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IV. Trophy Cat alog
"Yeah it is. Remember when we egged it with Puck last summer? He had found out her address when he broke into the personnel records in Figgins office. Her face had been priceless." Santana shook her head in disbelief. "But for her to set us up? My bullshit detector must be off cause I could have sworn the dragon wasn't lying. Besides she always has us spy on glee club. Why would she not involve us this time?"
"She wasn't on my list of suspects." Brittany frowned. She turned back to her bag and pulled her notebook. "I mean, why would she hire us to find the culprit if she's involved."
"Coach is all sorts of unhinged most of the time." Santana narrowed her eyes and began to reach for the ignition.
"San, what are you doing?" Brittany covered the Latina's hand to prevent her from turning the key.
"I'm not going to sit out here and be punked by Sue and stay here all night cause she played us. Come on. Let's go back to your house. Isn't Allie working tonight? That means we get the whole house to ourselves."
"But that's not Sue who walked in with the trophy. Coach is a blonde! We don't know who that lady is and that means we don't know if she's not returning the stolen trophy before coach knows!" Brittany leaned forward. Her bottom lip jutted out in a pout and her blue eyes widened. "Please, San, can't we at least look and make sure that we got the right bad guy."
Santana sighed. Brittany's pouts were undeniable and certainly more irresistible than Puck sauce or whatever Puck had been talking about earlier that day. Her dark eyes lingered on the quivering lips and her girlfriend's big eyes. "Fine, but we have to do this stealthy. As much fun as egging Sylvester's house was last time, it was only fun cause we weren't caught. So you are going to have to lose the hat."
Brittany didn't even care when Santana removed the hat from her head because she was so excited. She picked up the recorder once more. "We are pursuing the suspect who picked up the trophy from Marty's. We have followed the unidentified woman all the way back to Coach Sylvester's house. Very fishy if you ask me even if there are no fish."
"B, you can finish your entry later. We still have to find a way to observe this chick without Sylvester observing us." Santana gave her girlfriend a head nod as a way to get her moving.
They both opened their doors at the same time. Britt grabbed the belt from Santana's bag of goodies and strapped it around her waist with a satisfied expression. She even twirled around so Santana could get a better look at her new accessory. "I look hot. Like a ghost buster but for criminals."
"Or maybe a carpenter." Santana smirked, but her eyes told a different story. The dark pools of brown looked the other girl up and down. "Good thing I think you look good in anything."
"Ha!" Britt snorted. "You think I look good in nothing even more."
The blonde threw a flirtatious wink over her shoulder before she bounded away from the red car. Santana opened her mouth, but closed it quickly. Somehow Brittany always got the last word. No choice left but to follow the blonde, Santana skipped around the car and caught up to walk alongside Brittany.
They walked around the bushes which lined the street and peeked around to the front yard. Luckily it seemed that the woman hadn't noticed them or the parked red car which had followed them from the Marty's store.
"Do you know what you're doing, B?"
"Of course. I've been watching Scooby-Doo forever. It's time to split up!"
Santana frowned. "Serious?"
Brittany nodded vigorously. Blonde locks of hair bobbed up and down. "You go that way." She pointed to the backside of the garage. "And I'll go that way." This time she pointed to the opposite side of the house. "They always do it on the shows."
"Fine." Santana's frown deepened, but she didn't argue. With a deep huff and a few mumbled words in Spanish, she walked towards the garage. Her eyes glanced up towards the double doors wary of motion sensors like the ones at Brittany's house, but no light ever came to life. As she rounded the corner of the garage past the green Oldsmobile, Santana made one longing glance back to where she had left her Britt. But she couldn't see the blonde investigator extraordinaire anywhere. Leave it to the dancer to have skipped across an entire yard without making a sound and to have already snuck around the house while Santana stood like an idiot looking back wistfully like it was a movie or something. She kicked at a loose rock on the driveway and sighed once more.
The garage doors had been secured and closed by the time they had arrived at Sue's house so they hadn't even seen the woman enter. Santana did find a side door to the garage and a few windows. If Brittany gave her a boost then Santana was sure that she could push open the window and crawl through the space.
Santana pulled out her cell phone from her tight jeans pocket and began a text to Brittany. Knowing Britt, Santana figured that the blonde was already inside questioning their only suspect and getting them kicked off the cheerios. Images of Sue sitting in a chair and yelling at Britt flooded her mind.
Her finger pushed the send button right as she felt strong fingers around her waist. Suddenly hands pulled her back into a warm and familiar body. Flushed against Brittany's front, Santana smiled softly at the contact and leaned her head back to look up into blue eyes. A small vibration tickled her backside.
"I think I got a text."
"I was just wondering where you were." Santana turned around in the blonde's arms and hooked her hands behind the other girl's neck.
"Me? I was over there." Britt tilted her head back to bushes only a few feet from where Santana had been standing.
"The whole time?"
"Of course! Hello, it's always bad to split up! Plus I didn't want to be that far away from you, but I couldn't help but practice some of my awesome spy skills on you." Brittany smiled.
"See anything you like?" Santana batted back playfully.
"Maybe." Brittany said. Santana leaned in for a kiss, but met with Britt's long fingers on her puckered lips. "But I can't tell you what I saw until this case is finished, San."
"Fine, but I am going to remember this."
"You better." Britt pulled away from Santana and looked at the door. "So what were you thinking? A boost to the window because you know that coach would have safe guarded against that."
"I didn't even think about that. Yeah she would be crazy enough to do that."
Britt looked back to the door. Her lips turned down at the corner with disappointed. She shifted her eyes down as well and caught sight of the belt around her waist. Instantly her mood brightened. "San! Do you think you can go all Lima Heights Adjacent on the door? You know like pick the lock or something?"
The taller girl opened herself up for Santana to have a full look at her belt of goodies so she could pick out the right tool. Except San didn't have the heart, or to be exact, the courage to actually admit to her girlfriend that despite whatever she claimed in school, Santana didn't have razor blades in her hair and she had certainly never picked a door lock before. "Sure. Um…I'll just use these ones."
She picked out the smallest longest tool she could find. It kinda looked like a much smaller and very ineffective nail file so maybe with some luck she would be able to work the door. She kept her head down so she wouldn't have to meet Brittany's eyes. Her body shifted to block the blonde's view of the door. The small needle looking thing fit into the key slot easily enough, but after that, Santana had no clue what she was doing. Instead of admitting defeat, the Latina jiggled the latch and the needle a few times even turned the knob to make it look convincing. After a few more tries she finally turned to Brittany and shrugged her shoulders. "Sorry, babe, I tried."
Unbeknownst to Santana, Brittany could see everything her girlfriend was doing with the needle. And no matter how much Santana tried to protest or pretend, Britt also knew that Santana had never picked a lock. Yet Britt knew how important Santana's badass image was – even in front of her girlfriend.
"I'm sure you got it, San. You prob just didn't turn it enough." Britt smiled innocently and pretended to not see the guilt on Santana's face. "Let me try?"
Santana breathed a sigh of relief when her girlfriend didn't call her out. She moved out of the blonde's way so she could try to undo the lock. "Sure go for it."
Brittany made sure that Santana couldn't see her when she worked the lock. It took about two second for the door to make click and swing open. Brit opened her mouth in fake surprise and excitement. "See! I barely touched it. Good job, San!"
"But I-" Santana's jaw dropped as the door swung open. What had just happened? She was sure she hadn't unlocked it and yet Brittany just turned the knob. Her jaw snapped shut real fast. "Not bad. I should have been able to do it faster, but I'm a little rusty."
Brittany only nodded. She loved confident and sexy Santana so it was better this way. "Let's not waste time! And don't forget that woman is still in here somewhere and maybe coach."
They walked into the garage and were assailed by a variety of smells, but one in particular lingered in the air. It lingered in the air for a minute like a musky fruit smell until it dissolved into the rest of the smells from the garage. There were two cars parked. One was covered by a tarp and the other, the girls recognized as Sue's car. Brittany pointed to it. "Think coach is home?"
"We're about to find out."
Despite the smells and various objects lying on the ground, the girls had no trouble travelling to the other side of the garage. The door which led into the house hadn't been locked. Santana twisted the knob easily, but waited before opening it. "B, this is a really bad idea."
Brittany nodded in agreement, but it didn't stop the blonde from giving the signal to open the door an inch. Her head bobbed to the space created and she squinted to get a good look inside. The door led to Sue's kitchen, but it held no Sue. That had to be a good thing.
"I think the coast is clear."
Santana gave the door a small push just enough to let the other girl through. Britt slid into the crack and tip toed cautiously around the island in the kitchen. The lights were out and she didn't hear any sounds from any of the other rooms. Her partner-in-investigation wasn't too far behind. The two girls ducked behind the island in the dark. Their heart beats sounded like booming drums in the darkness. "We are so screwed if she catches us."
"Don't worry about it, San. We are authorized to investigate and she'll understand."
"After she kills us." Santana added under her breath.
The kitchen looked like any other kitchen in any other suburban home. Well that was except for the trophies strategically placed on every counter, cabinet, and corner. There were trophies holding up the cabinets. Pots and pans were hooked from golden cheerleaders' pompoms. At one corner of the room a trophy that was the size of Santana stood with an apron wrapped around it like a mannequin.
"We need to find that trophy."
"We need to get the hell out of here."
"Come on." Brittany tugged at the girl's darker hand and yanked her upright. They stuck to the shadows of the room careful not to touch anything. Santana's footsteps fell directly in line with Brittany's. The dancer had the most graceful way of placing the tips of her Converse shoes on the tile and dropping her heels in a way that made no noise. But the Latina couldn't waste any time admiring her girlfriend as she continued to yank her towards the hallway. At the end of the kitchen, Britt pulled back so that only half her face and blonde wisps of hair could lean out into the hallway. Again it was dark. And again no sign of life. She put one foot on the carpet, but froze.
The brunette woman from Marty's opened one of the doors in the hallway whistling. Now that Brittany was closer she could see that the woman was middle aged and while she had brown hair, she also had small strands of steel tips at her temples. She definitely wasn't Sue Sylvester. In her hands she carried a three and a half foot trophy. With both hands around the base of the golden and glittering emblem of Sue perfection she couldn't use her hands to open a door to her right. So she butted up against it with her backside. Blue eyes quickly scanned the trophy and saw the 1989 clearly even from the distance.
Britt let out a sigh of relief. "That was close."
"Was it the dragon?" Santana's grip tightened on Brittany's hand.
"No, but it was definitely coach's trophy."
"Why would Sue hire us for a trophy that she sent to the repair shop? And who was that lady? You recognize her at all?" Santana pulled Brittany closer so the blonde was no longer half in the hallway and half in the kitchen.
"No, but-" Brittany shut her mouth quick. Her entire tensed and tightened. Santana creased her eyebrows and shook the blonde's hand.
"Britt! Hello! Britt, 'no, but' what? Are you even listening to me right now?" Santana shook her hand again. Dark eyes followed Brittany's sight which was no longer on the brunette. Instead Brittany and now Santana could see the ominous presence of a very real, very standing in the kitchen, and very Sue Sylvester.
"Now normally I expect students and especially cheerios, such as yourselves, to be cowering in fear of me as I have dedicated the second part of my career to establishing my dominance and superiority by means of brute force at McKinley, but I also expect it to be done outside of my household. I am not sure how to react at this moment to your intrusion. So I will give you five seconds to explain yourselves after that I can't promise that I won't have you both hanging upside down while I decide which way to punish you." Sue tapped her foot. But neither girl moved. "Speak! Lopez go!"
Santana stuttered for a moment. Her mouth opened and she heard noises, but not words. She dropped Brittany's hand and tried again. "Coach-"
"I'm going to stop you right there, Lopez. Clearly you are too intimidated by the 'dragon.'" Sue raised her hand to stop her from talking. Santana felt a deep blush rise through her cheeks. How long had Sue been there listening to them? "Pierce, I assume you are the head of this operation. Explain yourself before your sputtering partner gets the two of you kicked out of the cheerios so fast you won't be able to look at any breakfast cereals without feeling motion sickness."
"Well you see, coach." Britt started off. "Lord Tubbington was trying to eat the school fishes and Principal Figgins was sleeping so we devised a brilliant plan and Santana got the principal out of his office and I was talking to the secretary about the importance of proper stretching techniques especially while sitting all day like she does and I was telling her about the way I sometimes blink my eyes real fast to keep those muscles exercised so I never go blind and when we got into the office-"
"To the point. Your seconds are way up and I got lost at about the fifth time you used the word 'and.'" Sue practically growled. Both girls jumped at the noise.
"We found a receipt to a trophy repair shop in Figgins and followed the lead. We thought it was your trophy. We watched a woman load it into her car so we tailed her." Santana interjected. "We followed her all the way here and she went into your house with the trophy. I thought you were playing us, but Brittany thought you were being sincere yesterday. We couldn't leave the case open."
"So we might have – sort of broken into your house to see what the woman was doing with your trophy." Britt tried to help.
"I see." Sue spoke each word slowly and drew them out while thinking. "And what did this woman look like?"
"Middle age. Medium built. A little on the chunky side with brown hair, a little grey at the tips. And she just walked into one of those rooms down the hall." Britt described her.
Sue's mouth pushed all the way to the side and back as she thought to herself. Finally she spoke. "Before I decide how to kill and dispose of your bodies, I am going to talk to my cleaning maid, Lydia, to find out why she had my trophy. You are sure it was my trophy? The one from my office?"
"No."
"Yes." Brittany said overtop of Santana's voice and shot the Latina a look to which Santana only shrugged.
"Lydia!" Sue bellowed. "Lydia, are you home?"
The sound of a door opening from the hallway was accompanied by another voice. "Of course, Sue! I was just tidying up! I just got home a few minutes ago."
The woman stopped talking when she entered the kitchen and flicked on the lights to the sight of Sue and two teenage girls. Normally Lydia didn't ask too many questions, but just cleaned and treated each trophy like Sue's child. Sue liked Lydia. Lydia did whatever she was told. More importantly she wouldn't just let anyone come into Sue's house. Unfortunately after Sue had that terrible breakdown when Will had broken up with her, Sue had to let her other maid go. She had been tainted by that greasy hair and charming smile. Lydia would never let Will Schuster set foot inside of her great sanctuary.
"Would you care to explain where you were just coming in from?" Sue asked gently.
"I was just following your instructions. You left a note that said I needed to pick up groceries, protein mix for your milkshakes, and a trophy. I got the groceries, but the store didn't have any fruit that looked good enough for you. So I will have to make a trip to the farmer's market tomorrow." Lydia smiled sweetly making eye contact with the two girls. "Do you want me to make something for your guests?"
"No, Lydia, that won't be necessary. Just pretend you don't see them." The two girls tried to sink even further into the wall behind them. "You said I left a note?"
"Well, no you left two notes. I just figured that you forgot something and added it before you left in the morning."
"Interesting." Sue's eyes narrowed. "Since I only wrote you one note this morning. Do you still have the notes?"
"Oh no, I threw them out while I was shopping. I didn't really need them."
"Pity." Sue mused in a whisper to herself. "Where did you put the trophy?"
"I set it up in your sitting room. I didn't recognize it. So I didn't know its proper place."
"Lopez. Pierce. On the double! March behind me and make sure you touch nothing or it will be the last thing you touch."
"Yes, coach." The two girls fell in line behind Sue as the red suited jumpsuit clad woman made her way towards the door Britt had watched Lydia go into.
Sue bust open the room and took an inventory of her trophies. Everything in her head matched what she physically saw in front of her. All her trophies were in the correct places. Most shone with the glimmer of victory and of course from Lydia's polish Except something wasn't right. The air smelled differently, but she couldn't quite place why something felt wrong. "Lydia, where did you say you put the trophy?"
"Just on the coffee table. It should be there!" Lydia called in from the kitchen.
Three sets of eyes went to the coffee table. Three sets of eyes widened. Two sets widened with fear. One set of eyes widened with surprised before instantly narrowing to tight lines of rage. Again Sue released a low guttural sound from deep in her throat perhaps to confirm that Sue was indeed a dragon.
No trophy stood on the coffee table. Instead the only thing that remained on the surface was lipstick. The bright red words "GLEE" mocked the coach. They were the only clue as to where the trophy would have been only five minutes ago. Even Brittany and Santana felt their faces flush with the indignation. Someone from glee had actually snuck into Sylvester's house while they had been talking and stolen the trophy from under their noses? How? Or perhaps the more important question was who?
Both girls tensed and braced themselves for the onslaught that would be Sue Sylvester's rage. They squeezed each other's hand and their eyes tight. But after a few minutes of silence, they finally opened their eyes. In those few moments, Sue had moved from standing at the coffee table with her fists clenched to sitting calmly on a couch which so happened to be one of the few objects of furniture that didn't come accompanied by a trophy.
"Please, have a seat, ladies." Sue called to them in an eerily calm voice. Santana and Brittany risked a glance to one another to confirm that Sue's "not-angry-voice" was indeed much scarier than her freaking out. They would have preferred to see her go into one of her famous temper tantrums. "Sit. Now."
They both went to the opposite couch. A trophy the size of Brittany already occupied the one cushion so Santana sat on Brittany's lap.
"It's come to my attention that the matter at hand it much graver than I originally thought when I hired you two and the cat." Sue spread her fingers out in front of her mouth and tapped them against each other in a calculated manner. "I still can't take matters into my own hands, but I did catch you two delinquents breaking into my house. You can breathe, Lopez, you're still on the cheerios, but as punishment, I am now part of your little operation."
"What?" Santana barked out before she could stop herself. "I mean," She cleared her throat and spoke without the added attitude. "I'm sorry coach. I am not sure what you mean by joining our operation. We are pretty exclusive and besides you're way too old for any games of operation between myself and Britt."
"While I am flabbergasted at your suggestion, I confess that I am too much of a woman for the little girl relationship between the two of you. What I mean is that I want to know all of your intel on the trophy case. I will have the culprit. And you two will make sure I am there when you catch him or her. That means you will call me the next time you plan on breaking into another house or the school or even Figgins office. Do you understand me? I will be there."
"But coach!" Santana stood up from her girlfriend's lap. "That's crazy! You can't just follow us around the school or even into the glee club because they will know something is up!"
"I'm not even allowed to bring Lord Tubbington to school anymore because he almost blew our cover." Brittany added.
"Ladies, I don't want to follow you around in the mundane routine of your lives. But the next time you plan a sting operation like the stunts you pulled tonight. You will call me. Because this." Sue pointed to the bright red lipstick on the table taunting all three of them. "This will never happen again. It's personal. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, coach." Now Brittany stood up.
"Can I at least examine the scene of the crime?" Brittany asked.
"You're free to do what you want, partner." Sue shook her head and stood up. Her voice bounded through the small room out to Lydia in the kitchen. "I need an extra extra protein shake, Lydia!"
"Fuck. We are so screwed now, B." Santana whispered excitedly once Sue had left the room.
"We should take a picture of this. Do you recognize this shade?" Brittany didn't respond to Santana's fears. She pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of the words on the table. She reached into her pocket and smeared a corner of the red lipstick onto a tissue in her pocket.
"Britt, are you listening to me?"
"Yes, but San, we have clues here. Like legit clues! How awesome? Plus we need to get a sample of the lipstick and see if we can compare it to all the girls' lipsticks in glee." Britt carefully folded the tissue and put it into an empty compartment on the utility belt.
"You're really going to solve this case, aren't you?" Santana sighed and shook her head.
"No, but we are." Brittany gave Santana a peck on the cheek before grabbing her hand. "Come on."
"Ladies, please use the front door this time." Sue's voice came from the kitchen. "I set up a booby trap when I came in and discovered the door had been jimmied open. And trust me, it's a nasty one."
So Sue has now set herself as a partner in Lord Tubbington: Private Eye. And lipstick? Could it be one of the glee girls? Which one would gain from stealing from Sue? And did the girls forget about the broken glass case?