Stiles is disappointed. He's not sure what he wants from Derek, but what he gets is not completely satisfying.
"What's the matter with you?" Scott gave Stiles a scrutinizing stare before he shook his head and took a bite of his burger. They were sitting in a booth at the burger joint waiting for Allison. Scott had just mentioned that Derek was on his way too and Stiles almost started hyperventilating.
It was five days since he'd seen Derek. The guy had left through the window Monday night, and Stiles had been very disappointed by it. The encounter had been amazing, but he felt it was somewhat cut too short. He'd wanted Derek to stay in bed with him just to cuddle a little, but he'd just rushed off leaving Stiles in pain. A pain that was just as emotional as it was physical.
He knew Derek was in town. Even if he didn't see him, he'd heard the rumors. That he'd possibly show up here, now, was very disturbing. Keeping a straight face was hard enough when it was clear that Scott suspected that something wasn't right. Keeping a straight face when Derek was around would be impossible.
"Oh, I just remembered, I have to get home soon. I have this assignment, history class..." Stiles got cut off. "Seriously! Are you that afraid of him?" Scott rolled his eyes as he picked a pickle out of his burger. "Fuck, I told them no pickles." He looked up at Stiles again. "Why are you so antsy around him. He's not gonna hurt you. You're one of us. Even if you're not... one of us."
Stiles looked down on his meal and swallowed hard. "No, it has nothing to do with that. What are you insinuating? I'm not scared of him." He chuckled a little nervously. "I really do have an assignment." It was true, but he had the whole weekend to do it, and he knew it would take him less than an hour to finish. "I just want to get a head start. And anyway. You and Allison and Derek in the same room... I'm not gonna be... I'm gonna be ignored."
He gave Scott a pout, just for show, before he got up from his seat. "I'd rather hang out with you alone. You can come over later?" Stiles walked towards the door. "It's just... just different. You have Allison and I, I. It's okay." He gave Scott a crocked smile. "Really, this has nothing to do with Derek."
He practically ran out the door leaving a puzzled Scott behind. He didn't try to follow, and Stiles was happy about that. Settled in the driver's seat he heaved his breath. He wasn't sure if Scott believed him. The two of them had been friends for years. Scott knew him better than anyone and was bound to find out that something was up. Stiles wondered what would happen if he told him. He wondered how Scott would react if he revealed everything.
A knock on the window startled him. Allison gave him a bright smile and gestured for him to roll it down. "Hey, are you leaving? I thought..." She pointed to the burger joint. "Is Scott still there?" Stiles nodded and as he was about to confirm it with actual words his mouth fell open when he saw Derek on the sidewalk.
Allison followed his line of view and scoffed. "What's he doing here? He's always trouble." Stiles managed to compose himself somewhat. "I don't know, Scott said he'd come. I don't know why?" He sighed. "And, by the way, yes, Scott is in there. I had to go, sorry. See you guys later." He turned the ignition key and gave Allison a quick smile. It faded as he looked through the windscreen. Derek was standing in front of the car with a smirk on his face.
Revving the engine didn't help. Derek stood firm. He gave Allison a nod as she walked backwards a few steps. "I'm just gonna go inside, to Scott." Then she turned and walked away.
Stiles stared at Derek and hesitated for a split second with his foot on the gas before he resigned and put the car in park. Derek came around and opened the passenger door before he slipped into the seat. "Are you leaving? Thought we were going to hang out?" He put his hand on Stiles' thigh and squeezed it gently.
"I have homework." Stiles didn't look at Derek. "I'm a very busy guy, I can't just hang out with you whenever it suits you." He fiddled a little with the keyring hanging down from the ignition key. Derek's hand moved up his thigh and brushed over the crotch. "No? Thought you wanted more than a nightly visit. I must have got it wrong." A growl came from Derek's throat as he removed his hand.
Stiles still didn't look at him. Technically Derek was correct. Stiles wanted more than that, but he'd never really thought about what he wanted, exactly. "I... I can't." he croaked out. His heart was beating at an insane speed. That gentle touch felt so different now in broad daylight. Even if he could feel that he got slightly aroused from it, it wasn't so much about sex.
When he eventually turned and looked at Derek, he spotted a touch of disappointment in the guy's eyes. It was gone in an instant. Derek sneered and moved to get out of the car. "I suggest you give it a thought." The gaze softened for a bit and he cocked his head. "Tell me what you want."
As Derek exited the car, Stiles could feel his eyes tearing up. He wiped them quickly peeking at Derek to see if he noticed. "What I want? Since when did you care what I want?" He looked down and shook his head. "You don't really care about that, do you? You just take."
He heard a scoff and then Derek leaned back into the car and gave Stiles' cheek a stroke. "Trust me. I care." Then he got out again and slammed the door shut. Stiles didn't look up. He lifted his hand to his own cheek where Derek's had just been. Then he started the car and as he panned the parking lot he noticed that Derek was gone.
Their next encounter was a rushed affair, in the early morning hours, a couple of days later. The sheriff was due home any time, and Derek spent a few minutes prepping Stiles before he just fucked him and left. Feeling used and bruised, Stiles started to question himself. That quickie was not what he'd signed up for.
Derek had asked him what he really wanted, but he never got a chance to tell. Not that he had an answer to that question yet. Okay, yes, he wanted some comforting after sex, but the feelings inside of him was developing into something else. Something he didn't even dare to touch.
The next few weeks things became sort of routine. Stiles knew exactly when to expect Derek to show up. As soon as Mr. Stilinski was out the door to work a night-shift – or if he had to rush out in the middle of the night because of a serious break-in or an accident – the knock on the window came shortly after.
Stiles was left alone, bruised and scarred, as soon as Derek had had his way with him. The question about what Stiles wanted never came up and if he tried to express a suggestion, he got shushed.
Early one Sunday morning, about three weeks after the rendezvous in the car, Stiles mustered up the courage to ask. Derek was about ready to climb out the window when Stiles stepped in front of him, covering the exit.
"Why did you say you care about what I want, when you clearly don't?" Stiles could feel the cold air from the open window on his back and goosebumps appeared all over his body. It wasn't only the chill from the air that caused it. Stiles was terrified at the moment, but he was pretty sure that Derek couldn't hurt him more than he'd already done.
Derek took a step forward and put his hand on Stiles' shoulder. "I do care. It's just," a heavy sigh cut the sentence off. "this is," another sigh came as Derek wrapped his arms around Stiles and pulled him into an embrace. "I'm sorry, I have to go." With a quick move he'd turned them around so Derek had his back towards the window. "Go back to bed." He let go of Stiles and gave him a gentle push before he disappeared.
For the first time since this weird relationship started, Stiles cried himself to sleep. He'd shed a few tears before over it, but this time he couldn't stop. It had nothing to do with the pain from the scars. It had nothing to do with the fact that Derek again had just left. What it boiled down to, the cause for this unstoppable well of tears, was the embrace. The gentleness of it – and he fact that Derek was in a lack of words when he got that direct question – told Stiles that deep down behind that emotionless appearance, Derek really did care.
After a couple of hours of restless sleep, Stiles got out of bed and latched the window. It was gonna stay latched. The thoughts that had entered his mind during these early morning hours were so disturbing that he decided to cut off the relationship. How it was going to work Stiles had no idea about, but he had to rid himself of Derek completely.
He could almost hear his heart break as he made the decision. Knowing for sure that he'd fallen in love with the guy terrified him more than Derek's intimidating look could ever do. Why did he have to ask that question? Why did he force Derek to show emotions that he clearly didn't want to show? So he cared, so what? Derek wasn't in love with him. Derek was just feeding on him for his own pleasure. Maybe he cared on some freaked out level, but there could never be anything more between them than these sordid encounters.
To get his mind off it all he started to tidy his room. The bloodied sheet from their first encounter never came clean, and Stiles had tucked it in the back of his closet. Now he dug it out and carried it into the garage hiding it in one of the boxes with his name on. He'd contemplated on tossing it out, but couldn't make himself do it.
The next week, Stiles spent more time with Scott than he'd done for a while. He managed to keep up appearances and Scott didn't question him about his behavior the last month and a half. He saw Derek a couple of times, but got away before he was spotted. His dad had been home every night, so Stiles knew that Derek wouldn't come around.
On Friday morning, Mr. Stilinski came into the kitchen with a duffel-bag. "I have to go on a seminar. I'll be back on Sunday, don't tear down the house." Stiles startled and turned to stare at his dad. "What? You didn't tell me. What am I gonna do?" The pitch of his own voice disturbed him. He sounded like a scared child.
His dad looked at him puzzled. "I thought you'd be thrilled having the house for yourself. What's up with you? Are you sick?" He walked over to the counter and grabbed himself a cup of coffee. "You've never been scared to be alone. But anyway, have Scott over if it'll make you feel better."
That was actually a good idea. Scott could come over and they could hang out all weekend. Stiles just had to make sure that Derek knew this so he wouldn't come knocking. "Yeah, sure. It's okay. I'm not scared. It's just, I'm just surprised. You didn't tell me."
The first thing Stiles did when he came to school was to ask Scott if he was interested in spending the weekend at his house. Scott lit up and immediately started to plan what they could do. Then his shoulders slumped down. "Fuck it. I promised to hang with Allison on Saturday night. Her father is going to some party and..." he cocked his head. "...you know?" The shy smile Scott threw at Stiles told him more than he wanted to know. "You could both come."
Scott huffed. "Yeah, right. That's what you want? I think not." He chuckled and shook his head. "I'll scramble together some booze and we can hang out tonight. Play games and have a good talk." Stiles sighed and shrugged. A good talk. Like that was going to happen. He suspected that Scott would start asking him questions that he couldn't answer, but he still nodded. "Sounds like a plan. Come over anytime. We can order pizza."
They did have fun. For several hours, Stiles managed to keep Derek out of his head. After eating pizza they slouched on the couch playing video games. Scott had brought a few beers and a half full bottle of vodka, so around ten they were starting to get seriously drunk.
Stiles was pretty sure that Derek could hear them if he was in the vicinity, but he'd put a note on his window just in case. Taped to the pane, it read: "Scott is here. Don't even try." He worried what would happen tomorrow night when he would be alone at home but in his drunken state he managed to push it aside.
"What's been up with you lately?" Scott's question came suddenly as Stiles sifted through his games to find that old Mario Cart disc. "You've been very evasive. Does it have something to do with Lydia?"
Stiles became startled, but managed to compose himself. He hadn't thought about her in what felt like ages. He'd always looked at her as the love of his life, but now that was just a vague memory. He'd seen her around and he still liked her, but for some reason she'd slipped his mind. Some reason? Stiles was perfectly aware about the reason, he'd just not connected the dots until now.
"Uh, I, I've just been preoccupied with stuff." He found the disk and slipped it into the game-console. "It's just, just, Lydia is a lot friendlier now, but I think, I think it's not gonna happen." He walked over to the couch again and slumped down. "I think I need to move on. It's a little sad, but I'll cope."
Scott grabbed the controller and started the game. "So you're over her? Or do you still pine away? I'll pick Mario, your turn." Stiles looked at his friend and shrugged. "Don't know really, I think it's fading. I wouldn't turn her down if she came a-knocking but, yeah, I'm getting over it."
The joy he felt when he realized that he didn't have to lie to his friend was overwhelming. Everything he said was true. Scott mentioning Lydia came as a gift. The reason for not thinking about her lately was disturbing, but as long as he didn't have to lie to his best friend it was satisfying.
"Good. I'm of the same opinion. Let her go. You can do better. Even if she's changed she's still a bitch." Scott chuckled. "You'll find someone else. Someone who appreciates you for who you are. But let's play."
Stiles sighed. He'd already found someone else, but that relationship was also doomed. Scott didn't need to know. It was over. If it was preventable, Derek would never enter this house again. Stiles knew he had to get over it. Werewolf or not, Derek was still a dude. Falling in love with a guy was so not in Stiles' plans for the future. "Yeah, let's play. I'm so gonna beat your ass."
A half hour later they both fell asleep on the couch with the music from the game roaring in their ears.
When the hangover hit them the next morning, Stiles tried to convince Scott to stay as long as possible. With a serious headache and a nausea that threatened to keep Scott in the bathroom forever, he agreed. "Can't go home like this, my mom would have a fit." He called her and told her that he'd go directly to Allison when he left Stiles' house. After ending the call he turned to Stiles. "I wish that we one day could have a double date. I'll help you find someone."
Stiles watched as Scott covered his mouth and ran to the bathroom once more. His friend was seriously hung over. Except for a lurking headache, Stiles was fine. He felt sorry for Scott, not only because he was sick, but even if he didn't lie to him last night, Stiles still felt bad about keeping secrets from him.
When the time for Scott's departure closed in, Stiles started to shiver. Knowing that he'd be alone in the house for about eighteen more hours, he wondered how he could keep Derek away. He wanted to let him in. He wanted him desperately, but it could not continue like this. As he locked the door behind Scott, Stiles decided to stay in the living room. After making sure that his window was still latched, he looked at the note he'd put up and decided to leave it there. It would probably not fool Derek, but at least he might take it as a sign.
Stiles grabbed his blanket and went downstairs to sleep on the couch. If Derek showed up he'd see the note and know that Stiles didn't want him to come inside. He made himself comfortable, and it didn't take more than a few minutes before he was fast asleep.
The sound of the doorbell penetrated his ear and Stiles jumped up from the couch. He looked at the clock. It was almost two, and in his half asleep state, he was pretty sure it was Derek leaning on the button. He had a fight with himself before he ran to the laundry room and closed the door behind him. The sound was somewhat muffled in there and Stiles emptied the hamper, tucking the clothes in the washing machine, and started it to make sure that he wouldn't hear the bell anymore.
It didn't work. He grabbed a pair of socks and used them as earmuffs before he sunk down on the floor. A couple of clean sheets were within reach. He tucked himself in them and tried to ignore the sound.
A few minutes later he felt a vibration in his pocket. His phone was ringing. Stiles picked it out and could see that it was Derek calling him. He pressed the ignore button and tucked it back into his pocket.
When he again felt a vibration he picked it out and noticed that he'd got a text message. With shaking hands he opened the message. "You should let me in. I could always tear down the door, you know."