AN:So much for daily updates, sorry I've been away on the weekend and only had my phone with me. But here you go. Hope you enjoy!

"It's not only when these eyes are closed
these lies are ropes and I tied them to my stomach
but they hold this ship together tossed like leaves in this weather
my dreams are sails that I point towards my true north"
Listener ~ "Wooden Heart"

It's cold and dark outside. Laura realizes that she doesn't even know what time it is; she quickly sifts through the pockets of her trousers to check the time on her phone. When she comes up empty, she remembers leaving her phone in her jacket. Her warm and cozy jacket that is currently somewhere inside the house - inside where she is supposed to be as well. She casts a backward glance at the huge mansion behind her; no, she isn't going to head back inside; not before she finds what she's looking for.

Sighing she wraps her arms around herself, rubbing her hands on her bare arms to keep them from shaking. It isn't even that cold, she tells herself. She is only wearing her tee; she didn't even think about wearing a jacket. She just wanted to go and find her.

"Why are you following me?"

Laura winces. She quickly turns around. A dark shadow she knows to be Carmilla is sitting on a wooden bench, her arms hugging her legs tightly to her body. She passed by her only mere seconds ago not seeing her hiding in the shadows. Laura can barely make out her silhouette in the dark. The moon is hiding behind thick clouds and dips the night in faint light.

Tentatively Laura takes a few steps in her direction. She is so nervous that she nearly trips over her own feet trying to make her way to the other girl. She quickly glances down, silently cursing herself for being so clumsy. A soft chuckle resonates through the dimly lit garden and the sound draws Laura only closer to her.

She makes her way towards the dark shadow; her heart beats loudly in anticipation of finally being able to see her. With her heart throbbing loudly she remembers the soft skin under her fingers. Laura remembers seeing her with her hands, feeling her lips turn into a smile under her fingers, feeling the up and down movement of her jaw as she talked. She remembers how close they were, the feeling of Carmilla's lips hovering only inches from her earlobe; remembers the sensations that shot through her body when she felt her warm breath on her skin.

She tries to shake her nervousness, tries to shake the gut feeling that Carmilla had only been playing her.

That this really was nothing more than a game to her.

Will's strained voice disturbed whatever they were doing. Carmilla was still only inches away from her, her hand still cradling strands of Laura's hair. He was nothing but a gentleman when he asked his sister if they could just talk in private for a second. Carmilla followed him outside.

Laura heard the door close behind them and it didn't take long until the civil talk they were supposed to have, turned into them shouting at each other. Laura couldn't make out what they were saying, partly because the door was closed and partly because Kirsch tried to engage her in conversation. She knew that it was none of her business what was going on between the siblings, but she couldn't shake the feeling that it was her business. That she was the reason they were arguing.

The door opened and seconds later there was a loud thud when it banged against something. Laura winced at the loud sound.

"You don't know shit, Will."

He didn't answer. Laura heard angry steps striding closer to where she was sitting. Nobody said anything. Carmilla walked around the table to her place. But she didn't sit down, instead Laura heard her picked something up.

"Sorry, cupcake," she bit out. Her voice was strained. "Didn't mean to ruin your evening. I have to get going; things to do, people to see."

Laura wanted to say something, wanted to ask her to stay, wanted to ask her what was wrong. But before she was able to utter a single syllable, the other girl had already left.

The door fell close behind Carmilla and just like that she was gone. Gone from her life. Laura felt angry at herself, at Will, at Danny, at Carmilla. What happened, how did they go from being so intimate with each other to just parting ways like that?

"What the fuck just happened?" She was surprised at herself; she didn't curse normally. Her dad hated it when she did.

Will just sighed, before he started explaining.

Laura halts a few meters from Carmilla. She is sitting on a wooden bench, leaning against the backrest, her legs pulled close to her body. She isn't looking at Laura, her chin resting on her knees and her head is turned away from Laura, slightly tilted upwards. Long, dark hair makes it impossible for Laura to see more than shadows where her face is supposed to be.

Carmilla is clad all in black. Black leather pants and an equally dark shirt that is leaving her arms bare. In contrast her skin is fair, eerily pale in the faint light of the moon. She looks like a mysterious figure out of a fantasy novel; a mysterious queen with magical powers that lives in a castle on top of a hill; an alluring mystical creature that feeds of human chi or blood. That's what she could look like. But at the moment all Laura sees is a girl. She's hunched on the bank and looks like she's hiding.

She isn't at all what Laura had expected, but at the same time she's so much more. She certainly looks different from the mental picture Laura had drawn inside her mind during the dinner.

Only now she remembers the question Carmilla has asked her. Not ready to answer that question and not sure if she even has an answer, she asks one of her own.

"Why are you running away?"

Carmilla looks in her direction for a second, before gazing up at the stars. Stars she can't even see, because the night sky is cloudy.

"I'm not running away." A shiver goes through her; Carmilla's voice is stinging her body like a million, little icicles. It's chillier than the night around them.

"Then why did you leave?"

"I…I'm," she starts, but her voice leaves her before she speaks the words she meant to say. Carmilla clears her throat. "You want to sit down?"

She scooches over leaving the right side of the bank for Laura.

Laura nods, taking a seat next to her; leaving enough space between them to not feel like a creep, but still close enough to feel the warmth radiating from Carmilla's body. She leans back, glancing over at Carmilla. The other girl takes a deep breath, releasing it in a puff of white fog.

"You must be cold."

"I'm alright."

"Here." Laura isn't sure where Carmilla suddenly procured a blanket, but she takes it thankfully. She wraps her body in the cover, only now realizing that she is shivering. The wool feels itchy on her skin, but she's happy for the additional layer to keep warm.

"Aren't you cold?"

"No," Carmilla just says. Her voice is definite, not allowing Laura to question something as a simple as a no. Her whole demeanour has changed; she is somewhat clinical, more guarded than she was inside. For a moment Laura wonders if this really is the same girl as before.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Laura."

She still hasn't turned once to look at her; her head isn't necessarily turned away from Laura, but at the same time she isn't showing the slightest inclination to turn towards her. Laura is still wondering about what it means that Carmilla is actually calling her by her given name, rather than by one of her ridiculous pet names, when Carmilla speaks up again.

"I'm not a good person."

"Of course you are," she shoots back without a second thought.

"I'm not." Carmilla shakes her head, her hair following the soft movement. Her words are hard and strained. "I'm sure Will told you all about it."

"He told me nothing," Laura says remembering his curt and bland answers to her questions. He honestly told her nothing of importance. For somebody that seemed to hate his sister, he was rather protective of her.

"Really? I was sure he was going to brag about how he saved you from falling prey to his evil and vicious sister."

"He didn't. I… you're not evil, Carmilla." The words hurt Laura more than they should. It hurts her that Carmilla thinks of herself as evil; again she thinks about how Will even defended her, but told her at the same time to stay away from his sister. She can't make head nor tail of the siblings. "There is no evil. We're not some cartoonish characters in a stupid 19th century novella; in real life there is no black and white."

Carmilla laughs. Laura remembers the way she felt the vibrations of her laughter in the air before, remembers how soft and soothing the sound felt; but now her cackle feels like multiple stab wounds to the chest.

"But I am, cupcake. He was right, you know; it was nothing more than a ploy to get back at him. Danny is one of his closest friends; she's very important to him. The opportunity was just too perfect to pass up on. A chance to both fuck with him and Clifford…"

"No..."

"It's nothing personal, sweetheart. Will acts like a white knight most of the time, but he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. He deserves everything he's got coming. Same goes for your tall, red girlfriend."

"No." Laura shakes her head not believing a word. Not able to believe a word she is saying. She remembers soft fingers caressing her face like she is the most precious thing Carmilla has ever laid her hands on.

"For what it's worth, I'm sorry you got caught up in this mess. You seem like a nice enough girl, and you know, nothing even happened. You and Xena can still get your happy ending."

"What if I don't want that?"

Carmilla halts, her whole body going rigid. "Don't be stupid, Laura. She's everything you could ever wish for."

"Maybe I want something, no somebody else."

"You don't. Snap out of it, cupcake. This," she gestures between herself and Laura, "this hasn't been real. It was a trick, a fantasy, a game. Nothing more. And it's over."

"It didn't feel like a trick to me."

"What can I say, I'm a talented actress."

Laura struggles to breath, the air compressing around her. She closes her eyes, seeing their... something collapse like a house of cards in front of her. No, no, no. Gentle fingers playing with a strand of her hair, drawing the curve of her eyebrows, Carmilla's breath tickling her skin, teasing words getting whispered into her ear.

"I don't believe you."

Carmilla is trying to hide something, trying to drive her away. Nervously Laura plays with the blanket not daring to look at the other girl. She refuses to accept her words.

"Laura, listen very carefully to me. You are nothing to me, what we did; it was a game, I was playing you. It was fun while it lasted, but it's over now. You're just too caught up inside this lie to realize it. It's over," she repeats. Every word is another stab meant to drive Laura farther and farther away.

Laura remembers the feeling of Carmilla's lips under her fingertips, the way her mouth turned into a soft smile under the touch. If she had been faking it, she truly was a great actress. The way she whispered into her ear, took Laura's breath away. It felt so real. The feeling that this is it. Whatever it is.

She closes her eyes, trying to rid herself of the memories. She knew she was playing with fire, she knew she was gonna get burnt. She just didn't expect it to happen, before it even started. She knows that Carmilla isn't telling her everything, but she doesn't know how to win her trust. She doesn't know what she did wrong, what it is that is making Carmilla act so stand-offish.

She's still protectively hugging her legs to her body, her eyes averted.

"You can't even look me in the eyes, Carmilla."

She wants to touch Carmilla, wants to hold her hand, wants her to just tell the truth, to stop lying and trying to sweep something, whatever that may be, under the carpet. But Carmilla seems so far away, her whole body language telling Laura to stay the hell away. Even hearing Laura's words, she doesn't lift her head. She just takes a deep breath, it seems almost desperate now.

"Maybe you should go."

"Maybe I should," Laura agrees, but she doesn't move. She lets her words linger between them.

Carmilla shifts next to her, she moves her legs to the ground and runs her fingers through her long hair, not visibly paying any attention to Laura. Nobody says anything.

The silence is excruciating. Laura feels like maybe she should just go. Maybe she has overstayed her welcome. She takes a deep breath making a decision. She reaches out towards Carmilla. She touches her arm and the other girl flinches, moving even farther away. Her skin is cold. Ice cold.

"Oh my god, you're freezing."

She takes the blanket and uses it cover both of them, closing the gap that Carmilla put in between them only moments before. Carmilla doesn't move or react in any way this time. She lets Laura tug her in; contrary to her instincts Laura tries not to touch Carmilla while doing so; she doesn't want to feel Carmilla flinch away from her touch for a second time.

She tries to catch a glimpse of Carmilla's face, but her face is hidden behind her hair, her head twisted to the side. They are sitting closer to each other than before, their bodies still not touching. Carmilla uses her arm to hold the blanket in place, her hand resting in between their bodies.

"Carmilla." She doesn't react. "Carmilla, Carm… I'm not leaving."

She takes a long time to react to that statement. "If I knew you were so clingy beforehand, I would never have bothered." Her voice has lost the sharpness though. It almost sounds like she has given up, on what Laura can't say.

"What is it that you are afraid of?" she finally gathers enough courage to ask.

Carmilla doesn't answer.

"This isn't even about Will or Danny, is it?"

"No." She's surprised at Carmilla's honest answer. "No, it's not."

"What is…", she starts, but Carmilla interrupts her.

"You don't know me. The girl you met inside, that isn't me… well, it is in a way, I guess, but there are some things you don't know. It wasn't fair what I did. But," she struggles to find the right words, "I couldn't help myself. It felt nice, you know. This evening has been the first time that I have enjoyed myself in a very, very long time; I don't want to push you away, Laura. But I have to.

"I was selfish, enjoying you, us more than I should have. You're a blank page and just for a second… I felt normal. You made me feel normal. But it wasn't fair, I made you think I am someone, I'm not. You probably won't believe me if I told you I longed for those few moments to last forever. But I did, I do. And that's why it can't happen. I don't want you to end up... I just don't." There is so much more in her words; so many things left unsaid, so much to be read in between the lines. So much Laura can't make any sense of.

"Carmilla, I don't understand…"

"I know, you don't, cupcake. I know."

"Then… why don't you explain it to me?"

"I don't know how… I never had to; people always just… knew."

"Knew what?"

She ignores her question. "You don't want me, Laura. You think you do, but you don't. I could never be the person you want me to be. I could never be enough. I'm more trouble than I am worth."

Laura knows how hard this is for her; she knows how much of a struggle Carmilla is going through to even vocalize those words. She knows this. And still, she pushes. She can't help herself.

"That should be my decision, shouldn't it? And maybe it is you that deserves better. We've all done shitty things, that doesn't make us undeserving of…" Love. That's what she wants to say, but she's afraid that Carmilla will just retreat back into her snail shell; that she will shut her out again. "… of being listened to. And I'm here. I want to be here. With you."

Maybe she said too much, maybe she offered to much.

Carmilla doesn't react, she keeps staring at everything but Laura. Her right hand plays with the blanket, spinning the fabric in her fingers. She opened up, she started to trust her and Laura has just fucked it up. She wasn't always good at finding the right words at the right time. Most of the time she just talked, vocalized her thoughts. People always told her honesty was a good and amiable trait; most of the times her honesty kept on biting her in the ass.

"Tell me what you see," Carmilla finally says. Laura is surprised to hear her speak.

"What do you mean?"

"Just describe, you know, what you see…" Her hands reach out, pointing at the garden, the pond, the night sky. Laura has to tear her eyes off Carmilla to be able to do what she asks of her. She hasn't noticed before, that she has been staring at the other girl throughout their whole conversation.

"It's dark. There's not much to see." Laura shrugs. "We're in your garden, the moon is hiding behind dark clouds, it's dark; you can't see the stars. There are trees around us, they make it even darker. Don't know what kind, even though I grew up in a small town, I'm not very familiar with nature. Maybe an oak tree. There's a pond over there, there are a lot of different flowers surrounding it. Over there is some kind of statue, but it's too dark to make out any details. If I turned around I would be able to see your big ass mansion and the stony path to where we are sitting. And there is… you."

Again her eyes trail over Carmilla while she tries to come up with something to describe her. She doesn't really know how to. Her words fail her. Instead she settles for staring at Carmilla. Again. Something she's making a habit of. Carmilla runs a hand through her hair, leaving her dark curls even messier than before.

"Do you want me to tell you what I see?" Carmilla asks.

Laura nods. "Yes."

She still doesn't know what Carmilla is trying to accomplish. Was this a peace offering? Was she trying to tell Laura, that it's okay, that they are okay? Was this her way of taking their mind of the heavy shit they had been arguing about?

Carmilla draws a deep breath. "I hear the rustling of the leaves behind us. It's soft and sporadic and reminds me of the fact that in a couple of weeks there aren't going to be any leaves left on the trees. It's sad, but at least I know that in spring there will be new leaves, new life on the trees. I can hear the frogs over at the pond; it's only the young ones, the old can't be bothered anymore. Sometimes they croak the whole night, but they have been relatively quiet tonight, only occasionally making themselves felt. It's probably because our cat is somewhere over there as well; trying to get lucky tonight.

"I can still feel the sun, even though you can't see it anymore. It lingers in the air long after it has gone down, disappeared from view. It's a warmth I can feel in the air, softly caressing my skin; but it's nothing more than a faint lingering now. I have always loved the night; Will... Ell and I used to go out to play in the dark, when we were younger. I know they hated it out here, but they did it for me. Mother always got so angry. God, that was so long ago.

"I can feel the cold concrete under my feet, it's always somewhat cold here, even in the middle of the day, because the sun only occasionally finds its way through the thick trees. I like that, it makes me feel somewhat connected, grounded. I can feel the scratchy fabric of the blanket on my skin.

"Normally I'd be able to smell the night as well. It's not that different from the day, but the flowers don't smell as heavy in the night and the air is cleaner, I guess. You can breathe more freely. It's like a weight is lifted from you. There are fewer people, you can't hear the noise of cars or people making a fuss. Everybody's asleep. It's peaceful.

"But at the moment… I can only smell a faint sense of roses and apples. You're clouding my senses, Laura. It's driving me nuts. I have never been so aware of someone before. I can feel you move your hand, I can feel every breath you take, every heart beat. You are so clear. You are taking quick breaths right now and it makes me think that you are nervous. Which doesn't really make any sense since it's you that is making me more nervous than I've been since… for a long time," she admits and Laura wonders for a second if Carmilla can also feel how her breath hitches at hearing her say those words.

Laura turns around in a sudden need to be closer to Carmilla; the blanket slips from her lap leaving her exposed to the coldness of the night. She pulls one of her legs up, crossing it under her body. The cold air brushes against her skin, sending shivers through her body; she doesn't even notice, instead all her attention is focused on the dark haired girl sitting only inches away.

Carmilla's hand is still resting in between their bodies. Softly Laura touches her hand, intertwining their fingers. Carmilla stiffens, but does nothing to break the contact. Her hand feels cold. Laura cradles it in her own, trying to share her warmth with the other girl.

"Carmilla, look at me."

The dark haired girl takes some time to react. For a moment she is frozen, unable to move a muscle, looking up at the sky; then she slowly turns towards Laura. She mimics Laura's pose as she faces her, their hands still interlaced in between their bodies.

Her eyes are closed when she turns. For the first time Laura sees more than her perfect jaw line and her hair hiding her face. It's still dark around them, but Laura has become somewhat accustomed to the darkness. She wants to raise her hand to touch the softness of her cheeks again, but her muscles don't comply. Her eyes trail Carmilla's jaw, admire the fullness of her lips, follow the soft curve of her brows, marvel her high cheekbones and nearly get cut on her sharp features.

She watches Carmilla's lids flutter.

When Carmilla opens her eyes Laura's heart stops for a second. A small gasp escapes her lips and at the same time she feels Carmilla draw away from her; her eyes flutter close again and she moves her body away from Laura.

Laura squeezes her hand softly. "Don't, don't," she whispers, "Carm, trust me."

Carmilla doesn't move closer again, but stops in her movement and opens her eyes again. A million thoughts invade Laura's mind at the same time. She doesn't know what to think. What to feel. It's too much.

She remembers how expertly Carmilla's fingers moved over her skin, like she did this everyday, like this was how she saw people. Laura feels a weight on her body that is dragging her down. Her heart feels heavy.

Carmilla's eyes are the warmest shade of brown she has ever seen. They are the color of chestnuts or pecan shells, a medium-brown with a hint of reddish or orange tones. But something is different. Laura needs a few seconds to realize what it is. Where the dark jet black of her pupils is supposed to be, the brown of her iris continues. Carmilla doesn't have pupils. Her eyes are solely a cloudy, muted brown with specks of lighter colors shining through.

They are not clear, Laura can't differentiate between the different shades, there are no lines, no patterns to be seen. The color of her eyes is not distinct, it's a blend of the various tones. Something similar to a veil blurs her eyes. They remind Laura of a snowstorm or thick fog hazing her view. Like a blurred painting that is still beautiful.

She forgets how to breathe for a second; the realization strikes her like a ton of bricks straight in the face. She can't look away, her eyes are glued to the other girl.

"Say something," Carmilla says almost desperately. Her hand is trembling. Her eyes move for the first time, darting from left to right without seeing anything.