Without You Chapter 4
Disclaimer: Yup I don't own anything Last Ship wise. Sorry folks.
Author's Notes: I apologize for the delay, this week has been somewhat trying on a personal level. Thank you for your patience and support! Extremely long chapter and emotional chapter. I literally was in tears the entire chapter. I hope you enjoy! Thank you to my lovely readers. Like my previous chapters, I'm including my "soundtrack" for this chapter at the end.
Oh, heaven knows I need this
Oh, wake me up I'm dreaming
Losing it all in the blink of eye
I'm not ready to say goodbye
Oh, heaven knows I need this
Oh, wake me up I'm dreaming
Losing it all in the blink of eye
I'm not ready to say goodbye
I'm not ready to say goodbye
-Not Ready to Say Goodbye by Leah Nobel
February 15, 2015
Rachel sat in her lab, staring off into space, thinking.
In the 5 days since she had been "returned" to the living, albeit in the past, not much had changed. Unlike last time when she tested the cure on herself without Tom's knowledge, she had President Michener's blessing to try the cure on herself and the mouse first. He then agreed to be her first "human trial".
She told the truth about Niels, but Tom had still given her a security detail (O'Connor and Miller) and limited her contact with the crew.
Tom had still gone in search of Valkyrie...he still got injured. He still argued with her regarding the shrapnel wound, he still sent her to land.
She felt like nothing was changing.
Rachel inwardly chuckled, "well not everything" she whispered.
Tex.
After her conversation with Jeffrey, Tom escorted her back to her quarters and told her about the security detail and her limited contact with the crew. Not five minutes after he had left, Tex came a knocking.
His face told her everything she needed to know...he was from the future with her. He told her not to worry and that he had her back.
She leaned back into her chair, he thoughts drifting back to when she was sent to land...
Tex approached her while she was staring out the window (much like last time).
"Rachel"
Rachel looked over and smiled at Tex. "Is this when you tell me the hardest thing about goodbyes are all the things I didn't say, all the unresolved stuff and that Tom and I will get a chance to say what we need to say."
Tex burst out laughing, causing the other members of the team to look over to him quizzically.
"I thought about it, but I have a bit more profound advice to give you this time love."
Rachel eyed him, "more profound?"
"I know you are disappointed...disappointed that everything seems to be turning out the same way as last time." Tex paused and took her hand "But we know the overall outcome and we won't let it happen, right?"
Rachel nodded.
"I know you still have regrets, but life is too short, as we both know only too well, to continue waking up with regrets. You need to believe that everything happens for a reason."
"I want to Tex." Rachel mumbled, glancing back out the window, "You say there is a reason for everything happening, for us being given this second chance. Darien told me that time will heal all wounds, heartache, love, but time hasn't changed the way I feel about Tom and the regret I continue to feel for what I've done. I want to tell him….something….anything... so there won't be any doubt. But I can't….not now….I'm in the same situation I was in last time, where I didn't say anything because I didn't feel I should, now I don't feel I can."
Tex squeezed her hand, "Give Tom a chance. People aren't always what you want them to be. Sometimes they disappoint you or let you down, but you have to give them a chance first...If there is one thing I'm willing to bet on, it's you and Tom."
"Doctor Scott"
Rachel shook herself from her thoughts, "I'm sorry Miller" she said to the young man.
"It's okay ma'am." Miller responded, "I just received word that President Michener would like to speak to you."
Rachel nodded, stood and followed Miller out of the room. It didn't take long before Miller was opening the door to the Wardroom and allowing Rachel to enter. Jeffrey was sitting at the table drinking a cup of coffee and looking over some documents.
"Ah..Doctor Scott...Rachel...please sit." Jeffrey said gesturing towards one of the many chairs.
Rachel silently sat down, she had a feeling what the conversation about to ensue would entail.
"I've done a lot of thinking over the last couple of days. While I haven't made my decision yet in regards to your...situation...I wanted to let you know that I would have my decision made by the time we reach Saint Louis."
Rachel visibly tensed at Jeffrey mentioning Saint Louis. She closed her eyes as all the memories flashed across her eyes.
Greeting people at the port. Smiling at Tom. Debarking the Nathan James. Checking into the hotel. Speaking to the judge's daughter. Borrowing the beautiful black lace dress. Mingling at the Inauguration reception. Learning of her pardon and subsequent departure to Nebraska. Writing Tom the note. Seeing Tom, looking oh so handsome in his formal uniform outside his hotel room. Their flirting. Smiling as she walked back to her room. Uneasiness when she saw the man outside her door. Fear when he wouldn't leave.
Pain.
Never. Ending. Pain.
Rachel opened her eyes, taking a deep breath, she refused to cry in front of the president.
"We will be stopping to spread the cure in Vicksburg on the eighteenth, then Mem…"
"Memphis on the nineteenth, with our final destination of Saint Louis on the twenty-first." Rachel interrupted.
"That's correct..." Jeffrey replied a bit unsure of how to respond, as he had yet to share with anyone the timeline.
"Only one hundred and twenty five people will show up in Vicksburg." Rachel replies matter of factly. "Memphis is going to be an utter failure."
"How?" Jeffrey said.
"McDowell makes it to Memphis before we do. He and his immune followers are able to secure navy uniforms. They pretend they are from the Nathan James. They take infected people to the site, Tex finds out. They do it to discredit Tom and I. You need to find McDowell before we get to Memphis. You need to stop him." Rachel trailed off closing her eyes. She took a deep breath before continuing, "Saint Louis will be the best place for us to transmit the contagious cure. I just wish…" Rachel finished with a mumble.
"Wish what?"
"It doesn't matter. Nothing is changing. I'm destined to go to Saint Louis, whether I want to or not." She muttered back, "Is there anything else you need from me President Michener? If not, I'd like to head back to my quarters."
Jeffrey nodded. Rachel turned and walked to the door, just as she was opening it, she turned, "Please take my advice about Memphis. Find a way to stop McDowell and his group of followers." With that she turned and walked out of the room. Miller following closely behind her.
"And we will end up at Saint Louis on the twenty-first. We need to have a plan in place for security and how to most effectively spread the cure at each port of call." Jeffrey said to Tom and Mike.
The men nodded waiting for Jeffrey to continue, as the look on his face gave away there was more to be said.
Jeffrey rubbed his hands over his face. "I spoke to Rachel earlier today. She implied that Memphis would be a failure."
"A failure sir?" Mike questioned, looking at the two men, "Why would she think that?"
"She told me that McDowell would be there with a group of immunes, dressed in navy uniforms. They would bring infected to the port. They do it in an attempt to discredit her and well you Tom." Jeffrey said. "She was extremely insistent on it
"Then we should believe her." Tom said. He stood and walked over to the nearest porthole and looked out for a moment before turning back to the two men.
"Do you remember five days ago when Rachel confessed to killing Niels and how she told me things, things that hadn't happened?" Mike and Jeffrey nodded and allowed Tom to continue,
"I know this is hard to believe, but Rachel and Tex are from the future." Tom finished.
Jeffrey and Mike exchanged confused and concerned looks with one another before looking back a Tom with looks of pure disbelief on their faces.
"I get it…I thought the same thing…but when Tex…"
"What does Tex have to do with Rachel claiming she's from the future?" Mike interrupted.
Tom sighed and sat back down, "Rachel never told me she was from the future. Tex told me. He told me that in seven months he dies and he meets Rachel…in heaven." Tom held up his hand at that comment as he could tell Jeffrey and Mike were going to interrupt. "He went on to say that in five years there is a terrible war…a war in which I'm seriously injured and in limbo. I choose to live and somehow with my choice, Rachel and Tex were given a second chance. They were sent back to now."
"And you believe him?" Jeffrey asked.
"At first I didn't, but given everything that Rachel said, that I would have a shrapnel injury, that I would send her away for her protection and give her a security detail and limit her interaction with the crew, that we would take down the sub and find Valkyrie…I have to believe him and her."
The men sat in silence for a few moments, taking everything in.
"Then, I believe her as well." Jeffrey said breaking the silence. "Mike, reach out to Val. See if she can find a way to find out how the immunes are still using the network and if she can disable it?"
Mike nodded.
"On a more serious note though." Jeffrey said, "Tom, did Tex state when or how Rachel died?"
Tom shook his head "He wouldn't tell me. He said it was her story to tell."
"I believe it may happen in Saint Louis." Jeffrey said, he couldn't help noticing Tom visibly tense with his words.
"When I spoke to her earlier, at the mention of Saint Louis, she seemed to be caught in…a zone…of some kind…almost as if she were reliving events, which she may very well have been. I know this may be tough for her to talk about, but Tom, speak to her, we need to find out the details so we can protect her."
Tom nodded, "I will sir."
Jeffrey nodded at the two men as they stood and left the room.
In the p-way outside the Wardroom, Mike took in his friend. He could tell Tom was running through a gamut of emotions right now.
"Tom" Mike said. Tom turned and faced him. "We will find out who killed Rachel and we will stop it."
"I haven't spoken to her…about what happened…I've avoided the conversation entirely."
"It's somewhat understandable given we were dealing with Valkyrie and the sub."
"I'm still so angry with her." Tom admitted.
Mike sighed
"Out with it Mike." Tom said.
"Tom, when you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change your feelings because it's the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares." Mike paused for a moment before continuing, "Tom, you need to accept that you have feelings for Rachel and in more than a I need to keep her safe because she saved the world or she's a member of this crew kind of way."
Tom sighed and glanced towards the door behind them. He turned began walking to which Mike followed him outside. They stood against the raining overlooking the ocean in peaceful silence.
"You said you believed Rachel, when she said she was from the future, correct?" Mike finally asked a few moments later.
"Yes."
"So you believe that she and Tex have been given a second chance?" Mike asked to which Tom nodded.
"Tom, I've known you for years. I know you're scared...and that's okay. But you have been given a second chance, both of you. There are rare chances that you will meet the person you love and who loves you in return. So once you have it, don't let it go. This chance, this second chance you and Rachel have, is never going to come your way again."
With a turn he walked away leaving Tom to ponder his words.
Tom took his time getting to Rachel's quarters. He needed to calm his nerves and think about everything. As he approached he saw Miller straighten up and salute him.
"Sir" Miller said.
"You can report to your normal duty station Miller." Tom told him. Miller nodded and left. Tom gave a soft knock on Rachel's door. He could hear movement from the inside and the door opened moments later.
"Tom" Rachel said surprised to see him.
"Can I come in?"
Rachel opened the door the rest of the way and gestured for him to enter.
"What can I do for you?" Rachel asked turning to face Tom.
"I believe you Rachel."
Rachel inhaled slowly and then exhaled. "What do you believe?" she asked quietly.
"That you are from the future."
"Okay.."
"Tex, well he confirmed it for me five days ago."
Rachel closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them she went over and sat down on her bed, rubbing her eyes with her hands.
Tom sat down on her desk chair and waited for her to speak.
"What did he tell you?" Rachel finally asked.
"He told me that he dies, in about seven months...and that when he does he is greeted by Darien and you...in heaven." Tom paused for a moment, "He went on to explain that in five years there is a horrible war, a war in which I'm severely injured and almost die. I end up in limbo and when I decided to live, you and he were somehow given a second chance."
"I know it's really hard to believe...it seems like some science fiction movie…"
"But I believe him...and you." Tom interrupted. "Everything you told me five days ago has come true."
"Exactly!" Rachel shouted standing up "Everything has come true, so what does it matter that Tex and I were given a second chance! Nothing is changing. Nothing!" Tears began to form in Rachel's eyes. "I'm destined…" she said trailing off.
Tom stood and went over to her, he turned her to face him. "Destined for what Rachel? Destined to die? Because I'm telling you right now, I'm not letting that happen."
"And how are you going to stop it Tom? Do you even know how I die? Or when I die?" Rachel spat back.
"No." Tom replied calmly. "Tex refused to tell me anything. He said it was your story to tell. But Jeffrey…"
"What does Jeffrey have to do with this?" Rachel interrupted.
Tom sighed, "he got the impression when you spoke to him earlier that you died in Saint Louis, based purely on your reaction."
Rachel's anger seemed to deflate from her body. Her shoulders sank. Tom took a step closer to her.
"Rachel" Tom said quietly, "What happens in Saint Louis?"
Rachel looked up at Tom, concern and….something else...something she can't quite put her finger on.
"We made port in Saint Louis on the twenty first. We got off the ship. You were still...well you weren't still as angry with me as you had been before due to my saving your life...but things were still complicated between us.
"We were spreading the cure. I turned to look at you...you gave me this smile...a smile that seemed to tell me that we were heading in the right direction, that maybe, just maybe you may forgive me for what I had done.
"We stayed in Saint Louis for three more days. The inauguration ball was scheduled for the twenty-fourth. We didn't get to see each other during the ball though. We were both pulled in a thousand different directions.
Rachel paused and closed her eyes. Flashes were coming back to her mind's eye. She opened her eyes and straightened up.
"Jeffrey pulled me aside. He informed me that my name had been placed in his list of pardons. He also told me that I would be leaving for Nebraska the next day to begin training others on how to spread the cure. He dismissed my security detail and informed me I was free to enjoy the ball without them, but advised me that I should probably head up to pack as my flight to Nebraska would be early the next day.
"I left the room, happy...ecstatic even. I began looking for you, but I couldn't find you. I decided to heed Jeffrey's advice. I went back to my room, but while packing I realized I needed to say...something to you..I wrote you a letter. Most of it was detailing where I was going, but I included...other stuff."
Rachel stopped speaking. She hadn't realized she had began pacing and wringing her hands while speaking and that tears had started sliding down her cheeks. She turned her back to Tom. She didn't know if she could do this, tell him the next part, being shot, dying, heaven.
Rachel turned back to face Tom, "I went to your room, I was going to leave the letter under your door, but you were there. I handed you the envelope. You complimented me on my dress. We...we...flirted. I told you I would see you when I see you. You told me to stay safe and to find you when I got back. It was a perfect moment. We were getting somewhere.
"I walked back to my room. There was a man standing outside my door. I cautiously approached him. He asked if I was the doctor who was spreading the cure and he claimed he hadn't received it. I told him with as many people in the building, he would be inoculated by now. He pulled out a gun and he shot me. I didn't scream. I slid down the wall. I couldn't move.
"Tom, I died in that hallway...in a bloody hallway. Alone. So needless to say, I'm not too thrilled to be going back to Saint Louis. Back to a place where I died...where I may die again."
Tom took two strides and was in front of her. He took her hands into his.
"I'm not letting you die Rachel" Tom said. "We know what is going to happen and we will stop it."
"What if I'm destined to die Tom?" Rachel whispered, "What if I'm destined to not be happy. After I died, I began imagining ways my life could have been different. I imagined...so much."
Tom pulled them over to her bed and sat them down, "I don't believe that. Everything happens for a reason.."
Rachel laughed, "You sound like Darien." she blurted out without thinking.
Tom gave her a quizzical look, "Darien?"
Rachel bit her lip for a second, "When I died, I went to heaven...Darien was the one to greet me. I was surprised to see her. I cried and I screamed...she held me. She became an...amazing friend. I can see why you fell in love with her. I miss her. I miss her friendship. I miss her guidance. She was the one who made me finally admit my feelings for you."
Rachel and Darien were enjoying the day, walking around town. People greeted them with familiar "hello's". Children would run up and give them hugs, then run back off to play. When Rachel once questioned Darien on the ages of people in heaven, she explained that while children would remain the age they died at, adults could "turn back the clock" to any age they wanted from eighteen up. Darien said that most adults ended up "living" in their thirties, even if they died in their eighties or nineties.
Rachel had been in heaven for two years now. Each day it got easier and easier for her. But recently she had been in a slump. Darien had noticed and decided it was time to stop beating around the bush and find out what was wrong.
Darien guided them over to a bench next to the park. They sat in comfortable silence for about five minutes before Darien spoke up.
"Okay, out with it."
Rachel gave Darien a confused glance, "out with what?"
"What's bothering you. You haven't been in this depressed a state since you first got here. What's going on?"
Rachel sighed, "Today's my birthday, or what would have been my birthday."
Darien nodded, birthdays were hard for everyone up here.
"It's okay, Rachel. You can talk to me."
Rachel smiled, "prior to my death, hell prior to the virus, I was so preoccupied with my career. Then the virus struck and that became my life. Find a cure. Save the world. But then I get on the Nathan James and I my life is thrown in a completely different direction….The night of my death, I started imagining my life in a different way, a way I never pictured."
"How so?" Darien probed, hoping to get Rachel to admit what Darien already knew.
Rachel took a deep breath, "I imagined a future with the man I had fallen in love with, possibly having children of my own. Things I didn't think about before."
"The first day we met" Darien began "you told me, in your anger, that shouldn't have walked away from Tom...that you should have stayed and told him what you needed to say. You need to say it Rachel because it's eating you up, the regret."
Rachel pursed her lips in an attempt to control her emotions. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, but the silent tears began to slide down her cheeks. Darien reached over and took her hand.
"You were in love with Tom." Darien said, "It's okay. I'm not mad at you or Tom."
"Tom wasn't in love with me." Rachel argued.
"Do you remember how I mentioned checking in on the living?" Darien asked to which Rachel nodded, "I didn't go into detail as you had just arrived, but we are given an opportunity to look in and check in on family members or even friends at random times throughout the year, it usually turns out to be about every thirty to forty-five days. It's different for each person when their day is, but you wake up knowing it's your day and on my days I'd check in on the kids and on Tom.
"Tom was in love with you." Darien told Rachel. "At first, it hurt, that my husband had fallen in love with another woman so soon after my death. But I quickly realized that I couldn't begrudge him or even you happiness given the state of the world. If anyone deserved to be happy, it's Tom."
"I'm sorry" Rachel mumbled. Darien pulled her into a hug.
"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You did nothing wrong."
"I should have told him" Rachel sobbed into Darien's shoulder. "I should have told him I had feelings for him. I shouldn't have walked away. There are so many things I regret, not telling Tom I loved him, well that is one of my top regrets."
"Tom I…" Rachel began before Tom held up his finger and placed it on her lips. He stood up and began pacing the room. Rachel waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts. After a few moments he stopped pacing and stood directly in front of her. Rachel stood, as she felt somewhat uncomfortable remaining on the bed.
"Rachel...when Tex informed me that he had died, well that hurt. Tex is a good friend. I'm tired of losing friends….but him saying he was greeted by you in heaven, knowing that you died. Knowing that I didn't keep you safe like I swore I would.
"Tom" Rachel whispered
"My heart clenched up, fear began to reside in my body. Fear that I would lose you. I had already lost Darien. I couldn't lose you as well." Tom admitted "I should have talked to you, but I was still so angry at you for killing Niels. When I placed Miller and O'Connor as a security detail and limiting your contact with the crew, it had nothing to do with Niels, but everything to do with keeping you safe. I didn't know how you died. I figured by assigning Miller and O'Connor to protect you, you would be safe. I just wanted to keep you safe."
"I know. That's all you've ever wanted." Rachel said.
Before she knew what was happening, Tom pulled her petite frame to his in an embrace.
"I love you Tom." Rachel suddenly said so softly Tom wasn't sure he heard her right. He smiled into her hair and pulled her body closer to his.
"I love you, too Rachel." Tom whispered, "I'm not losing you."
Soundtrack
I Found by Amber Run
Be Alright by Dean Lewis
You Say by Lauren Daigle
Shallow by Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper
Dark Side by Kelly Clarkson
Wake Up World (feat. Ruelle) by UNSECRET
Without You by Ashes Remain
Right Here by Ashes Remain
Falling Slowly (Once original motion picture soundtrack)
After Afterall by William Fitzsimmons
Cradle by The Rising
Impossible by James Arthur
Battlefield by Lea Michele
Everything by Boyce Avenue
I'd Come for You by Nickelback
One Goodbye by Jayson Belt
We Remain by Christina Aguilera
Already Gone by Disturbed
Ships in the Night by Young Love
Start a Riot by Banners
Castle by Halsey
Forever and Always by Parachute
Not Ready to Say Goodbye by Leah Nobel
Start of Something Good by Daughtry
Mirrors by Madison Bailey
Everything I Need by Skylar Grey
In My Veins by Andrew Belle
Certain Things by James Arthur
Broke by Seether (feat. Amy Lee)
Hymn for the Missing by Red
Let Her Go by Passenger
Fortress by Bear's Den
Promises I Can't Keep by Mike Shinoda
Just Breath by Pearl Jam
Possibility by Lykke Li
Belong by Cary Brothers
Broken by Madison Bailey and Jake Coco
Need You Now by Lady Antebellum
Lift Me Up by Kate Voegele
I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz
Always Hate Me by James Blunt
Not Ready to Say Goodbye by Leah Nobel
Hunger by Ross Copperman