5/8/2004 Thursday
So I asked Edman to read my three entries today. He said I was somewhat understanding what this was about, more so on yesterday's. I asked him what this whole assignment really was about. He said something along the lines of finding ourselves, relieving stress, and overall maintaining emotional health. I'm emotionally healthy. At least, I think so. Nothing's popped out at me yet saying I have anything wrong with me. Well, other than my impulse to mutilate any living (or non-living) thing that annoys me. But I'm already working on that.
What should I do to "find myself?" What am I? I'm a human. A Homo sapien. Where am I? Earth. Wammy's. I have emotions. Most of the time, they're stronger than I'd like. I'm smart. I'm always second place and I hate the hell out of it. What else is there really to me? What is there to find?
I don't get it.
Maybe it's because I'm only fourteen, or maybe it's because I'm just not looking hard enough.
What is the possible outcome of my future? I could exceed Near and become the next L whenever the current one either dies or retires. I don't even want to think about that one yet. I could spend my life being the perpetual second and succumb to Near's supposed superiority. I could retract from society and become an insane old man who fosters dozens upon dozens of feral cats. I could have a drastic personality shift and become the happy, smiling, and singing candy man! Hell, who knows? I could die tomorrow by some freak lava lamp accident or something. I just don't know.
You know what? Forget about my future for a minute. Think about now. The present. The current moment. Who am I, really? Mello. My real name. Number two. Chocoholic. Bully, to some people. I'm a short fuse—quick to blow. I'm a human. I'm blonde. I'm German. Fuck, I'm kind of far-sighted! What is there about me that I don't know yet? What am I? What will I become, that I'm not aware of? Is there something hiding inside me that hasn't emerged?
Depending on the day, I'm angry. That's a given. I'm also sad, but usually only when I think about my family. I'm generally content. Sometimes I can be happy.
I just really have no clue what to give you, Mr. Edman. It's just not working for me. I have no clue what you're looking for specifically, even when you tell me in so many words. What is wrong with me that I can't understand what a simple assignment is about? I'm only four days into this thing now. I've got ten more entries to figure it all out, to do some "soul-searching."
I wonder what Matt's doing for this project? Soulless ginger jokes aside, what is he writing down day after day? I know he's actually doing it; I've seen him working in it at lunch while absently eating chicken pot pie. Does he have some inner turmoil nobody knows about because he's an antisocial creep who's good at hiding things? Or is he exactly as he seems: just a bored genius with nothing interesting to him to take on? Knowing Matt, he's probably just ranting about how Mario is an idiot and should just give up trying to rescue Peach, that it's too obvious she's having some affair with Bowser. Or something about how Link would think he's gay and finally gets with Sheik only to realize it's Zelda, then completely reject her because he really is into guys. I don't know, I only really played those games once or twice. I just want to know what he's writing.
Oh, God. What about Near?
I know I hate him and all, but I'm actually kind of curious. I bet he'd tell me if I asked him. He doesn't hate me as much as I hate him... No, that would just jeopardize my tough-guy reputation… which I don't even know why I still try to maintain.
That's the thing about me, I think. I want to know everything about the world around me—people, mostly. I want to understand them. But when it comes to me, I have no clue what to say. What this assignment is talking about, I think, is that I have to understand myself before I go around saying I know what everyone is like. Right?
I can't just judge people by what I know of the surface. It's like with our families. No one really cares to talk about their past like that. How can I say that I know every detail of a person's family when they never told me? Matt's never told me about his family. Neither has Near. Or pretty much the entire school, save for maybe a couple kids. That's just something people like to keep to themselves. I don't know anything about them other than what they've told me, or things I've picked up that may only seem to be true.
It's like… forming a complete opinion about a movie you've never seen, or a food you've never tried. It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense. I have no clue what I'm even writing about anymore.
You know what? I think I've got it now.
Confused.
That's what I am.
Mello
A/N:
Happy Friday!
I particularly like this chapter. Not too sure why. Do you guys? :D
Just for a future reference and disclaimer: I don't mean to offend anybody by anything I make Mello think. C: Honestly, some of the things I think he'd think I don't really agree with all that much myself. But, just thought I'd let you all know. C:
Thank you all for reading!
See you next week!
~The Nearly Missed
P.S.: Reviews will always and forever make my days.