"Would you stop looking at me?" snapped Ivy, as she tried to concentrate on the road on the drive over to Tetch's.
"I can look wherever I damn well please," retorted Joker. "You can't control my eyes."
"I told you, I don't want you leering at me," muttered Ivy. "It doesn't help that everything Harley owns is skintight and revealing – would it kill her to just have lounge pants and a sweater?"
"That's the way I want her dressed," said Joker, nodding. "Just sexy enough so you get a hint, but covered enough to say, 'Sorry, pal, you ain't getting this - there's only one guy banging that.'"
"Charming," said Ivy, rolling her eyes. "I can't believe you control how she dresses."
"I don't – that was her idea," retorted Joker. "I just agree. Daddy likes a little eye candy when he's out and about."
"Please don't ever mention candy again after this morning," muttered Ivy. "Or Daddy. It's just disgusting."
"Seems to me you're the one with Daddy issues, Pammie – I'm guessing that's where your whole hatred of men is actually rooted," said Joker. "What happened? Did Daddy walk out on Mommy when little Pammie was just a baby?"
"I never knew my father, if that's what you mean," snapped Ivy. "Which means he was an irresponsible, unreliable creep, like all men."
"You mean you don't remember him at all?" asked Joker. "Have you ever seen a picture of him? Or attempted to contact him at all?"
"No," retorted Ivy. "My Mom obviously didn't want reminders of him around. And why would I want to contact a jerk who walked out on us? To ask him why he did it? I know why he did it, because he's a man, and all men are scum."
"So your whole thing with Jason Woodrue was because of these Daddy issues," said Joker, nodding. "You craved that kind of stable, older, father figure in your life, which is why you were willing to do anything for him."
"What are you, a shrink?" demanded Ivy.
"Well, I do listen to Harley sometimes," said Joker, shrugging.
"Speaking of someone with Daddy issues," muttered Ivy.
"Well, yeah, have you ever met her father?" asked Joker. "He's a completely humorless, boring, serious, no-nonsense kinda guy. The exact opposite of me, so there goes your theory. But I think I'm dead on with mine. If I were you, Pammie, I'd look into this father thing. Not only to resolve your obvious psychological issues with men, but also so you don't accidentally end up dating him or something. I mean, if you have no idea who he is, he could be anyone. He could even be one of our fellow lunatics, as long as he's old enough, maybe even Tetchy or Craney, although if either of them has ever gotten laid, I'm Batman."
His eyes widened suddenly as his face split into a huge smile. "He could even be me!" he exclaimed, beaming at her. "I don't remember much about my past, after all – it's entirely possible I could have fathered a child at some point."
"You're not my father," snapped Ivy.
"How do you know?" asked Joker.
"Because we look nothing alike, for one thing!" snapped Ivy.
"We both have green eyes," pointed out Joker.
"So do millions of people!" snapped Ivy.
"Oooh, this is a remotely possible situation, and it's really going to bother you, isn't it?" chuckled Joker.
"Ok, first of all, you're not my father, and second of all, even if there was the slightest possibility you could be, of course it would bother me!" snapped Ivy. "Bothering me would be an understatement! For one thing, this whole day would have suddenly become much, much creepier than it was in the first place, and that's saying something!"
"Yeah, you'd be my daughter in the body of my girlfriend, who already refers to me as Daddy," said Joker, nodding. "Talk about your Freudian scenarios, am I right?"
"Let's not," retorted Ivy, as she pulled the car up in front of Crane and Tetch's apartment. "In fact, let's not allude to this conversation ever again – while Tetch is switching me back to my own body, I'll get him to perform a memory wipe on me to erase this whole day. I'm looking forward to that already," she sighed.
Ivy knocked on the door to the apartment, which was opened a few moments later by Jonathan Crane. "Harley, my dear, what a very pleasant surprise…" he began.
"Save it, Johnny, I ain't your pathetic, obsessive crush," snapped Ivy, shoving him out of the way as she strode into the room. "Where's the Hat freak?"
"I…beg your pardon?" stammered Crane, staring at her. "I do not have an obsessive crush…"
"On Harley? Yeah, you do," said Joker, following Ivy inside. "But that ain't Harley. That's Pammie in Harley's body."
"I had almost figured that out for myself by her rudeness," sniffed Crane. "To answer your question, Jervis is still asleep, but I shall wake him up immediately. We expected a visit like this after the tea spill last night…"
"Maybe you shouldn't be having tea around dangerous, reality-altering equipment!" snapped Ivy. "I thought you were meant to be geniuses, but you're as dumb as the rest of the male species, obviously!"
"Pammie's just a little cranky because I've discovered she doesn't know who her father is, and suggested it might be me," said Joker. "Or you, I guess. Did you sleep with a woman about 30 years ago, Craney? Or any woman at all ever?"
"That is none of your business," retorted Crane. "Suffice it to say there is absolutely no possibility that I could be her father."
"Well, that's a relief anyway," snapped Ivy. "I was about to seriously question my mother's taste in men. My eyes are up here, Johnny," she added, as she noticed him staring at her.
"They're not your eyes – they're Harley's eyes," retorted Crane. "And frankly, I'm not used to seeing them looking so hostile."
"Then you better wake your buddy up and fix this right now!" snapped Ivy. "Or it's gonna get a lot worse, and when I get my plant powers back, I'm gonna strangle you with a vine of thorns!"
While Crane hurried off, Joker's phone rang. "Oooh, it's you, Pammie!" he chuckled, answering it. "Hello, pumpkin pie! Yes, I know it's you, Harley. You need to slow down, baby - I mean, I know it's probably terrible being in Pammie's body considering the long, long list of people and plants she's been with, but there's no need to panic…"
"Give me that!" snapped Ivy, seizing the phone from him. "Harley…"
"Red, shut up and listen, it's an emergency!" interrupted Harley. "Harvey and me are driving over right now, but you tell Jervis that this swap back needs to happen ASAP!"
"Believe me, I want that as much as you," said Ivy, nodding. "Crane's just gone to wake Jervis up – if he's fixed this before, it shouldn't take him long to sort it out this time."
"Good. Me and Mr. J need to be back at our place in less than an hour – that's when my parents are arriving," said Harley. "And I doubt you wanna pretend to be me in front of them, unless you're prepared to act real fond of Mr. J."
"Your parents are visiting today?" demanded Ivy. "Talk about your poor timing!"
"Yeah, it's like God or the universe or whatever has caused this stupid body switch to happen on just this day for comedic value," sighed Harley. "Comedic value for them, of course, not for me. It's always funny to laugh at other people's pain and misfortune, but not so much when the joke's on you. I tell ya, if there is a God, they've got a wicked sense of humor, just like Mr. J."
"Don't say things like that – I've already had a disturbing enough day," muttered Ivy. "If you think I hated J before, you've no idea how much that's increased since I've been in your body."
"Aw, I'm sure he missed being woken up with Harley cuddles and kisses," sighed Harley.
"Well, I definitely didn't want to be woken up by him naked, that's for sure," said Ivy. "And I really, really never wanted to see his lollipop, as he called it…"
"It has a name, you know!" snapped Joker.
"Wait, Mr. J woke up…in the mood for playtime?" stammered Harley.
"Yes, but don't worry, Harley, nothing happened," retorted Ivy.
"Mr. J woke up in the mood for playtime…and you didn't wanna take advantage of it?" stammered Harley, in disbelief.
"God, no!" snapped Ivy. "He's disgusting!"
"I dunno, Red – there must be something really wrong with you if you don't think Mr. J in all his glory is completely irresistible," sighed Harley. "If that's true, I ain't the freak here. But now I'm really, really pissed off at the universe for making me miss that this morning."
"Speaking of freaks, I hope Harvey didn't scare you too much," said Ivy.
"Nah, I think I scared him more by screaming at him," said Harley. "Believe me, there are probably lots of other worse guys I could have woken up next to."
"What are you saying about my taste in men?" demanded Ivy.
"At least it wasn't a plant, right, kiddo?" chuckled Joker, which resulted in him being elbowed by Ivy. "Now that's no way to treat your potential father, young lady!" he giggled.
"I said shut up!" shrieked Ivy, punching him in the face.
"What's all the yelling about?" asked Harley.
"I'll tell you when you get here, Harley – gotta go now, see you soon, bye," said Ivy, hanging up before Joker could open his mouth again.
"You don't think Harley would be glad if I was your father?" said Joker, grinning at Ivy. "We could all be one big, happy family!"
"I think she'd hate me forever as a reminder that you might have slept with other women before her," retorted Ivy. "But you're not my goddamn father, for the last time!"
"If I am, I'm totally revealing it the way Darth Vader did to me," said Joker, nodding. "Although this time I get to say the 'I am your father' line, and you're the one who gets to scream, 'Noooooooooo!'…"
"Joker and…Poison Ivy, so I hear," said Jervis Tetch, entering the room in his dressing gown with Crane following him. "Good morning."
He was immediately punched in the face by Ivy. "You idiot!" she shrieked. "Do you have any idea what you've done?! Do you have any idea of what I had to suffer through this morning because of your stupid meddling?! And you dare to say 'good morning' to me?!"
"I'm…dreadfully sorry," stammered Tetch, cupping his bleeding nose. "It was a complete accident, I assure you…"
"Your apology doesn't help, and is not accepted," snapped Ivy. "Just get everything ready to change us back immediately – Harley's on her way."
Tetch rubbed his eyes. "I can't possibly work without my tea first thing in the morning…" he began.
"I'll make your goddamn tea choke you from the inside once I get my plant powers back, unless you get started on this right now!" interrupted Ivy.
"I'll go put on some tea, Jervis," said Crane, heading towards the kitchen. "I can't bear to hear rage and threats coming from that imposter in Harley's body."
"It's probably turning you on a little though, right?" asked Joker, grinning. "I know that's the effect it has on me. One of my favorite moods for Harley is forceful and feisty and homicidal…"
"I told you to stop looking at me, you bastard!" screamed Ivy, punching him again. "And you too, Crane! You, get to work right now!" she snapped, grabbing Tetch by his hair and shoving him into his laboratory. "Anyone else wanna be a pain for me today?" she demanded, looking around.
"Pamela Lillian Isley, that's really no way for you to talk to your father…" began Joker, but he was cut off as Ivy grabbed a thick book off a shelf and slammed him across the face with it, knocking Joker unconscious.
"You wanna be next?!" she demanded, holding the book up at Crane.
"I'm just...going to go make tea," stammered Crane, hurrying off. Ivy slowly lowered the book, seething in fury.
"He's probably gonna have a headache when he wakes up, which he deserves," she muttered to herself. "Might be awkward for Harley to explain why he has a black eye when her parents arrive though. Of course she can always blame Batman."