Author's Notes: Written with the help of, and despite frustrations caused by, Pandora radio, as spring break finds me removed from my computer and thus my normal reading music. Can anyone tell that Mercale wrote this late at night and possibly while missing her significant other? Oh well, at the mood suited what I wanted to do right now in the story anyway.

Amazing how the story can get updates when the block is gone and I've been reminded that there should be updates.

Memoriam: Chapter 3

He was beautiful. Not that he had ever been otherwise, but seeing him with longer hair, with those clothes, and most importantly, with those well earned burns, was truly beautiful. Already he could imagine running his fingers through the longer hair, laughing at the look of horror and frustration that would no doubt grace those features.

Maybe it was the strength that Nida was now carrying himself with. In the past, he was used to Nida only faking that strength, that composure, all while looking over his shoulders. But now it was really there. And now, more than ever, he wanted to break that spirit, once and for all. This time, though, he wouldn't repeat the last mistake. No giving Nida a chance to find some strength. Hitting fast, hitting hard, that was the real choice.

And this time, no toying with the side kicks.

Rei hardly had the time for them.

------

"Do you have any fucking clue what time it is?"

Despite the sheer amount of fatigue in the voice, as if the other man had just been woken up at three in the morning, Squall didn't believe the annoyance on the other end. In fact, despite the fact that it couldn't be seen, he rolled his eyes.

"Here, or there?"

"What? Who is this?"

"Does six in the morning really mean you don't recognize my voice? Great to know you care so much, Almasy."

"Squall? What the fuck? Why are you calling this fucking early?"

"Just to fuck with your sleep." Not completely true, but true enough, and said with enough of an edge to imply that he wasn't happy with the detective. Not that he ever really was.

"Well thanks. I just got in an hour ago. I thought I've asked you not to bug me before noon."

"I just got in an hour ago too, so shove it."

"But you weren't dealing with body parts."

True enough. Though he'd had a dead body on his own hands, so to speak.

"No. My encounter with the dead involved a fully intact body."

That seemed to shake the sleep fully from the detective, who, from the sounds on the other line, had fallen out of his bed. There was an annoyed mumble in the background, and Squall almost hit himself for not thinking that maybe his sister would be spending the night with the detective. Not that he approved of the relationship in the slightest, but right now he really didn't need Ellone overhearing the conversation. Squall honestly doubted that anyone other than Seifer knew that Nida wasn't really dead.

Hell, he doubted even the government knew it. Somehow he didn't think Nida was in a witness protection program or something. Not that he was sure, but that didn't feel like what was going on. After all, him being sent back to his home town wasn't very likely.

"What the fuck is that Irvine involved in over there? What happened? I've got some friends out on the west coast these days..."

"Apparently we both do. Mine was the body."

Part of Squall actually wanted to laugh at the silence on the line. He could imagine how the homicide detective was taking this whole thing, not that any of it would be right. Seifer couldn't know Nida was here, after all, or he never would have approved of Squall's travel. Squall wouldn't have listened of course, but Seifer would have been vocal about disapproval, rather than actively encouraging Squall to get out of town for a while.

"Squall, explain this to me, step by step. Who is dead? What happened?"

"It's more of a question of who isn't dead. Or at least I'm mostly sure he isn't dead. Tell me, Seifer, do dead people bruise when you punch them?"\

"What? It depends really. Post mortem bruising is possible very shortly after death, and there is bruising if the body is in a position for a long time, from blood settling. But punching... Not really."

"Interesting. I'll have to tell Nida it is very unlikely that he should get a bruise from the punch then."

Again silence. In fact, silence for long enough that Nida began to think that he might have lost the signal, and was about to check when Seifer spoke up once more.

"Squall, Nida is dead. We buried him, even if you refuse to come to the grave. So either you had a really bad dream, or you really owe someone an apology for mistaking them for a dead man."

"You're speed dial number three on his phone," Squall countered, "not that I think he's ever used it. Not to mention he saw you at the cemetery the other day. So stop fucking acting clueless, Seifer."

There was a sigh from Seifer, and Squall held back the urge to scream into the phone, to demand answers. If he did that, he'd wake up Irvine or Zell upstairs, snug in their beds and completely clueless as to what had taken place today.

"So he went back home. I suppose I should have thought of that years ago. I honestly had no clue where he went after the explosion, despite trying to find him. He was surprisingly good at covering his tracks, considering his past attempts to escape were always so flawed."

"Yeah, well back then he'd still been trying to find a normal life, which is hard enough when you can't have your records follow you."

"I suppose. Listen, Squall, you weren't..."

"Supposed to know. Yeah, I more than figured that out. For my protection. He said so."

"You spoke with him?"

"Of course."

Squall didn't point out the fact that he'd fled first. That sort of thing would only serve as ammo for Seifer, maybe not now, but soon enough. That bastard always found ways to bring the past back to bite Squall, or to ruin the good thing Squall had going. After all, he'd let Squall believe for all of this time that Nida wasn't... No, Squall still couldn't believe the best of Nida, despite the words of the man insisting that it had all been for Squall's sake. All to protect him.

"Stupid bastard shouldn't have fucking let you. Should have faked not knowing you, being really offended. Stupid fuck."

"Just as stupid as you claiming he was dead, for my sake."

"And to keep that bastard Rei off balance."

"He's a fucking serial killer, off balance is par for the course!"

"Granted. But you know what I meant."

"Whatever."

"So, did you only call to yell at me, or what?"

To be honest, he wasn't sure. Yes, there was some pleasure to be had a breaking the secret wide open, or as open as was safe. Sure he didn't mind fucking with Seifer's sleep with how bad this whole thing had been fucking him up for these last few years. But honestly, he didn't know. Yelling did nothing for him. Talking to Seifer would accomplish nothing. In the end Squall would still go back to New York soon, and be forced to hate, no, to pretend to hate Nida, and throw that entire part of his life away.

Maybe all he wanted was reassurance that he didn't need to forgive Nida, that he was the bad guy in all of this. Or for Seifer to swear that he'd come there right now and arrest Nida, no matter how ridiculous that desire was.

No. What he wanted was the last four years back. Four years and a week. He wanted Nida back, on that quiet night where they exchanged presents and Nida promised to call. The last time he had seen the man that he'd been sure was his lover.

"I don't know, Seifer. I just don't know."

------

Carefully Nida slipped out from under the long arm of Kiros, hoping not to wake the man from his well earned sleep. Tonight, he thought as he stood and pulled on a nearby robe, he couldn't rest there and feel safe in the arms of the other man. The safety was as real now as it had ever been, a thin delusion of safety bought through a spoken contact, and to be paid for in ways Nida did not yet know when the contract was completed. The only real reason Kiros had to protect him was because, in the end, Nida owed too high a price for Kiros to risk losing him just yet. And safety was the only illusion Nida could give himself in those arms. Never once did he think there was anything more than a contract and pleasure.

After Rei, he'd never been the sort to delude himself about love.

With the robe wrapped tightly around him, Nida went to sit on the sill of the bay window in the main room of the tiny apartment he shared with Kiros and the extra stock above the shop. While it wasn't cold in the apartment, far from it, Nida was still thankful for the little extra warmth the robe offered him as he looked out on the deceptively quiet view of the city.

Nida had never really liked California. It was a place filled with bad memories. His parents were there less, people hadn't liked him when he first came to the US, and then there had been Rei. Escaping this place had been a focus for a long time, until at last the combination of fear from Rei, and an offer from relatives had taken him to Chicago. And now here he was once more, of his own free will, and Nida still wasn't completely sure why that was.

Part of it was because this was where he had heard Kiros, better known in parts of the underworld as the Shadow Cat, had been hiding. The title had come up more often then any others during Nida's first few months of traveling across the country, seeking a way to be rid of Rei once and for all. It had come up in shady bars, among the men who he went to for IDs and ways to access his money despite being 'dead.' Among those shadow men he'd asked for recommendations for someone to help with his sort of problem, though never being exact, and eventually rumors had led him home.

California had not been the same, Nida learned soon after arriving. The place felt colder somehow, foreign in ways Nida could never understand. He'd hoped to find the cliché-ly named Shadow Cat as soon as possible and get out. When members of the local less than reputable population had led Nida to the man, he'd thought that he'd been fooled. Kiros had been teaching at a small dojo, seemingly barely scrapping by, and seeming too dignified for the sort of work that Nida wanted done. For a week Nida had watched, growing more and more sure that he'd been led wrong, before he'd found himself face to face with the man one day while leaving his hotel room. Kiros had, apparently, been standing outside waiting.

"Negative three on stalking. Nine on patience," the man had said, leaning casually against the wall opposite Nida's door. "But smart enough to cover your tracks well enough getting here. If I didn't have regular feelers out, I wouldn't have noticed you were looking for me until you chose to start following me. Of course, had I not known you'd be in town eventually, I might have had you arrested for the stalking bit."

Three cups of coffee and one really good coffee cake later, the deal was sealed, so to speak, and Kiros was demanding every detail Nida could provide about Rei, the case history, and anything else that could be useful for Kiros. A week later had found Kiros suggesting, to Nida's worry, a long term operation, price to be determined later, and for the whole thing to be centered here. To take out Rei, Kiros said, they would have to play the long game. Rei would know Nida wasn't dead, and he'd search. They'd quickly cover up everything they could through Kiros's contacts, and slowly lure Rei with false information, keeping him moving slowly, but still too much, over the country to let him get comfortable enough to get into too much of a routine.

So far as Nida could tell, it had worked. There were no more deaths by the old ways, but Kiros said that Rei was the sort to change. Still, Nida could hope that the constantly winding trail they had laid would have spared some people while Kiros did everything he could to prepare things to perfection for when they would make the move. And all the while the price had been rising.

That wouldn't have been so bad, really, if it hadn't been for today, if he hadn't seen Squall.

Nida sighed and ran his fingertips over the burned skin, following the burns as far as he could down the back of his neck. He'd been lucky really, to actually escape with his life, and to be in such good shape really. Seifer's group had gotten there quickly after the blast. Not quick enough to get Rei, but fast enough to free Nida from the fallen and burning beam with only second degree burns. Fast enough that he'd only needed a few weeks in the hospital to stabilize before he convinced Seifer that if he was going to let Nida go, that it had to be soon. Three weeks, still unhealed, Nida had been 'moved' for witness protection, and started his cross country jaunts, stopping in often with less than legal 'doctors' to deal with the burns on top of everything else.

And now all of that sacrifice, all of the pain, seemed distant, like a fever dream. All it had taken was a single moment to look at Squall, those few seconds needed to say, in person, that what he had done had a purpose.

"But shouldn't seeing him strengthen my resolve?"

It was a pointless question, asked of an empty room. He knew the answer already, and it was a resounding and shocking no. All that seeing Squall did was make him want to hold the younger man, to kiss him and apologize for everything. For Rei, for the lies, for the pain he was sure he caused, both way back then and right now.

Nida pulled the robe closer, shivering into the thin layer between him and the sill, and moved to lean his head against the cool glass. Squall hadn't looked good at all. Physically he didn't seem worse for the years, but there was something in the attitude that hurt. The coldness in the eyes, the stiffness in his stance, and the distance that Squall seemed to keep, even from his new boyfriend, were, in Nida's eyes, uncharacteristic of the younger man. The man Nida had known had always been so alive, so content. Now he seemed bitter. Part of it had to be from Nida's presence, from the lies, but it still hurt to see.

If there was one thing today had shown Nida, though, it was that he couldn't go back. He'd known the price the second he'd set out for the warehouse that night, or at least what the price would be for failure. And fail he had.

He'd have to live with it though. With that and all of the prices.

"Come back to bed."

Nida would have jumped if he hadn't grown used to Kiros sneaking up on him over the years. Amazing how three plus years could make you used to anything, even a contract killer.

"You look cold there, so come back to bed."

"Cold?" Nida resisted the urge to chuckle. "I look cold, in the middle of summer in LA? You're kidding, right?"

Kiros shook his head and moved to stand by Nida, holding out a hand to help him from the sill. "You always look cold here. Odd when New York is far colder than this."

Now Nida couldn't help but chuckle, though it was a little bitter. "I suppose it really depended where in New York you were."

"It always does," Kiros agreed. "Now come back to bed. Let's see if there at least you can find some warmth."

"I don't think I'll ever understand you Kiros, much less why you are so kind to me when I owe you so much."

"I work in mysterious ways," the man teased, leading Nida back towards the bedroom.

------

Irvine sighed as he stood for a moment, looking down at his lover curled up on Zell's couch, his head just barely perched on a small pillow, and his arm trailing over edge, barely touching the floor by his cellphone. The man picked up the phone, placed it on the coffee table, and went to a hall closet to get a thin sheet to throw over Squall. No matter the temperature, Irvine had found, Squall preferred something draped over him when he slept, as if whatever cloth there was acted as a weight to hold him in bed. So, as he always did when he found Squall passed out somewhere odd, Irvine gently lowered the sheet onto Squall and carefully worked the pillow a bit further under his head.

With a small smile, and a yawn to remind him just how tired he'd been when he'd woken to find his lover missing, Irvine retreated towards the guest room Zell was putting them up in. He'd tease Squall for the disappearance in the morning rather than steal his sleep now.