Chapter Four
Distance
And the treasure in your eyes…
You were never meant to give…
And you were made…
To turn your back…
What am I to say to that?
-'How'm I Supposed to Die' Civil Twilight
Slowly, her posture straightened and her jaw opened ever so slightly. Her eyes narrowed in confusion small sort of smile played on her lips.
"No-no-no you're not."
Remus nodded and exhaled loudly.
"I am."
Tonks blinked a few times, brows furrowed again. She attempted to speak then quickly shut her mouth and released a bitter sharp breath.
"That-that doesn't make any sense though."
He kicked at a loose piece of gravel and stared at his shoes.
"It doesn't?"
"No, it doesn't. You-you're not the werewolf."
Remus looked up at her, a combination of knowing and an embarrassed smile on his face.
"Are you quite sure about that?"
"I mean, yeah. Yeah, you would have told me!" she laughed, gesturing to him.
Remus chuckled ironically, gazing at his feet again.
"Why would I have told you, Tonks? Why would I want to tell this bright and beautiful young witch that I'm a werewolf?"
"Well-well, because we tell each other everything. Like how-how you stole all of Sirius' chocolate when you were at Hogwarts or how you are still afraid to watch horror films at night! How I don't like to show my feet and am terrified of garden gnomes!"
"My being a werewolf is nothing in comparison to frivolous fears and childish stories. This is of…of an entirely different caliber, Tonks."
Remus had to wonder why she wasn't running in fear. Why was she simply offended that he hadn't told her and not terrified that he was a monster? Then he remembered that night. The night where Tonks had clearly stated that she didn't care about the person being a werewolf, but about not being trusted with the information. He should have told her all along. Hiding it was what was making the situation so incredibly uncomfortable. Nothing else.
She buried her hands in her hair that had now went from purple to crimson red to bright blue then back to red.
"I-I-I…I don't understand. I told you that I…and you! Remus, what in the bloody hell? Why wouldn't you tell me? Do you not trust me?" she cried.
He looked up at her, hands raised in surrender and reassurance.
"No, Tonks. That's not it at all."
"You think I'm like the other Blacks? The prejudiced ones?"
"It's act-"
"You git! I've trusted you!"
"Tonks, if you'd j-"
"No!"
His inner wolf was growling. Remus was struggling to maintain the calm façade he had constantly been faking for the past week. She shouldn't yell at him. How could she not understand why he wouldn't tell her? Why was she screaming? She just didn't understand.
"If you knew-"
"Oh, sod off! You just think that I'm another bloody child!"
"I d-"
"Don't say that you don't! I know you-"
"Tonks, just shut it! Shut that mouth of yours for just sixty seconds!" he hissed pointing at her.
She stared at him, eyes wide. Tonks had never heard him raise his voice. This was the irritability of the wolf she had been warned about.
'He's right, Tonks. Just shut your mouth and listen for once.'
Though she seemed mentally reasonable, she did not look it. Her hair switched rapidly between yellow, red and orange.
"Tonks, imagine that you are not only a poor man but a poor man who is part monster. Imagine that you have hardly anything to your name outside what your father donates to you and a squalid apartment in which you only leave to go to your pathetic job in the muggle world because the wizarding world spits on you after they see your brand and your name scrawled on a registry with hundreds of other monsters that, unlike you, are uncivilized and making no effort to be someone respectable! Imagine that though you worked your entire life to do something even minimally beneficial you'll probably never amount to anything higher than a muggle substitute teacher and…a monster…"
She felt her eyes tear up. This wonderfully kind man before her filled with so much inner turmoil and sadness. An extraordinary individual who had no chance at a better life simply for something that wasn't his fault.
"Now, why, Tonks? Why on earth would I ever tell you all of that?" he asked, panting.
Tonks swallowed and shook her head.
"Why?" laughed Remus breathlessly.
He placed his hands on his hips and looked up at the dark sky where the city lights were concealing the stars, still wearing a small but caustic smile.
"I wouldn't, Tonks. I wouldn't. Not unless I was having a moment of weakness. Which you're very talented at initiating, may I add. You make me so selfish. I put you at risk by being near you. I'm a constant hazard to all those around me. If someone were to see you out and about in my company, knowing that I was a werewolf you would be shunned and no doubt treated as an outcast just as I."
Tonks took a step towards Remus, a hand outstretched reaching for his shoulder. She wanted desperately to comfort him. To make him smile that lopsided grin.
Remus shrunk away, folding his arms and shaking his head. She balled her hands up in fists at her sides, not out of anger but in anxiety. For once in Tonks' life, she had nothing to say. Not a single word that she could see being fitting for the conversation. This was not a familiar state of affairs. This was probably the most dramatically intense situation that Tonks had ever been in.
"Let's get going then," he exhaled straightening his jacket.
Then there was a loud 'crack' and they were both back at Grimmauld Place.
Two in the morning that same night:
Remus and Tonks had arrived back just two hours ago. Everyone who wasn't residing there had left and those who did were now fast asleep. Everyone except Sirius who had greeted them at the door, pissed drunk. He stumbled out in front of them and said:
"You both look exceptionally uncomfortable… Did you guys shag? I'm s-sorry. That fwas' inappropriate. G'night, Moony and Nymphadorash'."
Then he staggered up the stairs humming a song by The Weird Sisters.
Tonks followed Sirius quickly, shoving past him to escape to her own room, and tripping over the top step on her way. That sent Sirius into a fit of giggles. Remus had sighed and stood frozen in the foyer for probably five minutes, hands in his pockets and a blank stare on his face. What had he done? Why?
Finally, he resolved to visit the kitchen for a calming cup of tea. All the motions of preparing it were robotic. Fill the kettle. Put the kettle on the stove. Light the stove. Perform the muffliato charm to keep it quiet. Get a cup. Get a tea bag. Wait for the kettle to scream.
Scream.
Like Tonks should have. But she didn't. She'd just stood there, looking hurt and confused. It reminded him of the look you would see a child get when they'd been separated from their mother in a crowded setting. Unyieldingly sad and flushed with panic. Even pain. Both mental and physical. He had very strong urge to grab the tea cup and throw it across the room so it shattered into pieces.
Remus picked it up gently, and inhaled deeply.
'You don't want to go all mental and throw it. Stay calm. It's the wolf in you that wants to throw it. Not you,' he thought, closing his eyes.
"Hey."
Remus jumped, dropping the tea cup on the counter. It wobbled around for a few seconds before settling back down. He whirled around to see Tonks before him. She stood in the doorway of the kitchen, still in the same clothes as earlier. Her brows were furrowed but there was a small smile on her lips. Remus blinked and put his hands in his pockets.
"Hello, Tonks. May I...may I help you?" he asked, attempting to appear casual.
Tonks swallowed and shook her head, eyes looking at her tattered boots. Remus realized that she too, had come here to be alone and he was interrupting. Well, rather she was. Still, Remus felt that he owed it to Tonks to excuse himself and leave her to her thoughts.
"I'm just waiting for the water to boil, then I'll be out of your way," he said kindly, turning his back to her and staring at the stove.
Remus wanted her to leave the room and come back later. He could feel Tonks' eyes on him. They were filled with pity, sadness and regret. He experienced this feeling more times than he could count but somehow he could never quite get used to it. He felt normal. Aside from the scars and premature grey hair he looked normal. Then he remember what he was, and that he was not normal. Nowhere close. Normal for a werewolf that was.
"Can I have some too? If it's no trouble..." asked Tonks meekly.
Remus still didn't face her.
"Of course. No trouble at all."
The next few moments were silent. Remus pleaded to any higher power that Tonks would not speak to him. That she would forget the whole ordeal and him. The whole relationship would crumble and he wouldn't have to deal with this uncomfortable feeling every time they were together. Remus would rather lose their friendship and have good memories than have it continue into a bleak and stale relationship filled with pity and misdeeds.
He removed another cup from the cabinet to his right along with the box of peach chamomile tea. Remus could still feel Tonks' lingering gaze burning into the back of his neck.
He placed the tea bags into each cup and focused on not shaking with anxiety while pouring in the boiling water.
Turning around he kept his eyes on the cups of tea before setting one down before Tonks.
"Remus," she said quietly, as he started to exit the kitchen.
Remus halted just before the doorway and inhaled deeply through his nose. Slowly, he turned around. Tonks' hair faded to a mousy brown, her back to him.
"Yes," replied Remus as nonchalantly as possible.
"Will you please...will you please sit down and talk to me?"
Remus stood frozen, unsure of what to do. He swallowed and gnawed on his lower lip. Remus did NOT want to discuss this right now. He was tired and sore and on the verge of a mental breakdown. Then again, closure would be good. Once more he found himself torn but deep down knowing his true desire. He wanted to divulge all his secrets to Tonks. Get them out there and move on. That was probably a bad idea though. The last thing she wanted was more information about how her friend was a monster.
"Please, Remus," implored Tonks.
She'd done it again. Made him weak and selfish.
Remus approached the table with subtle conviction and purpose. He slowly sat at the head of the table, beside Tonks. She traced the lines of the wood with her delicate, black fingernails.
"Why didn't you say anything?" Tonks mumbled.
Remus sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Don't make me say it all again..." he groaned quietly.
"I just don't understand. I tell you everything. Don't you trust me?"
"It's not a matter of trust."
"Well, it can't all be because you...because you are attracted to me," said Tonks timidly.
Remus lowered his head and gave Tonks a grim smile.
"Why not?" he asked.
"I'm really not that special," replied Tonks with a small laugh.
She looked away. Her comment made Remus raise his brows and blink, bewildered.
'Not that special?' thought Remus. 'What does that mean?'
How could she think that? Tonks had to be one of the most special people he knew.
"And being a metamorphamagi doesn't make me the kind of 'special' I'm talking about. I'm talking about a different kind of special," she murmured with a small smile.
Remus drank some of his tea, waiting for her to clarify what she meant. Certainly she knew that there were other reasons behind why she was so special. Surely her self-esteem was not that low.
"I'm talking about the kind of special you are. Special isn't the right word I s'pose,' she mused. "Rare. A rare sort of special."
Remus snorted back laughter, shaking his head.
"Outside of my...well, my condition, I assure you I'm not so rare."
"You most certainly are," Tonks replied indignantly.
Remus smiled wryly, looking at her with kind eyes.
"You're so smart and nice and...and that's so rare for someone who...well, someone who..."
"Is a werewolf," finished Remus with a soft laugh.
Tonks shook her head and let her finger trace the rim of the tea cup, eyes downward. Remus raised his brows, prompting her to correct him. She finally met his eyes, her own glistening with understanding and kindness.
"Someone who has experienced so much tragedy. Face it, Remus. You've had more than a fair amount of bad experiences in your life and somehow you aren't bitter. It's just unfathomable."
Remus scoffed, taking a slow gulp of his own tea. He set down the cup and ran a hand through his hair.
"You make me sound like some sort of hero. I assure you, I'm nowhere close."
"We'll see about that."
His eyes widened for just a fraction of a second. Never had he shared a conversation like this with anyone. Not even James or Sirius. Not even his parents. Countless times they had reaffirmed his belief that he was far from being a monster but this time it was different. Somehow he was inching closer and closer towards believing fully that he was something greater than his curse. Somehow, this meant more. Maybe because she had known him less than his friends and therefore was unbiased. Maybe it was the fact that whenever Tonks spoke he would cling to every syllable that came out of her mouth. Maybe it was that whenever Remus saw her and even heard her speak, he felt like a better person. Like she made him complete.
"Why do you care so much? Why do you care that I see myself in a better light?" inquired Remus.
Tonks' cheeks flushed then quickly faded, yet a small smile remained on her lips.
"I care about you, Remus."
Something inside him crumbled. In a good way. Tears threatened to flood his eyes but he fought them off. Tonks tucked a lock of now bubblegum pink hair behind her ear and took a slow sip of her tea. Though starting to cool, it somehow warmed her.
"I don't know why you see yourself so poorly in the first place," she murmured.
Remus shook his head, smiling just barely.
"I'm a werewolf, Tonks. Hardly anyone sees me as anything other than walking plague. I don't know how anyone in this Order manages to value my opinion."
"Because you're smart!" protested Tonks.
Remus ran his fingers through his coarse hair and sighed.
"I'm glad to hear you say that, Tonks. However, that's not how the world sees me."
A pitying look came into to Tonks' eyes. Remus laughed softly and gave her a dismissive wave.
"I got over that ages ago, Tonks. Don't feel bad for me."
But she did feel bad for him.
"Are we…are we still friends, Remus?" asked Tonks after a long pause.
Remus laughed softly, taking a slow sip of his own tea. His eyes looked at Tonks with a secret longing masked with an amused sort of sparkle.
"Tonks, I should be asking you that, don't you think? That's pretty evident," he grinned.
Tonks' lips quirked up in a smile, she drew her knees back up to her chest resting her chin on her knees. Slowly her arms hugged her legs and she nodded.
"I still want to be friends."
Remus shrugged, setting his tea cup back down on the table. He extended a hand to her.
"Very well."
"Very well," Tonks repeated shaking his hand.
Remus stood quickly and placed his dirtied tea cup in the sink. He faced Tonks and sighed before yawning.
"I'm heading off to bed now. I'll see you tomorrow morning…about five hours from now to be precise."
Tonks smiled as she drank a gulp of her tea. As Remus started off to exit the kitchen his hand gently patted her shoulder. A warm shiver went down her spine at his touch. In that moment, all thoughts of Remus being a werewolf were banished from her mind. Not that those thoughts mattered in the first place.