Schrödinger's Coitus: Chapter 4: Cat's out of the bag

Luckily, Leonard was just leaving work and Sheldon wouldn't have to take the bus. Unluckily, Penny had already texted Leonard that Sheldon had sex with Amy and he botched it. Sheldon tried to maintain plausible deniability, but the cat was out of the bag. The car ride was uncomfortably silent at times and other time, it echoed with Leonard's barking voice asking banal questions like, "Really, Sheldon?" "Are you serious?" And the best one: "What were you thinking?" Silence was Sheldon's only friend until he returned to the apartment to find Penny seated in Leonard's beige chair.

"Sheldon Lee Cooper, what are you doing here? You should be with Amy making her feel better after you used her as a sperm bank without so much as a how ya do!" She couldn't fathom why he would be home. At least she could scream at him properly now, then head to Amy's.

Sheldon glared at Penny, " I didn't use Amy as a sperm bank! I used a condom… uh oh…."

"HA! I knew it! You did have sex!"

Leonard dropped the Chinese food on the table with a slam, "What were you thinking?"

Sheldon looked around like his mind was grasping for something, anything to get him out of this mess. He was blank. "I can't talk about it, so drop it." He slumped in his spot and put his hand on his head hoping for the silence again.

Penny was unabated, "You better spill the beans, mister! What happened?"

"I can't discuss it! I have a non-disclosure clause with Amy!"

Leonard sat back on the couch still amazed that Sheldon would actually have sex. He knew how to talk to Sheldon, better than anyone, except Amy of course. "Sheldon, what if we sign a non-disclosure agreement about the non-disclosure agreement? And you can talk about the act hypothetically?"

Sheldon head shot up with a snap. "That might work. " Sheldon opened his laptop and typed furiously for a few minutes. Penny wanted to say something, but Leonard motioned to her to stay quiet. Within 5 minutes, the printer was spitting out two pages which were quickly handed to Penny and Leonard.

Penny looked over the document, "Wait, I can't talk to Amy? That's not cool Sheldon! You can talk to Leonard! That's not fair!"

"If Amy wants to break our contractual obligation, then by all means. I am not going to say you may ask her about it, and she won't discuss it. Rock and hard place? Let Penny squeeze through." Sheldon crossed his arms and smugly smiled at Penny. She whispered 'Jerk' under her breath and continued reading.

Penny eyes went wide and she held the document close to her chest, "Wait, this is blackmail!"

"Well, you need an extra incentive to keep your mouth shut."

"What did he put in there, Penny?" Leonard agreement didn't have a blackmail section.

'Never mind, here…." Penny signed the document and handed it quickly to Sheldon before Leonard could ask anymore, she was already asking about the dalliance.

"Spill it, Romeo, what happened. Leave nothing out."

"Oh, god Penny, don't tell him that! Are you crazy?" Before any more objections, Sheldon started, "If two scientists, hypothetically, wanted to test their relationship, they might decide to engage in coitus, once. Only to see if the act would change their relationship… Hypothetically, speaking."

"Yes, yes Sheldon, get to the details. What did the two mystery scientists do, exactly?"

"Let's say, they.."

"Oh come on Sheldon, spill it!"

Sheldon went to the drawer and retrieved the experiment. It was easier to explain the experiment to Leonard than Penny. But he was less than supportive after he read the details.

"Plastic sheets? No touching? Or kissing? God, Sheldon, really?"

"OH god, poor Amy!" Penny yelled out.

"Poor Amy? How about me? My only solace was that is over within 1 minute 45 seconds. Ummm. Hypothetically…." Leonard rolled his eyes and Sheldon continued, " I was the one left here without so much as good bye or… " He wanted to say his obligatory good night kiss, but he stopped short, "or anything!"

Leonard had dealt with Sheldon's unique blend of bone-headed arrogance and complete clueless behavior before, but this topped it." Again, you say this was Amy's brilliant plan?"

"Yes, well no. I came up with the experiment after she said we couldn't determine if our relationship was successful without testing all the parameters… We have to know, Leonard."

Penny was fuming and she barked at Sheldon, "So, you truly thought the best course of action was to treat her first time with less compassion and tenderness as trip to the Gynecologist? Sheldon! That was the worst first time story I've ever heard! You didn't even kiss her? Wow! No wonder Amy 's balling like a baby!"

"It was an experiment! Hypothetically. And of course I didn't kiss her! Kissing isn't for some science project… It's special. It's…" Sheldon looked at Penny vacant expression. They could never understand that kissing was special to Sheldon. He feels different when he kisses Amy, and he had to maintain his clinical detachment. He promised Amy a science experiment and he would be taking advantage of her to kiss her during it. As much as he wanted to at the time. He was very proud he was able to keep things compartmentalized so well. "Anyway… It was all for science."

"Hypothetically, you're a cold bastard." Penny thought she needed a drink for this conversation and she was right.

"No, I'm a scientist."

"Doesn't mean you can't be a douche and a scientist. Listen Sheldon. Yes it was an experiment, but it was still sex! A joining of two people in an expression of love, not just act for you empty your man seed in her."

"Again, I hypothetically used a condom…"

"I heard, and gross okay! I didn't need a detailed account of your condom application practice. Just gross! And you showed Amy as much respect as a two dollar whore."

Sheldon stood up in alarm. His shift action and low booming voice amplified his anger, "How dare you infer I don't respect Amy! I respect her more than anyone I have ever met! I value her opinion on everything. I wrote the experiment based off one of her lab work ups. Everything I did was to respect her as scientist! I used plastic sheets, because I know she hates a mess, I kept the light off, so I wouldn't look at her eyes, seeing her disapproval if I did something wrong. It was everything I had not to look at her when I was done, but I wanted to respect her privacy. She said she was fine I believed her, I probably shouldn't have." Sheldon looked down with guilt, but quickly pointed his finger at Penny, "But don't you ever say I don't respect her!" Sheldon let out a snort and headed to the refrigerator for a bottle of water to wash down his anger. Penny looked at Leonard with rounded eyes, and he shook his head because he knew his friend didn't quite understand.

After he quelled his rage, Sheldon looked up from the refrigerator, "Well, the bad news is I have to do it all over again!" Sheldon swallowed, "Hypothetically."

Leonard and Penny looked at each other in horror, "Exsqueeze me? Again?"

"Yes, unfortunately, I found out that Amy did not achieve orgasm, so we need to the experiment over again. I am at a loss as to why…"

"Are you kidding me? You don't know why? You're lucky you still have a girlfriend after that performance. I mean wow. You really suck at coitus, Sheldon!"

Sheldon shot back quickly, "Well, It's not like I do every day like you two! I didn't know what I was doing! She's lucky I didn't go screaming in the night! It took a lot out of me to get up the courage to even do what I did! I barely touch myself when I shower, and I had to do… that!" Sheldon breathed through his nose rapidly. They really didn't know how much he had to prepare for the experiment. He was nervous all week. His stomach was doing flip flops every time he thought about their date. He could barely get the condom this first time he tried it because he was so flaccid. He was so worried that when the experiment happened, he wouldn't be able to perform. He could feel his throat tighten and his mouth was dry remembering it. He took a large swallow of water finishing the bottle as he remembered all he had done. He researched Aphrodisiacs in order to prepare for the experiment. Oysters were out of the question and other arousing delights turned his already sour stomach at the thought.

First he tried chocolate. Sheldon had read the Montezuma was said to ingest colossal amounts of coco beans to stimulate his sexual appetite. Sheldon ate brownies and it seemed to help, but not enough. Sheldon had also heard that thinking of trains going through tunnels could help a man get an erection. Sheldon would meditate and think of trains and train trips and the motion of the car. For some unknown reason, thinking of trains helped, he had no idea why. When he combined the two, chocolate and thinking of train, he was able to apply the condom.

Rarely had he had to worry about unwanted erections, but as the time for the date drew near, he would find himself with a hardening problem in his pants. He had the same problem on his trip this summer. Every time he would go to the dining car of his train, he would get an uncomfortable feeling in his pants. It was a strange and uncomfortable situation he more than once had to use Kolinhr to calm his excitement.

On Thursday, Sheldon didn't have the trouble of an erection he was so worried would happen. All the thoughts of trains and chocolate were for naught. He not only had an erection, but he was able to achieve an orgasm. Penny and Leonard were acting like having coitus was easy as walking. It wasn't easy for Sheldon, but he did it. He deserved some credit.

Penny looked at Leonard after Sheldon's outburst. He was right, it was incredible that Sheldon was able to have coitus at all. That's what initially shocked them. However, how he treated Amy could not be ignored nor could his arrogance on his performance. Given his arrogance on everything, it's wasn't surprising.

Penny finally said, "Mister… You are messing with forces that are beyond you ken. If you are going to do this again, you need to know some stuff."

Penny was trying to be nice and not mention a whore comment again, but it was difficult, "Sheldon, honey, look. I know it was difficult for you to have sex like that, but imagine how it was for Amy? She never had sex before either. For women, it's a big deal. It's a rite of passage more for a woman than a man." Sheldon was about to say something about that not being fair, but Leonard cut him off.

"It's not fair but it's true. When I guy has sex for the first time, he practically gets a parade. When a woman does… Well… I don't know.. Penny?"

Penny looked down, and almost cried. Her first time was awful. It was as bad or worse than Amy's. At least Amy still had her boyfriend afterwards. Penny's guy left her the next day for her best friend: Skanky Marlene McBetty, the corn cob queen runner up. Penny hated that bimbo.

"When a woman has sex for the first time, it means something more. Amy never should have suggested this experiment and if she knew better, she wouldn't have. But she's just as clueless as you, apparently. Now, she has deal with the fact that her first time had less romance than a trip to the free clinic. She is probably crushed with disappointment and hurt that you didn't care enough to offer one ounce of tenderness after she gave her virginity to you. It was a gift, Sheldon. Something special she had been saving forever and she choose to give it to you. Why, I have no clue."

Penny's words hit Sheldon like a slap, 'Why? Because we are in a relationship, Penny. It is stronger than anyone's we know! She …" Sheldon was going to say she loved him, but he stopped himself. She never said it to him, but he knew it. He was afraid of it, ran from it, ignored it, shunned it, but there was no denying he knew it.

"Well, Sheldon, I'm not so sure. If your relationship is so strong, why is she home crying and you are here defending your actions? Why don't you know what she was feeling after coitus? Why, oh all knowing one, do you not realize that having sex for one minute can't get a woman off?"

Sheldon sat back and thought about his answers, but he had none. "Well, I am not going to give up. Amy is coming over this weekend and we will see how she feels after this whole messy business is over and done. As soon as she has an orgasm during coitus, then the experiment is over. "

"Oh Amy, you lucky girl…" Penny held up her glass, "If your relationship can survive after last night's performance and your cold-hearted cluelessness, then you two really have the best relationship, Sheldon. Good luck!"

Penny left Leonard to talk to Sheldon about "Man things." Leonard was the king of foreplay, so maybe his innate bedroom skills could help his clueless friend. Penny didn't really care to hear the gory details, she had to get to Amy and get the real story, non-disclosure be damned.

Thankfully, Amy answered the door. She looked better and more rested, but her eyes showed worry, "Hello Penny, look I can't talk about.."

Penny cut her off before she could give any nonsense about disclosure or any such malarkey."Sheldon spilled the beans, I know it all." Penny walked in and sat on Amy's couch, tapping the cushion so her friend could tell her everything.

"That bastard." Amy knew Sheldon terrible at lying, but he insisted on the non-disclosure clause. "He couldn't keep his trap shut for two days!" Amy grabbed two glasses and poured wine while she steamed over Sheldon's weakness.

"In all fairness, he made us sign a non-disclosure agreement as well and it was in hypothetical mumbo jumbo. But I am talking to you, so Shelbot can suck it!"

"US? Who did he tell?"

"Just me and Leonard."

Amy slumped on the couch and put her head in her hands, "Oh God! "

"Screw him, listen to me Amy. How are you feeling, honey?"

"Physically, I'm fine. I took a long bath and rested all day, so I feel a lot better."

"I was worried about you. Are you sure?"

"Yes, it's not the physical issues that worries me. Although, that was a shock. I thought I knew what to expect. " Amy snorted, and half smiled. " Expectations… It's just I thought… I hoped… I'm …" Amy voice was still weak and staggered. She finally let out a breath , "I am just so soul crushing disappointed about our relationship. I just want to wash away the memory of that night because I want to have the chance again. I made a devil's bargain and lost. I should have known better, I'm better than this! I was just so shocked he was willing to do, I didn't say anything. I turned off my brain, never a good idea.

"I don't know how you even do that Amy, you're pretty smart. You thought it would work, how can it change when it's over in a minute."

"What bugs me is I didn't say what I wanted a head of time. I read the experiment, and it was clear, but I let hope get in the way. And then to think I wasted my first time on some science experiment? " Amy snorted a laugh, "I guess it's better than wasting it on Zack…"

"Oh, yeah. He is as bad at Sheldon, and he had lots of practice." Amy tried to force a smile, but it was hard to get her mouth up. "Oh, honey. I'm sorry. It's not your fault and you shouldn't feel stupid. Who knew that was how he would react. It was new to him as well. I think you can move past it. Look, if it makes you feel any better, I think Sheldon is really worried about you. He just doesn't know how to handle it. But, he isn't willing to give up."

"He wants to do it again." Amy let her confession out meekly.

"I heard. He says he not going to stop till you have an orgasm." Penny was a little worried by the whole confession, but was too curious to stop prying, "How do you feel about that, Ames?"

Amy took a deep breath. She really didn't know what to think. On one hand, she never wanted to experience that horrific emotional disappointment again. On the other hand, he said he wouldn't stop till he gave her an orgasm. It was hard to pass up, Sheldon could melt her with one look, one smile. But their relationship was too precious to her to mess with it anymore."I'm so conflicted Penny. Is it bad that I might want to try again?"

"Not at all. Listen to me… A woman's first time sucks, almost 100% of the time. Don't listen to those stupid romance novels and the like. It is messy, awkward and plain terrible. You're not the only one with a bad story." Penny didn't add that Amy's was the worst, but that wasn't the point, "The point is, the second time is better, and the third time, well.. then you start feeling something. I hate to say this, but if he is willing to try to give you an orgasm, than he better than half the guys out there."

"It's just an experiment to him, Penny. It means nothing."

"Well, I find it very interesting indeed that he wants to do it again. He could just say, sorry it didn't work. Or better, the experiment was set up wrong, so it's void or some science mumbo jumbo. But no. He wants to do it again. You know what means…" Penny raised her eyes at Amy whose blank expression couldn't process Penny hint. "Seriously, how can you not get this? He liked it, AMY! It obvious!"

Amy raised her hands up and shook her head, "There is no way he liked it, Penny. How could he? It was over in like a minute."

"Men like sex, no matter how long."

"Sheldon isn't like most men. If he was, he would watch porn or ogle other women. Hell, he's been living across from you for years, has he ever gave an indication he was interested? I see your blank expression and take that as a no. This is science to him, Penny. Nothing more. "

"Then get something out of it. If this is your only chance at coitus with Sheldon, then make sure you have the best coitus you can. Make him crawl on his knees! Make him squirm! Squeeze everything you can outta that selfish jerk, and leave him wanting more."

"Oh, Penny. We both know, wanted more is the last thing I will ever hear from Sheldon. Once this experiment is over, it's over. That's all. I need to face that reality. He really doesn't want me. He is just doing it to prove a point."

"Then drive that point home, honey. HARD!"