Disclaimer: Don't own or claim rights to Buffy

Xander tensed when he heard Angel's roar from the bedroom. He knew the vampire was severely pissed, but that sounded very bad. He wasn't even sure what set him off. They had been talking about, what? His life. His plain, ordinary life. He'd made a comment that Angel had pounced on, about Tony and Angel both being psychotic, which they weren't, really, but Angel seemed to have taken it the wrong way. And then there were questions about Tony, and it wasn't like Tony ever hit him anymore, or anything like that. And he never hit Mom, just shouted at her, and threw stuff around, and stuff. But Xander had been a boy, and had to be tough and stuff, which he never was, and so, well, yeah.

Angel was pissed that Tony hit him? Vampires were possessive and all, so maybe he was just mad that someone touched something that was his. Xander sighed. And he wasn't even a proper dhampyr, what with the weakness, and the slowness. Just how bad was this going to be?

When Angel finally left the bedroom, he found Xander slumped on the couch, picking at the strap on his bookbag. Xander looked up, apprehensive, but didn't speak, noticing that Angel's eyes still flashed gold intermittently.

Angel took in his son's tense sudden tension, and realised that he needed to say something. "I'm not mad at you," he soothed. "Just thought you should know that."

Xander ducked his head and hunched his shoulders. "I don't know why not," he mumbled. "It's not like I'm a real dhampyr. God! I must be a real disappointment."

Angel threw himself down beside his son. "Not a disappointment. A pain in the ass, maybe, but not a disappointment. And, anyway, I have a theory about your powers."

"You do?"

"Harris has been beating you since childhood, hasn't he?"

"Uh, yeah. I can't remember a time when he didn't."

Angel nodded. "Your strength and speed should have been apparent as a child," Angel went on. "What I think happened is that your father started beating you early, and so he trained you, or you trained yourself, to be normal to avoid attention. You do that a lot, don't you? Deflect attention?"

"Well, yeah. So... What now?"

"Now," Angel grinned, "I get to train my son."

"Crap," Xander whispered.

For the second day in a row, Xander was distracted at school, but this time had added moping to his crimes. Buffy and Willow had attempted to cheer him up during lunch, but he would simply look at Buffy, shudder, and say no more. When the school day was finally over, they assembled again at the library for homework and chatting.

Giles watched the three children enter the library, and caught Xander's eye. "How did yesterday go?" he asked quietly, once he had the boy to himself.

Xander shuddered, and glared at the librarian balefully. "He wants to train me."

"So he has, uh, accepted you?"

"Oh, yeah. There was a whole sniff test thing, and then he went right off. Um. He thinks that, ah, Tony, my, um, step-father, is the reason why I'm not all … you know."

"Really? Why is that?"

"Because he, um, beatmesinceIwasachild," Xander mumbled.

Giles sighed. "You know, you really should just say it once, properly, so that you don't have to repeat yourself like you do now."

"He beat me, okay?" Xander hissed. "Often. Regularly, even, since I was little. I don't remember a time when he didn't beat me. The ER nurses all know me, and have for as long as I remember. I've practically got a frequent users card, in case you hadn't noticed. Or do you think it's normal for nurses to know your name and have your file ready as soon as you walk in the door?" he asked, annoyed suddenly that no one had noticed that level of familiarity.

"I … I just assumed, I'm afraid, that they were, well, neighbours," Giles offered, blushing faintly.

"Yeah, well..." Xander took a breath. "Anyway, so Angel thinks that I just hid my strength, and all that, so that Tony didn't beat on me even more. 'Cause, you know, the nail that stick out, and all that."

"So he wants to train you."

Xander rolled his eyes. "Yep. Dear old Dad wants to bond, or something. Make up for lost time."

"Bond, hey?" Giles asked, lips twitching.

"Oh, god," Xander groaned. "Next there will be bowling with Dad, and Parent-Teacher night, and how am I going to explain that one, huh?" he demanded.

Giles snickered at the thought. "Although, I think it would get Principal Snyder off your back if Angel were to growl at him for you."

"Huh. What do you know? An actual bright point to all of this. Apart from the slightly-less-psychotic-though-not-human replacement father."

"Talking about your father, Xander?" Buffy asked as she walked up to them.

"Oh, ah, hey, Buffy. Yeah. My, um, dad. Hey, how about that trig homework?" he offered weakly.

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "What are you hiding, Xander Harris?"

Xander glanced at Giles, but he knew there was no help coming from that direction. The older man was enjoying Xander's downfall way too much. "Uh, well, as it turns out, I'm not so much a Harris as a... Huh. No idea," he finished, thoughtfully.

"What?" Willow squeaked from the table. "What was that about not being a Harris?"

"Well," the boy began with forced cheerfulness, "as it turns out, Mom was pregnant when she met Tony, but he thinks I'm his kid, 'cause she said I was premature when I wasn't but he didn't know enough to know I was a normal weight and all that. Of course, I only know that 'cause Mom saw me talking to my real dad, and thought that he had found out about me, and all that, when really he just happened to know me, and was talking to me about something totally unrelated, but Mom didn't know that, and so she just up and told me that, uh, he's my dad."

"So you already know your dad?" Willow asked excitedly. "That's so cool! Who is he? Is he someone we know? Do you like him? Is he cool? Does he know he's your dad? Come on, Xander, interested people want to know," she pouted.

"And if I could get a word in edgewise, I would," Xander countered. He sighed. "Okay. Yes, you know him, and you like him, and you think he's cool. He knows, and I think he's actually happy to have a son, which is so very weird." Xander stopped at that point, and chewed his lip, wondering how to go on. This was not going to go well. He took a breath to make his big statement, when he saw Angel walking through from the back of the library. "Oh, god," he groaned.

"Xander," Angel greeted as he strode forward.

"Angel," Xander smiled weakly.

"'Angel'?" Buffy asked, doubtfully. "Since when are you calling him 'Angel'?"

"I dare say since he realised that 'Deadboy' was not the most appropriate name under the circumstances," Giles grinned.

"You are enjoying this way too much," Xander accused the Watcher.

"Oh, the effects of hubris are wonderful to watch," Giles agreed.

"Damn British tweed-people," he muttered under his breath. Then, deciding on the 'rip-the-bandaid-off' method, he called out, "Hey, Dad."

The amount of fuss caused by two little words, Xander decided, was beyond belief. That's it. Just two words. And one of them was a simple greeting, something he'd used on Dead-, uh better not even use that term in his head... Something he'd used on Angel any number of times. And 'dad'. Everyone used that word. It was, like, one of the most common words, or something. No need to make a fuss, no siree. The fact that he had called Angel 'dad' – what of it? So he was calling his number-one, most-hated vamp 'dad', who were they to fuss? If Angel was comfortable, and, judging by the stupid look on his stupid face, he was more than comfortable, then Buffy was the least person to scream, shout, and overall throw a tantrum. Not that he would say that aloud. He was already in enough trouble as it was.

"Yes, Buffy, for the lost-count-eth time, Angel is my father. I am Luke, and he is Darth Vader. Only he didn't chop my arm off first. Not that I want him to do that, but, well, there you go."

"But, no!" Buffy wailed. "You can't be his son. How can you be his son?"

"Oh, dear Lord," Giles muttered. "When a male and a female have sex at the appropriate time of the female's cycle, the female conceives a child. In this case, the male was Angel, the female was Jessica Harris, née LaVelle, and the resultant child was Xander. Is that clear enough for you?"

"God, Giles, could you never say anything like that ever again?" Xander requested in a tone of deep loathing. "I prefer not to think about that at all, okay? I just appeared, and I just happened to inherit some DNA from Angel. That's it."

"But, Angel," Buffy whined, "how could you? You said you didn't have any children."

Angel sighed, and pondered the table surface longingly. "I told you the other day that I have had sex with women since being cursed, and I clearly recall Jess LaVelle. She was very pretty, but nothing like you. And I knew her at the right time to make me Xander's father. And what I actually said was that I didn't know of any children. There could be others," he added, with a sideways look at Xander. "Xander could have half-siblings out there. He already has some, of a sort."

"I do?" Xander asked, surprised.

"Certainly. I even introduced you to your nephew," Angel smirked.

Xander stared at his father, horrified. "Oh. God. No."

Giles' eyes widened, and he burst out laughing.

"What?" Buffy asked. "Who?"

Xander approached the little blonde cautiously. He shifted his bookbag nervously, and chewed his lip. "So, uh, Buffy... How's things?"

His friend glared at him. "I can't believe you're … related."

"But you're, um, okay?"

Buffy continued to glare at him. "I think I've screamed enough for a few days, don't you think?"

"Er... Yes?"

Buffy sighed, and started walking. Xander fell in beside her, and was relieved when she didn't try to scare him away. "So... how okay are you about this?"

"I'm not sure. You're my boyfriend's son, for crying out loud. I mean, could my life get any … no, not finishing that sentence."

"Hey, you're not the one related to the Scourge of Europe," Xander pointed out. "I am still quietly freaking out about that one, even more than the whole 'Angel is my father' thing. Though, upside, Tony Harris isn't." Xander smiled beatifically at that thought.

"So how is that, Angel being your dad?"

Xander shuddered. "See, that's the thing. He actually wants to be my father. I mean, for real and actual."

"Are you going to change your name?" she asked, turning to him.

"Uh... Don't know? It's not like I have any incredible desire to be a Harris, not when I know I'm not his son. But if I don't use Harris, then what do I call myself? Xander Angel? Isn't that a bit, I don't know, girly?"

"Are you saying my boyfriend has a girly name?"

"He's my father," Xander argued. "I think I should be more worried about my father's name being girly and you about your boyfriend's name. After all, you can break up with a boyfriend. You can only get rid of your dad when you find out your mom was actually pregnant to someone else when she married who you thought was your dad. Hey! That sounds familiar!" Xander chirped.

"I'll hit you," the blonde warned.

"Oh, and have you thought about what happens if you happen to, God forbid, marry Angel?"

"Uh, I become Mrs Angel?"

"You become my step-mother."

Buffy stopped still and gaped at her friend.