***ENGLISH IS NOT MY LANGUAGE***
It's been a while, I'm sorry but I hope you like this new chapter. This is the last one "based" on what's happening in the show, from the nex chapter everything will be AU which means my version.
I decided not to say anything about the new season and what is happening, the last time I threw a tantrum and at the end it was in vain, so I'd better wait to see what happens in the show even though I have so many mixed feelings, I just want Teddy to be ok and also Amelia, both are extraordinary women and they don't deserve to suffer I just want to protect them from Shonda and Krista so badly!
End of my rant... Enjoy! :) and please let me know what you think, I wanna know if you're enjoying this, it keeps me motivated, also thanks to my loyal reviewers from the beginning.
It would've been so easy not to mix our destinies
and let the paths continue separated
but maybe you were right and we just had to live…
without fear… without excuses…
TEDDY
As I head to the hospital entrance again I realize that I don't know what to do, I don't have a plan. What am I supposed to do? Go to the ER looking for Owen and say 'Hey, I know that the last time we saw things didn't end well, but guess what? We will be parents in about 6 months' I can't do that, can I? My head again is a disaster, minutes later I realize that I've been wandering around the hospital, people look at me strangely and why they wouldn't do it, a woman lost in her thoughts with two suitcases wandering around the hospital attracts glances in her path.
Think Theodora, think, I say to myself again and again until I stop for a few moments to analyze the situation. I've nowhere to go, I can't live forever in a hotel, I don't have a job and I won't accept the position of attending, not because I consider it a bad thing, but after being the head of MedCom I can't demean myself in that way, I know my value and I know I deserve something better than being just an attending, but who will want to hire a cardiothoracic surgeon for only a few months and then give her maternity leave? God! It seems that after all I can't be so demanding and accept the work they give me, although I've enough money saved to live comfortably a good time I'll have bills to pay, rent and certainly a baby involves many expenses, especially if everything will run on my own, I won't ask Owen for a single cent.
After thinking for a while I decided, first I'll go to Arizona, I need to see her, I need one of her tight hugs that squeeze your bones but at the same time make you feel warm and loved, I need to tell her what is happening, I need one of her wise advices; later I'll go to look for Miranda who hopefully will have something for me and although I'm bothered by the idea of being subordinate I have no other option, and finally I'll go to find Owen, yes, I'll do that until the end although first I've to figure out how I'll do everything without crossing paths with him.
As I walk through the corridors of the hospital I realize that I haven't seen anyone I know, I keep walking until I hear a voice that I know perfectly, Miranda.
"Dr. Bailey, where is everyone? I haven't seen a single person that I know "
Mirada stops abruptly, is accompanied by an intern and in her face I can detect anguish, but at the same time relief to see me.
"Dr. Altman, thank you Jesus! Can you scrub in with me?!"
And there was the cause of her relief, it wasn't so much because of me but because of my skills, for a moment I felt sad that she wasn't happy to see me, but I immediately shook that thought from my head, between the hormones that had had me crazy in the last days making me cry for the most insignificant things and the fatigue of the trip it seemed that I forgot that I was in front of Miranda, the effusive displays of affection are not her specialty.
"Oh, I just got off of a 12-hour flight" I answer trying to get out of the situation, really the last thing I want at the moment is to be I don't know how many hours of standing in a surgery, maybe I should've gone to rest a bit first, my body screams for a rest. Why doesn't she call her head of cardio better? Then I remember that apparently there is no one in the hospital, surely she is among those absent.
"Congratulations, Roy's got your bags".
And before I could object I follow her to the OR and when I least think of it I'm already facing the chest cavity of a woman who apparently fainted just on the day of her daughter's wedding. Miranda tells me about Alex Karev's wedding with this girl that I can't remember her face, but according to Miranda her name is Jo Wilson. Wow, who would say that Alex would settle down and become one of the best pediatric surgeons, if someone had told me that a few years ago I probably would've laughed, but Alex showed me the opposite and that's why I'm proud of him. The conversation continues to flow and I hear about a lot of things, Miranda had a heart attack and apparently is in the middle of an existential crisis. She then asks me what I'm doing here and I feel that it is the right time to finally tell her the motives, or at least one of them, of my return.
"I was gonna ask the chief if she have a job opening". And seeing the expression not on her face, but in her eyes I immediately regret my words. "Or I can just forget I ever asked." I tell her and we don't talk about it again during the whole surgery.
After finishing the surgery and updating the family of the patient about the health of her family member, I go to the attending room, Miranda had the great idea of broadcasting the wedding of my patient's daughter by FaceTime and I couldn't refuse to help her, especially after seeing the way the couple looked at each other, the same way that Owen looked at me the night we conceived our baby, although I soon learned that his look wasn't honest. Before my thoughts took me back to that dark place in my mind I rush to take off the blue scrubs shortly after Miranda comes in, while she finished getting dressing I retouch my makeup and think about what I'll do next. Apparently coming to the hospital was completely in vain, Arizona and Owen are at the wedding and Miranda has nothing for me. What am I going to do now? I can go back tomorrow to look for Owen, or I can go to his house... Although I don't like the idea at all, it is also true that in the privacy of his home we could talk properly and not in a place like the hospital where it takes an intern or a nurse to listen so that the entire hospital knows in minutes. Another thing that had to figure out was my work and housing situation, I could go with Dr. Smith at the Seattle Presbyterian or talk to some contacts maybe in private practice there is something for me. And as for my accommodation, the first thing I'd do when leaving the hospital would be to go to a hotel, take a long hot bath and sleep for hours; Then, with more calmness, I would look for a permanent place to live or who knows, maybe things won't turn out as I hope and I'll have to return to Germany.
Miranda comes out of the bathroom and I feel the need to apologize for putting her in an uncomfortable situation in front of everyone in the OR.
"You were literally a lifesaver, I mean, I couldn't have saved her without you." Miranda tells me again hurried to be ready for the wedding, it is now when I have to apologize.
"Well, I'm grateful I could help ... Listen, I know you already have a cardio head, I'm sorry ... I didn't want to put you in spot in there".
And Miranda begins to talk again about signs, to do something with her life, to seize the time, to listen to her voice and when I least expect it she offers me the position of interim chief of surgery and I'm stunned for a few seconds and all I can say is "Let's keep talking" because before either of us could say anything else, Ben enters the room letting us know that the time had come.
The wedding, despite having been held in the hospital chapel couldn't have been more perfect and emotional and I couldn't stop crying, as practically every day for a few weeks, there was always something that made me cry, when it wasn't the sight of babies, pregnant women or puppies were songs, movies or even street advertising, I was an emotional wreck. Seeing my patient cry when she saw his daughter getting married made me cry even more.
"I'm sorry, it's just... it's so beautiful." I say ashamed for the great fuss I was doing with my crying and she just smiles broadly and offers me her hand.
"Are you expecting?" Her question leaves me frozen for a few tenths of a second, apparently I hadn't realized that during all this time my hand was resting on my belly and I hadn't stopped rubbing it for a single moment reveling my condition. Without hesitation I smile broadly too.
"I am". I answer and then we both laugh.
"Congratulations, a child is the greatest blessing".
"I know... I'm so, so happy".
"You look happy darling, you're glowing, pregnancy is suiting you".
Her words make me emotional and again I begin to cry. "Sorry… I'm sorry". She laughs softly.
Once the wedding is over I give my patient a final check and I say goodbye to Miranda agreeing to see us tomorrow to continue talking about my new job. When I look at the clock I realize that it is almost 4 in the morning and suddenly with seeing the time I feel extremely exhausted; I take my suitcases, I go to the street to take a taxi and I ask the driver to take me to the nearest hotel.
Once installed in my room I get rid of my shoes, I unbutton my jeans and I lie on the bed for a few minutes looking at the ceiling while I wait for the room service to comes with my dinner, I'm too lucky it is 24hrs. I can't stop rubbing my belly gently and I can't wait to feel my baby move, I want it so much, to feel for the first time that feeling that some describe as bubbles, others as a little fish, no matter what, I want to feel it already. Minutes later my dinner arrives and in minutes I devour everything, I hadn't realized how hungry I was and luckily this time my little one apparently agreed with my decision to eat since my stomach managed to keep everything. Before I fall asleep the little willpower that still remains in my body makes me get up to take a shower and oh God it feels so good, the hot water on my head, on my back relaxing each and every one of my muscles that until a few moments ago were tense and sore. I fall deeply asleep as soon as my head makes contact with the pillow... I've something very important to do first thing in the morning.
The next morning, like every morning for the past weeks nausea wakes me up and even half asleep I run to the bathroom to kneel in front of the toilet.
"Will you stop one day or will this be until you are born?" I say rubbing my belly.
After getting ready I go back to the street in search of a taxi and again the nerves don't let me think clearly, I had decided to tell Owen everything in the privacy of his house, where we could talk in peace and without interruptions, however, I still don't know what exactly I'll say, the last time we saw each other it ended so bad. How will I appear now with a smile on my face to tell him that I'm pregnant?
On the way to Owen's house I take out my cell phone and open the front camera.
"So... here we go again, I'm on my way to daddy's home to tell him everything... I know I told you I hoped for him to love you as much as I already do… but I'm sure he will, your daddy has a huge heart and... He's gonna love you!" I shriek and once again I'm victim of the curious and puzzled look of the taxi driver, but once again I don't care.
Once I'm in front of Owen's house my heart starts beating hard, my hands sweat and in my lips plays a smile... I straighten my back and knock at the door, to my surprise again things are not as I expected…
I turn around and my legs tremble with each step I take, I don't know for how long they will stand me, if before my heart was already pounding fast now I could feel it against my ribs, I feel extremely nauseous, the pressure in my head and my ears don't let me assimilate one hundred percent what I just witnessed... Owen and Amelia, asleep, a baby... I don't understand anything, but what I do know is that I've arrived too late or, rather, it was never my moment and now...
The events of the following hours occur as in a dream, as my life has been in recent months... Miranda, Owen, Amelia, Leo, Maggie Pierce, blood clot... a dream, although sometimes I think it's a nightmare. From the moment I opened the door of my house and Owen was standing on the other side everything had been a rollercoaster of events... a dream... a nightmare. No, I corrected myself, maybe everything else was a nightmare, but never my baby, my little bubble has been the best thing that has happened to me in my life, regardless of how it was conceived.
I return to the hotel feeling completely defeated, destroyed, humiliated. I let myself drop on the bed and I cry so hard that soon my chest starts to hurt. But not only my chest, but also my soul, my whole being hurts and I just want this pain to disappear, melt with the air and evaporate to disappear and never again feel what I'm feeling. Again I'm devastated crying because of Owen and suddenly I feel so alone, although I know I'm not, but my baby is not much comfort at the moment, I need someone to hug me, to hold me, to hold complete and united these pieces of my soul that disarm little by little with each tear I'm shedding.
A thousand ideas go through my head about what I should do, I can't flight now, which means that I'll probably have to stay in Seattle for a couple of months or even until my baby is born. Even in the midst of my pain I take the time to take my medication and elevate my legs against the headboard of the bed, while still shedding tears and thinking, planning... What am I going to do now?
Until yesterday night I had my life practically planned; I would tell Owen everything, I would work as Interim Chief, I would enjoy my pregnancy... I would share it with Owen. And now? Again my plans and my life fall apart little by little and I can't do anything to stop it. My head spins and the tears keep rolling down my temples reaching to wet my hair until I can't fight it anymore and the sleep wraps me and I let myself go hoping that with it my heart stops hurting... tomorrow will be another day, a new day…
A/N I've so many ideas about where to take this story that my head probably will explode! I hope you enjoyed :)