{ 4 ~ As We Fall ~ 4 }

{ I hate every day that passes and I haven't seen you. }

{ ~ }

His room his dark on a new moon night; even the street lamps outside seem dimmer than usual. He leans against the side of his bed, legs stretched out and falling asleep across the floor. The photo album rests beside him, the occupants captured in their various moments and places, laughing, hugging, dancing, sitting. Their faces are lit up and shadowed and everything in between, and seeing all of them makes tears sting at the backs of his eyes; but no, he won't cry, he won't, he doesn't. He's not allowed to cry.

Harry flips the page, turning the three of them over, and lands on another, near-empty. A single photo resides here, a photo of he and Ginny on the sunlit grounds. It feels like an eternity ago.

His finger slides over her flushed face, her windswept hair.

"I hate this," he whispers, and hates himself a little bit for it: He'd promised himself not to truly hate anything, and he just broke that promise (although it's not the first time he's let someone down), and he crumbles a little on the inside.

"I hate this... the war. I hate that people are dying. I hate Snape for - for murdering Dumbledore. I hate that Dumbledore's..." It's stuck in his throat: gone. "He can't help me anymore. I - I need him to help me. I can't do this on my own."

The previous photo flashes before his eyes.

"And I hate Ron and Hermione for being so damn stubborn. If they... if they..." The possibility is too horrific to even imagine, so he skips over the word, replacing it with a deep, steadying breath. "I'm going to have to lead them into danger. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a murderer," he tells her, desperate for her to understand, to forgive him, in the end. To forgive him for everything.

"I hate myself for breaking up with you. You're one of the best things that's ever happened to me. And I suppose that's why I had to do it... I think - I think I might love you. That scares me. I've never really loved anyone before... Well, except Sirius, but -"

You never told him, mocks the voice of cruelty, taunting him, driving a knife through his heart and twisting, twisting. He never knew, and now he's gone. He's dead, and it's all - your - fault.

Harry swallows hard, forcing the tears into submission, and the burning in his throat suddenly ignites into anger, frustration.

"I hate you for making me feel like this. When I'm with you... I'm a different person. I can't be a different person now. I have to be Harry Potter. I have to be strong. You... you're too close to me. If he takes you, if he tortures you, because of me... if he... if you..."

The harsh tone fades away into the darkness.

He slams his eyes shut and chokes, "I won't be held responsible for my actions." He pauses and then goes on, "I hate that I won't be there with you to protect you from whatever Death Eaters and curses that might be waiting. I hate... I hate every day that passes and I haven't seen you. I hate that I can't be with you - not necessarily together, just... with you. I hate that I don't know what you're doing, how you're feeling. If you're... handling this. If you're going to be okay. I hate that I... I hate that I..."

He draws a rattling breath, begging her to understand, so he won't have to say it aloud, make it rock-solid - but he knows she can't hear him, isn't really listening to what he's saying, trying to say, so he has to.

"I hate... that I might have to leave you. Forever."

It's said in the quietest of whispers. His fingertips lift from the picture as he, smiling, plants a kiss behind her ear.

"I'm sorry."

{ ~ }

A/N: So. Harry has a moment of insanity, post-HBP, pre-DH. He feels the need to explain himself and goes a little nuts. :P

Man, I had a rough day yesterday. Went to a college football game and had two friends over for the night and we had a big crisis - God, it was horrible. Just, everyone, if you review, please tell Bella (and yes, that's her name) you care.

Thanks to my awesome beta echoing noise. She's awesomesauce.

If you read, favorited, or alerted, please review. :P Even if you didn't, thanks for reading! Hope you liked it.

See you tomorrow!

~whispered touches

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. It belongs to J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.