Chapter 4

No, Jane. Come on. Stay.

Those had been Maura's last words to Jane before the kidnapping, and they had been knocking around in Jane's head ever since. If Joe Harris had killed Maura as planned, they would have been the last words she ever heard that sweet voice say. What if she had listened to Maura, stayed in her office? Could she have kept her from going out to that fake crime scene, or insisted on going with her? Maura might be her usual cheery self now, instead of being…changed, in some profound way. Jane wasn't sure what it all meant, but there was no question that she was not her usual self.

It had been a month since the kidnapping, and Maura still wasn't talking about it.

Jane knew she had given a formal statement, but she wasn't allowed to look at the file since she wasn't supposed to be working the case. No one would tell her anything. She could only hope they were making progress in finding her stalker. It made her feel helpless, and seeing Maura struggle made her feel even worse. Jane didn't know what she'd done to piss the stalker off, but no doubt she'd done something. Maura hadn't done anything. She didn't deserve to be dragged into this, not at all.

Their friendship was in a very strange place. In some ways, Jane felt like there was a gulf between them, because Maura was clearly having a very difficult time with the kidnapping, but she still wouldn't talk openly about it. If Jane mentioned it, Maura would start going on about what she was doing to cope, what Melanie had said during their last session, how she was working on averting the symptoms of PTSD. Jane wasn't sure how well that was going, since Maura was still having a lot of nightmares, including some really bad ones where she woke up screaming and it took a few minutes to get her to understand where she was. She'd also had a few more instances where she threw up during autopsies, which was completely unlike her. She didn't have much appetite, period. Food just didn't seem to taste good to her anymore. Even Angela's lasagna seemed to turn her stomach, and she loved Angela's cooking. Jane was really worried.

In other ways, though, they felt closer than ever. In fact, it almost felt like they were married, strangely enough. Jane was still sleeping in Maura's bed at night so she could calm her down when the nightmares struck. It made them both feel better. Jane had been unable to sleep at Frankie's ever since the kidnapping. All she could think about was Maura, how she was supposed to die in that abandoned asylum. Her stalker had to be pissed that the plan hadn't worked. Jane was afraid he would send someone else to finish the job, and once again, she wouldn't be there to protect Maura. She felt better having Maura at her side most of the time, where she knew she was safe. They'd get into bed at night and just read or talk for a while, and when Maura was ready to sleep, she would curl up against Jane, who would hold her close. It felt good, sleeping like that, but Jane tried not to enjoy it too much. She knew it couldn't last.

She was just wrapping up her work one day, planning to head downstairs and pick up Maura in a few minutes, when she got a text message from Kent: I think you'd better come down here right away. She grabbed her things and rushed to the elevator, mind racing. Had Maura thrown up again? Worse, had she gone catatonic again? She had done that a few times, just gone completely blank for a little bit, and it terrified Jane.

Kent met her at the elevators in the basement. "She went out the funeral directors' door and she's just standing there. Didn't answer when I called her name."

"What happened right before that?" Jane asked him, walking with him towards the door.

"I gave her Joe Harris's autopsy report. She had asked to see it when it was finished. One minute she was reading it in her office, and then she was walking out of the building, like she was in a hurry."

"Was there anything alarming in the report?"

"Not at all. Cause of death was a gunshot wound to the chest. The cut she gave him didn't contribute to that. He had no preexisting health conditions that I could find. His DNA wasn't in the system. Everything was as we expected."

"Just reading about Joe Harris was probably enough," Jane sighed. She pushed the door open.

Maura was standing behind the building, hugging herself, looking small and alone. She looked up when she saw Jane approaching.

"Jane," she said softly. "I'm not sure what happened. I…I don't remember how I got out here."

The words sent a chill down Jane's spine. "Kent says you walked out after reading Joe Harris's autopsy report."

Maura seemed to recoil at the name. "I…I think I remember him handing me the report."

"He said it was nothing unexpected." She slipped an arm around Maura. "You've had a long day. Why don't we get your things, pick up some dinner, and head home?"

Maura nodded. "That sounds good. I need…I need to get home."

"You need some rest," Jane agreed. She gave Maura a quick squeeze and guided her back into the building. She knew Maura had gone to see Melanie on her lunch break today, and she wondered if she'd been forced to relive some unpleasant details during the session. She just wished Maura would talk to her more so she would know how to take better care of her.

They picked up some Chinese food on the way home. Maura was still very distracted; Jane had to ask her three times what she wanted. As soon as they got into the house, Maura said she had to use the bathroom and ran upstairs, still carrying her purse. Jane sure hoped she wasn't throwing up again.

She went to the kitchen and got dishes out, setting out their food on the counter. Then she waited. The house felt quiet, empty. Jane checked her phone for messages and glanced through Facebook, but two questions kept bugging her. First: why did Maura go upstairs to use the bathroom when there was one down here? Second: why did she take her purse upstairs with her?

And now there was a third question starting to scratch at her brain: what the hell was taking her so long?

She decided it was time to go investigate, make sure everything was okay. She went up the stairs slowly, not wanting to startle Maura, which was easy enough to do since the kidnapping. "Maura, are you okay up there?" she called as she walked up. "The food's going to get cold."

Not getting an answer, she stepped into the bedroom, where she heard a sound that made her blood run cold: sobbing. Not quiet, restrained sobbing, but loud, depths-of-despair sobs. Maura was crying like the world was ending, and Jane couldn't even see where she was.

"Maura?" she called again, panic creeping into her voice. She hadn't heard Maura cry like this since the time Constance was hit by a car and nearly killed. Walking around to the other side of the bed, and she finally saw her. She was sitting on the floor, arms around her knees, clutching a small, white object. She looked up at Jane helplessly, her beautiful hazel eyes filled with pain.

"Sweetie, what's going on?" Jane asked gently. She knelt in front of Maura, putting her hands on the blonde's knees.

"I can't…" Maura gulped. She held her hands out, presenting Jane with the thing she was holding, looking deeply ashamed.

Jane had seen one of these before, but it still took her a moment to realize what it was.

It was a pregnancy test. The little window was showing a plus sign.

Deep in her brain, she knew exactly what was going on, but it seemed to take time for this understanding to reach the forefront of her mind. The reality just seemed too unbearable to acknowledge.

"You're…you're pregnant?" she said slowly.

Maura nodded, tears streaming down her face.

"How…how? How can you be pregnant? You haven't…"

Maura shook her head frantically, and then the horrible truth finally arrived in the front of Jane's brain, where she could no longer ignore it.

"Joe Harris?" she asked, her voice barely more than a whisper.

Maura flinched at the name, but she nodded.

"I…I asked you if he hurt you," Jane said, feeling almost betrayed.

"He did," Maura said tearfully. "He hurt me."

"Oh, Maura." Jane pulled the trembling woman into her arms and held her close, feeling like her heart had dropped down into her stomach. This was her worst fear, a fear she couldn't even bring herself to name before now. Her Maura, her sweet, precious Maura, who had never done anything wrong, had been hurt in the worst way possible and was now pregnant, faced with an impossible choice, all because someone hated Jane.

"Maura," Jane said, her voice breaking, "why didn't you tell me?"

Maura looked up at her, gasping for air. "He did it to hurt you," she choked out. "I didn't want you to be hurt. I thought…if I just didn't tell you…"

Jane closed her eyes. It was too much. Maura was too good for her, too good for anyone in this world, really, and yet she was the one being made to suffer. And even in the moment of her greatest suffering, her first thought had been for Jane's wellbeing instead of her own.

"I don't know what to do," Maura sobbed. "I don't know what to do."

Jane looked down at her. She had to weigh, what, 120 pounds, tops? Jane lifted more than that at the gym. Carefully, very carefully, she snaked one arm under Maura's knees, the other around her back, and then stood slowly, lifting her in her arms. She put the distraught woman into her bed and then lay down beside her, wrapping her arms around her.

"You don't have to have his baby," she said softly. "I can take you someplace, have it taken care of. No one even has to know. I'll look after you."

"But, what if this is my last chance, to have a baby?" Maura asked plaintively. "You lost yours. What if…what if there's never another one?"

"It is your baby," Jane acknowledged. "If you want to have it, then do it. I'll take care of you, like you did for me. I'll help you with the baby. I think you'd be an amazing mother."

"But…what if the baby looks like him, and it affects my ability to bond with it?"

Jane blew out her breath. "Well, then I don't know."

Maura's tears began anew. "I don't know what to do!"

"I know. I know, sweetie. You don't have to decide right now. Whatever you do, though, I'm here for you."

"Thank you, Jane," Maura breathed. "I…he said it was nothing personal. He said he was just following orders."

"When he…hurt you?"

She nodded. "He dragged me to that dirty old bed and chained me to the headboard. He said he was just going to get it over with. Then he took my pants off." Her face crumpled and a wail escaped. She pressed her face to Jane's chest. "I resisted, but he hit me a lot, and there was only so much I could do with my hands chained."

Jane pulled her closer and ran her fingers through her hair. "Hey, don't be silly. There wasn't much you could have done." Jane could see it in her mind: Maura, frightened, probably crying the way she was now, trying desperately to defend herself against that bastard while he beat her into submission. Maura should never have been subjected to that kind of violence, never. If Jane had known what he'd done to her when she found him…

"I tried to talk him out of it, but he said he had to!" Maura continued.

"He was a monster, okay?" Jane said fiercely. "You can't reason with a monster. I'm glad he's dead."

"Me too," Maura admitted. "I took emergency contraception when I was at the emergency room. I didn't think I would get pregnant."

For fuck's sake, was there no justice in this world? She did everything right, and it still ended up all wrong. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. You didn't deserve any of this."

"It's okay. It's not your fault."

Yes it is, Jane wanted to say, but she knew she had to be very careful of her reaction. She was dealing with someone who would rather collapse under the weight of what had been done to her than burden her best friend with the mere knowledge of it.

"Maura," she said carefully, "I understand that you didn't want to hurt me, but it's better to tell me, okay? You shouldn't have to go through this alone. It would be too much for anyone. I can take it, okay? I want to be here for you."

Maura nodded. "I'm kind of glad I don't have to keep it a secret from you anymore. It was really hard, but I just…I wanted to protect you. It was the only way I could."

"But who was protecting you?" Jane asked softly, unable to hold her own tears back any longer.

Maura looked at her helplessly, unable to answer. "Please don't tell anyone else."

"Of course I won't. It's just between us right now."

"Thank you," Maura whispered.

Jane closed her eyes, her mind whirling. No wonder Maura had been falling apart lately. She'd held this inside for a whole month; it must have been eating her up inside. Jane was afraid it would eat her up now too. The thought of the woman she would do anything to protect being hurt like that was too much to bear, but she had to bear it, because Maura needed her.

And then there was that tiny little baby forming inside of her. What did it mean, Jane thought, to make a baby who was part of Maura and part of that monster?

She didn't know what to do, either.