Chapter 4: Blue Lightning
Pathfinder, SAM's voice said. This angara shares genetic material with Evfra. I can confirm that they are closely related, most likely a parent.
Ryder's breath caught.
"She's related to you," she said quietly after a moment. She couldn't bring herself to say that she was likely his mother, but judging by Evfra's expression, he knew. I sent him on this chase… and now he has lost his family twice.
For the longest time all Evfra did was breathe, overcome, eyes fastened on the remains. Ryder wanted desperately to somehow soothe his pain, but knew that there was nothing she could do. In fact she had done quite enough already, she thought bitterly, landing them in a trap designed to break him. He had been right about her; it had been a curious whim, a desire to do something for him that would indebt him to her and now he paid the price for it.
Well, perhaps that was unfair. She had been genuinely thrilled at the prospect of saving his family, and once Evfra seemed to warm towards her since they set out from Aya, her priorities had changed from desiring his respect to desiring to just do something for him because she wanted to. She shifted her weight and wondered uncomfortably if she should back away and give the Resistance leader some privacy, but something told her that it wouldn't matter; he was alone in a grief that no one could penetrate, no matter how close. Perhaps if he had a little hope…
Ryder opened her mouth to say that the rest of his family may yet live, and that she wanted to continue the search with him, but she stopped herself. What was there to search? The entire mission had been a setup from the start and she refused to participate any further in a scheme clearly designed to bring Evfra to the brink; she shuddered to think what a disaster that would be if what happened here broke his spirit, imagining the downfall of the Resistance, the last of the angara swept away by an ocean of kett and the Initiative along with it. Instantly hot shame welled up inside her for even thinking of such consequences in the face of his tragedy; it wasn't just the Resistance leader who couldn't afford to break, Evfra as a person did not deserve this torment. No one did.
Suddenly with a roar of rage that seemed to come from the depths of his soul Evfra's clenched fist smashed into the glass, making a crack, blue blood spurting from a myriad of wounds breaking open on his knuckles. Ryder jumped, heart climbing into her throat and she took an involuntary step back before freezing on the spot. His fist drew back and he drove it into the same spot, over and over again. Electricity began to crackle with each blow until smoke trickled from ashen burns along the surface of the pod, but it still did not break.
Shivering with emotion, Evfra's hand lowered to his side and he turned away slowly, stepping over the bodies littering the floor, pausing here and there when he saw an angaran face among the dead as if memorizing their faces. Ryder couldn't begin to imagine what he must have been feeling, but the desire to take it all back and undo the harm she had inadvertently caused was an almost unbearable ache.
At first, Ryder had wanted Evfra on her side in a general sense, she saw him as a gruff, hardened fighter who knew how to point and shoot, send men and women to die and who also happened to be influential enough that she needed him. His lost family had been an opportunity, regardless of her personal motivations, no matter how callous she felt for thinking of them that way. The sobriety of what she was witnessing, especially considering her role in it, made her realize how much more there was to Evfra. Even if any doubt had lingered in her about it, the expression he wore now would have disabused her of the notion. She would have given anything at that moment to have discovered his depths under any other circumstances than the terrible way she was learning it now, but at the very least she knew she would never again underestimate the pain someone in his situation endured.
"Evfra," she began, unsure of what to say but knowing she couldn't keep her peace any longer, "I…"
"After all this…" Evfra interrupted, his eyes drifting across the dead, flames of hate burning painfully in his eyes whenever they touched a kett corpse. "I somehow found myself believing you. Now look at us."
"Evfra, I'm…" Ryder stepped closer, overwhelmed with his loss and her guilt. "I swear to you, this was not our doing," she faltered, snatching back the hand she had half extended towards him when his eyes fixed on her, raw emotion spilling out as surely and steadily as the sapphire droplets beaded at the tip of his fingers. His eyes were a silvery maelstrom, and the longer their eyes were locked, the more anger seemed to seethe in him. Anger at her, she thought miserably.
"Every day angara die through my actions," Evfra said as coldly as Voeld's icy winds, "but none of my actions have been burdened with such terrible hope. There is nothing more for us here," he broke eye contact and slammed a foot into the nearest kett, its lifeless body absorbing the hit, cushioned as it was by other bodies. Without another look in her direction, he stormed out, his stride stiff with anger; but what made Ryder's heart twist was the hurt he clearly tried to hide from her. In the fraction of a second before his eyes left hers his face had crumpled in pain. He walked through the doorway that lead onto the corridor she had discovered and eventually the vibrations of his footsteps faded away.
"That can't be healthy for an angaran," Ryder said softly, hugging herself as she stared after him, shivering. At this point she wasn't sure the cold would ever fully leave her bones no matter how much warmth she got. "All that anger, that sorrow… I think he has been hiding it for a long time." No matter what had happened here, she was sure that had he truly let go of his family and mourned them properly the false hope she had given him would not have impacted him so deeply; or maybe she was trying to avoid the conclusion that she was responsible.
He has demonstrated unusual restraint for an angaran in previous encounters, SAM's voice agreed in her head. Perhaps his leadership required a different approach which has now been compromised by this experience.
"Yeah," Ryder said, tears building in her eyes before cutting her face with ice as they rolled down. "And I took that from him." How could she possibly undo this mistake?
It may help to find the culprits behind the trap and bring them to justice, SAM suggested.
"I suppose," Ryder agreed. "I think it will take a little time to regain his trust enough to even begin unravelling that knot. Well," she briskly wiped away her tears as best she could, walking back to where she had left her gun to pick it up and holster it. "The very least I can do right now is make sure he doesn't bleed to death. Those gashes looked deep."
Yes, Pathfinder. SAM went silent.
As she approached the door to follow Evfra, she slowed and looked back at the pod. The glass still smoldered from Evfra's punches; a last message of pain left over his mother's grave. She would find someone to come retrieve the body and lay her to rest, in whatever manner the angara deemed appropriate. Discreetly; she didn't want Evfra finding out about it until he had time to cool down, sort out his grief and maybe even find a little closure. Besides, she very much feared that any action on her part right now would only enrage him for her continued meddling and lose whatever shambles of trust remained between them. I'm sorry, Evfra, she thought, and left.
The corridor did indeed lead her outside without any more twisting and turning; as she looked over her shoulder once she took a few paces away from the doorway, she realized just how large the compound was. It was a little amazing that they had found their way in there in the first place, though on reflection she thought that the pair of them had been neatly shepherded to the heart of the complex where they could make their grim 'discovery'. Biting her lip, she wished she understood what was going on, that the remaining pieces of the puzzle would fall together in her mind, but there were still too many details and not enough context to fit it all together.
Roaming around in the snow, she finally found Evfra staring silently at the distant ghosts of mountains, seemingly lost in thought. His injured hand flexed with an unconscious rhythm, a patch of blood dying the snow blue beside him; clearly he had been standing on the spot for some time now. She approached him, not quite wanting to risk talking to him and have him look at her with such anger again. Keeping a few paces distance, her eyes travelled across the landscape, hoping for some point of reference, but everything looked the same to her: white, bleak and endless.
"SAM, can you get us back to the Nomad?" she asked softly.
Before SAM could answer, Evfra spoke unexpectedly. "It's that way," he pointed to his left without looking.
"How do you know?" Ryder asked, despite herself.
"I did not fall unconscious as you did," he replied. "It's not far." Without another word, he started off in that direction.
"I'm not sure I'm going to make it," Ryder remarked under her breath; the naked cold of Voeld was rapidly cooling her already cramped muscles until every move was a great effort. In comparison, the frigid kett complex seemed like a hot summer's day – and a swiftly fading memory of one at that.
To her surprise, Evfra heard her and paused, looking back at her with… could that be concern? "Techiix lies between us and your Nomad," he said. "We can stop there."
"I'm not sure I'll make it that far, either," Ryder said through chattering teeth, blushing a little. She knew it was no one's fault, but it was embarrassing to feel so frail when Evfra clearly didn't mind the cold in the slightest.
"Come this way," he turned away and started off in a new direction, not bothering with an explanation.
Evfra lead them to a cave of some sort that became a tunnel as they went deeper; by Evfra's confident strides ahead, Ryder assumed it would eventually lead them out close to Techiix, or some other hopefully warm place. She was grateful for the shelter from the wind and for Evfra's native knowledge of the planet that helped them find it in the first place, but by the time they had slipped, climbed and jumped their way through what looked like built corridors and past looming glaciers and dangerous chasms, she wasn't sure she wouldn't have preferred to just given up hours ago and let herself be buried under soft, numbing snow. Her hands ached with what felt like a million cuts and bruises, her skin too fragile to withstand gripping ledges and scraping across ice even despite the protection of her gauntlets and her muscles felt rigid and ready snap; but worst of all was the fact that the pain was fading from her feet, and that was definitely not a good sign.
What kept Ryder going in those moments of physical doubt was the growing conviction that may be able set things right with Evfra. She first realized there was a sliver of hope that she might yet achieve that goal when her hand slipped on a particularly slippery ledge and Evfra caught her; his grimace was expected, but she saw a flash of worry in his eyes that took her by surprise. That was the second time he had shown concern for her, a quality he most definitely did not have before. Even just a few hours gone when they escaped from their 'prison' she was sure that he would have left her to die without a tear of remorse, but she was beginning to think she needed to reevaluate him. Or perhaps it was just being here, on Voeld, so close to whom he had been before becoming the leader of the Resistance; here, he was just a man.
It also stirred something else in her: her empathy for him didn't wane in the slightest, but she took his changes in disposition over the past day and especially the unexpected small, protective gestures he made, like helping her climb along a ledge by keeping an arm behind her in case her numb legs slipped, as a sign of a fragile closeness that made her thoughts wander in directions that made it increasingly difficult to look him in the eye without blushing, though he seemed not to notice the effect his gallantry was having.
Maybe it was unintentional, but Ryder suspected that his image of her had changed meaningfully and, like any angara would, he expressed it in his actions without reservations. She only wished she knew what she had done right that made his anger toward her fade. All in all, it was as if she had just met the man beneath the title for the first time; at first, it was a little exhilarating, like catching a glimpse into a room where no one was allowed, but as time passed she was more concerned than curious, to the point where she wasn't sure any longer if he really was the same man. It was a foolish thing, but she almost wished he would snap her head off and sigh in vexation the way he always did.
Lost in her thoughts as she was, before Ryder knew it she was climbing out of a narrow vent that was in sight of Techiix. Desperate for the beckoning warmth, she tried picking up the pace and almost went sprawling as a result, but again, Evfra was there to catch her arm.
It was ridiculous; six hundred years and a galaxy away from home and she felt like a character in a romance novel with a doubtful plot and frequent, excruciating beach scenes. Of course, the beaches on Voeld were more likely to be icy deathtraps and Evfra was no tall, dark and handsome mystery man, but her grateful feelings for keeping her alive and safe on their harrowing journey made her feel very warmly towards him and that in turn made her feel foolish. Suddenly the subtle change in their interactions gave her an idea; maybe she could make up for her mistake, heal at least a little of his sorrow; hopefully enough to keep him going until he could forgive and forget.
Techiix inched closer slowly and Ryder briefly daydreamed of gliding closer in the snug cabin of the Nomad. She fixed her eyes on her feet and concentrated on each step after a while; time seemed to pass faster that way and anything that took her mind off her body was welcome, though it still seemed a much too long journey anyway. Then, finally, they were walking past the watchful eyes of the angara posted outside and she and Evfra stepped into a wave of heat that actually brought a whimper of relief from Ryder before she could stop herself.
"Is something wrong?" Evfra asked.
Ryder laughed. "I'll be fine – just give me a minute to catch my breath," she said, sucking in the warmth into her lungs. Then, she strolled closer to one of the angara's precious heat lamps and bathed.
Life support is online, SAM reported.
Life did indeed seem to rush through her, though her aches and pains didn't really dwindle that much; still, it was a relief to finally feel like something other than a block of ice. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Evfra prepare to leave her there and she hobbled after him as quickly as she could, falling in step for a moment before lightly touching him on the shoulder to stop him when they neared an open door. Now that blessed warmth was returning to her again, her legs and arms felt like water, so she was relieved when Evfra didn't just stride away and ignore her; she doubted she could have stopped him.
"In here," she gestured into the empty chamber, briefly eyeing the lamp burning inside with longing, and added, "just wait here a moment. I'll bring bandages. We can't have the leader of the Resistance walking around like he went through a meat grinder."
"A… what?"
"Just stay, please," Ryder said.
"I don't take orders from you, human," Evfra muttered, but his heart wasn't in it and he went inside. Likely a part of him had wished for solitude, otherwise he would have ignored Ryder's suggestion from the start; right then she didn't care what his reasons were, she was just glad he followed her instructions. Suggestions.
"I'm not ordering you, but you need to get that patched up," she replied.
She went in search of bandages, mumbling expected benisons and hasty explanations that got her past anyone she met and somehow she even managed to keep it a secret that Evfra was there, though eventually those who had seen him would talk. The more time she spent in the warmth and light the better she felt, and she for a short time she wondered if being angaran just rubbed off you and she was regenerating as they did; though, an almost twisted ankle as she rounded a corner warned her that her assumption was probably wrong.
Moments later she was shutting the door behind her, closing Evfra and herself inside the small chamber. She extracted her fingers from her gauntlets a little clumsily and fussed with the supplies she had brought, directing Evfra to stand near the table in the center of the room before pulling herself up onto it. After all she had gone through that day, there was no way she was going to patiently stand around while her legs trembled beneath her.
"What do you think the medics are for, Ryder?" Evfra asked as she finally put everything in order and reached for his injured hand.
"Sometimes, among us humans, we share our feelings with people who lived through an experience with us," she said, not meeting his eyes, and she began to clean his wound. It occurred to her that in reality she had no idea how to treat an angara's wounds, but she figured that it couldn't be that different. Plus, the power of the lamp would weave its ultraviolet magic on the blue-streaked skin. "Maybe talking about it might help."
Evfra remained silent, remarkably placid under her ministrations, though when she glanced at his expression his frown was dark enough to make her avert her eyes again hastily. She wondered what went on in his mind when he looked at her like that; probably passing judgement on her every little move and disapproving of every bit of it, she thought. Or, on further reflection, maybe not. Considering his change in behavior, his expression may not have had anything to do with her at all. If she looked at it that way… It was almost as if two sides of him were mixing together for the first time, now that they were among his people again; the man was becoming the leader, but one needed to release his pain and the other needed no distractions, like hot and cold air colliding. The thought relaxed her a little.
"When Scott and I lost our mother, we talked about it. Maybe your medics do that, but by my people's customs…" she sighed, realizing she was repeating herself. "Look, I don't know how angara do this, but I'm here for you, if you want to talk."
Silence.
"I know you don't trust me, Evfra," Ryder looked up at him defiantly before returning her attention to the hand, now winding the bandaging around it. "I know that you think that the Initiative betrayed you, but it doesn't even make sense! Surely you must see that," she tucked the end of the bandage under his palm, wishing she had medigel on her. "The whole thing was just so badly executed, there's no way that…"
Before she could let go of Evfra's hand and pull back, his hand caught hers and suddenly her whole body seemed to come alive. She gasped, looking up at Evfra's face, shocked at the rawness of his gaze, the depth of his feeling and how open he was in that instance. It was a blizzard on fire.
"I need you," he growled and kissed her hungrily. The touch of his lips on hers was cool and electrifying, sending her heartbeat racing and making her aware of herself in ways she didn't even know were possible. In the back of her mind she supposed it might be literally electrifying, but the thought was swept up in a current of feeling that obliterated everything in its path.
Just as suddenly, Evfra pulled away and stepped back, angry, anguished eyes fixing on the far wall, hand dropping hers as if burned. Ryder immediately wanted to lean back into him, her desire strongly clouding her mind, but shock kept her at bay. Emotions cascaded through her, uncertainty and confusion prominent among them, but it was very hard to ignore her heightened senses; it was as if Evfra had awakened her for what seemed like the first time in her life and though the senseless wash of raw feeling was suddenly gone, her body remembered it vividly.
"I apologize, Pathfinder." That was all he said, his voice full of an emotion that Ryder could not put a name to, but the formality was clear enough in his words.
'Pathfinder.' Now she was just 'Pathfinder' again, as if he hadn't just kissed her? All her combined irritation and fury at him since the first time she met him on Aya seemed to surge through her; he would not just dismiss what happened. She slowly slid off the table to step nearer. "I didn't mind," she said before she could stop herself, surprised for a moment at how steady and calm her voice was.
The look he gave her dampened her burning sensations for a moment, so full of those feelings that she felt as though he reached out and touched her soul. His eyes took her in almost sadly, though his desire was still plain behind it all. With one hand he cupped her face.
"I do not pretend to hold your heart, but I do need you, if you would have me," he said, his voice a little rough, the coldness he always seemed to radiate replaced by an almost overwhelming loneliness that made her heart beat faster with a need to fill it.
"I would, Evfra," Ryder gasped, and as the last word left her lips his arms were around her, pulling her in without hesitation this time, the burn of his fingers trailing along her spine not searing as before, but slowly building in intensity; most electrifying of all, though, was his burning need.