"If winter is slumber and spring is birth, and summer is life, then autumn rounds out to be reflection. It's a time of year when the leaves are down and the harvest is in and the perennials are gone. Mother Earth just closed up the drapes on another year and it's time to reflect on what's come before." – Mitchell Burgess.
I have never been one to sit and reflect on my life and the choices that I have made, I've been one to sit and fester but not reflect. But her being back in my life has forced me to make many changes and I find myself doing things that I would never have expected to be doing again, like sleeping with my arms round a warm body or watching someone sleep. For christ sake, I don't watch people sleep, but I find myself doing it. The strangest thing about it is that the choices that I make, don't just affect me, they affect someone else now.
One time I rushed into a case, all guns blazing, without thinking and had gotten myself shot in the shoulder. I have never seen her so angry as when she stood at the foot of my hospital bed. Her hands clenched by her sides, to stop her self from strangling me.
"How could you?" She whispered, almost as if she didn't trust herself to speak.
"How could I what?" I had answered, rather blasé, which had irritated her even more.
"You could have died." She replied, her voice still low. It always worried me when she was quiet. Shouting I could deal with but when she got quiet was when I knew I was in real trouble.
"I could have died a lot of times, it goes with the job Jen." I answered, wanting to see how far I could push her, the sadistic part of me wanting to see how much she hurt. Evidently she didn't want to play my game because she slapped me, hard, round the face.
"But now you would have left me." She spat and whirled around, storming out. The silence in the room after she left, and the stinging hand print of my cheek, gave me the perfect opportunity to think. Christ I had been an idiot. Having Jen back in my life shouldn't stop me from doing my job, but it should make me think things through properly. I lifted the phone receiver and dialed the number that was etched into my memory. She hung up after the third ring. I didn't bother leaving a message. I didn't even need to bother to ring her because she came storming back in 10 minutes later as I was trying to ring again. She stared at me, her big green eyes wide. I stared back, trying to think of something to say. She was at my side suddenly, her hands on my face as if reassuring herself I was there.
"I thought…" She trailed off and I continued to stare at her, I have never been good with words, the words I want to say just never come out right. I took her hand and squeezed it, hoping that she would understand.
"It's ok." I said, moving to brush a stray tear that ran down her face. She was quicker, brushing it away furiously, as if showing any sign of weakness was beyond her. "Look at this." I said, gesturing down to her hand in mine. "They stay together ok?"
That was the first time in a long while that I realized that it wasn't just me anymore. It was me and her. I sit looking out over my garden, glass of bourbon in hand, my shoulder aching slightly from the damp, contemplating whether this is right for me, whether I am ready to give up my solitude for her. But when small hands wind around my waist and warm breath tickles my neck, I know there is nothing to contemplate. I may have had to make huge changes, but they were changes worth making. I cover her hands with mine, my fingers winding round to feel her pulse, loving the gentle thump of it beneath my skin and her lips of my neck.
"Look at that." I say, gesturing down to our entwined fingers, wondering if I will ever get bored of the sight.
"They're still together." She says, her voice gentle in my ear.
"Yes they are." I answer, pulling her round into my lap and kissing that mouth that I can never quite get enough of.
V!
xox