"He's confusing and stubborn and has these mixed emotions or enjoys mixing my emotions up and –"

"He's perfect for, he gets you, he's kind, sweet, and considerate, and you're completely head over heels for him. You can rant all you want, Bea, but either way you're in L-O-V-E love," Rebecca interrupted my rant.

"I don't know what that word means anymore." It wasn't a total lie. I was more than sure that I was in love with Evra, but that didn't explain the attraction I felt for Johnny. A simple feeling of lust couldn't have possibly been it because I still refused (constantly) to sleep with him. And yet I clung to him like a life raft while watching my ship sail off without me with no clue I had even left. Like Johnny was my only hope. " And what do you mean 'either way'?"

"I know, for a fact, that you and Johnny have been fooling around. You'll mess around and end up getting hurt. No amount of Johnny will satisfy any need of Evra." The words hung in the air like a dead fish. Obvious and unpleasant.

"Johnny won't hurt me," I said, fully aware that I sounded and felt unsure.

"But he will. He's not committed to anything or anyone, including you."

"He just doesn't want to be hurt. Besides how do you know he'll hurt me?"

"No, he just wants to fool around. And with any girl that shows him the slightest sign of being interested. You know that means Merla is perfect for him. No attachments or commitments. And if you have to wonder if someone will commit to you and not hurt you despite all the obvious signs he will then he's gonna hurt you!"

"I'd bet he'd commit to me." A bet didn't sound very sure, and I was aware of what a lousy job I was doing trying to sell myself on this.

"He won't Bea." I wish I had Rebecca's confidence, but maybe I didn't because she was standing firm on a solid answer where as I was trying keep my grip on an uneasy, could go either way maybe.

"He might…."

"He won't." I looked down at my feet and fiddled with the edges of my top. Rebecca sighed.

"Bea." I didn't look up. "Beautiful." I looked at her. I didn't want to believe those things about Johnny – even less about him and Merla – but somehow I knew that there was a 5% chance Johnny would commit to me. And that was a pretty big percentage, considering any other girls' chances. I was, after all, his favorite.

"I know."

"Stop fooling."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm in too deep. I'm already prepared for Hell. Pray for me?" I smiled slightly.

"You're gonna need it." She smiled back. The fish was gone, but for me the smell still lingered faintly with the thought that I could very well be in over my head. But I wasn't about to go down without a fight.

~:~:~

It was a habit. Even a year (and three-fourths) without going through such a routine hadn't broken the familiar feeling and behavior of fooling around, something Johnny said was the art of getting laid, but in my particular case almost getting laid. I still refused to sleep with him.

We were behind a large tent, maybe 30 or 40 minutes before the show. My arms were wrapped tightly around his neck while we kissed. He effectively wrestled me on to my back on the ground, pinning my arms above my head, and effectively making his way in between my legs. I knew we had to stop. I lifted my chin and our kiss became sloppy as he trailed it down my neck.

"Johnny," I gasped, "Stop." He only became rougher.

"Stop!" More force behind my voice this time. The tiger part of Johnny had not only changed him physically but apparently mentally as well. He was stronger and more muscular. His skin was orange on his back and faded to the normal, white on his hands and chest. He had a tigers tail and ears and claws and fangs. He had a feral and wild air about him and a low growl that escaped his mouth confirmed my panicked thoughts that he had succumb to his tiger's mentality. I remember having to satisfy certain urges of several bat-like characteristics just to keep my humanity in check.

He began to bite my shoulder, breaking the skin. He continued to bite upwards, and if he reached my neck, he could very well kill me. Using my wings I flipped us over and broke from him, backing up, scooting myself across the ground before turning over and trying to crawl before I could effectively push myself from the ground and break into a run. I never got that chance as he had pounced on me pinning me on the ground again. Using pure adrenaline, I pushed us both off the ground, but he clung to me. I began to fly a few feet from the ground, flapping frantically to get him to let go while his claws sunk into my leg. He finally let go and landed on his feet (how cliché) before I landed near him, struggling to stand. He still looked wild, a feral look in his eye and blood on his lips and dribbling down his chin. Slowly, his eyes returned to normal, slit and amber and cat-like to the original green.

"Sorry. I- I don't know what happened. I didn't mean to," he said, getting up, dusting himself off, and smiling as if it were nothing. I nodded.

"I should go," I managed.

"You sure you don't wanna try again?" he asked. Was he serious? He could've killed, and all he wanted to do was convince me to have sex with him!

"Maybe next time," I said, walking away, in shock and not really sure why I said there would even be a next time. I walked into my tent and began searching through the racks for a shirt that tied around the neck and waist – due to the fact my wings kept me from wearing regular shirts – and a cloth to stop the bleeding. Maybe starting with the latter would be best.

"Oh my god. What happened?" Rebecca all but screeched as she entered the tent, trailed by Darren.

"It's nothing."

" Gashes, bleeding gashes no less, are not just nothing. You look like you've been mauled by a bear," Darren countered.

"Or a tiger," Rebecca muttered.

"I'll go get some wash cloths and water." When Rebecca was sure Darren was out of ear shot, she started in on me.

"It was Johnny wasn't it?" she accused. Trying to lie to Rebecca was like trying to land on the sun, doomed to fail.

"He didn't mean to," I blurted. Smooth.

"Why? Why? Do you put up with him? Whether it was an accident or not, he hurt you. Even if his womanizer ways don't hurt you emotionally. If he can't control himself, he'll end up hurting physically, and if this is what happens when he snaps out of it then what's gonna happen when he can't snap out of it next time. He'll be locked up like the wolfman and you may very well be dead."

"He just needs to control his tiger instincts. You don't think any of us haven't had trouble controlling certain urges. I go stir crazy if I don't drink a monthly ration of blood and fruit – not necessarily together."

"But that doesn't tell my why you put up with him." Darren returned, Evra and Merla in tow, with a few rags and some warm water and bandages.

"Answer the question, Bea," Rebecca demanded. There was only one possible lie that stood a genuine chance of throwing her off of the real reason I put up with Johnny.

"I- Because I feel really strongly about him."

"How?" She was persistent.

"I can't quite say." I was on the verge of breaking down because I knew now that I was lying. I didn't feel strongly about him, but I wasn't going to wait for Evra. That ship had sailed and left me at sea.

"Try." So I said the way Evra made me feel.

"I feel… happy. My heart does this crazy thing, like he stirs up something in me that no one else can. I don't feel different, like I'm not a bat-girl, just an ordinary – and yet at the same time extraordinary – girl. I think maybe I love him. I can teach him to control the urges he as tiger faces."

"But you love –" Rebecca caught herself. "Never mind. But what about the other guy you liked?"

"Rebecca," I said sternly at my wits' end, "I am not waiting for a lost cause."

"Ironically." She was referring to Johnny as another lost cause I was waiting on and under all of their gazes I felt vulnerable and wondered if it just would've been better to let Johnny maul me to death.

"I want… I want to feel like someone loves me too."

"Bea." She tried, feeling as if she had over stepped a boundary. I felt as if she had over stepped it too.

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"Bea," said in a way that said maybe I was being childish. And maybe I was, but at this point I didn't care. I was backed into a corner and desperately trying to get out.

"Rebecca," I shot back. She sighed.

"Let's clean you up," she finally gave in, reluctantly, but I was fine with that.

"But who is it? The one who did this to you," Darren wondered.

"Johnny," Rebecca sneered loud enough for everyone to hear with an eye roll as if to say, "She's lost her mind." I noticed Evra visibly tense when she said who had caused all this. Who knows? Maybe this was good for me.

"Beautiful…" Evra said, uncertainty lined his voice.

"Don't worry, Evra. I told you. I'll be careful," I assured him. Thinking about that night, of course, caused memories of our second kiss to bubble up.

"Case you're doing such a great job being careful," Rebecca muttered sarcastically. A lump rose in my throat, but, as I mentioned before, I've never cried and I wasn't going to start now. Johnny may not have been the love of my life, but he was still something to cling to. A distraction.

~:~:~

"Did you mean what you said?" Evra asked me when we were alone backstage maybe 10 minutes before we opened up for viewers.

"What?" I said, fiddling with the curtains.

"That Johnny makes you feel the way you do."

"I think. Why?"

"I care for you. A lot. Too much to see you hurt and – "

"Evra…."

"I worry."

"You're sweet."

"You're amazing." My head snapped up from the ropes I was tightening.

"Lie to me," I said.

"But you are. You're smart and talented and a great person, and I don't want you to lose that just because someone wanted you to change or hurt you."

"The show's about to start," I said desperately trying to change the subject.

"How long do you plan to avoid this?"

"How long do you plan to persist?" I countered, more guarded than I've ever been, and with the person I should've been the least guarded with. He sighed, and I looked at my feet and my hair flopped into my face. Great I just pissed off the only person I've ever truly loved. This time when he came toward me, he didn't brush the hair out of my face instead he walked by me, and even after was gone I stood there in bitter silence in the dim light of backstage.