Ranma the Forever man
Issue #3 Vol #1
'Heading Back'
Ranma and Akane stood on the hill overlooking the valley. The whole landscape was bare to all, as there was no natural life around. That made it much easier to see the beasties. It was obvious that they were residing there as their home, as the sea of demons got thicker towards a cave that rested in the middle of the small valley.
"This is gonna be an all day job," Ranma grumbled.
"They're gonna make me break a sweat," Akane whined, pulling out her favorite halberd with the fuzzy dice tied to the head.
Ranma gave Akane a withering glance, "Not more than four hours ago, you were drenched with blood, and now you're worried about sweating?"
Akane paused to consider that, "Hmm, I guess there isn't much of a difference." Then Akane bottom lip stuck out in pout, "I just took a bath though."
Ranma truck a dramatic pose, signaling to Akane that 'that damn annoying paraphrase' was about to be spoken again, "The life of a immortal martial artist with an annoying ass spouse is fraught with peril."
"I really wish you would just remember the person who you got that from, so I can find their grave and violate it," Akane said drolly.
"Well, you remember the drill, right? If they happen to get a lucky shot, remember to gather any limbs you lose. It's a lot easier and a lot less time to reattach them than it is to grow them back."
"Yeah, yeah, I remember, Mr. Homegrown..."
Ranma glared at Akane's smirk, "We said we wouldn't ever talk about that again."
"Awww, I'm sorry," Akane said with carefully practice sincerity, took her the better part of four years to get that 'special' tone in her voice perfect, "How about a kiss for an apology?" The couple tilted their heads together, and drew into a sensual and lingering kiss. The husband and wife smiled warmly at each other.
"Your lips are chapped," Ranma said affectionately
"Your breath reeks," Akane said lovingly. It was one of their magical moments.
Ranma removed his pack from wherever it was stored, and started a quick inventory.
"Throwing Daggers, gun ammo, scissors, hard liquor, talcum powder..."
*********************************************************************
Me and Akane have our moments, like every couple, even I have to admit. Just because she cut my dick off once, doesn't mean that we aren't intimate with each other.
Yeah, after the first dozen or so centuries we were together, we kinda got tired of each other, and she wanted a more 'open' relationship. I wasn't bitter in the least when she chose other men over me, I couldn't care less what the slut did with herself...
*********************************************************************
"...Squeaky toy, old martial arts scroll, jar full of pickled testicles, carving knife..."
*********************************************************************
...Nope, not bitter at all. Though after the fertility incident, my dear spouse left quite the liter behind. Fortunately, all the fucking rug rats are dirt napping now, though some of their legacies live on. The cult of the Lillian Brood has been going pretty strong for a couple millennia, and still makes an effort to be a pain in the ass every so often. I knew that little 'prophecy' Akane left them would be taken a bit too far. It's a damn nuisance when we cross them though, but easily put back in their place.
A few of Akane's children, we even had restarted the lost tribe of the Chinese Amazons. What can I say? We're sentimental. Even gave them befitting names of toiletry supplies. Hey, it was funny at the time; they still hold 'Tampon' as a highly revered name. Every few centuries, they also come gunning for me, in order to free their 'Patron Mother' from the clutches of the evil Immortal Saotome. Guess stomping Akane's head into the ground in the middle of the village square wasn't one of my prime moments, but I was having a bad day.
Anyhow, whenever they come around causing me no end of grief, I'm forced to give them spankings, and then gently chastise them... at blade point... into leaving me alone. After they stopped sniffling Akane would 'bless' them. Yeah, her tastes got a bit broader during the eons...
***********************************************************************
"...Sun dried ovaries on a string, flint, deodorant leaves..."
***********************************************************************
Can't complain though, Akane and them would put up one hell of a show. Hey, I'm immortal, not a eunuch.
***********************************************************************
"Uh, Ranma? We're demon butchering, not setting up camp," Akane quipped, getting impatient.
"Oh, right, kinda lost in thought there," Ranma stated sheepishly. The eternal martial artist drew his sword, and cried "OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!!!!"
_______________________________________________________________________
Ranma and Akane waded through the demon horde like thick sludge, particularly since that was all that was left of many of them, a gooey sludge.
"This is getting kind of tedious," Akane stated evenly, spinning her halberd around her like a sociopathic fan out for a night on the town.
"Well try to make a game of it, kill as many as you can in one minute, then try to beat that record!"
"Sounds like a dumb game," stated Akane sullenly, deciding to switch to using a large pair of shears as a weapon for a little variety.
"Well, don't say I didn't try," Ranma replied, "Hey, I know what will cheer you up!" Ranma suddenly sheathed his sword, and punched into the chest of the nearest creature, "Don't ever say I didn't do anything romantic for ya."
Akane caught the still beating heart that Ranma tossed to her, "Aww, how sweet!" Akane took a bite out of it, and then quickly spit the piece out, "Eww, bitter."
"You're not supposed to eat it," Ranma said, upset that his gift was now ruined, and he even took extra care not to damage it when he caved in the original owner's chest.
"Well, what good is it then?" Akane was beating the demons now with a petrified tree branch she found lying on the ground.
Ranma deflated a bit when his gesture of love to his wife was scorned, but then found his thoughts contemplating another matter, "They're guarding something..."
"Well aren't you the bright one?" Akane mocked, making a wish with the legs of one demon.
"Something's in that cave that they don't want us to see, possibly a hive."
"Ooh, demon eggs! We eats tonight!" Akane cheered.
"You seem hungry," Ranma noted, "Tell you what, we get back to the village, your treat."
"Why you freeloading bum!" The raven-haired girl cried indignantly
"Hey, you're the one with the loot!"
"Only because your... what was that weird and hindering word again... honor won't allow you to desecrate the dead." Ranma didn't say anymore as they pushed through the swarm towards the center. He knew that the honor thing was just an excuse so he wouldn't have to do any of the work, Akane would always begrudgingly pay for everything, and couples shared their finances anyway.
Finally making it to the mouth of the cave, legions of dark creatures formed a living wall; heavily intent on not letting them pass. Ranma had also decided that things were getting monotonous, nothing like excessiveness to take the fun out of thrashing monsters, and released an even bigger wall, made of ki.
"After you, dear," Ranma bowed and swept his hand towards the bare entrance.
"Why, such a gentleman, even for a worthless, impotent, animated corpse." Akane said with a genuine smile, and walked in. It took her a few seconds to note the spike sticking through her sternum from the front. Akane gave Ranma a glare, and received a shrug in turn.
"I had my suspicions, thanks for confirming them. Guess we should be on guard for any more traps," Ranma said, with his own practiced innocence and naivety.
"Bullshit," Akane grumbled, using her ki to form a dense barrier that caused the rest of the projectiles to bounce off harmlessly as they progressed forward. Ranma was getting irritated by the noise, and expanded his ki field to sweep to the cave walls, crushing the cowering demons that were launching them.
Ranma's act seemed relatively harmless; unfortunately, taking out the natural pillars that were holding up prime parts of the ceiling wasn't an act of a gifted thinker.
Akane growled in irritation, "Can't you do anything right? Now we're gonna have to dig our way out of here!"
Ranma shrugged idly, "You could use the exercise, you're getting kinda pudgy anyhow."
"Really? Are my breasts looking bigger?" Akane asked hopefully, as the rubble crashed down on top of them.
The added weight from the ceiling falling caused the floor to collapse too, right down into some ancient ruins, and into a conveniently placed pool of swirling energy. Death was such a forward thinker.
Issue #3 Vol #1
'Heading Back'
Ranma and Akane stood on the hill overlooking the valley. The whole landscape was bare to all, as there was no natural life around. That made it much easier to see the beasties. It was obvious that they were residing there as their home, as the sea of demons got thicker towards a cave that rested in the middle of the small valley.
"This is gonna be an all day job," Ranma grumbled.
"They're gonna make me break a sweat," Akane whined, pulling out her favorite halberd with the fuzzy dice tied to the head.
Ranma gave Akane a withering glance, "Not more than four hours ago, you were drenched with blood, and now you're worried about sweating?"
Akane paused to consider that, "Hmm, I guess there isn't much of a difference." Then Akane bottom lip stuck out in pout, "I just took a bath though."
Ranma truck a dramatic pose, signaling to Akane that 'that damn annoying paraphrase' was about to be spoken again, "The life of a immortal martial artist with an annoying ass spouse is fraught with peril."
"I really wish you would just remember the person who you got that from, so I can find their grave and violate it," Akane said drolly.
"Well, you remember the drill, right? If they happen to get a lucky shot, remember to gather any limbs you lose. It's a lot easier and a lot less time to reattach them than it is to grow them back."
"Yeah, yeah, I remember, Mr. Homegrown..."
Ranma glared at Akane's smirk, "We said we wouldn't ever talk about that again."
"Awww, I'm sorry," Akane said with carefully practice sincerity, took her the better part of four years to get that 'special' tone in her voice perfect, "How about a kiss for an apology?" The couple tilted their heads together, and drew into a sensual and lingering kiss. The husband and wife smiled warmly at each other.
"Your lips are chapped," Ranma said affectionately
"Your breath reeks," Akane said lovingly. It was one of their magical moments.
Ranma removed his pack from wherever it was stored, and started a quick inventory.
"Throwing Daggers, gun ammo, scissors, hard liquor, talcum powder..."
*********************************************************************
Me and Akane have our moments, like every couple, even I have to admit. Just because she cut my dick off once, doesn't mean that we aren't intimate with each other.
Yeah, after the first dozen or so centuries we were together, we kinda got tired of each other, and she wanted a more 'open' relationship. I wasn't bitter in the least when she chose other men over me, I couldn't care less what the slut did with herself...
*********************************************************************
"...Squeaky toy, old martial arts scroll, jar full of pickled testicles, carving knife..."
*********************************************************************
...Nope, not bitter at all. Though after the fertility incident, my dear spouse left quite the liter behind. Fortunately, all the fucking rug rats are dirt napping now, though some of their legacies live on. The cult of the Lillian Brood has been going pretty strong for a couple millennia, and still makes an effort to be a pain in the ass every so often. I knew that little 'prophecy' Akane left them would be taken a bit too far. It's a damn nuisance when we cross them though, but easily put back in their place.
A few of Akane's children, we even had restarted the lost tribe of the Chinese Amazons. What can I say? We're sentimental. Even gave them befitting names of toiletry supplies. Hey, it was funny at the time; they still hold 'Tampon' as a highly revered name. Every few centuries, they also come gunning for me, in order to free their 'Patron Mother' from the clutches of the evil Immortal Saotome. Guess stomping Akane's head into the ground in the middle of the village square wasn't one of my prime moments, but I was having a bad day.
Anyhow, whenever they come around causing me no end of grief, I'm forced to give them spankings, and then gently chastise them... at blade point... into leaving me alone. After they stopped sniffling Akane would 'bless' them. Yeah, her tastes got a bit broader during the eons...
***********************************************************************
"...Sun dried ovaries on a string, flint, deodorant leaves..."
***********************************************************************
Can't complain though, Akane and them would put up one hell of a show. Hey, I'm immortal, not a eunuch.
***********************************************************************
"Uh, Ranma? We're demon butchering, not setting up camp," Akane quipped, getting impatient.
"Oh, right, kinda lost in thought there," Ranma stated sheepishly. The eternal martial artist drew his sword, and cried "OLLY OLLY OXEN FREE!!!!"
_______________________________________________________________________
Ranma and Akane waded through the demon horde like thick sludge, particularly since that was all that was left of many of them, a gooey sludge.
"This is getting kind of tedious," Akane stated evenly, spinning her halberd around her like a sociopathic fan out for a night on the town.
"Well try to make a game of it, kill as many as you can in one minute, then try to beat that record!"
"Sounds like a dumb game," stated Akane sullenly, deciding to switch to using a large pair of shears as a weapon for a little variety.
"Well, don't say I didn't try," Ranma replied, "Hey, I know what will cheer you up!" Ranma suddenly sheathed his sword, and punched into the chest of the nearest creature, "Don't ever say I didn't do anything romantic for ya."
Akane caught the still beating heart that Ranma tossed to her, "Aww, how sweet!" Akane took a bite out of it, and then quickly spit the piece out, "Eww, bitter."
"You're not supposed to eat it," Ranma said, upset that his gift was now ruined, and he even took extra care not to damage it when he caved in the original owner's chest.
"Well, what good is it then?" Akane was beating the demons now with a petrified tree branch she found lying on the ground.
Ranma deflated a bit when his gesture of love to his wife was scorned, but then found his thoughts contemplating another matter, "They're guarding something..."
"Well aren't you the bright one?" Akane mocked, making a wish with the legs of one demon.
"Something's in that cave that they don't want us to see, possibly a hive."
"Ooh, demon eggs! We eats tonight!" Akane cheered.
"You seem hungry," Ranma noted, "Tell you what, we get back to the village, your treat."
"Why you freeloading bum!" The raven-haired girl cried indignantly
"Hey, you're the one with the loot!"
"Only because your... what was that weird and hindering word again... honor won't allow you to desecrate the dead." Ranma didn't say anymore as they pushed through the swarm towards the center. He knew that the honor thing was just an excuse so he wouldn't have to do any of the work, Akane would always begrudgingly pay for everything, and couples shared their finances anyway.
Finally making it to the mouth of the cave, legions of dark creatures formed a living wall; heavily intent on not letting them pass. Ranma had also decided that things were getting monotonous, nothing like excessiveness to take the fun out of thrashing monsters, and released an even bigger wall, made of ki.
"After you, dear," Ranma bowed and swept his hand towards the bare entrance.
"Why, such a gentleman, even for a worthless, impotent, animated corpse." Akane said with a genuine smile, and walked in. It took her a few seconds to note the spike sticking through her sternum from the front. Akane gave Ranma a glare, and received a shrug in turn.
"I had my suspicions, thanks for confirming them. Guess we should be on guard for any more traps," Ranma said, with his own practiced innocence and naivety.
"Bullshit," Akane grumbled, using her ki to form a dense barrier that caused the rest of the projectiles to bounce off harmlessly as they progressed forward. Ranma was getting irritated by the noise, and expanded his ki field to sweep to the cave walls, crushing the cowering demons that were launching them.
Ranma's act seemed relatively harmless; unfortunately, taking out the natural pillars that were holding up prime parts of the ceiling wasn't an act of a gifted thinker.
Akane growled in irritation, "Can't you do anything right? Now we're gonna have to dig our way out of here!"
Ranma shrugged idly, "You could use the exercise, you're getting kinda pudgy anyhow."
"Really? Are my breasts looking bigger?" Akane asked hopefully, as the rubble crashed down on top of them.
The added weight from the ceiling falling caused the floor to collapse too, right down into some ancient ruins, and into a conveniently placed pool of swirling energy. Death was such a forward thinker.