OF TWO MINDS

It's 9½ weeks, before the penny drops on Casey. Preparing for date night with Gabby, he's babbling to fill the odd silence that resonates between them since the fire, when she suddenly blurts out a pained plea, "Don't ever say good-bye to me again." Looking into her eyes, he can see the fear, the anxiety, hear it in her voice and ragged breath. He wants to comfort her, and reassure her, and return what he'd taken with those few words, repay her for the love and support she'd given him, love her like she deserves. But through it all, another face suddenly comes to his mind, another pair of eyes, a different, deeper, masculine voice, telling him the same thing. And as he comes to comfort Gabby, mumbling promises he knows are out of his control, his mind reels with someone else and with realization why Kelly Severide had severed all connections.

Dinner was awkward, and the sex afterwards even more so. Though she had voiced what was eating at her, and he'd given her the reassurance she needed, they both felt it to be… off. They went by the motions, they took comfort in their familiarity, they used one another to turn their minds off and disappear. But when they came down and dressed, they both felt empty and lying and guilty.

It goes on like that for a while, their relationship tucked under the routine of duty and work. Gabby takes more shifts at Molly's, working late into the night, while Matt piles on construction work before the winter, coming home aching and exhausted. They don't talk about the goodbye anymore. They don't talk about the possibility and fear of losing one another. In fact, they talk less and less altogether, and the gap between them grows, while one unspoken name constantly hangs silently between them. His absent presence never leaving Matt's mind.

Three months after the factory fire, Dawson moves out. At first, they keep it quiet, a respectful distance escorting them through their shifts. Though it hurts, and they're angry, it's mostly at themselves, ashamed of their inability to hold on to each other. The realization that their love is not enough, that something, or rather someone, is missing, cutting roughly into their bond. Somehow, somewhat out of character, they succeed in remaining civil with one another, and if any member of the house notices a difference, they keep it to themselves. For a while Gabby stays with her dad, a silent retribution for the time he'd spent on her couch, until one day, Kidd corners her in the locker room and levels it at her, ironically yielding further to the house curse to move in with each other.

Kelly Severide, on the other hand, remains absent.

While Casey was out recuperating, Kelly remained on shift 1, pulling as many double shifts as possibly allowed, and remaining a clip-strict lieutenant with his men. Then, just before Casey came back on duty, Kelly swapped shifts, switching his position with the Squad lieutenant on shift 3, avoiding any crossing paths between him and Casey. Adding to that, he'd recently accepted a teaching position on a 6-weeks cross-country instruction team, exchanging knowledge of the new systems and technics available at fire houses across the nation, so, he's very seldom even in Chicago.

Only once did they cross paths, lay eyes on each other. Neither daring to break the distance and come close. One day, while off shift but preparing for his trip, Severide comes out of the fire house, as Matt comes up the driveway, dropping something off for the chief. They stop in their tracks as they catch each other from two sides of the driveway. Two pairs of blue eyes, big and anxious, they study each other from a distance. Matt can see the changes in Kelly. He's thinner but more solid, if that's even possible, his beautiful face creased with worry lines around his eyes. He looks, detached, Matt thinks, but even though his mask his hard, his eyes scream confusion and longing at Matt, as he takes in his features.

The last time Kelly saw Matt, he was just waking up for a long coma. Now, he stands before him, as though nothing has happened. His hair is shorter, Kelly notices, and his physic leaner than it was before the fire. But he's standing, and he's beautiful and the only thing Kelly hates about him is the sadness in his eyes as he looks at Kelly for answers. But all that takes a mere few seconds, and then 2nd shift's lieutenant catches up with Severide asking him a question, and he cowardly let's himself be distracted and turns his back on Matt, as he dives into the conversation.

4 weeks into his travels, Kelly Severide is surprised with a phone call from Dawson. Though she used to call frequently after the accident, his lack of response once Casey woke up, sent a clear message and made her give up. And though he'd seen and skipped a call from Matt the week before, he's more than intrigued at why Dawson would call him. Unless something has happened. A flash of fear and guilt rushes through him as he lifts the phone to his ear. "Dawson."

"Severide." He can hear the relief in her voice, and then the anger bursts through. "You idiot! Thank you for answering. I'll be quick. I'm not even sure why I'm doing this." He can hear her self-doubt and insecurity and that little bit of quivering passion when she goes all Gabby Dawson on someone. The let-me-finish, no-nonsense and-then-you-can-go-fuck-yourself-for-all-I-care tone. "I've left him, Kelly. I've left him and he's scared and alone and he needs you. It's always been you. He's playing everything as usual, but he needs you. I don't know what's going on with you, and frankly I don't care. After this call, I reserve the right to be pissed at you, but if you want him, he's yours, I won't stand in your way. So, just, grow a fucking pair and get over yourself, and come back and talk to him, and fix this, because, well, because he's so fucking lost and you're what he's missing and I don't know what to do anymore and it's not up to me." she pants for a moment after her outburst, letting things sink in, and then, just like that, she hangs up.