Sam had been feeling empty for a long time. He didn't remember when it started but he didn't feel right. Dean would just brush it off and Cas wouldn't even look at him when he brought it up. The way they acted made him feel like there was something more to what he was feeling than they let on but neither would talk about it.
Sam's drinking habits had gotten worse since Balthazar left but neither Dean nor Cas could say anything. They knew he was trying to fill a void he didn't know used to be full and had nothing to offer in replacement. Dean tried to keep them busy on case after case but they were all growing tired and needed a break. As they drove to Bobby's house Sam slept in the back seat. Cas popped into the car next to Dean with a look on his face.
"Balthazar isn't doing well. He knows that something went wrong and Sam is lost. He's lost as well. When he was assigned to fight among the ranks he went rouge and killed and entire battalion of invaders all on his own. His actions are wearing him down. When he looks down upon Sam she sees the pain Sam is in and he hates that Sam is being so reckless. I've never seen an angel look ragged and exhausted but that's what he is. By throwing himself into work he's trying to forget but for some reason the powers above won't let him. They want his anger for the situation to fuel his rage and make him the greatest weapon they have. But I believe it to be backfiring because he's going to fall. His anger is too strong, his pain too deep," Cas said concerned looking back at Sam.
"I know what you mean. Sam's practically a walking liquor store. I've never seen him drink so much so frequently. I think he's sleeping around too. I haven't seen it but he'll come home from a bar all disheveled and stinking. He doesn't know what he's lost but he knows something isn't there and I'm afraid it's going to kill him. Heaven needs to step in and do something because of Balthazar falls and Sam dies we're all screwed," Dean said concern dripping from his words.
"I've tried talking to the powers above but they won't listen. They think everything is fine. That the loss between the two of them is enough to save us all. I've asked them to look to the future, see that they need each other. It's a losing battle though. They won't admit they've made a mistake and fix it," Cas added.
Sam stirred in the backseat but didn't wake up. He was trapped in a dream chasing after a glowing figure. As he ran it kept getting farther and farther away until Sam was left in the dark trying to find a way out. When Dean shook him awake he got out of the car and grabbed his bag before heading into the house. After unpacking he raided the liquor until he passed out. Bobby helped Dean pour him into bed.
"He's going to kill himself," Bobby sighed heavily.
It was tough watching Sam wreak havoc on his body because his heart yearned for something his brain wouldn't all him to remember. Having to deal with the loss of his wife was hard the two times he had to but he got the closure he needed to get over it. Sam wasn't aware of what he was mourning so there was no way for him to cope.
"I don't know what to do with him Bobby. I'm at a complete loss. He hunts like I've never seen before, he's so vicious now. It's worse than when he was soulless. Maybe he wants something to hurt worse than he does or something but it's downright scary. Then when we're done he goes out and drinks like it's oxygen. When he comes back he's drunker than hell and just passes out. Most of the time he doesn't even make it to his bed," Dean sighed.
"Well at least you can get him into the hotel room," Bobby sighed.
"I don't go with him Bobby, he won't let me," Dean said.
"Then how does he get back. If he's too drunk to make it to the bed I doubt he's stumbling around town coherent enough to make it back to the room," Bobby said with a questioning glance.
"Cas," Dean called.
Not even a second later Cas popped into the room. He looked between Dean and Bobby taking notice of their curious looks.
"Are you watching over Sam on his little escapades?" Dean questioned.
"No I can't, my abilities only work with you," the angel answered.
"Then how is he getting back? From the sounds of it he'd be lucky to make it out of the bar on his own," Bobby questioned.
It didn't take long for all of them to come to the same conclusion. Balthazar had to be breaking the rules and helping Sam out. How else would Sam be able to get back safe and sound? It also explained why he was so angry up in heaven. Seeing the affects his disappearance has on Sam first hand had to be taking a major toll on him. Maybe if Sam realized he had a knight in shining armor, of sorts, there to save his drunken ass from death he did it on purpose. If being that drunk is the only way to see Balthazar he would do it every night.
"Balthazar!" Dean called, "Pleas come here. We need you. I know you're not supposed to help but you're the only one who can."
The flutter of wings was heard. When they turned they saw the most disturbing sight they could have imagined. Balthazar stood before them in ragged looking clothing that might have once been his usual designer wear. Hatred oozed out of every pore making an almost visible veil surrounding him. But his ice blue eyes were devoid of all emotion. Standing before them was a broken shell of a being.
"I'm not a puppy darling so make this quick!" Balthazar almost snarled.
"Are you keeping an eye on Sam?" Dean asked.
Balthazar's stance faltered for a moment. His eyes flared in anger at the mention of Sam's name. Nevertheless they knew the answer just from the moment's hesitation. It was a rhetorical question anyways. No one else had the investment that the four of them did.
"You expect me to put my life on the line for some pathetic human? Why would I risk my life for one of you? Sorry boys but I'm not on team free will anymore. My mission is to defend the heavens not you earthly slugs. If Sasquatch wants to piss away his gift of life drinking himself into oblivion then that's on him. I stuck my neck out once and it got me nothing," Balthazar said angrily.
They watched as the angel tried to hide his pain from them. His shoulders slumped and his entire demeanor seemed to crumble under the weight of his words but he kept up enough of the charade to make them wonder how much was truth. A stirring from the doorway caught their attention. Balthazar almost went to the human but stood his ground. They could all see how hard he fought with himself to stay put.
"Who is this?" Sam asked swaying a bit on his feet.
Before anyone could answer, Balthazar was gone. Dean could have sworn the angel growled before taking off but he wasn't certain. Seeing Sam like that crushed Dean on the inside but realization hit him. Sam was fueling Balthazar's anger making him the warrior heaven wanted. That's why no one stepped in to stop it. The whole plan was to have Balthazar destroy all the adversaries even if it cost Sam his life, which it wouldn't because whoever would keep him alive until Balthazar wasn't needed any longer. Sam was expendable and that was why Balthazar was so angry and broken.
"An angel?" Sam asked.
Something seemed to be different in his words. A softer tone and maybe something just a little painful hidden under his casual words. No one knew what to say or do. They were all at a loss. Sam's body seemed to have a visceral reaction to Balthazar, almost pulling the two of them together but it was subtle. Dean angrily storms from the room leaving Sam confused and Cas looking after him almost heartbrokenly. Bobby sighed and watched Sam pick up a bottle of whiskey. There was no point in taking it away, Sam's body was trying to cope with a loss he couldn't even remember.
Dean was in the junk yard tearing out parts of an old car to fix up an even older car. Cas appeared behind him but let the hunter angrily destroy as much as he could before his body gave out. When Dean's legs collapsed Cas was there to catch him and hold him as he gasped for air. They sat together for a long time.
"They're using Sam to make him angry and he knows it. That's why Balthazar is so angry. Because Sam is killing himself to forget something he can remember so he will do his job. I wouldn't be surprised if he threw himself out of the heavens at this point," Dean said angrily.
"I have an idea," Cas said before disappearing.
Sam stumbled out of the house and headed towards the woods. His mind was hazy as he made his way from the house. Everyone was watching too closely when all he wanted was to be alone. His chest ached for something he couldn't find and the only way to make it better was to drink. Alcohol numbed everything and brought him relief that not even hunting had given him lately. His foot slipped out from underneath him sending him crashing to the ground. All his strength was gone so Sam laid there while he finished the bottle.
"Sam you have to stop this," an accented voice said.
Sam opened his eyes and saw a hazy figure standing over him. His eyes wouldn't focus so he couldn't see who it was but he felt in his bones that the person was exactly who he needed. The angel that had been in the house. Sam attempted to sit up a few times before he actually made it. The drunken stupor he was in made everything spin around him. The woods and ground became one object consuming him.
"How do you know me?" Sam asked.
The man laughed but didn't answer him. Sam sat up again and tried to get to his feet. The man reached out to help him up. A spark of light flashed through Sam causing his heart to swell. Moments later the feeling was replaced by nothing but loss and sorrow. He let go of the hand so quickly he almost fell again.
"If I could give you the answers you wanted I would, love, but I can't. We aren't supposed to be here but I can't abandon you," he said.
Sam fought with the alcohol trying to gain control of his body. He wanted to see and remember this person. The things he felt made him feel whole, human again. If he could hold on to that forever he knew he would but a sinking feeling in his stomach made him lunge forward. The man caught Sam easily before lowering them both to the ground. Sam was once again filled to the brim with everything he didn't know he was missing out on.
"Don't leave me. Please just stay with me forever," Sam pleaded drunkenly.
"If I could I would, love, but there are things more powerful than either of us in control of this situation," he spoke softly.
"I love you," Sam breathed before passing out.
Balthazar sighed before teleporting Sam back to his bedroom. He knew that the others knew he had helped Sam but that didn't mean he was going to admit it. Last time he rebelled and put himself out there he had been killed. It didn't take a genius to see he wasn't going to get another chance. If they wanted him to be happy and in love then he would have been by Sam's side instead of fueling his binge drinking habits.
"You should be felled!" the voice boomed.
Balthazar almost flinched at the strength of the voice. Instead he stood and squared off with the newcomer.
"Then do it," Balthazar said.
"You won't end on earth!" he seethed.
"Doesn't matter," Balthazar challenged.
"You would let your life end over this human?" he asked seeming confused.
"What is life if I can't spend it enjoying the sinful desired of human flesh?" Balthazar retorted.
"You are an angel, Balthazar. You shouldn't desire to sin!"
"Then stop me. You created us to with free will and you demand others to take it from me. Take it yourself if you want it but I will not hand it over freely," Balthazar said calmly.
"I am your father and without me you would not exist. I ask you to defend your home from those trying to destroy it and you defy me. What good are you to me if you cannot do the job you were created for? Yes I created free will and have given all my creations that gift but without the laws we would all succumb to darkness," he said.
"I've defended my home for millenniums without falter. My job has been done a thousand times over. We still have a heaven because my brothers and I willingly fight to protect it. When it was commanded I help the humans I went without question even through my rebellion and upon my return to life I did as I was told. I do not feel much because the ability had been taken from me. What is left makes me barely alive. Do you know what you've left me with? Loyalty and hatred, so I feel them freely, a loyalty to the human who loves so deeply but pains too much because he can't understand why it hurts, and a hatred of knowing I did it to him. But I do my job because my life depends on it. While you take from me I give willingly so don't stand in front of me telling me what my job is. Because even though I rebelled from you I have always remained nothing but loyal and compliant!" the angel seethed.
The being paused to take in the words Balthazar spoke. Anger was tearing through Balthazar as he stood in front of the angel responsible for his creation. The other angel wore a smirk seemingly pleased with Balthazar's reactions.
"Only the father can give and take as freely as you accuse of me. If you want to love the human then love him. No one was ever standing in your way," he other spoke.
Balthazar was angry enough to kill. If the elder angel hadn't vanished there would have been a fight. Taking a few deep breaths, Balthazar calmed himself down enough to pop himself back into heaven.