So I didn't plan on more Raph...but since you all seemed to like him..Raph returns! See how I love you?
"Seriously?" Kurt asked as he rolled his eyes. "No way that actually worked."
Raph shrugged his shoulders, clad as always in the black leather jacket Kurt was plotting to steal and burn at sometime before the Christmas break. "I am a man of many gifts."
"Too bad none of them are between your ears." Kurt shook his head. The bad luck he had always had with Mr. Schue's Hat of Fate apparently followed him. In a move that reminded him of that dreadful month when he was assigned Rachel as a duet partner, due to Mr. Schue catching a terrible case of mono and Coach Bieste's refusal to actually work on anything new, he had been paired up with Raph for a class presentation. Months of carefully planned avoidance and now escape was impossible. At least until Thanksgiving break.
To be honest, much like Puck, once a person got to know Raph, he really wasn't that bad. Of course a person had to look past the tragic addiction to looking like a Hollywood bad boy stereotype and the near constant sexual innuendo. But way down deep, there was a decent guy to be found. Not one Kurt was interested in dating at all, (it would still feel like dating Puck) but a good friend in the making at least.
Realizing exactly what he had just said to Raph, Kurt raised his hand. "And no. I do not want to hear about where exactly your gifts are. "
"Jealous?"
"Nauseated." Kurt corrected. "Is all you think about sex and one night stands?"
"Yeah." Raph answered, with the "what of it" clearly implied by his tone.
"One day you will be a face on a STD awareness poster."Kurt affected a mock sigh. "I'll be able to say I knew you when."
"Just because you choose to live like a nun, doesn't mean the rest of us ignore our natural needs."
"Excuse me?" Kurt arched his eyebrow and shot Raph his best bitch be crazy face.
"Please. You haven't had a date this entire semester."
"I don't think your string of random sex partners would actually qualify as dating either."
"A guy flirts with you and you either are oblivious or avoid him." Raph countered easily. "Case in point."
"I was never interested in flirting with you."
"Or anyone else. Dude, come on. Everyone knows you're still hung up that ex of yours. "
"How would anyone even know I have an ex?" Kurt asked. The answer came to him before he even finished the question. "Stephen" He answered with a sigh.
Raph nodded his agreement. "Biggest gossiping fairy in this place. And that's saying something."
"I'm not hung up on Matt still." Kurt stated flatly. So what if it wasn't exactly the truth. He was doing better. The picture was still buried in the bottom of the desk drawer and he could even make it through a Firefly marathon without a wave of nostalgia rushing through him. Ok, he was still liable to ignore things like homework and food on the occasions they found themselves online at the same time, but he would do the same thing when he was chatting with any of his friends back home. Well, almost the same thing. Still at least he was no longer looking up plane fares for tickets to Barcelona anymore. That was progress right? "We've been over for months."
"Then why haven't you been on a date?"
"Excellent question." Stephen announced as he sat down at their table in the library. "One he's tried to avoid answering for months now."
"I've not been interested in anyone. And I haven't exactly been swimming in offers." Kurt pointed out before turning to Raph. "Yours don't count since you'll ask anyone remotely think is gay."
"If you weren't still hung up on this Matt dude, you'd have offers." Raph pointed out.
"Our horny friend speaks the truth." Stephen nodded. "I've field questions about why you aren't around the clubs from more than one would be suitor."
"And who gave you permission to spill my history in the first place?"
"Hi, have we met?" Steven offered out his hand. "Why you told me anything you wanted to keep secret is a mystery for the ages. How long did we know each other before I told you exactly who batted for our team and who didn't?"
"Five minutes." Kurt admitted. "But you were wrong for about 80 percent of them."
"Details." Stephen brushed off the point. "If you don't want your sad, bad rom-com dating status around our little clubhouse, don't tell it to the queen with the biggest mouth."
"Shut it Raph" Kurt and Stephen ordered in unison as they noticed a telltale gleam in their friend's eye.
"All I was going to say was you're missing a vital college experience here Hummel. Dating guys you were denied in high school is the best part of going to college."
"Again what do you know about dating?" Kurt asked. "I don't think you know half the names of the guys you pick up."
"But they know mine." Raph wiggled his eyebrows. "And they won't forget it."
"As disturbing as this is to say, Raph probably does know more about dating than you do at this point. He's actually out there and really only morons think they're getting more than one night with him."
"Exactly." Raph nodded, taking no offense at the jab.
"I don't want to date some guy I met in a bar on gay night." Kurt protested. "Just no."
"Honey, I would never suggest someone so picky about their socks try that route. " Stephen assured him. "But would it kill you to at least flirt a little? There's no rule that says you have to date every guy you flirt with. "
"I don't." Raph offered helpfully.
"Alright ignoring that terrifying example." Stephen rolled his eyes. "All I'm saying is you and Matt broke up. As in you are free to date other people. Not every date has to lead to true love forever you know. And yes Raph we know, yours don't."
"I am aware of that." Kurt sighed. He really did appreciate his friends for their concern. And in his heart of hearts he knew he was being ridiculous. This was part of what being just friends meant. It wasn't like he actually thought Matt would remain single once he got back to Ohio. He wasn't blind after all. It wasn't like he hadn't considered dating someone else when he was ready. He just didn't know if he was ready yet. Not that he wanted to admit to being pathetic ally not ready three months after said break up.
"I'm just really bad at flirting." Kurt decided to hedge. It was true. He tended to be a little too obvious according to, well almost everyone in Lima, when he was interested in someone. "I tend to creep people out and run them off."
"Shoot honey I'll help you with that." Stephen offered. "Just ask yourself what Raph would say and then say the opposite.'
Kurt giggled at the death glare Raph shot Stephen for that joke. "I'll keep that advice in mind."
"Look I have another option. I know the perfect guy for you. He's an elementary ed major so I don't think you two have met yet. I'll give him a call and you two kids can meet up and thank me later." Stephen smiled as he started to scroll through his cell phone contacts.
"A blind date?" Kurt asked blankly. "Really?"
"It's this or flirting lessons from Raph."
"What are the odds I'll talk you out of this?"
"None. You need to get out there and meet people other than us. I'm tired of seeing 'having a Firefly marathon' being your status update for an entire weekend. You are coming dangerously close to being pathetic, something you are not. You're going."
"I am not pathetic." Kurt protested. "No one who can rock neon pink like I can is pathetic."
"Exactly. So leave all the details to me. You'll go. Have dinner. And then see if there's any interest in more. It's called casual dating. A foreign concept to you now but one I'm sure you'll learn to embrace."
"Don't bet on it." Kurt sighed. "But if doing this is the only way to shut you two up? Then fine I'll meet him. But not dinner. That is way too date like."
"Fine. Coffee. Donuts. I don't really care. Just meet him and see. It will be good for you." Stephen insisted. "At the very least, you have a story for your Facebook wall and if your wonderful ex might be inclined to come up here and sweep you off your feet to win you back if the story is good enough."
Now there was a thought, Kurt smiled. "Well when you put it that way."