A/N: yay chapter 4. Thanks for the reviews and suggestions! There will be lemons and some good sex talk buuuuuut it Might not be in this chapter. They Will happen though because that's why we love Van so much. He's a sexy beast!! Hehe oh and I'm sorry if there are spelling or grammatical errors. I usually don't reread chapters once they are written just because I'm anxious to get it posted. However, if you all would rather me correct errors first let me know. I don't want it to be impossible to read for everyone.

Chapter 4: You can't feel for me

It was really hard for me to think that Van was being serious but who could question his face? He honestly thought he would burst into flames and that just made the situation sad. I look at him carefully and try to think what would cause him to feel so hot all of a sudden. It obviously never happened to him before and my low self esteem didn't want to think it was me who was affecting him so dramatically…but what else could it be?

"What do you think of when you look at me? And think about it hard before answering. Remember that it isn't bad to think and feel things Van. It is good!" I say with an encouraging smile. He frowns and looks down at his hands in thought. He must be really confused. I can't imagine how he's lived like this for so long.

He clenches and unclenches his hands and his frown deepens. "I…don't know. I'm…feeling…things, lots of things." He says slowly and it looked like this pained him to admit.

"It's not bad to feel and think things." I repeat and he looks at me confused. "The man says it is bad. It makes you bad and unhappy." Van says still frowning. I sigh and try a different approach. I needed him to get out of this thinking that being human was bad for him. Sure it could have its down sides but everything did at some point. That was part of living!

"Here, take my hand." I say as I hold out my hand palm up. I watch satisfied as he doesn't hesitate with complying. His hand is cool as he sets it on top of mine and I watch his face carefully as his face relaxes a bit and a small smile starts to form. He looked really cute with that smile.

"Does that feel good?" He looks at me and nods before his gaze returns to our touching hands as I bring them up palm to palm and gently lace our fingers together. "How about this?" Again he nods and his eyes close looking more relaxed. "It makes the warm feeling inside me burn hotter." He says almost shyly and a blush rises over my face. Did I really have that much of an affect on him? Of course, he's never felt this before so it could just be that I'm the first girl he's ever felt things towards. I angrily squash my growing paranoia and decide to just live with the moment.

"It makes me feel warm too." I say and he looks at me with a mixed expression. He was definitely confused now, but he seemed more comfortable knowing that I was sharing his feelings.

"Do you have any questions?" I ask liking that he didn't take his hand away from mine. I know it was pretty elementary to get excited over hand holding but with Van, everything felt new and special. I bet he's a virgin. I think out of the blue and I feel my face heat up. Oh my god Hitomi don't think like that! I didn't realize how dirty I was but…my thoughts shift my attention back to Van who was staring off into space. My eyes wonder over his tall, lean body and back up to his face and into his wide staring eyes…wait.

I shake myself violently. I can't believe I was caught checking him out so openly! I open my mouth to apologize but he cuts me off, "Hitomi. What do you think of when you look at me?" He says quite innocently and it just inflames my face even more. It was probably the shade of a fire truck by now. What a question to ask me after what just happened. Well come on Hitomi think of something!

"Um…uh…" I stutter trying to find something to say. Wait a minute, why not just tell him the truth? I would want him to tell me the truth when he is able to decipher is own feelings, so why not just be truthful? Besides, nothing will come from this. I'm going to escape and return home, back to my normal life.

I frown briefly as these thoughts don't invoke the happiness I was expecting but shrug it off. It was better this way anyways. "Well Van, I think you are a very sweet, nice, handsome…" Extremely sexy…I add silently taking in his tussled black hair and burning red eyes…

"What does…handsome mean?" He asks looking straight at me with those burning eyes. I'd never seen so much emotion displayed out in the open before. His hand tightens around mine and I feel myself gulp for air. He was really breath taking. "It means umm…I like how you look. You are very attractive." I say and he blinks at this. God I wish I knew what he was thinking!

He seemed to be debating over something and I try to wait patiently. Patience never came easy for me.

Confusion everywhere. My mind was a hurricane of confusion and I didn't like it. Hitomi says these feelings and thoughts are good but this didn't feel good. It felt hard to understand and to live with all the time.

"Hitomi, I don't know if I like this feeling and thoughts." I say honestly as my frustration grows. I didn't like not knowing what all these new sensations were. It was so much easier before all this.

I look up at her and see her frowning. "When your mouth curves down, does it mean you are sad?" I ask curiously. She sighs softly and looks at me with a confused expression. "It can mean a lot of things Van, but yes, right now I am frowning because I am sad. I'm sad that you have grown up knowing nothing about your own feelings and I am sad that…that I might end up the same way." Her voice cracks and I watch as her eyes start leaking again.

"Why are your eyes leaking again? What does that mean?" I say not knowing what to do. She was sad. I had made her sad somehow. She didn't like that I didn't know anything about my feelings and I was starting to feel the same way. The feelings certainly brought interesting things to me, like hand holding. I think as I look down at our still clasped hands. Her hand was warm and soft and I watch as my thumb starts to rub the top of her hand slowly. It felt like the right thing to do and when I look up at her again, water was sliding down her cheeks but she looked happier.

"Van, I like you. Do you know what that means?" She asks and I feel the warmth spread over me like a blanket. "I think so." I mumble trying to figure out what my body was telling me. "You don't sound happy about it." She states almost sadly and I stand up abruptly letting go of her hand. "I am happy about it." I say with frustration. "But you can't feel that way Hitomi. The man said so. I can't feel that way and neither can you. It is bad." I turn around and almost run back to my room. This was all wrong. I couldn't feel like this. The man said it was bad and that bad things would happen to me.

Right when I reach my bed, the lights turn off signaling dark time and I'm amazed that I had been with Hitomi for that long. She was so nice to me, and treated me so kindly but…she couldn't feel for me. No one could. No one could feel for me because they would get hurt. That is what the man said. But even as I thought this, I felt pain in my chest, in my heart. For the first time that I could remember I was angry. I felt angry for running away from Hitomi and angry at the man for saying no one could feel for me.

Burying my face in the pillow, I try to sleep and forget what had happened, but my mind was a mess of turmoil. In just the time I had talked to her, I had learned and felt so many things. So many nice things…

I look at the hand that she had held for so long. It was still warm and tingled from her touch and I clenched it in frustration. My body was flooding with emotions and sensations and I wanted to know what they all were and what they all meant. I wanted to know. I needed to know these things right now! But it was dark time. I would have to wait until the lighting time came again.

But I didn't want to wait. I wanted to go back to Hitomi's room right now and hold her hand again. I wanted her to smile and say she liked me again. She probably…she probably hated me now. After I had left her like that. Maybe…she didn't like me anymore. I shake my head furiously and lean back against the wall that separated my room from hers.

I felt like I was going to explode with all the emotions surfacing so fast. It was overwhelming to feel so much in a short amount of time. The man's words flash through my mind along with her face and smile. "You can't feel Van. You are a creature. You are different. If you let someone feel for you, they will die. They will get hurt and die Van." The man says over and over again. He has said that forever. He has said that my entire life.

My eyes clench shut as I try to rid my mind of his words. "No, I don't want to hear it anymore!" I say out loud startling me out of my thoughts. I look around wondering if anyone heard me which, in itself was ridiculous since no one shared my room.

But, just as I was leaning back again I hear a small tap on the wall behind me. I look back and hear it again. One short tap. And then another and another. I press my ear against the plaster and hesitantly tap in response. I listen hard but don't hear anything for over a minute before another tap sounds to the right by the head of my bed. I crawl over and tap again. A responding tap is heard down by the floor in the corner of my room and I push the bed out of the way to get down on the ground by the corner.

There is a small vent and I peer through it to see bright green eyes peering back at me. "Hitomi!" I exclaim trying to keep my voice down. She smiles and I watch her carefully take off the vent pane and set it aside. I follow her after some examination of how it fitted against the wall and soon it was discarded as well.

"Hitomi, I'm sorry." I murmur and she smiles again and reaches her hand through the gap. I instantly lie on the ground and extend my hand and grasp hers firmly within mine. It was still warm and soft and I tighten my grip. We laid like that in silence for a long time, just looking at each other and holding on until sleep over came us and we drifted off to unconsciousness, our hands still firmly clasped together.

The lights turning on and the cheerful good morning wake up call sounded, startling me awake. I hadn't slept that well in…forever. I had dreams and they were wonderful. I smile and look through the gap to see Hitomi still sleeping soundly, her hand still in mine.

A knock at the door had me instantly standing and smoothing out my rumpled clothes. "Van, it is time for your appointment." The man says and I respond with an okay. I crouch back down and see Hitomi looking at me with a sad expression. "What is wrong Hitomi?" I say not wanting her to be sad.

"Van, don't go to the appointment. They will make you forget your feelings again!" She says urgently but I shake me head. I had to go. The man said so. "I have to go. I'll be back soon and then we can talk again, okay?" I say with a small smile but she still looks sad and sighs softly. "I'll be back soon." I say again and stand up not wanting to keep the man waiting any longer.

I couldn't wait to talk to Hitomi again. I had so many questions for her and I think I liked her too! I'll wait to surprise her afterwards though. She will be happy then. My thoughts are happy as I enter the appointment room and discard my shirt.

"How have you been Van? Feeling okay?" He says happily and I nod as I sit on the bench. "Very good now just sit still and this won't take long." I sit as the familiar blackness engulfs me and I feel nothing.

I pace my room impatiently waiting for Van to come out. I knew that he would be drugged but I couldn't give up on him. Not after last night. I had gotten through to him on some level and I couldn't abandon him now. Once I got through to him again we could start making escape plans.

He and I would escape together and maybe we could stay together afterwards. That'd be nice…to be with him in a normal life doing normal things people do at our age. We could go to clubs and dance together and party and just hang out. It all sounded exciting if it was with Van.

I'm shaken out of my fantasies as I hear his door open and close. I rush over to the gap in the corner and peer through hoping to see him. Nothing. I couldn't even hear him moving. "Van. Are you there?" I whisper and wait silently. No response. "Van?" I say louder and silence met my voice.

Getting up I try to remain calm as I exit my room and softly knock on his door. No response. I open the door and walk in, closing it behind me. He was laying on his bed with his back to me and didn't even budge as I walked over and hesitantly touched his bare shoulder.

"Van?" My voice shakes a little in fear and I gently shake him hoping to get some kind of reaction.

Panic courses through my body and I hastily pull him over to see his front. His eyes were closed but he was breathing normally. Everything looked normal except….the blood that was slowly seeping down the right side of his face. Fear grips me and I move his hair to see a small puncture in the side of his head, like something had been inserted. Something larger then a needle.

"Van!" I almost scream in my panic and shake him vigorously until a soft groan emits from him. "Oh my god Van please look at me. Say something please!" I cry staring at him, willing him to respond. Slowly, his eyes open and they look at me in confusion.

"H-hitomi…what is wrong?" He mutters and rolls onto his other side to face me. I seek out his hand and clasp it tightly in my own. "Hitomi…I almost…forgot about you…the man…he…" He groans again and suddenly goes limp, the pain being too much for him. I stare at his face for a long time before something dawns in my mind.

The man knows what I am doing.

A/N: woot chapter 4 up!! I'm on a role. Hehe. I love fluff so much and I especially love Van. Mrawr sexy man. Thanks for the comments and yes there Will be lemons! Emphasis on the plural Lemons. Hehe. And I know this is Rated M and it doesn't seem like it should be but just wait. It's gonna get bad soon so just a warning now. I love romance but I don't like easy romance so be prepared for anguish, possible rape and a whole shit load of swearing. Haha. Also I am trying to rewrite the sex scene for my other story adrenaline rush so if any of you read that then let me know if you wan the sex scene cuz I will have it done soon hopefully :]