Title: From an Anonymous Source
Author: Serendipity
Rating: T
Word Count:
Notes: This doesn't really count as a continuation of the plot after 'Misadventures', but it is spawned from it: Michelangelo has composed a helpful pamphlet about Asshole Penalties.

Preface: If you are the normal American, you have never heard of an Asshole Penalty. Unless, of course, you're a member of the Foot, in which case it's pretty much well known. However, this pamphlet is not for the Foot, it is for the poor, innocent people who suffer from Asshole Penalty Splash Damage Syndrome, more commonly known as APSD, or for those who may have a problem and are as of yet unable to admit it. But what, you must be asking, is an Asshole Penalty?

Don't make the mistake of taking it lightly, because it's a very serious condition! An Asshole Penalty is strongly linked to the phenomenon that is karma, and it's defined as the consequences of a jerk action going way above and beyond what the standard effect should be. Like, for example, a person stealing a skateboard falls off of it while on a bridge, lands on a garbage track, and gets dumped in a landfill. Mondo bizarro, and a great way to wreck your day.

What Should I Do?

Let's say you have made the discovery that you are suffering from Asshole Penalty! What do you do? The answer is simple: be less of an asshole. Save kittens from trees. Help old people cross the street. And if your name is Raph, hide in your room and stay there and save the rest of us from having to look at you or talk to you, because that's just how bad you are! And make sure to will all of your stuff to your local Mikey.

Innocent Bystanders

If you are not a chronic asshole, as far as you know, and you still find yourself suffering from events that are far and beyond what consequences SHOULD be, you might be suffering from APSD. Some assholes engage in such crazy events of utter assholery that the AP is huge, and hundreds of innocent people who just happen to be close by can be caught up in the surging tsunami of that person's karma. If it's at all possible, it's good to cut off all ties with the asshole until he joins Assholes Anonymous and decides to turn to the side of Good. Unless if his name is Raph, who is filed under H for Hopeless and has the rare A chromosome, which ties being an asshole into his DNA. FLEE FROM THIS TURTLE. RUN, BEFORE THE WRATH OF GOD HITS HIM.

RUN.

An Interview With An Expert

People who suffer from Asshole Penalties aren't really the best people to ask questions to, since they usually snap and bite off your head and throw bike grease at you, which is pretty rude. So, in the interest of science, we got the next best thing: a victim of secondhand AP, this awesome scientist who we will call D, in the interest of his protection.

M: So, D, do you think that the whole Asshole Penalty stuff has impacted your life?

D: Oh, yes. Just the other day, went to the grocery store with me and kicked a vending machine because it ate his quarters. Then his foot went through the plastic and we had to pry it out with Crisco. Actually, that was pretty funny.

M: Ha ha, it sounds awesome! Any APSD in play there?

D: Well, now that you mention it, the vending machine did fall over after we yanked his foot out, and landed on me. I managed to push it away, but that was hazardous. Thirteen people a year are killed by vending machines falling on them, you know.

M: No, I didn't. So, the asshole penalty showered its splash damage on you and NEARLY KILLED YOU.

D: I'm traumatized.

M: As you should be. Incidentally, was this asshole named Raph?

D: I think I can't mention the name.

M: Of course not.

In Closing

We hope that you found this pamphlet helpful and informative, and that you're leaving now knowing more about the sad problem that Asshole Penalties represent. For all those of you who have now been diagnosed, go and seek help immediately, for the good of your friends and family! For those of you who are victims of Raph Abuse, please call our toll-free hotline for immediate support. And Raph, if you are reading this, may GOD have mercy on your SOUL.

A candlelight vigil will be held on the eighteenth of June for all the brave martyrs who will probably have died for this cause, once this pamphlet is spread around.

Bring pizza.