Chapter Four: Legilimens
Rae woke in her bed and blinked. Her body wouldn't move. She thrashed her head from side to side, until she finally had the sense to lift it a little and see the blankets. The piled, five high, on top of her small form and held her firmly in place. Mildred fussed over rearranging Rae's belongings in the small dresser the two of them shared. She was determined that Rae wouldn't wake up in a dirty environment. As soon as she saw Rae awake, Mildred ran over and hugged her. Rae could tell she nearly whooped at the sight of her eyes open. Rae blinked a couple more times. She couldn't quite place her finger on what the problem was, but everything seemed a little too familiar.
"Don't you ever do that again," Mildred said, without any real disapproval in her tone.
"Do what?"
"Dive into the freezing ocean, that's what!" Mildred shot her a look to alert her of the Head standing over her other side.
"You had quite a spill, deary. Why would you go into the ocean?" The headmistress's voice sounded like the personification of honey poured into a drum of toxic waste and fly larvae.
"I remembered my brother loved the ocean, and my parents sent me a letter telling me he was ill. I thought if I wished really hard while I was in the ocean, he'd get better." Rae tried not to blink too many times. She could hear Qimat's breathing calm next to her; she passed the first lie. The others would hopefully be easier.
The Head's face broke into a large, falsified smile. Rae couldn't help but notice that her teeth seemed just a little too pointed to be normal. "That's a very kind thought, dear. Next time we'll try something a bit safer, shall we? I'll help you write your parents if you'd like."
"No thank you, Ma'am. I don't think my parents would appreciate a letter from me at present. But thank you." Rae showed the Head all of her teeth in what she hoped was a smile. If it hadn't been, the Head gave no indication. She simply patted Rae on the head and smiled in what Rae thought was the most menacing smile known to mankind. Rae tried not to flinch as the woman touched her, but her fingers felt like icicles dripping down the back of her shirt. She shook her head slightly to clear it.
Overdramatizing this woman would help no one.
Apparently, the Head believed her and left.
Rae could hardly contain her exasperation. As soon as the worn door closed behind the Head, Rae listened for the scuffling sound of footfalls. She couldn't hear them. Perhaps the witch still waited outside, but Rae hadn't the patience to care. She slapped her hands down onto the bedsheet. "What's going on?" Rae demanded, her voice commanding and more than a little angry.
"You organized a rally. One of the professors put you under the Cruciatus curse, and you passed out." Mildred was extremely blunt, perhaps too blunt. Rae's mouth opened in a silent o of shock. Mildred could almost see the waves of confusion pouring off her small bod. They rippled in the air and one by one plinked Mildred in the forehead. "Anyway, sorry about the stupid sheets and whatnot. You're supposed to be really sick with hypothermia-induced influenza right now. I thought you might want a rest before someone else used an Unforgivable on you. You've been slipping between semi-conscious and sleeping states for the last week. Today's the first day you actually figured out that I was in the room. Great timing on the Head's part." Mildred spat her last words.
"What?" Rae gasped. She couldn't be sure if Mildred's words were sarcastic, but they sounded sincere enough.
"And I don't remember any of the last I don't know how long because?"
Three months, and it was because the Head placed a pretty strong oblivious charm on you. That's why she started talking about the ocean; she was attempting to force your brain to rationalize that the past three months were a foggy dream, and that you had just come out of the ocean from that stupid stunt you did a while back. I don't know how she thought you'd fall for it, especially since the rest of us know what happened. To be honest, I don't know how she thought the influenza thing would work either. I mean, you don't look well, so it's plausible in that respect." Rae glared at her "What? You don't look well. I'm just stating the facts here. Anyway, she didn't put the curse on any of us. She thought seeing you pass out was a powerful enough message. It was for a lot of people, though not in the way she wanted."
"Wait," Rae paused to rub her temples. She knew she had forgotten something, Midlred had said as much. It stood on the end of a precipice, right at the tip of her tongue. She could almost grasp it, but every time she reached, an elastic band pulled her mind back to the start. Her face reddened from the effort. "What kind of rally did I organize to deserve that anyway?"
"Well, I think any kind of rally would get the same response, simply because you're a Slytherin and you're therefore supposed to shut up and follow orders, but this one was particularly rebellious." Mildred launched into Rae's plan with the dungbombs, the dinnertime protests, and the promise that Slytherin House would change for the better if they succeeded. Rae stared at her older, larger friend and tried to calculate exactly how insane she must have been to come up with such an idiotic scheme. Qimat poked his head out from underneath the pillow, and laughed at all the right moments in Mildred's story. At the end of her story, Mildred gestured her left hand in a sweeping motion and sank into a deep bow towards the snake. If Qimat had the appendages, he would have used a fan to swoon like a southern belle from the 1800's. Even without the appendages, he did a decent job at horribly impersonating a southern woman. "My stars! What a beautiful story you tell. Bless your little heart," Qimat hissed in a snake's equivalent of falsetto."
"Seriously? I was going to suggest doing something, but I would never have thought of that!"
Mildred chuckled. "Apparently that was exactly what you would have thought of." Mildred twisted her mouth slightly and hoped that her words made logical sense. "We never did drop the dungbombs though. We're saving those for the next attack. The other kids wanted to make sure you were okay, by the way. Oh, and Kelly House sent you a bunch of stale bread as a get well present."
"But I don't talk to kids from Kelly House. I barely talk to kids from Pastel House, and no one talks to kids from Hunter House." No one really knew about Hunter House. People left them out of all discussions, and the group of them hardly seemed to talk with each other. They kept enough people in their group to barely surpass Kelly House and ward off unwanted recruits. Rumors typically circulated about what exactly Hunter House was planning. At those time, Dawson would usually smile and say, "I think you need to ask what exactly Hunter House isn't planning," and wiggle his eyebrows a couple times for effect.
"You talked to all of them over the last three months. And you fed Kelly House with your own meals. You still haven't gained back that weight in the two days you've been unconscious, even though they've been pumping you full of sugar," she jabbed her finger to the cauldron on the bedside table, "Speaking of which, you're due for another dose." She poured a goblet of the green liquid and held it to Rae's nose. It smelled repulsive."
"If this is sugar, why does it smell terrible?"
"Because Gryffindors don't think Slytherins should have good tasting medicine. I tried to take out some of the stuff they were putting in it to taste bad, but I couldn't get out everything."
Rae took a sip and gagged. "This is vile."
Mildred remembered the week of watching matrons shove that sludge down Rae's throat.
Stony-faced matrons slowly approached the bed. Their cauldron frothed, and a little spilled over the side. Mildred tried not to think about how it sizzled on the floor. She tried to promise herself that the matrons couldn't kill Rae, but she knew a memory charm would fix any "accidents."
Rae moaned softly as they poured the green liquid down her throat. It smelled like a putrid combination of excrement, gasoline, and more than a little flobberworm mucus. Mildred nearly vomited just looking at the scene. She placed a trembling hand over her nose, determined not to leave the room. Rae's body started to shake slightly from the impact of so much sugar entering her bloodstream at once. One of the matrons shot another a triumphant smirk, and they all departed.
Mildred tried to wipe Rae's clammy forehead, but her muscles abandoned her in disgust.
"I would drink it and agree with you, but you need as much sugar as you can get. You're still under 40 pounds. I mean, you're nine, so it's not like you'll die from heart failure any second, but that's still gross."
"Are the kids from Kelly House getting more food?"
"No."
"Then I'll keep eating less."
Mildred sighed, realizing she couldn't win this battle unless someone starved. "If I stop eating, will you eat more food?"
"No! You're bigger than I am; you need the food."
"I'm bigger than you are because I eat food, and I have actual fat on my bones that could keep me from ending up on disgusting sugar potions. Set me feed Kelly House for a bit. Just until you get better, at least."
Rae resigned to Mildred's demand, in part because she was starving and tired of hiding it.
During the next week, Rae answered every question incorrectly in class, and Emerald House had never lost a football match so spectacularly. The teachers, though Rae would do her work correctly, would nitpick at her handwriting, telling her she wrote a two instead of a six. Having lost her insatiable fire for freedom, Rae obeyed silently. The football defeat was only indirectly her fault: she was not playing in the game, but her actions at a supper she couldn't remember led the referees to be exceedingly unfair. Kelly House beat them by fifteen points, a team who hadn't won a game in at least seven years. Every time Kelly House fowled one of their players, they won a penalty kick for their team.
Emerald House had taken to avoiding her, even avoiding Mildred by association. Dawson resumed his taunting, most of which concerning Rae acting like the nine-year-old moron she was. Rae endured.
One night, after all the other girls in Emerald House had gone to sleep, their stomachs full and their minds content, Mildred took a seat on Rae's bed. "How did you do this?" she asked, gritting her teeth at the sound of her stomach.
"It helps if you tie a sash around your waist. Pretend it's full. Anyway, I'm 43 pounds now; I'm starting up tomorrow."
"Then we'll both do it. I needed to drop weight anyway."
"You did not need to drop weight! But, the more food for Kelly House the better. They're the only ones who talk to us anymore anyway. You know, they're on our side about the football game, even though they got fruit for a night at the dining hall as a reward."
Mildred's voice suddenly dropped a few decibels. "Hey, have you remembered anything about the night of the rally?"
"I wish. The only thing I can bring up is a lot of pain. And you know, I'd rather not bring that up, thanks. Qimat thinks I'm a masochist for even doing it once."
"You are, but that it is not the point." The turned their heads; Qimat was hissing softly to Soraya on Mildred's bed.
"They're friends!" Rae exclaimed, looking at the snakes.
"Why wouldn't they be? That's part of the familiar bond. A snake is friends with his master's friends' snakes. It's worked that way for thousands of years. Anyway, I got this letter from my brother. If you don't want to relive the pain, I can understand, but you should still have the option."
"What option?"
"Just shut up and read the letter. It's from my brother."
Mildred,
I'm sorry for your friend; tell her I know the Cruciatus curse hurts. I think some of the Gryffindor teachers have been telling their students how to use it to practice against potential Dark wizards. I've been the victim one too many times. And I've only gotten it from overzealous students who can't hold the spell for more than a couple seconds; I don't want to know what the real deal feels like. Anyway, I've been looking up the Oblivious curse like you asked me to. There's no countercurse to bring back the memories. Basically, the way to keep the mind the way it was originally is to never use the curse in the first place. But that doesn't really help much, does it?
However, there is another option. Legilimency. If you get into someone's mind, you could try to use Finite Incantatem, that one stops spells. However, it might not work very well, since it usually stops spells that are currently affecting the person, like disabling the vocal cords with Silencio. The Oblivious curse creates more permanent damage instead of working on the person while the spell is in effect. Diffindo might work, but I'd only try that after Finite Incantatem. It's dangerous. It makes seams split open, and there might be an invisible seam between the fog obscuring the mind from the curse and the memory. However, it could also split the seams of the mind itself. Your friend could go insane, though I think she was already insane for trying to stand up to the Head. Waddiwasi is used for dislodging objects, but tangible objects from the way my textbook reads. If the curse manifests itself as a block obstructing her mind's flow, you could try that one. According to everything I've read, the spell depends on how she views her mind. Everyone's mind is structured differently, so different spells work for different people.
No answer is right; her mind will never be as it was before then. However, if you think this memory is important enough, you could consider trying any number of the spells I've given you. Use Diffindo as a last resort though. I really don't want you to see her mind split open. In any event, if your friend decides she wants this done to her mind, you'll need to master the spells beforehand, and you'll also need a wand. I almost forgot you didn't have one yet. However, remember how our parents brought you to Diagon Alley and Mr. Olivanders? Well, they bought you the wand you tried out for fun that day, they just didn't tell you, since you're not allowed to have one until you're eleven. But you're almost ready to go to Hogwarts, and I think you deserve it. They told me to send it to you in an emergency, and I don't know if this is an emergency or not, but I still think you should get it. So, enclosed with this letter is your wand. Learn how to use it before attempting to get into her head; that alone can drive anyone mad.
-Weston
"Did your parents kick him out?"
"Yep. We both got chucked out, but he was older then me when he got the boot. He left when he was seven, and then two years later when he was nine, my parents discovered I could talk to snakes too. Let's just say the rest is history. Probably the same history as a lot of kids here. Anyway, when he came, he was tall for being nine, so he got accepted into Emerald House, and he vouched for me. Thank God he went first or I'd be in Kelly House right now. My parents still love us though, I think. They like him anyway. He goes home for the holidays.»
Rae's face fell. "My parents won't take me back either. At least yours love you."
"You're better better off without them anyway. My parents wouldn't come out about how they loved Weston until he got sorted into Slytherin. I guess the shock of it snapped them out of whatever sick mindset they were in. Adults are dumb about loving people sometimes; I would never hide love for a child if my friends told me to. You know, until my older brother and I came along, my family had been pure Hufflepuff for centuries." Mildred abruptly changed topics. Rae saw a glint in her eye that she made her feel more than a little uneasy. "So, you want your memories back?"
Rae's first response would have been to ask if Mildred had taken her sanity pills that morning. However, she reflected on her house, and how she felt after waking up with a three-month-long hole in her mind. "Was I happier?"
"What do you mean?"
"Was I happier when I had this purpose? Did I seem happier to you?"
"Yes. Almost 100% happier. It was startling how much you changed when you thought you had a job to do. If you remember what happened in the ocean, I'm surprised you still aren't feeling that purpose."
"I dunno what's up with my head, but you should fix it. Use the wand, practice, and fix this."
"I got the letter five days ago. I'm ready if you are."
"Wait, are you kidding me? Five days of practice, and you think I'm going to let you get into my brain? Legilimency is a skill not even O.W.L. level students learn! What makes you think you can do it?"
"Well, my thinking is that I probably can't do it as well as they can." Rae barked out a short laugh. "But," she continued, "I can't really do that much damage since I'm a pretty weak witch. And I know you well enough to hopefully know my way around your mind." Rae started to protest, but Mildred stopped her, "And I know the spell. I can get into Soraya's mind just fine."
"The only reason you can get into that snake's mind is because you have the same mind!" Rae hissed, punctuating every word. "That's the point of having a familiar. You share a significant part of your brains!"
"Hey wait a second…." Mildred's face lit up with what Rae hoped wasn't an evil grin. It looked a little like someone named the Grinch that she saw in a Muggle cartoon at Christmas time. He stole all the Christmas presents from the children. Her mother said he would have been a Slytherin, and that's why his heart was too small. The smile he made when he decided to steal Christmas still haunted Rae. It transformed his face into a mass of grinning wrinkles separated only by rows of gleaming, pointed teeth. Mildred's face wasn't as far from that expression as Rae would like. Mildred continued, and Rae paled. "I could get into your head through your familiar. That way if I don't do it right I won't hurt you."
"So basically, if it's too dangerous for me you're going to do it to my snake? He's my best friend!" Rae didn't bother to watch the sting register on Mildred's face. "Do you really think I'd let you do that to him?" Rae was screaming now, and she didn't care who could hear. The matrons would think she had another psychotic break or something. According to them, Slytherins were mentally unstable creatures, so it wasn't much of a stretch.
"I practiced it on my snake, it's not going to do—"
"I don't care what you think it's not going to do. I care about the fact that you might kill my snake!"
"If I might interject," Qimat began.
"Qimat, be quiet. I'm trying to get you from being killed here!" Rae interjected.
"Well, it is my life after all—"
"You think I care about that?" Rae shrieked.
Mildred sighed at the irrationality of her friend and hoped whatever out of character behavior this was came from her sugar high.
Qimat tried again, "I think I will be fine. Snakes have more defenses around their minds than humans do, at least magical snakes."
"But you're not a magical snake," reasoned Rae, who was still searching for excuses.
"I am a magical snake so long as a witch sustains me. Trust me, I have powers now to defend my mind, as part of my duty as a familiar is to protect the mind of both you and myself. Going through me will be much easier, as I can help guide Mildred through your thoughts. I, unlike her, actually know what I will be doing inside your brain." Mildred bristled with irritation but wisely decided to stay silent.
"B-but… we need more time to prepare, don't we?"
"That's why I spent the last five days practicing."
"You've had a wand for five days! You shouldn't even be performing Alohomora right now!"
"Well I can't perform Alohomora, but I can still perform Legilimency. It's easier if the person wants you in their mind, you know."
"Well then this should be impossible for you, since I don't want you near me," Rae looked pointedly at Qimat, "or my snake."
"Rae, we might as well do it now. I do not want you to live in ignorance of those months for more than a couple days."
"Qimat, you're a reflection of my mind in animal form. You're supposed to be helping me with this!"
"I possess a few, quite limited I will admit, powers involving the mind. In conjunction with a weak spell I could allow her into my mind at least. Once there, you will have the choice to grant her entry into yours. You are right when you say that her spell will fail without your permission. It will also fail," he shot Mildred an apologetic look, "without my aid, simply because she lacks the power."
Rae looked at him skeptically, "And what gives you this mystical snakey power? I thought I was the only thing keeping you alive."
Qimat bowed his head a little; her comment stung ever so slightly, even though it wasn't an insult. "When a witch sustains her familiar with magic, we gain a few magical properties in addition to a lengthened life span. We can read the witch's thoughts, and allow others into the collective mind with express permission of both the snake and the witch. Legilimency still has to be performed, but the only power lies in the incantation. Everything else comes from the guardian snake."
"Oh, so you conveniently have this magical snakey power just at the moment we need it?" Rae asked incredulously.
"Pretty much, yeah." Mildred's snake, Soraya, chimed in.
"Perfect," Rae grumbled in annoyed submission.
"Let's go somewhere else to do this thing." Mildred said, "I don't want Dawson waking up and snitching."
Rae grumbled something about never agreeing to whatever insanity they were about to try, but she followed anyway. The two of them ran through the corridors, their snakes trailing behind them, pausing every few minutes to check for professors lurking around the corners. They found one, but she was sound asleep, her hat covering her eyes. Rae was worried about the professor's snake snake, until she realized that the professors were Gryffindors and didn't have snakes. Mildred had always told her that it was their loss that they didn't have a guardian and friend in an animal. Rae agreed with her.
The garden for potionmaking was open again, though Rae edged past a glob of sludge that looked eerily magical. It was bright green and had an unpleasant resemblance to Rae's "medicine," and though the last potions class had made potions three days ago, it still bubbled. Mildred swore it was harmless, but Rae coughed for two minutes after smelling just a whiff of it. "It was supposed to be harmless," Mildred said, shrugging.
"All right, we might as well start now."
"Here goes nothing," Rae said, trying to hide her uncertainty.
"Legilimens!" Mildred raised her voice, sweat beginning to bead between her brows as she concentrated, forcing the bulk of her magic behind the spell.
The world went dark.
A pair of knut-colored eyes stared from the void. A moment later, a thick crimson tongue poked from below them. "How do you fare?" asked Qimat. Rae thought his voice sounded like God's coming from inside his mind. It reverberated throughout the entire chamber. Mildred stood beside her, shaking. Soraya remained behind; Mildred didn't want to risk her. She would never admit that to Rae, of course. "Ready to go?"
"I still can't believe we're in this Hell hole."
"First, Rae, I must say I am astounded at your careless language. Second, you are speaking of my mind, and I would prefer you use more complimentary terms. I find the inside of my head to be much preferable to Hell."
"Fine. I guess you can go into my head," Rae said begrudgingly and tried to brace herself.
The world went dark.
Rae stood on a floor. She couldn't tell if it was marble, wood, or concrete. She suspected it was none of them; it made no sound when she walked on it. Mildred stood beside her, extremely confused but ecstatic. "This is your mind," she said calmly, a little too calmly if Mildred stopped lying to herself, looking around her in awe.
Rae had never felt so violated. Her mind tried to repel the foreign substance, and Mildred felt a sharp pull around her navel. Only Qimat kept a pressure on the mind that kept Mildred in her place. "Would you try to stop kicking me out? I'm going to help you, remember?"
"Sorry. Reflex."
"Do you know where the memory is?"
"I've never been in here before."
"This is your brain! How have you never been here?" Mildred would have laughed if the matter hadn't been so serious.
"I don't know! Let's just find it, okay?"
Instantly, at her unconscious request, a video editing screen appeared. She remembered seeing one when her brother decided to go through a 'Muggle Arts' phase. He never told her much about it, but apparently it had left an impression. "I guess this is how I store my thoughts," she thought to herself. Instantly, the video and audio tracks on the screen increased. She could see an image of herself, standing exactly where she was, looking at what appeared to be thin air, as she thought the words she just thought. The audio track rang the words more clearly than any program she had seen on television when she lived at home. "I guess this is how I store my thoughts," the screen played.
Of course, she her reaction to the words playing was another thought, and the video and audio tracks lengthened again, showing her what she had just thought. And the reaction to that reaction lengthened the tracks once more, and such continued until Mildred nudged her. "Can you stop gazing in awe at the complexity of your mind?"
"Sorry," she said, and blushed. Meters in the red column of the video editing software spiked. She could hear Mildred's voice in the background, but the sound was muffled. Rae tried to reach for the rewind button, but it didn't work. She could see that the track was lengthening, but she couldn't access it. As soon as she tried, the tracks beyond her immediate view were deleted. Rae considered how oddly her mind decided to act. "Apparently, short term and long term memories are stored somewhere else. This is just my thoughts, and the words of those around me, in the present moment."
She tried to bring up another video editing window, one for her short-term memories of the last year. Apparently, her mind didn't store her memories in the same fashion. "What about these cabinets?" Mildred called over her shoulder.
"Don't open those!" Rae screamed and bowled into Mildred as she began to pry one open. She didn't move quickly enough.
A melancholy wail filled the room. It was the sound of torture, of sadness, of neglect, and of loneliness. A dripping sound alerted Rae to the water the cabinet was releasing onto the floor. "You made my mind cry," Rae said, more confused than actually upset at this new development.
"I'm… sorry?" Mildred said, strongly suppressing the urge to laugh at the expression on Rae's face. But as the wailing continued, sounding more heartbreaking with each wave that reverberated throughout the contents of Rae's mind, Mildred felt the urge to laugh disappear more and more. She felt like sobbing, not only for her troubles, but for her triumphs, for they could mean nothing compared to her sadness. And compared to the sadness of the wailing voice, her entire life had the emotional range of a teaspoon, which made her want to cry even more.
Rae had the good sense to shut the cabinet. "Do NOT touch the cabinets. Ever. Understand?"
The wailing stopped, the water vanished, and Mildred no longer felt the need to pound her fists on the ground in anguish. "What was that?"
"Raw emotion. I didn't realize what it was until you opened it, just that touching the thing would be a really bad idea. Gut feelings should probably be followed when it's my head we're knocking about."
"How can you live with that much sadness inside you?"
"Because of this." Rae disobeyed her own advice and pulled open the cabinet drawer just below it.
Instantly, the room was filled with pink and orange bubbles and the sense of a good joke being told. The joke wasn't audible, but the atmosphere was there. Sweet music played in the background, nursery rhymes and love poems combined in a perfect harmony. Puffy clouds floated out of the drawer, turning themselves into smiling faces, her mother holding her as her father read her a story, her father bouncing her on his knee as her mother told her a different story, one of her father being extremely silly. Rae looked down and realized she and Mildred were no longer wearing their clothes; they had donned beautiful dresses, ball gowns, more magnificent than the ones in fairytales. Mildred was too engrossed in popping the bubbles to grimace; Rae was enraptured by the splendor of her mind. She could spend time here for the rest of her life. But some inner strength of will forced her hand; the cabinet door closed.
"What was that?" asked Mildred, her hand inching towards the cabinet.
"Don't open it again. I might not be strong enough to shut it."
"Why would you ever shut it?" Mildred was clearly still caught under its spell.
"Because it is artificial," said Qimat, "It is what Rae's mind perceives pure happiness to be. She will never feel that much happiness at once in her life, and using pure happiness to resolve her sadness will cheapen her life experiences forever. Life will become various shades of miserable and nothing more.
Mildred nodded, shocked that Rae's snake knew her well enough to form a coherent argument in the face of that ecstasy. "So, what else is in those cabinets exactly?" she asked again, determined to have her question answered more fully.
"Anger, trust, fear, surprise, anticipation, and disgust."
"I don't have them. I went through my own mind to practice going through yours, and I don't have fancy filing systems with raw emotion inside."
Rae shrugged "Each mind is organized differently, like your brother said. You probably haven't found your emotion center yet."
Comprehension dawned on Mildred's face. "I did see some balloons that had different faces on them. If I popped them, I'd probably release the emotion."
"You know, we're chilling in my brain right now. I don't feel like going insane, so if we could find my memories…?"
"Right."
At the back of the room they were in, which hadn't appeared to be a room until Rae thought of it that way, there was a door. It was unmarked, but Rae could hear sounds that she remembered from living at home. "It's in here. Let's go."
Inside the room, they found another, almost exactly the same. The floor was an identical, nondescript black; the walls were black as well. Rae tried to wrap her head around the idea that the walls and floors of her mind were black. They didn't look black to her. They simply looked nonexistent. She could feel them and yet be unable to touch them at the same time. They were, in reality, nothing: tangible nothingness. It made her cringe to think that the premise of her journey was based on a paradox. She supposed her mind created them to give her body a familiar sensation of touch, but her brain certainly hadn't done a very good job. It was disconcerting, the feeling of standing in her mind. Her mind, tormented as it was, attempted to make her and welcome travelers comfortable in the only way it could. Rae took a closer look around, and she saw a row of small boxes, each tied with a ribbon. They looked vaguely like the presents under her Christmas tree at home. The boxes all had the same dark shade of maroon, and the ribbons were dark navy. These colors were never a preference of Rae's, but apparently her subconscious found them soothing.
They poured through the memories, untying each box feverishly. The hard part was trying to put the memory back inside the box; most of them didn't like being forced into captivity once they were released. The memories were organized in chronological order, the first being her interaction with Qimat in the garden at ten months old. The two of them looked at every tenth memory, starting from the most recent memory, trying to identify the one which was damaged. Finally, Mildred though she found it, a box with a small, white splotch on the ribbon. After viewing the memory, she saw white fog covering all of the video, and the voices were barely made out.
"Okay, so we need a stain-removal spell?"
"I think you should try Finite Incantatem first."
"Finite infcantatem!" Mildred yelled, pointing her new wand at the white fog.
Nothing happened.
"You don't know how to do any spells besides Legilimency, do you." Rae asked in a flat voice. Mildred shifted from side to side uncomfortably. "I'm also assuming that you don't know any stain-removal spells?"
"Now why would I know any of those?"
"Because our professors think that Slytherins should be enslaved to clean the houses of Gryffindors and Ravenclaws, and the occasional Hufflepuff."
"Touché. But no, they never told me any."
"Use Diffindo."
"I am not trying Diffindo on your head! You're nine, and I haven't done that spell before! You have an entire life ahead of you, and you want to waste it on some stupid memory."
"First, let's once again bring in the point that you decided you were going to muck about with my brain saying that you were prepared, when you didn't know what you were going to do once you showed up in my mind! What were you thinking? And besides that, I want you to try something since we're already here." Rae felt exasperated to the point that she didn't mind putting herself in danger. Of course, if Mildred damaged her mind permanently, Rae would probably regret her decision, "I was happy with that memory. Life isn't worth it to me if everything's the same shade, not when I can do something to fix it. With that memory, I could make a difference. And what would my life be worth if I didn't do anything with it? I could live a hundred years and be less important than a baby." Rae's chest heaved, her mouth and eyes set, her anger peaking to a point near the ferocity she had when her mind was fully intact.
Mildred, her hand shaking heavily said weakly, "Diffindo."
Nothing happened.
"Diffindo!" she shouted.
Nothing happened.
Qimat, now in corporeal form, slithered up to the two of them. "Would you like some assistance? I could get rid of that for you, I think. It will not be pleasant."
"Just, do it. Don't kill me. I trust you," Rae shot a pointed look at Mildred, who shrugged in an attempt to appear unashamed.
Writhing on the floor in pain that made the Cruciatus curse seem like a feather bed, Rae clutched her head, raking her fingers across the skin. She sobbed, she pled, and she prayed for mercy; Mildred held her arm steady. One hand clutching the other to keep it pointed at the box, Qimat envisioned the white separating itself from the ribbon, the box returning to the ground, and the white landing at Rae's feet.
The ribbon on the box shook intensely. It smoked, and almost caught fire. The white tugged against the ribbon, once, twice. Cotton threads held as the rest ripped away from the ribbon. Mildred compared the scene to pulling a tooth. The one root held the rest of the tooth into the mouth and kept the person in excruciating pain. Mildred figured that those people didn't know pain compared to this. After what seemed like an eternity, the last wisp detached, and the white floated onto the ground. It looked so harmless. Mildred hated it.
Rae's hands clawed at her eyes, her back arched, her heels digging into the floor of the memory room. Mildred carefully moved her so she wouldn't kick any boxes out of place. "Why won't it stop hurting?" Rae screamed. "The fog is gone! Why won't I get better? Make me better! Mummy!" The last word broke from her throat as a raw, shrill cry, choked off by a wail.
The pain ended as quickly as it had come. Rae curled into a fetal position, rocking in a ball, sucking her thumb, and sobbing. The tears streaming down her face left a pool of water on the floor. Mildred, against all protest, picked her up, and carried her into the main room. She neared the filing cabinet and saw the cabinet containing her sadness open and leaking profusely. She slammed it shut, and Rae stopped crying, mid-moan.
"Stop messing with my head," she grumbled, clearly not upset that her drawer of sadness had been firmly closed.
"I could put a lock on it if you want," Mildred suggested.
Qimat nearly lost his sanity, if he had any after watching Rae writhe on the floor. "What kind of human being would she be without sadness? She could not empathize, sympathize, or pity. She could not grieve for those who have lost or cry at her own pain. The pain would never stop, she simply would have to bottle it. How could she ever be happy with a sadness never truly felt and never truly absent? Do not wish that on her, Mildred." Rae tried to nod her head in agreement but couldn't move her muscles beyond sucking her thumb.
Mildred, aghast at simple but complex explanation, shrugged in an attempt to look nonchalant. "I still would have kept the happy drawer open all the time. I don't think I have that much self-discipline."
"That's why your drawers are balloons. Once you pop them, you can't put them back together. That's just the kind of person you are. You'd better not go in there and try anything."
"You ready to go back?"
Rae said nothing.
The world went dark.