The 2002 UKE Awards Chapter 4: Occurance Within A Plot Awards, a tiny toon adventures fanfic

*The stage curtains are closed. Stage lights color the audience and the curtain- slowly rising in pastel colors like a sunrise. Blue becomes violet, red becomes tangerine and orange becomes yellow as the lights slowly rise.

The orchestra's percussion section stands and begins a sustained cadence as a march begins; each snare drum joining in one after the other, building to a proud military traditional march. The brass section stands and begins to proudly play "Semper Fidelis"!

The huge stage curtain peels open to reveal - All the Looney Tunes on the march! Bugs Bunny, Daffy and Porky Pig are costumed as "The Spirit of '76" with fife, drum and the American Flag.

All the Looney Tunes follow, marching in perfect step, dressed in full dress uniforms and carrying the flags of the branches of the service. Foghorn Leghorn, Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Miss Prissy and the Barnyard Dawg wear Army uniforms and are led by Private Snafu. The band plays as they sing "As the Caissons Go Rolling Along".

Wile E., The Roadrunner, Beaky Buzzard, Henery Hawk and Tweety enter in US Air Force uniforms singing and marching to "The Army Air Corps Song": "Up we go, into the wild blue Yonder! Climbing high, into the Sun!..."

Taz, Sylvester, Granny and the Three Bears march in dressed as Marines, singing the Marines Hymn: "From the Halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli! We will fight our country's battles on the land, the air and sea!..."

Pepe Le Pew, Penelope, Petunia Pig, Ralph Wolf, Sam Sheepdog, Speedy Gonzales, Honey Bunny and Lola Bunny enter in Navy uniforms, marching to "Anchors Aweigh!" They are led by Seaman Hook.

All the toons march into file and mark time as a lanky white cat enters in a sailor suit. Bugs, Porky and Daffy join him stage center as the band strikes up "The Marine's Song".

Conrad the Cat sings:

"Over the sea, let's go men!

We're shovin' right off! We're shoving right off - again!

Nobody knows where or when!

We're shovin' right off! We're shovin' right off again!

Daffy, Porky and Bugs join in, singing in harmony:

"We're leaving to-day! It's anchors aweigh!

Sally and Sue - don't be blue!

We'll just be gone for years and years and then!

We're shovin' right off for home - shovin right off for home -

shovin' right off for home again!"

*As the audience applauds each group the drums' thundering cadence changes slightly. The Looney Tunes march in a swing-back pattern as a new group of toons enters from stage right -

The crew of the PT 537 STINGRAY marches on wearing Union and Confederate Naval uniforms of the Civil War. Buster Bunny is in Federalist blue and is carrying the Union flag. Shirley is in the grey uniform of a Confederate captain and carrys "The Bonnie Blue Flag". Plucky, Gogo, Babs, Calamity and Furball wear long officer's coats, while Hamton, Fifi, Wakko, Fowlmouth, Mary Melody and Arnold are dressed as ordinary seamen, with their flat beret-like sailor's caps. Dr. Lord marches behind them dressed in his modern Naval white dress officer's uniform and presenting his ceramonial dress sword.

*The band plays the downbeat as the Toonsters march in place and start to sing that old Warner Brothers' tune:

"Shipmates stand together! Don't give up the ship!

Fair or stormy weather - We won't give up - we won't give up the ship!

We're all in together - it's a long, long trip...

Every seventh of December! We'll remember! We'll remember!

Don't give up the ship!"

*The music and marching suddenly halts as All the toons onstage come to attention and salute. As thunderous applause fills the theatre, the curtain closes.

Pepe K. enters from the wings, stage right and crosses to the podium. He's dressed in a cutaway dress tuxedo (white tie and tails - 3 of them*

Pepe K.: Welcome back, as the 2nd Annual UKE Awards continues!...

Pepe K.

**************************************************

* An obnoxious clown sticks his head in from the wings*

Clown: Hey! Why didn't ya hire me for this bit?

Pepe K.: Excusez moi. (to the Clown) I'm doing a show here - would you please leave the stage?!

*the Clown goes*

Pepe K. : As I was saying, er...well as I was almost about to say - Now we'll continue with the awards. Tonight we begin to honor the winners of the "Occurance within a plot Awards"!...rather an odd group, actually, but -

*The same clown appears from the opposite side of the stage*

Clown: C'mon! Ya know ya need me fer dis bit!

Pepe K.: ....No, I do Not need you. Would you please just _Go_Away_.

Clown: Sheesh! Just tryin' ta make an honest livin'!

*grumbling, he goes*

Pepe K.: Ahem! * he smiles at the audience* Now before we were so rudely interrupted -

*he looks to see the Clown now appearing in the prompter's box waving and smiling at him. Pepe grimaces at the Clown, inadvertantly also making the same face at the audience. His eyes suddenly see the audience reacting to him and breaks into a sheepish grin. The Clown waves and points to a large green zuccini that he's holding - that only Pepe can see. Pepe tries to ignore him.*

Pepe K.:Now then! "The Occurance Within the Plot Awards" are for all those strange and clever moments created by an author that go to make up a zuccini- ARRRRRRRGH!!! Get outta there, you Clown!!!

*the Clown hides*

Pepe K.: Ahem! er - those clever moments created by the author that make for a great piece of work. And in cartoons and comedic pieces, there's one called-"

*Pepe sees that the Clown now is functioning as the cameraman as the camera suddenly pans left away from Pepe. Pepe runs over into the screen.*

Pepe K.: -uh, there's one called-

*The camera pans up to the ceiling, out of Pepe's reach. Suddenly he begins jumping up and into the screen - one moment at a time*

Pepe K.:(jumps) Theres!.. (jump) one!..(jump).called!...(jump) a!......(jump) running- !!!

*There is a terrible crash off screen and the sound of someone stuck in a tuba being blown out suddenly! Pepe sails up into the screen and out again, shrugging his shoulders as he again falls out of the picture. There's another funny crash as he lands on the tympanis!*

BAARRRRROOOOOOOM!!-CRASH!-CRASH!- BOOM! -BAM!... Crunch..tinkle.......

*The camera pans down in the silence that follows to the wrecked orchestra pit. Pepe is stuck halfway through a kettle drum with tiny clowns spinning around his head. The clown now turns around, revealing himself as the conductor.

Clown: Now willya hire me???

PepeK.: ..okay...Okay! Yer hired!! Now do yer thing so we can get on with this!!

*The Clown flips up onto the stage and begins running in circles, occasionaly running into walls and slipping and falling on banana peels*

*An exhausted Pepe K. claws his way painfully back onstage and wobbles his way back to the podium*

Pepe K.:(panting) Tonight's.. Award..is for.. the Best...Running Gag. The Nominees are...Buster keeps getting attacked by the cute killer Bunny in Abel DuSable's "Spooky Stories"!

===================================

Buster:

Have you ever said something you immediately regretted? AHHHHHHHHHH!

As the 'Bunny' attacks Buster, the camera pans away and all we can hear are it's inhuman growls and Buster's cries for help.

----------

The camera continues to pan away through the forest as a familiar white glove smacks against the sign and Buster's cries begin to fade into the distance.

----------

The camera close-ups on the glowing crystal ball and it dissolves into the full moon over the landscape. The camera pans down from the moon to Buster's garden where only shreds of his shirt and one ragged glove can be found.

----------

The camera swings to look at the horrible thing snarling at them. It does look a lot like Buster... if he gained about 800 lbs of solid muscle and switched from vegetarian to demonic carnivore. It begins advancing on them and they slowly back away.

===================================

*wild applause*

===================================

Harry gave this idea some consideration. "You know, Millicent, you're right again! Besides, I'm sure that 'lifting the backdrop' shtick is getting old with her by now. She must wonder what it's like to actually travel by plane..." he chuckled. "Can I at least book the flight?"

----------

"Well, not exactly, Aunt Reg, but it's the next best thing. Come with me," she said, taking her aunt by the hand and leading her outside. "I learned this trick at school. Now, feel around on the ground until you find the backdrop."

"The what?"

"Trust me on this."

"Okay," Reg shrugged, and did as she was told. "I feel kind of silly...hey, wait a minute... I think I _do_ feel something..." Reg firmly grasped the bottom of the backdrop. "What do I do now, yank it like a windowshade?" she giggled.

"Precisely," Rue said. "But not until you think about where you want to go, or you'll just end up nowhere."

A worried expression crossed Reg's face. "And I'll never get back, is that it?"

RuBarb reassured her aunt, "No... it'll just take the search party a little longer to find you, is all. Got all that?"

"Oh, all right. Well, I wish I were back at Purrington Manor with Amby..."

"Okay, then," Rue nodded. "Think about that, and, to use the vernacular, let 'er fly!"

"Very well," Reg said, unsure about this, and gave the backdrop a good swift yank. To her shocked surprise, Acme Acres rolled up with a *fwap*, and there before her stood the palatial home that was Purrington Manor. "My gosh! It really works!"

----------

"All right... stand well back, all of you," Reg advised, grabbing hold of the bottom. "Here we go." And with a quick yank, the scenery rolled up as usual, revealing the sight of Purrington Manor once more.

----------

"Something like that, Uncle Amby," Rue said, moving to the farthest west boundary of the grounds, while Reg did the same on the east. (Amby knew enough to take this as his cue to join the others, which he did.) Nodding to each other, they unsheathed their claws, took a running jump at the scenery, landed high above the top of the manor, sunk their claws into the backdrop and slowly slid down, making perfect cuts in the scenery as they did so. "Okay, that's two down," Rue noted. "Now for one across." Taking another running jump, the two black cats landed with precision at their original starting points, this time carefully slicing their way across towards each other with one paw, while making sure to grab on to the scenery with the other. Before everyone's eyes, Purrington Manor fell to the ground like a sheet.

Climbing down the rest of the scenery again, the cats carefully rolled the manor up and maneuvered it to the feet of the waiting Carrottes. All that was left of their handiwork was a vacant lot! Quickly, Reg pulled a "For Sale" sign from behind her back and stuck it in the middle. Then, they joined the rest of the group in Acme Acres. Grabbing the bottom of the backdrop once more, Reg gave it another smart tug, revealing the rest of Acme Acres. And finally, as if waving a bedsheet, she and Rue grabbed the bottom edge of the freshly cut scenery, unrolled it and watched as it stood upright all by itself, exactly where Reg wanted it!

===================================

And...The Use of Scenery Changes in "The Bloomin' Loonies V" by The Incredible WhereKitty (Jennifer Cleckley) and Furball T. Cat (Jerry D. Withers)!

*more wild applause*

Clown: And the winner is -!

Pepe K.: (calls offstage) Sick 'em, Wakko!!

Wakko's voice: CLOWN!!!

*Wakko Warner drops down on the Running Gag Clown like a falling sandbag and the two go into a cloud battle*

Pepe K.: The Winners are - Jennifer Cleckley and Jerry D. Withers for THE BLOOMIN' LOONIES 5: Count 'em, 5! Congratulations!

*wild cheering*

*Pepe gets pulled into the cloud battle - then sticks just his bruised head out*

Pepe K.: ..Clowns! Why'd it have to be clowns?!..

*The skunk gets pulled back into the raging cloud battle.*

:) Pepe K.

**************************************************

Werekitty, and Nigel walk up to the stage, and watch the cloud fight for a moment. Then Kitty pulls out a fishing rod, and fishes out the hapless host.

"Would you do the honors, Nige?"

"But of course," Nigel said, whipping out his cricket bat, and sending the cloud fight into the stratusphere.

"Thank you. How ya doin', Pepe?"

"Just waiting on your speach, Rottin. You could say I'm hanging on your every word."

"I could always throw you back, you know," the kitty said sweetly.

"Oh, no need," the skunk said with a grin, as he was set, gently to his feet. The Incredible Werekitty then walked up to the podium and faced the audience. She gulped, adjusted her collar, and sighed. She did, after all, flunk speech class.

"Ah... I'd like to thank all those who thought that scene transition gag was so great. Thank you." With that the Kitty beat a hasty retreat, looking kinda flustered.

-The Incredible Werekitty

**************************************************

*Pepe K. stands once more at the podium, dusting himself off*

Pepe K.:Thanks Nigel and WhereKitty!

Our next award is for the Most Groan-Worthy Joke/ or Pun in a TTA Fanfic. During the course of writing a story, sometimes there is a great temptation for the author to make a deliberate and unavoidable joke to the audience. Sometimes it's the sole purpose of the story - to build up to one really good punchline...or in this case, one that makes the audience want to put their heads through a wall-

*There is a loud crash as a pair of moose antlers comes through the stage left wall, followed by alot of voices backstage. Pepe reacts, covering his face in exasperation. After a struggle, the antlers pop back out through the moose head-shaped hole*

Pepe K.: Annnnd speaking of which - here are some old friends of mine to help present this award -- ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE!

*The skunk gestures and a stage curtain descends wearing a large sign on it: "BULLWINKLE'S CORNER"..." Rocket J. Squirrel"or "Rocky" enters stage right.(Her real name is Jewel.)

*Wild applause! Tuba music intro*

Rocky: And now, some high-brow poetry from the lowest of brows - Here's Bullwinkle's Corner!

*the curtain rises on Bullwinkle J. Moose wearing his glasses, artist's smock and carrying his oversized Poetry book*

Bullwinkle: Hello Poetry Lovers. To-day we'll be liming at lookericks - or looking at limericks, whichever comes first.

Rocky: Uh..Bullwinkle?

Bullwinkle: Not now, Rock -- I gotta show goin' here...

(reads) "As a beauty I am not a star,

There are others more handsome by far;

*he looks in a mirror that cracks*

But my face -- I don't mind it,

For I am behind it.

It's the people in front that I jar!

Rocky: Bullwinkle, we're supposed to -

Bullwinke: Rock, please! I'm on a roll!

*Rocky sighs in exasperation.

(Bugs Bunny and Millicent [the hefty Slobovian Rabbette] appear onstage and do the scene as Bullwinkle narrates it)*

Bullwinkle: (reads) "A girl who weighed many an oz.

Used language I dare not pronoz.

For a fellow unkind

Pulled her chair out behind

Just to see (so he said) if she'd boz."

*Bugs pulls Millie's chair out from under her and she chases him offstage*

Rocky: Bullwinkle! We're supposed to be be doing-

Bullwinkle: Aw c'mon, Rock!

*The star of "The Scorpian King": "The Rock" peeks out from the wings*

The Rock: You talkin' to me?

Bullwinkle:(scared by the massive wrestler) Uh... no sir!

The Rock: (looks at the audience and does his customary eyebrow lift) Oh.... sorry, wrong show.

*he ducks out*

Rocky: Bullwinkle, we're supposed to be talking about puns - not limericks!

Bullwinkle: (looking sadly at his poetry book) ...I goofed again, huh?

Rocky: (with crossed arms) Yeah... and stop callin' me by the stage name, please.

Bullwinkle: Oh!.. Sorry Jewel, I keep forgettin' we've retired.

Rocky:It's okay. We're livin' on in reruns and video tape.

Bullwinkle: And don't forget our movie! (grins and waves at the camera) Plug! Plug!

Boris Badenov: (entering) Phooey! Only tink dat has retired is your brain, Moose!

Natasha Fatale: (entering) Boris, darlink - We got beeg troubles!

Boris: Vat eez it, Honeybonch?

Natasha: I find dees UKE Awards we are stealink are just gold-painted plastic! - Not real gold - dey are worthless!

Boris! RASKANYEEKOOFF! (crys) Natasha, I am a failure as crooked no-goodnik!

Natasha: Oh Boris Dahlink - don't worry! You are still A-Number One, Dorty, No-Good Crookedy Crook ov all Villains to me!

Boris: Oh Natasha... you always know the right thing to say!

Natasha: Come Dahlink - we go rob Mickey Mouse, you'll feel bedder.

(The 2 Villians exit happily arm in arm)

**************************************************

The not-so-arch-arch villains barely take two steps into the wings when a -very surprisingly echous -- loud *THUD* resounds around the stage. Two seconds later, it is followed by the sound of creaking boards and a *CRASH* as something plummits through the floorboards.

A low-toned female voice growls, "Leave Walt Disney's son *ALONE*!"

A few minutes later, Leloni Bunny returns to her seat next to Thorne. He blinks and asks, "Where've you been?"

With a coy smile, she replies, "Oh, just dropping a hoppopotamus on some deserving creeps."

'Oh,"

Thonre doubletakes. "Wait, you mean a h*i*ppo, right?"

"No, I mean a HOPpo," Leloni says. She casually waves to a blue hippo with a pink tummy as it staggers out the side exit of the auditorium. Well, it would appear to be a staggering hippo save the large blue powder puff tail on the hippo's oversized posterior and her long bunny ears. It also seems to be sporting a very small pair of white bird wings.

Leloni turns back toward Thorne and grins. "Didin't you ever collect Wuzzles as a kid?"

Leloni Bunny

Grateful to the man (and his Mouse) who's cartoons inspired a little girl to draw.

**************************************************

Rocky:(Scratching his head) That voice.. where have I heard that voice before??

Bullwinkle: Probably at Paul Frees' house. Say, I got one more - can I read it?

Rocky: Nope, we have to introduce the nominees, okay?

*Bullwinkle nods, making a face*

Pepe K.: Thanks fur gettin on with it, Jewel.

Rocky: No problem Mister K.

*crosses to the podium with Bullwinkle*

The nominees are: The brief (Bomb-ay duck) sequence from "A Certain Lonely Toon Part 1"!

===================================

"Do the teachers here normally plummet into pits mid-class?" Sandy asked as Buster strolled over to him and Babs.

"That's a first as far as I know," the pink bunny replied.

"How long have we got until end of period?" Sandy queried.

Perfectly on cue Gogo popped out of the clock on the wall. "Twenty more minutes in which to go cuckoo! Cuckoo!" he then hit himself back into the clock with a mallet.

"One of his saner moods today," Buster commented, leaning back in his chair, outsize feet propped on the desk.

"You should have been here on the Fourth of July," Babs put in. "He kept launching fireworks from the clocks. Funnily enough they all hit Plucky."

"By the end of school he looked like Daffy," Buster chuckled. "Closest he ever got to emulating his mentor."

"Sort of Bomb-ay duck, then?" Sandy asked with a lazy grin.

"Boom, boom!" Babs returned, vying with him for the title of Biggest Teeth-Flasher In Class.

"Gogo must like his duck grilled - with extra soot," Sandy wasn't about to be beaten.

"At least Plucky's day went with a BANG!" Babs' grin was now half the width of the classroom.

By now Buster was cringing visibly, and poor Plucky huddled under his desk, barricaded in with barbed-wire and flanked by attack dogs.

Sandy and Babs continued swapping barbecued-duck-style puns right up until Daffy walked back in - one minute before the end of period bell. He was wearing a corked hat and a fowl...er...foul expression.

===================================

*applause*

Bullwinkle: Next is uh... Ui si uofoO 64L..Hmmm! Sounds like an Italian race horse er sumthin.

Rocky: (looks at it) Oh Bullwinkle, you have the card turned upside down!

Bullwinkle:(turns the card over) OH!..(reads) "The Doctor is in".

===================================

Who wrote this story? Could it be... SATAN!!

No, but you're close. It's just little old me, Clare aka: Snugglebunny85

Oh, and by the way, the ship on Gilligan's Island was the S.S. Minnow. I wonder if Yosemite finished his crossword puzzle.

===================================

*laughter and applause*

Pepe K.:Heh, cute one. Uh - the next nomineee is the Harewolf/Spampire from Abel Du Sable's "Spooky Stories".

===================================

Buster:

I'm just gonna lie here if that's alright with you...

Babs:

A rolled up newspaper?

Calamity:

Yes. The secret weakness of the legendary HARE-WOLF.

Fifi:

'ARE-WOLF?

Furrball:

A lethal combo of the worst traits of Wolves... and rabbits.

Babs:

You're kidding. And a rolled up newspaper changes them back to normal?

Abel:

Well... it has to be the weekend special edition. See all the inserts?

Calamity:

Just be thankful it wasn't a Spampire we had to deal with.

Babs:

A what?

Furrball:

A vampire pig.

Babs:

Will you guys stop that! This is getting ridiculous!

Abel:

Well there are no known Spampires around here. Binky has slain them all for us.

Babs:

Binky? Binky Bunny? IQ the same as a clod of dirt Binky?

Abel:

Hey. In many cases intelligence has no bearing on talent. Just watch MTV sometime.

Fifi:

Binky ze Spampire slayer?

Babs:

ARRRGH!

===================================

*applause*

Pepe K.(grinning to himself) ..I wonder how Petunia Pig would look dressed like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?..(catches himself).AHEM!! Moving right along!

Bullwinkle:And the Winner of the Most Groan-Worthy Joke/Pun in a fic! With an astounding 163 votes is: Abel Du Sable's "TTA Short Stories" for . uh..Do I have to say it??

Pepe K. and Rocky: Yes!

Bullwinkle: Uh... okay, just don't throw stuff at me...

*Pepe K. and Rocky put up umbrellas*

Bullwinkle: Er.. uh..

*he cringes and closes his eyes in expectation of being attacked*

===================================

Abel:

Warner Brothers is about to undergo a merger!

All sound in the cafeteria abruptly ends as everyone drops what they were doing and stares at Abel in absolute terror.

Buster: (shocked)

WHAT! But... they can't... it's not... who could they *POSSIBLY* be merging with?

Abel: (Also shocked)

It says here, that the merger will become a conglomeration of Polygram Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler.

Calamity:

But that's ludicrous! What could those three companies ever have in common to initiate a merger?

Abel:

I'm hanged if I know, but apparently this new company will be called "POLY-WARNER-CRACKER".

The silence is so thick not even the crickets are chirping. Everyone in the room stares at Abel, then Babs reaches down to her tray and scoops up some brown lumps in grey sauce with her bare hand. Every other toon in the room does the same and all narrow their eyes at the sable.

Abel: (noticing the people)

Uh oh.

===================================

...Polly Warner Cracker!

*Moose and Squirrel (and skunk) hide under the bumbershoots as the audience groans terribly! They dodge the barrage of rotten vegetables that the audience throws at them!*

Pepe K.:Why does somebody always bring eggs and tomatoes to a speech?!

*He gets hit with an over-ripe tomato*

:) Pepe K.

**************************************************

[...unWARP!!!]

Good evening.

*******

Before Abel could get his award, all the presenters were surprised as The J.A.M., Lightning Rodriguez, Speedy Gonzales, Calamity Coyote, and a huge lion with huge wings named Leondrel De Mellabaz walked out from stage right, clothed with green shirts, red, white, and green sarapes, sombreros, horns, and *matracas*, waving Mexican flags all over the place, chanting,

"¡¡¡¡MEXICO!!!! ¡¡¡¡MEXICO!!!! ¡¡¡¡MEXICO!!!! ¡¡¡¡MEXICO!!!!" etc. As they exited stage left, the jaguar poked his head back out and explained,

"Mexico 1, Croatia 0. Hey, it's only once every four years, you know."

The Mexicans left and Abel continued...

*******

Until next time, remember:

I AM THE J.A.M.

Good evening.

[WARP!!!]

**************************************************

A loud squeeking and clanking noise filled the auditorium and all eyes turned to the left part of the stage where Abel staggers towards the podium, dressed in heavy gleaming black midevil armor with a plexiglass faceplate. As he clumsily accepts the award he takes his mark and speaks into the microphone, his voice rich with metallic reverb.

"I would like to thank you everyone for this honor. Some say puns are the last refuge of the witless, however I prefer to beleive that they are the sign of a truely agile mind. After all... is not the motto of the Looniversity, "e punibus unim"? "

"Booo! Get off the stage!" Yelled Monty as he flung a tomato at the sable, the vegetable splattering harmlessly on his armor.

"I would also like to Congratulate Mexico on the win. I don't watch the world cup often but I'm certain it's well deserved. "

Speedy zipped up beside Abel and knocked politely on his steel clad leg prompting him to look down.

"Pardon me Mr DuSable, but it is not pronounced Meks-IH-co."

"It's not?"

"You pronounce it Me-HE-co."

"Thank you for the correction. You know I had an uncle who spent a year working in Me-HE-co city."

"Really what was his job?"

"He drove a Ta-HE-cab"

The Audience groaned in pain throwing more rotten fruit splattering and sloughing off of Abel's suit. Speedy dodged the gooey spray and frowned at Abel.

"That was very bad Mr DuSable! I'm not offended but I am disgusted."

"Hey, we all need to find work where we can. I've had a lot of different jobs."

"Really?" Said Bullwinkle stepping closer. "Like what?"

"Well... I used to be a Butler, but it wasnt my cup of tea..."

"Oh no... " Groaned Rocky, backing away slowly. "I don't like the looks of this..."

"I used to be a ballet dancer, but found it too-too difficult.

I used to be a banker, but lost interest in the work.

I used to be a blackjack host, but was offered a better deal.

I used to work for Campbells Soup, but then I got canned.

I used to be a carpenter, but then I got bored.

I used to work at a diet center, but then the staff was down-sized.

I used to work for H&R Block, but it was just too taxing.

I used to be a part-time hairdresser, but opted for something more permanent.

I used to be a Hollywood agent, but then I promoted myself.

I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations.

I used to be a lumberjack, but then I got the axe.

I used to make pottery, but I got fired

I used to be a printer, but never made a good impression.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.

I used to be a sanitation engineer, but the city dumped me.

I used to be a taxidermist, but just didn't have the right stuff.

I used to be a tailor, but found the work to be just so-so.

I used to be a tennis instructor, but it just wasn't my racket.

I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.

I used to be a Velcro salesman, but couldn't stick with it.

I used to work for Victoria's Secret, but then I got a pink slip."

Abel finally stops and looks out at the audience from over the small mound of garbage that has been hurtled at him and realises the audience is still groaning and moaning from the impact of so many bad puns in such a short time. He chuckles and and walks out from behind the mound and holds the award up high.

"Long live Puns.... the Good the Bad and the Funny!" He then notices that Rocky and Bullwinkle despite their umbrellas are waist deep in debris and he chuckles. "And I have a confession to make... I was always a fan of Boris and Natasha! They were rendered into real Life not once... but twice! Long live Boris and Natasha! Long live Fearless Leader! Long live Pottsylvania!"

Suddenly Boris and Natasha and the Fearless leader slide out onstage and all sing the Pottsylvanian National Anthem.

"Hail Pottsylvania!

Hail to the Black and the Blue!

Hail Pottsylvania,

Sneaky and crooked, through and through...

Down with the good guys,

Up with the Boss,

Under the sign of the triple cross!

Hail Pottsylvania! Hail, hail, hail!"

They retreat quickly offstage but Abel's foot hits a puddle of goo causing him to fall on his back and become pinned under the weight of his suit like a large turtle.

"No! Wait! Come back my comerades! I'm stuck! You need my bad puns to conquer the world! Come Baaaaack!"

In the end it's Pete the Janitor who has to drag Abel offstage, then clean up all of the rotten vegetation so that the Ukies may continue.

-Abel

**************************************************

In the Spielberg section of the theater / auditorium / coliseum / wherever it is these awards are being held, a certain lab mouse is paying keen attention.
Brain: "Hmm, conquering the world through bad puns, interesting... Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?"
Pinky: "Um, I think so Brain, but I didn't even know Wendy's father was an actor, much less a movie star. He makes those yummy burgers with square patties, AND he has star quality. Who would have thought it?"
"Certainly not you, Pinky", Brain mutters as he writes his latest idea in a notepad (not to be confused with Notepad).
"I mean, I would never have thought he would even have a mustache."
"Pinky, can you see what I'm writing with?"
"Um, a pencil?"
"And do you know what I usually do with a pencil?"
"Ummm..." Pinky stammers as he catches the evil eye from Brain. "I'll be quiet now, Brain, even if it does seem so improbable. *TROZ!* "
"Good, Pinky. Fortunately, this years UKEs won't last nearly as long as last year's with that pseudo-professor out of the loop. So we'll be able to get back to the lab well in advance of tomorrow night."
"But, Brain, what are we going to do tomorrow night?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky--"
"MOUSIES!"
"Run for our lives from the oaf! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!"
And the mice are running off again.

professor Nathaniel T. Freeman

This post dedicated to Dave Thomas 1932-2002

**************************************************

*Pepe K. runs offstage in excitement and returns a moment later*

Pepe K.:(all smiles) Since she just happens to be here, I thought I'd invite an old friend to join me for a moment - Ladies and Gentletoons - from "The Wuzzles" - please welcome -- Hoppo Hoppopotumus!

*The large blue and fushia hippopotumus/rabbit Wuzzle comes bounding out joyously! She does a big showy "Taaa-Dahhhh!" in her Joanne Worley voice. Then she sweeps Pepe K. up in her arms. Despite her crushing embrace, Pepe doesn't object and seems to enjoy it greatly*

Hoppo: Daaaaarling! I haven't seen you in aaaages! Not since we dated in college - where've you been keepin' yerself, sweetie?

Pepe K.: Hereabouts. How's you? Living on in Disney Channel re-runs?

Hoppo:(dramatically) Yeeees! It's sooo hard on an actress of my high quality!..- But it pays my food bills.

Pepe K.: Yer just as cute as ever!

*Hoppo poses and does a piroette, her white bunny tail waving on her big.....personality. *

Pepe K.: Anyway! While you're here, how'd you like to help present the next award?

Hoppo:(does a huge take) Oooo! Love to! (jumps for joy - and shakes the building) Just gimme a spotlight and a stage and I'll bring the house down!

Pepe K.: That had crossed my mind..

Hoppo:( Falsely Indignant) Is that a Fat Joke?

Pepe K.: Maybe...but at least it's not a Chicken Joke!

*they both smile and laugh at each other*

Both: (to the audience) Private Joke!

Hoppo:(seizing the cue cards) Okay, let's see what we've got here! Hmm.. (to the audience) Tonight we're offering an award of note -

*she opens her mouth and sings very loudly with far too much vibrato*

AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAaAaaAAAAAaaAaaaaaAAaaaaaAAAaaAAaaAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAHHH!

*audience laughs*

Pepe K: What was that?

Hoppo: A high note! (laughs wildly) C sharp!

Pepe K.:(poking her belly) Sounds more like *Middle* C..

Hoppo: Anymore fat jokes and you'll B flat!

*audience laughs*

Pepe K.: (smiles) I'd rather B Natural!

*They both laugh*

Hoppo: You're almost as bad as Rhinokey.. Anyway, this UKE Award is for the Best Obscure Pop Culture Referance.

Pepe K.: Yes. This is where a clever author fits in a joke or a circumstance that is topical humor -

Hoppo: Don't you mean "typical"?

Pepe K.: No I mean "topical" - as in "Humor for Today".

===================================

Babs whipped an Acme Gazette from behind her back, then opened it to the Entertoonment section. "Lemme see...there's Police Academy 127 : Skeletons on Patrol - see Jones play Yankee Doodle on his femur; Star Trek : Geriatrics - Picard and co go on a dangerous mission to win a bingo game; Freddie's Definitely Positively Absolutely Dead This Time Honest to God : The Final Final Final Final Nightmare (We Mean It This Time); Mary Poppins 2000, featuring digital Dick Van Dyke, complete with convincing Cockney accent; Star Wars Episode One; and Stewart Miniscule."

===================================

Hoppo: And the first nominee is - the Basil Brush reference in 'A Certain Lonely Toon' by Foxy Fellow!

*applause*

===================================

The other was slightly shorter but considerably more unusual in appearance. Clearly oriental, he wore what looked like light blue samurai robes, a distinct gleam reflecting from the long sword that lay clasped at his side. His face was cast in an intense expression of surprise, a thin beard and a mass of black hair tied into a topknot completing the image.

===================================

Pepe K.: Next is the Japanese Samuri in 'Dancers at the Edge of Eternity' by Sean Campbell!

*applause*

Pepe K.: Personally, I also liked seeing Rodger Thornhill from 'North By Northwest' and the Artilleryman from 'War of the Worlds' in there as well.

===================================

CUT TO:

(Buster goofing around with The Lost in Space Robot)

Buster:(Imitating Dr. Smith)" _Just_you_wait, you bubble-headed booby!"

Robot:(waving his arms angrily) " Oh yeah! Like I have not heard that kind of jazz for the past thirty-five years! Every day people just have to use alliterative insults at me! Well, get a life, you buffoonish baboon of a bilious blue bunny-boy! Sheesh! Play a robot once and you get typecast as a servile mechanism your whole life!

C-Threepio:"At least you got a dramatic role! How would you like to be just a comedy relief?

Robby:"Or a Sci-Fi Museum piece?"

R2-D2:"Buh-Wheet-beep-boop!"

C-Threepio:" Yes. What he said."

Babs:"What *did* he say?"

C-Threepio:" He said it could be worse - we could be owned by Bill Gates."

CUT TO:

(The outer office door opens and in walks Bill Gates)

Gates:(to the robots, clasping his hands together in anticipation) "Hello, I'd like to show you my new operating system of Windows 2010."

Lost in Space Robot:(waving his arms) "DANGER! DANGER!!"

(All the Robots run screaming out of the office in a stampede flattening Gates, who lies there dazed with tread marks on his face and tiny robots spinning around his head.)

Gates:"But it's only a merger, Mommy! I won't control your *whole*

life..." (He passes out.)

===================================

Hoppo: Oh, hush!! Lemme read the last one! (Reads) And - Bill Gates and the robots in 'Feefzilla, Queen of the Monsters!'

*applause*

Hoppo:(makes a face) Sounds like a bad monster movie? Who'd write a thing like that?!

Pepe K.: Uh.. I did.

Hoppo: YOU? YOU?!! You wrote it??...(does a take) You would.

Pepe K.: Thanks for the vote of confidance. Could you please read the winner?

Hoppo: Sure, sure! (mumbling as she opens the envelope) ..heh, bad sci-fi monster movies..figures. Well, certainly no one would vote for - (looks at the card and the winners name - her eyes go wide!) You! ..ah heh heh heh... looks like yer the winner...

Pepe K.: I am? ..uh...well..

Hoppo: Oh come now! Don't tell me you don't have a speech prepared?! We could never shut you up for long in acting class back in the day!

Pepe K.: Well, uh...thanks very much! I didn't expect it really... but perhaps our cybernetic friends have a few words to say?

*The Lost in Space Robot, Robby the Robot, R2-D2 and C-3PO, A Dalek and K-9, (the robotic dog from Dr. Who), Nomad (from Star Trek) the Robotrix from the original METROPOLIS and IDAK (a pecuilar silver superhero android from Lost in Space) all appear onstage.

The Lost in Space Robot: On behalf of all cybernetic organisms everywhere - we thank you for this award.

C-3PO: Yes, it's certainly nice to get a bit of recognition for our efforts.

*R2-D2 wolf whistles at the female Robotrix*

C-3PO : ..No, Artoo. I sincerely doubt she'll want anything to do with a stubby AstroMech Droid such as yourself... I on the other hand, could have some serious...conversations with her.

*Threepio goes over and begins chatting up the Robotrix and the other robots begin competing for her. Suddenly Bill Gates rushes onstage, putting on a clip-on tie.*

Gates: Sorry I'm late, I was hacking....er ..uhh, creating the next edition of Windows. It'll take possesion of everything on the market!

*The robots all sense an enemy and advance on Gates*

Lost in Space Robot: WARNING! WARNING! DANGER! DANGER!

Robby the Robot: Now that I have full operational capabilites – your services will no longer be required.

K-9: Danger..Mah-stah.

Nomad: _STERILIZE_IMPERFECTIONS! _STERILIZE_IMPERFECTIONS!

The Dalek: EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!

*C-3PO scampers out in fear. R2-D2 escorts the Robotrix offstage, her arm around his dome*

Pepe K.: Uh, Mister Gates? I think you'd better run!

*IDAK, the android slowly begins walking after Gates*

IDAK: Crush..Kill..Destroy! Crush! Kill! Destroy!!

*Gates jumps offstage and runs away up the theatre isle*

Gates:(wagging a finger at the persuing robots) You are about to perform an illegal action!

*He runs towards the exit, only to run into the metallic Terminator Exo-skeleton!*

Terminator: (in the Schwartzenegger voice) "Bill Gates?"

*the scared Gates is grabbed and carried out by the stampedeing robots*

Pepe K.: ...I don't think he'll be back.

Terminator: "No...I'll be back."

*With Gates and the robots gone, Hoppo turns to Pepe and squeezes him in huge hug*

Hoppo: Thanks fer havin' me!

*Pepe starts to leer at her, but she bumps him with her posterior and admonishes him*

Hoppo: Ya never quit, do you?

*Pepe K. shakes his head "no" and smiles*

Hoppo: (leering back at him) Too bad yer married.

Pepe K.: And yer still stuck on ol' Bumblelion!

Hoppo: Well, Hope springs eternal!..Thanks for giving me a spot in the show...and uh.. *she kisses him passionately with her huge lips*...Congratulations...

*releasing him, she waves to the crowd*

(sings loudly) TaTaaaa, Everyone!

*The Hoppopotomus makes a Diva's exit and Pepe K. stands happily - covered with huge lipstick prints all across his face. He smiles dazedly*

Pepe K.: ..Now that's the kind of reward I like!

;)

--Pepe K.

**************************************************

Pepe K.:Welcome back to the UKE Awards! Today's is for the Best Special Effects in a Fanfic!

*Behind him a full-sized helicopter wheels down, out of control, it's engine roaring in protest and slams into the ground, the rotor blades spinning, breaking off and flying past his head, missing him by inches! Pepe seems to ignore it all.*

Pepe K.: The art of Special Effects or SPFX (as we in the business refer to it), began way back in the days of Silent pictures. According to the humans of Reality - cartoons themselves are Special Effects.

*A huge tidal wave comes sweeping towards Pepe, the mountainously high wall of water cresting and pouring ruinously through the city before it, smashing everything in it's path, finally breaking at Pepe's feet, flinging spray slightly into his face. He wipes it away unconcerned and continues.*

Pepe K.: Special Effects are used to create things that would normally be quite impossible by ordinary means - Like huge disasters such as planetary collisions.

*Behind him we see the scene of just such an event from George Pal's sci-fi film "WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE": massive explosions, the Earth being destroyed and a huge winged spaceship flying to another planet.*

Pepe K.: Of course, when we film Special Effects here in the Tooniverse - anything is possible! So tonight, we'll have the biggest special effect of all - star of big and small screen - live and in his own cartoon series! Ladies and Gentletoons - the one and only - Godzilla!

*the ground trembles with intermitant shocks..giant footsteps! The audience murmurs and there are a few shrieks of fear! There's a huge crash and crunch as the roof is ripped off the theatre! As dust and debris falls on the toons in the audience, they panic and run around sreaming! Godzilla's huge face slowly leans down above the entire audience, his menacing teeth and eyes causing many toons to faint! His titanic head swivels slowly as he looks at the stage and his gigantic hand holds the remains of the roof up as if he were opening a Xmas present.*

Pepe K.: Now everyone, Please Remain Clam! - I mean Calm!!

*The crowd settles down to a murmur*

Godzilla is here as our Guest, so let's show him a lil appreciation. After all - he's been the world's biggest star since the early 1950's. Look at all the hard work and bad scripts he's had to put up with all these years just to keep entertaining the world - and he still does all his own stunts! Give it up for Godzilla!

*hesitantly, the crowd applauds, there are a few "Bravo"!'s and the applause builds to a standing ovation.*

*Godzilla waves with his free hand and then opens his huge jaws to do his trademark two-note trumpeting roar with it's acompanying low rumbling growl! The audience dives under their seats in fear!*

Godzilla:(in a low rumbly monstrous voice, he says something that sounds vagely Japanese) "Rrrrstui, UUrsuss eii wannnaahsuubi sammmaree Wanananamaker, ono fujuitsooey rrrakacenfrrrrackken."

PepeK.: (looks in dismay at Godzilla - then at the audience)

....Oops! Oversite number one - I don't speak Japanese... uh..(thinks and looks into the audience) Laika! Laika Romanov!

*The stunningly beautiful jerboa stands up in Dr. Lord's theatre box.*

Laika: Da, Dahlink?

Pepe K.: You speak Japanese, right?

Laika: (winking seductively) Da, Dahlink...I am multi-lingual.

Pepe K.: Yes, my dear - I know all about your tongue, but uh, I need a translator at the moment. Could you please talk to Godzilla?

Laika: But ov course, Tovarish! I bring up Johnny wid me. He can be helpink too.

*Laika turns and takes the hand of Johnny Winters, the snowy owl. He wears the elegant dress uniform of the Royal Navy. Murray Mouse obediantly stands up on the other side of Laika and prepares to go with them. Laika admonishes him gently.*

Laika: No, chilla-boy - you stay here.

*Murray pouts, but re-seats himself obediantly without a word*

Laika: I be back soon. Stay - like good boy. (she kisses and pats his head)

*Laika and Mr. Winters advance to the stage. The statuesque jerboa is dressed in a slinky black silk dress that shines over her every curve. She steps up to the stage wearing red leather high-heeled boots that come up to her thighs. Ever the gentleman, Mr. Winters helps her up the steps.*

J.W.:(In his Sean Connery-like voice) It must be very hard climbing steps in those 7 inch heels, m'dear.

Laika:(smiles) Da - but eetz werth eet.

J.W.: Ah, Pepe! Now what can we do for you?

Pepe K.:Well, you can translate for Godzilla, if you please?

J.W.: Certainly, old chap. He said he is honored to be here. He just wishes it weren't so hard to get across the city. He says he's used to to knocking over buildings and not stepping around them.

*turns to the colossal monster and bows Oriental style*

Now then, shall we proceed?

Godzilla :(bowing in return as much as his position allows him)

Eei charara tsui ecarpo, Negolla dewagii woolldugger...ohi'o!

Laika: Uh..I speak Japanese - but zat's not Japanese.

J.W.: Of course it is - but - it's spoken in the extreme dialect of Odosuara Island - Monsterland, dontyouknow. He asked for the envelope, then he made a joke with a referance to what some alien said in Star Wars Episode 4.

Pepe K.: Oh...ha ha ha. Here's the envelope.

*Godzilla reaches down with his huge clawed hand to take the paper from Pepe. The hushed crowd watches as he delicately rips open the letter as best he can with his tremendous fingers. The huge monster holds it up close to his eyes - then reaches behind himself to pull out a monster-sized pair of eyeglasses. Blushing, he puts them on.*

Godzilla: Eichia Montavani tonka. Ho Ho da Tonka vi attepuh conswela ui goe farb-farb.

Pepe K.: (Quietly under his breath) No wonder he doesn't talk in the movies.

*Godzilla gives him a look*

===================================

Before them lay a huge primitive laboratory. Gigantic and dangerous-looking electrical machines lined the great stone walls, climbing to the mechanical ceiling fifty feet above. Giant ball electrodes hung in groups above the number of control consoles. Heavy old-style electrical knife switches stood ready to activate the dark, bizarre devices. Thick copper cables wrapped ancient waffled ceramic insulators. Enormous iron control wheels and hand-grip levers were mounted on the central control station. A huge round, metal platform stood on a central pedestal and seemed to be the focus of the titanic mechanisms.

The laboratory seemed a strange mixture of the old and the new. Many machines looked antiquated and worn from years of use. Others looked brand new. Row upon row of beakers and scientific glassware filled with odd chemicals and foul-smelling liquids covered old experimental tables and bubbled and smoked like a witch's kitchen. Electrical cables and bare wiring was everywhere. Lord's music underscored the disturbing surroundings.

As Arnold ushered the Toonsters into the monstrous room, jets of steam frequently shot from pressure valves from the massive turbines and generators, nearly hitting them. Plucky scrambled to wrap himself around Shirley, quaking with fear.

===================================

J.W.: Godzilla said "The first nominee is Dr. Lord's Laboratory and the trip to Reality in 'A Time To Every Purpose Unto Heaven - Part 12' by Pepe K."

Pepe K.:(smiles sheepishly) Oh... okay!

*applause*

Godzilla: (reads) Nin wa attepuh gong ho farb-farb.

===================================

As the tempest raged around him, Lord's silver stripes danced with electric charges and as the Toonsters watched, he shuddered with effort and fired a bolt of lightning from his tail up into the ever changing face of the Z'Eye panel! The crack of thunder stunned everyone, but the thunderbolt made the face of his target begin to glow with power!

As he built up to another charge, the Doctor shouted, "Come Shirley! Fire into it!"

Shirley didn't understand it but prepared to do as her Mentor commanded, releasing Plucky's wing and Babs' hand to concentrate her energies.Lord fired a bigger thunderbolt from his tail, making the Z'Eye change color entirely!

"Hit the center!" he yelled over the wind.

Shirley raised her finger and shot her own power into the Z'Eye. It glowed, but less than when Lord's thunderbolt hit it.

"Again!!" the Doctor barked as he watched her progress.

Shirley zapped it with a stronger beam of power, the type she used on Plucky when she was really mad at him. Plucky and the others winced knowing how much power Shirley was expending against her target!

"Again!! Full Power!!" Lord insisted.

The Loon summoned all her strength, raised both arms and fired a thunderbolt like Lord had done - cracking the air with thunder! The Toonsters cheered as Shirley's power made the Z'Eye turn pink!

"Good girl!" Lord shouted with praise as Shirley joined hands with her admiring friends again.

Lord fired once more, this time; a powerful blue thunderbolt from his hand that ripped the air in two with a deafening blast and turned the Z'Eye purple!

As the music and the storm came to a climax, Lord took the controls again.

"That did it - hang onto each other! STAND BY!"

Cheered by witnessing Shirley's success, everyone linked arms and looked up through the Cosmic Diffuser's sparking rings and the Jacob's Ladder's rising waves of electricity and into the fully charged Z'Eye above as it stared down upon their smiling faces.

Lord pulled a lever and shouted "OPEN!!"

The God's Eye did - expanding to an oval shape and throwing tremendous shock waves across the stormy sky all the way to the horizon! The blast over their heads resounded like the crack of doom and the clouds above it parted as though a passage to Heaven had opened!

From the Z'Eye streamed down laser-like beams upon the group, the sparkling rays encompassing them!

"HERE WE GO!!" exclaimed Lord as he grasped the final lever!

Everyone held held each other tight in expectation as he pulled it down.

"TRANSPORT!!"

The light beams grew blinding as the music soared and the mighty Z'Eye descended from above them, hovering down, focusing it's transferal beams tighter and tighter on them. In a flash, the Toonsters de-materialized! By the time the Z'Eye reached the ground - the Cosmic Diffuser, the Jacob's Ladder, the platform and it's occupants had disappeared.

--------------

Across the vast reaches of space - in another dimension - the Toonsters and Lord were materializing in a grand old room. They still held onto each other tightly and Babs and Plucky were still screaming at the top of their lungs when all of a sudden they could see and hear again.

--------------

"W-where are we, Doc?" Babs asked in astonishment.

Dr. Lord turned and said calmly "Vermont."

===================================

J.W.: He says the next nominee is the Time Travel sequence in 'A Time To Every Purpose Unto Heaven - Part 12' by Pepe K.

*applause*

Laika: Dot iz pretty much being the same thing, da?

Pepe K.: Da...I mean yes...I guess I'm farb-farb.

Godzilla: Ayechoo....nawastzi farb-farb kie wandu hi dwana doe eet - Feefzirra!

===================================

FADE IN

Wide Angle Shot of Acme Acres City -VIDEO -

"ACME Eye-witless News" logo on the screen. An older human toon with glasses, a hat and a pipe appears with a microphone, speaking to the Camera. Police sirens and whirling red and white lights flash in the background. The Camera is shaky)

Reporter:" This is Hezakiah Uriah of the Acme Gazette reporting to you 'Live' from the Disaster at Acme Acres! A short time ago, a giant monster appeared and began destroying the city! Just where it came from and how, no one seems to know, but it appears to resemble a giant skunk! So far, the authorities have been unable to handle this crisis!"

(The video camera pulls back, showing a leviathan Fifi walking between the buildings as though they were toys.)

Reporter:" She's as tall as a forty story building and has stamped a number of the skyscrapers flat."

(Sounds like thunderclaps roll, as Fifi plays hop-scotch in the background, throwing a car around as a marker, then hopping back and forth, pounding monstrous footprints deeply into the streets.)

Reporter:"The giant skunk appears to be...uh.. female."

(In the Background, Fifi's head moves down into the camera and she waves to it and scares the Reporter away.)

Fifi: (Her huge face in the Camera) "VOUS BETTAIR BELIEVE EET! AH AM FEEFZILLA!! HEAR MOI ROAR!

Reporter: (Running away) "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

(Camera screen falls sideways as the Camera is Knocked over, going to static)

===================================

J.W.: He says that the final nominee - and the winner - is "Feefzilla: Queen of the Monsters" also by Pepe K.!

*wild cheering*

Laika: It seemz you ween another one, Farb-Farb. Congratulations, comrade!

*She kisses the skunk till his eyeballs roll out of his ears. Mr. Winters kindly hands them back to Pepe.*

J.W.: Well, done old man! Glad to've had a hand in it!

Godzilla: Quinsetli, posili kay locco weed, guinsu chopper kneefay! Im fukare ni how watusi Feefzirra!

J.W.: Hmmm.. Godzilla says that since he inspired the first Feefzilla - he'd like to be in the sequel...or else!

Pepe K.: Or else what?

J.W.: Or else he'll drop the roof on us, Farb-farb.

Laika: A werd to de wise, Pepe dahlink. Never argue wid a 100 meter tall fire-breathing monster.

Pepe K.: (shrugging) Who am I to argue with the world's biggest star? Tell him Farb-farb said okay.

*The ground trembles again! Only this time, it's not from Godzilla! Huge pink hands appear on the other side of the open roof and Babzilla looks down upon the scared crowd!*

Babzilla: Hey! As long as threats from giant monsters are working - I want equal billing in the next flick too! C'mon!

Pepe K.: It was already planned that way, Babs.

Babzilla: YAAAAAAAAY! I'll be a big star again!!

*she bounces around the building, shaking it to it's foundation and scaring everyone. Godzilla frowns at her *

Godzilla: Waloo jui oleo sidre fanu, wallawallabing bang whatswa aye seeyur tushi!

Babzilla: (Suddenly staring at him in disbelief) WHAT??! Whadaymean I'm naked?!!?

*She runs off screaming - the ground wobbling and quaking as she runs off to hide! Godzilla smiles in triumph*

Pepe K.: Gee, I didn't know Babs could speak "Monster".

Fifi's greatly amplified voice: She'z fluent een "whale" - zo why not een Monster too?

*A giant purple and white tail waves over the building as Feefzilla peers into the proceedings like Godzilla is already doing. Everyone gasps at the sight, then applauds as Feefzilla smiles and waves to them. She then reaches down to pick up Pepe K. in her giant hand*

Pepe K.:Uh! We won, Fifi!....uh.. please be gentle with moi!

*The giant skunkette holds him in one paw*

J.W.: Uh, Pepe old man?! Do you require assistance?

*But Pepe is blissfully smiling as Feefzilla's furry purple fingers hold him closely*

Laika:(smirking) I am theenkink he may not want to be rescued.

Pepe K.:( laying back in the palm of Fifi's huge paw with a deep sigh of contentment)

This is the best sort of reward! Thanks everyone!

Pepe K.

**************************************************

*clambers onto the balcony of the balcony box hes seated in and hangs off of the railing by his tail , and begins to pan his head around in an arc using his ears to get an exact position on pepe due to his not exactly perfect vision, he then proceeds by pulling off his bow tie , pulls its elastic between his thumb and forefinger aind aims at pepes head, closes one eye, and flicks the bow tie like a rubber band directly onto pepes nose at high speed*

*clambers back over the railings to his seat mumbling something about a bad script*

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Murray Mouse: lull hunter

Armed with: Big stick

**************************************************

"Hold, it, hold everything!" shouts HKU as he stands up and tromps up onto the stage.

"I feel obiged to point out that an error has been made. Godzilla, or Gojira as he is known in his native land, is *not* "100 meters" tall, and I can prove it!"

Reaching into his pocket, HKU pulls out 1st a 10.5x14 foot folding screen and quickly sets it up. Then he pulls out an older Sony 1044VPHQ 3 gun CRT video projector, and quicly convereges it to properly display images on the said screen. (Never dismiss the benefits of working for a hotel AV company when they wanna get rid of old "obsolete" equipment.) Then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a Pioneer combination DVD/Laserdisc player, and then a Laserdisc copy of the movie, "Godzilla King of the Monsters."

Popping the disc into the player, he then pulls the remote control for the thing out of his pocket and punches a few of the keys on the device. After a few seconds, there is a press confernce scene appearing on the screen, and one of the speakers clearly declares that Godzilla is "400 feet" tall.

"See," HKU asks the audience. "What did I tell ya?"

Shaking his head in amazment that such a well known factoid of movie history could be so innacurately presented, HKU quickly stuffs his projection equipement back onto his pockets. "Oh yeah, that's about 122 meters if for some unknown reason you wanna be metricly inclined."

With a final shake of his head, HKU returns to his seat.

Kevin

**************************************************

Oh thank you so much, Mister picky-picky.

To quote Raymond Burr in the film: "He's as tall as a Thirty Story building."

How big *exactly* is a meter? More than 3 feet, the last time I checked. A fraction over 39 inches. You do the math - it adds up.

Godzilla also appeared in many, many, many films other than the first. He was smaller as time went on. Sheesh!

Pepe K.

**************************************************

(Abel looks down at the digression from his private box and chuckles)

"Yeah... that Metric stuff does tend to get confusing. Up here in Canada we're still converting even down to old songs"

(Pulls out a Ukulele and starts to sing....)

"She's a centimeter shorter than a meter and a quarter And every millimeter of her's in working order...Has anybody seen my gal?"

(Before he can continue a pie hits him in the face effectively silencing the sable. Beside him Enna dusts her hands off and grins.)

"I knew that 'aving a spare on 'and was a good idea."

Abel DuSable

**************************************************

Congratulations once again Pepe for winning the UKE for Best Special Effects in 'Feefzilla: Queen of Monsters'. I'm sure your trophy case must be groaning (literally!) from the weight of all the awards you've won so far. :)

Speaking of awards, I'd like to thank those who voted for the cast of Feefzilla for Best Cameo. I had so fun that I sometimes wish I'd gone into cartoons instead of the Navy. :) Ah well, "Duty before pleasure" as my father always said.

I'd also like to thank Pepe for asking Laika and I to translate for Godzilla during his presentation of the awards ceremony. I knew my study of various Japanese dialects would come in useful someday. :)

Since Laika and I won our first UKE Awards for 'Feefzilla', we've decided to display them at the Caravan of Dreams for everyone to see. In fact, I'll be throwing a party for everyone after the ceremony tonight.

Admission is free and so is all the champagne you can drink. So as you yanks are so fond of saying, be there or be square! :)

Johnny Winters

**************************************************

[...unWARP!!!]

Good evening.

*******

Once again, the Mexicans of the TTA List interrupt everything by marching and cheering, "¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!" as they cross the stage. Once they leave, The J.A.M. pokes his head out and explains again,

"Mexico 2, Ecuador 1. My condolences to the *other* Calamity Coyote of this list, since he's from Ecuador."

The cheers of ¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!! ¡¡¡MEXICO!!!" slowly faded away as the soccer fans left.

*******

Until next time, remember:

I AM THE J.A.M.

Good evening.

[WARP!!!]

**************************************************

*Feefzilla's giant hand replaces Pepe K. back behind the podium. He wobbles with a blissful grin on his face for a bit before coming to his senses.*

Pepe K.: ...Ahem! And now we'll continue the Occurance Within the Plot part of the UKE Awards. Today's is the "Best Classes Not Found on TTA (in The Original Series)". And to aid moi in this is the Principal of Acme Loo - Bugs Bunny!

*Wild applause as Bugs enters to the tune of "What's Up Doc?" Bugs wears a scholar's black robes and mortarboard hat*

Pepe K.: Also we have two of his best professors; Mr.& Mrs. Porky Pig!

*More wild applause as Porky and Petunia enter, similarly attired to the tune of "The Merry-Go-Round Broke Down"*

Pepe K.: ...Annnd.... then there's Daffy.

*Daffy sticks his head out from the wings, a sour look on his sour puss.

....crickets chirp*

Daffy: HEY!...Is that any way to introduce an artiste`, a gentleman, a scholar - AND a UKE Winner??!!??

Pepe K.:Yer right Daffy - Ladies and gentletoons - I give you our recent Best Looney Toon in a fanfic - Mister Daffy Duck, artiste`!

*wild applause as Daffy appears in a similar scholarly outfit, but with a blinking neon sign on his back saying "Artistic Genius"*

Daffy: Thank you! Thank you!

(Quietly to the others) You may bow and scrape now.

Petunia: Now Daff, that's not very nice!

Porky: W-w-w-we were nominated too, Daffy!

Daffy: But you *didn't* win. I DID! It was Me!Me!Me!

Bugs: Heh, I won last year.

Daffy: But *I* won this year. And *I* am going to gloat about it...On account of *I* am greedy.

Pepe K.: Ahem! May we continue? This UKE Award goes to the Best new class at Acme Loo. The nominees are?

===================================

"I hope you're better tomorrow", he told her, "Oh by the way, Doctor Lord wants the History class to assemble at his house on Monday morning. He'll be taking us to Reality for a field trip."

"Hmm, ah wondair where he'll take us" she wondered.

"I dunno, but it sure will be exciting!"

===================================

Petunia:(reading the card Pepe hands her) History 3000 in "A Time To Every Purpose Unto Heaven" written by Pepe K.and conducted by Doctor Lord.

*applause*

===================================

"Mister Principal, apparently there isn't a flight school at Acme Looniversity?"

"Nope, not much call fer it nowadays...it's really a shame!" said Bugs.

"Y-y-ye - uh I agree! We r-r-really ought to have one, ya know." said Porky smiling as Hamton hung on their every word.

"I believe we might find enough eager students" said Lord, tongue-in-cheek.

"ME!" yelled Hamton.

"Undt me!" called Arnold as he returned.

"And me!" said Buster.

"You, Buster???" asked Hamton.

"Hey, as long as I'm the pilot and not the passenger I can do it!" Buster explained.

"Who knew?" Babs shrugged. Then, with a bounce, she said,"Me too!"

Everyone looked at her, aghast! The pink bunny was taken aback.

"What? Is it so hard to see Babs Bunny flying a airplane over Acme Acres?"

Bugs looked at Porky.

"We'll need alot of insurance!" he warned.

"Hey!" Babs pouted.

"Okay - yer all in!" Bugs said.

"YAAYY!" shouted the Toonsters joyfully.

Lord leaned down to the ecstatic Hamton.

"So, perhaps in a few months - you'll be flying this Fokker D VII."

This was too much for Hamton, who promptly fainted with a silly grin on his face. The whole group continued their discussion of an Acme Loo flight school as they walked into the rear door of Lord's mansion.

===================================

Porky:(also reading) A-and the Acme L-l-le-l-loo Flight School as di-d-dia-discussed in "A Time To Every Purpose unto H-heaven" Part Ten also by P-p-p-pepe K.!

*applause*

Daffy: (grabbing the card) Here, lemme see that thing!... And the Winner is - Dramatic pause - History 3000!

*wild applause as Doctor Lord and his entourage come up to the podium (Fifi, Hamton, Pepe Le Pew, Penelope, Arnold and Mae Bear) Bugs hands him the award*

Lord: Thank you very much for this honor, Bugs.

Bugs : Just keep dem kids safe in dat class, Doc. I don't want nobody gettin' hoit in Reality, ya know?

Lord: I'll do my best. Andy Fox will be backing us up on our excursions and he's just as concerned as you are.

Petunia: What exactly will you be doing, Doc?

Lord: The class will be learning precisely what happened aboard the USS MONITOR and the CSS VIRGINIA in the year 1862. And quite alot did. Both ships were the first ironclad ships of war ever to face each other in battle. They held the fate of the blockade, possibly the Nation, by a few inches of iron plating - and both were tragically lost before the year was out.

Porky: You m-m-mean the Monitor and the Merrimack?

Daffy (aside to Bugs) I can't believe he didn't stutter that to pieces.

*Pepe K. shushes Daffy*

Lord: Yes. Originally the USS MERRIMACK, the Confederates re-built and re-named her VIRGINIA after she was burned and scuttled by the Union forces.

Bugs: And duh kids'll be goin' through dat too?

Lord: Yes. That's when the race between the Union and the Rebels began to see which ship could be built first in order to beat the other - the VIRGINIA so that she could destroy the blockade and liberate the South - and the MONITOR so that she could destroy the VIRGINIA and save the blockading ships.

Porky: Sounds d-d-d-dangerous!

Lord: Nobody ever said war was a picnic... However, let's not dwell on that. I should like to mention a bit about the Flight School which we're planning.

Bugs: Yeah! Dat should plenty 'uh fun teaching de kids ta fly!

Porky: I can use my old M-m-m-monoplanes from the 40's!

Bugs: I kin fly me old Sopwith Carrot!

Lord: Sopwith Carrot??

Bugs: Yeah, me ol biplane from "The Dumb Patrol".

Yosemite Sam:(Jumping up onstage) Good! Ah kin fly mah Siemmens Schukert! ... An' blast yuh agin!! Heheheheh!

Daffy: I'll fly my P-40 Warhawk!

Porky: Uh, w-w-wasn't that a P-36?

Daffy: Eh..same differance!

Hamton: You'll fly yer Fokker Triplane, won't you Professor?

Lord: Yes. We'll all be training you as pilots. Since Arnold knows how to handle difficult engines, he'll fly the other rotary-engined plane: a Fokker D VIII.

Arnold: Ach! "Der Flying Razor"!

Lord: Fifi will be flying the best French fighter plane - the choise of the Aces - the SPAD XIII.

Fifi: Like Georges Guynemer, Renè Fonk and ze leading American Ace, Eddie Rickenbacker!

Hamton: ..And me?

Lord: You'll get possibly the best fighter of the Great War - your favorite - the Fokker D VII.

Hamton: OBOY!!

*As Hamton does various wild excitement takes all over the stage, Pepe K. speaks aside to the audience*

Pepe K.: And you'll see it all happen in the first sequal to "A Time To Every Purpose Unto Heaven" - "TOON SQUADRON!"

Pepe K.

**************************************************

Pepe K.: Since tonight marks my final turn as a Presenter, I thought I'd go out with a bang.

*A black bomb falls out of the sky into his hands! Pepe does the "Chuck-Outta-Luck" pathetic eyeballs take and then BOOM!!! He's covered with soot and cinders.*

Pepe K.: (coughs) ..That's not exactly what I had in mind..

*A giant laser zapper extends mechanically onstage from the wings! ZAAAAAAP!! Pepe is reduced to a pile of ashes with eyeballs on top. Porky Pig comes onstage in his Eager Young Space Cadet outfit with his "Acme Intergrating Pistol" and zaps Pepe back into existance*

Porky: T-t-there you are, y-y-your s-s-s-skunkyness! (exits)

Pepe K.:(all wobbly but undaunted) As I was s-singing - signing - er SAYING...Tonight's award is for-

*A bundle of dynamite sticks comes rolling in from off stage right with a lit fuse! Pepe trys to blow it out frantically, but... BOOOM!!! He is again blackened, his smoking jacket is now a smoking tattered jacket. Caught in the middle of blowing, all his teeth drop out except one and fall on his tongue to form an igloo. Pepe grins with his gums, then turns away to fix his dental work. He turns back and smiles, his toothy grin now looking like the black and white Cartoon Network sign. The audience laughs, Pepe notices and turns away to fix them again. Snickers are heard from the wings*

Pepe: Lucky I lost my wisdom teeth a long time ago.....as being here certainly proves it..

*he looks offstage at Slappy Squirrel and Andy Fox, who stop laughing and whistle innocently. Pepe grins wickedly and speaks very fast*

Pepe K.: Tonight's award is for Best Use of Psuedo-Science! And our first Nominee is Andy Fox for his Non-autobiographical Biography of himself - "N"!

===================================

As I wandered between star cluster and stellar phenomena, passing between dimensions and planes of reality, I became aware that someplace, something seemed to be calling to me--not Earth, but some existence elsewhere. I had a feeling that I should go somewhere else. The encounter with Earth had somehow strengthened this pull to an alternate plane of existence. I followed the call as I slipped out of this universe and reality. I passed through several dimensional barriers and strange energy envelopes before arriving at my destination.

At first my destination seemed to look exactly like the universe I had just come from. Shortly, though, I discovered some very unusual things were going on in this new place. For starters, the physical make-up and properties here were completely unique to anything I had seen thus far. Also, for some reason this place felt very natural to me. I looked about and noticed I was near a planet that bore somewhat of a resemblance to that Earth planet I had found before. I descended to the planet's surface and found on it beings very similar to me: not visually, of course, but fundamentally. The physical forces that bound their corporeal forms together and the energy patterns that formed the fibers of their being were much more like my own energy patterns than those of the beings I had seen on Earth. And, to my surprise, some of these life forms bore a striking resemblance to some of the life forms I had seen on Earth. But these life forms looked much simpler, and displayed such physical flexibility and alteration abilities that any Earth creature trying to duplicate them would end up spending their remaining days in a body cast. I had found a universe comprised of cartoons characters, a *Tooniverse* if you will, and the life forms there referred to themselves as *Toon*s. Of course, at the time I had no idea what a cartoon was.

===================================

*Andy is nonplussed, but walks onstage with big smile to shake hands with Pepe. Wild Applause! The two grin at each other. Offstage, Slappy is just lighting another bomb when Pepe continues*

Pepe K.: And his entourage - Slappy Squirrel!

Slappy: Huh?! (She hides the sizzling bomb behind her back) Who, Me?

Pepe K.:(grins) Suuuure! Come on out, Slappy! Bring Skippy too!

Skippy:(up in the baclony, surrounded by cute squirrel-girls) No thanks! I'm good!

Slappy: (considers, then walks out with the lit bomb in her paw)....Eh, why not? I could use some free publicity.

*As she walks slowly by, she opens Dizzy Devil's mouth like a trash bin and drops the bomb in. Dizzy smiles blissfully and swallows the bomb. It explodes a moment later, but the Tazmanian Devil merely blushes and grins sheepishly*

Dizzy: 'Scuse Me...Must been someone me ate.

Slappy: Whatcha want, Skunk-boy?

Pepe K.: Merely to congratulate one of our foremost scientists.

*Andy smiles*

...Slappy..? ..Is that a riding crop?

Slappy: (After trying to hide it behind Andy's back momentarily) Uh - yeah! The Fox here and I are doin' a "Hogan's Heros" takeoff! Ain't that right, Fox?

(Spin-changes into a WW2 German Commandant and slaps her thigh with the riding crop and yells) SCHULLLLLLLLTZE!

Andy:(spin-changes into a long WW2 german infantry coat and helmet, he salutes) Javol - Herr Commandant!!

Slappy:(very accusatory, she pokes him with the riding crop) Is it true that Colonel Hogan is actually a Allied operative for the Underground who sabotages our war efforts and helps Allied prisoners to escape?!?!

Andy: I see Nu-thing! I hear Nu-thing!! I know -- Nu-thing!!!

Slappy: (hitting him on the helmet) Dumkopft!!!

Pepe K.: Okay! (quietly) nice save.. Anyway! Our second nominee is Doctor Lord and the Time Travel Sequence in "A Time To Every Purpose Unto Heaven Part 12"!

===================================

As he built up to another charge, the Doctor shouted, "Come Shirley! Fire into it!"

"Hit the center!" he yelled over the wind.

Shirley raised her finger and shot her own power into the Z'Eye. It glowed, but less than when Lord's thunderbolt hit it.

"Again!!" the Doctor barked as he watched her progress.

"Again!! Full Power!!" Lord insisted.

The Loon summoned all her strength, raised both arms and fired a thunderbolt like Lord had done - cracking the air with thunder! The Toonsters cheered as Shirley's power made the Z'Eye turn pink!

"Good girl!" Lord shouted with praise as Shirley joined hands with her admiring friends again.

Lord fired once more, this time; a powerful blue thunderbolt from his hand that ripped the air in two with a deafening blast and turned the Z'Eye purple!

As the music and the storm came to a climax, Lord took the controls again.

"That did it - hang onto each other! STAND BY!"

Lord pulled a lever and shouted "OPEN!!"

From the Z'Eye streamed down laser-like beams upon the group, the sparkling rays encompassing them!

"HERE WE GO!!" exclaimed Lord as he grasped the final lever!

Everyone held held each other tight in expectation as he pulled it down.

"TRANSPORT!!"

--------------

"W-where are we, Doc?" Babs asked in astonishment.

Dr. Lord turned and said calmly "Vermont."

===================================

*applause as Doctor Lord walks onstage*

Lord: Thank you, Pepe.

Andy: And I helped!

Lord: True. Andy has been and shall be instrumental in the Toonsters' trips through Time and Dimension.

Slappy : Or Dementia. ...heheh.

===================================

(Calamity walks to the Control Panel of the Dangerous and Bizarre-looking, Booth-like Device and pulls a lever marked "The Works". )

QUICK CUT TO:

(Hamton reacts in horror in SLOW MOTION and runs to stop them!)

Hamton:" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

QUICK CUT TO:Wide Shot (Normal Speed -of the Lab as the Machine roars to life! Lights blink! Electricity arcs! Sparks fly! There's a terrible ear-splitting shriek!! Zapping Noises fill the air!!)

Fifi's Voice:(From inside the Machine) "How you say? - YEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!"

QUICK CUT TO:

(Close Up Angled Shot of Wile E. and Andy looking shocked - Wile E. leaps into Andy's arms)

QUICK CUT TO:

(Close Up Angled Shot of Calamity aghast!)

QUICK CUT TO:

(Close Up Angled Shot of the Machine blasting and bouncing!)

QUICK CUT TO:

(Close up Angled Shot - SLOW MOTION - of Hamton's face, Horrified!) (All sound dies. Only a heartbeat is heard as he leaps to the Control Panel, stepping on Calamity and finally pulls the switch to the "OFF" position!)

CUT TO:

( NORMAL SPEED - Wide shot of the whole laboratory with Andy, Wile and Calamity between Hamton and the Machine. They are looking at him - he is watching the Machine behind them and sweating nervously. Suddenly, the Machine begins to bulge and expand as Something inside it grows!)

CUT TO:

(Medium Shot of the group as they look at each other. Slight smoke fills the air. Disaster is in the offing!)

Wile E.: "Just what were you doing in there, Hamton?"

(Hamton stares at him in shock)

Andy Fox:"Are you aware that your face is covered with lipstick? I was wondering if you were aware of that, Hamton."

(Hamton's head spins between the two older toons in confusion, then stops to stare in horror behind them. His pupils become tiny as his eyes grow to their widest!)

Wile E." Do I have your attention, Mister Pig?"

CUT TO:

Close up of Hamton's face as it turns pale and white. There is a growing RUMBLE, the source of which only he can see.)

Fifi's Voice:(Greatly Amplified) "VOUS LEAVE MAH PIGGY ALONE!"

(A huge purple fist squashes Wile E. to the floor, then lifting away to let him spring up, completely pleated. He makes an accordion sound. Wile and the others freeze wide-eyed in terror as they feel a tremendous presence behind them. Slowly, they turn and then back away in fear as we)

CUT TO:

(Fifi's gigantic face glaring angrily at them! She is huge! We can only see her head filling the screen! Her eyes alone are bigger than Wile E. and he and the others back away slowly, trembling with fear. Fifi's huge dark purple irises stare at them, her eyelids half-closing menacingly. Her huge jaws move as she speaks, her teeth are now enormous)

Fifi:"NOBODY PICKS ON MAH BOYFRIEND!"

(Her colossal head pulls back and up, up, up - revealing a tremendous body, the remnants of her green dress are just tiny shreds of fabric that fall off of her. Like a dinosaur, she stands up and slowly walks away, the ground shakes like an earthquake as her monstrous purple feet trample down the walls and smash the building! Her tail - bigger than her body - follows and levels the whole side of the Looniversity! Screams are heard. The gargantuan skunkette disappears out of sight, leaving behind a flattened, harmless, squashed-looking booth-like device that looks hopelessly wrecked and a crushed building. As her mighty footsteps resound in the distance, Calamity holds up a sign bearing a single word.

"Oops!"

===================================

Pepe K.: And the third and final nominee is - "Feefzilla - Queen of the Monsters" when Calamity's machine makes Fifi huge!

*applause as Calamity Coyote walks onstage with Wile E. Coyote*

Andy: I was in that too!

Wile E.: So was I.. much to my deep regret.

Pepe K.: Why, Wile? You had a major part in it! Didn't you like it?

Wile E.: My dear fellow. In my time I have been blasted, blown up, frozen, and flattened. Gravity is my adversary. However, I draw the line at being squashed by a skunk. I refuse to be in the sequal.

Pepe K.:(aside) Actors. Okay, I'll.. I'll put in a...a romance! - with the Chief Scientist...a cute vixen!

Andy: Huh?!

Slappy: (hitting his helmet again) Hey!

Pepe K.: I mean uh -- a cute lady coyote!

Wile E.: Hmmm..on the other hand one shouldn't be too hasty..Me in a romantic role? (he smiles)... I shall consider it.

*Calamity holds up a sign* "Can I have one too?"

Pepe K.: Er, uh - we'll talk. Do lunch. We'll see. In any case - the Winner - of the Best Use of Pseudo-Science goes to....(reads) :

"Feefzilla, Queen of the Monsters!" by uh... moi!

*wild applause as Pepe K. bows*

Slappy: So..ya won again, heh?

Lord: Well, in a way, we all won. Calamity made the Super-Enlarger machine, Wile E. and Andy and Calamity all starred in the film, Pepe wrote and directed it and I produced it.

*Calamity's sign asks* "You did?"

Andy: He runs Dynasty Systems.

Lord: Quite. So Congratulations Pepe, and everyone!

*applause as they all shake hands and paws. Lord returns to his theatre box*

Pepe K.: Thank you all so very very much for this award! However, I can't help but think we have forgotten something..oh yes! Slappy? Were you and Andy blowing me up before?

Slappy: Heh ha! Sure! Just havin' a lil fun.

Pepe K.:This reminds moi of a really short, but funny cartoon.

Slappy: Yeah, which one?

SQUOOOSH!

*The Titanic foot of Feefzilla comes punching through the roof and squashes Andy and Wile E. flat underfoot. Her gigantic nail-polished toe-claws shine a pretty shade of red and flex for a moment*

Pepe K.: "Bambi Versus Godzilla".

Fifi's huge voice: (from above) Deed ah mees anytheeng?

Andy:(muffled) No, you were right on target.

Wile E.:(also muffled) Okay! Now - I want script approval!!

Pepe K.: Uh, Fifi? I think I need to make a quick departure - could you get moi outta here, please?

Fifi: Sairtanlee, mon cher!

*Fifi's giant hand reaches down to pick up Pepe K. and his UKE Award. He smiles to the audience*

Pepe K.: Well, thank you all so very very VERY much for these awards and the honor of being the Presenter for this part of the continuing UKE Awards!

*Feefzilla's monstrous-sized foot rises off the Fox and the Coyote, leaving them looking like accordians*

Pepe K.:(waving) On with the Show! Take it away, J.A.M.!

*wild applause as Fifi carrys Pepe away. Slappy plays Andy Fox like an accordian, playing "The Roadrunner Song" while Calamity uses a bicycle pump to inflate his mentor. He overinflates Wile into a balloon, which slips off the pump and rasberries all through the theatre.*

Slappy:(aside to the audience) Heh ha! Now *that's* Comedy!

Pepe K.