Every Mentally Sane Girl's Guide to Baby –sitting a Norse God.

a/n : Thanks to lokilockedthetardis for being such a good sport, thanks for the push, buddy!

p.s. : Unbeta'd and all mistakes belong to me. All the outrageousness of this story too.

I don't own Loki nor any Marvel-related things in my story, I only own my OC and the plot.

Enjoy reading EMSGGBNG !

Warning : contains some peanuts and strong languages, I advice those who are sensitive with flowery words should stay away from this story and pretend that you never came across it.

p.p.s. : Here's Loki's outfit btw : post/50636478013/tom-hiddleston-you-sexy-sexy-man

Chapter 4 : S.O.S.

EMSGGBNG Entry #3 : Manners.

Always remember that teaching your God some manners will definitely test your patience. And there will always be a case in which you're going to be fed up with his/her shit that you'll just want to choke them so bad, their ancestors would feel it But if you still love having your head attached to your body, then it would be best to just simply endure their shitty attitude. Even if it means that you're going to have to pay for the damages after.

-Patricia's P.O.V.-

Note to self: Never take Loki out to see movies in public. Especially if they're showing those romantic-comedy ones that have some sexual innuendos in them.

The morning before the movie night came, Jake called and bailed out, saying that he had to attend some 'family gathering' or something, though I knew that he'd been making a bad excuse since I could recognize his voice when he'd tried to make one, but I let it slide anyway. And so, I decided that it'd be fun to take Loki out. Loki didn't refuse but he kept on complaining how watching a movie was a 'pathetic midgardian past-time' and that he'd much more preferred it if we both stayed at home at read some books. Hah, like that would happen. 'Reading books' was Loki's excuse to order me around at home and I knew for a fact that he was a sadist too. Well, this was one thing I wouldn't slide.

I also made Loki wear a temporary disguise. By then, I had already dragged Loki to the bathroom (in which he terribly squealed like a girl, no kidding), I styled and trimmed his raven black hair and tousled it, giving him that sexy and dangerous look and gave him a blue-pair of colored contacts too. I'd also let him wear a plain v-necked-collared white shirt, a black jacket to layer it nicely and a pair of black skinny jeans too (all borrowed from my bro). Fortunately, it was a good thing that Loki had the same shoe size as my brother, and so I let him wear my brother's (still borrowed) leather loafers. Loki complained at first about wearing the contacts but nevertheless I was still able to persuade him to wear them. When Loki was finished, I tried to mentally compose myself. He looked so utterly gorgeous and sexy at the same time. I was still worried though that someone might still recognize him, and so, finding a pair of black sunglasses, I offered it to him to wear it. He didn't like the idea of wearing sunglasses but still, it was necessary for precautionary measures, I also told him that he could take them off once we were finally inside the movie house. The darkness will help him hide his identity, somehow.

Throughout the movie, Loki kept on bugging and asking me questions about the sexual innuendos found within the movie's conversations. I pretty much tried to keep a straight face while explaining most of them. But before that, Loki also had the nerve to threaten the snack bar clerk to give him a popcorn, I was away from that time, buying the tickets for us. Still, I was able to get Loki out of trouble when I'd explained to the clerk that Loki was mentally unstable, which was still true anyway. In the end, the clerk refused Loki's demands and that made him furious which led to him breaking the glass that had popcorn in it. We were lucky that there hadn't been a large crowd to witness it happen, and if there was, I'd really kick Loki out of my house, the minute we get back, and I wasn't even afraid to do it. The manager let it slide by letting me pay fifty dollars (what a rip-off ! Thank God I still had some money in me.) and let me and Loki carry on with our own business. Luckily, the manager too had given us a free popcorn to eat, and Loki's mood lightened up a little. I handed the popcorn to Loki before we left the bar.

Here's a recap of what had happened inside the cinema earlier.

From beside me, I felt a slight tug of my shirt sleeve. I whipped my head to see Loki slightly leaning towards me, but still had his eyes on the large screen. People around us were now laughing their heads off, and I did the same too, except for Loki, who found the movie scenario and conversation, confusing.

In a small and hushed tone, he asked. "Tell me mortal, what is it with visiting Uranus, and why do the people in here, find that so amusing ?" Loki's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I tried so hard not laugh at his ignorance. This was his fifth question for the night, I only wondered how much more he still had in store for me.

When I could no longer hold it, I laughed lightly at him. "Loki, it's still just a sexual innuendo."I grabbed the popcorn from him and took a few. Loki glared at me when I took it from him but he didn't complain anyway. "Tell me, do you know what an anus is ?" Well, I can't believe that I'm asking him this. This is so messed up.

Loki then gave me a mischievous look before grinning. "Do tell."

Okay what the actual fuck. I will not explain that to him. My dignity is all that I have now, I can't just ruin it now. This is just so wrong on so many levels.

"Don't fuck with me Loki, I know that you know stuff, you're a God, remember?" I handed back the popcorn to him before crossing my arms over my chest.

Loki grinned this time. "Yes, I am, do tell mortal, I find this "anus" thing interesting."
Okay, that settles it, not only Loki was a mental psycho but he was a perverted maniac too. I should have known. It also seems that Loki has a gift for making people really uncomfortable.

I sighed and rubbed my temples. I thought of a good way to explain this… madness to him.

Well here it goes. God help me. "Y-you know. . . when we take a dump… it's the… p-part of the body. . ." I trailed off in a small voice, thinking of other possible ways to explain it to him without sounding really stupid and awkward at all.

Loki shifts in his seat and is now facing me. He's smirking. "Carry on." He says, clearly enjoying my uneasiness. What an ass.

"I-it's the p-part where the poop comes out-t." I continued but didn't look at his eyes when I said it. I mean, who talks about shitting to someone ? Even describing how it is done too ?

Loki laughs heartily but lightly. His oil-smooth voice, flooding my ears. They sounded so heavenly. Oh God, am I daydreaming ? All of the places ? Now ? With him ?

"You midgardians are really amusing. It's no wonder why your species are the most apt kind to have as pets." He takes a few of the popcorn in his hands. "Now, would you kindly elaborate further this 'anus' thing you speak of ? I still cannot understand what you are trying to point here, mortal." Grinning, Loki takes another shot of popcorn before looking at me again with those mischievous green eyes.

I felt my annoyance grew in me. Loki was a stubborn God. No, he was a five-year old kid trapped in a beautiful man's body. Damn him ! He's just so frustrating to deal with!

"It's. . .it's. . ah fuck it !" I exclaim right at him. "It's the asshole goddammit !" I blurted right at him, not realizing that I've now made a scene right inside the dimly lit cinema. Really. Wonderful. Just what I needed. Another embarrassing memory to cherish. Thanks a lot Loki. You ass.

A lot of people looked right our direction. Most of them wide-eyed. Some were eyeing us with annoyance, others shushed us with their fingers and hisses.

Oh God. Why ?. I know that I've been so good this year. Again, I repeat, WHY ?

A couple seated right in front us, whisked their head to our direction and eyed us with disgust as they started to get up and move. Gosh, I just wanted to curl up in a ball of shame at that moment. I just wanted to go home now. And it was all thanks to Loki. The God of Mischief and complete assery.

Thinking that this might be a good opportunity to make a run for it and escape the shame, I stood up and grabbed Loki's hand, causing him to almost drop the popcorn on the floor. Fuck the movie, I'll just wait for the DVD. Right now, nothing else mattered except for my dignity.

Loki made a face. "What in Odin's name are you doing !" He exclaims as I dragged him away from the cinema and into the street, just outside the movie house. It was still probably seven in the evening, judging from how crowded the streets were filled with busy people, rushing to get back to their homes.

When we made it outside, I panted for air, where as Loki did the same, he glared at me when he did so too. "Are you out of your mi—"

"Can you just please shut up your fucking mouth for once ? I'll fucking sew it back if you speak single goddamn word right now." I told him as I removed the scarf from neck. I needed the cold air to soothe me. I needed to clear my head for a little while.

"How dare you speak foul—"

"I fucking mean it."I shot back at him. He looked at me calmly before silencing himself. I'm glad it worked.

For a couple of minutes, we just stood there, the night air engulfing us as we watched the busy streets hum with life. Loki didn't speak nor budge a move for a long while. Even with the fast-paced life on the streets, I was able to blur them all out from my mind and I was finally able admire the pretty lights that spread across before us. Peace. Finally.

Feeling rather cooled down, I faced Loki.

"Okay then, how would like to go for a walk ?" I asked him while wrapping the scarf back around my neck.

Loki didn't reply but instead, he only gave me slight nod. His lips, pursed into thin line.

Now, Loki and I were beside one another, walking our way back home. Really, I don't usually do this, I always take a cab whenever I want to go back home, but knowing that Loki was with me, I felt safe being with him. Odd.

This man infuriated me to the core. Other than playing mischief and lying, annoying people to death was probably another of his talented gifts.

Sighing, I placed my hands into pockets of my cardigan. Loki looked at me before shoving his into the pockets of his jeans.

There was no way that this deal was going to work. I mean, every time that Loki and I were together, we'd be pulling each other's wits. He was a God, and a cunning one at that too. How am I supposed to deal with this Godly—excuse me— shit ?

At one point, Loki was ahead of me with a few steps when he'd stopped walking and gazed right into the still display of a shop. I caught up with him, wondering why he'd halted in his tracks. I looked at him, examining him as he stared into the display. I whisked my head to look at the direction his eyes were laid on.

There was a small book about monsters displayed on a display shelf and it had a cover of a creature that slightly had bluish tint of hue to it, it also had enormous hands could cut anything with it's razor-sharp claws. It was then I'd realized that we'd stopped over at a small bookshop.

The small book reminded me of something awfully familiar.

Something. . .

About Loki.

So I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me?

Oh. I tore my gaze away from the book and looked at Loki. His eyes looked liked they were staring into the void. His face held no significant emotion but deep down I knew, his nightmares had come to haunt him again. Although I hated Loki and his annoying antics but looking at him right now, made my heart...sink. Loki had thought of himself as a monster, torn by lies and emptiness. God, the man was even taught to hate his own kind. He'd even hoped a hopeless dream. I felt a pang of sadness as I continued to study his face.

Another memory came up in my head.

What, because I... I... I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?

I blocked the memory quickly. I placed a palm on his broad shoulder, he winced slightly, not from the pain I guess, but from the sudden touch. Even with some clothes on, he felt cool. Well, I guess it was another perk of being a Frost Giant.

I tapped his shoulder, telling him to face me but he only ignored me, refusing to look at me.

"Loki." I say. Still nothing.

"Loki." I say again, and this time he looked down. His emerald green pools radiated of emptiness. His face, a hollow and empty expression and his lips had been tightly pursed into a straight line. The playful Loki earlier was now nowhere to be found.

I sighed and tilted his head down by his chin."Loki, we've all had our fair share of doubts and bad lucks." I paused while I let go of my hand from his shoulder before taking both of his hands into my own and looked straight at him. I wanted his full attention on me. His brows furrowed a little but not too much. Was I making him uneasy ? "And perhaps, yours was just more than the usual, but remember Loki, no problem exists without a solution or answer to end it. You'll find yours soon enough, you'll just have to endure for awhile, but you know what ? In the end, it will be all worth it, trust me."

I smiled at him before letting go of his hands.

I looked at behind him and into the dim streets, remembering something.

"Now, what do you say ? We go home now and rent a few movies along the way, I know a great video store just right down the street."I gave him another smile as I extended a hand towards him. Telling him to come with me.

"Well, are you up for it buddy ?"

-Loki's P.O.V.-

This mortal.

She is a stubborn one I admit. A complete pain in my Asgardian soul.

But her simple gesture had me at lost for words. A Silvertongue, at lost for words ? Hilarious. How does she know what I'm feeling right now ? Does she know my true nature ? An abomination ? A rejected outcast of the Asgardian society ? Does she know how much pain I am in right now ? I doubted that, she was just a petty mortal after all. But there was something in this mortal, I do not know for sure, but there is indeed something, something telling me to trust her. To believe in her.

Well should I ?

Could I ?

I mentally shook my head. No, this woman was not capable of telling a lie. If there was something I was so sure about, it was the purity of her soul. Although most of times, foul words come out from that small and frustrating mouth of hers, still, deep inside her true nature was kindness, unlike me, I was a monster, in and out. It was a skin-deep shame and burden I had to carry for the rest of my life.

But this mortal—thiswoman, Patricia. Even at a ripe and young age, her wittiness already matches
that of an adult's. I was proud to have met her. Too bad, she would have made a great Lady back in Asgard, she possessed a kind soul and she was true warrior at heart too. She even wouldt have been made a great Queen too.

Queen ?

Wait, what in Odin's name was I thinking ? I sighed. She is only but a mortal, her kind was the weakest species that had ever existed and I, I was a God and I should learn how to act like one. To be one.

But, I could let it go just this once.

Just this once.

I would try feeling again .

I would try it . With her.

I grinned as I looked down and nodded at her, accepting her offer. She grinned back as well. And off we were, dashing onto the dim but busy streets of Midgard.

I would go back home.

With her.

Home.

I liked the sound of that.