"What do you mean that commercial wasn't good enough?"
A limp Woody was watching his kidnapper, Al McWhiggin in his chicken suit, arguing on the phone in his lovely penthouse through glass. He could see the room was gorgeous, decorated in blue, grey carpet and rich enough for the owner of the biggest toy shop in the tri-county.
"Oh, all right!" snapped Al. "I'll be there! I know I'm not as famous as when I was Batman, but I haven't lost my acting skills!" He turned his phone off. Then he turned to Woody. "You, my cowboy partner, are gonna make me big b-b-b-bucks." Then he left.
Woody came to life and gasped. He opened his glass case and jumped out. He tried to reach for the door, but the door handle was too high. And he couldn't do anything with his ripped arm. He looked around and turned to an air vent. He tried unscrewing it with his hand, but he couldn't. Then he heard something and turned around to see a cardboard box that has just been opened.
"What?" Woody was so confused. Then he was terrified as if he was lifted up like magic. He was on a brown horse!
"Welcome to Bullseye's horse trekking school!" said the horse. "Here's lesson No. 1!" And he galloped like mad.
"Whoa!" cried Woody. "Stop, horsey! Horsey, stop! Sit! I said sit! What do you say to make horses sit? Please, sit!"
The horse finally stopped and Woody flew off. He landed on his head. Upside down, he saw a red-hair cowgirl doll with a red hat, a white and yellow shirt, blue trousers covered and brown boots. "Yee-haw!" she cried. "It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you! It's you!"
"Please stop saying that," said Woody. "She doesn't say it that much in the real movie, you know."
The cowgirl pushed Woody ahead and pulled him back with his pull string. "No dick's gonna take my chick away," said Woody's voice box.
"It is you!" cried the cowgirl. "Prospector said someday you would come and – Sweet Jada Pinkett Smith! Bullseye, get him!"
"Right away, ma'am," said Bullseye the horse. He jumped into the cardboard box and brought out something.
"Say hello to the prospector," said the cowgirl.
"Hello, Mr. It's-A-Box," said Woody. All he could see was a colourful box with a picture of a short, fat man with a white beard and a digging pick.
"He's a mint in the box," said the cowgirl. "Never been opened."
"So it seems," said Woody.
"Well, Jessie, Bullseye, somebody, anybody turn me around so I can see if it really is the bastard!" snapped the voice coming from the box.
"Fine! Leave all the horse to do all this work, why don't you?" moaned Bullseye, as he pushed the box around.
Then Woody saw the toy inside the box looked exactly like the man on the back. "Why, the son of a bitch has finally returned. It's good to see you, Woody."
"Well, I'm flatted, but I – WHAT? How the hell do you know my name?" Woody was so confused.
"How the hell do you not know your name?" laughed Bullseye. No one else laughed. "One thing Ilearnt from him is that he has no sense of humour."
"Oh, shut up and show him who he is," snapped Jessie.
Bullseye jumped on a chair and onto a table. He turned the light on.
Woody turned around to see around to see… himself! There was a giant billboard with him on it. And that was not all. He saw his face on cups, mugs, plates, car stickers, t-shirts, shorts, and underwear.
"Never knew kids were wearing me under their pants," said Woody. He looked down and saw magazines and books about him.
"Oh, my god!" cried Woody.
"If you think you've seen it all," said Bullseye, "you've seen nothing yet." Bullseye pushed the tape in the V.H.S. machine. Jessie turned the TV on.
Woody turned around to see the TV. The show was a black and white puppet show. "Cowboy Crunches Presents," said the announcer.
The barn in the background opened and the title said Woody's Roundup.
" Woody's Roundup "sang the chorus of the show. " Who else but Woody? "
" He's Woody, Woody, You never know what he's gonna do next
" He's Woody, Woody "
" Giggity Giggity, let's have sex! " sang the Woody on the TV.
Woody and "his roundup gang" had been watching every episode of the TV series. They were on Episode 12.
"They don't call this the old abandoned mine for nothing, Prospector," said Jessie. "We'd better get out here."
"Not until I find my gold," said Stinky Pete. "It's quite dark. I'll light a candle."
Stinky Pete lit something and it was sparkling.
"A sparkling candle?" said Stinky Pete. "Never seen anything quite like it before. Hey, maybe that's a new discovery I discovered. I'll be rich! I'll be famous! I'll be - "
"Dead," Jessie finished for him."That 'sparkling candle' is dynamite!"
"Oh, shit," cried Stinky Pete.
"I'll call for help," said Jessie. "Oh, critters!" she yodelled.
Outside her critters were asleep and didn't hear Jessie's yodelling.
"Oh, critters!" Jessie cried again.
The critters still didn't wake up.
"CRITTERS!" Jessie shouted at the top of her lungs.
That woke the critters up.
"Now, make yourselves useful and go get Sheriff Woody!" yelled Jessie.
The critters dashed off.
In the town, Bullseye was standing outside the saloon. Sheriff Woody came out drunk.
"How many times have you got laid today?" asked the horse.
"Seven times today," said Woody drunkenly. "I hope I made it in the Guinness World Records!"
The critters arrived.
"What? Jessie and the Prospector are trapped in the old abandoned mine and the old fart lit a dynamite because he thought it was a candle and now they're about to blown to smithereens? A likely story!" laughed Woody.
"Those critters look damn serious," said Bullseye.
"All right," said Woody, getting on Bullseye. "Run like the wind, Bullseye!"
And off they went.
They came to the Grand Canyon and Bullseye jumped over a big gap. They were halfway over.
"Will Woody and Bullseye land to safety?" said the announcer. "Can they reach Jessie and Stinky Pete in time? Tune in next week for the series' finale: Woody's Finest Hour!"
"All right!" cheered Woody. But then Jessie turned the TV off.
"Hey, wait a minute!" cried the anxious cowboy. "What happens next? Come on, let's see the finale."
"That's it," said Stinky Pete. "The show was cancelled right before the finale."
"Why?" asked Woody.
"I blame Sputnik," said Stinky Pete. "Those damn Russians made Americans want to give up on western and play with space toys."
"Still, could be worse," said Bullseye. "It's not like the TV show was cancelled before they even aired an episode, like that TV series based on The Cheetah Girls."
"And just look at this stuff from my show!" cheered Woody. "Oh, look! Me on a yo-yo. A record player. Cups. Plates. Pans. Kettles. Condoms? Wow! A sex machine with me on it! Those chicks who inserted this into them are very lucky indeed."
"Speaking of lucky, those kids are in for a big treat when they come to the museum," said Stinky Pete.
"Will they be any girl visitors – Wait! What museum?" Woody was confused.
"Now you've finally been found, we're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo."
"That's in Japan," Jessie told Woody.
"Japan? Oh, my god!" cried Woody not happily, but with a sad face. "It is an awesome offer, I'm sure, but I can't go."
"What do you mean?" asked Jessie.
"I have to get back home to my owner, Andy," replied Woody, showing Andy's name under his boat.
"He still has an owner?" panted Jessie. "No! I've been in storage for years and no damn way in a million years am I going back in there!"
"Look, I didn't mean to get your hopes up," said Woody. "But I was in this yard sale, trying to save another toy when – "
"I've noticed you arm is ripped," said Stinky Pete. "Did this Andy break you?"
"Yeah, he did, but not on purpose," explained Woody.
"Sounds like he really loves you," Jessie teased meanly.
"It's not like that, ok?" snapped Woody angrily. "I'm not going to any bloody museum!"
"Well, I'm not going back into storage!" snapped Jessie. "So what are we going to do?"
"Hide, since Al's coming back," suggested Bullseye.
Everyone heard footsteps coming towards the penthouse. Jessie hesitated to step in the big box she, Stinky Pete and Bullseye had lived in for how many years.
"Jessie, just jump in," said Stinky Pete. "I promise you'll come out of the box. Now go."
Jessie jumped in. Bullseye went next, followed by Stinky Pete. Woody reached his glass case just in time before Al returned.
"All right!" exclaimed Al, holding a camera. "It's show time!"
He soon picked up Stinky Pete, Jessie and Bullseye and put them in front of a background set that looked like the town in the TV show.
"Now, for the main attraction," said Al, walking towards Woody. "Like the Batman ride at Warner Bros. Movie World."
He opened the glass case and took Woody out, not noticing his arm was ripping.
"When I get this stuff to Japan, I'll be able to relive my glory days back in the 60s and – What? Oh, God!" Al finally saw Woody with his arm off. "Oh, my god!" cried Al. "What do I do? What do I do? What would Batman do? Wait a minute, I am Batman! And I know!" He got out his phone and dialled. "Hi, it's Al! I've got an emergency! Why are you so busy that you can't come here tonight? You watchin' Shrek? The musical? Is it good? Well, about you come in the morning?"
Still on the phone, Al made his way out of the room. Woody wasted no time screaming his head off. "Look! My arm is gone! Completely gone! I'm never gonna get laid now! Not even prostitutes dolls will take me!"
"Oh, calm down!" said Stinky Pete. "It's just a popped seam. The cleaner will come, fix your arm – "
"And then I'll beat it!" Woody finished.
"Beat what, man?" asked Bullseye.
"Well, it's another saying of 'I don't wanna be here'," Woody explained.
"I know!" snapped Bullseye. "That was a rhetorical question. And I'd know you'd go straight back to Andy's house."
"Yeah, since that's all he ever talks about," said Jessie.
Now Woody was defeated. On the one hand, Andy would be miserable without him. But on the other hand, his round-up gang will have to go back into storage after so many years. "Boy, this is more difficult than when the Jews decided to free Jesus Christ or Barabbas."
On the eve before Jesus's crucifixion, Pontius Pilate stood before the Jews with two questions – Jesus Christ and Barabbas.
"You have two choices: To free Jesus Christ or Barabbas," Pilate told them.
The Jews thought about this, but took their time deciding between them.
"Jesus has done a lot of good things," said one Jew.
"But he's trying to make us go softer on us," said another Jew.
After five minutes of discussing between them, Pilate said, "Do you want me to free the King of the Jews?"
Then the crowd made its decision. "We want… Barabbas!"
Both Pilate and Jesus were amazed. "Why? Why do you want a murderer?"
"Because he's tough!" said one Jew.
"And he's cool!" said another one.
"So much for all your hard work, eh?" Pilate teased.
Jesus just smiled. "Wherever you crucify me or not, in the end, I will still win."
"We'll see about that," said Pilate. He nodded to the soldiers who took Jesus away.