"Good Food Buymanship" Act 1
Jeff pulled into the GCC parking lot about a minute and a half after the start of class. He turned his car off and sat there for a minute, just holding his coffee and staring off into the middle distance. He didn't notice Shirley until she had opened up the passenger side door and slid in next to him.
"Jeffrey, what the hell is the matter with you?" she demanded.
"Aren't you missing Chang's class?" he countered. "It's your chance to find out whether Annie can teach a class entirely by remote-control."
"When you didn't stop at Shirley's Sandwiches yesterday you said you were going to be there early today. I made you a damn egg white carb-free thing that you know no one else is going to want. Now it's cold."
"You're painting a terrific word-picture, really getting my mouth watering," Jeff said, "but we don't have time."
Shirley held up the paper bag he hadn't noticed she was carrying. "There's a coffee in here too," she added, casting a baleful eye towards his Starbucks cup.
"Yeah, well, I'm on this new thing." Jeff glanced sideways towards the classroom building, wishing for once he were safely in Chang's lecture where no one could accost him with probing questions. "No lactose, so, soy lattes only for me." He shook the Starbucks cup in his hand, indicating the SOY scribbled on its side.
"This is soy," Shirley said flatly. "I can do soy. Why are you doing this?"
"I just…" Jeff swallowed, trying to come up with a plausible lie. "I just like empty, soulless corporatism more than your lovingly-crafted product. That's the kind of guy I am: empty, soulless, and corporate."
"That's not you." Shirley's eyes narrowed. "Is it a girl?"
Jeff sighed. "Yeah," he said. "Yeah, it's a girl. There's this barista, Mandy. She's got red hair and she smiles when she says my name and it's pathetic but knowing that I can get her to smile at me for two ninety-five…" He shrugged.
"I don't believe you," Shirley snapped.
Jeff tensed up. Had she seen through his lie?
"You're a grown damn man and what you're describing is creepy as hell," she continued.
Jeff relaxed a bit. "I know. Hence my interest in not sharing it. But like a walking crowbar, you came in and pried the truth right out of me."
"I'd expect it from Pierce. You want that? You want me to compare you to Pierce?"
"No…"
"You're a perfectly fine man and there are plenty of people who would smile at you without money being involved. There are people who do!"
"Yes."
"If you don't…" Shirley broke off as she spotted Annie emerging from the classroom building, waving frantically. "We're not done here," she told Jeff as she opened the passenger door and exited his car. "Come on to class."
Jeff nodded and followed her up the short walk to the building entrance.
"Where you have you guys been?" Annie asked them as they passed through the glass entryway. "Pierce has been faking a heart attack to stall for time, and I don't think that's going to work a third time."
"I was running late." Jeff realized he'd left his textbook in his car, and debated whether he should go get it, or pretend to go get it and just drive away. He could try the day again from the top tomorrow. "Starbucks."
Annie rolled her eyes. "You can be really soulless and corporate, you know that? Shirley's Sandwiches is right here."
"That's what I told him," Shirley agreed as the three of them entered classroom. Chang and half the class were quietly sitting and playing with their phones, while the other half, including Troy and Britta, stood or squatted in a small crowd at the front of the room.
"…And then Monica tells Chandler that she doesn't like him when he's kissing up to his boss," Abed was saying. He sat cross-legged in the middle of the crowd. Pierce lay on his back before him, head in Abed's lap. "So when the boss comes back in and tells another stupid joke, Chandler doesn't fake-laugh. The boss doesn't like that, and starts to lean on Chandler, and then Monica breaks in and pretends to explain the joke and Chandler pretends he thinks it's funny."
"Ah, that makes sense," Pierce said. "Monica was the hot one, right?"
Abed shook his head. "No, that was Rachel. Monica was the neurotic overachiever who ended up with the irreverent joker."
"And hey, Pierce is talking again," said Chang.
Pierce sat up. "Vice-Chancellor Hawthorne," he said. "I've decided that's my job title. Vice-Chancellor."
"Why not full Chancellor?" Annie asked him.
"Whatever. Are we all ready to learn now?"
"I'm still pretty dizzy," said Pierce. "I think I need another episode of a sitcom summarized for me."
"Oh, do 'Homer at the Bat,'" suggested Troy. "That's my favorite. He does voices," he added to Britta.
"Actually I think we're all set," Jeff said. "Vice-Chancellor Hawthorne looks fine to me."
"This is no picnic for me either, you guys," Chang said as the class settled back into their seats and put down their phones. "Am I excited about being up this early? No. Am I qualified to teach this class? No. Do I even know what historiography is? No. Did I get a student to write my lesson plan for me? I did, yes, because unlike her, I have more important things to do."
"Hey!" cried Annie. Jeff glared at Chang.
"So show some respect, all right?" He cleared his throat. "I said show some respect!"
The students exchanged glances. "Yes, El Tigre Chino," they reluctantly chanted in ragged unison.
Pierce, sitting in the back of the class, chuckled. "Classic Chang."
"That concludes today's lesson," Chang said. "No. Hold on." He held up one finger. "I have an assignment for you that'll eat up some class time. You're going to work in pairs…"
Jeff and Annie exchanged meaningful glances. Britta tried to do the same with Troy, but he was already exchanging a meaningful glance with Abed, so she turned to Shirley instead.
"And put together a five-minute presentation," Chang continued. "Or, no, that's going to be hell to sit through. A three page paper. Wait. Maybe a diorama. Dioramas are easy to grade…" He trailed off, tapping his teeth with one finger thoughtfully. "Maybe just do an in-class exam, then you can grade one another's work…"
"Pick something!" called Pierce from the back, hands cupped in front of his mouth.
Chang scowled. "Fine! A paper, smart guy! Three pages. On, um, historiography, I guess."
Annie cleared her throat loudly. "Of?" she stage-whispered.
"Of, yeah, I know!" Chang snarled. "The historiography of, um, World War 2."
"'A particular battle from World War 2,'" Annie stage-whispered from the front row. "We practiced this!" she hissed.
"You're still helping him?" Jeff asked from next to her.
She grimaced, as though gearing up to defend her choice to continue helping a man who had tried to murder them and who was also a terrible, terrible teacher, in the name of improving the Greendale educational experience just a little bit. Then she saw that Jeff was smiling at her, and smiled back instead.
"A particular battle from World War II, yes, that's what I was trying to say. I'm the instructor here, not you!" Chang snapped at Annie. "You know what? I'm assigning the partners for this." The class erupted into irritated murmurs, to Chang's evident relish. "Winger, you're with…" He scanned the class. "Man, slim pickings. You, the slutty one by the window! What's your name?"
A dark-haired woman seated towards the back looked around, vainly hoping he meant someone else. "Me?" She pointed to herself warily. When Chang nodded impatiently, she winced. "Patricia Smelden. I don't really think that…"
"Don't care. Winger, you're with Patricia Snodden."
"Smelden, actually" she called.
"Don't care. You like that, Annie?" Chang had a manic gleam in his eye.
"No! I mean…" Annie gasped in indignation. "Why wouldn't I? I mean, why would I care?"
"'Ha ha,' he said sarcastically," Chang said. "You're with Leonard."
Leonard laughed in his seat. "How you like them apples?" he croaked.
"Now Ben, that doesn't really seem fair," Pierce began. "Annie deserves better. You can pair Leonard with Britta."
"All right, all right. Leonard with Britta. Winger with the slut…"
"That is really not cool!" cried Britta. Chang ignored her.
"Annie, you're with Shirley. Neil, you're with Abed. Vicky, you're with Garrett, you three whose names I haven't learned are with those three whose names I learned last year but forgot… and Troy, you're with… who haven't I picked yet?"
"Anyone but Todd, anyone but Todd," Troy whispered, his eyes screwed shut.
Todd was, however, the only student who raised a hand.
"The weird-looking guy! You're with Troy! Boom! Partners assigned! Chang out!" Chang whooped and shook his fist, then dashed out of the classroom.