So, here's another chapter =3 Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last one, I really am glad you like the story!
Oh, and don't worry, the paaring ist KaixTala and it won't change. Tala's not going to die, either :) And no, no kissing between Kai and Tyson *laughs* I do like TyKa Fics but this isn't going to be one.
No! Don't stop typing! XD Long reviews are great. That's what I think, anyway. You can put anything you like into the review - questions, criticism, praise and everything else you can think of. I'm always happy and thankful for honest opinions.
Well, here's the next chapter - read, enjoy and review :)
Chapter 3
"All That I'm Living For"
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
I can feel the night beginning.
Separate me from the living.
Understanding me,
After all I've seen.
Piecing every thought together,
Find the words to make me better.
If I only knew how to pull myself apart.
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,
To be the one.
I could have run forever,
But how far would I have come
Without mourning your love?
All that I'm living for,
All that I'm dying for,
All that I can't ignore alone at night.
All that I'm wanted for,
Although I wanted more.
Lock the last open door, my ghosts are gaining on me.
Should it hurt to love you?
Should I feel like I do?
Should I lock the last open door,
My ghosts are gaining on me.
Leaves. He was counting leaves. One leaf, two leaves, three leaves... A yellow one, a red one, a green one. Countless leaves which were being picked off the trees by the constantly colder growing autumn wind, laid out into a multi-coloured carpet on the streets and avenues. The sky was grey, clouds obscured the sunrays from reaching the earth and immersed everything into something suppressing, dark, cold.
Maybe it was just his mood that made everything seem so dismal. That was why he counted leaves. Just minutes before he had been plagued by thoughts, dark thoughts, painful thoughts. He had been standing by this window in his hotel room for hours, staring at the falling leaves. But still the pictures of the battle between Tala and Tyson were replaying mercilessly in his head, over and over and over. To distance himself from them he shook his head, but the pictures crept up again, like little pests, even livelier than before.
"Прости меня..." (Forgive me.)
Kai didn't understand. Why had he asked for forgiveness? He would pose that question to him, but...
Shit. He squeezed his eyes shut, up to the point of pain, when they started to sting treacherously. He had been strong so many times. At the worst moments, he always managed to stay the cool, unaffected Kai, admired by so many for that skill. But now... Now he began to comprehend how damn important Tala was to him. How much he had meant to him, and still did. Actually... Tala was the only one who had ever meant something to him. The only piece of trust and family he had left. He had managed to suppress, almost forget that but it came back, so sudden and crushing that it nearly squashed him. The whole bundle of emotions he had kept under lock and key had broken out and now those feelings strayed inside him aimlessly. Tala...
He forced himself to avert his gaze from the window and turn around. His friend lay on the bed, thoughtfully covered up. He was pale, but he was alive. Barely. After he'd collapsed, Kai had ministered to him. He knew no one else would care about Tala. Neither his team nor Voltaire. He didn't have any family, no one. Except Kai...
This thought pierced like a knife through the heart of the silver-blue-haired teen. He closed his eyes, trying to steady himself. His breathing quivered as he fought against the despair and powerlessness. He would give anything if he only could help Tala somehow. Take his pain away. Erase his sadness. But everything that he could really do was to wait. Wait and hope... He hated both. Helplessness had been his greatest enemy for years, he always wanted to be in control of situations, always wanted to have a solution for everything, always wanted to be able to cope with anything. It had worked – up until now.
Taking hesitant steps, he approached the bed and sunk down into the armchair which stood nearby. He placed his elbows onto his knees, resting his chin on his folded hands and directed his gaze to the redhead's face that seemed to be made out of marble – pale and perfect. But just this perfection was what was disturbing him; the lack of any emotion on the older boy's features. As if he were...
No! He closed his eyes, enraged, trying to chase that one thought away. Tala would wake up. For sure. Hope... Tala had hated it, to hope. A bitter smile curled Kai's lips. The other lived on the precept of a maverick, he trusted no one and didn't expect anyone to trust him. He never asked for help and never hoped for something. He let no one close. Except Kai.
Why hadn't he noticed earlier? Why had he never realized that he had been the only exception in Tala's life? Was he still? Was it why Tala had asked his forgiveness? The Wolf never asked anyone for anything. Except... Kai...
Except... except... except... me... except me... except me... except me... exceptmeexceptme... It hammered in his head, kicking out all other thoughts, writing itself in red letters before his inner eyes. Except me...
I'm a fucking idiot. A brainless dimwit... He lowered his head and tears started to well up underneath the trembling eyelids, crystal-clear, salty, bitter tears. Tears of rage, tears of regret, tears of guilt. Anger over the own, stubborn blindness. Ten years it were...
"You know, Kai, someday I will be free. Then no one will be telling me what to do. I will go wherever I want, and do whatever I want." The ten-year-old, red-haired boy looked at him out of determinately sparkling, ice-hued orb.
"You will? And where'll you go? What will you do?" Kai gazed back at his friend curiously, slightly swaying his feet. They sat atop the high wall running around the soberly appearing building behind them, and likely they would be admonished for it once somebody would see them having climbed up there. It never detained them from doing it again and again, though.
"I don't know. I want to be free. I want to see things, great things. I've never been in the taiga, Kai. They say it's beautiful there. The pure snow, the wild forests... Maybe I'll meet a snow-wolf there; one that's just like Wolborg. To be free... yes, that's what I want..."
Kai didn't understand. He couldn't envision much in the phrase 'to be free', but the way Tala spoke about it made it sound great. It had to be a wonderful thing, this 'being free'. He listened to Tala, fascinated, captivated by the other's words and dreams.
"Don't you want to come with me?" The redhead suddenly turned to him and looked at him intensely, pervasively and calmly.
"Would you take me with you?" Kai whispered quietly, slightly intimidated because of the older boy's sudden seriousness.
"Yes." Was the simple answer.
"Why?" He wanted to know, out of reasons he himself couldn't really grasp at that time. He just wanted to know...
"Because I trust you, Kai..."
Kai leaned back in the armchair and ran his hands through his hair in distress. He refused to open his eyes, not until it was safe to do so without anything that was held inside flowing over.
"Because I trust you, Kai..."
Such blindness... childish, obstinate, denying blindness. The whole time through. Tala and he, they'd had a bond between them, invisible but all the more perceptible. Every time he thought of Tala, every time he saw him, he would feel this jabbing inside as the bond stretched and strained but they never let it tear completely. They probably didn't even understand how much they cared for each other. The feeling of being offended if the other was being insulted, the compassion if he was in pain, the sympathy when he was sad...
When Tala fell to the ground, Kai had been by his side instantly, guided by an instinct and not any rational thought. He wouldn't do the same for anyone else. This emotional chaos, the pain he felt right now – that all was because of Tala. This was not an illusion, not a temporary state of mind, no. It'd always been like this. He had been so used to it that he simply stopped noticing somewhere along the way. Up until the point where he'd left his old team. Since then something was amiss. He searched, he was confused, he didn't understand – he forgot. But now he remembered again. Tala was the Something that had been amiss. He always had been, every time they were separated from each other.
"Прости меня..."
"Because I trust you, Kai..."
"Kai..."
Kai flinched slightly as he realized that Tala's voice had been real this time, and not just in his head. His eyes fluttered open without him really acknowledging it and he now stared into ice-blue crystals that were still a bit hooded.
"Tala... you're awake." He stated matter-of-factly, more to himself.
"Yes."
For a moment, there was complete silence. They looked at each other without saying anything because even though there was so much to say, there were no words to find in order to express it. Were words even appropriate right now?
Kai stood up and went over to the window, thankful that Tala hadn't noticed the glossy shimmer in his eyes. He couldn't say what was bigger now: the relief that his friend had woken up or the fear of what was surely to come.
Tala's vision cleared up, the memories coming back. The battle, the rage, the pain, Kai...
"Where am I?" He asked eventually and tried to sit up. The pain immediately shot throughout his whole body, making him groan.
"You're in my hotel room. I know you hate hospitals." Was Kai's reply, his voice mildly hoarse and levelled down.
The older teen eyed his friend's back and tried to define the tone of the voice. Why did the Phoenix seem so distressed? He sounded like he'd been crying, or was about to. Nonsense. Because of me? Sure, stop fooling yourself, Tala. Why would I matter to him? He's probably glad if he can get rid of me again. A bitter sentiment, and he tried ignoring the pain those thoughts brought with them. Did he really no longer meant anything to Kai?
"You should stay in bed." The younger Blader added in a firmer tone, staring out of the window with unseeing eyes. Tala, you idiot. What were you thinking? Not to imagine if you hadn't woken up...
"Who are you, my mother?" A snappy answer, like it always came if someone tried to dictate Tala something. He didn't know why he felt so offended... maybe he just tried to cover up the guilt he was feeling. Although he didn't really know why he felt guilty in the first place, and why he had the nagging feeling to have to apologize to the crimson-eyed boy.
"No..." Kai shrugged. His thoughts were overlapping again, he wanted to yell at the other and make it clear how stupid he had been. But at the same time, he wanted to wrap him into his arms and just feel his heartbeat, feel that it was real, that he was alive. The relief and the rage mixed up into something explosive that threatened to make all the walls he always kept high in defence, to crumble.
Tala looked at him, not knowing what to think of that answer. The whole situation was strange. He didn't quite know what he should expect or what would happen next.
"Why did you bring me here?" He finally asked and Kai turned around, Tala instantly getting uncomfortable under the piercing glare of those fiery red eyes. Was the other mad at him? If someone had the right to be mad, then it was he himself; after all it was Kai who'd betrayed him and not the other way around!
With that thought, his doggedness returned. Kai had betrayed him, abandoned him, he'd run off. Just like that, without giving a reason or saying goodbye. Tala's gaze grew harder and emotionless. They now stared at one another like two beasts in a cage, ready to lash out at each other.
But Kai saw it. Saw the pain and he knew what the redhead was thinking about. If he only could explain. If he only could make it clear to Tala why he had left back then – he knew it had been more than unfair, it'd been treachery. Would the other even listen? Kai knew well the look that was on Tala's face right now. Now it made little sense to dispute with him because he simply wouldn't listen. Damn it... The situation was slipping out of hand.
"Tala, listen..." He tried it regardless, and the reaction was exactly like he had expected it.
"No, Kai. Save it. I don't want to hear it." The redhead cut off, although deep down inside he wanted nothing more than to hear it still. To hear the reason why. Why for heaven's sake? It hurt so much...
"I'm sorry, Tala." The Phoenix whispered, lowering his eyes. Tala's anger was warranted. More than anything.
"Sorry doesn't quite cut it anymore, Hiwatari." The voice of the older Blader was cold and aloof as he gathered up what strength he had to get out of the bed. He ignored the pain, which wasn't really difficult for it hurt much more inside. It urged him on despite his body bordering hard on limits. He probably wouldn't make it far. Where to, anyway? He didn't know where he should depart to. Back to Voltaire? He hated the idea.
Kai didn't even try to stop him. Tala's words had slashed into him, choking off any objection, not allowing him to protest. To say anything at all.
The Wolf straightened up, eyes focused ahead of himself. After a few seconds of break, he walked up to the door and came to a halt in front of it. Did he really want to leave? Just go and erase Kai out of his life? No... he couldn't. That wasn't possible. God, it hurt. It hurt incredibly much. Kai... don't let me just go like that... please... His eyes closed for a moment. Was he waiting?
Kai wanted to scream. Tala was leaving, for real. Should all of it end like that? Just like that - snap and over? That couldn't be... that wasn't allowed to be! His heart froze as Tala gripped the door handle. Thousands of thoughts were running through his head but none of them was of any use. His mind tried repeatedly to shake him awake yet his ability to speak seemed to have been swallowed by something. His heart paced so rapidly he could hear it pounding in his ears. No, it couldn't end like this... I'm going to lose him... forever...
It seemed an eternity had passed and Tala realized he couldn't hesitate any longer. He had to make this step now. He made his decision, and tried to shut down all the emotions that repulsed it. So be it...
The Wolf turned the handle...
"Tala, no! Please... Don't go."
... and found himself rooted to the spot as he heard the desperate voice of his friend. His deceptively solid intention to leave shattered into thousand pieces and he gasped inaudibly with the hitch of his heart. He hated it to hope but this one time... this one time he was willing to make an exception. For Kai...
And? What do you think? Any good? You liked it? I hope you did! Next chapter's to come soon ^_^
Thanks to everyone who reviewed! Till the next one, then!
Kate