She laid in the strange bed, twisting the thin sheet between her red raw fingers and turned her head to the man who was next to her. The night was cold but the windows collected the condensation of their love making. The room had a warm mustiness to it. Not worth the coin he paid.
"Yer okay darlin," he drawled thickly, with tired arousal.
"As ever," she smiled. His sandy hair splay over the overstuffed pillow in a sunburst of curls. His thick jaw stretched into a smile as he brought his hand to her shoulder.
"Again?"
"Why not," she bit her lip and climbed on top of him, willing his hair to darken. The green eyes that stared up at her turned to ice chips against swarthy skin. When she looked down her fingers reached out for a long, thin scar that wasn't there. He stretched his neck up to kiss her and she stopped him, pulling back. "No kissing," she sang.
"Bit a freak, huh?"
"Sure." She closed her eyes and flipped on to her back, and made herself picture someone different.
-o0o-
Jayne fisted the woman's dark hair as he drove himself deeper and deeper into her, as if he could lose his mind for a while and know what insanity truly felt like. He could be like her.
"Slow down, sugar," she urged. "Ya aint gunna last the time ya paid fer."
He suddenly withdrew and gently pushed her to the side, panting and staring up at nothing.
"Gotta go anyways," he said shortly, pulling his clothing on recklessly.
"Aint even done here," she ran her fingers over his well-muscled back.
"Dun matter," he handed over some extra coin to the woman. "Git some sleep. I'm goin ta drink."
"I could come with ya. Walk the world with ya fer a bit."
"Nah, ya take this extra and feed yerself up. Yer a mite skinny."
"I thought you liked em skinny. Dyed my hair just fer ya." He had visited her thrice when they last passed through and she swore up and down there weren't none better than him. She was always hopeful he'd come visit her again.
-o0o-
They both walked up to the ship a few hours later, meeting on the ramp.
"Good night," he asked.
She hesitated and lifted her hand to his face sadly. "No."
"Me neither."
"Stop."
"Sorry," he walked ahead of River, feeling her eyes on him.
He made his way to the common area and sat heavily on the couch next to Kaylee. She closed the romance novel she was reading while Simon took inventory in the infirmary for the millionth time. She studied the large man who looked no better than a stray dog. Desperate and a bit dangerous but sad down to his core. This is was different look for the unapologetic Mercenary. When she'd met him, he'd leered at her and Inara. He swore and spit and told mean, crass jokes at the table. He still did those things but they seemed fake. They seemed like a character he was playing.
He still liked getting paid and a good whore and a strong drink. A cheap cigar and a pretty gun made his face light up but nothing made it brighter than his partner. He'd watch her carefully on jobs and after they'd talk softly where they thought no one could see them. Mal came in to see Simon about his newest set of stitches.
It had been six months since River's last bad day. The night she came down to his bunk and told him that his words would kill her. Kaylee and Mal knew he thought about leaving the ship and nights like this Mal could hardly blame him. He'd seen what unrequited feelings did to people. He was still living it.
-o0o-
The next morning, River and Jayne stood in the bay, sparring with unloaded guns and dulled practice knives (more for Jayne's benefit than hers).
They circled each other slowly until one would lunge for the other. Defensive holds, offensive strikes, hands lingering on pilfered weapons. Once, in an ill timed hold, his thumb dragged along her bottom lip. It felt like wet velvet and he wondered briefly if she felt like that inside.
River trembled and threw her weapons down.
"It's clouding your judgement," she shouted at him. "Smooth skin and wet sex won't save you in a fight!"
They began again, picking up their weapons and loading them into their hiding places. Her leg wrapped around his, bringing him down flat on his back. She pointed the unloaded gun to his head. "Dead."
They restarted, his arms coming up under hers and joining at the back of her head. She tried to headbutt his nose but was thwarted by his strength. Her hands were held just out of reach of her knife. He titled her head to the side.
"Dead," he whispered in her ear, letting her go. She spun to face him, chest heaving.
"I let you win." He turned his back to her. In a motion he spun, throwing his knife toward her torso. It pinned her to the crate she stood in front of, piercing her skirt but not her skin. He strode to where she stood in shock, pressing his hips to hers. Their noses touched as he grinned:
"No ya didn't." She shook as he pulled the knife from where it was embedded.
"Stop."
"Yeah, yeah. Just teasin," he placed it back in the sheath that usually housed Binky. She let more of his thoughts in:
Breakfast
Help Kaylee get engine parts
Shower
Stop thinking about her
1 Londinium, 2 Londinium
Hole in her shirt
That word
3 Londinium, 4 Londinium
He was getting better at not letting it bother him. Wasn't he?
-o0o-
Badger sent them another legal job after a few smiles and terms of endearment shot his way. River insisted he work out the details with Mal and gave the Wave over to the Captain.
"Do you feel good doing that," Echo asked, genuinely interested.
"I don't think about it," she answered simply, stirring the pot of protein mush Simon had prepared under the guise of dinner. Her little nose wrinkled at the smell that wafted up.
"Find that hard to believe. You think about everything all the time."
"No harm. He likes me. Men like me so I'm just using it to my advantage."
"Sure you didn't train as a Companion," he joked.
"I would have made a terrible one. Unless someone had a Crazy fetish."
"Some guys like that," he pointed out. No need to clarify who they were talking about.
"It means a breakdown of the familial hierarchy," she lamented, grabbing a packet of crackers from the cupboard. She popped one in her mouth and chewed thoughtfully. "These are gross," she handed the packet to Echo. "Eat them."
"You just said they were gross."
"Yeah but you'll like them, I swear," she shook it under his nose. He pulled a face and ran away.
River chased after him laughing. He rounded a corner and hid in the nearest stairwell.
"Echo," she called from far away.
"Echo, echo, echo," he faded.
"Come out," she stepped carefully, looking for him.
"Out, out, out," he called from his hiding space. Before he knew it, a rain of vile crackers showered over his spiked hair. "Ugh!"
Her laugh rang like a bell through the ship. Echo thought for a moment that when she acted like this is was hard to believe there was anything wrong at all.
"It's always going on in there," she pointed to her head. "I'm good at pretending to be normal lately." She smiled and shoved the last cracker in his mouth then ran off.
"Oh Buddha, I'd prefer Simon's cooking," the Pilot exclaimed, wiping his tongue on the stained shirt he wore under his flight suit.
He found her talking to Mal as if nothing happened, shooting him an amused look.
"Legal jobs mean less danger," the Captain continued. "Appreciate it, 'Tross." He pressed a kiss to her forehead and made his way to tell Zoe the good news. River got that far away look again that usually signaled an episode. He backed away carefully.
"No," she said gently, smiling. "Not bad."
-o0o-
Simon was surprised when River dragged his wife into the infirmary and sat her down.
"She needs a blood test," his sister ordered. "And a vitashot. And rest. And footrubs. And kisses."
"What? I dun understand-" Kaylee started.
"Just do it," River smiled, leaving to sit in the common area and await the news. She sat next to Jayne, still smiling.
"What's got ya so goofy," he asked, not looking up from his whetstone.
"Good news," she answered.
"Oh yeah? New job?"
"That too. But better. Now we wait." She sighed happily and rested her head on his shoulder. She hummed some song she picked up from his thoughts. "Write your mother."
Three hours passed before Simon and Kaylee emerged from the infirmary to everyone gathered on the couches, looking at them expectantly.
Kaylee's eyes were still red rimmed and shiny but her face broke in to that 1000 watt smile she was known for. Simon wrapped his arm around her waist and took a deep breath. River felt the urge to shout it out but left the privilege to them.
"So it seems we're havin a baby," Kaylee said excitedly.
"In seven months," Simon informed them. River jumped up to hug them and gently patted Kaylee's still flat stomach. Mal kissed Kaylee's cheek and shook Simon's hand. Zoe's tears were a shock as she wrapped them both in fierce embraces saying 'thank you' over and over. Echo congratulated them from the back of the group as Jayne clapped his hand over Simon's shoulder and ruffled Kaylee's hair.
"You knew," Echo asked River a few days later as they sat in the cockpit en route to their next job.
"Just a little flutter," she motioned in front of her eyes. "Oh, but so strong. They're so happy." She smiled wider than he'd known her to since they met.
"So you can pick up on stuff like that. You can read Jayne's next move. Zoe's pain, Mal's regret, my...whatever goes on in my head. But..."
"You like flowers and Math. And his thoughts about me are too intense," she answered, still smiling. "They must be kept at a distance. Love is not a child's plaything, especially coming from a man like him." Her eyes searched the room and she got up. "I know now. I have to go."
She found him rummaging around for any food that wasn't Simon-made.
"The crackers are gross too," she warned. "Made Echo eat a bunch by force. Was a fun game. Did you write your Mother?"
"Yeah," he answered, passing on the crackers.
"About me?"
"Yup."
"About Kaylee?"
"Yup," he kept his back to her but he could feel the heat radiating off her body as she got closer.
"About Echo?"
"What?"
"You're jealous," she observed. "I play with him. He's happy and smiles and is uncomplicated."
He spun to face her. "Never thought I'd see the day that someone thought I was complicated."
"You're not. You're very single-minded," she reached down for his hand and raised it to her cheek. His hand was cool and rough against her flushed face. She breathed in deeply the peat smell of his soap, the spice of his sweat, the soft cotton smell of his worn shirt. "It won't kill me. I see it now. I saw it today. Love gives people purpose. Your life was drifting until you felt it. With us, here," she waved her hand around her. "You carry my pain with you, don't you? It's not just sex. It's love." She closed her eyes and inhaled sharply.
"Don't mean nothin, Crazy," he sighed dejectedly. He knew this dance. They'd done it for years.
"Folie a deux, madness shared by two," her tear fell onto his hand. "You don't believe it now, do you?" He searched her face carefully and lowered his hand.
"Come on, Moony," he ushered her to her bunk. "Git yer meds."
"Stop."
-o0o-
The job went off without a hitch and given the probability of that happening, their Captain decided it was cause for celebration.
River caught Jayne before they head out for the night. She reached under his shirt and scraped her short nails over the scar crossing his chest. He hissed and grabbed her hips, slamming her against the wall with lips barely touching. His grip on sanity was more tenuous than hers in the past few weeks. She'd been tempting him, whispering sweet words to him any time they were close enough. He'd slipped one night when she'd visited him late and let her sleep in his bed after the plea that her feet were cold. He still didn't kiss her, didn't say he loved her, didn't find his relief in her. He made no attempt to reclaim his sanity. He called her 'Goddess' and nuzzled her neck in the safety of his bunk and she begged him to touch her the way he did in his mind and in his dreams. He still could not do it.
"No whores," she told him sternly, pulling on the scruff of his neck.
"No farmboys," he demanded, wrapping a hand around her throat. She bared her teeth as he gave a tug on her hair and let her free of his grip.
Of course no night out was complete without some kind of altercation. They were all sitting, enjoying the liquor Mal had so graciously supplied for his crew. Zoe and Mal laughed over some private joke and Echo made a fool of himself dancing around one of the many poles mounted to the reinforced tables. River had taken a spin on it, much to the chagrin of her brother and Captain. But then there were shots fired, barely missing the smaller Merc. She dropped down and drew her gun and looked over to Zoe who was already shooting Mare's Leg over the shelter of a tipped table. Jayne was hollering at Simon to get Kaylee out of the bar and once he saw the back of the couple, he turned back to the action. Echo was belly-crawling toward the same door and managed his way out as far as River could see. She shot Jayne a smile and started shooting at the band of marauders who were making every effort to leave a trail of corpses, stripped of their meager riches. It seemed for as many as they got down three more popped up in their place.
"Get Captain and Zoe back to the ship," he ordered her.
"And leave you here," she asked wildly.
"Do what I say!"
She dragged the two veterans out but their beltloops, still shooting. Once they were a safe distance she put her hands on her knees and took a few deep breaths.
"Go back, make sure everyone's okay. I'm going back in," she told them.
"No, he ordered you out," Zoe said, trying to drag the smaller woman away.
"GO," she shouted, running back into the maelstrom. She searched the room for Jayne and found him behind the bar, gun trained on the back entrance where he was managing to keep them at bay. People were still scrambling to get out and she stepped aside letting them pass. She shot one man who was coming up behind Jayne and he gave her a smile.
"So beautiful," he thought. She smiled back as she spun and kicked another in the head. Once she righted herself she saw him go down, a blood stain spreading over his stomach. She screamed as his eyes rolled up in his head and he fell.
She sat outside the infirmary, placing a weave over Mal's bicep and trying to swallow her worry. Echo sat in the chair to her left with a bandage that was rapidly turning red over his ear. Zoe nursed her sprained ankle and tried to patch up River's eyebrow that was sporting a hefty cut.
"No," she shrugged off the touch, staring blankly at Jayne's still form.
"When he wakes up you don't want to look like a piece of overripe fruit," Kaylee said gently.
"If," she told her sister in law. "You're thinking if."
"Meimei," she put a hand on her shoulder. "He'll be fine. He's strong and Simon's takin good care of him." She sat and let Zoe stitch her up, not taking her eyes off of him.
Simon finally emerged, throwing his bloody gloves in the HazMat bag.
"I've stopped the bleeding," he rubbed his forehead. "Gave him blood for what he lost. Now we just wait."
The machines around him buzzed and beeped and the light hurt her sensitive eyes.
"You come back to me," she ordered him. "Wake up!" She wasn't getting anything from his mind. A great nothingness of drug-sleep.
"Wake up," she shouted again. She was slipping. It had been so long she almost had forgotten what it felt like. "There's been so much blood in our lives I want it to stop! STOP! Wake up! Think something! Be Jayne!" She shouted at the prone body on the operating table. Echo tried to lead her away and she swung at him. "No! NO! I'm fine! She's here." She didn't remember anything after that. She woke up in the spare bed in the infirmary. Her head hurt and she felt her mind touched by all the worry of everyone on board. She pulled the blanket up over her face and lay there trying to be dead.
"Shhhh," she heard in her mind. "Shhhh, don't go Crazy again."
"Jayne," she said out loud. "Jayne?"
"I'm alive. But I need ya to be you when I come to. And I will come to."
Simon came in and checked the machines.
"How long was I out," she asked.
"Three days," he took her pulse and kissed her forehead. "He's improving. Had some hand movement yesterday," he tried to smile through his exhaustion. "Meimei, can I ask you something?"
She got up and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders as she grabbed Jayne's hand and placed it between hers.
"Meimei," he tried again. His sister's eyes had deep purple hollows under them. During the three days she had woken slightly, crying and grabbing at the air, sobbing her partner's name.
"I know what love is," she looked at him sharply. "Love is a battle cry, a requiem, a stiletto in the side. It's a reason to fight. It starts and ends wars, and lives. Love makes weak men warriors. It's a fever that burns away sickness." She returned to stroking his hand.
"Guess you do."
"Wake up," she whispered. "I'll be good. I'll be normal. Just wake up."