Can't Stay Away Chapter 4: For His Own Good, a stargate: sg-1 fanfic

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Re-upload due to the fact that I ended up posting the wrong draft of the chapter. Sorry for anyone who might have gotten weird notifications via email or confusion.

**This chapter has reference to Sarah Gardner,

a character that doesn't appear in the series until Season Four but no real spoilers**

CHAPTER FOUR: For His Own Good

-Jack's POV-

Did I really just do that? I can't believe I kissed him. What were you thinking, O'Neill? That's right you weren't. Of course he did kiss me back so it's fine. Better then fine. Definitely worth the risk if he wasn't interested and that little thing in his room while he was sleeping was just a fluke. Oh yeah, definitely worth it.

Still… There's a chance he won't want this. Just because he kissed me doesn't mean anything… I may have screwed up everything. Well, that's great.

Now we're on the couch after Daniel says we should talk. How long have we been sitting here in silence anyways? I've always been fine with not talking about my emotions. But this is getting awkward.

There's still beer left. I pull what would be the fifth beer out of the plastic ring. It's warm but I don't care. Before sitting back though, I notice the can I dropped while asleep and put in on the table with the other three empty cans.

This silence is killing me. "So… You wanted to talk?"

"What do you want Jack?" He sounds scared, over-thinking that brain of his again. Don't get me wrong, it's brilliant, and it's saved the world a few times but it does have a tendency to get in the way.

Anyways, here I am looking down at the empty cans, trying to figure out how to answer. What do I want? I want him, definitely want him. Only it's not just meaningless sex I'm looking for. I don't think I can handle that, and I'm pretty sure he couldn't either. A relationship would be nice. That's something that's going to be hard to cover, considering our jobs and my particular position in that job. I take another swing of the beer to figure out the wording of my answer. To hell with it! I'm not denying it anymore. I've already decided that I'm done hiding on the way here so I might as well get this done and over with.

"You." Idiot! What kind of answer is that? And what's wrong with my voice? Why am I so nervous?

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him jerk his head up and shift slightly. He turns around on the couch so he's facing me. Clearing my voice I try again. "I want you, with me… I'll retire again if I have too. I…" I let out a nervous laugh, not knowing how else to say what I want.

There's silence again. It goes on long enough for me to finish the rest of the beer and start the last one.

"Look, Jack. I'm sorry but you got the wrong idea…"

Oh god, I knew it. That kiss, it was a fluke. He doesn't want me… Never has, never will.

Why do I feel like my heart's been ripped out of my chest?

"Last night, I just thought you had a right to know. I never meant to go further than that, especially with your career on the line. The only reason I've decided to stay with the SGC is to find Sha're and go back to Abydos with her. I mean, it is my fault she's in this mess in the first place. I shouldn't have insisted we leave the Stargate unburied…"

Just thought I had a right to know? Never meant to go further than…

"What are you saying? You don't want me?" That comes out harsher then I intended. Geez, O'Neill, calm down. Why are you grilling him anyways? He just had a crush that obviously he's now regretting. Why am I taking this so hard? "Sorry. I'll just go."

I stand up and leave but I stop when I open the door. What's wrong with me? Why can't I leave?

When did I become such an emotional sap that's become so dependent on Daniel?

-Daniel's POV-

Well, this is a surprise. He's obviously not as straight as I thought he was and interested. There's definitely no argument about that, if that make-out session we had in the kitchen was anything to go by. Now what? It's not like we can be in any sort of relationship other than the one we've been having until now. Even if we did, there's the whole Air Force to consider that would have us hiding everything if we did do anything. It would be bad on him if the wrong person found out. I don't want him retiring because of me either.

I have to consider Sha're too. I promised I would find her and return with her. How is she going to react when she finds out that I've been in another relationship with someone else, a man on top of that, and maybe even be happy while she was off being forced to do things she doesn't want to?

Then there's the whole deal where I don't have the best record for relationships. There was Sarah during college. She was nice. Of course that's how I figured out I was gay. Being an idiot, I had led her on. Two months in, I let myself become obsessed because I couldn't handle it and just let her walk off without explaining.

The few men I've been with afterwards, had turned out to just want someone to sleep with, or use me for whatever their reason, so there wasn't anything emotional. Sha're's the one best relationship I've been in with and that was only because Kasuf gave her to me as a gift. On top of that, it wasn't even on Earth.

"So… You wanted to talk?"

God, what do I do? I can't do this… Maybe I won't have too.

"What do you want Jack?" What if he wants what I want?

I chance a glance at him. He's got a scrawl on his as if trying to figure out what to say. When I look back down at my feet I hear him say "You." His voice is all scratchy, no doubt out of fear and self-doubt.

My head jerks up in shock to look at Jack wondering what he meant. I turn around so I'm now facing him on the couch. Before I can gather my thoughts to say anything he clears his throat and starts to talk again.

"I want you, with me… I'll retire again if I have too. I…" He starts to laugh nervously.

He does want me. He's even willing to retire for me.

You could do this… Don't let this become something that we'll both end up regretting. Remember his career. Remember Sha're.

"Look, Jack. I'm sorry but you got the wrong idea…"

Oh jeez. This is hard. He's got that look again, the anguish one that's an exact copy of the time I told him to leave me behind on the ship. Did his breath just hitch?

Suck it up Daniel; it's for his own good, and yours.

I can see the pain mix in with confusion.

"What are you saying? You don't want me?"

The sharpness in his voice that's a mix of anger and pain hits me like I've been punched in the stomach. He's taking this hard… I think I've had an easier time dealing with the intergalactic war then this.

"Sorry. I'll just go."

I watch as he stands to leave but stops when he has the door open. Everything in me is screaming to let him go.

Why does it feel like if he goes through that door that he'll never come back? It hurts… why does it hurt thinking about him leaving?

It's for his own good, remember? Let him go. You can go to the mountain first thing in the morning to hand in your transfer to another team. I can leave the SGC as soon as I find Sha're and I won't have to see him again. He doesn't need me.

Why isn't he leaving?

All of a sudden there's a cold laugh. I try to ask him why he's laughing but I can't seem to be able to say anything.

"You know, it's funny. I spent all that since coming back after Abydos being perfectly fine in denial." Jack's voice is in this monotone that makes me think if I didn't know any better, I wouldn't think it was him talking. "It started to get harder when I was pinned to the wall and those things from that time capsule we brought back started to talk through me. I wanted to blame you last night... Now, not even twenty-four hours later, I can't... You've turned me into something I never wanted to deal with, something I can't afford because of everything we're dealing with out there. I'm scared shitless because I still don't want to deal with it. Don't blame yourself, Danny, because I know that's what your doing, or will do. God... I don't even know what I'm saying."

Great. Now I really regret bringing it up. I knew it was a bad idea.

He turns around and I see a weak smile on his face. "Hey, don't..." I watch as he walks up to me and unfolds my arms from around my chest. I didn't even realize I was hugging myself. Next thing I know Jack has his lips on mine.

"You have every reason not want me, and I don't blame you. I'm an idiot of a Colonel that's all for big guns and doesn't have the slightest idea on what you and all the other geeks prattle about. You deserve better. Someone younger even. Just... do me a favor. Be happy." He hugs me, whispering, "I love you."

With that, he straightens himself with his usual smirk, like nothing's happened. "So, see you Tuesday at the mountain?"

Without an answer he's gone, shutting the door behind him.

Crap...

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I have no idea where I'm going with this. It sort of started as an idea that demanded writing, and now I don't know because quite honestly I only saw the beginning of this in my brain and never really figured out how to finish. Let me know what you think so far, because this just could be a case of writer's block but I don't know.

The episode where Jack is pinned to the wall is called 'Message In A Bottle'

If you want a more specific time reference for where this story is compared to the show, it's between 'Message In A Bottle' (Episode 7) & 'Secrets' (Episode 9) of the second season. At least at this point it is.