MS: Hey guys, I've GOT to apologize for the horrendously long wait. You will NEVER understand how much writers block a later chapter just gave me; and I don't update unless I have the next chapter written and ready to go so there's no pressure :) Butttt here it is! This chapter... Is touchy. I hope it offends no one, because this is a touchy subject I know and guys, all I could do was try my best at it. So here we are; Back to Sam and Leah, and her path to recovery.
She figured some small part of her (big part) would always be bothered by the rain.
The wet drops cascading down from the sky, no matter how soft or hard, still brought memories to the surface inside of Leah that she would've rathered leave forgotten and buried. Not that she'd ever be so lucky, but... Leah still hoped.
Even now, as she lay in bed, legs entwined with her lover and his strong arm slung over her waist, hot, muscled chest pressed to her back Leah's eyes couldn't leave the rainy windowpane. It wasn't horrible out; No epic, torrential downpour to rival the storm that had caused all of La Push so much grief over her but it was epic to Leah. Even if it was just her. The small droplets of cold water, running down the glass and misting with other tiny puddles to form shapes, expressions, all reflections of the great nature of the outdoors.
All memories that made her shiver.
She was so wet. It was raining so hard, even as she struggled she could barely see. Her hand was pulsing... God it hurt so bad. Leah didn't understand it, she'd had broken bones before... Maybe it just hurt more now 'cause she was panicking.
It wasn't like she was willing to spend a lot of time debating that in her head. She wanted to wipe her eyes clean... Was it blood? Or was it rainwater? He was heavy on top of her back and she just wanted him off. Leah couldn't even detect a pattern inside her own head to her thrashes and struggles to shake Karl off her.
But he wouldn't budge.
Leah heard him take off his belt though.
It was like something clicked, then, and for a moment she'd never felt so terrified. Her surroundings blurred, her vision dimmed and all she had in her heart was FIGHTFIGHTFIGHT. So she did.
But he still never moved.
Hell he had his friends help hold her still.
Her face was still wet. Was it blood? Was she crying? Was it rain? Leah felt a sudden, slick burn as Karl shoved himself inside her-
"Sam...?", she asked, not taking her eyes off the dappled grey windowpane. Shadows of the slithering forms of rainwater danced across the floor, and she noted the large black mass that appeared on the hardwood as Sam raised his head.
"Yeah LeeLee...?" His voice was soft; it was always soft.
"How do you think someone... Someone can just do that to somebody...?" He had to strain to hear her words. The arm he kept over Leah's small waist drew careful fingertips along her stomach, trying to soothe her. He could tell in her voice when Leah wanted comfort. He always could.
"Do what...?" He said softly, pressing himself closer to her.
"Rape somebody."
In the blink of an eye the serenity of the room seemed to disappear a little; Sam felt like his own arm over Leah must've felt like a prison to her and maybe he was too close to her. Was he too close? Was he too loud, too touchy-feely? (Yet his response was pulling her back a little tighter to his chest.)
His mind began to reel from the simpleness of that one brutal little query. Unease had settled over the couple in the bed and Sam could almost feel himself start to hyperventilate. Carlisle had said talking helped... Yeah, he had to let her talk... But what could he say? What if he said something wrong? What if he made her feel worse...?
Leah had only been out of the hospital ward at Carlisle's for a week, and this was the first night she'd spent sleeping over at casa de Uley sans Emily Young. Was it too much, too soon...?
'God Sam... Pull yourself together... Jesus.'
What made everything even worse... Was the fact that he didn't know the answer.
"I... I don't know, LeeLee... Some things just don't make sense, I guess..." She was quiet again. Sam's fist clenched at her stomach. Just how could people do that? Why would you ever want to hurt someone like that...! ...How was he supposed to answer...?
It always started like that. It may have been the first time Leah directly brought up her ordeal herself, but there was always someone. Some person at the grocery store. Some asshole on the sidewalk. Someone always brought it up.
"What a pity. Poor girl's still hospitalized, I heard."
"Sue Clearwater was almost off her rocker most of the time she was gone. Her brother too."
"Won't matter now, Leah will be crazy enough for the works of em if it's true that she was raped and beaten. That sorta thing just doesn't go away."
Everytime Sam heard a comment like that he wanted to punch the person who said it in the face. Knock their teeth out, strangle them with his bare hands. Let them go through what his LeeLee had to go through.
Because it was fair.
What happened to Leah wasn't fair.
As he pondered, he confirmed himself; it always started like that. Hesitation... His worry, his panic. Then it progressed to an anger and rage so deep and dark his black fur finally made sense to him.
Sam was murderous. If only he could find them now... If only he knew where those pricks had run off to, he would-
"Do you think, maybe... Maybe that sorta thing, happened to them once...?"
He looked down at her again. Sam wasn't aware his eyes had slipped to the pelting windowpane, actually... He wasn't aware that the rain could actually be heard outside till now either.
Gave him the chills.
Maybe Leah was right, though... That's how freaks became freaks, right? How serial killers started, how hundreds of people ended up dead. Some poor sap's horrible upbringing. Had they all been treated like that? Victims of slander, abuse and sexual torture?
Sam didn't know how long he pondered her words. It was a really valid point... Like father like son. Maybe Karl's dad had had an itchy trigger finger. Maybe he was a drunk. A fiend. Maybe Janice's mom was one of those crack addicts that sold out her own daughter for drug money. The list went on and on and on.
Sam got angrier, and angrier. Leah's warm, soft hand rested on his arm. He must've been shaking.
See, all of that... It never gave those fuck-ups any excuse. It didn't. Not at all.
Because Sam's dad was an asshole too. A real grade-A fuckwad who did nothing with his life except drink, smoke, and beat the important people in it till even he saw no more reason to stick around such a useless place. Joshua Uley had been a tyrant. Sam had watched his father beat his mother to the point of blood; and then he'd seen his own bruises in the mirror if he tried to intervene, as a child. No more than five.
He watched his old man bring home women... Other women to tease and aggrivate his mom, even if he didn't understand what was going on back then but now he did... Jesus, Sam had witnessed things as a child that should've fucked him up.
But it didn't.
At least... He didn't think it did... Leah used to tell him he was nothing like his father. Even after he'd hurt Emily, and he'd felt remorse and guilt so strong he cried at night not because he hurt the woman he loved but because he was scared of turning into the man he hated. Leah still told him he was no Josh Uley.
He was Samuel Uley.
One smart kid, one bright bulb and with a whole lot of positive leadership qualities to offer.
So... If Sam was put through hell and back as a kid, and turned out alright...
What the fuck was their excuse?
"Maybe, Lee... I dunno. It will never make it okay. I don't care if their damn father was Hitler... it doesn't make it okay." He spoke lowly to her, the restless hairs at her neck and ears moving with his soft, huffing breath. Sam went back to watching her then... She was so lost inside her thoughts. Her blue eyes never came back to his. They stayed on the floor, watching the delocalized shadows of the rain.
"Mmm... I remember watchin' movies, and crime shows... Hearing girls scream when it happened to them... It used to make me cold inside." Sam actually felt the shiver shoot up her spine. "...Did I scream like that...? Didn't he get cold inside too...? I hated that feeling... Why didn't he?"
Every word she spoke was like another dagger to Sam's slowly-repairing heart; another cold drop of rain that had imaginarily sprung a leak from his roof, landing on his forehead and jolting him from rest. It was pain.
Sam never wanted to hear her scream. (But he had.)
And once again, Sam wanted to douse himself in that freezing rainwater and twist that dagger because he had no way to answer her. No way to make all of her pain and nervousness run from the hills; No plausible escape route for her. Once again he was sitting on the damn fence with his thumb up his ass, and goddamn useless. He absolutely hated it.
"Because he was just..." Sam growled; a wolfy sound that seemed to come from the angry inner beat within. "They were just fucked up people, Leah... They need help. But only after they get what they deserve."
(Sam didn't want to get them help; Sam wanted to get them grave sites.)
"Mmm... D'ya think they ever think about me?"
"What do you mean?"
"If they have any regrets... They took off, didn't they? They don't know if I lived or died..." Leah's voice was so estranged from the bold, bright and sarcastic girl he'd known before this whole disaster. She was making a recovery... Sam knew that. The girl wouldn't of been lying in bed, in his arms if she hadn't been. But still... Every now and again Leah talked and it seemed like all the happiness had gone from the world.
"You know... I wish I knew how to help you."
She looked up at him, head turned a little to see over her shoulder. (He noticed the way her eyes inconspicuously overlooked the marred scar of her bullet wound, underneath the thin string of her pajama shirt.)
"You saved me."
"No. You saved us. And I still feel like I'm here and I can't return the favor. ...Please just keep in mind that I wish I could... I really, really wish I could." Sam's voice got even lower and softer at the end and Leah hated it when he took that tone. She never wanted to mention it to Sam... But sometimes it made her feel like she wasn't doing as good as she could be. Like she was still only taking babysteps to getting back to her old self. She'd been doing good, hadn't she? She slept over his house... They kissed... She let her Mom throw a welcome home party with the entire pack...
Just why did he think he was never enough? When he was still everything she'd ever wanted.
Leah didn't know what to say... Frankly, after the outburst that drove her into the storm of her life she didn't have it in her to argue his statement.
"I love you." She whispered.
Sam pulled her closer.
My love; Leave yourself behind.
Beat inside me; Leave you blind.
My love; You have found peace.
You were searching, for release.
Carlisle told Sam she would be jumpy; Unused to kind touches again and maybe rebuff a helping hand simply because she could. Regaining control. Learning all over again, the feeling of getting used to your loved ones and their affection. Fear.
As soon as she stepped in through the door, Seth flew to her. He wrapped his arms around her like she was the greatest thing he'd ever seen; Hell, she probably was... Because the last time he'd seen her she hadn't been looking so good, and that was a fact. It hurt Sam, though... It probably hurt Seth more. She cringed; as soon as his arms came into contact with her stiff, uneasy frame Leah's body jerked a little like a bolt of electricity had run through her... Like 'this is Seth; he's your brother. This isn't Karl. And Seth would never do anything to hurt you.' ...
You gave it all; Gave into the call.
You took a chance and, you took the fall for us.
You came thoughtfully; Loved me faithfullly,
You taught me honor...;
You did it for me.
Carlisle told Sam she would be disassociated from her usual self; And would experience a serious lack of confidence. The most common behaviours before will seem terrifying... Nerve-wracking, and Leah might carry a feeling of disbelief for just how she could've been the way she was. Of course, being vulnerable, or attention-grabbing would be a strict No.
She always loved the beach. It was like Leah's second home. You could find her there, diving, swimming, exploring the rocks or sunbathing any given time of day or night because that was just who she was. Partial nudity came with it; No one could rock a bikini like the infamous Leah Clearwater. Sam and the guys found themselves missing that when Leah wore a pull-over black, baggy hoodie to the beach supper they'd planned, and denim capris to boot...
Tonight, you will sleep for good...
You will wait...;
For me my love.
Now I am strong; You gave me all.
You gave all you had...
And now I am home...
Carlisle said patients can go two different ways. Some veer away from human contact after sexual assault or abuse, and don't want to be touched or comforted. Or even socialize. He said others tend to fair just a bit differently, and feel the obsessive need to stick close to anyone and anything that the victic might perceive as safety. Or love and affection.
She spoke about it; Or expressed her need for it but Sam wasn't allowed to leave the room. Not after Leah was allowed out of bed, that is. In bed she seemed okay; Lost inside her own mind and her own dreams. But in a sea of people, or somewhere public she was knitted to Sam's side. Her hand in his, his arms around her just because he was warm. He was warm, and he was safe. If, god forbid some reason Sam couldn't be around for a few hours, Seth or Jacob took his place. Hand in hand, arms around her. Yeah she never spoke about it... But it was painfully obvious that she needed protecting...
My love;Lleave yourself behind.
Beat inside me; Leave you blind.
My love, look what you can do;
I am mending, I'll be with you.
Carlisle said that maybe she wouldn't dream ever again; Or, if she did, they would be horrible, screaming nights that forced her to return to the darkest depths of hell inside her own mind all over again. Nights of rolling over constantly, legs and arms kicking and whimpers into the silent night around her. Maybe they wouldn't ever stop.
Sometimes when she slept Sam put his head to her chest; Just to see if she was still there. She was so still... So eerily still that it seemed like her living, Leah coming back to him had been all some sick, twisted fantasy... A fairtytale dream. She never made a sound when she slept. Every now and again, on the nights where Sam would lie awake because it was raining and he expected the worst, he might've caught a tear drop or two leaking down her cheek. That was it.
You took my hand; And added a plan.
You gave me your heart.
I asked you to dance, with me.
You loved honestly; Did what you could release.
Aaah... Ooohhhhh...
Sam looked down at her. She'd fallen asleep in his arms. He felt bad for a moment... He didn't think he'd answered her.
But he did... Oh god, he did. He adored her. Loved her. Irrevocably. He would've liked to dare Romeo and Juliet, or Bella and Edward to his and Leah's love. They've suffered more; Been through harder trials and true love won out in the end.
They'd learned to live for and with eachother; They'd saved eachother.
Sam knew he had to keep saving. Even now... As Leah lay asleep under the hard curve of his arm, her small back pressed tightly to his chest he saw the tears gently rolling down her cheeks. Would he ever tell her she cried when she slept? He didn't need to... He saw Leah wake up in the mornings, drag herself to the bathroom rubbing at the dryness on her cheeks. Wiping at her face with a cool cloth. Sam could read it on her face.
Her red eyes, the dark circles... She knew she wept when she slumbered. Of course she did.
But Leah would always be Leah... And keep that minor issue to herself instead of talking it out because that was her; That was her way. Leah Clearwater; Strong, and brave... Determined to live life on her own after the day life broke her in half.
I know; In peace, we'll go.
I won't... Relive this loss.
Leah would get better. Sam knew it.
Even if it was one step at a time, he just knew it... He thought honestly, they all did in a way. Because she was Leah; She always bounced back. Nothing could tear her down, she'd proved that. All alone, she'd done and accomplished so, so much...
So with the right helpers along the way, only god knew what else she could be. What else she could do.
Leah will sleep beside him in bed; Kiss him, and tell him she loves him. She'll make herself laugh and play with her pack brothers because that's what she was to them; She was love and she was strength. Maybe they hadn't seen it before... But they did now.
(Sam saw it all along; But who was he to judge?)
Now I am strong.
You gave me all...
You gave all you had;
And now I am whole.
(beat inside..)
My love, leave yourself behind.
Beat inside me, I'll be with you...
Sam gently kissed her forehead and let her cry. If bottling things up, at least for awhile, was how Leah dealt... Then Sam would let her. If it was how she recovered, Sam would watch and help every way he knew how.
Just another baby step, just another sunny or rainy day.