AN: This chapter happens soon after Chapter 117 "Love will find a way" in the main story.
Time: Year 2188, summer.
Place: The ICA station.
Characters: Michael Portman, recruits
Michael lay on a bench in the Atrium under a turquoise turian tree, relaxing to the sound of the main fountain. Most of the big, domed room was filled with trees and plants from different planets, essentially making it a small forest with benches and artwork spread here and there. The main fountain consisted of a waterfall cascading around a statue of Lady Justice. Everyone knew that she looked like Jo, but when asked, Jo kept insisting that it wasn't her. The recruits couldn't quite understand this refusal, because nobody would have minded a statue of Jo. But she kept insisting. She wouldn't even tell him what the matter was, and aside from her husband, Michael was the one to log the most private hours with her.
He remembered the day he got the invitation to the Academy. It had felt like an insult, to say the least. He had thought that the Academy, a human project funded by the Alliance for many years, would simply be a continuation of his miserable service time. Boy, had he been wrong. Jo had dragged him to this station by the scruff of his neck, but he had to admit: that was the first day of his real freedom.
The Academy had completely blown his mind. No longer humanity's elite project, it now housed instructors and recruits from most of the galaxy's known species. Also, it no longer merely trained fighters and survivors. Physical limitations didn't keep talented people out of the Academy anymore, if they could help with Jo's mission to establish peaceful cooperation.
After nearly a year on the station all the instructors, recruits, medical staff, technicians and civilians had become one big, enthusiastic family. At first Michael thought that he wasn't like them, that he would never feel at home here, that he was different. But after a few months he realized that he wasn't. It came almost as a shock to find out that everyone around was just as passionate as him about the exact same thing: they wanted to go out into the world and help people, protect the innocent. Nearly every recruit had some humanitarian project back home they were working on in their spare time.
What shocked him even more was the ease, with which people interacted. Michael's personal point of deep fascination was watching krogans and salarians develop a rapport. The animosity that had lasted centuries was slowly becoming teasing on the krogan side, which the salarians were learning to take with humour. Everyone was developing a thicker hide when it came to interspecies interaction. Everyone was learning how to accept and tolerate others, how to turn aggression into humour, how to avoid provocations. Michael could see history happen right before his eyes as Jo's ideas infected these people with joy and enthusiasm.
Even right now, after the classes were over, he could hear groups of people in the Atrium, telling stories, laughing, arguing. Back in the Alliance this kind of noise used to annoy him, tire him out. But not here. Listening to their voices made Michael smile.
He was one of the few who had no side projects. One reason for that was that he didn't have a "back home". The colony he was born on had been wiped out by slavers decades ago, and so far he hadn't bothered to acquire any property or to make friends. Michael wasn't sorry about that. He had a plan. Once he left the Academy, he would find more work than he could handle. Right now he planned to learn as much as he could in the shortest time possible. That included excelling in his official specialization – Leadership, but also becoming a good strategist, the most effective killing machine, the most invisible infiltrator, the smoothest talker, the coolest under pressure, the most experienced with biotics, a great pilot, a human lie detector, a psychological profiler, intel analyst, efficient hacker and repairman… His personal wish list went on and on – and he could learn all of it right here on the station.
Michael used to think that he was good before. Ranked Staff Lieutenant in the Alliance, he'd thought he knew what he was doing. Boy, had he been wrong. By dragging him to the station Jo had shown him how much he still had to learn. Aside from the official courses, she and Michael had regular appointments where they mostly did nothing but talk. She told him stories from her own life and explained to him that helping others while being on a self-destruct course was not a way to live long and prosper. It was not only okay, it was necessary to have a life outside work, proven by her own bitter experience. She repeatedly encouraged him to open himself to friendships, to a possibility of falling in love.
He could understand the benefits of friendships. There was a deep bond between the members of the Normandy crew. Those people had achieved so much together because they truly cared about each other. Michael had used Jo's words from the first day as a permission to intrude in that tight circle of friends. He joined them at their table in the cafeteria, shared drinks with them at The Bar, spoke to them like they were his buddies and not his instructors – in short, he deliberately pushed his boundaries, thinking that at some point the old, tight team would reject the cocky intruder. That never happened. Perhaps those guys were more accepting of new faces than Michael had realised, but they started inviting him even to private parties, like the baby shower Joker had organised.
Michael still felt like an intruder among them, but… Perhaps he simply never allowed himself to have friends. In his previous life that hadn't been a good idea, and definitely not something he desired. But now he was among people who were exactly like him, and they kept inviting him to be their friend. He knew that it was only the matter of letting go of his old prejudices and allowing other people into his world. But Michael still wasn't sure he really wanted to lower his shields quite that far, because with friendship sometimes came love and that was a disaster.
Jo said that love was a good thing. However, she only ever saw Joker and his love made her world perfect. Michael, meanwhile, also saw Vega. A lovesick puppy who couldn't get rid of the feelings once they took roots inside him, and now forever in agony of seeing the woman he loved happy with another man, unable to leave her side or her employ. In Michael's opinion Vega was a damn fool and a weakling in his own way. He was in a deep mess of his own creation, and Michael could only pity the guy. Love could be unimaginably cruel.
But the other day the most amazing thing happened, and it sent Michael reeling, unsure of anything he used to believe about love anymore. Dex, their resident AI, had installed himself onto a human body in order to be with the man he loved, Matt. Just to think that someone would do such a thing!..
Michael still couldn't wrap his mind around it. The medical experimentation alone involved in the case was fantastic, it was the first official successful case across the whole galaxy. Doctors from many planets were sending in their requests to study Dex in his new body. Dex refused for now, he was too busy building a new life with Matt. And while nobody so far had seen them do more than hold hands, the two men were now constantly seen together, existing in their own private little world of pink clouds and fireworks, a world called Love. That kind of sappiness was beyond Michael, who had to admit: he'd never been in love and couldn't understand. He couldn't believe Dex would go to such lengths for his beloved. He couldn't believe the devotion between Jo and her husband, he could definitely not understand Vega's puppy love and subsequent misery. He had no idea what the deal was.
And yet there was one little thing Jo said niggling at him ever since he saw Dex and Matt come together so spectacularly. During one of their conversations Jo said that Michael only had one facial expression and two moods: indifferent and annoyed. He was surprised to learn that people saw him that way. He never thought himself lacking, but then Jo explained to him: if he didn't feel real emotions, he would never be a good civilian infiltrator, he could never be successful as an undercover agent. People would sense it if his game was merely a game, she said, if he only pretended to care.
That gave him a lot to think about. It was true, he had never been in love. But many people had the same 'problem'. Even Jo in her training days at the Academy rarely showed any human emotions, right? Still, her words struck a nerve inside him. He wanted to work undercover after leaving the Academy, that was his main goal. Not only did he want to be good at it, he also realised not long ago that he wanted to live a long life, instead of heading towards self-destruction the way he had been doing before he met Jo. What if she was right? What if he could only live long and work successfully if he let in emotions and other people?
Jo asked him once: what are you fighting for? His answer was: for every innocent person who needs help. She said: "And I'm fighting for the people I love. If someone attacks them, there will be hell to pay, because of the wave of deep protectiveness inside me at the mere thought. That wave will carry me to great achievements. It already has and it will in the future. Even I can't tell what I'm capable of if my loved ones are threatened. I will not stop, will never waver, never get tired or frustrated. That's what it mean to me to care. Can you say the same?"
Michael couldn't. He was passionate about what he wanted to do, he was even willing to go the extra mile for someone he vowed to save, but… There was a good reason why Jo was called a miracle worker, and he had ended up a nameless human on Tuchanka after the war. Yes, he could see the difference now, after he'd observed what Dex and Matt went through. Saving civilians in danger was Michael's calling and he would do anything possible to succeed. Jo would do the impossible for someone she loved. She'd done it so many times that Michael would be stupid not to accept her proof. Sense of duty made her sacrifice herself in the war against the Reapers, but it was love that gave her the strength to come back after death. After two deaths, really. Michael could see that if he didn't have that motivation, he would never be as successful as Jo. That was truly something to think about.
And now, lying here under a turian tree, Michael felt that he arrived at a turning point of his life. He had options. Continue as before and become great at what he did? Or accept Jo's advice and unfold his full potential, becoming a legend like Jo herself.
What would it be?
Letting go of old beliefs was never easy. Much harder yet was baring his soul and leaving himself vulnerable. All he had as protection were Jo's assurances that in the end it would make him stronger. In theory, he believed her. Maybe one day he would meet a person who would make him feel like Joker made Jo feel. For now, though, Michael could only choose to trust in Jo and follow her advice with blind faith.
He got up from his bench, swallowing around a large knot in his throat. How about putting the theory to a test? Just to see what would happen? He got up and walked towards voices in the garden.
The very first group he ran into consisted of a geth, two krogans and a quarian girl from Michael's Xenophilia class. She waved at him. Against his habit of silently nodding and walking past, Michael smiled at the girl. Encouraged, she beamed at him and called:
"Hi, Michael! We're talking about this human game, golf. Have you ever played it?"
"No, I haven't," Michael admitted, approaching the group.
"There's a new club planetside," one of the krogans said. "We found their promo vid. They have several locations across Chrysalis, and they brag about different difficulty levels. Do you think golfing is as easy as it looks?"
"No, actually I don't think it's easy at all," Michael said.
"We wanted to go and try it on our next leave. Do you want to come?" The second krogan asked. Michael had to quickly fight down the bile filling his mouth. He'd never been invited to a friendly group activity by other recruits before. Had it been his own fault all this time?
"Sure," he managed to say.
"Good," the geth said melodically. "Your aim is always very precise, Michael Portman. It will be a good challenge to play a new game against you and see if I can become proficient in it quicker than you can."
"Yes, I want to see about that, myself," the quarian pointed at Michael. "I want to test if what everyone says about you is true."
"What's everyone saying about me?" Michael's eyes widened. People were talking about him?
"That you're scarily good at whatever you try. A lot of the guys want to know your secret," she teasingly grinned at him.
"There is no secret!" He protested, not knowing if he should be offended by the insinuation or to laugh along with the others.
"That's what we will find out, armed with golf clubs!" One of the krogans challenged him and Michael gave up: he laughed, bubbling with this unfamiliar feeling of easiness.