"Puck, would you like to tell me why you think that I just left you guys there?"
"No. You don't deserve to know." His eyes were focused on a glare, arms were crossed and his shoes were on the table.
"Maybe. But, what if I'm innocent. What if I looked for you the entire time. Wouldn't you like to know the other side of the coin?"
"Even if you looked for us the entire time you failed. You couldn't find us. You didn't stop him from doing anything. So, what does it matter? What does your side of the story mean."
"It could mean link pieces of the puzzle together."
"I don't want to hear it."
"Well, we have an hour to kill. What would like to do?"
"Nothing."
"I'll pick then. Could you tell me why you are less mad today? You haven't yelled yet."
"Why should I tell you?"
"Because I care about you."
"Bullshit. If you cared about me, you would have found us."
"Do you know where you were, when the cops found you?"
"A basement. Aren't you paying attention, when the cops talk to you? Or did you still not care then?" That one hit me straight in the heart, but I refused to show emotion. He didn't need to see that his words hit me.
"Of course I was. You were in a basement, in a cottage in the middle of the woods, in Ohio. Do you know what state before your father took you."
"New York."
"So all the time that the police and I spent searching for you. We had no idea that you and your siblings were in a different state. So, no matter how hard I searched. I wouldn't have found you in that state."
"But, you could have looked all over the country for us. You didn't even try."
"I hired a private investigator. Because I couldn't leave my job that paid for all my searching. I looked everywhere for you guys. Because I've always cared about you."
"That doesn't change that you never found us."
"I've found you now, and I've moved out here. Now, would you like to talk about why you are being civil today?"
"You made my siblings happy."
'You did Shelby. You've broken through a wall. You got an answer.' Another deep breath to keep the mix of joy and sadness from bubbling to the surface.
"So, you've been able to see them."
"Yes."
"How was it?"
"Why?"
"Because I care about you. Even though I was able to be with you for two years, I always had you all in my heart and my mind. I want to know how you feel about things. So I get to re-get to know you. Because I remember little Noah. Now, you get to show Puck."
"What if I don't want to show you, Puck. What if I don't care about you?" His eyes seem to go narrower, and his posture went when more stiff.
'Brush it off!'
"Then, I'll wait until you want to show me, Puck. It doesn't matter whether you care about you because I will always care about you."
"What if I never want to."
"It's up to you. Though I prefer that you would."
"Okay."
"That's fine. So how was seeing your siblings for the first time in a while? It's clear that you love them based on what you said during the last meeting. That even if you didn't like me that you would be willing to go home with me because you would be able to be with your siblings."
"It was fine." By the tone of his voice, it was clear he was done with the conversation. I didn't mind, I was celebrating that I was finally able to break through a wall. I was able to make progress. The phone home tonight, wouldn't be just tears. So, I just sat there until he started to get fidgety. Drumming his fingers on the table to the beat of some sort of song. That's when I knew I had the chance to start another conversation.
"What song is that?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Can't I be curious?"
"Sure."
"Fair enough. But, are you?"
"I Love Rock and Roll, by Joan Jet."
'Yes! You won."
"That's a good song. What other songs do you like?"
"I don't remember a lot of songs. One of the only ones that I really remember. Haven't listened to a lot of music for a long time."
'Fucking bastard, wouldn't even let them listen to music. If I could.' I stop my thoughts there. I wasn't going to let myself show any emotion other than love, or compassion. I didn't want to give him a reason to get scared or nervous.
"What do you do during your free time?"
"I dunno." He was clamming up again. That was fine. Just like earlier, I was happy to at least be talking to him without yelling. I was already making a plan. When they came home, each of them would have something in their room, just for them. Puck's would be a CD player with a ton of CD or maybe it would be an MP player. I would make sure that every Jone Jets song would be there. That's when the silence filled the room again. I waited until Noah's social worker was in the room.
"I'll see you later, Noah. I love you." He says nothing, but I made sure to smile. He walked out of the room. I wanted to dance a bit and call Mom to have her celebrate with me. But, the next meeting was in an hour. Enough time to drive there. I can call Mom later.
'Don't count your eggs before they hatch.' The thought was staggering. Causing a feeling of dread to crawl up my skin, and make it home there.
'Stop it, make sure that you stay positive. You can do this.' I slapped myself lightly. Then, stood up and walked to the car. Next was Blaine's meeting. I made it to the next meeting spot with five minutes to spare. So, I spent my time knitting. Which was an odd habit I picked up once I moved here. Again, my sister pushed me out of the house and brought me along to a knitting class. It was odd, but it helped me keep my thoughts from constantly invading my mind. I was able to get a row done by the time I saw Blaine and his social worker rounding the corner. Blaine seemed to be guarded. His eyes darting around the room and his posture seemed tense. This was the point where I wanted to sigh. But, this is what I wanted. To be a Mom as much as I can. Even if that means dealing with breaking down walls. I would do it all in a flash for them to be back in my life. Blaine noticed me, and his eyes went wide a bit, and I smiled.
"Hi Blaine, how are you doing?"
"Doing well. Thank you."
"So, what would you like to do? I brought a couple of books, some coloring books, and some board games."
"Books, please." I went into the large backpack, saw him a flinch, but I pulled the books anyways. Although it made me curious.
'That stupid evil son of a female dog.' I let that thought go all the way through. I couldn't help it. He had hurt all of them so much.
"Which book would you like?" I asked as I put the books onto the chairs next to me. He looked at each of the books, his eyes lingered at one, then he looked back at me. I gave him a nod, indicating that he could pick that one. He ended up picking one of my favorite books from when I was younger. "Button Soup." I got down on the ground in front of my chair and started reading. Making sure to show him the pictures as I read. At the end of the book, Blaine's eyes were wide and sparking.
"Did you like it?"
"Yes." Unforently he didn't seem like talking about his joy.
"What was your favorite part?"
"Dinner."
"I think that mine was him in the cellar with all the meat."
"Cool, too." His posture was less stiff, and his eyes, though still darting were no longer darting across the room at rapid speeds.
"Would you like to do something else, or would you like me to keep reading to you?" I waited a few minutes for him to respond, but he said nothing.
"Blaine, would you like to pick another book." He blinked, then looked over at me.
"Yes, please." He went over to the books, and I looked at where he was staring off into space at. There was no one there. Odd. When I went back to look at Blaine he was holding a book to my face, and I smiled.
"You want this one?"
"Yes, please." So, I read that one as well. But, this time I kept an eye on him. I wanted to figure out when had caused him to drift off into space. Once I was done, he was already up and looking at the other books. I was in heaven. He looked so happy, and blissful. Although he was still a tad bit tense, it was nice to see him with his guard down. He handed me the book, and I started reading again. I finished the book. He was already up and looking at the other books.
"What did you see over there?"
"Just a person."
"Okay." He grabbed the next book and I read it again. We did that until the rest of the books were gone, and to be honest, I was tired of reading. Although I would have read them all again for him.
"We're out of books. So, which one was your favorite? Mine was Button Soup."
"Mine was the horse." I didn't know what to say, and he faded into his own thoughts. We stayed like that for a while, when I decided two or three questions couldn't hurt if I was careful.
"So, what board games do you like?"
"Candy Land."
"Why?"
"Only one I know."
"Well, I brought a couple if you'd like to play." He looked up at me, his shoulders shaking just a tiny bit, but not a word came out his mouth.
"I have Shoots and Ladders, Guess Who and Candy Land."
"No, thank you." He was tense again. His eyes darting everywhere, but it seemed to be more of fear than caution.
"Are you sure you just saw a person?"
"I'm sure." His words came out of his mouth almost too quickly, but in fear of making him scared again, I didn't push it wasn't worth. So I thought. We stayed quiet until the social worker came to pick him.
"Bye, Blaine. See you later. I love you." He walked away without a word. Just like Noah did. I got up from my spot on the floor and packed up all the books. Once they were all back into my bag, I walked over to the next spot. Where I was meeting Santana.
'I wonder what Blaine saw. As soon as I stopped distracting him with those books, he was even more on edge than beforehand. Did I do something?' After what was only a few minutes that seemed to drag on for forever, Santana was sitting at the table across from me.
"Hey Santana, how are you doing?"
"I'm doing well, thank you." Her voice was quieter than less time. Odd.
"That's good. Today I brought a couple of board games we could play, a coloring book or two, and some books that I will admit were more meant for Blaine, but you could read them too of course."
"How is he?"
"He seems scared, just like you, but he seemed to love reading. At one point I think he saw something that scared him. Did you see that too?"
"No, ma'am."
"You can call me Mom, and are you sure. You seem on edge."
"Of course I'm on edge. Our Father could be looking for us at any minute!" I wanted to recoil. But, I couldn't. Before I could even blink, she was panicking. Rocking back forth in her chair. Muttering, I'm sorry rapidly like her life depended on. I got up from the chair and walked over to her. Making sure that she could see me, I slowly got closer until I was close enough to touch her, and just like I did with Blaine I wrapped her in a hug.
"You shouldn't be sorry for raising your voice. Although snapping at me wasn't all right, there is no need to apologize. You're okay. You're safe and I'm not going to hurt you." She wouldn't stop rocking as I kept my arms tightly wrapped around her. Making sure not to hurt her, of course. I noticed that her knuckles had scars littered all over them, and her hands were as well. Forcing my mind off that and focusing.
"Santana, tell me five things you can see and breathe. In an out." I told her firmly. She took a few minutes to focus on her breathing. And I reminded her, in and out every once and while, in an attempt to help.
"Backpack, celling, chairs, picture, and you."
"Five things that you can touch."
"You, floor, chair, table and the bookshelf." Her rocking was slowing down. Perfect.
"Five things you could taste."
"Apples, oranges, salt, bread, and corn." Just a little bit more.
"Five things you could smell."
"Perfume, Cologne, pies, cakes, and cookies." I let go of her and she was stopped rocking, and her breathing was still a little uneven.
"Would you be willing to tell me why you panicked like that?"
"Father got very mad at us for getting angry." I was not sending my child into another panic attack after just getting out of one.
"Your father is far away, he won't be able to hurt you again. Now, what do you want to do?"
"Could I color?"
"Of course." I watched her as I pulled the markers and the coloring books out my bag, she flinched as well. She picked a picture from the book and started coloring. I grabbed the second book and picked a page. Which was some sort of flowery pattern? Honestly, we didn't talk, well, we colored. These meetings were about building trust. I was worried that if I pushed too much that it would ruin the trust that was building up. When, they got home, and a little more comfortable I could push a little more. Once I finished my coloring page, I ripped it out, and I wrote a message.
'I love you so much. Stay strong.' I hoped that maybe it provides some comfort. Or something. Half of me didn't care if she ripped it up, just her seeing it was good enough for me. I looked at the clock, we had ten minutes left.
"What are you coloring?"
"A seahorse."
"Could I see when you're done."
"Yeah."
"Puck was telling me about how he hadn't been able to listen to music at your Father's. Have you heard anything good, since you left."
"No. I hear a few things on the radio, but nothing that I really like."
"What type of music do you think you like?"
"I have no idea."
'Stupid question idiot.' I watched as she put the cap on her marker, and tidy up. She slid the open coloring book towards me. I smiled.
"It's beautiful."
"Thank you. Can I see yours?"
"You can keep it."
"Yours is pretty too, and thank you."
"Thank you." Santana's social worker walked in with a smile.
"The meeting is over Santana." Santana stood up, and I did too.
"Bye Santana, I love you."
"Goodbye." Santana waved, then walked out the door behind the social worker. I packed up my stuff, then sat back down. I put my face into my face, barely kept in my sobs.
'If I could turn back time. No Shelby, you couldn't control what happened. It's not your fault. It's nobody's fault but his. Nobodies. All you can do is pick up the pieces and clean up the mess he left. At least she showed some sort of emotion. You're breaking through, Shelby. You can do this.' I stood up from my spot and walked my way over to the next meeting place. Just Rachel's left.
So, that was my monster chapter. Which wasn't that big, it felt pretty big. Eight pages to be exact, which is double the usual. I'll be on vacation for the next two weeks, so I think I'll end up just making a bonus chapter, so I get something out. Anyways, thank you to Sarah11650, Spawn and Guest for reviewing. Thank you to Lusia and bproofmgmt for following.