The support is still unreal! Thank you all so much!

As promised, this chapter will be longer than the last one. But just a little warning; this chapter will be very racist and may be offensive or hurtful to anybody who despises any kind of racism. But after all, this story is a parody of the movie which has a lot of racist jokes. I apologise for this inconvenience.

Either way, I still hope you enjoy it!

…

Chapter 4: The Murder Consultant

…

(Third Person View)

In Naruto's apartment that same night, he and Gaara are watching TV.

"I just gotta ask," Gaara sits up straight, holding a can of Dr Pepper, "Isn't Sasuke your roommate?"

"Yeah, why?" Naruto replies before sipping his can of Coca-Cola.

"Well, he's getting married," he points out, "Where does that leave you?"

I chuckle, "It's my apartment, which means he has to move out and I have to search for another roommate."

Gaara thinks for a moment, "Oh, okay." He goes back to watching the TV.

Suddenly, Sasuke unlocks the apartment door with a spare key Naruto had given him and walks in, screaming, "Hey!"

Gaara greets him, "What's up?"

"I'm in!" He yells again as he runs to the living room, "Let's kill this bitch!"

Naruto doesn't take his eyes off the screen, "What bitch?"

"'What bitch'? Guys, my mom. Our moms need to go," he runs to the living room and turns off the TV in the middle of their show and looks at Gaara who stands up, "You were right, man. We should do this thing."

Gaara laughs as Naruto also stands up, sighs and speaks, "Sasuke, we were drinking last night. And didn't you say yourself that killing was wrong?

"I know, but that was before my mom tried to fuck me on top of Sakura's unconscious body."

"Really?" Gaara's eyes widened as if he saw a pair of boobs in front of him. Naruto looked extra shocked.

"Yes, dude. She's gone fucking batshit crazy! She took a bunch of photographs of me, and they're gonna ruin my life!"

Gaara had the face of awe, "Where are they?"

"I don't have them and I won't show them to you, but it's a whole thing. So are you guys in or out?

"I was in last night," Gaara says and Sasuke gives him a high-five, "Naruto, what do you say?

"Please," he ignores by turning back on the TV screen, "Can we continue?"

"Naruto, come on."

"No!" He snaps, "We are not killing our moms!"

They both turn to Naruto who shows no interest as she continues to watch the TV. Gaara then spots the photo of Naruto with his dog on one of his shelves and grabs it off the wall to try and convince him, "Look at him. Look at Kuku."

"Kurama," the blonde corrects him. Not even close to that one.

"Kurama, whatever it is. He didn't get to see to his owner before he died. Why? Because your bitch-bag mom for a boss wouldn't let you leave," Gaara attempts to sway him, "Right? What would Kurama want you to do?"

"Well, nothing since he was a dog. But if he was a person," Naruto chugs his entire Coca-cola, "He wouldn't want me to kill her." He walks away to the fridge, throwing the soda can into the garbage while doing so.

"Okay, forget about Kurama. He's dead. You gotta accept that." Sasuke says bluntly at Naruto's stubbornness.

"Yeah, this isn't even about Kurama. This is about YOU. What do you want, Naruto?" Gaara asks slowly.

"Well, obviously I want her out of my skin," he admits as he took out whiskey from the fridge.

Sasuke and Gaara clasp their hands as the latter yells, "Exactly! So let's do this!"

The blonde sighs, basically agreeing in a reluctant way.

"Wait," Gaara then scratches his head, "HOW do we do this?"

"I was thinking about that on my way over," Sasuke enthusiastically says, "You guys know that Sakura and I watch a ton of Law & Order. We're like… HUGE Law & Order buffs-"

The maroon head listens intently as Naruto watches them tediously.

"-There are all sorts of ways that the criminals mess up, right? They leave behind skill cells and, uh, bullet casing-"

"Sperm," Gaara includes.

Sasuke clicks his fingers, "Yeah, actually. Most of the time, it's sperm."

"Silent killer," they begin discussing the show instead of the primary focus.

Naruto clears his throat, "Guys!"

The duo snaps out of it and Sasuke continues, "Anyways, that's not the point. Point is… we're not qualified. Which means we gotta get a professional."

"Are you talking about hiring a hitman?" Naruto is lost for words.

Sasuke only nods, while Gaara rubs his chin. He thinks hard on it, then a light bulb flashes, "You know, that's not bad. Yeah! I mean, we don't clean our own places or cut our own hair, right? No, we hire and pay someone to do that for us."

Naruto and Sasuke squint their eyes. The former speaks, "Actually we clean this apartment ourselves on weekends."

Then the latter, "Yeah, and Sakura cuts my hair."

"She does?" Gaara asks, surprised.

"Yeah."

"She have training for that?"

The brunette shakes his head, "Doesn't need it."

"I think she might," Naruto joins in before asking Sasuke the great question, "But where the hell are you two gonna find a hitman?"

Sasuke grins evilly, rubbing his hands together, "Why don't you guys leave that up to me, okay? I got this whole thing figured out-"

They look at him then at each other; they're seemingly impressed.

"-I'm gonna send you a text message tomorrow, and I'll tell you where to meet me."

Gaara then squints, "How come you don't just tell us now?"

Sasuke's grin freezes as his body stops. Naruto deadpans as he and Gaara raise both their eyebrows, "Well?"

"I don't have it all figured out. I got some of it figured out," Sasuke speaks quickly.

"Ah," Gaara nods, "Okay."

"I'm gonna go and take a nice long shower and sleep since I have a half-day tomorrow. Then I can start looking for one," he takes his leave for his room, "Good night, boys."

"Night!" The last two say in unison.

"Right, I'm gonna head off too," Gaara checks his watch, "I bargained for an early date with that UPS girl I met."

"Alright, see ya," Naruto waves him off as he watches him walk out the door. He drinks his glass of whiskey and breathes. He thought about the idea of killing their moms, but if he wanted peace, this was not the way to go. This was his mother, the one who raised him, nurtured him, gave him the life he has now, the one who… tricked him into drinking at 8:15 in the morning… the one who lied about him getting a promotion… and the one who blackmailed him if he ever thought about quitting. Naruto twitched as he cherished the early memories of his life with his mom, all the while heavily despising the now.

He recollected his thoughts and remembered what she said but it was in snippets, "Let me make this clear…You weak, little fuck. I own you. You're my bitch…So don't make the mistake of thinking you have free will here…because you don't. I can crush you anytime…like. So settle in, because you are here for the long haul."

"'Weak, little fuck', huh? That's funny," he cracks his neck and chuckles before asking, "Why did you lick and bite my ear, though?"

Tomorrow's gonna be a loooooong day, he thought as he poured some more whiskey on his glass.

…

(Sasuke's mini P.O.V)

Since it was half-day, I could leave early this afternoon. I was thinking, 'Thank, God!' But as of now, I was placing tooth X-rays into plastic contact sheets that were to be sent for second opinions from other dentists around the city.

Then I felt a presence behind me. It was obvious who it was. I could recognize that scent anywhere; Mom was licking my neck. Then she started sensually licking and kissing my ear while tweaking my nipples, mimicking 'cuckoo' sounds. And in contrast to before, I felt more unfazed, heck almost amused by her antics. And her realizing this, she nudged her head on my neck before smacking my butt and heading to her office. She was acting as if we were married. Fuck that, still! When she was gone, my eyes twitch as I watch her walk away. Not for much longer.

Once I was out, it was time for me to go to work.

…

(Gaara's mini P.O.V)

Here I am, back at my desk in the chemical company the next day. I look up to see 'mom' opening her office door and walking out. Nobody saw, but I could; there was white cocaine powder in her nostrils. She spots me watching her and she sneers at me as she goes into the bathroom. Kankuro and Temari deadpan and brood at the way mom was treating and behaving around me as they were leaving for lunch.

"Gaara," Kankuro calls out.

"Yeah?"

Temari points out the main entrance, "You coming with us for lunch?"

I smirk, "Coming."

…

After lunch, I was free to leave like a bird who just learnt how to fly. But I didn't want to go back to the house because I found the place to be pretty boring, to be honest. It was too early to go to a strip club and I wasn't in the mood. And Matsuri was pretty banged up after the sex I gave her last night. She was amazing herself, too. Who knew? Definitely not me.

Then my iPhone vibrates and I see on the screen a Viber message from Sasuke.

S: 'Travel Inn' at 6 PM. I reserved a room; 227.

G: Got it. See you, then.

I jump into my own car and drove all the way back home where I quickly change and head out again. This was really happening…

…

(Naruto's P.O.V)

I never thought I'd say this, but now I was starting to hate it. Not that I have to work more, but the fact that I'm not the fucking Senior VP of fucking Sales! And that's not even the worst part. The worst part of all this was that I had to watch my mom and a couple of construction workers break the down the wall of that was meant to be my office. MY office. I even saw her smirking and laughing while she did it. And after an hour she had drilled in a silver and black plaque on the side of her new gigantic office that read:

KUSHINA UZUMAKI:

President & Senior Vice President of Sales

It was still morning, which just adds to the worseness. It should have been my name. But it wasn't.

And sometimes mom would usually take a peek at my desk from her office and wave hello at me like she was so innocent and that nothing the other day had actually happened. And all I would do is slouch down my chair and ignore her waving. Business as fucking usual! I couldn't wait to get out of this place.

…

After a lunch break with Shikamaru and Sai, I saw my mom hugging a female employee, Tenten, who was crying and saying 'thank you' numerous times. I didn't know what it was all about. I asked Rock Lee about it and he said she was being promoted. I could have smashed my entire workspace and jumped out the fucking window. But I value life, so I didn't. I sat back down my desk and continued working non-stop, angrily. Sadly, only after 15 minutes, my work is interrupted once mom leans on my desk.

"Afternoon, Naruto," she properly greets me for the first time this whole day, "How's my favourite invaluable member of this organisation doing?"

I laugh, controlling my anger as I do so, "Wouldn't you like to know, mom?"

"I just wanted an update and…" she pauses as she brushes some dust off her skirt. It was shorter than usual. Maybe that's just her? "…to see how things are holding up."

"We're fine," I say bluntly, "But I did get a call about a complaint that one of our customer service employees was being extremely rude to the customer."

She tilts her head and raises her eyebrow at me, "Why did they call you?"

"I don't know, I think they just assumed I was customer service," I joke in a monotone voice.

Mom giggles as she puts her shoulder on, "Oh, Naruto, you are so funny!" She weirdly nuzzles her head on my neck before she left for her office, "Keep up the good work, sweetie!"

Shikamaru was watching the whole thing unfold, "Didn't she call you a weak, little fuck or something two days ago?"

Now I really couldn't wait to get out of this fucking place!

…

Finally, it was night and once I got out of the office, I get a Viber message from Sasuke.

S: At the 'Travel Inn' motel. Gaara's here with me. Room 227.

N: Okay. Give me 30 minutes.

I get into my car and immediately drive back home, took a quick rinse and got dressed. Afterwards, I call and order a cab.

…

I see the 'Travel Inn' motel sign as I rode at the back of a taxi, and we come across a two-floor motel. I notice that there was a silver Toyota Prius in the parking lot; Gaara's second car. Getting out of the taxi and paying the driver his fee, I make my way up the stairs of the 'Travel Inn' and find Room 227 as told.

…

(Third Person View)

Naruto knocks on the door, only for Sasuke to open slightly as he put on a door chain and whispers, "Were you followed?

He looks at his friend, puzzled, "Wh… Why would I be followed?"

"People follow other people in these types of situations. Sure you weren't followed?"

"Oh, boy," the blonde shook his head as he knew he was going to have a field night with him, "What people?"

"Just take one quick look around, make sure."

Naruto impatiently taps the chain, "How about we put this down?"

"Look around, make sure some…" his sentence is interrupted by a now visibly upset Naruto who grabs Sasuke by the neck, "Alright, I'm sorry. Calm down! Calm down!"

"See this arm? That's what you get! Now shut the door, take the chain off and let me in!"

Sasuke winced as he did what he was told, "I pissed him off already."

"Already?" Gaara closed in eyes in disappointment.

Sasuke opens the door and Naruto comes in, "Anyways can someone tell me why we're all the way here again?"

"For starters, I don't think any of us would like an assassin in their homes," the maroon head gives his reasoning.

"Yeah, we don't want this guy knowing where we live," Sasuke pats Naruto shoulder as he goes to sit on the bed, "Use your head."

"Hang on a minute," the blonde had his hands up to stop them from speaking any further. He felt stressed, "You guys already went ahead and found someone and he's coming here?"

Sasuke and Gaara laugh in excitement, the former holding his laptop.

"Not 'we'," Gaara pointed at Sasuke, "Him, all by himself."

"Mhm, I found a guy," Sasuke brags, "It was pretty easy. Easy as buying used futon."

In disbelief, Naruto asks, "You found a hitman, online?"

"Yeah. But they don't write 'hitman', right? Because that's dumb," Sasuke explains, "So they use little code words, like wet work? Liquidation. I mean check him out."

Naruto looks at the screen of Sasuke's laptop. On the website, the main heading reads 'WET WORK PROFESSIONAL' and shows the profile of the hitman. Naruto reads the short biography, "Skilled professional with years of experience in domestic and international wet work. Fast and discreet. No children, no political figures." This was still a bad idea.

"That last bit was important," Gaara points out the last sentence like a child, "When I saw it, I thought 'this is a good idea'."

No, it still wasn't.

As they continued talking, Naruto faintly hears a car door closing and someone locking with his car keys that sounded off, "Is that him?"

"Oh, shit!" Gaara jumped out of bed, "That was definitely a car."

Sasuke closes his laptop and jolts towards the window where he looks out, he gasps like a fanboy, "Guys! Come and fucking check this out!"

They gather around him and look out. A distinguished-looking man in a well-tailored suit steps out of his black Jaguar F-type, wearing an expensive looking pair of sunglasses, carrying a briefcase.

"Nice car," Naruto comments. Maybe he is legit? Still… BAD IDEA!

Gaara was staring, "He looks like James Bond."

"He really does, dude!" They close the curtains so the hitman wouldn't see. The pair continue their kiddy talk, "I bet you he carries one of those guns that you screw together?"

"Yeah?"

"Those are like the coolest guns they make, man!"

Naruto was amazed, and not in a good way, at their current stupidity because he knew they were smarter than this. He scolds them both, "Guys! This is so fucking dangerous. What if HE is an undercover cop!"

"Oh, come on!" Gaara shrugs off the idea, "That guy looks fucking legit!"

"Okay, then. What if it's the real thing; he charges us more money that our moms combined can't even afford, he gets pissed off, and kills us?" He challenges Sasuke in a speedy voice, "Law & Order buff, right? Think about it!"

"He's not gonna kill the three of us," even Sasuke shrugs it off. And then he stops as his smug attitude fades and his eyes widen, "Hold on."

"That's a thing?" Gaara thinks about it as well.

"Could that happen?" A knock comes from the door. It was him.

Naruto can't argue anymore, "You gotta let him in now."

Gaara breathes and asks him, "Okay, how's my hair?"

"What do you mean 'how's your hair'? It's fine."

"Okay, let's do this," he tells Sasuke as they come close to the door, "Ready?"

Sasuke nods in pure excitement as Naruto stands by and watches in pain. Bad… fucking… idea.

Gaara composes himself and opens the door to reveal the hitman standing in front of him. He speaks in a deep voice than it already is, "Yeah?"

Naruto silently hits his head because of that and the fact that Sasuke hid behind the door.

"Are you, Sasuke?" The hitman asks. He had a soothing British accent like Henry Cavill.

Gaara points to the brunette, who slowly reveals himself by the door and introduces himself awkwardly, "I'm… I am the one they call Sasuke. Please come in."

"Thank you," the hitman nods gently and comes inside. When he turns his back to look around the place, Gaara smiles widely which goes away once the hitman speaks, "Are all three of you participating in this?"

The trio stand by one another.

Naruto stands silently, "Well, um…"

Gaara speaks quickly while clearing his throat, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Yep."

"Yes," Sasuke says, fixing his top.

"Very well", the hitman eyes them all before placing his briefcase down. He adjusts his suit and speaks again, "Very well. Now before we go any further, I need to know if there are any hidden recording devices in this room. I will find out if there are."

They all remain silent, until the brunette replies, "I'm sure you would, but there's none because that would be stupid of us-"

"It's a silly move," Gaara butts in.

"-because we're NOT stupid."

Naruto sighs and simply states, "It's a no."

"Then let's get started," the hitman takes his shades off and walks to the middle of the living room, and opens up his briefcase, leaving the trio to silently discuss.

Gaara whispers to Sasuke, "I love this guy-"

"This is the real deal-"

"-His voice, are you kidding?"

"-He's legit," he then talks to the hitman, "And you do know that we just wanna start with a…?"

He stops to witness the hitman take out a black plastic tarp which he proceeds to unfurl over the carpet. The guys look at the tarp in confusion.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Gaara stops, "Hey, wait, what's that for?"

The hitman says straightforwardly, "For the mess."

"What?"

"We wouldn't want to leave a stain, now would we?"

Fucking stupid idea! Naruto bites his fingers then tightly crosses his arms, "Oh my God. I knew it."

"So who's first?"

The brunette pleads,"'Who's first?' No-"

Gaara reasons with the hitman, "We don't want you to kill us!"

"-We want you to kill another person," he taps Naruto, "If anyone's first, it's probably him."

"No. Goddamnit!" Naruto jumps in his place.

The hitman calms them down. He was just as confused as them, "Gentlemen, gentlemen, what are you talking about?"

The confusion went from 100% all the way to 200%. Sasuke stutters, "Y… yo… your ad says you do 'wet work'?"

"That's correct… I urinate on other men for money."

…What? All their brains were shut down. Gaara had his mouth gaping wide open and Naruto stares down directly to the floor. The both of them simultaneously ask questions;

"What was that?"

"What'd he say?"

Sasuke stares at the 'hitman' and whispers, "I think he said he pisses on dudes."

The 'hitman' then breathes, now upset, "Why else do you think my ad was in the "men seeking men" section?"

Then the trio realized who this 'hitman' was. He was a male prostitute. Naruto and Gaara rotate their bodies to look at Sasuke, both angry.

"Where was it?" The Uchiha's brain was still somewhere else.

Gaara fumed as if there was steam coming out of his nostrils, "You FUCKING IDIOT-"

"Could you be dumber?" Naruto includes.

"-Why in the fuck were you looking in the 'men seeking men'…!?" Gaara swore, he could literally just punch the shit out of him.

Sasuke interrupts him, holding up his hands in defense, "Technically, we are men looking for a man!"

Naruto is in complete madness, "How the fuck do people let you work on their teeth!?"

The male prostitute walks up to them, threateningly and feeling u, "So you're telling me I drove all the way and nobody wants to be pissed on?" He folds up his shades and puts them in his breast pocket.

"Yeah," Gaara apologises sincerely, "It's not our thing."

"We're sorry about this," Naruto gives a sympathetic smile.

The prostitute sighs, "Can I use your toilet? I stored up a rather large amount of pee for this."

"Sure," Gaara says kindly and points to the bathroom, "Yeah, it's right through there. Knock yourself out."

"Thank you," he replies and as he makes his way there, he stops, "Oh, and by the way, I still want my $200."

Naruto just nods, "Understandable."

"We insist," Gaara adds.

They both look at their idiot friend. Naruto berates him first, "$200, huh? Wow, what a fucking bargain."

"To kill three people?" Gaara puts his face near him.

Sasuke looks at them both innocently, "I thought it was such a good deal."

"You dipshit," he rubs his eyes in anger, "Unbelievable."

"This reflects poorly on me that you're my friend," Naruto points out. They then notice that the bathroom door was open and they hear the piss from the male prostitute going into the toilet.

"Hear what's going on in there?" Gaara points to the prostitute, "That was almost all over us!"

"Gaara, I'll be in your car," The blonde growls and walks towards the main door, he was leaving.

"Yup, coming," the green eyed friend follows and tells Sasuke, "And you're paying him, by the way."

Sasuke knows that was his punishment. But he was a dentist and he had money. He pulls out his wallet and takes out two $100 bills and calls out to the prostitute, "Sir! I'm going to leave your money on the bed."

He places it on the bed as he said himself and heads for the door, God, he would have drenched us… still a good thing I didn't call the guy who was offering to do 'dirty work.'

…

Now, they were driving down the highway. Gaara drove his Toyota Prius so it wouldn't catch any attention. Naruto was riding shotgun and Sasuke sat at the back. "Okay," the brunette speaks, "I'm gonna take the blame on that one."

Gaara laughs and Naruto lightly chuckles.

"That's big of you," the blonde scratched his eyebrow, "But you bet your ass you're taking the blame."

"Mhm," Gaara agrees, "You SHOULD take the blame."

"But it was an honest mistake…"

Gaara raises his hand to shush him, "And that's not how you find a killer."

"Oh and you know how to find a killer?" Sasuke challenges.

"I bet I… Yeah, hey, you know what? I got an idea," Gaara reaches up and pushes a button connected to the rear-view mirror.

"What are you doing?" Sasuke and Naruto say at the same time.

A male voice comes over the speaker in an Indian Accent, "Good evening, Mister Gaara. Thank you for contacting Nav-Guide. My name is Gregory. How may I be of service this evening?"

"Hey listen, Gregory, I need you to direct me and my buddies to the most dangerous bar here in Los Angeles," Gaara responds, "Can you help us with that?"

"No," Naruto shakes his head, "We're going to dinner."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Yeah, we're looking for a bar filled with criminals. Lowlife thugs, hard-core shitheads," Gaara says more specifically, "What do you got for us?"

Naruto interrupts, "Nope, how about this? Let's go to a restaurant."

"I'm afraid our listings are not organized by danger, sir," Gregory says, "I do see there's an Applebee's three blocks from your location."

"Perfect," Naruto clasps his hands.

Gaara squints, "Eh, not really helpful-"

"Yes, helpful," the blonde argues.

Sasuke then speaks up, "They're not the kind of shitheads we need, Gregory. Is there anything else?"

"Well, I could direct you to a bar within a neighborhood with the greatest number of carjackings?" Gregory suggests.

Gaara smiles and nods; he likes the idea, "Now we're thinking outside the box."

"Guys!?" Naruto begs, "I want to go to dinner!"

"That's perfect, Gregory. Thank you," Gaara compliments

"Very good, sir. You may wish to lock your doors."

…

After almost an hour of driving, Naruto started rambling, "Ugh, this is worse than getting pissed on!"

"Don't say that, please?" Sasuke sighs.

"No, seriously! I'd rather get pissed on!"

Gaara continues driving all the while looking around and seeing where they were, "Jesus. You weren't kidding, Gregory. This is, uh, a bad part of town. Are you still on the line?"

"I'm still here, sir," Gregory reassures.

Sasuke then sits in the middle and scooches up further, "Hey, I'm always curious about these things, but is your real name Gregory?"

"Uh, no, sir. My real name is Atmanand."

Gaara is taken aback but kept his eyes on the road, "How the hell did you get Gregory from that?"

"Oh… Gregory was assigned to me by Nav Guide."

"Why not let you use your real name?" Now Naruto was curious.

"They say many people who are not Indian find our real names hard to pronounce," he explains.

"Oh yeah," Gaara snorts, "I'm not gonna play by their rules anymore, okay? From now on I'm gonna call you Ahmenan."

"Atmanand," Naruto pronounces it correctly.

"That's what I said, Ammenand."

"Atanad," Sasuke attempts too but fails.

"Atmanand."

Gaara gives up, "You know what? I'm gonna call you Gregory, that name's a fucking nightmare."

"Dude," Sasuke as he and Naruto look at Gaara, "Not cool."

"You just hurt his feelings," the blonde shook his head,

"No, I didn't."

"Gregory, we apologize for that," Sasuke says.

"It is alright, sir. I am used to racism," he chuckles and after a while, he speaks again, "You have arrived at your destination."

"All right. Thank you, Gregory," Gaara says.

"You are most welcome, sir," he replies calmly before ending the call. There was not even a hint of anger, "Just a reminder, if your vehicle were to be stolen, it is the Nav-Guide protocol for us to contact the police to wherever the carjacker may go. Your vehicle will automatically shut down when done so."

"Thanks, Atmanand/Gregory," they all say disjointedly as Gaara ends the call. Shortly after, Gaara pulls up on a grimy-looking South-Central street and stops in front of a dingy bar. The trio get out and look around warily.

"So you're not worried about your car?"

"Nah, Gregory's got it," Gaara reminds, "And besides, it's a fucking Prius."

They all stare at the shabby bar and Naruto speaks up, "Do you seriously think that we're gonna find a hitman in there?"

"I think we're gonna have a hard time deciding between all the hitmen in there. Trust me, these are the lowest of the low," Gaara replies and breathes, "All right? All right, here we go."

"Actually," Sasuke begins to have second thoughts, "This is a really bad idea."

"This is a GREAT idea," Gaara retorts.

"So what, you're gonna go in and yell "anybody here kill for money"?" Naruto mimics.

"No…" He scratches his head, "Maybe?"

Naruto groans as he facepalms, "That is a terrible plan."

He flails his arms around to shut them up and then reassures them, "Just follow me. Okay? I got this."

The three guys enter the squalid, smoky place. The room is full of surly-looking PATRONS, none of them white or Asian. The majority of them turn to stare at the trio.

"Oh, real nice, Gaara," Sasuke whispers to him sarcastically, "What a way to be a fucking racist!"

Gaara defends himself, "This isn't a race thing. We need a criminal and this neighborhood is where they live. I'm not saying that's because there are a lot of black people here. That's the fault of our society that discriminates and disenfranchises them."

They make their way to the bar area and Naruto observes everyone like a ninja, "You said they were the lowest of the low."

"I was speaking socio-economically."

"Jesus Christ," Naruto murmurs.

"Just let me handle this," he says as they each take a seat at the bar where a no-nonsense looking bartender walks over to them.

"Yeah?" The bartender asks nicely.

"Hey. How are you doing? Nice place," Gaara leans in, "Listen, does anyone here kill people for money?"

"Gaara!" Naruto scolds like a parent.

"The fuck you just say?" The bartender says in a strong African-American accent as he stares at Gaara intensely.

"Please, don't get me wrong. It's not a race thing," the maroon head stutters, "Uh, I believe that society discriminates and disenfranchises you, folks."

Sasuke puts his hands on his head, "Oh, fuck."

The bartender repeats Gaara's words, "You folks?"

Naruto cringes, "Subtle, Gaara… very subtle."

"Man, I'm a small-business owner," the bartender explains coldly, "Who the hell are you calling disenfranchised?"

"Well I… didn't mean you in particular, in that instance," Gaara continued to defend his statement. Obviously, it wasn't working.

"Right. You mean ALL black people."

"Yes," Gaara snaps his fingers.

"No!" Sasuke shouts. He couldn't believe how indirectly racist Gaara was being.

No longer being able to take this any further, Naruto gets off the chair and leaves, "I'm gonna be in the car."

The bartender goes down and picks up a giant metal object hidden under the bar. Sasuke takes notice of it and gets off his chair as well, "Oh, a baseball bat… nice."

Gaara now realizes his mistake and apologise, "I'm sorry. I, uh, didn't mean to offend you, if that's how you feel. I think, uh… if you knew better, you'd know my heart's in the right place."

"Well, in about five seconds, your heart's gonna be in the WRONG place."

Sasuke slams his hand on the table, "Gaara, I think we should go."

As they leave, another intense-looking guy on the next stool watches them leave. He gets up and follows them.

…

Naruto waited impatiently by the car. Once he sees Gaara and Sasuke come out of the bar, he starts snapping his fingers and pointing ferociously at the car.

"Don't say a word," Gaara says heavily embarrassed, "I know. I'm an idiot as well."

"Hit the button. Hit the button," Naruto replies ferociously.

"Guys, I don't know. Should we just…?" Sasuke was interrupted by the intense-looking guy.

"Hey, fellas," he was not African-American, but Asian like them. He had messy brown hair and sharp black eyes. Also definitely the same age as them, about mid-20s, wearing a black leather jacket with a white shirt underneath and jeans. He looked like a greaser especially with the old aviator glasses, "I think I can help you guys."

The trio look at him then at each other. Sasuke asks, "Is that for us?"

The guy gestures for them to follow him into the alley beside the bar, and Naruto shakes his head, "Not interested, thank you." However, Gaara and Sasuke move to follow. And he snaps again, "Hey, hey, hey!"

They don't listen as they continue to follow the guy.

Naruto sighs loudly, "Let's follow a strange guy into a dark corner. Fucking great idea."

Once they were in the alleyway, the stranger leans in to the three guys, "I heard you're looking for someone to help take care of some business for you?"

Gaara is the first to speak up, "Yep."

"Well, um…" Naruto surprisingly asks, "Are YOU a businessman?"

"Yeah," he replies, "Motherfucker Jones."

They stare at him blankly, and Naruto raises his eyebrow, "Come again?"

The guy repeats slowly, "Motherfucker… Jones."

Sasuke looks up to the sky then back, "So, wait… Your first name is 'Motherfucker'?"

"Last name Jones, you gotta problem with that?" he taunts the brunette.

"Now, we got it. Cool name," Sasuke compliments, "But your Asian. So… Is that on your birth certificate too?"

"Nah, it ain't, goofball…," the man chuckles. He takes off his shades and reveals himself to be… "Guys, it's me, Kiba!"

"KIBA!?" They all shouted together.

"Yeah!" The four of them started laughing and hugging.

"Oh, man! Kiba, it's great to see ya!" Naruto said, patting his back, "Last time we saw you was when you dropped out of college!"

"Yeah, well my mom lost her job so I had to find work and help out," he explains, "By the way, as another alias, I go by Dean Jones."

Naruto chuckles, "Dean Jones. Same name of the actor in Herbie, the Love Bug."

"Yup, it's just that I can't walk around in this fucking neighborhood with that Disney-ass name, though."

"Hmm," Sasuke nods, "So how'd you get the name Motherfucker?"

Kiba chuckles, "Oh, wouldn't you like to know?"

"Hell, yeah." The trio listen in.

"Okay," the Inuzuka clears his throat, "This happened two years ago; I snuck into my mother's bedroom one night-"

The trio had lost all interest, Sasuke in particular, "Ooh."

"Uh-oh."

"Yeah, I don't think any of us want to know anymore…" Naruto didn't want to hear this.

"-She was laying there naked," he becomes intense as he remembered, "And her skin was glistening-"

"I've heard enough," Gaara states.

"-She had been drinking all night-"

Sasuke speaks in his high-pitch voice, "We get it."

"-And then I pulled my pants down, and then I stuck it-"

"AH!" The three had their faces covered.

"-Into her mouth…"

The trio made noises of disinterest, shivering in disgust. Naruto felt like vomiting, "Are you done?"

Kiba wasn't done, "-I fucked her mouth and did her doggy so good she passed out afterwards. Then I slipped my fingers… into her purse."

"Purse?" Sasuke asked but no one complied, "What the fuck does he mean by purse?"

"I took her money, her whole week's pay. I really fucked her over, both physically AND financially. That's how I got the nickname 'Motherfucker'," Kiba sounded really proud of his 'achievement', "So what do you guys need help with?"

The three weren't sure if they would recover from such a story told, but they managed to as Naruto went back to talk about the main topic, "Okay… Kiba, we each have a boss that…"

"-Just happen to be our moms," Gaara helps him out, "And they're giving us constant hell at work."

"And for us to live our live peacefully," Sasuke finishes, "We want them… killed."

"Jeez," Kiba is amazed, "You want your own moms dead?"

"Pretty much," Sasuke replies instantly.

The Inuzuka contemplates the idea, "You got the cheese?"

Gaara knew the term 'cheese'; another way of saying money, "What kind of cheese are you thinking?"

"What is it, three hits?" The trio nod and Kiba thinks of a price, "300 large."

"$300,000?" Naruto's eyes widen, "Woah, that's a lot."

"Done," Gaara shakes Kiba's hand. That quick? Naruto and Sasuke thought, Oh yeah, he's rich.

"Okay, meet me inside the bar's diner area tomorrow night with the cash, and I'll take care of the rest," he says as he high-fives and shakes all their hands, "Oh and call me by the nickname if you like, so other people don't get confused."

"You got it," Sasuke inquires, "But do you want the money in something specific, like a shoebox, or a duffel bag?"

"No," Kiba puts on his shades and walks away, "Just be here tomorrow with the money. Put it in a briefcase."

…

The next day, and they sat in the bar's diner area. The trio sat together on one side while Kiba on the other. Gaara puts a briefcase on the table and gently pushes it to Kiba. He opens briefcase reveals more than ten stacks of $100 bills.

He smiles as he closes it immediately, "Thank you, fellas. Looks like everything is in there."

"And what is your projected outside date of completion, 'Motherfucker'?" Naruto questions.

Kiba takes a long hard sip on his drink, "Ah, I forgot to mention that I just got back from doing a dime for some other, really nasty shit-"

Gaara whispers to Sasuke, "That's 10 years."

"I know."

"-They're looking at me. I'm on probation. And if I step out of the line again… I'm going back."

"Understood," Naruto says quietly.

Kiba looks down on the table in silence, leaving the three confused.

"Period? End of story?"

Sasuke eyes to pair, "What does that mean?"

Gaara blinks, "Wait. I thought you said you were gonna take care of it?"

"Yeah, I'll take care of it," he gestures for them to come in closer, "I'm gonna be your professional advisor. Think of me as your MURDER CONSULTANT."

The trio are stunned, then they chuckle in shock and anger. Sasuke grits his teeth hard, "No, Kiba. That's not cool. We don't want a murder consultant. We want a MURDERER."

Gaara cracks his neck before joining in, "Listen, that is not what we talked about, Motherfucker. So how about we just take the money and we'll get out of here?"

"How about you go fuck yourself? No refunds," he smirks at them.

Naruto cracks as well, "Kiba, that is $300,000. If you think we're just gonna walk out and let you keep that…"

"You know, I might have been friends with you in college," Kiba's smirk disappears as he threateningly pulls back the lower edge of his jacket to reveal what appears to be the holster of an M1911 pistol. The three back up, "But I think you're forgetting who you're talking to now."

"Whoa, whoa! Okay, we don't want any trouble," Sasuke says as they raise their hands, "Kiba, please don't shoot us; let's just talk this out."

"Listen, the $300,000 is mine. I don't care what you say," his voice was soothing yet pretty scary, "Now either you take the advice you paid for, or you can fuck off outta here with nothing. It's up to you."

The Uchiha argues back, "But that is a terrible deal!"

"We should listen to him," Gaara suggests instead.

Naruto sighs, "Okay, $300,000 worth of advise?"

"Most killers are first-timers. If you guys wanna pull off a brilliant murder, you gotta act like it's an accident," Kiba then lists them down, "Failed brakes, gas leaks, suicide. You do it right, you don't even have to be there when it actually goes down."

They stare at their 'old friend'.

"Oh boy," Naruto says unenthusiastically, "That's 300 grand worth, huh?"

"It's pretty pedestrian knowledge," Sasuke sighs.

Gaara places his hands on the table and slouches, "Obvious information, isn't it?"

"Sounds like Scooby-Doo," Naruto sounds frustrated, "Kiba that makes sense, but how in the hell are we supposed to fake three accidents?"

"You stalk them, as if they're prey," Inuzuka explains as he held his temple, "Gotta be smart. They're your moms, so you know where they live and how they behave. Find out about what their hobbies are. Find out who they're fucking or trying to fuck-"

Sasuke smirks and thinks, Oh, wouldn't YOU like to know?

"-Find them at their most vulnerable. But just remember this; even if you pull it off perfectly… if you guys got motives… the police… will pin it to you."

Naruto leans in, "Kiba, we all have clear motives for killing our moms… so this is not gonna work. This is garbage."

Kiba holds out his hand, trying to think of something else. A light bulb flashed in his brain, "I got it. Why don't you kill each other's moms?"

They tilted their heads left right and center, contemplating the idea, "That's…" Gaara thought.

"It's not bad."

Gaara starts nodding his head, "Yeah, like Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train, right?

Kiba points out him; he was on the right lines.

"I didn't see that movie, but that's the plot?" Naruto asks and Gaara nods back at him.

"Danny DeVito movie. It's funny," Sasuke says.

"That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny DeVito movie. That's the one he's-" Gaara stops and smacks Sasuke for confusing him and the latter himself.

"Ow! What the hell?"

"-Come on, you idiot. You're thinking of Throw Momma From the Train."

"Oh, that's what it is." He begins laughing as he recalls the film.

Naruto laughs as he thinks back on the movie, "That I saw. Good movie."

"That's what he's thinking about," Gaara says before talking to Kiba, "But it's the same idea, though. If we kill each other's moms, there's no link to us, right?"

"Exactly… or… how about this; you don't kill your moms and just do what I did to mine?"

"Hmm?" They all expressed.

"You can just fuck your moms."

For the millionth time or so, their brains shut. But then when they were rebooted… they thought about it. For Naruto and Gaara, they think it wouldn't do anything but worsen their situation, as Kushina is technically a sadist and Naruto himself may actually become her bitch. And in Gaara's case, Karura would become both a cocaine and sex addict. This idea only works for Sasuke, but he wouldn't do it because he's stubborn and would rather kill her than have sex with her.

Kiba smiles, "$300,000 well spent, right?"

They all answered in the same manner.

"No."

"Not at all."

"It's a waste of money."

"Well," Kiba puts on his shades and puts the briefcase on his side, "That's too fucking bad… now get out."

…

To all who are really dying and waiting for some actual sex scenes… you will all get one very soon.

I was really contemplating putting the actual Motherfucker Jones from the movie, but it would have been a crossover rather than a parody, and since Kiba is actually one of my favourite characters on the show, I figured this would work. I hope it does.

I also hope the inclusion of Gregory from the movie works as well.

Please let me know what you thought about this chapter and once again, I apologise if I offended anybody. See you all soon!

P.S: I'm going to be very busy for the next few weeks so updates won't be as fast.