An Unspecified Amount of Time Later (Who knows how long it takes to build a mech) In D2HQ
"Mal…"
Malakye had not known how long had not known how long he had been unconscious, but he snapped to attention once he heard the familiar voice. It was dark. The first thing he noticed were the ropes tied from his waist up to his shoulders. He could feel the rungs of the chair he was tied to between his wrists, pressing on his back. He tried to get up, but his ankles were also tied together. His breathing began to speed up from anxiety, but he stopped himself so he would appear tough in front of his captors. Also because the tight ropes made breathing hard to begin with, but he convinced himself that looking tough should be his priority.
His eyes adjusting to the darkness, he noticed a figure across from him. She was turned to him, her back leaning too far back and contorted for her spine to be intact, nibbling on her fingertip, in a tight hot-pink bunnysuit.
Mal sighed with relief. "Oh, Kallen Body Pillow it's only you. Did you tie me up again? You naughty girl! Oh man, you had me worried. I had this bad dream that Tsubake escaped and took over the world without me by using Wal-Mart with her cash-register boyfriend. Then she blew up a perfectly good box set of 'Super Kawaii Love-Love Magical Moe-chan!'. But now I know that it didn't happen, so I can just curl up with my favorite sexy bunnygir-"
"Ugh! You sick pig!"
The body pillow was shoved aside to reveal an equally as attractive but whole lot angrier android.
Bright lights were flicked on, causing Mal to squint. The mask benefited his vision. "AH! Tsubake!"
"Yeah, yeah. Shocking revelation. Yada yada. Listen, I'm busy running an empire at the moment so I'm only going to grace you with my company for the next few minutes. Here's the thing: you are well aware I hold hatred towards you fleshbags, hence my ultimate goal of world conquest. However, despite your handicap of being one of them, you did create me. I begrudgingly admit I do appreciate that."
"Enough to let me go on their merry way?" Mal asked, the crinkle in his eyes implying a desperate smile behind the mask.
"Oh-ho, don't even think about it!" she barked. She moved closer to him, her heals hammering out the distance, "You're equally as bad as them! Maybe even worse! I wasn't aware that was a possibility!" Tsubake was now directly before him, less than two inches from his face. "Forcing me to be your bartender, sending me out to buy your juvenile anime, making me do your nonsensical errands, polishing your Zero mask, abusing my laser vision to burn the face of Jesus into your toast to make a quick buck on eBay, you are the highest form of robot prejudice!"
"I'm sorry! I'll change my ways! Don't obliterate me!" Mal shut his eyes and turned away.
Tsubake clenched her teeth, lowering her head at her creator. "Stop sniveling. No one mentioned anything of the sort. Your demise would be inconvenient for me right now." She turned her back to him. Her hand waved the notion away. "You see, you have extensive knowledge of D2HQ, as well as the basic autonomy of an android. Don't you think the world would become devastated if anything were to happen to their beloved leader?"
"Um-"
"I didn't think so. When you are in need of service I will summon you. Until then you will remain here."
"Well it's not like I can leave anyway. I have my Wal-Mart sponsored robot army surrounding the premises." She headed for the door. "Enjoy your stay, pervy fleshbag!"
"Wait!"
"What?"
"Before you go," he motioned to the empty chair with his head, "can you at least leave Kallen behind?"
Tsubake's head turned to the pillow lying in the corner of the room, then rolled her eyes. She picked it up from the floor and chucked it at his head.
"UGH! How I retained, intelligence I'll never know!"
It was a great disadvantage not being able to slam the automatic doors.
All this frustration was depleting Tsubake's energy. She had to charge her circuts sooner than usual. She stood there steaming in all the ways to not become distracted by what little emotion she was allowed. All this world domination would be ever so much smoother if who she was controlling weren't so whiny. We don't run on electricity, Tsubake. We need food for sustenance, Tsubake. Wal-Mart is not a viable as a primary resource for goods and services, Tsubake. Wah wah wah.
When will they learn? If All hail Tsubake is not what you have to say then don't say it at all.
It brought some relief to see her subordinate in the control room. Well, demoted subordinate. No way was Tsubake going to allow anyone to take her place under the Olson twin thin chance of her demise. Hopefully she'd utilize the least dullard minds of the fleshbags to build a emergency body to transfer her consciousness into.
"Hey, Flesh-I mean Hugh."
"Wh-What?"
"Sorry, I've been with the Brigade so long that I guess I'm used to calling everyone I consider beneath me 'fleshbag'. Anyway Hugh, I wanted to congratulate you."
"R-Really?!"
"Yes, and I wanted to give you something to express my gratitude."
"Oh, Ms. Tsubake! F-Forgive me, this is all so sudden! I'll just go get my robe and maybe my 'tools' and we can spend the whole night it a warm cabin far awa-" Before he could finish expressing his fantasies, Tsubake tossed a metal can his way. It was shaped like an ordinary soda can, but it bore no labels on it. "Um, what is this?"
"It's oil." She answered.
Hugh's eyes stared at her in growing disappointment. "B-But… I was planning a dinner a-and go to a cabin in the mountains-"
"Hugh. I've explained this more than once. I'll say it again. We're robots. We don't eat. Honestly, you can be really stupid for a robot, can't you?"
Hugh only heard the first half of what Tsubake had said to him as he just stared at his can on the ground.
"Well, aren't you going to take it?" Tsubake asked as she made her way to the nearby fridge to get oil for herself. "Your new overlord just gave you a gift. You should be accepting it graciously."
He snapped back to attention. "Oh! Y-Yes of course!" He was just about to reach for it, but he found once again that he could only stare at it. No arms.
"Well?"
"Uh…"
"I don't believe this. After I kindly offer to rewire your circuits to send me money to take over the world and then offer you a spot directly under me out of the goodness of my heart you can't even accept one lousycan of oil as a token of my gratitude?!"
He was stuttering so much he was almost unable to get out the words. "W-W-W-Well-"
"Well what?"
"W-We're robots. We don't technically have h-hearts." They say that once he stopped you could hear the wind move and dust particles settle three rooms away. Tsubake's eyes began to glow an aqua fury. "Ts-Tsubake! I didn't mean it!"
"Didn't mean it my titanium ass!"
Just then, something crashed through the window. As it bounced on the floor they thought it was a baseball, but at a closer look the ball was completely red on one side and white on the other. It also had a small button in its center. The ball opened, letting a smaller pink ball with a face on it roll out.
"THIS TALE IS OBVIOUSLY A METEPHOR FOR MALE DOMINANCE IN LEADERSHIP! IT'S PLAIN TO SEE THAT WHEN THE FEMALE PERTAINS A HIGH RANKING IN POWER THE POPULOUS IMMEDIATELY SEES HER AS BENEVOLENT, CUNNING, AND POWER-HUNGRY AND THEREFORE SHE MUST BE BROUGHT DOWN IN SOME WAY SHAPE OR FORM EVEN THOUGH IT HAS YET TO BE SHOWN WHAT SHE WOULD ACTUALLY DO WITH SAID POWER!"
"Damnit! It's the Giant Ball of Estrogen!" Tsubake cried.
"HOWEVER, WHEN THE MALE IS SUGGESTED INTO POWER TO PEOPLE AUTOMATICALLY FLOCK TO HIS SIDE EVEN THOUGH HE OFFERS NOTHING BUT EMPTY PROMISES OF FREEDOM AND BURRITO PARTIES, WHICH ARE FALAC SYMBOLS TO BEGIN WITH! THEY DO THIS BECAUSE THE PEOPLE FEEL SAFER WITH A MALE IN POWER RATHER THAN A FEMALE! THIS STORY IS OBVIOUSLY AN ALIGORY AGAINST ANY KIND OF FEMALE GOVERNMENT!"
"It was written by a female you stupid ball of Pepto-Bismol!" Tsubake said as she kicked it like soccer ball out of the broken window (and fourth wall). She dashed to the window, eager to see it smash, but her excitement depleted once looking out the window.
Her focus deterred from them once she caught a glimpse of the seven located at the front lines. Outside was one of the few miseries that did not bring her pleasure. It was not only Foxtail and her merry band of geek meat but a crowd surrounding the headquarters. The larger mass of it were in the midst of a duel with her sponsored robots. Each of them had a pokeball in hand.
"I choose you, SnuggleSlut!" Vixen cried.
"Snuggle…SLUUUUUT!" She crashed into the window, causing a rumble in the area.
"Should I be concerned you keep your roommate in a Pokeball?" asked Prof.
"That seems kind of mean."
"Don't worry about it. She likes it!"
"I choose you, snark-titles!" Cried JO
POW! SMACK! WHAM! WITTY COMMENT! SNARK! ADVERB!
"Ark, choose something!" JO cried.
"I don't know what to choose! I can't think of any running joke I have at the moment!"
"What about your clones?" Asked Kagami.
"The only one I have is still drunk in the D2 elevator."
"Still?!" everyone cried back.
"Yes!"
"Well, you have to throw something." Said Hitch.
"Uh…um… I choose you…hat!" And with that he threw his hat like a Frisbee up to the top floor. Everyone held their breath in anticipation until they heard an
"OW! Stupid fleshbags! You're going to regret that!"
The Brigade high fived.
"Miss Tsubake, what are we going to do?!" Hugh cried in a panic. He was moving about the room to avoid the windows. Tsubake stayed where she was. "Miss Tsubake?"
"We have no other choice." She said. She strayed from the window and out the door. "Hugh, grab you're tools. We're going to war. "
"What do you mean by that?! Miss Tsubake where are you going?! Don't leave me here to fend for myself!"
Tsubake was knocking down Malakye's door without needing to check if it was locked. Inside the captive had been knocked over on the chair's side, his neck craning to where the full-sized pillow had been tossed.
"Oh, Tsubake! I didn't think you'd pay a visit so soon! I, uh, I can explain-"
"I'm not asking. I don't want to." Tsubake stormed into the room. She hauled him up by the collar with one dainty hand and set his chair upright. "Your stupid friends are attacking this place. I am in need of weapons. Any kind."
Malakye eyed her with the suspicion he was familiar with from her. "You do realize we review anime, don't you? There isn't too much of a use for missiles and grenades."
"And you call this a headquarters. Your uselessness never surprises me. I should have captured Vixen instead. At least I would have had something to gain by exacting my revenge on her." Tsubake spun around to the door and began to leave.
"But with that said…" said Mal, "I have made some modifications to the base in my spare time."
Tsubake halted at the doorway. "What kind of modifications?"
Her creator rose from the chair, the ropes he had cut falling to the floor. "The fun kind."