I did not want to start this with a rant but I am afraid that one is coming anyway. There are things that will happen in this chapter that I wasn't actually ready for, that I am bringing forward due to anger. Namely anger at Christian. What the hell is going on with him? For ages Sy has gotten away with things and Christian just turned a blind eye and now suddenly when he has a leg to stand on and needs to have serious relationship talks with the man he has committed to spending his life with Christian is being all weird with him, stealing benches and calling him a 'devious gay con man'. If I regret anything I write in this chapter I will do a re-write. There will be some Christian bashing in this chapter so you are forewarned. I am not going to write much Christian scenes in this either as I know I am too cross with him to write them without making him a jerk and (despite what's going on at the moment) he is not a jerk. Damn I wish I hadn't put in Julian at the end of the last chapter! Sorry if this goes against any chryed fans but I do still love the lads and still want them together but Christian is really getting on my wick! Also I am so sorry I did have chapter breaks in the previous uploads but looking back they have never uploaded so I will now be using ! to show a break. It must have been confusing as I changed perspective, I should have checked earlier. Sorry!

Kuroseed

Ch 4: The responsibility of others

"You can go if you like. Cancel on him." Christian muttered trying to grab hold of Syed arm but failing.

"No!" Syed practically yelled pulling away from Christian his body tucked in tight against itself. "No." He repeated softer to the floor. "I…I owe him this much. To be here…this time."

"What happened?" Christian asked. He had often tired to get Syed to tell him about his past but the young man had always been evasive. He was good at evasive. Syed couldn't look up, couldn't look at the man he still loved and have him know. He hated that Christian had seen some of the worst that he could do, and this, this was bad.

"Let's just say, it makes my reaction after the first time me and you…well it makes it look nice, pleasant, amiable even."

"Sy…"

"I accused him of taking me by force." He admitted in a low whisper. Christian's hand went over his mouth in shock. Syed didn't look at him, he didn't have to. He felt sick, little waves of nausea went through him. He was done with having Christian Clarke judge him, hate him. He turned and walked into his room where he could shut the door, where his diploma for his massage course hung, little signs of achievement, it made him feel better. He sat on his bench and waited. The knock made him jump.

"Come in." He yelled, hoping it might be Christian or even better Cassie telling him that Julian hadn't shown up. It wasn't.

He had gotten older, for some reason Syed hadn't been expecting that, had still been expecting that seventeen year old boy to come in through the door in the same outfit he had last seen him in. He wished it was easier, that maybe now they were men it would all make sense, that time and experience might turn it into some trivial encounter that they could talk over, laugh at and overcome. If anything it was harder. Syed felt his guts clench together as he looked at him, all hope of being professional or grownup evaporated. He was taller now, even taller than Christian, and built, his shoulders broad and defined, the shapes thrown by the muscles distorting the lines of the loose tan T-shirt he was wearing. His waist narrowing to meet the simple black cargo trousers he wore beneath it making his chest an impressive triangle form. His hair was cut short to his scalp, still blue-grey like smoke it covered the top of his hair like pelt. His eyes were still that deep blue, his jaw was more defined now and clean shaven. They just stared at each other for what felt like forever before he broke the spell by closing the door.

"Julian." Syed whispered trying to pretend he didn't hear the quiver in his own voice. The look of hurt was so visible in the other man that Syed had to look away.

"You never called me that." His voice was lower than it had been, a deep timber even, it seemed to vibrate around the small room.

"Jules." He corrected and tried for a small smile, he was relieved when one was returned.

"Sid." He flinched at the name.

"No one calls me that." He muttered, not really knowing if he was asking him to stop or not.

"I do." Jules replied taking control of the situation with those two words and an ominous step forward. Syed floundered, he hated not being in control and fought to regain his composure.

"Well if you would care to get on the bed we can start. Is there anywhere in particular…" Syed's little monologue was cut off when Jules grabbed his wrist holding him tightly.

"I didn't come for a massage." He was still talking in that calm serious tone, Syed was reminded of his grandfather and he was suddenly afraid. He glanced over at the door, and tried to calm himself, Christian was on the other side of the door he reminded himself. Christian wouldn't let him come to any harm. His minds eye flashed a picture in his head, Christian stood in front of him in their flat, soon to be just Christian's again, his eyes fixed on him with such a hard look. 'I am sick of you being my responsibility'. His blood went cold, no he couldn't rely on Christian anymore. Some of his fear must have shown in his eyes because immediately Jules let go of him and took a step back. "I just wanted to talk to you." He said with a softer tone. "My friend is investing in a new club, the Wild Que. You were in half the publicity shots you know? It was like seeing a ghost." He explained his eyes running up and down Syed's face gently. Syed had forgotten how gentle Jules always was, especially with him.

"How did you find out I was here?" Syed asked.

"I googled you." Jules admitted sheepishly and Syed rewarded him with a little breathy laughter and they both relaxed a little. With everything that had happened it was easy to forget that they had been best friends for years.

"So what do you want to talk about?" Syed asked, his demeanour calmer now, his body language less stiff.

"Lots of things." Jules admitted casually. "Like how you went from me and you to dancing drunk in a gay bar." He raised one eyebrow and Syed looked away hanging his head like a caught child.

"We might need more than a half an hour for that one." Syed rolled his eyes. Softly Jules lay one of his large hands over Syed's.

"Ok, why don't we have dinner tomorrow night?" There was a silence. "I only live in London, well just outside, but y'know…" He started to babble nervously and Syed looked at him fondly through a sweep of dark hair, he was still the same Jules swinging from stoic to jumpy in a second. "I think there may be bits of Scotland that get called London now days. So I can come in anytime really it's not a big deal." Syed moved his hand so he could squeeze Jules's hand, marvelling at the calluses on his palm for a moment.

"I would love to have dinner with you tomorrow." Syed reassured.

"Right. Great." The relief was evident on his face for a second before vanishing. "You do know that by dinner I meant…well…you aren't going out with anyone at the moment are you?"

"No." It felt like a lie, maybe he would always feel like he belonged with Christian, belonged to Christian, the thought hit like a hollow drum beat inside him. "and I know a great place to eat, it's this little restaurant near here. I'll try and get us a table. Here, take my number." They faffed with their phones swapping numbers for a moment. "I'll call you let you know times and directions."

"Ok. It's a date." Jules said firmly his piercing eyes on Syed who shivered slightly at the implication.

"Yeah, yeah it is." He agreed.

!

"I can't believe I agreed to go on a date with him." Syed moaned to Tanya as they sat in her front room a cup of tea in his hands. "What was I thinking? I don't know what to do on a gay date? What if there are rules? Codes?"

"A secret handshake!" Tanya mocked.

"It's not funny." He reprimand.

"Oh come on Syed you were with a guy for over a year. Not to mention all that time sneaking around. Just do what you did on your dates with Christian."

"Oh please! We never dated! We had sex in alleyways!" He bit back.

"Well that's more than I wanted to know." A male voice muttered. Syed blushed furiously as he turned to see Max. "I'm here to pick up the girls." He added to Tanya.

"Don't you think that you should knock before entering a private discussion?" Syed yelled at him.

"Greg let me in." Max and Greg still hated each other but they had come to some sort of agreement when it came to Syed, they both hated him. It was as if they didn't believe he was really gay and might be trying to swoop in and steal Tanya from them, giving them an uneasy truce. Greg hadn't cared one way or the other until Syed had briefly moved in after his break up with Christian and he had caught Tanya on the couch with Syed hugging him as he slept. Max on the other hand had hated him from the get go. Tanya didn't help by fawning over Syed telling him how pretty she thought he was and moaning that it was so unfair that he was gay all the time. "Besides I think it's a bit worse to be screaming about your sex life when there are young girls in the house don't you?" Syed opened his mouth to reply but couldn't think of anything, it wasn't fair, especially when he had no sex life to scream about in the first place. As if on cue Greg came in with some of the girls things. "What's up with Tanya's little pet?" Max asked elbowing Greg in the side.

"Oh don't mind him, the guy that popped his cherry is in town and he's having a bit of a tizz." He replied cruelly.

"Tanya!" Syed glared at his so called friend.

"What? He wanted to know what was wrong?" Syed sighed and threw on his jacket.

"I knew I should have kept this to myself. Can't talk to you, Philippe thinks it's hilarious, who else do I have? My mum!"

"Well there is someone…" Syed turned just before leaving and stared at her. "Christian." She offered. Syed just snorted and left banging the door behind him. He sat on the bench and glared at the world.

Across the square his father went about his rounds. He wanted to go to him, to have his father help him, tell him what to do, wasn't that what fathers did? He could still remember what his father had told him about dating girls when he was a teenager. He had sat on the end of his bed and stared doe eyes with wonder as he father talked about respect and what good Muslim girls were looking for and how important love was and patience and faith. He hadn't had the heart to tell his father that he had already been on dates before and that he found girl's easy, a nice smile and a few pretty words and they were happy. All that had mattered was his father wanted to have that talk with him. He looked into those serious eyes of the man he idolised and thought that this meant that his father was coming to respect him to be proud of him, that from this moment on they would be close in that way he had always dreamed of. He had later found out that his mother had nagged him into doing it. Syed didn't go to his father again, and he wouldn't now. Odds were his father wouldn't even acknowledge his existence. He couldn't go to Tamwar, he could still remember trying to give him advice on relationships after he had kissed Amira on his birthday. He was such a hypocrite, talking down to Tamwar while he was having an affair with his best friend. And then there was him. Christian. He had seen the look of disappointment on his face the other night and it had killed him. His first reaction was to want to apologise but then the anger had come up. As if Christian really cared about the ins and outs of his faith. His faith also had a bit of an issue with sodomy but he hadn't cared so much about that. Christian had in many ways told Syed how disappointed he was of him over the years since they had first kissed in the unit and frankly Syed was tired of it. If he was a wreck than Christian would have to take at least a little responsibility for that.

!

Syed looked at Philippe in the mirror desperately. His friend grinned back boyishly and draped his arms around his neck.

"Don't pout, you look stunning." He laughed into Syed's neck. Syed shrugged out of the embrace and frowned.

"I really don't see why everyone thinks this is so funny." Philippe played with the collar of Syed's brand new leather jacket.

"Because it is. It's a date Syed, not the apocalypse. Even if it's awful so friggin' what!" He sighed and looked at Syed's face so seriously. "I know what a big deal this is to you. Which is why I got you in at Romea. This is going to be good Syed, exorcise some of those old demons."

"What if he hates me?" Syed admitted his fear to his floor. Philippe lifted his chin and looked at him straight in the eyes.

"You are too pretty to hate." He complimented.

"Oh yeah! Care to test that theory on my parents? Because if you remember correctly dinner the other night wasn't the best." Syed shivered at the memory.

"They're not looking with their eyes." Philippe laughed. "I know it pretty much sucked. Listen if it really really gets awkward prank me and I'll ring with some desperate emergency that you need to help me with." Syed looked pathetically at his friend and then hugged him.

"Thanks you." He squeezed in tight.

"Now can I stay and meet Mr number one?" Philippe grinned hopefully.

"No way. If everything goes ok I'll ring you when I get back tonight."

"If everything goes ok ring me tomorrow morning after he's left." Philippe gave one little wink and then was gone. Leaving Syed to wait and dwell.

!

"So do you keep in touch with anyone still?" Syed asked trying to fill a silence that hadn't even happened yet as the waiter took their orders. Syed knew most of them by name, Philippe had made sure that they would get treated well. Jules looked around a little sceptical of the rich décor as the waiter in a starch stiffened uniform left briskly and tugged nervously at his own plain black T-shirt.

"No, not really." His cobalt eyes scanned the room again. "You come here often?" he asked incredulously.

"Not really that often. My friend has been coming here since it was a greasy spoon so I get mates rates." He explained. "If you don't like it we can go somewhere else."

"No, it's great. Just more than I was expecting." His eyes softened as he looked at Syed. "You know for years I hoped you would grow up to be ugly." They laughed. "But if anything you're even more handsome." Syed blushed uncomfortably. Jules looked away at his empty plate.

"You too." Syed's words were hardly audible, but Jules caught them and looked up across the table and gave the smallest smile.

"So, tell me, what happened to take you from…what happened…to now?" he took a sip of his water and rolled his eyes thinking where to start. "Ok, we'll take it one step at a time. You're coming out story, there always good. Go!" He fake commanded.

"I'm afraid you have to listen to the prequel first." Syed mocked.

"You never did things easy did you, Sid?" Jules shook his head in sympathy. "Alright, the prequel it is."

"I did a bad thing, embezzled from my family's business, I ruined them. It was so bad my dad threw me out, I wasn't allowed to have any contact with the family. For years I was all alone. Couldn't even drop them a line. It was horrible. Then I was allowed back. I started to work with my family again, even moved back in with them. Everything was good, I had my family back, I had this stunning girl from a very respectable family on my arm. Everything was perfect."

"The prodigal son returns then." Jules broke in. "So is this where the story starts for real?"

"Yup, because in walks Christian. The most…just…a god of a man, and it just gets harder and harder to pretend that I didn't want him. One day I snapped, kissed him, let him take me home. The next day I just pretended it never happened, wouldn't talk to him, when he forced me to I just denied him. But…it happened again. This time I reacted even worse, I asked the stunning respectable girl to marry me. All through the engagement me and Christian were on and off and by the time the wedding got close we weren't just messing about, we were in love. We even used those words. And then my dad got in this accident and I blamed Christian for it, saying it was a punishment from god because I was with him. I ended up getting married and me and Christian went back to being friends, really awkward in denial friends, but I couldn't stay away and things started between us again. There was this big flat warming party for me and my new brides flat and we walk in and there is written in pink over the wall 'Syed loves Christian'. Everything exploded, everyone knew, I left, left it all, her, my family, Christian. When I came back my family rejected me, it was horrible. I even tried to top myself. Won me enough sympathy to get me back home at least. I even tried to get cured of my gayness but big surprise that didn't work. In the end I choose him, went off with him, lived with him. Even planned to have a kid with him. And it didn't matter than my family pretended I was dead because I had him. But things just got harder, he listened to me, he just got all enthusiastic about things and just ran ahead. And of course I didn't want to rock the boat so I just kept the peace. Then we had this massive argument and he said he was sick of me being his responsibility and threw me out. That was a few months ago now. We're friends again, in fact he's my boss. I have friends, a flat, a life that mine. It's not too bad." Syed ended and almost believed it himself. "Come on, fairs fair, tell me yours." He didn't want to hear what Jules thought of his story.

"Well as you can imagine you spun for six. After all it was my first time..."

"With a guy?"

"With anyone, Sid." Guilt swept over him and he muttered his apology before letting Jules continue. "So I didn't really see anyone seriously until my third year of uni where I met this guy called Brandon. I resisted for ages, told him repeatedly that I didn't do relationships that I was more a quickie behind the lecture theatre kinda guy. But he just wouldn't let up. It took an entire year before I'd even tell him I liked him. After uni we moved in together, I insisted we keep it from my parents which caused certain strains on our relationship. Finally, he told me after three years if I didn't tell them he was leaving; so I told them. They took it better than I was expecting. They don't hate me or anything but I think they would prefer if I wasn't. But generally everything was fine until one evening granddad came around unexpectedly when me and Brandon were there. Mum kept referring to Brandon as my 'good friend' and then right in the middle of dessert granddad asks if that's her way of saying that we were 'ass bandits' and this huge screaming match breaks out. And Brandon turns to me and says that if I don't stand up for him he's going…and I let him go. I just sat there. When I got back to our place all his stuff was gone. I've seen people since but nothing serious. When I saw your picture I ended up telling my friend all about you, he was the one who said I should look you up. He took psychology and now things that gives his license to dictate what's best for everyone." Jules took Syed's hand gently as their food arrived. "But I'm glad he did. It's nice to see you again, Sid."

"You too, Jules." He smiled shyly, suddenly very aware of his hand in Jules's.

"So you and this guy, this Christian, are you over?"

"I don't know." Syed replied honestly. "A while ago I would have said yes, but lately I get the feeling he might be interested in me again. We've been having these dinners together…but I dunno. Sometimes when I let him close again all I hear is something he said, something he yelled at me. Little sounds bites form the evening he chucked me out. He called me 'a devious gay con man'.

"And are you?" Jules tired to joke.

"I was." Syed admitted coldly. "And…well…have you ever had this part of you that you hate, something you did, or something that you are, that makes you feel sick every time you even think about it, to then find out that that is how the person that you love thinks of you." Syed shook his head. "I don't know how to get past that."

"We all say things in the heat of the moment…"

"It was more than that." Syed cut through. "When he said that, he meant it. Christian was the first person I let see me. Really see me, without hiding anything. Without pretending. He didn't get Syed Masood the good Muslim boy, the prodigal son as you said, he didn't get the person I built for myself, he got me and he got it all. And all he saw was this evil little screw up, and I don't think I'll ever be able to see myself as anything else through his eyes."

"Hey." Jules whispered catching the signs of tears in Syed's eyes, leaning in close, grabbing his shoulder with one hand and holding it tight. "You are not an evil screw up." Syed stared into his blue eyes and dared for one moment to believe him. "You're not." He repeated with conviction.

!

Christian sat in the queen vic spinning his ice around his gin and tonic with his stirrer absently. He was thinking about Syed, it was getting to be a bit of an obsession now. He had heard from Lee that Syed had agreed to go on a date with this Julian fella. He clenched his jaw at the thought, he hated it. He was so preoccupied that he didn't even see Tamwar sit down at his table. He didn't even look up until he heard him cough slightly.

"Tamwar, how's married life?" he tired to be casual.

"Umm…yeah it's great." He replied awkwardly. "Can we talk?"

"Thought we were." Christian pointed out with a grin he didn't believe.

"I meant about Syed."

So that's another chapter, hopefully Christian will get back to normal soon so I can write him again. Also I don't know if Sy should sleep with Jules. I think I only want to do it as some weird revenge on Christian so don't want to rush into it. Any thoughts?

Kuroseed