Part 4: Zim Sends in a Little Keef

There could be no mistake about it, from the aqua tinted siding, to the purple roof, to the asymmetrical windows- though it looked unusual not nestled between the tall buildings of the city, Dib knew right away who's house it was. But what was it doing here? "Oh well," he shrugged. "Nothing else makes sense, so why should this?"

He made his way up the front walk, passing a familiar assortment of lawn gnomes, plastic flamingos, and puffer fish. He reached up to knock on the door bearing a 'Men's Room' sign, but before he could he was nearly plowed over by Zim bursting out in a huge frenzy.

Dib's eyes lit up at the sight of his long hunted nemesis. "Zim!" he called. The green one halted and spun around at the sound of his voice. "It's about time I found-"

"Mary Ann!" Zim stuck his hands on his hips and glowered at Dib. "What do you think you're doing out here?"

"Huh!?" To say Dib was completely dumbstruck would be an understatement.

"Well? Answer me Mary Ann!"

If looks could kill, Zim would have croaked on the spot from the one Dib shot him. "Are you completely out of your mind, Zim!? What the heck are you talking about?"

Zim drew his rabbit ears back and approached Dib menacingly. "Do not question me Mary Ann! Now get in that house and get me my gloves!" Zim pointed to the door, and Dib noticed he was missing his usual, black rubber mitts.

"You've finally snapped Zim, you know who I am!" Dib scowled indignantly. "And Mary Ann is a girl's name. If you're going to pretend not to know me, at least do it right."

Zim's fiery red eyes burned a shade darker. "I said get my gloves! You WILL obey me, Mary Ann!"

"But-…"

"NOW!" Zim exploded and shoved Dib through the open door, slamming it shut behind him. The boy shakily composed himself and considered storming back out, but truth be known, Dib was much more freaked out than usual by Zim's insanity, and figured it would just be easier to find what he wanted rather than face his psychotic rage again. And besides… how often did your greatest foe offer you an open invitation to search their secret base?

"Tch, Mary Ann," he mumbled.

Dib set to work searching the living room, and after a few minutes still had turned up nothing. "This is ridiculous," he grumbled. "Running errands for my mortal enemy. And why didn't he just put on his stupid gloves while he was in here, huh? Huh? Huh?"

Dib was looking near the couch when he noticed a can of Poop Cola sitting on the coffee table. He picked it up and popped the top, raising it to his mouth. "Well, I am a little thirsty from all this running around," he excused himself and took a drink. He grimaced as the bitter liquid flowed down his throat (Poop Cola pretty much tastes like it sounds), but it was better than nothing, so after taking a long swig he set the can back down and resumed his search. He was so preoccupied rummaging through a side table drawer that he almost didn't notice his rapid increase in height until his head hit the ceiling.

"Wha-? Oh come on! Not this AGAIN!" he cried. But whether he liked it or not, Dib now found himself growing larger and larger with each second that passed, and before he knew it he was forcibly scrunched up inside the room, most of Zim's furniture completely crushed beneath his expanding body. He frowned and shifted uncomfortably. His neck was bent at a painful angle and his hair was getting tangled in the mass of wires and tubes adorning Zim's ceiling.

"I'm reeeeealy starting to hate this place." Dib narrowed his eyes in irritation and arched his back, trying to adjust to a more comfortable position, the house groaning and creaking against his movement. "I just hope I don't grow any more." Luckily for Dib this request was granted and he grew no bigger, though it didn't matter much by this time. Getting through the door was hopeless and he was already so large he could barely move.

"This is all your fault," he said, glaring at the soda can contemptibly. "And to think, yesterday everything was perfectly normal; I was saving the world from alien invasion, I'd nearly gotten pictures of that vampire gerbil, and I was this close to exposing the lunch ladies as man eating zombies trying to poison us with their ketchup and rice… but now everything's just weird!"

Dib would have moped a little longer, but his thoughts were cut short by the sound of the doorknob turning. Zim stepped inside. "Mary Ann! What is taking you so- AARRGH!" He was violently slammed backwards as Dib shoved his foot up against the door. The stubborn Irken, though taken aback, wasted no time picking himself up and trying again. "Mary Ann! What are you doing in there? Open this door right now!" Zim's voice dripped with venom and he pounded on the door furiously, but Dib effortlessly held it shut. "All right Mary Ann, if that's the way you want it…" Zim's voice trailed off and Dib heard the sound of retreating footsteps.

He breathed a sigh of relief until he heard a clatter at the front of the house. Zim was at the window and had already managed to pull it open halfway. Dib quickly shuffled towards the front of the room, squashing Zim's couch and knocking several pictures off the wall in the process, and shoved his arm through the opening, sending the fur-clad extraterrestrial sailing off the windowsill with a startled yelp. Zim shook his head as he sat up, his eyes bugging out as he got a glimpse of what had hit him.

"YAH! MONSTER! There's a hideous monster in my house! AAAAAAAHHHHH!" Zim ran around the side of the house, screaming hysterically.

Dib chuckled, quite satisfied with how that went, also happy to find that the room was much less cramped minus his arm. He leaned back contentedly, picked up Zim's TV, and flipped through a few channels, deciding to make the most of the situation.

"Keef! KEEF!" Dib suddenly heard Zim shouting outside again. "Get over here!"

Keef? Dib cocked an eyebrow and set down the TV.

"Oh! Hi, Sir!" A green-eyed boy with a puff of orange hair trotted into the yard. "What's up? You want to go to the circus or something? I LOVE the circus! Or maybe the Zoo! We can get some foot long corndogs there. I like corndogs, don't you?" He chattered away excitedly until he noticed Zim's agitated state. "Hey, what's wrong bestest best friend?"

"There's a horrible, hideous doom-beast inside my base!" Zim pointed a shaking finger at Dib's gigantic limb hanging out the window.

"It just looks like an arm to me," Keef said after a thoughtful pause.

"Stupid worm baby!" Zim screamed in a rage. "Have you ever seen an arm that size!?"

"No, but it's still just an arm."

"Grrrr! It's what's attached to the arm!" Zim snarled. "Now get in there and dispose of it!"

Keef turned about four shades paler. "B-but-…"

"Please Keef?" Zim put on a big fake smile and draped his arm over the boy's shoulders, his voice saccharine sweet. "For your bestest best friend?"

"Um… Okay, sure!" Keef chirped, always eager to please.

Zim snickered wickedly. "Very good, now go up on the roof. I have a secret entrance up there that leads to a hollowed out tube in my living room. Once you get inside, snag the monster with this." He handed Keef a butterfly net. "And make sure it doesn't catch you first; I think it already ate Mary Ann."

Zim set a ladder against his fortress and Keef climbed up, butterfly net clutched tightly in hand, and made his way across the roof to where his bestest friend had instructed.

Inside, Dib listened carefully to the redhead's footfalls, trying to judge where the hollow tube was located, not even bothering to burn any brain cells wondering what Keef was doing there in the first place (was there a point trying to figure out anything logically? he thought). The footsteps ceased at one corner of the room and Dib tapped lightly on the metal tubes beneath the spot till he found one that dinged clear, and ripped the end out of its socket. He drew in a deep breath, waited until he heard Keef sliding down, then he blew into it as hard as he could.

"YAAAAHHHH!" Keef shot out the tube like a spit-wad from a straw, arching high through the air and crash landing outside the fence. Zim was not happy about this.

"RRRR!" he growled, tightening his hands into fists. "Miserable incompetent! Can't you do anything- YEARGGH!" The alien skidded to the ground as Dib snuck his hand up and flicked him in the backside. "Blech!" he gagged, spitting out a mouthful of dirt and grass. He tried to stand up, but Dib just knocked him on his face again, laughing out loud. He was finally beginning to enjoy his superior size.

"You know, this wouldn't be so bad if only I weren't stuck in here," he smiled.

Zim picked himself up, shaking with white-hot rage. "That's it filthy blood-monster, you leave me no choice. Keef!"

"Y-yes Sir?" answered the badly mangled boy, stumbling over obediently.

"There's only one thing left to do. We have to blow up the house!"

Dib's smile vanished instantly. "What!?"

"Oh, okay!" Keef peeped eagerly. "How should we do it?"

Zim put a hand to his chin. "Hmm, I think we'll go with the antimatter explosives. Come on!" He motioned for Keef to follow him and began walking away.

Dib listened to the sound of the two leaving and his mind began racing fearfully. "Are they crazy!? They can't blow up the house! I'm still in here!"

He heard Zim outside again. "Set them up over there. No, not there. There! Yes, right there should be good. The monster shouldn't be able to reach us here. Alright, let's start hooking them up."

Frantically, Dib patted his hand around the yard, trying to locate the maniacal little Irken and his orange-haired minion. When this yielded no result, he began pounding his fist against the ground, shouting, "You can't do this! This is insane, it's-!"

Keef could hear Dib's muffled screams coming from inside the house. "Sir?"

"Mmm?"

"The monster's yelling something at us."

"Pay no heed to that blood-beast," Zim ordered fiddling with some switches. "Now hand me that cable."

"-never get away with this! Do you hear me!? You-…!" Dib slammed his fist down a final time in desperation, his glasses magnifying the fear in his eyes. There was no way they were going to listen to him. He had to get out of there, and quick. "There has to be something in here that'll make me small again!" Dib scanned the room for something- anything- that might work and saw a bowl of fruit sitting on a shelf. He snatched it up and popped it in his mouth, then quickly spit it out with a disgusted blech. "Ugh, note to self," he said. "Next time make sure the fruit isn't wax first."

Meanwhile outside, Zim finished hooking up the last wire to the detonation device and grinned evilly at his handiwork. "And now Keef, the time has come to explode this intruding pest!"

"Oh boy!" Keef clapped, bouncing up and down. "After we're done exploding, I'll make us some waffles!"

Zim sighed. "You know, Keef, you already made a ton of waffles this morning," he reminded the hyper child impatiently. "They're festering in the refrigerator as we speak."

Dib had had his face buried in his hands despondently up until this point, prepared to face the Reaper, but when he heard these words he gasped. "Of course! DA WAFFLES!" (Waffles are the answer to all life's problems, aren't they? ^_^)

He leaned on his side and scooted over to the kitchen entrance, reaching inside and feeling around for the fridge. "Hmm, let's see… kitchen table… chair…n'other chair … uh, something moving… garbage can… hey, is this it?… OUCH!… No, that would be the stove… um, don't know what the heck that is… oh, and that definitely doesn't feel right… uhhhhhh… Ah ha! Refrigerator!" he exclaimed triumphantly and yanked open the fridge door, ripping it right off its hinges in his haste. He fished around for a second and pulled out a plate of sticky waffles, then downed them without hesitation.

Back outside, Zim laughed maniacally as he clutched the detonation device. "And now… the countdown! Goodbye filth monster!" He pulled out his pocket watch to time the blast, and his eyes suddenly bugged out in panic. "OH NO! Look at the time! I'm late again!" Zim dropped the detonator and bolted out of the yard in one of his screaming fits as he disappeared from sight.

"No! Wait!" came a tiny voice.

Dib grunted as he squeezed under the front door, having once again shrunk down too small. "Zim! Waaaaiiiit!" He hopped off the front step and sprinted past Keef who just watched him go with an amused giggle; at his size, Dib looked like one of those big-headed nodder-bobbers you stick on your dashboard. After the trench coat clad boy was gone, Keef spotted the detonator on the ground and picked it up, eyeing it with awed curiosity. There was a big, pretty red button on it. Keef liked the color red.

As he was running, Dib thought he heard an explosion and felt the ground shake slightly, but he was too focused on his mission to look back (had he done so he would have noticed a flash of light and a large black mushroom cloud rising over the trees). He could see Zim up ahead through the tall jungle of grass, but he didn't stay in sight for long, and though Dib tried to keep running he soon faltered and collapsed on his knees. There was no way he'd ever catch his enemy while he was so small. And honestly, what would he do even if he did? Considering his unimpressive height, not a whole heck of a lot. He could maybe bite Zim's ankles, but that was about it.

Just as he was thinking he couldn't get much lower, Dib sensed a presence behind him. He whipped around and found a small puppy standing there- but of course to Dib the puppy was the size of an elephant, and he screamed like a little girl and tried to make a run for it. Before he took two steps the puppy leaped over his head and blocked his path, its tail wagging playfully. Dib held his hands over his aching ears as it let out a tremendous bark. He backed away slowly and groped for a stick he spotted on the ground. "N-nice doggy. Good doggy…" he coaxed, waving the stick in front of it. "C'mon, go get the stick! Go get it!" he said, and threw it as hard as he could. The second the dog was distracted, Dib broke into a run, but the next thing he knew he was being followed by pounding footfalls that sounded like a cattle stampede, and a shadow with two floppy ears blocked out the light overhead. "Noooo!" Dib let out a mournful wail as a pair of teeth closed around his torso. "Ack! No! Bad dog! BAD!" he shouted as the puppy trotted off with its prize, and Dib could only imagine in terror what it would do with him.

A few minutes later, a pale hand emerged from the ground, followed by a dirt and doggy drool encrusted Dib as he struggled his way out of the hole he'd just been buried in.

"Ugh," he grimaced and brushed himself off. "I really do hate this place now. And I hate being three inches tall!" he shouted to the sky, hoping for at least a dramatic peal of thunder. When he got none, he sighed in defeat and plopped down next to a large mushroom growing close by. Just as he was wiping away a smear of dog drool from his glasses, he was suddenly startled by a sand-papery voice coming from on top of it.