More often than not, Kiyoshi wakes up to the family dog's excited licks.
This morning, in a brilliant and unexpected development, he awakes to said dog's furry ass in his face instead.
"Taro!" he yelps, coughing for air and gently pushing the fluffy white Samoyed off of him. For fuck's sake! He's gonna feel like he has fur in his lungs for the next three days.
Taro tilts his head, tongue lolling out. Oblivious to the emotional grief and subsequent respiratory issues he's caused his debatably asthmatic owner, he nudges Kiyoshi's hand with his snout.
Kiyoshi sighs and pats his side. He can't stay mad for long. "Good morning to you, too."
He glances at the clock. 7:12, huh? Yeah. It's about time he should be getting up. He sits up and stretches.
Taro gets the gist. He hops off the bed and scratches at the door, then sends an expectant look Kiyoshi's way.
"Not even going to let me brush my teeth, huh?" Kiyoshi asks, sliding out of bed.
Taro stares blankly.
Kiyoshi's gonna take that as a no.
He opens the door. Taro barrels out of the room. A shout and an exasperated 'Shit! You're up already!?' echo down the halls.
Kiyoshi chuckles. Sometimes he wonders why Taro doesn't just sleep with his parents. With a baby face and silky-soft fur, he's easily top contender for 'favorite son'. But Taro's technically his dog, regardless of what his dad would have you believe. And as such, the overgrown needy baby curls himself up at the foot of Kiyoshi's bed each night.
...And shoves his fuzzy ass in his face each morning.
Kiyoshi slips into his clothes, quickly brushes his hair and teeth (his dog's will be damned), and tosses some food into his fish tank. Then, coughing one more time, just for good measure, he follows after Taro.
"Morning, Mom," he says as he enters the living room.
"Your mutt's all over my ass again," Irina Karasuma, his truly one-of-a-kind mother, complains.
Taro's firmly planted himself on Mom's lap. From the coffee spilled on the couch, something tells Kiyoshi he'd invited himself there rather haphazardly.
"Yeah. I can see that," Kiyoshi snarks.
Mom must notice him staring at the stain, because as she makes an effort to shove Taro off of her she pipes up. "Oh. Don't worry about that. I'll just make your dad deal with it when he gets home." She grins.
Ah yes, Dad. Busy with work as always. He's been practically MIA for the past two days. Not that Kiyoshi can complain much. Mom's work is equally as hard. So he's pretty lucky to even have one of them at home.
Something tells him Dad isn't going to roll with Mom's demands. No matter how hard she whines, begs, or demands, he's going to firmly stand his ground, then tell her with a blank face, "You made the mess. You clean it up."
And she will. She'll moan and groan the whole way through, but something tells Kiyoshi she enjoys it when he pushes her around.
"Good luck with that one," he says.
"What? You don't believe me?" Mom dramatically huffs. "I'll have you know for a fact I can make your father do anything I want!"
In bed, maybe.
God! His parents are freaks!
"Okay, okay. Whatever you say, Mom." He relents. "But if you'd like, I can clean it up before I go to scho-"
"Oh no, no. You don't worry about this bullshit," she interrupts. "If you really wanna be helpful, can you get the mongrel off of me?"
Kiyoshi whistles and pats the side of his leg. In an instant, Taro hops off of Mom's lap and trots to his side. He seems relatively unbothered for having been called a 'mongrel.' Kiyoshi wishes he had the same thick skin. Or blissful obliviousness. Either works.
"I made breakfast, by the way," Mom says. "Nothing fancy. But what do I look like? Your dad?" She kicks a leg up on the couch. "I'm no housewife. " At least not until she needs pity or a favor. Then she's the softest most fragile maiden on the planet. It seems like a switch she can flip in an instant. No-one ever falls for it, but she certainly tries her damndest.
That said, he does smell toast.
"O-Oh! Thank you."
"It's in the kitchen."
He peeks his head in and grabs two slices of toast plus a plate. Taro follows close behind, gaze locked on the food.
"I'm no-"
He's relenting before he can even finish his sentence. He tears a piece off of one his slices and slides it Taro's way. He gobbles it up in an instant.
"Are you feeding him again?" Mom shouts in. "This is why he's getting fat, you know!"
Something tells him Taro isn't particularly phased by his weight.
"Can you grab me a coffee while you're in there, by the way?" She adds on. " Someone spilled mine."
"Of course!" Kiyoshi replies, already pouring her a cup. He gives Taro his best attempt at a disappointed look.
He re-enters the living room, hands Mom her coffee and sits down next to her. He usually prefers to eat in the kitchen, but she isn't that sort of tidy. So he supposes he doesn't mind laxing about just this once.
"Thanks," she says as she grabs her drink. Taro starts to make the motions to join them, but a nasty glare on her part shuts that down. He settles on curling up near their feet.
"I spent way too long lint rolling the couch yesterday to let you get your way, you beast."
Kiyoshi doesn't bother to tell her the moment Dad gets home Taro's going to be on the couch again anyways. For someone with all the approachability of a brick wall, he sure does love that dog.
"Beast. Is that what we're calling him now?" he jokes.
"Would you prefer smug bastard?"
"I suppose I don't have any strong preference, now that you mention it," he relents, taking a bite of his toast.
...Admittedly, he doesn't get to talk to his mom as often as he wishes he could. It's nice to just be able to spend time with her. Even if she is making microaggressions against the dog.
"How's school been?" she asks. "Are you still friends with that weird boy?"
"Yeah. Just yesterday he dared me to eat glue."
"Did you eat the glue?"
"No, Mom. I didn't eat the glue."
She almost seems disappointed. "Pussy."
He rolls his eyes and leans on her. He's a 'pussy' for many, many, reasons, but he wouldn't exactly name that as the top one. He'd call that basic self-preservation.
"Have you made any other friends?" she asks. "Getting along well with your classmates? You know if anyone's giving you issues I'll get 'em."
"Please don't 'get 'em,'" Kiyoshi says.
"Not making any promises."
Kiyoshi rolls his eyes. "I've been fine. Everyone's nice. Well. For the most part. There's this girl, Fumiko-"
Mom makes a slicing motion across her throat. He slaps her hand down with a giggle. "No! No! She didn't do anything! I was actually about to say I think we're finally starting to get along."
He'd still call 'friends' a stretch. But they've found a peace. She seems to have opened up more ever since Makoto reached out to her. Kiyoshi and her have started walking together to and from school. She still doesn't talk much but that's okay. She's a lot nicer than he'd first anticipated.
"So no putting a hit in on her?" Mom asks.
"No putting a hit in on her," Kiyoshi retorts.
Taro whines and paws at the couch.
"I'm putting a hit in on you," Mom growls.
Kiyoshi hurries to eat his toast faster. Something tells him if he doesn't get a move on his fuzzy accomplice is going to finish his breakfast before he can.
"How's Nagisa been?" Mom asks. "Still as crazy as ever?"
"He's been well," Kiyoshi says. "But, yes, he's just as crazy." He pauses. "And just as short."
Irina snickers. "Now that's not a surprise. He hasn't gained an inch since middle school."
"...It's almost sad." Not that Kiyoshi can talk, measuring in at 4'10. But he has an excuse, considering he's fucking thirteen, and desperately hopes his trash talk won't jinx him and doom him to an eternity of step stools and asking someone else to grab things off the top shelf.
"Have you got a hit in on him?"
"Will you stop it with the hitman thing?" Kiyoshi begs. Ex-assassin or not, her shtick is getting old. "No. I haven't. If I'd 'assassinated' him, you and Dad would be the first ones to know." He pauses. "Well- Other than my classmates! Of course they'd be the real first ones to know. Because they'd see it. But, like, other than that: You guys."
Mom chuckles. "Well, I'll be waiting on the edge of my seat. I know you can whoop his ass."
"I am not doing that."
"Okay, okay," Mom relents. "You can politely shoot him then immediately apologize."
"Much better," Kiyoshi says. "My grades have been pretty good, too. He really is a quality teacher."
"He learned from the best," Mom admits. "Me, of course. Not your Father and that octopus."
And to think for a moment he'd almost believed she'd genuinely complimented another human being.
"Midterms are already in a few weeks," Kiyoshi says. "I can't believe it's already been, like, a month. I'm really nervous."
"I'm sure you'll do just fine." Mom reassures, ruffling his hair. "You're a smart kid. And if you ever need someone to help you study your English-"
"...That would be great." Admittedly English is easily one of his best subjects. But he'll take any opportunity he can get to spend more time with her. "As long as you promise to not teach me more wacky sex terms. Something tells me those won't be on the test."
"Because Nagisa is a coward and a menace."
"I'll make sure to pass that onto him," Kiyoshi snarks.
"Hey! Hey-! No!" Mom shouts. Oh. So now she cares about her reputation.
"No taking it back now." He doesn't tell her that he'd never actually say that. Even paraphrasing someone else, he's pretty sure if he called his teacher a 'coward and a menace' to his face he'd just about piss himself.
She grumbles and growls, crossing her arms and staunchly averting her gaze.
"How's work been?"
Mom shrugs, quickly letting up on the angry act. "Same boring shit as always. Just routine. I'm bored out of my mind," she admits. "When are they going to have me do some real work?"
As bad as he feels, Kiyoshi has to admit he much prefers her doing 'something monotonous.' Both her and his father have been sent overseas for months on dangerous missions before. And without fail he always ends up fearing they won't come home this time.
...He doesn't voice that. They're heroes. They're doing important work. He's just a selfish coward. He can't dare ruin that for them.
"I dunno. Hopefully soon," He says. "They can't keep you pent up at home for too long. Otherwise, you're gonna start to get to Taro's psyche," he jokes.
Mom snorts. "Oh. So now that's what the Japanese government's latest initiative is? Protecting his fat ass?"
"Yes." Kiyoshi nods.
"I'm quitting my job and becoming a stripper."
You know. How you talk to your son.
Kiyoshi rolls his eyes. "Ew." He stands. "And on that note, I should get going before I have to hear any more details about your future stripperhood. Sorry! Not interested."
Mom snickers. "Alright, alright," She says. "Your bookbag's in the kitchen."
He peeks his head in and grabs his stuff. Taro ever so diligently follows in suit. Mom stands and grabs him as he starts to follow Kiyoshi towards the door.
"Hey. No," she says. Something tells Kiyoshi Nagisa wouldn't particularly mind if he actually brought Taro into class, but it's for the best he stays home. They can't let his hubris go unchecked.
"Sorry, buddy. I'll see you this afternoon," he says, giving Taro a quick pat on the head. Then he turns and starts to make his way towards the door.
"Hey," Mom interrupts. "You really gonna go without saying goodbye?"
Kiyoshi's face flushes. "Of- Of course not!" he sputters, wheeling around. He rushes over and gives her a hug.
She wraps an arm around him and squeezes. "Have a good day, okay?" She gives him a kiss on the forehead and squeezes even tighter just for good measure. "Love you."
Kiyoshi beams and leans into her embrace. Then, as much as it pains him, he pulls away and walks to the door.
"...See you later, Mom."
"Seeya," she says, giving him a wide smile. "Have fun with your friends, okay?"
"I'll try my best."
"Try not to overthink it!" she shouts as he closes the door behind him.
He can only hope she'll still be home when he returns.
He sends one last hesitant glance towards the window as he starts to begin his long trek to school. And he swears he can see her stroking the dog.
...Heh. Softie.
He turns the corner and sees a familiar face.
"Hisakawa-san!"
He hopes he hasn't kept her waiting too lo-
"About time you showed up. I was just about to ditch you," Fumiko says with a curt wave. He doesn't doubt it for a second.
"A-Ah! Sorry!" he sputters. "I got caught up with some stuff at home. My mom was home and the dog was bothering her and we had to catch up becau-" He cuts himself off. "Well, I guess you don't want to hear about any of that!" he nervously chuckles. "Feel free to just go on without me next time. I'd hate to be a bother-"
Fumiko gives him a blank look. "I was joking."
Eep!
Well how was he supposed to parse that!? She'd said it so seriously!
"Come on," she says, starting to walk. She doesn't notice that it takes him a good ten seconds to collect himself and scurry after her.
An intimidating girl indeed. In the strangest way, he likes that about her. He can't exactly get tangled up in worries about what she surely must think of him when she's willing to voice her distaste aloud. She doesn't make an effort to hide her feelings. He knows exactly what she thinks of him. And while it's not exactly flattering, it's far from as bad as it could be.
"Nice day, huh?" he asks.
"Eh," she responds.
She's not wearing her scarf this morning. Or any morning, for that matter. She's made a distinct habit of leaving it at the school and putting it on as she arrives. He can't help but wonder if she's embarrassed to wear it home. Nonetheless, Makoto's been thrilled she's taken to the gift at all.
And scarf or not, boy oh boy is she layered up. He must admit the sight of a girl wearing a designer coat in early May is a sight to see. Not that she'd be pleased to hear of the humor he finds in that situation. So he keeps his damn mouth shut.
In fact, he doesn't mind the silence, seeing as how she'd bothered to wait for him at all.
They arrive at the school in due time. And one trek up the mountain later and their aching feet have brought them to their destination. They peek their heads inside to a mostly empty classroom.
Haruhi sits in the back steepling her fingers. Riko and Chiharu quietly gossip. And Nagisa's intently focused on his notes. He doesn't even seem to notice them enter the classroom.
Kiyoshi gives him a wave with a quiet "Hi, Shiota-sensei," and he looks up in surprise.
"Oh! Hello!" he responds. "Good morning, you two."
Fumiko returns a quick "Morning," and heads to her desk. She never once looks his way.
...But hey! She's trying! So an A for effort!?
Kiyoshi takes his seat diagonal of her. He carefully unpacks his bag as she reaches into her desk and retrieves her scarf. She secures it snugly around her neck.
Rika glances over from her desk. "Looking cute, Hisakawa-chan!" she says with a smile.
"...Ah- Thank you," Fumiko responds.
It feels like just a week ago she'd have told her to "Fuck off," albeit in a more proper and distinctly less crude gazillionaire-people-way. Slowly but surely she's finding a place among her classmates, however small that may be. It makes him feel proud. He hadn't exactly done the hard part of the work, but it still feels pretty nice to know they've managed to weasel their way into her shriveled up heart.
She's still not having any hand in 'assassination.' He can't exactly blame her. It's an intimidating endeavor. But it's still sort of sad to see her sitting alone on the sidelines.
With time, the rest of the class slowly pours in. Terumi and her posse meet with Haruhi, and the Hisoka twins seem to be bickering as they walk in through the door. Komoshi falls asleep at his desk the moment he arrives, and Minki ever so cautiously pokes him with a 'cool stick' she'd found outside.
Kiyoshi sends a glance Fumiko's way. Whether they'd admit it or not, they're anticipating a sunshiney face.
Makoto bursts down the door at 8:20. Considering role call is at 8:30, and he's managed to show up past ten before, it's not too shabby.
"Morning, Nagisa!" he greets, moseying over to his desk and subsequently slapping a paper down. "I finished my short story!" he says. "Sorry 'bout the wait."
"It's fine," Nagisa replies with a smile. "And good morning to you as well."
Makoto beams before skipping over to his own desk. And Nagisa gets right to work on grading. Kiyoshi must admit he can't help but feel a little bad for him. He's seen Makoto's grammar, and it's atrocious. He has a long read ahead of him.
Makoto pays no mind as he slides into his chair. "Morning Kiyoshi! Morning Fumiko!"
Fumiko gives a tired smile as Makoto leans forward to greet Matsuya.
As wholly exhausting as he is to be around, Kiyoshi can't help but smile as well. Makoto manages to perk every head the moment he enters the room.
"I am so tuckered out," Makoto rambles. "I didn't sleep, like, at all, last night. And don't tell Nagisa, but I totally forgot and crammed my assignment last minute."
He'd already been given an extension! How ballsy can he be!?
"Probably still better than mine," Kiyoshi admits. "It turned out so bad." They'd been told to write a short story or anecdote with a twist ending. Pretty fun in concept, but less so when your ideas all dry up. His lack of retention of basic grammar concepts aside, at least Makoto has creativity going for him. But Kiyoshi? Kiyoshi's life just isn't interesting.
Makoto roughly pats his shoulder. "Aw! Don't say that!"
Well. Wasn't interesting.
Makoto turns to Fumiko. "What did you write about, Fumiko?"
"Eh. Nothing interesting," she responds with an apathetic shrug. "I can't stand Literature."
"Eh. I'm sure you did great," Makoto says. "You know all sorts of big words! Like 'Literature!'"
Fumiko shoots him a look. "Are you an imbecile?"
"Or 'imbecile!'!"
Fumiko lets out an exhausted sigh. "I'll take your word for it."
Makoto grins. "I think Nagisa will like my story, too! I think I thought of a really funny twist!"
Kiyoshi's not exactly sure he trusts Makoto's idea of funny, but he'll have to go out on a limb here.
That's when Nagisa drops the paper.
Kiyoshi's the only one who seems to notice. How he scrambles to grab it as it drifts down through the air. He clutches it tight, hand shaking ever so slightly. There's this wide, frazzled look in his eyes. Almost like he's seen a ghost.
'Funny,' huh?
...What the hell could Makoto have possibly written!?
Nagisa finds himself flipping through Korosensei's advice book the moment he gets home.
He keeps it and the yearbook in his bedside drawer. More often than not he pulls them out when he's not feeling quite sure about himself.
But this… This is different. What Makoto had written… It's-
He turns the pages as fast as he can.
He knows he's not going to find what he's looking for. He's managed to read the thing cover to cover half a dozen times. There's all sorts of surprises in it, including teaching tips he'd never thought he'd need. But to hold out hope for what he wants to see hidden in some secret nook or cranny he'd missed? It's inane.
An 'I'm still here.'
He's thought many times about where Korosensei went after he died. He's never been a particularly religious man. He's always liked to think he lived on in that building. That him and Aguri not only resided there, but were cheering him on every day.
How is it that a single boy can put an end to such a nice thought?
He skims through the pages. High school tips and tricks. A recipe for a meal he'd thought Nagisa would enjoy. Advice for dealing with particularly unruly students and his prediction for what would happen in the next Sonic Ninja movie. Doodles of his face and witty proverbs. Long winded stories. Encouragement throughout the whole thing. He'd even left advice for if Nagisa changed his mind and decided to pursue assassination after all.
He's had a word to throw in on just about everything. It had seemed like there was nothing he hadn't thought through.
But it turns out he hadn't written any advice on what to do when a student reminds Nagisa of him. Eerily so. No 'here's what to do when I return in the flesh,' or even a 'knock that off, Nagisa! You're far too smart to entertain that thought.'
...Nothing.
Nagisa's completely in the dark.
He sighs and closes the book. He puts it in its rightful place back beside the yearbook and closes the drawer.
He knows he should be working on his lesson plans. But he just can't get it out of his mind. He heads into the study and boots up the computer.
It's a high-end thing. It's on in no time at all. He opens Google and stares blankly at the search bar.
...What do you even ask?
'Korosensei.'
He doesn't know why he types it. It's nothing he doesn't already know. Pictures of that wide grin and essay-long think pieces over whether or not the only adult he'd ever loved deserved to be murdered in cold blood.
'The Reaper.'
Now that's just clipart of skeletons in hoods and screencaps of a Death Note character.
'The Reaper Assassin.'
He clicks on the Wikipedia article. It's a bare-bones thing. Not even a picture.
"The Reaper is the pseudonym of an alleged serial killer who's said to have operated across the world from the late 90s to the mid-2010s. The killer's identity remains unknown, as does the validity of the claims of his existence. It is unknown whether The Reaper was a single killer, multiple affiliated killers, or several unrelated…'
He loses interest about there. He'd almost forgotten what he'd learned to call 'assassination' in his youth was perceived as 'serial murder' by the world at large.
He knows he's not going to learn anything more about Korosensei than he already knows. He was an elusive man. And he'd already learned the most he could from the source himself. Quite frankly, he doesn't need information. He just can't get him off his mind.
He hesitates. He knows what he really wants to Google. But he just feels foolish.
…
'Reincarnation.'
Now that just yields definitions. That's not what he needs!
'Is reincarnation real?'
He's not sure why he'd expected an answer. Of course not. At least not in a way anyone can prove. At best, he's finding religious accounts. At worst, he's finding crackpot conspiracy theories.
'Student reminds me of dead teacher.'
Now that's just gibberish. There's nothing to it, Nagisa! Stop overthinking it! It's just… It's just…-
'Am I losing my goddamn mind?'
He sighs and slumps down on the desk.
"...You okay?" A familiar voice pipes up. A face peeks out from behind his browser window.
...Ritsu.
He'd almost forgotten about her entirely. She has a habit of keeping tabs on their digital footprint. As big-brother-esque as it may seem, he knows it's just her way of trying to connect. She lives a drastically different life from them, after all.
"Absolutely not."
Her brow furrows in concern. "Do you wanna talk?"
...Not particularly. He knows he's just following a madman's trail. But he hardly even has the guts to voice that. He gives a defeated shrug.
She minimizes his tab and perches on his taskbar. She kicks her feet back and forth. "...Thinking about Korosensei?"
"What made that much obvious?" he snarks.
He knows she misses him too. They all do. It's been years. But he'd changed their lives so profoundly. Even as they've moved on, he's sure their thoughts wander back to him more often than they'd like to admit.
How could they not? He hadn't died a natural death. He'd been taken from them.
...And Nagisa had been forced to do it. He knows it's what Korosensei wanted. And he thinks he'd have regretted it for the rest of his life if he hadn't done it himself. But once every so often it haunts him when he stares at his hands.
At the very least it had answered the burning question in his heart: He just wasn't cut out for killing.
Ritsu blinks. "I guess that was sort of a silly question," she says. "You're thinking about something a little more complicated."
Nagisa sighs. "Yeah. I know. It's stupid. But is it really so bad t-"
Ritsu cuts him off. "...It's not stupid."
"People don't come back from the dead, Ritsu."
"For one, reincarnation isn't 'someone coming back from the dead.' You should know that, silly," Ritsu says. "For two, AI don't tend to have self-awareness, either. Korosensei always had a way of doing what he wanted."
It had certainly seemed that way. At least, finally, until he couldn't save himself. Sometimes Nagisa still wonders if he hadn't wanted to be saved.
"...So you believe me?" Nagisa asks.
"Well, I don't believe you. But I don't not believe you, either," Ritsu says with a smile. She rests her head on her hands. "Why don't you let me in on what's going on? I've been meaning to hear about your class, anyways."
Nagisa hesitates. "Well… There's this boy: Makoto. And he… He… He reminds me of him in every way, Ritsu," he rambles. It spills out. "I don't even know what it IS. I mean, he's petty, and he's kind, and he's funny. But it has to be something more than that."
Ritsu curiously tilts her head.
"It's something about his smile. I can't even describe it-" That wide, unfaltering grin. Of course, it's not exactly the same. If a normal ass human person tried to replicate that, he's pretty sure they'd sprain something. But… But… "It has this energy. The way he looks at me. The things he says. The things he does. I just can't shake it. And I know that's insane. But every day it gets more and more uncanny."
"The things he does?" Ritsu asks.
"Well, like… Remember what I told you guys happened day one?"
"The bombing, right?"
He'd ended up excitedly telling the entire group chat the story the moment they'd gotten the 'Hey Nagisa' thing worked out. Now that had earned a round of applause.
"That was him?" Ritsu asks.
"Mmm," Nagisa responds. "And then, just today… He... " he pauses. "We had a creative writing assignment, right? You'll never guess what his story ended with."
"I probably can. But try me."
"It was tentacles all along."
"...Excuse me?" Ritsu sputters. Turns out she couldn't guess it, huh?
Nagisa blinks. "Oh. You weren't around for that, were you?"
Ritsu quickly shakes her head. "N… No?"
"It was a writing assignment Korosensei gave us before you showed up. It had to end in 'It was tentacles all along.' Understandably we poked a ton of fun at him. Because no story could have possibly made sense with that as the plot twist. Turns out it was a lot more realistic of a development than we'd have thought." Considering 'tentacles' just about explained everything that had happened over that insane year.
"I bet that gave Kayano a heart attack, huh?"
"Oh, totally," Nagisa says. "She kept a straight face, but I'm sure she must have been terrified for a second there." Even with the limelight masterfully angled away from her, she still must have had at least a little paranoia she'd been caught red-handed.
Turns out Korosensei was encouraging them to write a piece of his life story.
"That is a pretty weird phrase." Ritsu agrees. "And I'm gonna guess this isn't something the public would know about?"
"No way," Nagisa replies. "I'd forgotten about it entirely until now."
"Let me double check," Ritsu says, hopping off of her makeshift seat. She re-opens Google and types into the search bar.
'It was tentacles all along.'
As expected, nothing. Results involving combinations and mishmashes of the words, but not what they're looking for.
"You're right. Nothing." She says.
"Exactly. I know it sounds insane, Ritsu. But how else? It's him. It has to be. It has to be-"
Ritsu turns back his way and cocks an eyebrow. "You feel really strongly about this, huh?"
"...Yeah. Admittedly." Nagisa fiddles awkwardly with his tie. How could he not? It's hard not to overthink…
Ritsu takes a seat on the search bar. "Have you told your spouses?"
Nagisa hesitates. "No…" he admits. "How can I just spring that on them? They won't believe me. Karma would never let it go. He'll give me shit for the rest of my life if I breathe a word of this."
"That's not true.." Ritsu says. "They love you. I'm sure they'd try their best to understand."
"And what if I'm wrong? This is a huge jump to be making. I can't get their hopes up."
"You've already gotten your own hopes up pretty high."
Nagisa frowns. "...I wish there was a way to just know. Is there anything you can do? I mean, you have the entire internet at your fingertips."
Ritsu sighs and shakes her head. "Even I don't have an answer to this one, Nagisa. But I think you should follow your heart."
"And for what? It's not like I can even say anything to Makoto-"
"Of course not. But a good place to start would be saying something to your loved ones. I think they'd really appreciate it."
"I'll… Try," Nagisa replies.
"And keep working hard to give Makoto a good future."
"Of course." Nagisa nods. "It's… It's what I'd do regardless. What I'd do for all of my students. They're my world."
Ritsu smiles. "I thought so. But I just thought I'd make sure."
"...Thank you for checking up on me, Ritsu," Nagisa says.
"It's nothing!" she cheerily replies. "It's the least I can do for my beloved classmate. Keep me updated, okay?"
"I'll make sure to."
"Good. And never call yourself crazy again." She pouts. "Because I'll break right into your desktop as many times as it takes to remind you you're not."
"Thanks, Ritsu. That… Means a lot."
"I told you. It's nothing." She glances to the side. "But I should probably get going. There's actually a Hatsune Miku stream I've been wanting to attend?"
Nagisa chuckles. "Yeah. I won't hold you up any longer. See you around, Ritsu."
"Seeya! Keep what I said in mind, okay? And? Protip? In the future try to use incognito when you're looking up stuff you'd be embarrassed for me to see." And before he can even reply, she's gone. She truly is an enigma.
Nagisa shuts down the computer and stands. She's given him a lot to think about.
Nagisa can't sleep.
He listens to Gakushuu softly snore and turns over once, then twice. More than anything he just wants to pull his pillow over his head and scream.
...He doesn't do that.
He'd managed to drift off for a little while earlier, but it hadn't lasted. His thoughts had been too disjointed. They're swimming around in his head and it feels like he's drowning. He's been called an overthinker before, but this is different. It's too important. He needs to do something. He needs to say something.
But he can't. He can't. None of this makes sense. If he breathes a word of it he'll never hear the end of it. This isn't your run of the mill conspiracy. It's about someone so deeply important to them. There's such a weight behind even the mere mention of Korosensei. He can't just throw that name around. Not after everything he did for them.
Korosensei would be disappointed in him. He'd stare down at him and shake his head. "I'm gone. And there's nothing you can do about it."
...Makoto's unsettling smile is burned into his mind.
No. Not disappointed. Don't think that way. Korosensei would never. He'd squint and bring his tentacle to his chin. "Now is that truly what you think, Nagisa?" He'd chuckle and grin the way he always did. "Then don't drop it. I didn't teach you to give up, now did I? Even if you don't find the answer you're looking for, there's no harm in asking questions."
Nagisa turns over.
It's not that easy! He has more important things to be focusing on! The last thing he needs to do right now is go on a mad goose chase! The school year's just begun. He can't afford to lose sleep over the impossible belief that Korosensei's somehow returned from the dead. That. Doesn't. Happen.
"AI don't have self-awareness," Ritsu had chided.
...And octopi don't fly.
What if he's right? What if, against all odds, it really is him? Could he live with himself if he let that go by right under his nose? Is it wrong to not say something to the others? Karma? Kayano? The E-Class? Makoto himself?
Ritsu had encouraged just opening up to his spouses. But it's more complicated than that. It's stressing him out enough as is. They… Don't need that in their lives too. Or even worse, what if they don't believe him? What if they stare him down and see him losing his mind? Throwing around the name of the one adult they'd ever loved so casually? It's disrespectful!
Quite frankly, it's none of Gakushuu's business. It'd only bring Kayano more grief than it's worth. And Karma would never let it go. The last thing he needs to do is turn himself into a fat joke in the eyes of the people he loves.
...He knows they'd be upset if they learned he was carrying this alone. They don't do secrets. He shouldn't be scared of them. They've done nothing but love and support him. Why can't he bring himself to trust them?
...Probably because he can't trust himself.
He rolls over.
And of course he can't say anything to Makoto. He has enough on his plate as is. The last thing he needs is an adult in his life getting him wrapped up in utter nonsense. If Korosensei had taught him anything, it's that it's best to let people come to their own conclusions. And support them when they do. People don't need someone to tell them how to live their life. They need a supportive shoulder to lean on.
...At least, that's the ideal.
"Just keep working hard to give Makoto a good future," Ritsu had said. Nagisa wishes it was that easy. It's what he wants for all of his students. And he tries! He works his ass off! But what if that's not enough? He's not like Korosensei. What if he can't help them? What if he can't help him? He could very well be failing the one person who'd gone above and beyond for him! What if he's not good enough!?
He realizes he's yanked the blanket off his spouses in his tossing and turning.
…
He stands up. He needs to get his mind off things. Because he's never going to sleep at this rate. He tosses the blanket back onto the bed and makes his way downstairs. He reaches the kitchen, paces in circles, and crashes straight into Kayano.
She yelps.
"S-Sorry!" Nagisa sputters. "Didn't realize you were up-"
"Yeah. I was just grabbing a glass of water." She squints. "Why are you up? You're not looking too hot."
Always a lovely thing to hear from your wife!
"Was just… Thinking," Nagisa replies.
"That's real specific." Kayano pauses. "You… Haven't gotten much sleep, have you?"
"No," Nagisa admits.
"Yeah. I figured. You've been tossing and turning all night." Nagisa feels his face flush red. Shit. Had she noticed? He hopes he hadn't been keeping his spouses up. "...Is something wrong? You've been acting weird all day."
"It's just something that happened at school."
"...Wanna talk about it?"
Hardly. "You wouldn't believe me."
"Oh, geez," Kayano snarks. "Thanks for all the credit. Hit me."
Nagisa sighs. "...You're not going to let me drop this, are you?"
Kayano blinks. "Nagisa, if you really don't want to talk, I won't pester you about it. But you're my husband. I know when something's wrong. I'm happy to help where I can."
"It… It'll be a long conversation."
Kayano pulls aside a chair at the kitchen table. "I have time."
Nagisa hesitantly takes a seat opposite of her. He clasps his hands and stares downwards. He desperately tries to steel himself. She's right. He needs to share it. Otherwise he'll never clear his mind. He takes a deep breath.
Kayano notices his discomfort. "You don't have to if you don't want t-"
But he beats her to it. There's no turning back now!
"Kayano, can I say something crazy?"