Past Gojyo

As I ran to meet Jien, I felt excited and nervous. I couldn't stop thinking about the stuff that happened today. It almost felt like a dream to me that somebody stepped in when Raeki wanted to cut my hand off, and then fed me and played with me all day. I never would have thought such a cool person could even exist.

Hakkai wasn't just nice though, he was super smart and strong too. It seemed like he could do anything. I hated that he had to leave now and that I'd probably never see him again. I almost told him about Mom and the way she treated me. All day it had been right there on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't know how to say it, and I didn't know what he would do. Would he care? What could he do? What could anyone do? Everyone in town knew how she was, but no one ever did anything. Of course, they really didn't care, and Hakkai seemed like he would. He said he had a friend who was a hanyou, and that must be why he'd put up with me all day. But what could he do to help me?

I almost asked him if I could go with him to Cheng. It was a long way, but I could make it if it meant getting out of this town. Of course, Hakkai wouldn't want some kid tagging along with him on his long, important trip. He wouldn't say yes, I knew that. I just wanted to ask. I just wanted him to know about Mom. I just wished he could help me somehow. I'd never felt quite like that before. I'd noticed that nobody cared, and I'd told myself I didn't need them to care—I would be okay even without them—but Hakkai made me feel safer than I'd ever felt before, and I wanted him to protect me.

Hakkai was young though. He wouldn't want to take care of a kid.

I can almost take care of myself. If I brought my own stuff and carried my own weight…maybe he wouldn't mind so much…

Jien though. I couldn't leave Jien with her.

Jien's an adult now. It's not like I can help him anyway.

It didn't feel right to go somewhere without him though. We had to stick together.

I raced all the way to the other side of town, hyper with my feelings, until I reached the lumber mill. The guys were already heading home, axes hefted over their shoulders, dirty and sweaty from the long day they'd had at work, making plans to have drinks at the bar. I picked out Jien slogging through the middle of the group. He looked dog tired, but I sprinted up to him, yelling, "Jiii-en!"

"Hey there, tiny," he muttered, cracking an exhausted smile.

I barely noticed as I ran a couple circles around him. "Guess what, guess what, guess what!"

"All right, all right, what?"

"No, you gotta guess!" I play punched him in the side.

"Not now, Goj, all right. Hey, c'mere." He grabbed my shoulder, and looked down into my face. "Dammit. Did she hit you?"

I almost forgot about what Mom did this morning. I almost forgot how Raeki punched me.

Jien scrubbed lightly at the bruise on my mouth, and I wriggled in his grip.

"Jien, Jien, you ain't gonna believe it, baby!" I insisted, clawing at his shirt.

"Okay, okay, so tell me why don't you? God damn, Gojyo. Why do you have to act like such a little psycho? I just worked a fourteen hour shift cutting down trees!"

"Lemme carry the axe for you!" I made a grab for it.

"No, you better not. This's a man's tool." He adjusted it on his shoulder and started to walk. "Are you gonna tell me what's got you so excited?"

"I made a friend today," I announced, jerking on his arm, still trying to take the axe from him.

Jien looked down at me, mouth hanging open. "You did?"

"I knew you'd be surprised!" Jien had always wanted me to make friends He used to say it was 'cause he got sick of me following him around, but I knew better now.

"Bro, that's so great!" He ruffled my hair. "Who?"

"His name's Hakkai. He's not from this town, he's just passing through, but he's really cool! He know's all kindsa stuff, and he's really good at everything, and super nice, and crazy smart, and strong."

"Wow, he sounds awesome." Jien grinned at me. "Where'd you meet him?"

"Just…" I decided to leave out the part with Raeki. "Around town. We had lunch together."

"You did?"

"Yeah, we went to the Sunflower Café, but they didn't want me there, so we had a picnic-kinda-thing instead."

"Sounds fun! Why didn't you invite me?" He shoved me playfully.

"I didn't wanna take you away from Seita. Duh!" I pushed him back, and he laughed.

For the rest of the walk home, I told Jien all about my day with Hakkai, down to the last detail, where we'd gone, what we'd done, even what we'd talked about, and he humored me like the pro big brother he was.

"It was so cool to meet him," I said when I ran out of other things to tell him. "Hey! So guess what else? He says he has another friend who's a hanyou! Isn't that fuckin' crazy?"

Finally, Jien was quiet. He took a sec before asking, "Did you believe him?"

I looked up at him, questioningly. "What? Yeah, of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"There aren't a lot of kids like you out there. What're the chances he's run into more than one?"

I laughed. "Don't be dumb, Jien. Hakkai's a world-traveler. I bet he's been all kindsa places and done a ton of awesome shit. He said this other hanyou's his roommate and everything, so he really must not mind us!"

"Roommate?"

"Yeah, he lives with him. Man, how tired are you, Jien?"

"C'mon, Goj, it's probably his brother if he lives with him."

I hadn't thought of that before, and it stopped me from talking a few seconds. If Hakkai's hanyou friend was his brother, that wouldn't be as cool. It was one thing to choose to be friends with a child of taboo, but just getting stuck with one as a sibling…

I paused to look up at Jien. He got stuck with me, and I was the biggest pain in his ass. I'd known for years how much better off he'd be if I had never been born.

Jien raised his eyebrows. "What?"

"If we weren't brothers, would you be my friend?" I asked quietly.

My brother stammered, "I…you…we…I mean…yeah, I…I would."

"Really?"

"Yes, Goj. Of course."

"Really-really, Jien?"

We were almost to the front door, and the sun had set. The sky was purpley-blue and the crickets and frogs were chirping in the grass. Jien put his hand on my shoulder to stop me and look me in the eyes. "Gojyo, you're an awesome kid. Of course I would want to be your friend if you weren't my brother, okay?"

Slowly, I nodded.

"It doesn't matter though, because you are my brother. That's all that matters. All right, punky?"

I tried to smile, but I wasn't too sure.

"Besides." He led the way to the door. "You've got this Hakkai kid to be your friend now, so everything's fine."

I thought about telling him that Hakkai wasn't a kid, and that he wasn't going to stay in town. I might never see him again. I didn't need to tell Jien that though. I was too excited that I'd met someone who didn't mind hanging out with me. There could be other people like Hakkai out there too, right?

"Yeah, you're right," I agreed as he opened the door.

As soon as he did, Mom rushed at him and threw her arms around his neck. "Jien!" she sobbed. "Thank goodness you're home!"

My brother almost dropped the axe to support her. "Mom? What's wrong?"

"Mommy was so lonely without you!" she wailed. "You left me here alone all day!"

"Mom, I had to work…"

She pulled him inside, not listening as usual, and I trailed after them, trying to be quiet and stay out of sight.

"You have to stop this," she said firmly, drying tears from her cheeks. "You're the only thing I have in the world—you can't be gone all day every day like this!"

Jien let her lead him through the house to the kitchen, barely arguing. "If I don't work, how will we eat?"

Mom's gaze shot to me suddenly, and darkened.

I stiffened, standing absolutely still.

"Make him work," she decided. "He's old enough now."

Jien just stared at her. He must not have known what to say at all.

Mom made him sit down at the table and pried the axe out of his hand so she could lean it against the nearby wall. She stroked his hair and massaged his shoulders, crooning in his ear. "Think how nice it would be, Jien? You and me, alone here all day, with him away… We could finally spend some quality time together."

I watched the way she touched him, the way she slid her hands down his back and over his chest.

Jien's breath hitched.

Mom kissed his neck. "It's his fault things are this way. You know that. He should be the one to fix it. Don't you think?"

My brother nodded. "Okay, Mom. I'll think about it."

Giggling, she kissed him again. "That's mommy's good boy." She ran her fingers through his hair. "I made you a special dinner. You're so dirty though—you should really have a bath before you eat."

"All right."

She kissed his lips and slid her hands down to his hips. "Go wash up, okay?"

Nodding, Jien heaved himself out of the chair and came back into the living room. Our eyes met, but he just shook his head, probably scared to draw any more attention to me, and then he started up the stairs to the bath.

I watched him go, and when I looked back, Mom was staring at me.

Swallowing hard, I tried to smile. "Hey, Mom. Sorry you were alone all day…"

She didn't even blink as she stared at me, and her expression had changed so much from the sweet smile she'd shown my brother not ten seconds ago.

I tried to keep grinning anyway. "I woulda come back to check on you, except…I met this guy today. He was really cool, and we hung out pretty much all day… It was fun."

She drew herself up. "While you were out getting fucked in the ass like the little whore you are, I cleaned the entire house by myself. I can't believe what a lazy piece of shit you are. You're just like your father. He was a lazy piece of shit. A lazy, cheating piece of shit. And that woman." She spat. "You're a lazy slut, just like your parents."

I blinked at her. She'd been saying those kinds of things to me my whole life. I barely knew what I should think anymore. Finally, I said, "If you really want me to get a job…I can do that. I don't go to school, so I might as well… If that's what you want."

She snapped and jerked her head. She barked. It sounded almost like a laugh. "You want to do what I want? You want to make mommy happy, is that it, Gojyo?"

With another painful gulp, I nodded. "Yeah. Of course."

Mom stormed across the room suddenly, and I flinched back, but I didn't dare run.

She grabbed a handful of my hair, jerking my head up.

I gave a pained gasp, and Mom hissed, face close to mine, "I want you to go die."

I lowered my eyes. "I know…"

"You know? Why are you still here then? If you know why don't you do it? Don't you realize how much happier Jien and I would be without you around to ruin everything? You think I care if you get a job? You think I care that you made a friend today?" Mom laughed viciously. "I wish with everything that I could wipe you right out of existence, memories and all." Spitting, she shoved me away suddenly, and I had to fight to stay on my feet.

She turned her back to me, sobbing and covering her face. "That would end all our misery. Yours too!"

I hated to watch her cry. I hated that my existence made her so unhappy. I remembered the way Jien held and kissed her when she got upset—it seemed like the only thing that could ever make her feel better.

"Mom…" I inched closer. "Please don't cry…"

Another sob racked her body.

I reached for her hand. "If I could do that for you…if I could just…stop existing completely…" For the first time ever, I couldn't finish the words. I couldn't even think them. I paused. Something must have change without my noticing. Always in the past I'd thought not existing would help Mom, and I would have been happy to do that for her.

If I didn't exist though, I wouldn't have met Hakkai…

What did that matter? He was a guy I hung out with once. I would probably never even see him again, so what difference did it make if I'd met him?

Today, he didn't make me feel disgusting or unworthy though. He treated me the way he would have treated anybody else.

"Mom. C'mon, please don't cry. Everything's gonna be okay. I'll get a job if you want, and then you can have more time alone with Jien. I promise." I touched her hand.

For just a moment, I felt it trembling in my own, soft and warm, delicate like a bird, creamy and slender like a white lily. I didn't think I'd ever held her hand before.

At first, she didn't do anything, and I thought she might just let me. I thought she might give me this one chance to feel like she was my mother, like I didn't gross her out.

Mom jerked away suddenly, violently. She turned on me, eyes flashing, tears pouring down her cheeks. "You…" she hissed. "You have some nerve. Touching me. After all the things you've done to me and my son and your father… Who do you think you are?"

"I just feel bad for you," I whispered. "I know this isn't what you want—"

Mom slapped me across the face, and I stumbled back against the wall. She didn't stop there though. She closed in again, snagging another handful of my hair and jerking it and holding me in place. "You feel bad for me? You feel bad for me?" She slapped me again, and then again, back and forth across the face. My nose started bleeding.

"Mom." I tried to shield my face. "Mom, wait!"

"You feel bad for me! You little monster! What do you mean, telling me things like that? This is all your fault! All of it! You and your cunt of a mother!"

"Mom, c'mon! Please!" I tried to pull away but she still had me by the hair, and she went on, beating me in a torrent of slaps, fists, and terrible words. "Ow! Mom, stop!"

"You awful. Evil. Disgusting! Sickening! Freak of nature! You monstrous, hideous, bleeding, fucking, son of a bitch! That woman! That woman! That fucking woman!" She hit me so hard I saw stars, and then she slammed me back against the window.

My head hit the glass.

"Mom!" I tried to pull lose again. Her claws tore my arm open.

She bashed me into the window again.

"Mom, stop! Stop!"

"You're just like she was! That bitch! That whore! Taking my husband and leaving me with you! That selfish slut! You're just like her, Gojyo! Exactly like her!"

She slammed me against the window one more time, and this time I heard the glass crack under my skull, and then everything went dark.

Present Gojyo

It took me literally all day to walk to Kotogara and by the time I got there the sun was setting, and I was tired, cold, and hungry. It was a pretty bad idea, I realized, walking all day in the dead of winter without any supplies at all. If I'd gone home to get Hakkai, he would have insisted we wait until morning so he could pack whatever he thought we needed and then set out at the break of dawn so we could spend the night here before heading home the next day.

Whatever though. Hakkai wasn't with me—he was at home building a time machine, and that meant I was calling the shots. I'd just have to live with my decisions.

When I finally got to town, I immediately noticed the weird-ass vibe in the air. The place was dark, and not just because night was settling in—most of the lights were off in the street, and the buildings were blacked out. It took me a moment to realize most of the window were boarded up. Here and there, I saw one that wasn't, with a candle burning in it, and all too often some wrecked-looking housewife would pluck the curtains aside to stare out fearfully as I walked by. A lot of them were crying. The whole town seemed like it was drenched in silence and sadness, and the bitter chill of the wind gushing down the back of my neck didn't help.

The streets were mostly empty, and the only people I saw were men dressed in shabby clothes, faces grim and suspicious as they watched me pass. They weren't doing anything normal either; a lot of them carried shovels or pickaxes, some of them had hammers and belts full of nails, but I didn't see even one thing that looked like it was under construction. In the distance, I heard an electric saw.

Hesitantly, I stopped in the middle of the street to try to figure out just what in the hell was going on.

A pillar of black smoke rose up from the far side of town, brining the smell of burning flesh with it, but the air had gotten a bit misty, and outside the sounds of the saw and the constant hammering, I didn't hear anything. Not even murmuring voices. On one side of me, a giant tree grew, and clusters of wooden crosses had been raised there. The dirt had been moved recently, so they must have been fresh graves.

On the other side of the street, a group of guys was gathered around a cart full of pine coffins, plain and cheap. One of them was manning a heavy-looking wheelbarrow, draped in a tarp. I noticed a clawed hand sticking out from under the tarp, but he was wheeling it away from the funeral home. I stood and watched him shuffle around the bend, struggling with the load as he headed toward the smoke, and I couldn't help feeling just a bit creeped out.

When I glanced back at the guys around the coffin carriage, they were glaring at me and muttering to each other. I tried to look confident as I crossed the street to them, calling out, "Oy, ojisan… Nice…day… Right?" There was nothing nice about today, from the strange scent of soot in the air to the relentless cold in my skin, but I couldn't think of anything else to say.

An older man stepped forward, glaring at me with pale and angry eyes. "Outsider." He stuck a pitch fork in my face. "What business do you have here?"

Automatically, I jumped back, and the others crowded around, looking all too ready to stab me in the face with whatever they happened to have in their hands.

"Woah, woah, easy!" I put my hands up. "Everybody take it easy, all right? I'm just looking for somebody."

They exchanged suspicious glances and grumbled. I scanned their faces. There were guys of every age, but I didn't see a single youkai. Come to think of it, I hadn't seen a youkai since I came into town.

I didn't dare take my eyes off the pitchfork threatening to rip my nostril open to check, but I'd have to make a mental note to look later.

"Who're you looking for?" the man with the pitchfork demanded. He wore a white apron covered in blood. That might be because he was the butcher, or it might be because he was use to disemboweling strangers with those prongs.

As soon as he asked, I realized I didn't have a clue. Other than knowing I was looking for a scientist, I didn't have a name or even a description to give. If I'd gone back for Hakkai, he would have noticed that before we ever got started, and he would have made sure we went back to get that information from Sanzo. I hadn't thought about it at all, and apparently Sanzo-sama hadn't either. We'd been too busy bickering.

I licked my lips, wondering how I could talk my way out of getting killed for no good reason. "I-I don't know. He's a scientist…"

"A scientist?" a guy with a wooden stake shouted incredulously. "Does this look like a place where scientists hang out, friend?"

I couldn't help glaring at him. "No. And I'm not your friend. I just came to find my scientist and then I'll be on my way."

"What do you want with a scientist?" a man brandishing a hatched wondered.

I made a point to move further away from him and closer to the guy with the sledge hammer. I'd rather be bludgeoned to death than attacked with an axe. "I-I dunno, okay? I was sent here to find him. He abandoned his lab, and I wanna know why."

They all grumbled to each other again, looking more and more skeptical, and I realized I was feeling kinda scared. Normally stuff like this didn't bother me, because normally I had someone on my side who'd as soon stab a bitch as watch me get hurt or be threatened. Maybe I was dumb to do this without Hakkai.

The guy with the sledgehammer asked, "What's your scientist look like? At least you gotta know that."

It would be dumb, I thought, to tell them I had no idea, so I made something up. "Balding, glasses, a little tubby, middle-aged. C'mon, guys, he's a scientist. He's probably wearing one of those white lab coats."

One by one, they all looked at the man with the pitchfork. "Is he lyin'?" the stake guy wondered.

Pitch fork shook his old head, rustling his white beard. "There's nobody like that around here."

"What're you telling me?" I took another, slow step back. "There's no scientist here? Not even hiding out? C'mon, guys, this's kinda an emergency."

"Didn't say that." Pitchfork finally lowered his weapon and gestured for the others to do the same. They did, reluctantly. "The only scientist around here is Willis, but I don't know…"

"Great. Willis. Yeah. That's the name. Where's he?"

The old man shook his head. "Not sure you're looking for Willis."

"I'm looking for a scientist. If there's only one in town that must be him. Just tell me where I can find him."

He jerked his head down the street. "Three blocks down. In Taibo's bar. Place is closed until further notice…but if you knock loud enough, Willis might answer."

"Great." I stuck my hands in my pockets and started walking right away. "Thanks." I couldn't get away fast enough—I didn't want to give them a chance to change their minds about killing me.

What was with them anyway? The whole town acted like it was ready for a mass funeral, but was that any reason to threaten me? Maybe I should have asked more questions, tried to figure out what was happening around here.

I glanced over my shoulder as I went. They were standing around still, watching me and muttering to each other. They didn't seem like they were interested in answering more questions, and I wasn't up to ask.

Maybe I should go home and get Hakkai. Finding things out wasn't my area of expertise, and when I told him how weird this scene was he'd have to put the time machine on hold and check this out with me. He would if he cared about me at all.

When I thought about Hakkai and his latest obsession though, I had my doubts. He didn't seem to care about anything other than the time machine and going back to save Kanan. I couldn't blame him for that…but it did make me kinda mad.

No, I could do this without him. That Willis nerd was around here somewhere. Hopefully, he'd have all the answers I needed.