Chapter 4: Asagao or Shiragiku, Part 1
There's something in this world that Shinichi stands by, that he breaks, and that he keeps. He holds them close, and tries to fulfill them; he tries to remember them, and then he forgets. He tries, he really tries, to uphold them, and yet, they slip by, and it seems as if they never belonged to him. It's like reaching out to grab mist with his bare hands, clutching at the wisps of fog desperately…only to have the hazy vapor escape on the tips of his fingers.Promises, that's what. Promises help him look forward and move forward, to stay in his situation without becoming insane, to have a meaning to his life, to have a purpose to exist. Like a beacon of light, they guide him towards the answers of his questions, towards the goal of his struggles. Promises…can break him. They can torment him, reminding him that he can't, he couldn't, keep to his own word, taunting him of his disloyalty and dishonesty.
No matter how much he tries, he knows that he must let go of them, someday. There always, always is an incomplete promise in the world, perhaps made to another person, perhaps made to oneself, perhaps made to both. That was the thing about humans – they weren't perfect. Some ideals can never to be accomplished, and that was the bitter truth.
Truth…ha, how ironic…
He believed in one truth, the only one truth that prevailed and won, only one truth that could be revealed, and the one truth that was right. But…what if that was wrong? He shouldn't have been the one to choose judgment…what gave him that right? It seemed…so blunt. There was more - there was more than words, than just sentences, than just paragraphs, of the truth. Wasn't there feelings and emotions? Wasn't there more than one way of describing something, wasn't there more to 'one truth'?
Maybe he could understand the motive, maybe he could understand their drive…but he only looked at it in a scientific and analytical view. He would think no more of the suffering, of the pain, of the psychology…well, he would a little, but he treated them as a test subject to study.
But how would he feel if he was in there situation? But Shinichi…he couldn't understand why a murderer would kill, he couldn't feel their emotions. He could sympathize with the murderer, sometimes, in tragic cases…but…why didn't he feel human?
They were wrong, he was sure. They shouldn't kill; they shouldn't take a life, because that would solve nothing. Bloodshed was never the answer, and led to more tragedy. What were the other answers, then? Was there not one truth, but many?
Did he see the world too literally? Did he not look deep enough into everything, past the solid shades of black and white, past science and deduction, to observe the shades of gray? Did he reach high enough to comprehend human sensations?
Well, if he knew the answers, he had forgotten them, or had never known…if only there was somebody right beside him, who he could confide in, somebody precious and important. If somebody like that did exist for him, then he would try and stay by their side forever. And so he made a new promise to himself, swearing that he would never break it, even if it killed him.
In his sleep, Edogawa Conan stirred silently. "Kid…" he murmured. "Kid…"
A single tear trickled down from the boy's eyes, wetting and damping dark lashes. A quiet whimper escaped the child's mouth, making him, for once, sound like frightened, lost seven-year old. It was a heart wrenching, captivating sight – to see someone who never cried, to finally do, at least for once……and a sudden impulse beckoned Kaito to tilt the boy's head to slant toward his own…bending his head down to silently pass his lips across the closed eye, kissing away the single teardrop…
For a second, the eye fluttered open, glassy light blue, and glazed with weariness. But it soon closed, deciding that that it was all just a dream…
Shinichi's nightmares took a happier turn.
-o-o-o-o-o-o-
"Ku-Conan-kun, wake up!" a loud voice yelled, shaking the child's body back and forth rigorously, with a little more than necessary force. "It's me, Hattori."
"Wha-?" the boy mumbled, slowly awaking. "Hattori…?" Gradually, his fatigued sense cleared, plunging him back to his usual sense of awareness.
Soon, he could make out a large room, with many tables and chairs around. Some tables were cluttered with paperwork and files, with officers hovering over them, lounging around in the chairs. Nearby, he recognized Nakamori and Kaitou Kid's investigation squad, keeping a close eye on him, and at the same time, trying to reassure a panicking Suzuki-san.
"Kid took the jewel…will you be able to recover it? What! You have to wait until he returns it?" Conan caught snatches of the conversation, alternating between Suzuki's vexed tone as the man wiped his sweaty brow with a soggy handkerchief, and Nakamori's we'll-catch-that-bastard-next-time one.
Looking down, he realized he was comfortably reclined on a bench, covered with a blanket. Detecting a certain odor in the air, the detective noted that the thief had most likely gassed the entire room, putting everybody to sleep before dropping the child off. Hattori and Hakuba Saguru were seated in chairs next to him, waiting for his full account of the events which had occurred with an expectant air.
The blond detective started speaking first, wanting answers at once. "Edogawa-kun, can you please recount your experiences with Kid? You have been missing from last evening to this morning, and we have been quite concerned about your welfare."
"Yeah," the Osakan detective pitched in curiously, "the note that he left fer us said that you were hurt. What exactly happened?" The dark skinned man scratched his head, and re-adjusted his hat uncomfortably. It had been hell – not only had he worked for many long hours, the person he had to work with was Hakuba!
Uneasy, Conan shuddered under Hakuba's searching stares. The half-Brit would probably sense there was something wrong about him if he displayed too much intelligence…but how should he act? He definitely didn't want Hakuba, or anyone else, for that matter, to discover his true identity. But how could he explain the fact that he solved a heist note that nobody but himself and Kid knew the answer to? And Hakuba would be smart enough to catch him if he lied.
…solution: try and fake his way through everything. Hopefully the blond would buy it, even though he wouldn't bet on it. Just pretend to be a child genius, he chided himself, don't act like a teenager.
Taking a deep breath, the bespectacled boy started, "I saw the heist note from Oji-san. It took me awhile to solve it, but soon enough, I decoded the riddle. The message was: On March 3rd, coming from the north-east direction at 4:00 P.M., Kaitou Kid would come to try and steal the Sea Sapphire."
Quietly, Hakuba began to nod. "I see. That makes sense. Go on." Hattori shot Conan a confused glance, about to say something definitely starting with 'Kudou', but was silenced by the child's harsh frown, directed solely at him.
"I wanted to catch Kid myself," Conan confessed, although clearly not looking guilty enough. It was his choice, and he was capable of making his own decisions. "So I decided to not tell anyone else. The police usually got in the way - causing a lot of ruckus, and that made it easier for Kid to steal his target, and escape. I found a map of the vicinity, and after studying it carefully, I pinpointed where Kid could fly from. Narrowing it down from a location north-east, I located an ideal spot – a place where it was dark, it was isolated, and easy to access.
"I was lucky – I didn't have to walk too far until I finally found him. But the problem was, the sun was setting, and it was getting dark. I wasn't able to see so well, or exactly where I was going so…" The boy paused, hesitating indecisively. "There were a lot of rocks, and I guess I must've tripped or something into the ocean, because the next thing I knew, I couldn't breathe. And then I blacked out."
Hattori let out a sharp intake of breath. "So that thief musta gotten you out of the water." Geez, now Kudou owed the man – the thief had saved his life! But that was just like Kaitou Kid – he didn't want anyone to get hurt, even if he did act annoying. Hakuba only watched the boy attentively, taking in every word.
Conan's cheeks flared and reddened for a brief moment, before he muttered, "He gave me CPR. And we talked for a little while, and I fell asleep. Then I woke up here." There were some sections of their discussion that had to be avoided – mainly about the flash-drive, and his warnings made towards the thief to not involve himself with Conan. But some of it seemed private…like the way Kaitou Kid was so protective of him that it was definitely abnormal… and then…there was that other thing, of course…The color rose to his face before he was able to force in to die down.
Hakuba narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Oh? You talked to him?" He raised an eyebrow inquisitively, looking pointedly at the fidgeting child.
Conan's brain scrambled desperately, trying to clutch at any excuse available. "It was just the usual," he babbled. "He was lecturing me for doing something dangerous, and teasing me, too."
The half-Brit continued to eye him impassively. Something didn't seem right…that wasn't the entire story. The boy was hiding something. Hattori tilted his head sideways at Conan, his expression saying, 'Tell me what happened later, Kudou.' Conan met the Osakan's gaze, and inclined his head a fraction in response.
…none of them were fools, much to Shinichi's extreme irritation. Mine as well tell Hattori about the flash-drive – it had to do about the Black Organization, and the APTX 4869. Although the dark-skinned man could be quite annoying, he was a friend of sorts. But great…just great…Hakuba was a persistent idiot. It would be impossible to shake off the blonde's relentless accusations. Shinichi at least agreed with Kid about that.
Why did this world have to be full of detective/thief/scientist geniuses? And why did they always manage to find a way to drive him mad?
"Is that all?" Hakuba questioned skeptically. Shinichi could sense the man's intention of trying to urge him into telling the truth. Like he would tell Hakuba about everything that happened to him…although he wouldn't mind too much – for once, the half-Brit could live a perilous, difficult life, getting involved with things he couldn't handle…no, that was too cruel, no matter how tempting it seemed.
A police officer walked by, allowing Conan to catch a whiff of coffee contained in the man's mug. His empty stomach grumbled, and he realized that he hadn't eaten or drank for quite an amount of time. With a ravenous stare, he looked up at the two teenagers and piped up, "Saguru-niisan, Heiji-niisan, I'm hungry."
At least that would stall him for time, and he could explain the previous circumstances to Hattori. Perhaps he would eventually come up with a convincing excuse to use on Hakuba, although he severely doubted it.
Soon enough, a purchase of onigiri was made at a close convenience store, and the food was delivered dully to the boy, of which he devoured voraciously, sticky grains of rice sticking to the corners of his mouth. (At first, the officers wanted to offer him the food prepared at the station cafeteria. Knowing all too well the quality cafeteria cooking offered, Hattori managed to persuade them to get the child something else. And this made Conan profoundly grateful.)
Hattori and Conan slid over to a far-off table, so they could be by themselves, to talk in private. "Kudou, what happened with Kaitou Kid?"
After a couple of mouthfuls of onigiri, and a swallow, Conan explained, "Last time we met, he gave me a flash-drive. It contained the APTX 4869 formula. He doesn't know anything about the Black Organization or me though," he said quickly, in response to the teenager's livid, but quizzical expression.
"Didja get that scientist...um, Miyano-san, right?" The child nodded. "Didja get her to work on the cure?"
"Yeah, Haibara said for a little more than a month or so, and it might be finished. But if I return to my original body, I'll have to go into hiding. I hate to admit it," Conan sighed, "but she's got a point. It's easier to hide as a child than as Kudou Shinichi. I really want to be seventeen, though," he muttered wistfully, balling up the discarded onigiri plastic wrappings. It was so different, so odd, to act as seven.
"Anythin' else?" Hattori queried. Geez, he thought, poor guy. He hadta deal with a whole bunch of cases, meanin' dartin' Mouri on a daily basis. And o'course, Kudou liked Nee-chan a lot.
"Kid's getting suspicious of me," Conan warned quietly. "He knows I'm hiding something. I'm sure he's noticed it, more than Hakuba has."
At the single mention of the half-Brit's name, Hattori flared up. "Jes ignore that idiot! Don't let 'im get to you. He's such a smug, stupid bastard, calling me 'hot-blooded' an' all." Under his breath, the teenager began launching out a stream of insults and curses.
Silently, Shinichi sweat dropped. Didn't Hattori's outburst prove the blonde's point? At least with Hattori defending him, he would have an easier time fending off any of Hakuba's accusations.
Speak of the devil, the detective was approaching them, expecting immediate answers. "Edogawa-kun, did you enjoy your meal?" the man asked politely, seating himself in a chair adjacent to the pair.
"Sure," Conan answered, knowing full well what was coming next – an interrogation, which was to be masked as simple conversation and questions. With careful aim, he tossed the onigiri wrappers into a nearby wastebasket, satisfied when it thudded softly downwards. Deciding to not beat around the bush any longer he said, tone innocent, "You want to ask me more about what happened, Saguru-niichan?"
Getting straight to the point, Hakuba said calmly, "I have reasons to doubt your version of what happened. I believe you may be withholding something pertaining of sufficient importance to the police. It would be easy if you comply with my request."
Angrily, Hattori thundered, "Are you threatening him? Hakuba, you-"
"'Whatever, in connection with my professional service, or not in connection with it, I see or hear, in the life of men, which ought not to be spoken of abroad, I will not divulge, as reckoning that all such should be kept secret,'" Conan quoted quietly in English, eyes hidden behind the thick lenses of his glasses.
The half-Brit's eyes widened, as he recognized a section of the Hippocratic Oath being recited by the so-called child. "The truth," he reminded the boy firmly, trying to keep his voice even. "Edogawa-kun, you are a witness, therefore, you must present the evidence."
Sherlock Holmes himself had said, after all, 'Data! Data! Data! I can't make bricks without clay!' Shinichi pitied Hakuba to a certain extent – how would he feel if he was presented with a witness who refused to testify? Pretty damn frustrated, especially if the witness may have encountered essential proofs.
But he still kept his mouth shut.
With an all-too-familiar grin, Conan smirked, blue eyes flashing, "You are a detective, ne, tantei-san? It's your job to figure out the truth."
At the comical sight of the blonde's infuriated glower, Hattori choked back a guffaw.
-o-o-o-o-o-It was a cinch to make everybody but Hakuba believe that Edogawa Conan was just an innocent child, and a little-smarter-than-average detective.
Ran and Kazuha rushed to the police station after receiving a call from the inspector, exceedingly upset and relieved. A grumpy Mouri Kogoro drudged listlessly behind them, obviously forced to come.
The pungent scent of cigarette smoke swirled in the air as the middle-aged detective breathed in its toxic fumes, before his daughter snatched it out of his hands.
Outraged, Ran exclaimed, "'Tou-san, don't smoke! Conan-kun is still recovering, and he wouldn't like that disgusting smell." Besides them, Nakamori hastily put out his own cigar, pocketing it before the dark-haired girl noticed him. ("Just like my daughter," the inspector grumbled under his breath.)
The gruff inspector directed the group to a table where Hakuba, Hattori, and Conan occupied, deep in the midst of their own debate. They didn't notice the newcomers staring at them.
"Jes shut up already, Hakuba!" Hattori was yelling, green eyes blazing.
It was one of those rare times when you could tell the half-Brit was furious. He wasn't raising his voice many decibels, but there was a snarl rumbling low in his throat, and he was bristling. "No, you listen to me, Hattori-kun…! You are in cohorts with this boy here, and you are encouraging him to be silent on important police matters!"
"He is not encouraging me!" Conan interrupted. "It's my choice!" Suddenly, he became aware of the Ran's, Kazuha's, Kogoro's, and Nakamori's presence, causing him to calm down abruptly.
"What's going on here?" Nakamori demanded bad-temperedly, glaring at each and every one of the detectives. "Well?" There was silence for a minute, as the three high school students registered the question in their brains.
Taking the initiative, the seven-year old child said, attitude falsely immature, "Saguru-niisan is calling me and Heiji-niisan liars! I told him all I knew, but he's being really mean, and keeps on insisting me to tell him more!" The boy pouted childishly. There was a satisfied twinkle in his eye – he knew he had won over his audience.
Blinking, Hattori rasped hoarsely, "Y-yeah. This bastard f-" He fixed his language rapidly as he received a glare from his childhood friend, "-this idiot thinks that Ku-Conan-kun isn't tellin' him everythin' 'bout what happened. Poor brat, he almost died, and Hakuba's still raggin' at him."
…it was enough to immediately sway over Kazuha's and Ran's sympathies.
"You should be ashamed o' yerself!" the Osakan girl reprimanded, whipping around to face the blonde haired man. "Heiji's right – you shouldn't pick on somebody who's weaker than you! Aren't ya a detective?"
Stuttering, Hakuba only gaped. But…but this wasn't right! Why were they looking at him as the one at fault, as the one to blame? It didn't make any sense…neither did Conan's sudden outlook change, either. Why did the child act as an adult for one time, and a mere boy the next? He had a nagging, prickling feeling that there was more to Conan than being a genius seven-year old, definitely more than that. What kind of child was able to recite the Hippocratic Oath by heart, anyways? Many adults didn't even know it…!
"But-but you don't understand," Hakuba stammered, cringing as Ran loomed dangerously in front of him. "Edogawa-kun explicitly hinted the fact that he had a secret!"
"No, I didn't. Why would you say that, Saguru-niisan? I didn't say that, right, Heiji-niisan?" Hattori confirmed the boy's statement, with a nod and a smug beam.
Ran gave Conan a compassionate gaze, sliding over to a chair next to him. Still looking outraged, she smiled sweetly at Conan. "I'm so sorry for Hakuba-san's rudeness, Conan-kun. And I'm sorry I couldn't do anything when you got injured," the dark haired girl apologized, blue-grey eyes gleaming up at him. She reached out to give him a caring hug, a hand reaching out to ruffle his hair fondly. Poor Conan-kun had almost died.
Without thinking, Conan shook off Ran's arms pushing her away, wriggling out of her embrace. For a second, he felt guilty, observing her pained look as he refused to let her touch him. But…
This didn't feel right. It didn't feel right at all. Ran wasn't the person he wanted by his side. Ran wasn't the person he wanted to comfort him when he felt down, not the person to cling close to him, sharing his pain.He didn't know why he didn't want Ran. He didn't know the reason behind it. But…but…it just didn't feel right. He wanted someone else to touch him, to talk to him, to be near him, to protect him…but who? He knew he had been drifting away from Ran, he knew he was getting farther from her…but to blatantly, outright push her away?
He had changed. Shinichi had changed so much that he couldn't recognize himself. He could look in a mirror and see Edogawa Conan, and then Kudou Shinichi…and then the images blurred and blended, mixing and mingling, assimilating into a completely different person. It was hard, so hard to distinguish the person who stood here now, who lived instead of died, who existed instead of departed, who waited and changed, and hurt.
It wasn't like he didn't want anything to do with Ran anymore – she was still his best friend. That would mean breaking a promise, which he detested. Hadn't he promised to come back to her side, when she waited for him? Hadn't he promised to himself to make her happy, to love her with all his might…? Whenever she smiled so happily, so innocently at him, it broke his heart. He didn't want to lie to her any more, but the truth would hurt her. He…he didn't want to tell her everything, only to say after that he didn't love her more that a friend…
But he wanted, wanted so damn badly, someone else…he could see brief flashes of them lingering in his mind, but he couldn't grasp exactly who…someone who was so challenging that it drove him on the brink of madness, someone fascinating and captivating…someone so gentle, with a bright smile and merry eyes…someone who seemed to understand…
…he was waiting for that someone else to come - for only they seemed to be the one who could make him truly happy. But if only they would come…If only they would come.