"Hello?"

"Hello, is this a Miss Willow Rosenberg?"

"Yes, this is she."

"Oh yes, hello. I'm sorry to bother you, dearie-"

"No, that's okay. How can I help you?"

"Well, I was given your number as an in-case-of-emergencies sort of thing by a Miss Buffy Summers."

"Oh god, is something-?"

"Oh no, dear! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you. Everything's alright. It's more of a personal matter."

"Oh. How do you know Buffy?"

"Well, they just moved in next door. I'm Ms Peters."

"Oh yeah, Buffy said you made them cookies when they moved in. Spike went crazy for them."

[laughs] "Yes, that's right, dear. Such a lovely young man he is - so polite, you know, despite appearances."

"Yeah, that's what we always say about Spike: great manners."

"Who says that about Spike?"

[whispered] "Shh, Dawnie, I'm on the phone."

[whispered] "To who?"

[whispered] "One of Buffy and Spike's new neighbours."

"Well, dear, as you know, they moved in a fortnight ago and Buffy gave me your number in case something ever happened while they were gone. They travel quite a bit, I understand."

"Yes, they do, Miss Peters. But I didn't think they were away at the moment."

"Oh no, dearie, they're here. That's why I'm calling you actually. You see, they are such a lovely young couple - so friendly, which is a rare thing these days, and I wouldn't want to do anything to cause any trouble."

"Trouble?"

"Yes, well you see... there have been some strange noises since they moved in."

"Strange noises? You mean like, uh..."

"Probably them screwing again."

[whispered] "Dawnie, shh!"

"Well, dear, a lot of groaning and occasionally the most almighty roars."

"Roaring?"

[whispered] "Put it on speaker, Will."

"Yes, dear, it's very loud, you know. The walls are quite thin in these old terraced houses."

"I understand, but... I'm not sure how I can help you, Ms Peters."

"Well, dearie, it is sometimes quite alarming and normally one would think to phone the police but they are such a lovely young couple that I wouldn't want to cause them any bother, you see. I wondered since you are a friend of theirs, if you're not too far away, if you could perhaps have a visit and see if everything's alright. Miss Summers mentioned that you had a spare key should anything arise. I would chap the door myself but my hip, you see, it gives me awful pains sometimes and I try not to be walking on it too much. And my husband is quite infirm, you know, almost bed-bound. And then there is the matter of privacy - I wouldn't want to be known as a busybody."

[mumbled] "Why not? You sound like one."

[whispered] "Dawn!" [louder] "Oh I'm sorry, Ms Peters. Of course I can come over and see if everything's okay."

[whispered] "I'm not going!"

[whispered] "Yes, you are, Dawn!"

"Oh, thank you, honey. That would be such a help!"

"It's no problem at all, Ms Peters. I'll make sure everything's okay."

"If you pop by afterwards, I'll make sure to keep some fresh cookies out for you as a thank you."

"Oh, that's not necessary, really-"

"I insist! I'll put them in the oven just now. Thank you again, dear. It's so encouraging to see young people with such nice manners."

"Oh, eh, thanks, Ms Peters. I guess I'll see you soon."

"Bye bye, dear."

"Bye."

"I'm not going."

"Well, I'm not going on my own, Dawn, so you have to come!"

"Why can't you just pretend you went over and phone her back and say everything's fine?"

"Because A) she's leaving cookies out, B) she's a sweet old lady who deserves a night of peace and quiet, and C) a special layer of hell is reserved for paedophiles, rapists and people who lie to sweet old cookie-baking grandmother types."

"You forgot D."

"Which is?"

"I'm not going."

"Dawnie, please! You can't make me go on my own!"

"Why not? You're an all-powerful wicca! You can handle yourself fine."

"Well, so can Xander normally but he still lost both his testicles when he stayed there for one night!"

"Oh, that was 2 years ago. He's fine now."

"He still flinches when he sees a rolling pin, Dawn."

"I don't care. I'm not putting myself through the torture of visiting Buffy and Spike's. No way. N.O!"

"Well, why should I have to?"

"Because you were stupid enough to answer the phone, that's why!"

"You know, there could actually be something wrong."

"What, you mean they might have had so much sex over the years that they're now permanently joined at the crotch and the noises they're making are their attempts to wrench themselves free? Yes, that would be tragic. And you know what? I can live the rest of my life quite happily without seeing it. Leave them in their crotch-smooched hell."

"I'll turn you into a hedgehog if you don't come with me!"

"Willow, I love you. You're like another sister to me and I love living with you. I love Buffy, I love Spike and I have nothing against old ladies in general. But I know what is making those noises. I know what they're doing. I know what happens when people try to stop them from doing it. And I know that no good can possibly come out of walking into that house unless your name is Buffy or Spike."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I would rather be a hedgehog."

"Hedgehogs have parasites, you know."

"I know."

"Um, hello?"

[muffled] "Ungh... ooof."

"Buffy? Spike? Hello? Is everything-"

[muffled] "Ohgodohgodohgodohgod!"

"- alright?"

[crash] "UNGH!"

[whispered] "Goddess, grant me strength. Okay, Willow, come on! Be an adult about this, it's just sex."

"SLAYER!"

"OH GOD, SPIKE!"

"Really loud, obnoxious sex. Ew!"

[silence]

"Um, hello?"

[muffled] "There's someone downstairs."

[muffled] "Piss off!"

"It's me, Buffy!"

[door opening] "Willow?"

[wincing] "Hey, Buffy."

"Um, what are you doing here, Will?"

"Oooh, nice robe... I mean, uh, well, is everything okay?"

[shouting] "Everything's fine, Red, go away!"

"Spike! Sorry, Will. What's up?"

"Oh, nothing really. Just wanted to check and see you're all settled into your new house and all."

"You just wanted to check and see we were settled in... at 10 at night?"

"Well, actually, I got a call from your new neighbour - Ms Peters."

[shouting] "The cookie lady? Are there more cookies, Red?"

[shouting] "Not for people who tell me to piss off, there aren't!"

"Oh yeah, I gave her your number in case of emergencies. But why did she call you? Is something wrong?"

"Well, uh, she was, you know, a little freaked out by the, um, noises that she hears sometimes."

"Oh god."

"So, the old bat's hearing aid's in working order then, I take it."

"Ah! Naked Spike!"

"Spike! Back in the bedroom!"

"You hear the way she talks to me, Red? I'm nothing but her soddin' sex slave."

"Bedroom!"

"Red's not blushing, Buffy. Don't worry about it."

"Actually, I am blushing - you just can't see it cause I'm covering my face with my hand."

"Works for me, luv."

"Really, you guys, she just wanted me to check you're okay and let you know that the walls are a little, um, thinner than you think."

"Oh god, this is humiliating!"

"No, it's not, pet."

"You're still naked, Spike."

"I know, Red."

"Did she sound like she knew what the noises were, Will?"

"Actually, no. She seemed too sweet to really get it."

"Oh please. She's what, eighty odds? You don't get to your eighties without having done a lotta shaggin'. She knows."

"Spike! Ew!"

"What'd'ya mean, ew? What's ew about it?"

"She's eighty! She's all old and gross!"

"Stones. Glass houses. I was born in 1849, sweets, and you just spent the better part of four hours with my cock up your-"

"Ah! Lalalalala! IgottagonowseeyoubothforThursdaydinneratourhousegottagobye!"

[door slams]

"Now, where were we?"

"Oh, no, no, no. Retract those hands, buster."

"What? Come on, Slayer-"

[whispering] "And lower your voice! I don't want the neighbours thinking we're perverts!"

"Are you kidding me on?"

[whispering] "Do I look like I'm kidding, Spike?"

"No, you look like you're five seconds away from a good shag against the front door."

"Lower your voice when you say that word!"

[whispering] "What word?" [shouting] "SHAG?"

[whispering] "Stop it!"

"SHAG, SHAG, SHAG, SHAG - oof!"

"Don't say another word, Spike!"

[intake of breath] "SH-"

...ding dong...

"Hello?"

"Uh, hi, I'm Willow Rosenberg, the friend of Buffy's."

"Oh yes, hello! It's nice to put a face to a voice - and what a pretty face. Come in, dearie, come in."

"Oh, thank you, Ms Peters, but I really can't stay long."

"Of course, I wouldn't want to trouble you any more, honey. You just come in and I'll get you your cookies to take home."

"Oh really, you don't have to-"

"Nonsense, it won't take me a moment."

[muffled] "SHAG!"

"Oh. Did you say something, dear?"

"No! I didn't say anything!"

[muffled] "COCK!"

"Oh god."

"Come on through to the kitchen, dear. Did you check on your friends?"

"Yes, I did and everything's okay. I told them about the thin walls and they're going to try to keep it-"

[muffled] "TITS!"

"-down."

"I'm sorry, could you say that again? I've turned my hearing aid down what with all the banging earlier."

"Oh! Oh, well then, that's okay. I mean, eh, I told Buffy and Spike about the walls being thin and they said they'd try to keep it down."

"Oh, that's very helpful. What a sweet girl you are."

"It was nothing, Ms Peters, really. Oooh, these cookies look wonderful, thank you so much! I'll return your tupperware box tomorrow, if that's okay?"

[muffled] "SHAGGING! PENIS! FUCK-mmph."

"Yes, lovely, my dear. If you could return my tupperware box though? I'll be needing that back."

"YES, OF COURSE! I'LL DROP IT ROUND TOMORROW!"

"Oh, that's fine, dear, that's fine."

"WELL, I'D BETTER BE GOING THEN, MS PETERS!"

"Of course, dear. Thank you so much for going out of your way for a fussy old lady."

"IT'S FINE, REALLY-"

[muffled] "COCK! BALLS!"

[muffled] "ARRGGGHHHH!"

[CRASH]

[BANGBANGBANGBANG]

"Oh my, did you feel that? Times do change. We never used to get earthquakes in London when I was a girl."

"Oh god... I'LL JUST BE GOING THEN, MS PETERS! THANKS AGAIN!"

"Alright then, sweetheart. Don't forget the tupperware now!"

"I WON'T, I PROMISE! BYE THEN!"

"Goodbye, honey."

[door closes]

[muffled thumps]

"Arthur? Are you alright up there?"

"I'm fine, Ellie. What's all that racket?"

"What?"

"I said, what's all that racket!?"

"WHAT?"

"I SAID, WHAT'S ALL THAT RACKET!?"

[muffled] "OI! YOU WANNA KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE! YOUR YELLING'S INTERRUPTING OUR FOREPLAY!"

"Well? What happened, Will?"

"Spike yelled cock, shag and balls at a little old lady."

"Colour me surprised."