Long story short, going to the dentist sucks -_-

Disclaimer: i dont own naruto

i have a question for everybody...who the fuck is kate middleton and why i keep hearing her name? O-o

and im trying to find out who this kasie antony girl is, cuz my brother was talking about it.

oh anyways here is the story.

Retriever's Retribution

Jiraiya of the Sannin, Toad Sage of Konoha, respected author of the Icha-Icha series let a small satisfied smile grace his features. He hadn't felt this happy in a long time. After the sage had seen his prized student die, the one who he had put all of his hopes and dreams on, and the person he had come to think of as a son perish sealing the Kyuubi inside his only son had been too tragic to bare for his heart. The Sennin had remembered leaving for the gates that very same day with a heavy heart, unable to stay in the village that reminded him so much of his passed on disciple. Jiraiya went on to dedicate himself to his spy network, keeping the now deceased Sandaime Hokage up to date with crucial information around the Elemental nations.

He had completely wiped the child from his mind, telling himself over and over that he was living a good life in Konoha and didn't need him around, But no matter how hard he tried the boy who he had seen for no less than a day tore at his heart. Thinking of his blonde hair that looked so much like his father's, and his whisker marks that marked him as the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, gradually the guilt that had built up had finally become too much for the aged ninja. Jiraiya had made his way to Konoha.

He had avoided Naruto for a little while before it couldn't be helped any longer, and the two had met. Naruto had looked so much like his father it had taken all of his ninja training not to get himself lost in the boy's nostalgic presence.

Jiraiya had cursed himself for his stupidity over and over again unwilling to forgive himself for his mistakes. He wished he had been in the boy's life much sooner. Jiraiya stared into the hospital window sitting on a tree branch just outside of it. Naruto and his friends were sound asleep, the boy had finally met people who he could bond with. He had originally planned to take him on a 3 year training to pound the fundamentals into him after witnessing his less than satisfactory ninja abilities, which later on he found was not his fault. The fact had angered him greatly, his training had been tampered with, and unfortunately he had no one to blame but himself.

The plan to take him was a completely out of the question now, he couldn't deny the boy what had been denied to him all his life, companionship, true companionship. With one last look at the face of Naruto's sleeping form, Jiraiya leaped into the night. He chuckled to himself as he sped through Konoha's rooftops, only one thing on his mind.

'Wonder how everything's going to turn out now.'

Naruto scratched his head as he looked at the contents in front of him, this was always the hardest decision he had to make all day.

"Miso ramen or Pork ramen?" he asked himself, he was so deep in thought that his eyes had reduced to tiny slits(you know that thing he does). He was currently at his favorite ramen shop after a hard day of training with the rest of the guys, before he had left the training ground though, Shikamaru had given them all sheets of paper and some Jutsu scrolls with their respective training schedules on it, what he saw had horrified him. The list had specifically told him to limit his ramen intake to only two bowls a day. Needless to say Naruto had been less than pleased, and he had made it well known by screaming his head off to a half listening Shikamaru who's only response was to shrug here and there.

"Stupid lazy bastard." he mumbled as he once again looked over the many different ramen toppings that the shop presented. It was hard to choose when all of them happened to be his favorite.

"Damn it! Just give me one of both Ayame nee-chan!" Naruto yelled slamming his fist onto the table, the brown haired ramen waitress just nodded and smiled heading off to tell her father the order, not questioning Naruto about his strange behavior or unusually low ramen order. Naruto waited patiently for his ramen, a happy-go-lucky smile on his face. Well at least Shikamaru hadn't taken away ramen completely from him. The orange clad ninja finished his ramen quickly, eager to get home to see the cool jutsu's that Shikamaru had set for him.

Naruto unlocked his opponent door and walked inside, he practically ripped his orange jacket off his shirt in his hurry. The young blonde took the scrolls and sat down on his bed, he opened them eagerly and started to read.

The first Jutsu Bunshin-Daibakuha. This Jutsu is an A rank offensive Jutsu, it works in conjunction with the shadow clone Jutsu, it creates a clone that has the ability to cause a great explosion on command, it also…

(Line Break)

"Ahh!" Naruto launched a punch towards his opponent. Today he was sparing Neji again, and he was having amazing progress. Before, Neji was a Taijutsu powerhouse who deflected his techniques as soon as it came, and much to his chagrin, the Hyuga prodigy did it with little effort, but now? Now it was different.

Neji felt Naruto's fist whiz by his head barely missing him. The Hyuga boy back flipped away for distant, but Naruto seeing his opportunity rushed using his newly acquired speed to its fullest. Naruto reeled back his fist and unleashed it just as Neji was recovering from his flips, the fist connected hard sending him flying. Neji managed to back flip in mid air and land on the tree that would have made for a painful impact if he had not recovered in time. Neji stared at Naruto and Naruto stared back, each of them eyeing each other closely. A tense silence hung in the air as the two ninja stared each other off, looking for the slightest twitch of movement. A bird suddenly tweeted nearby and as if reacting to some unspoken signal both disappeared in a blur of speed.

The two met each other at the center of the field and crashed together in a heated Taijutsu battle. punches and kicks flew at lighting quick paces, anybody passing by would have only seen a blur of limbs. The battle ended when their two fists connected at the same time sending a chakra shockwave through the area sending small bits of debris everywhere, both of the ninja were thrown back by the force of the blows, Naruto and Neji both impacted a tree at almost the exact same time with back breaking force, the young ninja slid down the hard wood breathing heavily. Neji raised his tired head to look at Naruto. The blonde ninja in front of him had earned even more of the Hyuga boy's respect (if that was possible). Naruto had once been nothing in his eyes before the Chunin exams, now just in a couple days he had turned into one of the most formidable opponents he had ever fought.

'And that's all without the demon's chakra.'

Neji reactivated his Byakugan (they had deactivated when he hit the tree) when he saw the blonde boy struggling to get up to his feet, Neji attempted to do the same, not willing to be outdone. He gritted his teeth in pain as he stood on his aching legs. The two had been fighting for a while now, he couldn't remember how long though, all he knew is that after the fight had started Naruto had unleashed a myriad of Ninjutsu that Neji was certain the boy didn't know yesterday.

Neji should not have been surprised though. The night Shikamaru had sent each of the boys home with their recommended Jutsu scrolls and their training schedule, Naruto had come back the next day challenging each of them to a spar wanting to show off his " Awesome new Jutsu" as he had so eloquently put it. Naruto had challenged each of them one after the other( him the most for some reason) and they had watched in amazement as he unleashed chakra consuming Ninjutsu after chakra consuming Ninjutsu. one after the other on his unsuspecting sparring partners and worst of all, he showed no signs that he would have stopped anytime soon.

Naruto's improvement had been downright intimidating to all of them. They had all improved amazingly ever since the training started together with all of them including Chouji, and later Kiba's partner Akamaru who they had welcomed to the team as the sixth member (to Kiba's insistence). They had all improved leaps and bounds, Chouji had turned a good portion of his fat to muscle from his vigorous physical workouts which had worried some of his clansmen as no one from their clan had ever put so much effort into the physical aspects of ninja training. Chouji was now significantly faster than before, but still had enough girth to perform his clan jutsu's adequately

sadly though the fan girls had dwindled.

Kiba had come to the spars with new family jutsu's that he learned with Akamaru including some that he had invented. Neji scowled, No one had been happy with his 'Dynamic Marking.'

Shikamaru had proved to be the second one who had improved the most beside Naruto. The Nara boy had turned cold and calculating when he entered each fight. Neji sometimes found himself astonished at the strategies the boy used to fight, in the end though the Hyuga prodigy had soundly defeated the shadow user. He knew in the back of his mind that any prolonged fight with Shikamaru though would not end in his favor. Neji stopped his train of thought abruptly when he saw the fox like boy charge at him with a roar.

"Come on Neji! What are you doing standing there looking dazed, were in a fight here!" Naruto sped towards Neji with his fists reared back ready to do damage. The byakugan user stopped and focused, he started to spin and released a large amount of chakra at the same time.

" Hakkeshou Kaiten!" Neji screamed activating his absolute defense. Naruto unable to stop crashed into the rapidly spinning shield of chakra, forcing him back. Naruto skidded on the ground painfully getting cuts and bruises over most of his body in the process. Naruto stood up immediately and rushed Neji again with complete abandon. The Hyuga widened his eyes with surprise at Naruto's quick recovery. Neji was not a prodigy for nothing however as he dodged the reckless punch that Naruto threw at him by ducking, Neji smirked when he heard Naruto gulp, he knew what was coming. Neji gave out a battle cry as he hit Naruto in the chest with two palm thrusts each hand laced with chakra. Naruto found himself flying through the air once again crashing into the ground. Naruto had apparently run out of stamina as he didn't get up this time. Neji sighed in relief and headed towards his friend to help him when a cry rang through the training ground.

"Doton: Shinju Zanshu no Jutsu!" Neji was unable to dodge when two hands came out from the ground and grabbed him by both his ankles. The Hyuga boy felt a pulling sensation then a strong sense of vertigo, after that he was in the ground with only his head visible. Neji heard a hoarse laughter coming from the trees, a moment later Naruto jumped out. He was a mess, his orange jumpsuit had large tears and holes in it revealing cuts and bruises everywhere, blood dripped from his forehead and into his eyes. But despite how he looked the blond was laughing shamelessly at the Hyuga. On the other hand Neji was reviewing the battle in his mind to see what had lead to his defeat. He was once again surprised when he saw the Naruto he had hit burst into a poof of smoke.

' but how, I remember hitting the shadow clone dead on, he couldn't have switched, I was focused on him the whole time.'

Naruto seemed to notice his confusion. The boy began to sway on his feet barely staying conscious before he could pass out Neji heard three words "Super Kage Bunshin…" then… he passed out. Neji found himself also getting tired, the fight had taken a lot out of him. The Byakugan user didn't resist and let sweet unconsciousness take over.

A few minutes later a familiar figure walked out of the surrounding forests. Shikamaru clad in his normal Chunin outfit came upon the slightly amusing sight of a roughed up Naruto laying by a Neji head. The shadow user pulled a stick from unknown origin and started to poke each of them for good measure. He smiled when a familiar grunt of ramen came from the blonde boy and just a plain grunt from the pale one. Shikamaru put away his stick and smiled.

"Troublesome."

( Line Break )

Naruto scowled as he looked at the white hospital ceiling that he had come to detest so much. He couldn't believe he was back here again, he absolutely hated hospitals, from the nauseating smell to the barf inducing mush they called food, he hated all of it. Naruto was thankful that the Kyuubi was going to heal him and he would be out of here in a few hours. Naruto smirked slyly and looked at the open window. He didn't have to wait for three whole hours did he? He laughed to himself and jumped out of the hospital still dressed in his hospital gown, he never noticed the slight breeze that went up his legs.

"Ichiraku Ramen shop here I come!" he yelled gleefully. Naruto failed to notice the horrified looks from the men and the embarrassed blushes of the women that followed him as he ran to his destination.

(Line Break)

Naruto was slurping the wonderful noodles of Ichiraku ramen while making small talk to the waitress that he had known most of his life, the girl stopped when she noticed what he was wearing.

"Umm Naruto-kun what are you wearing?" she asked. Naruto stopped eating and remembered where he had just come from, the ramen had totally made him forget. (it could do that to you)

"Oh this! I just escaped from the hospital Nee-Chan," he said.

"Naruto-kun you shouldn't do that, the doctors and nurses know what's best for you." she said scolding him lightly. Naruto pouted

"B-but nee-Chan they had no ramen!" he protested.

Ayame ruffled his hair, she loved his loyalty to the stand and he was absolutely the cutest when he pouted. She embraced him in a hug over counter getting the sudden feeling to smother him in her sisterly affection. Naruto didn't protest and enjoyed the feeling of her comfortable chest, unfortunately the moment was ruined when a customer took the seat at the farthest end of the bar. The two took immediate notice to her presence, Naruto looked at her features and got the sudden feeling that he should be remembering something. The women took gave him a quick glance before making a noise of disgust at him. Naruto just ignored her and gave Ayame a soothing look when he saw she was ready to reprimand the woman. He assumed that this was one of the more straightforward of Konoha citizens who went out of their way to outright express their hatred for him.

"Boy." the stranger addressed him, Naruto almost choked in surprise, but quickly regained his composure.

"Y-yeah?" he asked.

"Since you seem to be so fond of this place, tell me what you recommend." the woman all but demanded.

"Umm sure…well I love the Pork ramen, the Miso ramen is pretty good too. I heard girls like to diet so the Chicken ramen would be a good choice if your into that, since it's the healthiest." Naruto continued to ramble as the about ramen, not noticing the woman roll her eyes and walk out of the bar. Naruto raised his head to see the woman walking away.

"Hey where you going! You haven't had any of the ramen!" he yelled to her back, the woman didn't even give him a second glance, before long she had disappeared. Naruto scowled at the encounter that just happened. What was her problem, she had just up and left. Naruto huffed, some people could be so rude. Ayame noticing his frustration offered him a free bowl of ramen to cheer him up, Naruto politely declined, remembering his diet. The young ninja finished the bowl he had been previously devouring before heading out. As soon as he stepped out a huge wind blew through the area. Naruto felt a weird sensation down under but dismissed it. A shrill scream broke through the area and he turned to see a blushing Ayame with her mouth cupped between her hands.

"What's wrong Ayame nee-chan!" he asked in alarm. Ayame just silently pointed downwards, Naruto followed the direction of her fingers and gasped in horror. Naruto Uzumaki had finally noticed his complete lack of boxers… or any sort of underwear for that matter. The fluttery hospital gown he was wearing did nothing to hide his shame as it blew in the wind.

"WHAT THE HELL!"

( Line Break)

Naruto scowled as he looked at the hospital ceiling for the second time today, only this time he couldn't leave even if he wanted to. Naruto had returned to the hospital humiliated and embarrassed, he had been greeted with a smirking Tsunade holding his orange jumpsuit along with his boxers, daring him to escape from her hospital room again. Naruto had nodded mutely trying to salvage his remaining dignity. Now he was waiting none too patiently for Tsunade to finish looking him over so he could get the hell out here and go to Shikamaru to get another Jutsu scroll from him, as he had finished with the one he had given to him before.

Naruto had by no means mastered all the Jutsu that he had seen in the scroll, he only had a basic understanding of it, enough for him to use it in battle. He recalled that for some reason he had made the least progress with the Bunshin Daibakuha, Naruto found that unacceptable. Kage Bunshin was his first real Jutsu and to not be able to use a Jutsu that went together with it frustrated him to no end.

Tsunade finished her analysis of him and sent him on his way, Naruto rushed out of the hospital room and headed for the direction of his apartment. Naruto smiled when he remembered something. He may have been out of jutsu's to learn from the scroll but he did have a super strong sensei that was bound to know a couple good ones. With that thought in mind the hyperactive ninja headed straight for the Konoha hot springs.

( Line Break)

"No!"

"Please!"

"No!"

"Please!"

"NO!"

Jiraiya of the Sannin clamped his head in annoyance as the young ninja boy followed him on his way to the hot springs. Couldn't he see that he had to do some very important very research to do, the ladies were waiting for him!

"Shut up gaki! if you want me to teach you a Jutsu." a lecherous grin appeared on his face.

"Show me something to convince me like last time, show me something big that catches my attention, Like that little Jutsu of yours." the Sannin suggested slyly while wiping a bit of blood from his nose.

"Screw you Ero-Sennin!" Naruto said heatedly. Jiraiya scoffed

"Tch, fine if you don't want an awesome new Jutsu ill just leave then" Jiraiya replied walking away. The white haired man had honestly expected the blonde to concede to him and show him his sexy Jutsu, unable to pass up the chance to learn something else. Needless to say the Sannin was surprised to hear what came out of Naruto's mouth next.

"Well if you don't want to teach me a new Jutsu, then can I come research with you?" Naruto asked. Jiraiya was too astonished to form words, in all his years no one had ever asked him to tag along in his research.

"W-what?" he asked dumbly.

"I said. can I come research with you Ero-Sennin" Naruto repeated.

"Umm sure…I guess." Jiraiya said, the Sannin jumped into and started ninja jumping towards the hot springs with the young boy following close behind. In the corner of his eye he caught a mischievously smirking Naruto, the sight had eerily reminded him of a certain red haired kunoichi prankster that he used to know, and the thought sent shivers up his spine.

'Kami be damned, what the hell did I just agree to.'

"Hehe that's it baby come on, that's it ooh! that's nice, real nice." Jiraiya muttered with a perverted grin watching the women play around the hot springs down below completely unaware of the less than innocent eyes that were watching them. Jiraiya let out an involuntary giggle and started to write frantically, getting newfound 'inspiration' from his 'research'.

Jiraiya stopped and looked to see if his blonde haired companion was enjoying the view as much as he was. Jiraiya was startled when he saw how focused Naruto was on the women. His eyes were watching their every movement occasionally stopping to jot down his own notes on a notepad that he had given him. Jiraiya thought the kid was taking this a little too seriously, but he just shrugged his shoulders and continued to watch the women pulling out his handy binoculars to get a better view of a particularly pretty looking one. If that's how Naruto did his research then he wasn't going to stop him.

( Line Break)

Naruto was jotting down his final plans on the notebook that Jiraiya had given him, he was sitting on his bed at home about to go to bed, but not before he made sure that everything was perfect for what he was going to do tomorrow. Naruto nodded in satisfaction when he saw what was written, and put away the notes inside a nearby drawer. He laid down on the bed and smiled. If Jiraiya wanted something big, then Naruto was going to show him something so big that he would have to teach him a thousand jutsu's. tomorrow he would show Jiraiya and probably everybody in Konoha why he earned the title of number one ninja at surprising people.

( Line break )

Naruto stood on the Hokage monument overlooking Konoha, his orange jacket was unzipped down the middle making it blow in the breeze that was blowing through Konoha. It was midmorning in village, the perfect time for him to begin. The civilian children were at school and the ninja kids were at The Ninja Academy so most people that were walking about were adult ninja and civilians going about their morning routines. Naruto put his hands and started gathering chakra, more chakra than he had ever gathered before.

(Line Break)

Civilian and ninja alike went on alert when they sensed the huge chakra upsurge that went through Konoha.

Tsunade who was at a council meeting stood up ready to defend her village with her life, she immediately mobilized ANBU and left the council chambers leaving behind some terrified elders.

Kakashi at a nearby training ground deactivated the Raikiri in his hands. He was practicing his signature move to increase the amount of time he could use it when he felt the chakra. He rushed back to the Hidden Leaf assuming the worst.

Kiba scowled as he cleaned out the Inuzuka kennels today. Did dogs have to shit so damn much everyday, it was really pissing him off. Worst is that he had to be the one to clean it. The dog boy stopped his train of thought when he felt a massive gathering of chakra. He looked up in the general direction it had come from.

"What the hell?"

A bandaged Neji was sitting patiently near his uncle Hiashi watching the Hinata being overcome by her much younger sister. He sat disappointed as he observed the battle, there was not the same fire in her eyes when she had fought him, the skill and determination she had shown that day had left him impressed. It was too bad that her kind nature prevented her from striking her sister. The Hyuga boy was startled when he felt chakra ripple through Konoha.

"Neji get them to safety!" his uncle commanded, the aged clan leader then rushed outside, his byakugan activating.

"Hinata-sama! Hanabi-sama!" Neji beckoned them over and he immediately put them both behind him, ready to give up his life to protect them.

Chouji was running for his life, possibly the most destructive and bloodthirsty creature to ever walk the planet was behind him right now. Fan girls. Chouji pumped his legs as hard as he could, scared for his life. immediately Neji's guidelines to fan girls were blazing through his mind.

Rule 1: do not feed the fan girls.

Rule 2: keep a safe distance…they can smell you.

Rule 3: you must follow rule 1 and 2.

Chouji almost face faulted when he realized that didn't help him at all. Chouji began to run with renewed vigor as he saw the fan girls gain speed. How the hell were they so fast!

Chouji stopped when he saw the girls look up, he followed their gaze and saw many ninja squads jumping onto the rooftops, this put the Akamichi on high alert.

"What's going on? I better go find Shikamaru."

With that the Genin left to find his longtime friend, much to the disappointment of the girls.

Shikamaru was sitting on a hill just on the outskirts of Konoha doing his favorite activity…cloud watching the boy lost himself on the fluffy looking puffs in the sky, content to have nothing in his mind and just laze about. Then he felt it, chakra pulsed from the village and the recent Chunin sat up.

"Damn it. Why does everything have to be so troublesome."

Jiraiya of the Sannin was deep in thought, yesterday Naruto had been quiet throughout the whole time they were researching, he hated to admit that after a while he had missed the boy's loud behavior, and the silence had sort of scared him. The toad sage had shrugged it off at the time, but now it was slowly creeping back into his mind for some unknown reason. Jiraiya snapped his neck to the north, there was a massive chakra source being gathered there. Jiraiya being one of Konoha's senior ninja rushed to the scene. Jiraiya much like his apprentice had a sudden feeling that something was going to happen…something big.

Naruto felt his chakra reach the halfway point, he nodded to himself, he needed the other half for the second part of his plan. Naruto put his hands in a cross seal and yelled out his signature Jutsu. The cry echoed through the Hidden Leaf.

"Tajuu Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

All movement in Konoha stopped for a brief moment. Then it happened a giant poof of smoke seemed to engulf the village, then everything started to become orange, clones of Naruto filled the streets of Konoha, the rooftops and the alleyways, no crevice of the village was left uncoupled by one of the boy's clones. Everyone stopped to stare at the clones, the civilians in the streets were gazing half in a fear and the other in curiosity at the ridiculous amount of clones the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki had spread throughout Konoha. Everything was silent, Naruto Uzumaki had just successfully silenced an entire village populated mostly by highly trained assassins. It seemed like even the animals surrounding Konoha were frozen in astonishment at the sight of the clones. The silence was broken by Naruto's slightly scratchy and adolescent voice. He didn't know if the pervert would hear it so he said it as loud as he could.

"Ero Sennin! You wanted something big you got it!"

Everyone heard the simultaneous voice of the hundreds, no thousands of clones that now occupied Konoha loud and clear. A single thought ran through the minds of all Konoha civilians and ninja alike.

'Who the hell is Ero-Sennin?'

The original Naruto put his hands in a seal and gathered his remaining chakra for the last part of his plan.

Jiraiya arrived just in time to hear his name being called out. as soon as he heard it Jiraiya knew that whatever was going to happen was somehow, maybe, possibly his fault.

"Oh crap." the toad sage muttered.

Naruto grinned as he finished gathering chakra, he was a little surprised that no one had stopped him yet, but whatever. Naruto screamed out the name of his latest Jutsu, his thousands of clones doing the same all throughout Konoha.

"Konoha Dai Harem No Jutsu!"

The end.

i originally did not want to repost this chapter, because of the second half where its mostly comedy, i just didnt feel like changing it and also it was my first try at comedy and some people said it was pretty good actually even my other story Naruto Hangover which is just a comedy people seem to like. so i kept it thinking it wasnt too bad for comedy, so thats why the next one will be kind of comedic too, the people who have read this story already knows whats coming next. lol when i heard the nae kate middleton i was like, i love kim possible!