The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament

By

James Doyle

Championship Round

"This...is...The Dirty Dozens Teen Tournament," announced the announcer. "Now entering the studio are our championship finalists."

"A junior at Seaview High School in Malibu, California," introduced the announcer as the Latin young man strutted across the stage, looking sharp in his business suit. "Please welcome Rrrrrrico Suave."

"A senior at Cheevers High School in Boston, Mass," introduced the announcer as the confident African-American young woman made her entrance. "Please welcome Nia Moseby."

"And finally, a junior at Tribeca Prep in New York City, please welcome Alex Russo," introduced the announcer as the stunning Latina made her way to her podium.

"Ladies and gentlemen," concluded the announcer, "The host of The Dirty Dozens, Stu Dunfy!"

Stu greeted the audience with a salute as usual.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you all," began Stu. "And welcome to The Dirty Dozens Teen Torunament: Championship Round, where talkin' trash can get you cash, and you'll get money for school, if you can out-dis that fool. Let's hear it for our finalists!"

The audience cheered uproariously.

"That's right, ladies and gentlemen," continued Stu. "These kids have dissed and dismissed their competition, and are going head to head tonight for a $25,000 college scholarship. Before we begin, let's get to know our contestants a bit. We'll start with Rico. Rico what do you like to do?"

"Well, let's see," answered Rico. "I like to read, play soccer, and make butt-loads of money."

"Well, you'll definitely get a chance to do that," said Stu. "And what would you do with your scholarship if you win?"

"I'm planning on going to Harvard and studying Business," revealed Rico, eliciting cheers from the audience. "But my college education is paid for, so I'm donating the money to the Southern California Latino College Fund."

"My main man's playing for charity," said Stu. "Give him a hand!"

After the audience finished cheering, Stu moved on to Nia.

"So Nia, what do you like to do?" asked Stu.

"Well, Stu," answered Nia. "On those rare occasions when I'm not working, I like shopping, and cheerleading."

"Wow, I wouldn't have expected that," reacted Stu.

"What, you think 'cause I talk big, I ain't got class?" Nia said indignantly.

"No, no!" backpedaled Stu. "Certainly wouldn't want to imply that. Now tell me, if you win, what will you do with your college money?"

"If possible, I'd like to go to Carnegie Mellon University and study Mechanical Engineering," revealed Nia.

"My, oh my, this girl is just full of surprises!" said Stu, turning his face to the camera, then moving on to Alex.

"So Alex, what do you like to do?" asked Stu.

"Well, Stu," answered Alex. "I like to paint, play pranks, and poke things with a stick. Only one of those is a marketable job skill, which is why I'm competing for college money."

"And how would you use that college money?" asked Stu.

"Win or lose, I plan to attend the New York Institute of Art," revealed Alex.

"Look out, folks!" said Stu. "We've got the next Andy Warhol with us tonight! So how about we play the dozens?"

The audience and contestants cheered in the affirmative.

"All right," began Stu. "Tonight's categories are all wild cards, with a wide sampling from our dozens pool to test our finalists' mad skills. The categories are: 'Body', 'Hygiene', 'Lifestyle', and 'Brain'. Alex, you scored the most points in the last round, so you have the board."

"I'll go with 'Brain' for one hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"Yo mama so crazy..." prompted Stu. "Rico."

"Yo mama so crazy, she wears a chastity belt to keep Big Brother from looking up her butt-hole," dissed Rico.

"And Rico takes an early lead," declared Stu. "Give us another category, Rico."

"I'll take 'Hygiene' for a hundred," requested Rico.

"Yo mama so funky..." read Stu.

Nia rang in.

"Yeah, yo mama so funky, she scrubs with a jackhammer," insulted Nia.

"Nia ties it up," noted Stu. "Nia, you have control."

"I'll take 'Brain' for two hundred," requested Nia.

"Yo mama so stupid..."

Alex rang in. "Your mama's so stupid, she tried to snort Coca-Cola."

"Alex pulls out in front," commented Stu. "Take your pick, Alex."

"I'll take 'Hygiene' for two hundred, Stu," said Alex.

"Yo mama so stank..." prompted Stu. "Nia."

"Yo mama so stank, Samuel L. Jackson took a whiff of her and turned white!"

The audience cheered.

"Now that's some stank!" reacted Stu. "Nia, you have the lead and control of the board."

"Let me have 'Body' for a hundred, Stu," indicated Nia.

"New category," noted Stu. "Yo mama so stacked..."

Rico rang in. "Yo mama so stacked, her under-wire bra's got bridge support cables."

"Rico ties for second and has control of the board," observed Stu.

"I'll take 'Body' for two hundred," picked Rico.

"Yo mama so skinny..." read Stu. "Alex."

"Your mama's so skinny, she base-jump off the Statue of Liberty with a Kleenex for a parachute."

"And Alex takes the pole position," announced Stu. "Alex, let's have a category."

Alex pondered for a moment. She knew there wasn't much time left in the round. She hesitated to select a three hundred-point category, as it could give either of her opponents the win, and two hundred had a good chance of either giving Nia the win or sending her and Rico into sudden death. However, she reckoned she'd rather face him in sudden death than Nia. In the end, she decided to go for broke.

"I'll take 'Body' for three hundred, Stu," requested Alex.

"For three hundred points and the scholarship," prompted Stu. "Yo mama so fat."

Alex rang in immediately.

"Alex...need an answer."

"Um..." she answered. "Your mama's so fat, she had her colonoscopy done by the Hubble Telescope."

"And she takes the pot with a dis for the history books!" exclaimed Stu. "Ladies and gentlemen, our Dirty Dozens Teen Champion, Miss Alex Russo!"

The crowd applauded uproariously.

"Nia, Rico, sorry to see you go," regretted Stu. "We have some lovely parting gifts for you."

As soon as the fanfare died down, Stu turned his attention back to Alex.

"So Alex, how does it feel to be America's teen trash-talker par excellence?"

"Awesome," said Alex.

"Yes, I'm sure it is," said Stu. "Now before we send you off with your college money, we have a surprise for you."

"What kind of surprise?" squirmed Alex, sensing she wasn't going to like it.

"Ladies and gentlemen," introduced Stu. "Please welcome our very special guest, the very first Dirty Dozens Teen Champion, Miss Kimmy Gibbler."

The crowd stood up and filled the studio with deafening applause as the slender brunette with a smug grin walked out onto the stage, waving like Miss America. Stu greeted her with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Good to see you again, Kimmy," greeted Stu.

"You too, Stu," reciprocated Kimmy.

"Ladies and gentlemen," elaborated Stu. "Kimmy was our teen champion three years running, our college champion twice, and the runner-up in our all-time champion face-off. She earned her masters degree in journalism, paying her way through school exclusively with money she won playing the dozens. Kimmy, tell Alex what that means for her."

"You get a chance to step up to me," said Kimmy with a good deal of bravado.

"That's right," confirmed Stu. "Now, you can take your $25,000 scholarship and go home now, or, if you can defeat our reigning champion, we'll double your money. So how about it, Alex?"

Alex pondered as the crowd egged her on.

You know what, Alex thought to herself, I don't care who this chick thinks she is. She doesn't scare me.

"Let's do this!" challenged Alex.

"Word up!" approved Stu. "Now, the format for our face-off is 'Call It and Dis It.' That means one contender calls the category, and her opponent delivers the dozen. Sixty seconds on the clock; whoever gets the last word wins."

Kimmy and Alex took their positions, standing face to face, mere inches apart.

"Ready...set..." said Stu, his voice in slow motion, gradually speeding up until the final signal. "Dis!"

"Butt!" called Kimmie.

"Your mama's such a tight-ass, I shoved silver dollar up her [expletive] and got four quarters back. Hair!"

"Yo mama so bald, I saw the glare from her scalp and thought I'd gone to heaven. Stupid!"

"Your mama's so stupid, she asked a serial killer where she get a good bargain on Cap'n Crunch. Poor!"

"Yo mama's so poor, she can't even pay her respects for the dead. Flatulent!"

"Your mama's so gassy, she farted on the Eternal Flame and took out Virginia and both the Carolinas. Teeth!"

"Yo mama's teeth so yellow, look like she been chewing on Big Bird. Ugly!"

Just then, both women noticed that the countdown had begun, and Alex got her final dis in just in the nick of time.

"Your mama's so ugly, she kissed the third rail and it went dead!"

Just then the buzzer rang.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" exclaimed Stu amidst the applause. "Alex has taken our grand champion to school, and now has fifty grand to go to school!"

"Congratulations," Kimmy said sportingly, shaking Alex's hand.

"So Alex, now that you're our undisputed teen champion, why don't you send us off?" offered Stu.

"Glad to," said Alex. "Join us tomorrow night as our runners-up compete for a $10,000 second prize, here on The Dirty Dozens, where we talk the [expletive], and we just don't quit! Good night, everybody!"

End of Championship Round

Kimmy Gibbler was a recurring guest, and later a regular character, on the ABC comedy series Full House, played by Andrea Barber. I chose her for this story because of her reputation for being rude.

A few more surprises left in our runners-up round! Stay tuned!