"So, I'll say it again. I should be asking you. Why me?"
Joss suppressed the tears building up behind her closed lids. She could hear the pain in his voice. The vulnerability. He laid himself bare. What was it about him that made her get sappy and cry? For a man of so few words and so bad at expressing himself, he surely could find the right things to say when required to speak. She couldn't believe how he felt about her. So many times she felt that who she was from day to day, as a woman, went overlooked. That her struggle was so minor when weighed in the balance. She had gone so long without getting a pat on the back that she learned to live without compliments. Without any form of credit or recognition.
But John had noticed. He had noticed everything. Not only noticed, but took time to appreciate it and respect her for it. Even to want it part of his life. He knew who she was, what she valued and he still wanted her. He already saw them married with a baby. Overlooking the fact that they were both in the forties. Not the prime time to be getting married and making babies. His imagination was active and he clearly had high hopes for them.
The question was could she see herself starting over with him? Would they be strong enough to be a family and make it? Could she be strong enough to take the risk?
She already knew the answer. For John she would do it all over again. Because he loved her and he loved her son. Because she was his second chance at the dreams he had had to go without. And because deep down he was her second chance too. Her second chance at having a happy loving marriage. Of having another child. A sibling to give to her son. Maybe there would an eighteen year gap between her kids, but Taylor at least would have someone else. John would have someone else. The men in her life would have what they wanted. And she would have them. She wouldn't be alone. And she would have one more life to cherish.
Suddenly it dawned on her. John had no idea how she felt. She had never said. Needing a brief reprieve she opened her eyes pulling away from him. Standing Joss walked a few feet away. The candles cast a yellow glow against the night and the moon stood high over the water. Joss crossed her arms. She opened her mouth to speak knowing her back was to him. Somehow she knew if she turned around she would not say the words. She couldn't think too hard about it. Just like two days ago when they kissed. The migraine distracted her from her logical thinking. Well she needed another distraction. She focused on the water.
"I love you John. Just you." She swallowed, the impact of her words hitting her hard. She was in love with a wanted a man. A man she would have given anything to put behind bars three years ago. A man she now couldn't imagine living without. He had become her closet friend. "And you are a good man. You protected me without even having a real reason. You did it knowing I would be one more person trying to catch you. My husband didn't even protect me at one point, but you've always tried to be there for me. When you didn't have to. Nobody made you promise not to leave me alone. You didn't owe me anything John! But you never stopped being selfless. You make me feel beautiful. Special." She knew it sounded corny, but it was true.
Suddenly she felt angry. Irate at what the world had done to him. To make him think so lowly of himself. To make him think that she would never want him. Turning on her heel she came face to face with John who had managed to come to her backside without her realizing it.
"How can you ask me that? Of course I see good in you! You're a good man! You make me feel things I haven't felt in years. You understand me John. And you know how much my boy means to me. I feel safe with you. I trust you! If you want me to fight for you, you best believe I will. Next to my son, you're the best case I've ever fought for. And I'll fight for you for the rest of my life! Because you're my case to fight. With your failures and all! But one thing I won't do any longer is fight how I feel for you-"
Her words were cut off when John kissed her hard. He pulled her to him, wrapping his arms tightly around her waist, keeping her from taking another breath even if she tried. Joss melted into his embrace, her hands clinging to the back of his neck trying to bring him closer as she stretched onto her toes. After a few minutes he slowly pulled away. Joss noticed the tears in his eyes, even in the darkness. He framed her face with his large hands.
"Would you give me a home Carter?" he asked, voice low as he kissed her temple.
Her eyes closing she answered confidently. "Yes."
He kissed her brow. "You'll let me into your and Taylor's lives, Joss?"
"Yes."
A kiss to her cheek. "You'll let me make you my wife?" His voice was so soft, hopeful.
"Yes." She answered as tears slipped down her cheeks and her voice shook with emotion she fought to control.
John leaned back enough to look into her brown eyes. He was at a loss for words. Trying to speak. To think of something to say, some way to express how he was feeling. A feeling he never thought he would know. Giving up he gently kissed and once more leaned his head against hers. When he spoke his voice was husky. "Thank you Jocelyn Carter."
Joss turned her head to kiss his palm as she held his wrist. "No. Thank you. John Reese."
So there it is. I thought during the show we never got to really hear Joss verbalize how she felt about John. Obviously John revealed what she meant to him, but we didn't get the chance to really hear how joss felt about their relationship and all John had done for her, so hear was my chance to kind of live that out. I had a lot of fun writing this one, and reading all the comments. God bless and everybody have a great 4th!