Part 4
In Matt's room that night TK lay in the bed while the older boys were on the floor. TK was the only one asleep and his soft snores filled the room.
Tai lay staring at a wall, trying to think of something to say to Matt. He knew Matt was awake even though he couldn't see him and it was a little past midnight. In Tai's peripheral vision the clock's red glowing numbers changed from 12:13 to 12:14.
Matt stared blankly up at his ceiling. He felt kind of numb. He had tried to kill himself that afternoon, but fate hadn't allowed it to happen, so he probably shouldn't try again, right? He didn't know.
He still felt the same as he had before. Nothing had changed. He didn't really care whether he decided to kill himself or never tried it again. It just didn't seem to matter to him, although he knew it should matter.
He could hear the rustling of blankets as Tai shifted around. Matt knew that what he had done had made Tai really uncomfortable. He wondered vaguely if he should say something to him to make him feel better.
"Are you going to try that again?" Tai asked softly so not to disturb TK.
"I don't know," Matt said truthfully. If he couldn't find another way to get rid of the emptiness inside of him he might, but it would be awhile before he did it again.
Tai sighed softly, he just couldn't understand what was going on with Matt. He wished he could help. Tai wasn't used to this helpless feeling. Whenever there was a problem he fixed it, or helped to fix it so things could move on. But there wasn't a thing he could do this time.
The boys were silent a while longer, not quite knowing what to say. Tai sighed to himself again.
"Matt, if you ever need to talk, you can always talk to me. Just so you know."
"Thank you Tai," Matt said feeling a little shocked at the statement. Matt was even more surprised when he felt a little stirring in his chest. He smiled when he recognized the feeling. It was a little spark of contentment and happiness.
Maybe he could get better after all.
"Goodnight Tai," Matt sad softly.
"'Night."
The next morning Matt woke up before the others. He sat up and quietly left his room. He went into the kitchen and started poking around the cupboards looking to see what they had.
Matt found that they had the makings for French Toast and went to it. Soon the scent of sizzling French Toast was throughout the kitchen.
Tai woke up and was surprised to find himself lying on the floor. He wondered where he was. After a second he remembered he was in Matt's room and another few seconds later he remembered why.
Tai felt a surge of panic when he saw the rumpled, empty blankets next to him. Where had Matt gone. He got up and started towards the front of the house looking for his friend.
A wave of relief crashed over him as he entered the kitchen where he could smell something delicious being cooked. Matt didn't notice Tai standing in the doorway to the kitchen and for a few minutes Tai just watched.
Matt noticed one of the drawers was half-open so he went to close it. When he saw the contents he just stood there. He could see the gleaming silver of the knifes, they seemed to be beckoning him.
Matt's hand reached into the drawer on it's own accord and he was surprised to see that he was gripping a black handled knife tightly. He could see the glinting light on the serrated edge, seeming to mock him.
Tai stared in horror as Matt pulled a knife out of a drawer. Matt just stood there for a few minutes, seeming to weigh between decisions, and Tai was frozen to the spot.
Matt breathed in deeply and forced himself to put the knife back into the drawer and shut it firmly. He let out a shuddering breath and when he flipped a piece of toast he saw that his hands were shaking.
Matt was scared at the deep desire that he had just felt. He had wanted to cut himself. Not to kill himself. But just a small little cut. He remembered how good he had felt when he had cut his wrist yesterday. It had hurt a lot, his wrist still hurt beneath the bandage, but the pain had swept away the emptiness.
Just that sweet second of bliss.
Tai heaved a sigh of relief when Matt put the knife away. He hadn't even noticed that he had been holding his breath.
"Are you OK?" Tai asked Matt. Matt jumped, and turned around almost guiltily to face Tai.
"I'm fine," Matt lied. He was far from it. He was still trying to push thoughts of the knife away from him. He didn't notice it but a fine trembling had taken over his whole body.
"Don't lie," Tai said leading Matt to a chair at the dinning room table.
"The toast's going to burn," Matt protested weakly.
"I'll take care of that, you stay sitting." Matt nodded knowing that if he didn't stay sitting Tai would turn off the stove and then sit on top of him.
Tai continued to cook the toast keeping a wary eye on Matt.
"So what's up?" he asked trying not to sound like he was prying. Matt shrugged and tried to think of how to respond to that without making Tai worry more.
"I don't know, just stuff. It's like," he trailed off not knowing how to put it into words.
"Last night when I saw you in the hospital you said you did it because it was the only thing you could do. Why? What was so bad you had to do... to do that?"
"I, I wanted to make this feeling inside of me," Matt said slowly.
"What feeling?" Tai asked softly not wanting to rush Matt, knowing that if he did Matt would clam up and start pushing him away.
"Actually, it's not really a feeling. There's nothing," Matt's mouth snapped shut as TK came into the room and crawled onto a chair closely followed by his father.
"Morning," TK said, his voice still thick with sleep. He rubbed tiredly at his eyes before waving to Matt. Matt was surprised that TK had even bothered pulling back on his clothes from yesterday. His dad of course was fully dressed in the only way he knew how, for the office.
But his dad couldn't be going to work after what had happened last night could he? Matt knew very well that it was entirely possible, his dad was the classic case of a workaholic.
"Morning," Matt repeated.
"What are you cooking?" his dad asked Tai. Matt hoped Tai wouldn't say anything about how he had taken over cooking for Matt.
"French Toast," Tai said wishing that Mr. Ishida hadn't interrupted them. That was the second time that Matt had nearly told him what his problem was.
Matt wasn't that happy that his dad had come in. He felt the intrusion quite deeply, and it surprised him. Normally he got on all right with his dad but now it seemed like he was a stranger who kept following him.
Tai served the toast and Matt got out some syrup and set it onto the table, staring at it in an almost angry manner.
Breakfast wasn't too bad of an ordeal although Matt really hated the looks his father kept shooting him. Piercing, penetrating looks and a few times Matt felt sure his father knew something. It took him a few seconds to realize how stupid that was. There wasn't any really big secret he was hiding from his father. It wasn't like he was doing drugs or anything.
TK watched his brother worriedly as he ate his French toast. His brother seemed kind of shaky, like when ever they had been fighting one of the evil digimon and it looked like even their best was nothing against Lord Myotismon or whoever. He wanted to tell Matt it'd be all right but it felt sort of weird.
Matt was supposed to be the one comforting him. Grown-ups didn't have problems. After a second TK realized just how young Matt really was. He was still just a kid no matter how grown up he acted.
TK poked his fork at his toast some more before finally spearing it and eating it. Life was just too confusing sometimes.
When Matt and Tai were clearing the plates off the table the phone rang breaking the silence that had settled in and causing everyone to jump.
Mr. Ishida stood up from the table and answered the phone, moving into the other room for some more privacy.
Matt frowned as his father came back into the room with a look of regret on his face.
"Matt," he said with a sigh. "That was the office. I'm sorry but I have to go in."
"It's fine dad," Matt said. Tai shot him a look, hearing the anger in Matt's that he was trying to mask.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes dad. Just go." Matt just sounded tired now. Tai felt his own anger boil up at Mr. Ishida.
"I'll take you home TK. You'll stay here with Matt, won't you Tai?"
"Of course," Tai said a little curtly, surprising Matt.
"I'll get my stuff then. Wanna help me Matt?" Matt quickly realized that TK wanted to talk to him, it was especially easy since TK didn't have any stuff over there, they hadn't gone to either of their homes to collect any things.
"What is it?" Matt asked TK feeling slightly apprehensive of what his little brother might say.
"I just wanted to let you know it'll turn out OK soon enough. So just give it some time and don't do anything stupid," TK commanded. Matt felt an amused smile tug at his lips and was very happy to know it was there.
"Thanks TK," he said drawing his brother into a big hug. TK looked pleased with himself and grabbed his hat off the floor before going to meet his dad to leave.
TK called a good-bye into the house as Mr. Ishida closed the door, which was the only announcement that they were leaving.
In Matt's room that night TK lay in the bed while the older boys were on the floor. TK was the only one asleep and his soft snores filled the room.
Tai lay staring at a wall, trying to think of something to say to Matt. He knew Matt was awake even though he couldn't see him and it was a little past midnight. In Tai's peripheral vision the clock's red glowing numbers changed from 12:13 to 12:14.
Matt stared blankly up at his ceiling. He felt kind of numb. He had tried to kill himself that afternoon, but fate hadn't allowed it to happen, so he probably shouldn't try again, right? He didn't know.
He still felt the same as he had before. Nothing had changed. He didn't really care whether he decided to kill himself or never tried it again. It just didn't seem to matter to him, although he knew it should matter.
He could hear the rustling of blankets as Tai shifted around. Matt knew that what he had done had made Tai really uncomfortable. He wondered vaguely if he should say something to him to make him feel better.
"Are you going to try that again?" Tai asked softly so not to disturb TK.
"I don't know," Matt said truthfully. If he couldn't find another way to get rid of the emptiness inside of him he might, but it would be awhile before he did it again.
Tai sighed softly, he just couldn't understand what was going on with Matt. He wished he could help. Tai wasn't used to this helpless feeling. Whenever there was a problem he fixed it, or helped to fix it so things could move on. But there wasn't a thing he could do this time.
The boys were silent a while longer, not quite knowing what to say. Tai sighed to himself again.
"Matt, if you ever need to talk, you can always talk to me. Just so you know."
"Thank you Tai," Matt said feeling a little shocked at the statement. Matt was even more surprised when he felt a little stirring in his chest. He smiled when he recognized the feeling. It was a little spark of contentment and happiness.
Maybe he could get better after all.
"Goodnight Tai," Matt sad softly.
"'Night."
The next morning Matt woke up before the others. He sat up and quietly left his room. He went into the kitchen and started poking around the cupboards looking to see what they had.
Matt found that they had the makings for French Toast and went to it. Soon the scent of sizzling French Toast was throughout the kitchen.
Tai woke up and was surprised to find himself lying on the floor. He wondered where he was. After a second he remembered he was in Matt's room and another few seconds later he remembered why.
Tai felt a surge of panic when he saw the rumpled, empty blankets next to him. Where had Matt gone. He got up and started towards the front of the house looking for his friend.
A wave of relief crashed over him as he entered the kitchen where he could smell something delicious being cooked. Matt didn't notice Tai standing in the doorway to the kitchen and for a few minutes Tai just watched.
Matt noticed one of the drawers was half-open so he went to close it. When he saw the contents he just stood there. He could see the gleaming silver of the knifes, they seemed to be beckoning him.
Matt's hand reached into the drawer on it's own accord and he was surprised to see that he was gripping a black handled knife tightly. He could see the glinting light on the serrated edge, seeming to mock him.
Tai stared in horror as Matt pulled a knife out of a drawer. Matt just stood there for a few minutes, seeming to weigh between decisions, and Tai was frozen to the spot.
Matt breathed in deeply and forced himself to put the knife back into the drawer and shut it firmly. He let out a shuddering breath and when he flipped a piece of toast he saw that his hands were shaking.
Matt was scared at the deep desire that he had just felt. He had wanted to cut himself. Not to kill himself. But just a small little cut. He remembered how good he had felt when he had cut his wrist yesterday. It had hurt a lot, his wrist still hurt beneath the bandage, but the pain had swept away the emptiness.
Just that sweet second of bliss.
Tai heaved a sigh of relief when Matt put the knife away. He hadn't even noticed that he had been holding his breath.
"Are you OK?" Tai asked Matt. Matt jumped, and turned around almost guiltily to face Tai.
"I'm fine," Matt lied. He was far from it. He was still trying to push thoughts of the knife away from him. He didn't notice it but a fine trembling had taken over his whole body.
"Don't lie," Tai said leading Matt to a chair at the dinning room table.
"The toast's going to burn," Matt protested weakly.
"I'll take care of that, you stay sitting." Matt nodded knowing that if he didn't stay sitting Tai would turn off the stove and then sit on top of him.
Tai continued to cook the toast keeping a wary eye on Matt.
"So what's up?" he asked trying not to sound like he was prying. Matt shrugged and tried to think of how to respond to that without making Tai worry more.
"I don't know, just stuff. It's like," he trailed off not knowing how to put it into words.
"Last night when I saw you in the hospital you said you did it because it was the only thing you could do. Why? What was so bad you had to do... to do that?"
"I, I wanted to make this feeling inside of me," Matt said slowly.
"What feeling?" Tai asked softly not wanting to rush Matt, knowing that if he did Matt would clam up and start pushing him away.
"Actually, it's not really a feeling. There's nothing," Matt's mouth snapped shut as TK came into the room and crawled onto a chair closely followed by his father.
"Morning," TK said, his voice still thick with sleep. He rubbed tiredly at his eyes before waving to Matt. Matt was surprised that TK had even bothered pulling back on his clothes from yesterday. His dad of course was fully dressed in the only way he knew how, for the office.
But his dad couldn't be going to work after what had happened last night could he? Matt knew very well that it was entirely possible, his dad was the classic case of a workaholic.
"Morning," Matt repeated.
"What are you cooking?" his dad asked Tai. Matt hoped Tai wouldn't say anything about how he had taken over cooking for Matt.
"French Toast," Tai said wishing that Mr. Ishida hadn't interrupted them. That was the second time that Matt had nearly told him what his problem was.
Matt wasn't that happy that his dad had come in. He felt the intrusion quite deeply, and it surprised him. Normally he got on all right with his dad but now it seemed like he was a stranger who kept following him.
Tai served the toast and Matt got out some syrup and set it onto the table, staring at it in an almost angry manner.
Breakfast wasn't too bad of an ordeal although Matt really hated the looks his father kept shooting him. Piercing, penetrating looks and a few times Matt felt sure his father knew something. It took him a few seconds to realize how stupid that was. There wasn't any really big secret he was hiding from his father. It wasn't like he was doing drugs or anything.
TK watched his brother worriedly as he ate his French toast. His brother seemed kind of shaky, like when ever they had been fighting one of the evil digimon and it looked like even their best was nothing against Lord Myotismon or whoever. He wanted to tell Matt it'd be all right but it felt sort of weird.
Matt was supposed to be the one comforting him. Grown-ups didn't have problems. After a second TK realized just how young Matt really was. He was still just a kid no matter how grown up he acted.
TK poked his fork at his toast some more before finally spearing it and eating it. Life was just too confusing sometimes.
When Matt and Tai were clearing the plates off the table the phone rang breaking the silence that had settled in and causing everyone to jump.
Mr. Ishida stood up from the table and answered the phone, moving into the other room for some more privacy.
Matt frowned as his father came back into the room with a look of regret on his face.
"Matt," he said with a sigh. "That was the office. I'm sorry but I have to go in."
"It's fine dad," Matt said. Tai shot him a look, hearing the anger in Matt's that he was trying to mask.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes dad. Just go." Matt just sounded tired now. Tai felt his own anger boil up at Mr. Ishida.
"I'll take you home TK. You'll stay here with Matt, won't you Tai?"
"Of course," Tai said a little curtly, surprising Matt.
"I'll get my stuff then. Wanna help me Matt?" Matt quickly realized that TK wanted to talk to him, it was especially easy since TK didn't have any stuff over there, they hadn't gone to either of their homes to collect any things.
"What is it?" Matt asked TK feeling slightly apprehensive of what his little brother might say.
"I just wanted to let you know it'll turn out OK soon enough. So just give it some time and don't do anything stupid," TK commanded. Matt felt an amused smile tug at his lips and was very happy to know it was there.
"Thanks TK," he said drawing his brother into a big hug. TK looked pleased with himself and grabbed his hat off the floor before going to meet his dad to leave.
TK called a good-bye into the house as Mr. Ishida closed the door, which was the only announcement that they were leaving.