Death Note: the Abridged Series Chapter 4: Episode 4, a death note fanfic

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Let's all thank Tsugumi for not writing my name in the Death Note for forgetting about him for so long. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.

This week Death Note will have an opening theme. Well not really, since it's reading, but you can imagine the sound if you watch Adult Swim Sunday nights. Written by the most brutal band ever, Dethklok:

KillanyonewithDeathNote!

DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE!

I'm…writing…in…the…

DEATH NOTE! DEATH NOTE!

Ryuk the Shinigami, sorta like a ghost,

Tota Matsuda, dumb as a post,

L's last name is Lawliet, Lawliet, Lawliet,

Raye Penber's gonna die soon,

Yagami Light is Kiraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Episode the Fourth: Purses and Suits.

Ryuk: "Hey Light, you've had not one week but two to think about it what's your answer?"

Light: "Well I was going to say yes, but I reconsidered in the extra week given to me by the author."

Ryuk: "Seriously I would have had half your lifespan if this had been updated last week?"

Light: "Yup, funny ain't it."

Ryuk: "Damn that lazy Jaded Ninja, I coulda hit the jackpot with this kid's life!"

Light: "Besides I intend to be god, why the hell would I shorten my reign for your eyes, I'm clearly genius enough to outsmart L. Beating L will be as easy as beating an albino child who eats candy and plays with action figures. It's a shame though I might have traded for the wings. Flying would be fricking sweet."

Ryuk: "The Wings are 2/3rds of your life."

Light: "Holy Shit, I was kidding Ryuk. Any other body parts you Death Gods hawking that you want to tell me about?"

Ryuk: "I can trap someone's soul in my stomach, but you have to give me yours for that, also if I stab you in the chest with a sword you can become one of us. Umm let's see, my tears can cure cancer, those cost 5 years, and my fingers can be used in witch's potions."

Light: "You Death God's sell more body parts than an underground market in Latin America. I'm surprised you never wake up in an ice filled bathtub with your kidneys' missing."

Ryuk: "So Light, you got a plan then since you're smart enough to beat this guy without my eyes?"

Light: "Well according to your rules, I can write whatever I want as details of the death. Let's have some fun experimenting and see just how much I can do."

The Next Day

Soichiro answers the phone: "Hello…no I'm very happy with my insurance….am I covered in case of Head Asplosion….well no I don't think so….really I can get a free quote comparing your rates to the leading companies online….well who's got the lowest rates….no fooling it's you…..well alright then, yes you can sign me up for Nationwide…oh hold on I've got another call. Click. What Kira killed more people, actually can this wait, I'm sorta making an insurance deal right now….yeah kinda important, it's not like these are any different from before….what they are different…oh shit that is unique, yeah hold on I gotta right this down…okay so one of them cut off his own finger and then drew DaVinci's Last Supper in his own blood on the wall before his head blew up….another one left a suicide note written entirely in iambic pentameter, and a third escaped from prison only to have his head asplode inside a Friendly's two tables down from an 8 year old's birthday party….that sick bastard, I have to tell L this."

L's computer room

Watari, on the computer: "L, I have urgent news about the Kira case…wait are you still putting your laptop on the floor? What have I told you about doing that? You're gonna break it from the force of your footsteps. You think you'd learn from when it happened to your CD player, and your PS2, and even your SNES. How the hell did you manage that one? You can drop that thing off the roof and still play it if you blow on the cartridge, and yet you broke it. Buy a damn table, already L."

L: "Shut up you aren't my real daddy! My real father would let me put everything on the floor!"

L began having a tantrum and jumped up and down, causing his computer to break just as Watari predicted. L booted up his backup laptop and once Watari was back on the screen said: "Shut up."

L reviewed the data.

L: "Hmm, Kira can already decide which TV show the criminals will die during, perhaps he can control their pre-death actions as well. Chief, it's possible Kira is having fun messing with us."

Soichiro: "Do you want me to withhold the information from the media?"

L: "No, I have a better plan; tell everything to the National Enquirer, no one will believe them."

Light's room.

Light: Look Ryuk, the data's already in my father's computer, bask in the glory of my handiwork…." Light brought up the picture of the criminals blood drawn Last Supper. "….Talentless hack, he switched the location of Thomas and Philip…oh well still rather impressive. This Death Note is fairly fun. I sorta wish I'd picked a more entertaining MO than Head Asplosion, oh well at least I learned what I wanted."

Ryuk: "So what did you do?"

Light: "Well you see, the painting, the suicide note, and traumatization of a child all went down exactly as I wrote, however there were three more people that I deliberately gave impossible instructions. For one I wrote, dies in front of Enron headquarters. Everyone knows that Enron went bankrupt so his head merely asploded. For the second I wrote, draws an exact likeness of Joan River's face on the wall. Miss Rivers has had so much plastic surgery that no one knows what her true face looks like anymore, so that criminal's head just asploded. For the last one I told the criminal to write the location of Jimmy Hoffa's body. I thought this might work, but apparently you can't make someone write something they don't know. In other words, the Death Note is magic enough to kill someone, but not magic enough to do the impossible."

Ryuk, "That's all well and nice if you're having fun, Light, but what are you going to do with that knowledge?"

Light, "Flaunt my superiority over L with meaningless riddles to throw him off the scent."

Meanwhile L was trying to solve the meaningless puzzle Light had left him.

L: "Kira's planning something and if Scooby Doo taught me anything it's that he left me a secret message that will enable me and the gang to solve this mystery, isn't that right Matsuda?"

Matsuda: "You can't be serious."

L: "Do it or I'll shock you."

Matsuda: "Sigh, fine….Rehehehehe, Reah, Rystery."

L: "Have a Matsuda snack."

Matsuda: "I don't see any snacks."

L: "That's because I'm feeding you electricity."

L shocked Matsuda

L: "That never gets old."

Meanwhile Light was enacting his master plan to get rid of his FBI stalker.

Light: "I'll use this guy who was on the news. Got wasted and robbed a bunch of banks. Now to make some phone calls."

Ryuk: "Who are you calling?"

Light: "The skanks at my school of course, I may not look it Ryuk, but I'm a pimp."

Death NoteTM for Dummies

The person who uses Death NoteTM cannot go to Heaven or Hell, it's Purgatory for you, bitch!

Side effects of Death NoteTM include nausea, diaherrea, dry mouth, egomania, and loss of sleep. If you experience delusions of being a god, it may be the sign of a rare but serious allergic reaction. Consult your physician before using Death NoteTM. Women who are pregnant or could become pregnant should not use Death NoteTM.

Outside….That's right Light is going outside, will the sunlight burn his fair skin that sits in his dark room lit only by the luminescent glow of the computer? Read on to find out.

Light: "So it isn't a fangirl who's following me, it's a fanboy…that's even worse. Oh well I'll be rid of you soon enough."

Ho from school: "Light!"

Light doesn't acknowledge her, playing the moody, emo card that reels in all the chicks in anime.

Ryuk: "What are you planning?"

Light: "A date."

Ryuk: "But this isn't a date, I saw you write that druggie's name in the Death Note."

Light: "Shut up before you ruin a 'just as planned' moment, I haven't said it yet all episode…Dammit you made me waste the first one."

Ryuk: "Just as planned."

Light talked to the girl about the plan for the day meanwhile in the shadows…

Unknown FBI agent…okay ya know what I'm not typing that again, if you're reading this that means you've already seen this episode so let's not beat around the bush, Raye Penber, there I spoiled the whole rest of the episode. Raye Penber: Light's on a date with a girl? Well there goes the theory I've been building on him for the last week. I guess he is straight."

Light: "Just as planned."

Raye: "Now I will inconspicuously slip onto the bus, no one will notice a lone American on a bus of all Japanese people, nope that's not suspicious in any way."

On the bus.

Ho: "So Light I was surprised you asked me out, I thought you were well, you know…"

Light: "NO, I'm straight dammit! I have no clue why everyone thinks I'm gay."

Ho: "Oh, Pardon me."

No talking as light acoustic music plays over the scene. Let's listen.

The wheels on the bus go round and round

Round and Round, Round and Round

The wheels on the bus go round and round

All through the town.

Ryuk whips out Death Note, folk singer's head asplodes 40 seconds later. And that's the end of our musical break.

A creepy man who's looking for his next hit of smack gets on the bus. Moments after entering he takes the entire bus hostage.

Druggie: "I have a bomb strapped to my chest and if this buses' speed drops below 50 mph I'm going to blow this bus up, and everyone on board."

Old Woman: "Someone save us! Where is Bruce Willis when you need him?"

Light passed a note to his date

Don't worry I'll save us, I brought some of my sister's Ritalin and I'll offer it to him in exchange for our freedom.

Being the good stalker he was Raye read the note which Light made no obvious effort to hide.

Raye: "Don't, it's too dangerous, the Ritalin will just make him more edgy, now if you had Nyquil I'd say go for it, but if it comes down to it leave everything to me."

Light montonically replied as he had practiced: "And why would you help, what are you some member of the FBI?"

Raye: "Why yes I am."

Light: "You got proof?"

Raye: "Yeah, I got proof right here, I'm Officer STFUAndQuitAskingQuestions."

Druggie: "Hey watcha doing back there? Plotting against me?"

The Drug Addict walked to the back of the bus and snatched the note Light had.

Druggie: "You've got Ritalin and you're holding out on me, gimme, gimme, gimme! Ahhh what's that?"

The hijacker could now see Ryuk, the paper had been from the Death Note! After pleading for the Ritalin to make the monster go away he emptied his gun shooting at Ryuk. Fortunately for Light one of the shots knocked Raye Penber's badge from his pocket and it landed open on the floor. After stealing a quick glance at the name Light cowered in fear like the rest of the bus afraid of any more errant shots the Death Note might direct at him.

Light: "I should have known better than to trust the Death Note to fix a drug addicts shaky aim."

After emptying his clip, the hijacker ordered the bus to stop and jumped out afraid of what would happen now that he was weaponless. He was promptly run over by car. Light summed everything he wrote in the Death Note up.

Light: "Ooserada Kiichirou, flattened by a car 11:45. Holds the bus hostage, sees a monster, shoots wildly at monster, flees bus when out of bullets, immediately hit by a car, bleeds an unnatural anime amount of blood. Just as Planned. You're next Raye Penber, and I have just one question for you. Whatcha gonna do brother, when the Death Note runs wild on you?"

Authors Note: Sorry about the delay it took me an extra week to find the episode since it wasn't on Youtube. Currently I'm using Daily Motion, although if I recall correctly I had issues with that on my first run through as well. Next week is the big week folks, Light and his buddies have their adventures in full dubbed English. I actually saw a girl with a Death Note purse this week a college, I had to suppress the urge to yell "Sakujo" at her.

Halfnium, while I appreciate your fervor and humor, please refrain from using the terms "worship you" in reference to me. I know it was meant harmlessly, but unlike our good friend Light, I have no desire to ever be held in the same esteem as a god, even in jest.