"The truth is, I...he...forced himself onto me!" Al exclaimed, trying his best to ignore the waves of anger Ed was sending his way.
"Oh, now you're just askin' for it." Ed forced himself onto Al.
Scar watched the spectacle with a neutral expression. "A shrimp boy and a tin can...who would have ever guessed."
Envy stuck his head out the door. "Sexy Hobo? Are you coming back?"
"NO." The sexy hobo sexily threw his sexy cape over his sexy shoulders, and was off in the blink of a sexy eye.
Envy convulsed. "Oh my..." his eye twitched. "So... sexy." His other eye twitched as he slowly turned around to see the one sided Elricest currently going on.
"Oh... my..." Envy turned an unpleasant shade of green. "Er..." He reached for a nearby party hat and vomited his guts out. However, the very tip of the hat had a hole in it, and so the vomit funneled out, dripping onto the floor.
The floor grunted. "Hn. Every damn time there's a party..."
Ed finally let go of Al. "Now that my perversion has been sated, I can go and do more important people, like the Fuhrer and yo momma."
Al whimpered. "Brother, our momma is dead."
"Not anymore!" Ed held up his Handy Dandy human reviver tool. "I got this baby for ten bucks on eBay."
"Hmm." Al held up his Handy Dandy anti human reviver tool. "I got this baby for 5 bucks on shmeeBay."
The short one's face twisted and contorted into a demonic expression. "If it's an anti reviver, it's a killer. YOU MURDER, AL! YOU MURDER KITTENS!"
Al gasped. "Kittens? No. I murder revived corpses, because those are against my ethical views."
"Ethical views are for old people," Using his human reviver tool, Ed brought Trisha back to life.
Trisha looked around her. "Uhhhhn. Brains."
"YAAAA~!" Ed pounced onto his zombie of a mother and they began to have relations.
Al closed his virgin eyes and tried to block out the sounds of Trisha gnawing on Ed's head. However, he managed to take silent pride in the fact that his mother couldn't turn him into a zombie, as he was a tin can.
"Urhhg... I must have braiiiins..." Trisha gave up on Ed's head and started chewing on a head of cauliflower, which she had mistaken for a ripe brain.
Ed watched her eat. "After eating all those brains, she certainly doesn't seem any smarter."
"Wrong, shrimp boy." Trisha continued to gnaw. "I have just proven the Hodge Conjecture, invented a cure for AIDS, and developed a formula for artificial brains." she mumbled in a monotone.
However, all Ed had heard was 'shrimp boy'. "LOOKY HERE, MUM, YOU WILL SPEAK TO YOUR OWN SON, YOUR BLOOD AND BONE, WITH MORE RESPECT!"
Trisha corrected him. "Negatory. You are the result of my egg being fertilized by Hohenheim's sperm. My blood and bone has nothing to do with this." She finished off the cauliflower. "Now be a good boy, and go get mommy some brains."
"NO!" Ed stomped his foot indignantly. "I WON'T GET YOU BRAINS, I WON'T DO MY HOMEWORK, AND I WON'T SIT THROUGH AN AWKWARD BIRDS AND BEES TALK WITH YOU!"
"Mmm." Trisha nommed contentedly. "There's no need, I ate one of my artificially created brains." She handed Ed a page of 2nd grade arithmetic. "Now now, Edward, do your homework like a good little alchemist. And remember, the little line means minus."
Al watched their mother-son bonding moment. "Mommy, I want you to dote on me too!"
Trisha doted. "You too, Al." She handed him a 5 pound college calculus textbook. "I expect pages 780-880 finished by tonight."
Feeling good about himself, Al went to work. So did Ed.
"This is hard!" complained Ed, taking his arithmetic sheet and poking it into Al's armor. "Why is it necessary to know what 2+2 is?"
Al tsked. "Brother, every job requires math, including alchemy. Now... Let f and g be differentiable at x with g(x)=0. Then fg is differentiable at x and..." he rambled on.
Suddenly, a Mensa official burst into the room. "Alphonse Elric, you are hereby granted a position as Leader Of The Free World, and even though it is not in my power to grant such a position, I shall grant it anyways." He dragged Alphonse away.
Trisha's motherly instincts flared up. "DON'T TAKE MY BABY AWAY!" She jumped the Mensa official and stuck a straw through his ear. It came out through his other ear.
"Curses!" Trisha sucked up nothing but air.
"Ta-ta, zombie woman," The Mensa official successfully made off with Al. "Don't worry... we'll take GOOD care of your son..." he leered, flipping through a book entitled, "How To Brainwash Genius Tin Cans".
"NOO~!" cried Al, seeing the book title. "I'm not a tin can! I'm Alphonse Elric!"
"Who cares what you think," Al was pushed onto a sacrificial altar, where several Mensa officials used him as an offering to the fangirls.
"Wait..." Alphonse's supersonic brain started working again. "I thought I was supposed to be leader of the Free World, not a fangirl sacrifice!"
"We lied," said a particularly rotund Mensa official. "For we are..." They pulled off their cult robes and masks to reveal their true identities. "THE PTA!"
Everyone else gasped.
Al gasped. "The Parent-Teacher Association? Who'd have guessed!"
Ed gasped. "Why would such a gay club dare to be in my prescence?"
Envy gasped. "How dare you deny me entrance into your club!"
One of the PTA members stepped forward. "Well, are you a parent or teacher?"
Envy scratched his palm tree fronds. "Er..." He guessed. "A parent?"
The PTA member was about to say something, but then a door opened and the silhouette of a small figure could be seen. "He isn't lying. I am...the son of Envy,"
DUN. DUN. DUUUUUUUN...
AN: WHO IS THE SON OF ENVY? TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO FIND OUT!