Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 4 - Bittersweet Homecoming
The next two and a half weeks fly by even though I don't want them to; I'm not ready to face him. It had been his birthday last week and I had completely ignored it. My mobile has been turned off almost completely. The only time it is on is when I landed in Alaska.
I turned it on to text him to say I landed safely then turned it back off. There were missed calls from everyone, my parents, Alice, Carlisle, Esme and Edward. There were texts but I just didn't have the strength to read them. I am only just holding myself together.
I know they had been in touch with Rose too. It's unusual that she would stay the whole tour with me, she usually only comes to the major events.
But she knows.
She knows something major has gone down and she's the only link to me for the people on the outside world. I know they appreciate it.
She's been smart enough to keep her mouth shut too and even managed to convince Alice, twice, that flying out would be an epically bad idea. She knows I won't talk and that the pixie won't give up.
To be honest, I think for the first time ever, she was actually scared of me and what I might do, if it wasn't so sad it would be hilariously funny because Rosalie Hale McCarthy is not scared of shit and is the biggest bad ass I know.
I finally make it home and it doesn't feel the same.
I manage to field off Alice for myself, she backs down eventually when I tell her that by the time she drive over here, I'll have left and she'll not see me again until I'm ready.
I mean it.
And she knows it.
I'll go off to a cabin in the woods or a motel and shut out the world. I've done it once before. When we where 17 and my beloved grandmother died. At least this way she has Edward looking after me or so she thinks.
It appears that Esme hasn't shared my mental break down with anyone except, maybe, my husband and her own. I don't even know if she told him or if he told her about the maybe baby riddle?
Yeah, I still haven't taken the test.
I'm missing my third period as we speak and am still only being able stomach eating rare cooked steak and eggs of any form with hot sauce. I refuse to take it alone and I don't really want anyone around me just now so I guess I'm at a bit of a catch twenty two.
I decide it's now or never. I need to talk to Edward and get this seen to if it's true. It's irresponsible of me not to. I pick up the phone and ring his office. I need to know that he'll be home tonight.
"Good afternoon Doctor Cullen's office, Jessica speaking, how may I help you?"
I grit my teeth barely, I can't stand Jessica. She's a meddling, gossiping twit who flirts with Edward to no end
"Jessica, its Bella, is he there?"
"Oh hi Bella, can't find your husband again?" She spit's out
"Just answer the question Jessica"
"He's in surgery right now. I can take a message if you want, at least I'm guaranteed he'll see and speak to me today" She replies smugly causing me to grit my teeth even harder.
"When does his shift finish?"
"He's here till five but you never know he might find something interesting to keep him around, in fact I think Dr. Victoria Smith was going to ask him to scrub in with her, should be an interesting surgery so I wouldn't count on him coming home"
I hang up before I say something I'll regret. I go and take a shower trying to relieve some of the tension from my muscles.
My hand goes over my stomach and I know my suspicions are right. My lower stomach is solid and extended ever so slightly. It wouldn't be noticeable to anyone else but I know my body.
Once I'm done I get out and go the kitchen to make something to eat. After I've eaten I literally just sit and watch the clock. Five o'clock comes and goes. As does six and seven.
Before I even realize it I'm in my car heading to the hospital. When I arrive he's not there the night nurse Angela is there. We've been friends since high school.
She informs me that the Denali's are in town with their daughter, Tanya, otherwise known as my in laws best college friends and Edward's high school sweetheart. Tanya was also the girl who broke Edwards heart right before he agreed to our marriage. Angela goes on to tell me that Edward, Carlisle and Esme are out to dinner with them and that Jessica knew that they had planned to go.
She then asks me what I'm doing home early which confuses me. She shows me Edward's calendar.
There in Jessica's messy scrawl is my name and return time but it's marked in for tomorrow. The fucking bitch knew I was back today; I made sure to tell her three times before I left.
I tell Angela what she's been doing and she's almost as angry as I am, almost. She tells me she'll tell Jessica's supervisor what she's been playing at.
I get back to my car and just felt like giving up. I got home and just started cleaning. God knows why but it relaxes me.
I hear his car pulling up and look at the clock, it's the back of one in the morning, must have been one hell of a reunion. I hear him come in and his step falters slightly when he notices the lights are on and my case's are still in the hall.
I hadn't 100% decided what I was going to be doing so I left them there just in case.
He makes his way to the kitchen where I've spent the majority of the night cleaning things. I keep my back to him, as I face the sink scrubbing some more silverware.
"Your home?" He finally says
"Yup"
"But you're not due home till tomorrow? I was going to meet you at the ferry dock. Did you come home early?" He says sounding slightly hopeful
"Nope"
"Then how..."
"Because your assistant is a twisted bitch" I say harshly
"What?" He sounds shocked
"I told Jessica three times that I was coming home today, but she put it in you calendar as tomorrow. She also knew at two o'clock this afternoon that not only was I home but that I would be here waiting for you at five, which is when she told me you finished. She never mentioned dinner with the Denali's even though it's clearly marked on you calendar and she obviously knew"
"She didn't tell me you had phoned or that you where home" He says weakly
"Yeah, because this is the first time that something like this has ever happened." I scoff
"I don't know why she's doing this"
"God, you must really walk bout with blinkers on sometimes Edward" I say as my irritation grows.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean Bella?" He replies angrily
I turn and lean my back against the sink looking at him. He's standing in the door way looking guarded and a little scared. He's looking at me as if he's never seen me before and I suppose to him I do look like a stranger.
I'm not his best friend anymore.
I'm numb.
"Well, dear husband" I say sarcastically
"Considering you can't see it, I'll spell it out for you. She wants you. She wants to be Mrs. Edward Cullen. She wants your body, your money and the name with the advantages it gives. Although she seems to be warming up to my stand in, I hear you and Vicky are a great wee team at work" I spit before turning back around to the sink.
"Nothing happened with Vicky, she's a colleague" He whispers
"Whatever Edward"
"No Bella, you're not hearing me, she's just a colleague, and she's the wife of one of the hospital board members. So I had to be hospitable to her or it would start a shit storm"
I ignore him and continue cleaning the silverware. I hear him taking a step in the door, slowly as if testing to see if I'll bolt.
"Are we going to talk about what happened before you left? Or what happened in New York? Mom said you really scared her and to be honest your scaring the shit out of me too baby girl"
I grit my teeth. I can't have him calling me cute pet names when there isn't the sentiment that is meant to be there behind it.
"Don't call me that"
"Why Bella? I've always called you that"
"I don't want you to do it anymore, it's Bella or nothing"
"Why Bella? I don't understand what's going on? I'm trying to understand, I know your hurt but I'm trying to fix this"
"There's nothing to talk about, I've accepted it for what it is. All I'm asking is that you don't fake the sentiment. Just be up front and honest with me, stop acting like you love me when you don't"
"But I do love you" He whispers pained
"Fine I'll simplify it for you, stop acting like you in love with me, the pet names, holding hands, cuddling against me in bed and breathing me in, the little innocent kisses on my neck that don't lead anywhere, just stop it, it's misleading and unfair. Do that and we won't have an issue? We'll still be friends, even with the benefits if that's what you want but we'll both know exactly where we stand"
"So that's it? You made the decisions and you're not even going to talk to me about it"
"What is there to talk about Edward? This is the only way I can handle doing this to give you what you want"
"This isn't what I want, I want you and there's a lot to talk about Bella" He says angrily
"Like what?" I spit back
"Why didn't you tell me Bella?" He asks sounding hurt
I grip onto the sink for dear life because he's confusing the hell out of me; he has no right being hurt here. I'm the one sacrificing myself for his happiness.
"Tell you what?"
I jump slightly when I feel him behind me, pressing his chest to my back and his right hand covering my left one over my womb, which has once again, subconsciously, moved over it as if offering protection. He pulls me to him holding me closely then whispers quietly into my ear
"The baby Bella, why didn't you tell me about the baby?"
"Because I had nothing to tell" I say while try unsuccessfully to swallow down the tears in my eyes.
All my angry instantly drains, I'm not numb when he touch's me.
I'm fragile.
Vulnerable.
Breakable.
I can't stand it.
There's a lump in my throat that won't shift and my hearts pounding.
"What do you mean you had nothing to tell? Was what Vicky said bout the craving's wrong? Aren't you pregnant?" He continues to talk to me softly and holds me close to him.
"I don't know" I whisper turning my head away from him.
"What do you mean Bella?"
"I mean I don't know for definite if I'm pregnant or not. I was too scared to take the test alone so I haven't done it"
"Oh Bella, is that why you were at my room that night?" He whispers sadly and all I can do is nod and cry silently.
"And that's why you broke down to Mom?" And again I can only nod as he holds me a little tighter.
"Why didn't you tell me Bella?"
"What difference would it have made? You had to work"
"I would have found a way to get out of it"
"Right, so you could get out of it if I told you I thought I was pregnant but not to talk to me when I made the effort to come and see you after we had been having problems. Thanks Edward, nice way of letting me know how I rank in your life" I say angrily as a try to pull myself out of his hold.
"Hey, don't you dare ever say that. I was trying to find a way to get out of it when you told me you couldn't make it the next day. I wanted us to talk. I was trying to get away when Dad appeared and more or less warned me to stay the hell away from you. He told me that you were with Mom and if I valued my life or our life together, if I cared about you at all, that I would give you space. He told me that he better never see you in that state again over me or he'd take you to the lawyer himself, damn the appearances. You really frightened them Bella. Mom was convinced that you where going to do something stupid."
"I would never do that to her...or you"
"I hoped you wouldn't but I was so scared Bella. When Rose phoned the next day she said you were okay but that you were just going through the motions, I was relieved but still so scared"
"It was all I could handle"
"I know. I was the same. I was lost without you" He cuddled into my neck
"It's not the same Edward"
"Yes it is"
"No it's not, you where missing your friend. I'm missing my heart" I tremble trying not to break.
"It's the same Bella"
"No it's not"
"Yes it is"
"Are you in love with me Edward? Do you feel physical pain in your chest when we are apart? Does it feel like you can't breathe when I'm not here?"
He doesn't reply and it's all the answer I need.
"See it's not the same" I pull away from him and head to the hall way.
"Where are you going?" He asks fearfully
"The bathroom. There's a test you need me to take" I say and even I hear that my voice sounds dead.
A minute later I'm sitting out in the hallway on the floor waiting the five minutes for the tests to be ready. He comes and sits opposite and stares at me. He looks scared, but whether it's because of the tests or me, I'm not sure.
"So how late are you?"
"I've missed three periods, I'm supposed to be having one just now" I mumble not looking at him, but staring at out wedding picture on the wall.
"Three?" I can hear the shock in his voice
"Yes Edward, three! I didn't want to take the test alone and I couldn't exactly drop into my doctors when I was away. I have an appointment for tomorrow. Or I guess later today. To be honest, it never really clicked until two days before New York"
"But that was over two weeks ago, how could you not have considered it before that?"
"I thought it was stress from what was happening with us, plus I never really sleep or eat so great when I'm on the road or away from you" I was being brutally honest. I just didn't see the point of holding back.
"I don't sleep so great when your away either. I Miss. you cuddling into me" He says looking at me. I think he's hoping that I'll look at him too but I can't. We just sit there for a Moment before I whisper back.
"It's you who cuddles into me"
"What?"
"I said it's you who cuddles into me, you fall asleep on your back then you turn to your side and pull me too you until I'm wrapped around you. You move and shimmy about until my leg is over your waist, my hand is on your chest and my head is over your heart, then you put your head down to my hair, breath in deep and relax into a deeper sleep, not letting me go for the rest of the night" I say quietly
"I do?"
"Yeah, there's some nights I can't get my brain to turn off, so I lie there awake thinking and you do it every time without a doubt, it was one of the things I loved most about you. It made me feel safe and wanted. That's why I moved to the guest room. I can't keep letting things like that and everything I mentioned before delude into thinking this is more than it really is"
I look at him and he looks so sad and hurt, as if I have slapped him but I don't really have the energy to care.
"I didn't know"
"Well now you do" I turn back to the wall
"So have you been okay? You know like morning sickness or anything?" He asks and watches as my hand goes to my stomach as if it is a natural instinct.
"I'm fine, no morning sickness, just nausea, craving rare steak and eggs of any kinds with hot sauce, had some dizzy spells, my backs been really uncomfortable and my chest's been a little tender the past two days. My stomachs solid and ever so slightly swollen"
He looks at me curiously. He can't see the changes because of the big hoodie I'm again wearing. He's about to say something when the timer on my mobile goes off telling me the tests is ready. I stand up and sweep myself off. I don't even bother to see if he's following me or not. I just went straight to the tests.
I closed my eyes then took a big cleansing breath before opening them and looking at them. There are two pink lines on both of the tests I took.
I'm pregnant.
I feel Edward hold me from behind again and snuggling his face into my neck
"Your pregnant" He whispers "You're actually pregnant, we're having a baby"
His hand is covering mine again but soon it travels down to the seam of the hoodie and goes under it so he's skin to skin with my belly, he's skin to skin with his baby. I know he feels the slight swelling from the sharp intake of breath I hear next to my ear. He caresses my stomach as if it's made of the finest crystal.
Such love and care.
"That's our baby in there, it's part of you and me mixing together making this tiny little person, thank you Bella, thank you for being my wife and thank you for having my baby. I don't deserve you"
He starts kissing my neck and all I can do is whimper but I'm confused whether it's from pain or my want for him.
"Edward, please don't"
"Let me fix this baby girl, please let me make this better Bella. I need you in my life, both of you. I can't function without you Bella. Please baby girl let me fix this, let me worship and make love to you the way you deserve"
I shake my head no. I can't handle that. "Don't, you can't say they things to me because of the baby"
"I'm not Bella; I would still have been saying this if you weren't pregnant. I need to fix this, I want to fix this - fix us. I do love you Bella and it's more than I think you realize. Please Bella, let me show you"
He continued kissing and caressing my neck, but I couldn't let him make love to me if he didn't mean it in his heart.
"No please Edward, just fuck me, don't make me promises we can't keep"
"I'm not going to fuck you Bella; I'm going to show you how I feel about you"
He continued his assault on my neck, softly and caring but all I could feel was the pain in my chest getting worse. It felt like it was taking over everywhere and I couldn't breath. A full scale panic attack came on within a matter of seconds and I was helpless to stop it.
I could hear Edward trying to talk me down but it wasn't helping. Having him touch me, care for me, pretend for my sake, wasn't helping. The room started to spin then the welcomed blackness came.
The pain was gone for just a Moment.