A Match made in Hell

by Ri2

The Keybearers have been forcefully invited to the event of the year: Maleficent's wedding. Yes, you heard me. And you'll NEVER believe who the groom is... Pt. 3 of the epilogue is up. All done. Let's celebrate

4. Last Night of Freedom pt 1

Okay, after what feels like a long break, I'm back. Let's get this show started. This chapter was so long I decided to split it in half, or thereabouts, but you'll still get the full experience. It'll just take a while for the other half to get here. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Other than Mastah S, and one other character, all the characters here are owned by other corporations and not myself. Try and figure out where all of the 'guest stars' in this chapter or the next are from! One should be easily recognizable to long-time fans of my work!

Warning: If frequent mentions or hints of sex or drinking offend you, leave now. (Should I up this story's rating to T?)

…

Night had fallen in Dark City. At least, Sora assumed it had. Since there wasn't any sun orbiting the dark world there wasn't any actual such thing as day or night here, but he supposed it was more convenient to designate a certain period of time 'night' so that it would be easier for the city inhabitants who weren't Heartless or Nobodies to get some sleep.

Regardless, night had (supposedly) fallen, and when it had an escort had shown up at the door to Sora, Kairi, and Riku's room to take them to the bachelor and bachelorette parties set up for Pete and Maleficent. The trio (or sextet) were none too happy to have to be split up again, especially since it would leave Kairi and Namine all alone with Maleficent and a number of other evil villainesses, but when their home world was threatened again they were left with no choice but to give in.

Sora, Roxas, Riku and Xehanort had been taken to a busy hangar somewhere in the enormous flying castle and transported down to the city below in a small ship piloted by a cross-eyed Air Soldier and an exceptionally inept Dusk navigator, resulting in a ride that made Sora and Roxas' flying skills (or lack of) look like the mark of ace pilots in comparison. It was a wonder they hadn't crashed into any of the many, many towering skyscrapers which the navigator insisted they had to fly as closely to as possible, or the ships going in the opposite direction that the pilot felt compelled to rocket towards at maximum velocity before veering off at the last possible instant in an airborne game of Chicken which often resulted in the other ship crashing into a building or a different vessel and invariably causing huge aerial traffic jams which occasionally escalated into dogfights.

And it hadn't helped that there were no airsickness bags in the ship, which soon smelled awful thanks to Riku, who had a surprisingly weak constitution, something Xehanort derided him on as much as he could until Riku started singing "It's a Small World," which also had the unfortunate effect of terrifying the pilot and navigator enough that they portalled away, forcing Sora to quickly take the helm before they could crash.

Fortunately, they still managed to make it to their appointed landing site in one piece (although the ship did fall apart the instant they stepped out of it) and they were escorted by burly Kurt Zisa bouncers into the towering night club nearby, which had HOUSE OF VILLAINS written in giant glowing red neon letters over the entrance, framed by flickering electronic signs of Heartless and Nobody insignias, triple Xs, and images of lush female (they thought) figures doing anatomically impossible and disturbing things. Spotlights swung back and forth on the nightclub building's façade, roof, and sides, and illuminated the passing ships overhead. Even from outdoors the boys could hear loud, booming music from inside.

Once they had been led inside, the duo (or quartet) took in the rather vulgar and frightening displays around them. Very loud, almost deafening music boomed from giant sound systems manned by a demonic DJ with no clear rhythm or beat to it, rather a cacophony of sheer random noise which somehow blended together into a song people could dance to. And dance they did, in the large open space taking up most of the first floor of the club, lit by flickering seizure-inducing multicolored strobe lights and a disco ball. Several spiked torture cages dangled from the ceiling or were placed here and there on the ground, and in these cages were imported slave girls, Dancer Nobodies, female (?) Neoshadows and very feminine and curved Heartless, and some of the incredibly attractive demonesses Satan had brought with him, making very suggestive motions as they flung their bodies about and danced around poles, rubbing up against them in ways that made many of the watching partiers drool, hoot, or grab their crotches and pant like rutting dogs. (Actually, some of them were rutting dogs, but that's irrelevant.) More dancers pranced on a stage, strutting their stuff and stripping clothes (those who had any) to the enjoyment of the clubbers, all of which were male, which only made sense as it was a bachelor party. The large banner hanging over the stage said so, even if it did misspell Pete's name. The stage's backdrop was a large movie screen playing images of violence and pornography to heighten the villainous crowd's lust for both.

The first floor was one of many, the bottom of a tall open chamber with numerous higher terraces and levels jutting out from the walls looking down onto the dance floor from above. These upper levels were somewhat less raucous than the lower levels, occupied by tables and chairs for the more refined guests to sit in and dine while watching the dance and wild show below. There were multiple bars, one per floor or terrace, manned by Creeper and Neoshadow bartenders who mixed and brewed beverages by the barrelful for the many thirsty villains who wanted drinks. Tonberry chefs churned out platter after platter of food from the enormous kitchens to satisfy the varied appetites of the partygoers, seeing as how most of them were from different worlds around the universe and were therefore used to different meals.

Satan had commandeered the terrace with the best view at the highest level completely for himself and the other male villains of Maleficent's Dark Circle, along with the soon-to-be-wed Pete, where they enjoyed bouts of drunken debauchery and lechery with Satan's demonic whores the likes of which would sicken the most dedicated alcoholic or sex fiend as they watched the show and displayed flesh down below.

This was all way too much for a somewhat innocent G-rated (PG, on his worse days) young man like Sora to take. "HOLY…this is…what is this place?!"

"A night club," Riku observed, having seen some during his year of training with DiZ. "And a particularly mature one, too."

We had night clubs back in Radiant Garden, Xehanort commented, watching the disgusting spectacle through Riku's eyes. The other apprentices and I went out to have a good time after a long stressful day in the lab. I must say, none of them were ever this, well, mature, to coin Riku's term.

Wow, said an impressed Roxas. They actually did a pretty good job with this place. It was never this lively back when we were running it.

"Y-you've been here before?" Sora gasped, looking around in utter bewilderment and disgust at all the rather grotesque displays and behavior all around.

Yeah, the older members of the Organization (as in, everyone who came before me) built a club in a desperate attempt for entertainment and to try and feel more human. Needless to say, it failed stupendously, mostly because (other than Larxene, who half the time doesn't count) we didn't have any women to ogle, as all the other female Organization members before me had either been murdered by Axel, died in horrible accidents, or killed themselves. We tried kidnapping women to look at, but the Heartless kept devouring them, and the Nobodies they left behind weren't nearly as appealing. Well, to be honest, they weren't appealing as humans either due to our lack of actual sex drives, but we pretended they did, Roxas explained. But after a while we just gave up trying here and visited other worlds for that sort of thing. I'm impressed with how much they've fixed this place up, though. Axel might have liked it here. You know, I think I lost my virginity for the first time in a place like this on some other world…

"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Sora cried, earning him weird looks from partiers, who quickly moved away from him.

"I thought you'd lost your sex drives," Riku pointed out.

Didn't mean we couldn't DO it if we wanted, Roxas said with a shrug. Life in the Castle that Never Was involved long periods of tedium broken by periodic moments of insanity and mass violence. We needed something to do with our time other than spar or try to beat the shit out of each other. Heck, I've slept with most of the Organization at one time or another. The older guys said I made them feel younger somehow…

"What part of TOO MUCH INFORMATION DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!" Sora screamed, banging his head repeatedly on a nearby pole and getting a confused look from the dancer wrapped around it. Xehanort cackled maniacally until Riku threatened to sing a certain song, shutting him up. He sympathetically put a hand on his friend's shoulder when Sora finally stopped hitting himself, staggering and a little dazed. Riku hoped that his best friend didn't have a concussion. "We don't belong here," Sora said despondently. "This isn't the world for us. I want to go home…"

"This may not be a pleasant place, but we have no choice but to be here," Riku pointed out. "Otherwise the Destiny Islands will be destroyed. In any event, if we're here, that means the King and everyone else are here too. If we can find them, we can join in on that diplomatic conference you told us about and get away from all this!"

"Oh yeah," Sora said, cheering up instantly at the prospect of seeing his friends. "Good idea, Riku. But…" He looked around uncertainly. "Where can we find them in all this?"

Riku frowned thoughtfully and sniffed the air. "Hmm…there's too many bodies here. I can't pick up Mickey's scent from all the others."

Let's think about this rationally, suggested Roxas. If the King's arranged for them all to have a conference to discuss a possible union against Maleficent, then they're probably all in the same place. There's too much commotion here on the main floor, so they're probably on one of the upper levels and terraces, where they can get some more privacy and quiet. That's where Xemnas held meetings whenever, for whatever reason, we were all in a place like this.

"Good thinking, Roxas," said a relieved Sora, deciding to leave his other questions for his brother for a later date. "Let's go check it out, Riku."

The duo started off across the dance floor, sticking close to each other and using their Keyblades to push through the rowdy dancers and jumped-up villains and henchmen. Sora tried very hard not to look at the people in the cages, not because he pitied them, but because he was disturbed by what they were doing and how much they seemed to be enjoying it. In doing so, however, he didn't notice some heads turn in their direction as they passed, and as some of those dancers abruptly got out of their cages and followed, much to the disappointment of the lusty men who had been watching them.

Just before the boys could reach the stairs, they found their way blocked by a blue-skinned demoness with three horns and as many eyes…and other parts of the female anatomy. "What'sss thisss?" she hissed, her forked tongue flicking out of her mouth sensually. "Going sssomewhere?"

"Mmmm…" Riku yelped as another demoness grabbed him from behind and took a deep sniff of his hair. "His scent is magnificent…so rich…and dark…" She sighed in a way which caused her rather generous assets to bounce in an almost hypnotizing manner that Sora had to shield his eyes from, much to Roxas' disappointment.

"Not like Master Satan's…but still, so invigorating…so fresh, something new, with the promise of such power…" agreed a third demoness, licking Riku's cheek.

"Uh, Riku…" Sora said anxiously as many more demonesses began clustering around them. "I think you have more fangirls."

Riku groaned. "Oh great, like the girls at school aren't bad enough. Damn my sexy bishounen looks! Damn them! Well, not really, I'd rather be handsome than ugly, but still…"

"Hmm? Oh no, you're actually quite plain by demon standards. You are just a mortal, after all," another demoness said disparagingly, stroking Riku's chest as many other eager demonesses crowded around the boy, pushing Sora out of the way. "But your aura is…intoxicating…"

Hmmph, it must be me they're smelling, said an irritated Xehanort. I would be more flattered if they were not common whores. Leave them Riku, we must be off! Perhaps that rodent king will know of a way we can stop this wedding from taking place…

"Yeah Riku, we have to go," Sora said anxiously, and not the least bit jealous of his friend, though Roxas was slightly. He tried forcing his way back through the growing crowd of demons. "I'm sure you can talk to all your…ah…new friends later…"

"Um, yes," Riku said, trying to work his way out of the increasing number of arms holding and caressing him. "Not that I'm not flattered, ladies, but I really have to be going, I've got a king to see about an alliance. And I'm probably far too young for you anyway."

"Oh, pish posh!" said a demon fondling Riku's hair. "I'm only five billion years old, that's nothing!" Riku and Sora's eyes bulged at this, and Riku struggled all the harder.

"Ladies, please-" he said anxiously.

"Oh no," a demoness whispered seductively into his ear. "We're not letting you go."

"We never let someone as yummylicious as you go without getting to taste him first…and maybe for him to taste us, too," another demon whispered into Riku's other ear.

"Sora, help!" Riku cried, feeling slightly embarrassed rather than frightened, having to be saved from horny attractive women wasn't something most men would be pleased with.

"Riku!" Sora charged forward, only for the demonesses to close circle around Riku, blocking him from Sora's view in a ring three demons deep. The succubi all glared at Sora with smoldering gazes from their many eyes, some of which were in rather disturbing places.

"He's ours now," one demoness hissed. "Get your own!"

"You can have him back when we're through with him," another demon promised. "Though that may not be for a very, VERY long time…we haven't been able to enjoy a soul like this for aeons."

"But until then…get lost!" The demon shoved Sora rudely, her demonic strength sending him flying and crashing through several of the jealous and angry males who had gathered around to see why Riku was stealing all of the most attractive women for himself. Sora hit the ground on the dance floor, knocking over several people, and almost got stomped on by the feet of a very large disco-dancing evil robot and its partner before he could get up. He rolled out of the way with battle-trained reflexes and jumped to his feet, but was jostled from behind by a dancer before he could get his bearings, and was thus knocked into another dancer, and then another, and another, and bounced back and forth and bumped between so many people that by the time he managed to claw his way out of the thrashing mass of bodies he was clear on the other side of the room, and Riku and the demonesses were nowhere to be found.

"Oh no…" Sora whispered, his heart sinking. "Riku…not again!"

He's been kidnapped by uber-hot demons before? Asked a surprised Roxas.

"…No, I meant again as in, he's been taken away from me by dark forces again."

Oh, okay. Guess we have to rescue him, huh?

Sora nodded. "Yes."

You know, I don't really think he's in any danger…

"Roxas!"

Fine, fine, we'll save him, Sora's alter ego grumbled. Sheesh…you really have the hots for him, don't you?

"Roxas!"

What?

…

Kairi wasn't having a particularly good time either at that moment.

"It's been so long since we've all been together like this, isn't it girls?" an ugly warty green witch named Gruntilda asked, wrapping her scarf around her neck and cackling, revealing her three remaining teeth.

"Well, we're not as young as we used to be," lamented the old hag Madame Mim. "We all have our own lives now, and more than enough to occupy our time."

"Kingdoms to overthrow," agreed the incredibly old and ugly Yzma.

"Causes to champion," added the green-skinned (but much less ugly than Gruntilda) Elphaba.

"Magic to perfect," said the sorceress Ultimecia.

"Heroes to defeat," said the red-haired Wuya with a grimace, the other witches making similar faces of disgust and nodding in agreement.

"Nemeses to slay," said the sorceress Nimue darkly.

"Families to raise," grunted the wrinkled Yubaba, thinking of her (very) big baby boy.

"Idiot husbands to keep under control," shrieked Rita Repulsa.

"Wannabe paramours to keep away," said an irritated Lady Bane.

"Schemes to plot," said the duck witch Magica DeSpell with a sigh.

"And all of the other minutiae that keep you occupied on a day-to-day basis," finished Mirage, smiling cattily. (Like she could smile any other way)

"All part of being a witch in the modern age," Maleficent agreed. "And at least we could get together for this special occasion…namely, my wedding. I am very grateful that you could come, my old coven."

"How could we stay away? Especially with all the pretty men," Gruntilda cackled, causing all the many witches present to cackle as well and make Kairi even uneasier.

After being separated from Sora and Riku, Kairi had been taken along with Maleficent's female friends and guests to another night club, though this one was far less rowdy and involved male strippers instead of female ones. And while they were indeed handsome to look at (even if many of them weren't exactly human or even close to it), especially when they came by the table to show off their goods, Kairi wasn't really that interested, or perhaps would have been if she hadn't been forced to sit at a table with a large group of evil witches (Maleficent called them her 'coven') and listen to them cackle maniacally, tell inside jokes, and discuss all the sorts of lovely spells they could cast by disemboweling her and using her innards for magical ingredients.

"She has such lovely hair," whispered one of the three Fates, Lachesis, stroking Kairi's hair and peering at her through the single eyeball the three seamstresses shared.

"And her skin is so soft," agreed Clotho, snatching the eyeball from the protesting Lachesis' socket and rubbing her hand across Kairi's cheek.

"And her eyes are such a beautiful shade of blue," finished the aged Atropos, yanking the eyeball from Clotho and sticking it in her single socket. "Wouldn't you like them, girls?"

"Oh, yes," they said, hands flexing and giving Kairi the impression that they would like nothing better than to pull out her eyeballs and use them for themselves. Kairi wriggled uncomfortably and Namine, still somewhat traumatized by Zexion's experiment, whimpered pathetically.

"If you take her eyes, then I get her teeth," Gruntilda declared, wiggling one of her three between her fingers. "Lord knows I could use some replacements."

"And I could use her skin," said Mim, rubbing her own very wrinkled cheek. "My complexion isn't working for me. And it's not something that shape-shifting really seems to help, either."

"Are you a virgin, dear?" Yzma asked eagerly. A lot of the other witches leaned in enthusiastically at this.

Recalling an old story she had heard that some evil witches tried to preserve their youth by bathing in virgin's blood, Kairi quickly said, "Well, I've slept with a man." This was not exactly a lie, for she had slept between Sora and Riku many times on the beach or at sleepovers, warmed by their bodies. By the witches' looks of disappointment, Kairi knew she had made the right choice.

"You ladies may divide her up as much as you like, as long as I get her heart," Maleficent said cheerfully, stroking her raven, one of many familiars present at this gathering. (Most of the others were cats, but more unique ones to note were Elphaba's flying monkey and Wuya's whimpering red-haired teenaged human in a dark trenchcoat dragged around on a leash.) She paused for a moment as the Neoshadow servers, clad in jockstraps rather than tuxedos, delivered their meals, along with a very large dish covered by a platter. "But while it's gratifying that so many of us could be here today, let us not forget those who couldn't make it due to being slain by foolish do-gooders or other unnatural causes…or (ugh) converted. As fellow Sisters of the Coven of '68, they deserve a moment of silence before we continue on this joyous evening." The other witches nodded or grunted in agreement, though many seemed frustrated that they were being kept from eating a moment longer, and bowed their heads in silence.

"Okay, moment's over," screeched Gruntilda, whipping off the platter on the large dish the servers had brought, revealing the steamed body of Morgana Octopus, who had unfortunately died of dehydration earlier that day. "Let's eat!"

And so, as Kairi watched in growing disgust, the witches began to dig into the corpse of one of the very fellows they had just honored a moment ago.

…

The Gullwings, after conjuring some equipment from the wreck of the Celsius, followed the trio of Tidus, Selphie, and Wakka to the ancient ruins of Lord Ohalland's tomb, confident in the abilities of their native guides to lead them to the tomb's treasure before Leblanc and her gang could reach it.

Their confidence was completely misplaced.

"None of this looks the least bit familiar," said a confused Wakka. "Did we go in the wrong tomb?"

Paine sighed in exasperation for the millionth time. "As I've already said, NO, we didn't, because if we had there wouldn't have been a large billboard saying OHALLAND'S TOMB outside this place!"

"I think we go…um…that way…maybe…" said a completely clueless Tidus, pointing vaguely away from the group.

"It's that way, I'm sure of it!" Wakka countered, pointing down the exact same corridor they had come down.

"No, it's that way!" yelled Tidus, not wanting to look wrong in front of Yuna, pointing in a completely random direction in the large intersection of corridors they had come to.

"I thought you two said you'd memorized the plans for this place," said an annoyed Paine.

"Yeah, usually it's me who gets us lost, not somebody else!" agreed Rikku.

"Well…uh…perhaps memorized was too strong a word," Wakka said, laughing nervously.

"By memorized, we really meant…um…skimmed," Tidus agreed weakly.

The fairies groaned. "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" Selphie shrieked.

"Tidus, I'm very disappointed in you," said an angry Yuna. "I thought you knew what you were doing! I trusted you."

Tidus' heart sank, realizing he had screwed up big time. "W-wait!" Wakka stammered in an attempt to redeem himself. "It's all good! I remember now, we go this-"

CLIK! Went the flagstone Wakka just stepped on that sank into the ground.

"Way?"

RUMMBL! Went the giant flaming blitzball that began rolling towards them from down one of the halls. All of them shrieked this time, not just Selphie, and quickly began running for their lives.

"Wakka, if we get out of this, you're dead!" Tidus yelled at his best friend.

"I second that!" Paine agreed, waving her sword as they flew from the giant sphere.

"Man, I can't do ANYTHING right!" Wakka wailed.

"I know the feeling…" Rikku grumbled, her flight path wavering and accidentally causing her to bump into the arm of one of the statues of Lord Ohallan's blitzball team lining the hall. "Ow!"

CLIK!

The floor suddenly dropped open, sending Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie plummeting into darkness. "WAAAAAUUUUGGHHH!"

Rikku paled. "Whoops."

"Wait, that's it! Quick, get down there!" Yuna commanded, flying down into the hole. The other two fairies quickly followed just as the giant flaming blitzball bore down on them, falling off the lip of the trapdoor and plugging up the shaft it opened onto, stopping its forward progress…but also blocking the way out for the trepid adventurers. They were going to need to find another way out, assuming they lived that long…

…

Sora and Roxas had promptly set out to find Riku and, unsurprisingly, got very lost and disoriented in the crowd. It was impossible for Sora to keep his bearings with dancers always knocking him off balance with their wild gyrations and making it extremely difficult to concentrate, and the tried-and-true method of loudly calling Riku's name in hopes he'd answer didn't work due to the noise from the crowd on the dance floor.

Not only that, Sora still saw no sign that his other friends were there. In a place this big, he had as much chance finding them as he did the bathroom, not that he needed one at the moment. (Yet.) "RIKU?" Sora called loudly anyway, just to make certain his friend wouldn't answer. "KING MICKEY? ANYONE?" There was, unsurprisingly, no answer. But hey, he had to try.

They're probably on one of the upper levels, Roxas pointed out.

"I know that," Sora snapped.

Then…why are we still down here?

Sora flushed. "I have no idea where the stairs are."

Ah. Well, if we find the wall, we can probably follow it until we reach the stairs, don't you think?

"Good idea." With this new goal in mind, Sora determinedly began wading his way through the crowd towards the far wall. At least, he hoped he was heading towards the far wall. He couldn't really see very well over all the people or monsters between him and there. But eventually, they did find the wall…and someone else too, which was a surprise to both the brothers.

"Cloud!" Sora cried in overjoyed surprise, grateful to see a friendly (ish) face among all these villains. "What are you doing here?"

Cloud, a tall young man with very spiky blond hair, a long black trenchcoat with only one sleeve, with a metal wolf's head buckle strapping the shoulderpad on his left arm on, and an enormous sword wrapped in bandages for some reason, didn't even really look at Sora, just stared off into the distance through half-lidded eyes. "I'm searching," he said enigmatically. "For my darkness. When I defeat him, I can finally rest."

His darkness? Asked a confused Roxas.

"Sephiroth," Sora muttered, both to answer Roxas and reply to Cloud. "You think he came here? To this wedding?"

"I sensed him," Cloud said, still enigmatically. "I can smell his taint, his dark presence. He is near. I shall find him, and then I will defeat him, and end this nightmare for good."

"Oh, okay," Sora said. "Uh, by the way, have you seen Tifa recently?"

"…No," Cloud said brusquely.

"Really? Because I think she's been looking for you for a while. She implied as much when I met her." Sora frowned. "You're not…avoiding her, are you Cloud? I mean, that's not very nice. She likes you a lot. It's kind of rude."

"…Sephiroth is my fight," Cloud said coldly. "She has nothing to do with it. It's between me and him, nobody else."

"Oh, so you're avoiding her because you don't want her to get hurt? Well…let me tell you from experience that's kind of a stupid idea, Cloud. That's just going to make her more determined to help you," Sora said with a frown.

Cloud frowned back. "Who asked you?" he said, even colder. "This is my life and Sephiroth is my business. Not yours."

Sora rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, you should probably join the same group Riku's going to for therapy…oh, and Sephiroth's right over there."

"What!" Whipping out his giant bandaged sword, Cloud whirled around and came face to face with his most hated nemesis. "SEPHIROTH!"

"Hello, Cloud," said Sephiroth calmly. He was a tall young man, well-muscled, wearing a long black coat with white metal pauldrons open at the front and revealing his impressive abdomen, which had a pair of crisscrossing straps over his chest and several belts wrapped around his lower torso. What looked like small demonic wings or fins grew from his lower arms. A pair of great black feathery wings poked out of the insides of the coat, spreading away from his legs and towards the ground, near his belted black boots. A third, much larger wing, sprouted from behind his right shoulderblade. In his left gloved fist he held a ridiculously long katana, its blade even longer than he was tall. His very long silver hair fluttered in a nonexistent breeze, strands of it blowing across his glowing green eyes. "Thank you for coming…to my reunion."

"Um, actually it's Maleficent's wedding," Sora pointed out, only to be ignored.

"As long as you exist, I can't wake from this nightmare," Cloud said dramatically. "You are my darkness."

Sephiroth gestured widely. "If that's so…I shall draw you into the darkness. Into the nightmare that forever deprives you of light, from which you can never awaken."

Sora blinked. Both mortal enemies drew their swords and began gathering power, Cloud crackling with red energy and Sephiroth with blue. Wineglasses shook, dust fell from the ceiling, the audio systems screeched, pebbles spontaneously levitated into the air, and a baby cried somewhere. With a quick move from his free hand, Sephiroth switched on a music player concealed in his jacket, causing the operatic notes of his theme song 'One-Winged Angel' to fill the air, or would have if they weren't drowned by the funk/rap/rock/heavy metal/unidentifiable music being put out by the DJ.

With battle cries, Cloud and Sephiroth charged at each other…

And bounced back, their swords not even striking each other. "Hnnh?" grunted a confused Cloud.

"What is this strange power?" wondered a puzzled Sephiroth.

"Oh, um…Maleficent kind of cast this Truce spell to keep people like you guys from fighting each other," Sora said apologetically. "Otherwise, most of her guests would kill each other."

"…I see," said Sephiroth, putting his sword away and switching off his music player. "Then I suppose this is not the most opportune place for a battle. I shall see you later, Cloud-"

"NO!" Cloud protested, infuriated. "I spent months tracking you down after you last disappeared! Now that I've found you, I won't let you get away! I WILL finish this!"

Sephiroth smirked. "And how do you propose we do that, if we cannot battle to the death as we both desire?"

"There's still ONE way," Cloud said, his eyes steely cold, extending a fist. Narrowing his eyes, but still smirking, Sephiroth extended his fist. And then…

"One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war!"

The two swordsmen clasped hands and immediately began clashing their thumbs against each other, Sephiroth turning his music player back on to give their battle a dramatic background. "You cannot win, Cloud. Give in to the dark."

"Never! As long as I still draw breath, I will never let you win!" Cloud growled, his thumb bobbing left and right in an attempt to draw Sephiroth's thumb into making a lunge that would leave it vulnerable.

"You cannot win, Cloud, not as long as you cling to the darkness," Sephiroth intoned, jabbing his thumb at Cloud's.

"That's not true!" Cloud hissed angrily, striking Sephiroth's thumb with his own.

"You do not let go of the past, and that is why you fail. It's because you don't let go that I will always return, no matter how many times you strike me down," Sephiroth said with an evil grin. "And it's because of that…" His thumb went flat against their joined fists for a split second, tricking Cloud into foolishly trying to pin it down with his thumb. Sephiroth's thumb quickly slipped away and slammed down onto Cloud's, pinning it down and ending the battle. "That I will always win."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Cloud screamed in agony and despair, falling to his knees as Sephiroth chuckled cruelly, savoring his victory as the latin-spewing singers of his theme song hit a high note. Guests looked at them. Sora stared blankly, not quite sure what to think of this moment.

Cloud leaped back to his feet and glared at Sephiroth. "Best two out of three?"

"Very well." And so the war began again.

Scratching his head, Sora turned and walked away. "Well, that was strange."

Your friends are weird, complained Roxas.

"Oh, and all of your old friends were the image of normality?" Sora retorted.

Hmm, good point.

…

Things were definitely not normal at Maleficent's bachelorette party, either.

The majority of the witches, after devouring poor Morgana and having a few too many drinks, were now focusing most of their attention on the handsome male strippers on stage and hooting and yelling catcalls. This, thankfully, left Kairi largely ignored and unnoticed. She carefully nursed the wine she had been given, not wanting to take too much. After all, in a situation like this, she certainly needed her wits about her. Cogs were turning in her mind as she watched the slightly drunken witches, the details of a possible escape plan forming in her head.

"Are you enjoying yourself, dear?" Maleficent said suddenly, startling Kairi and bringing her back to reality.

"What? Um…o-of course," Kairi lied, smiling weakly. "Time of my life. Best bachelorette party ever."

"I'm glad to hear you say that," Maleficent said, a cruel grin appearing on her face. "As your hostess, I'd be very upset to hear one of my most treasured guests wasn't happy. Very upset indeed."

And Kairi had no doubt that said upset would probably be taken out on the Destiny Islands. She reconsidered her plans for escape. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she stayed a while longer. "No, no, everything's fine," she said quickly. "No complaints, none at all. Nice food, nice company, nice show, everything's good."

"Excellent." Maleficent turned her attention back to the show on stage. "However…I think it's time we spiced things up a little, don't you?"

"Um, sure," Kairi said, nodding enthusiastically. "Yeah. Totally."

"Very good." Maleficent took an ominous-looking black lamp from her cloak, held it up to the dim light hanging over their table, and rubbed it. The other witches immediately fixed their attention on the small object, their magical senses going off as the room darkened slightly and the lamp began to rattle. A tumult of red smoke and sparks suddenly erupted from the nozzle of the lamp, rocketing out in a cascade which swirled around the room, encircling startled guests and dancers, before turning back on itself and swelling into a great cloud that manifested into the figure of a very muscular red being with a trail of smoke leading back to the lamp in place of legs, gold-manacled clawed hands folded over his chest, topped by a (mostly) bald head with a short black ponytail growing back from the top of his head, pointed ears, yellow eyes, and a frown framed by a neatly trimmed beard. "What is thy wish?" the red genie boomed. Maleficent frowned at him, and the genie sighed and gritted his teeth. "Master?" he growled.

"O Genie of the Lamp," Maleficent intoned. "For my first wish…I command you to perform an erotic dance for my companions and I, with no loose ends or misinterpretations whatsoever of the prior request that will allow you to do harm to me or mine, my guests, my world, or any of the worlds I may one day rule, even ones I may not rule, just to be thorough, including triggering some events which may one day cause some misfortune of any size to occur to me or my ambitions. Am I clear?"

The genie Jafar sighed despondently. "Yes, master…" he intoned bitterly. There was a puff of smoke, and suddenly Jafar was much smaller, standing on stage with two legs and a very tight loincloth, with spotlights focused on him. All went quiet as everyone in the room stared at him. The ex-vizier sighed, wondering how he had gotten into this mess, and then, reluctantly, began to belly-dance as some Arabian music began to play. Erotically, as Maleficent had specified, with no way to take advantage of a loophole and kill her or do her or anyone connected her any kind of harm, either.

The witches squealed with delight, bouncing excitedly in their seats as they watched Jafar strut and thrust and show off his physique. Maleficent smiled in contentment and leaned back in her seat. And Kairi found herself wondering if maybe escaping wouldn't be such a bad idea after all.

…

The last time we saw Riku he had been forcefully separated from his best friend Sora by a pack of amorous and extremely attractive demons. Now, while it is true that Riku, like most handsome bishounen, has an appreciation for beautiful women who threw themselves at him, do not think for a minute that Riku was more interested in staying with the demons than going off to find Sora. After all, Riku was a true friend, the kind who does anything he feels necessary for the sake of that friendship, even if said thing may be unethical in the extreme. In fact, Riku demanded repeatedly that the demonesses release him so he could go find King Mickey with Sora.

He continued protesting as they poured alcohol down his throat to loosen him up. He didn't want to swallow, naturally, so as skilled torturers all they simply held his nose and clamped hands over his mouth until he was forced to do it lest he choke, and used other methods to keep him from spitting it back up. And so, after drinking a few bottles' worth of liquor, it's only natural that some of his inhibitions would fall away and his protests would become less insistent. And after a few more bottles, he stopped protesting at all, alcohol and the seductive demonesses making him forget anything important, so wasted that he could barely remember his own name. Riku was strong, but even he had his limits.

And unfortunately, his dedication to his friends as well as his mission was not the only thing that slipped away thanks to the drink and pleasurable company. One by one, his mental barriers collapsed as more alcohol was pumped into his system, until every last bit of his well-trained restraint was gone.

And so there was nothing, absolutely nothing, to prevent Xehanort from switching places with the thoroughly sloshed Riku and taking possession of the boy's body, triumphantly making his grand return to the world of the living.

"I LIIIIIVE!" Xehanort cried, Riku's wiry and handsome form abruptly undergoing a growth spurt, hair growth, eye color switch, and total wardrobe change, transforming from a sexy teenager into a sexy long-haired adult, upping his bishounen factor by several points. The demonesses cocked their heads, blinked, then decided that, in their eyes, he hadn't really changed that much, since he smelled the same and still had roughly the same hair color. All mortals looked alike to them anyway. However, when they tried to cuddle up to him again, he scoffed and shoved them away with his arm, rising to his feet and only wobbling a little due to the intense amount of alcohol in his and Riku's shared body's system. Fortunately, Xehanort could tolerate much more alcohol than Riku due to tremendous drinking contests he and Ansem the Wise's other apprentices had indulged in in his youth, and so it would take quite a bit more liquor to put him out of commission…well, maybe not that much. "Away with you, harlots!" he bellowed, only slurring a little. "I have little interest in common whores such as you, not when there is a far greater prize waiting!" Ignoring the fact that their adoring gazes were turning to indignation and anger, Xehanort turned away, glaring up at the highest tier of the club, where Pete, Satan, and the other high-ranking villains were chilling. "Maleficent…now that this body is mine again, I must convince her to wed me instead of that cretin! And showing her father how worthy I am to be her husband will surely be the first step to securing her hand…for he will then retract his blessing from Pete, and she will surely not go against the wishes of a father as powerful as he! I think." He frowned, blinked, and shook his head. "Head's a bit foggy…Riku really shouldn't drink so much. Then again, if he hadn't, I wouldn't be here, so…" He blinked. "Whatever. I must be off! Great darkness awaits!" He stalked off, stumbled, and moved a little more slowly towards the stairs.

The demonesses glared at him as he left. "Jerk," one of them growled.

"I liked him better when he was shorter," another said wistfully.

"Oh well…Master Satan will sort him out…" a third said evilly.

The demons giggled sinisterly, and then went off to seduce and torment more mortal souls, as was their wont.

…

After the incident with the giant flaming Blitzball, the grouchy team of adventurers continued on their way through the ancient tomb, setting off numerous more traps along the way and generally making Paine more and more pissed off.

"If it were Rikku setting off all those traps, that'd be one thing," she snapped at the kids. "Rikku's a klutz. But I would've thought you kids knew better. I mean COME ON, didn't you think a large protruding piece of wall in a corridor with lots of paintings of warriors with small holes where their mouths would be, along with numerous bones and old splinters of wood, was the least bit suspicious?"

"Hey, I just needed something to lean on for a second," Wakka protested. "I thought that's what it was for, that the architects made it for people to rest on for a moment. How was I supposed to know it would set off all those blowdarts?"

"The obvious signs?" Tidus suggested.

"Shut up, man!"

"Oh well," Rikku said cheerfully. "At least for once, I'm not getting yelled at for doing something stupid! Yay!"

Yuna sighed, and Tidus felt a twinge of guilt for not being as reliable as she'd thought he was. "Yuna, I'm sorr-"

"Ooh, what's this button do?" Selphie cried from somewhere down the hall behind them.

Their eyes widened in horror. "SELPHIE, NO!" they screamed, turning towards the girl just as she pushed a colored button set into the wall.

The corridor rumbled. A wall panel further down the hall back the way they had come slid open, and a horrendous wheeled mechanism made up of far too many spinning blades and whirring saws rolled out and began charging towards them. "Aw, crap!" yelled Wakka.

"Hiiiii!" Selphie said, waving stupidly at the bladed death machine grinding towards them. "Are you gonna kill us?"

"Thundara!" Yuna called, causing a bolt of lightning to strike the coming machine. Nothing happened. "Thundara! Thundaga!" Stronger bolts hit the mechanism, none of which slowed it down in the least.

"Rikku, I don't suppose you can disassemble that?" Paine asked.

"What, you want me to stick my hand in there?!" Rikku cried. "No way! Do it yourself!"

"Wait, I think I got an idea!" Wakka cried, noticing a large glowing dot in the center of all the gnashing blades. "That dot looks like some kinda weak spot or target, or a lot like a Blitzball goal…I actually think I remember something like this mentioned in the plans. This tomb was built for a great Blitzball player, and can only be entered by Blitzball fans, so…the way to beat some of the challenges is simply to Blitz!" Wakka pulled out his ball and hurled it at the spot in question. It sailed through the whirling blades, smashed into the glowing spot, and ricocheted back at Wakka.

The machine paused for a moment, its blades freezing in place, the deadly device whirring loudly for a moment. Then, piece by piece, it collapsed, caving in on itself and disassembling, its innards spilling out across the ground. The six sighed in relief. "Good job, Wakka," Tidus complimented his friend.

"Yay! Wakka saved the day!" Selphie cheered, glomping the redhead and kissing him on the cheek, causing him to scream in horror.

"Well, maybe they aren't so useless after all, right Paine?" Rikku joked.

Paine grunted and folded her arms. "We'll see…"

Abruptly, the corridor started rumbling again. "Uh, that can't be good…" said Yuna.

She was right. A section of floor retracted, and a huge armored mechanical monstrosity rose into the passageway, its front a tremendous metal square which took up almost the entire width and height of the hallway. This square was covered with numerous spinning wheels holding screws, saws, drills, spiked rollers, and all sorts of other very nasty sharp objects. With a pneumatic roar, the machine started rolling towards them, the implements of death on its front catching the wreckage of the last lethal machine and shredding it to scrap as it approached.

"Uh, Wakka, you wouldn't happen to see a target on there, would you?" Tidus asked nervously. "Or happen to remember how to defeat this thing?"

"Uh, no, not really. I think I skimmed that part, too," Wakka said weakly.

"Well in that case…RUN!" Yuna yelled, leading the dash down the corridor away from the wall of death, Selphie shrieking at the top of her lungs that they were going to die.

They quickly passed through a door at the end of the corridor that looked much too small for the wall of death to pass through and found themselves on a narrow stone bridge crossing what looked like a bottomless chasm. Another door leading deeper into the tomb was on the other end of the bridge, although it was currently blocked by a large statue of a many-armed monster holding a scimitar in each hand. They took a moment to catch their breath, certain they were safe. "That was a bit close," said Rikku. "But we're all okay, right?"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA…oh wait, never mind," Selphie said sweetly.

"This room looks familiar…" mused Tidus. "I think…yeah, I remember this place from the tomb plans! This is one of the ways into the heart of the tomb. I think that if we go through that door there and survive whatever's on the other side, we have a straight shot at reaching the treasure chamber!"

"I thought you said you didn't remember any of this stuff," Paine said with a frown. "That you more skimmed than memorized the plans."

"I skimmed, yeah, but some parts stuck out more than others," Tidus said. "Like this place, and how it eventually leads to the treasure chamber!"

Wakka nodded. "Yeah, where Ohalland's sarcophagus, Gold Blitzball, and the first Crystal Cup are! But…" He frowned. "Can't really remember what kind of defenses lie between us and there. I didn't remember that death wall thing, and I'm not sure what's ahead…maybe we'll remember more when we get there."

"Hopefully before it's not too late," Yuna said.

"I think there's something important about that statue over there…" Tidus pondered. "But I don't remember what…"

It was then that the small doorway behind them exploded apart, dust and bits of masonry billowing out as the monstrous death wall rolled forward, clearly not letting a minor inconvenience like a too-small opening stop it from fulfilling its programming. Numerous spikes, blades, floating saws, metal shields and magical screens emerged from its back and sides, whirling around its body at incredible speeds to prevent any attack from striking it from behind. Selphie began screaming again.

"Oh great, here we go again!" Rikku cried as they all started running (or flying) towards the other end of the bridge and the statue there.

But as they got halfway across the bridge, Tidus suddenly remembered what was important about the statue and skidded to a halt. "Oh crap!"

"What?" asked Yuna.

"That statue! Now I remember, it comes to life!"

As he said this, the statue did just that, its eyes glowing and body shaking as if awakening from a long slumber. It spread out its many arms and roared, shaking the chamber as it began sliding towards them on its plinth, slashing at the air with its scimitars.

The group glanced anxiously at the living statue, then at the wall of death still coming towards them, and groaned. "Talk about being trapped between a rock and a hard place," Rikku complained.

"OH EM GEE! WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" Selphie screamed. She began running in circles, shrieking her head off.

"I don't suppose you remember how to get past this?" Paine asked.

Tidus shook his head. "Um, unfortunately I don't. So…" He took out his sword. "We'll just have to smash our way through! Come on!" He charged at the living statue, swinging his weapon.

"This is probably a bad idea…couldn't we just fly over it?" Rikku suggested.

"We can, but they can't," Yuna pointed out, drawing her guns and flying after Tidus. Paine grunted, drew her sword, and did the same. Rikku grimaced and looked back at the death wall, noting that it was approaching them just as quickly as the bladed statue, and if they didn't remove one of them soon they were going to be left without much room to stand very shortly.

The group quickly reached the statue. "Ha!" Tidus cried, lashing out with his sword. Two of the statue's arms reacted, blocking his strike by crossing blades, then slashing out at him. Tidus deflected the blow with his own sword, though it rattled his bones, and quickly counterattacked, not noticing two more of the statue's arms preparing to decapitate him. Fortunately, Paine leapt in and occupied those arms with her own swordplay, keeping them away from the unknowing Tidus as he hacked and slashed at the lower arms in an attempt to get past their guard and land a blow on the monster's body. Wakka hurled his Blitzball at the statue's face, only for it to be deflected by another pair of the monster's arms, and he had to leap to catch the sphere before it could fall off the side of the bridge from the recoil. Yuna fired her guns at the thing's face, only for the bullets to be deflected by still another pair of arms. "This thing's got way too many limbs," she grunted in frustration.

Rikku, being the swift and sneaky thief that she was, darted through the storm of whirling swords, stabbing the creature's arms and chest here and there with her daggers. The creature showed little reaction to her strikes, but Rikku wasn't surprised. She hadn't intended for her blows to be especially powerful, which would leave her vulnerable. She knew that the largest animal could be taken down if it got stung enough by a big enough swarm of insects, and she knew the same strategy applied to monsters. Of course, it took time to land that many stings, and she wasn't sure it was time they had, since the statue continued advancing at the same time as the wall of death approached from behind. Time was running out. So, she switched to her feral (and scantily clad) Berserker dressphere and tried wailing on the statue with that, to see if her harder hits would do any damage to the monster's very thick skin.

Paine masterfully danced with her sword, deflecting strike after strike from the many scimitars, but was as yet unable to land a blow of her own. She had tried using both her heavily armored Dark Knight dressphere and her robed Samurai dressphere, but neither skilled blade seemed to be able to penetrate the monster's defenses. Every time she stabbed at one of the thing's wrists her strike was blocked by another sword, and she had to maneuver quickly to keep from being skewered or decapitated by the beast's many scimitars. "This thing's got a near-impenetrable frontal defense…"

"Which means it's open from the rear! Great idea, Paine!" Yuna quickly flew around the statue and started pumping lead into it from behind.

"Hey, wait up! I'll help you!" Tidus yelled, realizing this was a perfect opportunity to show off and impress Yuna. He backed away from the monster, planted his sword in the ground, then jumped, kicking off the weapon's pommel and arcing through the air over the living statue's blades. He landed on the thing's head and kicked off again, stunning it for a brief moment (not long enough for the others to damage it, though) as he soared through the air and landed behind the beast, next to Yuna. "All right, let's do some damage!" he declared.

"With what?" Yuna asked, pausing to reload her guns. "You left your sword on the other side."

"…D'oh!" Tidus cursed. "Um, hey Wakka, can you throw your ball over here?"

"What? Heck no!" Wakka cried, backing away from the statue and winding up for another ineffective throw at the thing's face. "It's my ball, get your own!"

"Ah, come on…"

Wakka shook his head. "No way, man! The last time I lent you a ball, you smashed Ms. Hikari's lighthouse beacon with it! And I never got it back, did I?"

"Come on, you know I'll pay you back!"

"No way, I'm not falling for THAT again!"

"Ugh, fine, I'll just defeat this thing with one punch, like on TV!" Trying to mimic some martial arts flick he had once seen, he gave a battle cry and tried to strike the statue's back with a flying kick that was supposed to shatter it completely. Predictably, the only thing to shatter was his foot as his bone cracked against the ultra-hard stone making up the statue. "AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!"

Yuna paused a moment to toss a Mega-potion at Tidus, which burst on his head and sprinkled magical material all over him. Instantly, Tidus' foot was completely mended. He blinked in amazement. "Okay, bullets, daggers and sword techniques aren't working. Time to call out the big guns!" As her teammates retreated from the monster, not wanting to get caught in the range of the offensive spells they knew Yuna was about to cast, the fairy activated her Black Mage dressphere, switching into a stylish dark purple outfit with a long skirt, beads dangling from the elbows on the wide sleeves not quite attached to the rest of the dress, shoes curling up at the tips, a powerful-looking staff, and a large witch hat with rings in the side from which two strips of cloth hung. This costume would amplify the power of her offensive spells. With this boost, Yuna drew upon the magic she needed to hopefully reduce the living statue to dust…

And hesitated, noticing just how little space remained between the living statue and the wall of death. None of her high-level spells could destroy the statue without also blasting Wakka and Selphie, who could not fly out of the way, into the wall of death or off the bridge all together. None of her offensive spells strong enough to kill the statue could do so without potentially harming the two humans. And she doubted the strongest Protega spell she could cast, even with her White Mage dressphere, would be able to withstand the pressure of both unstoppable objects at once. She doubted even that dressphere she was saving for an especially difficult opponent could help them now without harming the kids.

Selphie just then noticed how close the two deadly objects had gotten as well, and began shrieking even louder than before. Wakka looked around anxiously. "Oh crap, we're trapped!"

"Yuna, you guys gotta do something!" Tidus cried desperately.

"Girls, get the kids out of the way!" Yuna shouted at her teammates.

Paine and Rikku quickly grabbed onto the back of Wakka and Selphie's shirts, lifted, and…couldn't raise them more than a few centimeters off the ground before dropping them, panting and red in the face. "We can't!" Rikku yelled, still struggling to lift her assigned child. "They're too heavy!"

"Then use fairy dust, like you did before!" Wakka screamed, noticing how very, VERY close the slicing scimitars and gnashing blades of the two death machines were to chewing him up.

"We can't, we're not that kind of fairy!" Paine grunted. "Yuna, do something!"

"Um…" Yuna's face was pale. What could she do?

"Yuna, please…" Tidus begged, his face ashen.

Yuna squeezed her eyes shut and quickly ran through a list of every white and black magic spell she knew of. "That's it!" Opening her eyes, she quickly switched back to her regular outfit and waved a hand in the direction of Selphie and Wakka. "Floatra!"

There was a puff of magic, and suddenly a pair of tiny feathery wings appeared on the back of either human, flapping rapidly and decreasing their weight significantly, so much so that they practically levitated off the ground without the help of the fairies. Rikku and Paine used this boost to swiftly carry Wakka and Selphie up and over the living statue and down to Yuna and Tidus just before the statue and the death wall crashed into each other, resulting in a devastating explosion which obliterated both monstrosities and also weakened the bridge significantly, causing huge fissures to crack open and run across its span. There was a loud groan of stone grating against stone, and then the bridge began to collapse, from the center outward.

"Run!" Tidus yelled, quickly running for the exit as he saw the bridge crumble piece by piece into oblivion. Wakka and Selphie ran after him, their reduced weight causing them to bound high into the air with each step, as if they were on the moon, and they might have fallen on their faces a few times or plummeted off the decaying bridge had not the fairies nudged their flight paths a few times. All six adventurers made it to the safety of the doorway to the next room before all of the bridge disintegrated, its pieces plummeting into the bottomless abyss below. They stared into the pit, gasping for breath and realizing just how close they had been to death there.

"Here," Wakka panted, handing Tidus his sword. "I think you lost this."

"Oh…thanks," Tidus said in relief, for he had completely forgotten about his weapon.

"We're alive! Hooray!" Selphie cheered, running around in circles until slamming into a wall. "Ow."

"That WAS close," Paine agreed, wiping away some sweat. "Let's try not to let something like that happen again, okay?" Rikku nodded in agreement.

"Hey, what did you guys mean when you said, 'You're not that kind of fairy'?" Wakka asked suddenly.

The fairies glanced at each other, reverting to their regular outfits. "Let's just say that among fairies, talents differ," Yuna said after a moment.

Rikku nodded. "All fairies can do magic, but some fairies are extremely good at it, better than almost everyone else—fairies like Yunie here—and so can do all sorts of stuff with their fairy dust, like make people lighter. Fairies like Paine and I aren't nearly as good at magic, but still are skilled at our own things. Like, I'm terrible with most kinds of spells, and navigation, but good at stealing and alchemy. Or at least mixing things."

"And I'm also pretty bad with spells, but I'm excellent with fighting techniques. And cooking," Paine admitted. "Whereas Yuna can't cook without burning water. That's another thing she and Rikku have in common, except that when Rikku cooks there's a bigger chance the kitchen will explode. Must run in the family."

"Hey!" both fairies snapped.

Tidus shook his head in amusement. "Well, all that aside, we should get going. The worst is yet to come."

"And that worst is…" the fairies prompted.

"…I have no idea." All groaned.

…

In the meantime, Sora and Roxas were still searching, fruitlessly, for Riku. They had finally discovered the stairs and made their way up to one of the club's higher levels, pausing by a bar before continuing their monumental climb upwards. "What's he doing?" a confused Sora asked his brother as the Heartless bartender held out a glass for him.

I think he's offering you a drink, said Roxas.

"Oh, no thanks," Sora said. "I'm too young." The Heartless tilted its head, clearly not understanding the concept. "I, um, just don't drink. That's all." The bartender blinked, shrugged, and went back to cleaning the glass it had just offered.

Ah, come on, why don't you take a drink? We could probably use one.

"Roxas, I'm sure you've had plenty of alcohol in your day, but I for one would rather keep a clear head as much as possible, especially in a place like this," Sora said firmly. "And besides, I don't want to touch a drop of the stuff ever again, not after what happened that one time in Port Royal." He shuddered, almost hearing Jack Sparrow's drunken singing now.

Wait, he could hear Jack Sparrow's drunken singing. "Jack!" Sora whirled around and found, to his amazement, that his pirate friend was sitting on the stool right next to him on the bar, guzzling down a huge mug of what might have been alcohol but had the consistency of tar.

Jack Sparrow, a somewhat handsome (he called himself dashing) tanned man with dreadlocked hair, a red bandana, brown vest over an open white shirt with a belt buckle over his shoulder, dark brown trousers and a pair of thick, travel-worn boots, leaned back on his stool, belched, and put the mug back down on the bar's counter. "'Ey, Zola!"

"Sora," Sora corrected pointedly.

"Whatever. Long time no see, mate! What's a fellow like you doing in a place like this? A little out of your class, wouldn't you say?" said Jack, wiping off his mouth and mustache with a sleeve.

"I could ask the same of you. I got invited to Maleficent's wedding. Did they send you an invitation too?" Sora asked, not seeing why Maleficent possibly would have.

"Nah, nobody in their right mind invites a pirate to a wedding! Well, Will and Elizabeth might, but who could say they're in their right minds? No, I came to loot the place! See new worlds! And, uh, get away from some, how should I put it, debt collectors…" He scratched his left hand, now wrapped in thick bandages, uneasily.

"But, uh, how'd you get out of Port Royal and, well, here?" Sora pressed.

"Same way you did, I imagine, by taking a bloody spaceship!" Jack laughed. "Oh, don't give me that look, lad, I knew you were from another world the moment I laid eyes on you! Nobody in the Caribbean would be traveling with a talking duck and dog if they weren't from somewhere else entirely. And not to mention your hair and clothes!"

Sora blinked. "What's wrong with my hair and clothes?"

"Well, lad, not to be offensive, but they're kind of…dorky. No self-respecting pirate would wear duds like that without getting laughed at! Most people wouldn't either! And the shoes! Don't get me started on the shoes!" Sora blinked and looked down at his rather large yellow shoes, feeling slightly offended. He thought his clothes were cool. And so did his mom…

"So, you said you got a ship. Where'd you find one?" Sora asked, badly wanting to change the subject.

"Right, that." Jack took another long drink from his mug. "Well, some rather obvious tourists from another world managed to show up in Port Royal one day, and I, being the clever pirate I am, managed to trick them into upgrading my dear old Black Pearl in exchange for a trip around the Isles, which I gave them. I left them on an island full of cannibals last time I saw them."

Sora frowned. "That wasn't nice."

"Oh, relax," Jack said with a dismissive wave. "When I left, the cannibals crowned them leaders of the tribe! Then again…I can't remember if these were the vegetarian cannibals or the cannibals who eat their leaders as part of some divine ritual. Oh well, too late now to do anything about it, I suppose."

"So, you upgraded the Black Pearl into a spaceship?" Sora said, taking a seat next to Jack and dearly hoping the cannibals had been vegetarian.

"Yes, and one a sight more spectacular than that gaudy piece of junk you were driving! Yes, I saw that too, rather hard to miss, what with all the colors and all." Jack frowned and winced. "Just thinking about it gives me a headache, though that might be the grog."

Sora pondered, for a moment, the consequences of Jack becoming a space pirate, and shuddered. Perhaps there was a reason to keep the worlds apart, after all. "So, I take it you intend to use your new ship to travel to new worlds and…steal from them."

"Yep! It's the pirate way, after all." Jack drank some more grog. "Don't give me that look, lad, it hurts. I am what I am; a dashingly handsome rogue, just like you are what you are; a somewhat goofy-looking kid with a giant key."

"Well, at least you don't have one of those," Sora said, feeling relieved. After all, without a Keyblade, he doubted Jack would be able to bypass the barriers around most of the worlds. Though how he had gotten out of Port Royal, and the tourists in, was a bit worrying. Sora could have sworn he'd locked that world, and he didn't think anyone else could use the shortcut he'd made through the barrier, could they?

Jack paused. "Mmm. Yeah. About that…" He opened his hand slowly. Points of light gathered from all around and coalesced to form a Keyblade with a ship's wheel for a hilt guard, a compass for a keychain, and a gray anchor-shaped blade growing from the end. "I got one of those too. Told you I'd find one eventually!"

Sora's jaw dropped. Wow, said a stunned Roxas. They'll give one of those to ANYONE, won't they?

"How…how did you…how did you get one?!" Sora asked, incredulous.

"Well," Jack said eagerly. "That's a tale for the telling, lad! It all started when I was dueling this horde of undead pirates single-handed while protecting a kidnapped child princess worth ten times my weight in gold in my other hand-"

He was stark raving drunk, Roxas interpreted.

"And I was winning, with the bones of my defeated oes scattered all over the place in a pile at my feet, when one of the buggers hit me from behind with a barrel and knocked me out!"

He drank too much and passed out, Roxas translated again.

"And then…" Jack grinned, a twinkle in his eye. "That's when the real fun began…"

…

"Ow." Jack Sparrow slowly got to his feet, blinking and rubbing his head, which was sore from falling on it. The last few moments were a blur…he vaguely recalled a hallucination about seeing someone standing in the water as a wave rushed over him or her with his or her hand stretched out to him, and stayed standing like that even when he or she was underwater, and then there was this really confusing bit where he had been simultaneously standing on a beach and falling from the sky, and then he'd fallen into the ocean and landed on some undersea platform headfirst, causing the floor to splinter and turn into a flock of bloody seagulls which flew off (underwater?!), screeching and flapping and making his head hurt even more. "Well, this is one of the most painful hallucinations I've ever had," he voiced, noting that he wasn't actually underwater anymore but standing on a stained-glass platform in a void of darkness with nothing else anywhere as far as the eye could see. "Even more so than that one I had when I tried that Chinese stuff." He looked down and saw that the stained glass he was standing on depicted an image of himself, passed out from drinking too much and holding a bottle in his hand, with an image of Port Royal in the background, and some circles with pictures of Will Turner, Elizabeth, the Black Pearl, and for some reason an undead monkey, on the side not taken up by the image of himself. "Huh. Nice artist, whoever made this. Must remember to steal a smaller version, it would look good in my cabin."

SO MUCH TO DO, SO LITTLE-

"AGGHHH! STOP IT!" Jack yelled, clutching his head in pain. "Pirate suffering from a hangover and concussion here! Could you speak a little quieter, if you don't mind?"

Sorry, said the voice, a bit softer. So much to do, so little time. Take your time. Don't be afraid, the door is still shut. Now step forward. Can you do it?

"Yes," said Jack, taking a step forward, making sure not to step on the handsome face of the image on the ground. He started when suddenly three trapezoidal stones rose from the edges of the platform, each one bearing an item; a cutlass, a shield, and a staff. "Oh. Where'd those come from?"

If you give it form, it will give you strength.

"Give what form?" asked a confused Jack.

…Choose wisely.

"Choose what wisely?"

One of the items, dumbass. Choose already!

"Hmmph. I don't like your tone," Jack muttered. He glanced at the sword. Then the shield. Then the stick. "Easy choice." He walked over to the sword and picked it up off its pedestal.

The power of the warrior. Invincible courage. A sword of terrible destruction. Is this the power you seek?

"Sure, why not?"

Hmmph, everyone picks the damn sword…Your path is set.

Suddenly, the sword vanished from Jack's hand. "Hey! Give it back!"

You'll get it back. Now pick an item to get rid of.

"Why?"

Because I said so, dammit!

Jack grunted and glanced back at the remaining items. "Eh, toss the stick."

Rod.

"Whatever. I don't need it."

The power of the mage. Wisdom-

"I said I don't need it already!"

Fine. God. You've chosen the power of the warrior. You've given up the power of the mage. Is this the form you choose?

Jack rolled his eyes. "Well, isn't that bloody obvious?"

Instead of replying, the trapezoid stones disappeared, and the platform shattered. Jack fell, screaming, into pitch darkness. "WAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH-"

And landed on his head again, on a platform identical to the one he had just been on it, except it was colored differently. "OW!" The sword from before fell from the sky and bounced off his head. "DAMMIT!"

You gained the power to fight.

Growling, Jack grabbed the sword, fully intending to stab the hell out of the voice if he ever met it in person. And steal all its stuff.

All right, you've got it! Use this power to protect yourself and others. Suddenly, a number of horrible monsters appeared. They looked at first like pirates, but were far too ugly, and seemed to be fused with sea creatures. There will be times you have to fight. Keep your light burning strong.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, mate, but I've got no problem fighting," grunted Jack, quickly entering into combat with the horrible monsters and defeating them in an epic battle which took ten whole minutes to be described to Sora and was almost completely embellished and full of bullshit. In any event, Jack dispatched the pirates, even the bunch which appeared behind him, thanks to a timely warning from the voice. And when he had won the battle…

The floor beneath him suddenly turned to water and he sank into its depths, screaming, and landed hard on another platform...with no water anywhere to be seen yet again. "WAAAAAAUUUGGGHHH-Ow!" The sword hit him again on the head as it fell from above. "DAMMIT! This is really getting old, mate." He blinked, noticing a strange transparent door leading to nowhere at the edge of the platform. "Hmm?" Rubbing his head, he got up, walked over to the door, and tried to open it. Naturally, his hand passed right through it. "Okay, it's a ghost door. I didn't even know doors could have ghosts," he commented inanely. There was a flash of light, and a treasure chest appeared behind him at the far edge of the platform. "Ah, now that's more like it!" He eagerly ran over to the chest, opened it, and found… "Hey, it's empty!" He picked it up, turned it over, and shook it, but to no avail. "What a bloody rip-off!" Annoyed, he tossed the chest off the side of the platform. It fell down from the sky and hit him on the head. "OW! What is it with this place?!" He could swear he heard the voice snickering in the distance. He grumbled, rubbed his head, and turned around.

Somehow, a very large crate had appeared out of nowhere and was sitting in the middle of the platform. "Where'd that come from?" Jack wondered. He examined it for a moment. He looked at the sword lying on the ground. He shrugged, picked it up, and smashed the crate to pieces with it, hoping to find something inside.

Predictably, there was nothing. "Great," he grumbled. He eyed the barrel that had just appeared out of nowhere. "I suppose you're empty too?" There was no response. Jack shrugged and smashed it. Once more, nothing came out. Big surprise.

However, the ghostly door stopped being ghostly and solidified. "Well, that's something," Jack commented. "Maybe there's treasure behind this door." He opened the door…

And found himself on the ramparts of Port Royal. He blinked in confusion. "What'm I doing here?" he said, scratching his head with the flat of his sword.

Hold on. The door won't open just yet. First, tell me more about yourself. Not that I really care…

"Didn't the door just open?" said a confused Jack. There was no reply. He noticed then that three familiar figures were standing around doing nothing. Thinking that this was all rather odd, Jack approached the first figure, his good friend (sort of) Will Turner. "Hey, Will, what the hell's going on here, mate?"

"What are you afraid of?" Will asked, not even remotely answering Jack's question.

"Huh?" said the confused pirate.

"What are you afraid of?" Will repeated.

"I'm afraid of getting my soul taken by a hideous undead pirate with a squid for a face, or being eaten by said pirate's pet sea monster, what do you think?" Jack grunted.

"Getting your soul taken by a hideous undead pirate with a squid for a face, or being eaten by said pirate's pet sea monster? Is that really so scary?" Will asked.

Jack stared at him, bewildered. "…Yes. Yes it is." He quickly walked away from Will, towards the second figure, the lovely Elizabeth Swann, soon to be Will's wife. "Oy, Elizabeth, what's gotten into Will? He's acting kind of funny…"

"What do you want out of life?" she asked, ignoring him.

Jack stared at her. "What?"

"What do you want out of life?" she repeated.

Jack eyed her warily. "Great, so whatever it is has gotten to you too…well, I want what any pirate wants. Money, women, alcohol, not to get hung by the authorities, and not to get my soul stolen by an ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face."

"Money, women, alcohol, not to get hung by the authorities, and not to get your soul stolen by an ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face, huh?" Elizabeth said with a nod.

"…Yes. That's what I just said." Jack quickly hurried away from Elizabeth, hoping whatever was wrong with her and Will wasn't contagious. He stopped dead when he saw the third figure. "Oh, hell no. Aren't you dead?!"

"What's most important to you?" asked Barbossa, Jack's traitorous former first mate and ex-captain of the Black Pearl, who Jack clearly remembered killing a few months ago.

"I know you were undead before, but come on! You were alive when I killed you!" Jack protested.

"What's most important to you?" Barbossa asked again.

Jack sighed. He experimentally tried to drive his sword through the dead pirate's chest, only for it to pass right through. Somehow he wasn't surprised. So, he played along. "The Black Pearl," he said automatically.

"Is the Black Pearl such a big deal?" Barbossa asked.

"I sold my soul for it and spent quite a few years trying to get it back from you, so I should hope so," Jack grunted.

You're afraid of getting your soul taken by a hideous undead pirate with a squid for a face, or being eaten by said pirate's pet sea monster. You want money, women, alcohol, not to get hung by the authorities, and not to get your soul stolen by an ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face. The Black Pearl is most important to you. Your adventure begins at noon. As long as the sun is shining, your journey should be a pleasant one.

"Sounds good to me," said Jack with a smirk.

The day he will open the door is both far off and very near.

Jack blinked. "Huh? Door? What door? Didn't I open the door before? Are we talking about two different doors here? He who?"

Instead of getting answered, Jack found himself on yet another stained glass platform. "Well, thanks for all the help," he muttered sarcastically. He noticed there was a light looking oddly like his compass floating in the middle of the platform. He walked over to touch it, and…

More sea monster/pirates appeared out of nowhere, growling and shouting and shaking their misshapen appendages and weapons at him. "Oh hell, not them again," Jack groaned, quickly entering another epic battle that also took ten minutes to describe to Sora and was also pretty much completely bullshit. But when it was done, the compass-light moved to the edge of the platform and vanished, suddenly appearing on another, higher stained glass platform that hadn't been there a moment ago off in the distance. A long spiraling stairway made of stained glass panels led up from Jack's platform to the new one. "Getting tired of all this glass," Jack muttered as he began walking up the stairway. "I'm a pirate, not a glassworker. Or a blacksmith, like Will."

He soon reached the top of the new platform, where the compass-light was waiting for him. He approached it, his shadow lengthening behind him due to the brilliance of the light.

The closer you get to the light, the greater your shadow becomes.

"Yeah, I know," Jack said, glancing back at his shadow. "Any sailor can tell you that. It's kind of important to nautical navigation, savvy?" He started, suddenly noticing that his shadow didn't look like him at all, but rather a lot like a certain ugly undead pirate with a squid for a face and a crab claw for a hand. "That can't be good."

It wasn't. The light vanished. The shadow grew, deepened, darkened until it encompassed over half the platform and took on a somewhat liquid form, like black seawater…and then tentacles began to grow from it. Tremendous, gargantuan tentacles, with nasty fanged suction caps the size of Jack's head on their undersides, big and strong enough to break ships like Jack's precious Black Pearl in two. "REALLY not good!" Jack yelled as the tentacles waved through the air, the unearthly howl of the Kraken ringing through the void.

But don't be afraid. And don't forget…

"I see no reason NOT to be afraid!" Jack yelled. "And what am I not supposed to forget?! Hello?! Anybody there?!" There was no reply. The Kraken, the rest of its body unseen, wailed and lashed out, its tentacles smashing down on the ground and nearly crushing Jack. The pirate did the sensible thing and turned and ran, quickly coming up to the edge of the platform. Deciding quickly falling into darkness would probably be better than getting eaten by the monster that had been pursuing him for the last few weeks, Jack quickly took a leap of faith (One might not expect a drunken pirate like Jack to have much in the way of faith, but like most pirates he was a Giant Flying Spaghetti Monster-fearing Pastafarian)…

And landed right back on the platform. "OH COME ON!" he yelled to the heavens. He heard the disembodied voice snicker again, the laugh drowned out by the Kraken's shriek. It seemed that Jack had no choice but to fight.

And fight he did. As he eagerly told Sora, he struggled with all his might, for what must have been hours (but was really maybe five minutes, possibly less, though it certainly felt like hours to poor Sora, who had little choice but to listen to the whole over-embellished story) against the Kraken's tendrils, dodging their attempts to crush or grab him, even managing to sever a few with his sword, which was proving to be much better than his real sword ever had been.

However, victory was impossible, as he soon discovered. The tentacles he severed regenerated themselves and lashed out at once, wrapping themselves around him in a tight, constricting bind which could crush him to jelly if the slightest pressure was applied. His sword arm pinned helplessly to his side, and realizing quite quickly that this crushing into jelly would no doubt happen if he tried struggling, Jack went limp in the monster's grasp, his mind racing desperately as the devil of the sea raised him high into the air.

The shadow the beast was hiding in rippled, and the tentacles rose higher as the Kraken pushed more of its tremendous bulk out of the surface of the platform, revealing its truly horrific mouth, a great hole which sucked at the air and was lined with far too many teeth than Jack dared to think about. That mouth opened to its widest and bellowed at him, the howl of a beast whose hunt at last was done, its prey utterly helpless and only moments from being consumed. Jack's eyes widened in horror and he started, quite reasonably, to scream his head off. "HEEEEEELLLLLLP!"

The voice spoke up once more. But don't be afraid. You hold the mightiest weapon of all.

"If I did, I DON'T THINK I'D BE IN THIS MESS DO YOU?!"Jack howled.

So don't forget… the voice continued. The tentacles around Jack began to loosen. You are not the one who will open the door. The tentacles let go completely, and Jack began to fall towards the gaping maw. But your destiny is no less important than his. For you bear the Keyblade…and all Keyblades are bound to the door.

The jaws slammed shut, silencing Jack Sparrow forever.

Or not. "AAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!" Jack screamed, sitting up in bed, naked. He blinked, and squeezed his eyes shut, his head throbbing violently and not responding well to the tiny amount of light filtering through the closed windows of the rented room. "Oh. 'S just a dream. That's good."

"Yes, very," agreed Jack's first mate Mr. Gibbs, sitting up in bed next to him, also naked.

There was a long pause, and then both men looked at each other, as if realizing they were there for the first time. Then both started screaming, which did little to help their respective hangovers or those of the rest of the people sleeping in the tavern.

…

"It wasn't long after that I discovered I could summon Follow the Wind whenever I wanted," Jack finished, scratching his back with his Keyblade. "And, after I accidentally did something to some big glowing keyhole, those tourists showed up, I tricked them into turning the Black Pearl into a space-worthy vessel, and headed off to plunder the riches of the universe. And that's how I got here. Not a bad story, is it mate?"

Sora was gone. Jack blinked and looked around. "Dora?" Sora was now on the other side of the room, hugging Donald and Goofy, whom he had spotted looking for him just a few minutes ago. Jack frowned and finished off his grog, somewhat miffed. "Well, that was rude of him."

Getting to his feet, Jack lurched away from the bar, swaying slightly, and not bothering to pay for the drink as he headed off to pick some pockets. The Neoshadow bartender narrowed its eyes at Jack as he swayed off, memorizing his heart-wave pattern, and swore an oath of vengeance against this vile drink-not payer, an oath which all Heartless from this day forward would carry out to the best of their ability.

That would be the one thousand seven hundred and sixty-ninth oath of vengeance sworn against Jack Sparrow by someone or other, but who's counting?

…

Kairi needed to use the restroom. She knew it was her own fault, this was what she got for drinking so much of the offered wine in an attempt to drown out the horrible things the witches discussed amongst themselves, and the ghastly sight of Jafar belly-dancing. There wasn't enough alcohol in the wine to give her more than a faint buzz, but more than enough liquid for her to need a restroom, badly.

Now, one might wonder why she didn't just go to the restroom. Well, the reasons were twofold. First of all, she didn't know where the bathrooms were. Now, this problem could easily be remedied by asking Maleficent or somebody else, but here's where the second part comes in. Being evil, Kairi was rather certain that Maleficent might be cruel enough to forbid her from going to the bathroom, even going so far as to threaten Destiny Islands to make her stay at the table.

In addition, Kairi was a somewhat stubborn girl at times, as her friends could attest to, and she was not eager to have to stoop to asking her greatest foe for help.

Nevertheless, her need to go did not decrease with time, and it soon became uncomfortably clear to Kairi that she should either ask Maleficent, or risk embarrassing herself in front of all these witches. And so, reluctantly, she opened her mouth to ask…

And was interrupted when Magica DeSpell spoke up. "Darling, I need to use the powder room. Could you perhaps point me in the right direction?"

"Why certainly," Maleficent said kindly, pointing in the right direction. "It's right over there."

"Thank you," Magica said gratefully, getting up to go.

She wasn't the only one. A number of other witches, looking glad that Magica had asked first, quickly got up, murmured apologies, and swiftly headed after the duck. Apparently Kairi wasn't the only one who had drunk too much wine. This had the effect of leaving most of the table vacant, for the moment, and allowing Kairi to feel a bit less nervous about asking now.

Before she could, though, a number of Dusk waiters wobbled over, carrying bread rolls to tide them over until the chefs had finished making the next course and the next round of on-stage dancing could begin. Kairi noticed, with distaste, that the rolls were shaped like a certain piece of male anatomy. She took one anyway, because she was hungry.

"SeeDs! SeeDs!" Ultimecia, who was still at the table, screamed abruptly.

"What is it?" Maleficent asked in alarm.

"There are SEEDS on my roll!" Ultimecia said indignantly. "I absolutely ABHOR seeds!"

Mirage rolled her eyes. "Then either pick them off or get another roll, dear." She chewed on another roll herself, her fangs shredding into it, and Kairi tried not to see anything sexual in that.

Kairi was, once more, about to ask to use the restroom, when yet ANOTHER interruption came up. "Ah, is this seat taken?" a woman who was most definitely neither a witch nor evil asked, walking up to the table.

Maleficent frowned and narrowed her eyes. "Actually-"

"Excellent! I hope you don't mind," the woman said, stealing Rita Repulsa's seat, which was right next to Kairi's, which in turn was at Maleficent's left hand, right across from Mirage. The witch would not be pleased someone had taken her chair. Kairi noticed that the smile the woman gave Maleficent was rather strained. "I've been just dying to get a chance to talk to you."

"Yes," Maleficent said warily. "I suppose you have."

The newcomer looked like some sort of animal/human thing, like Donald and Goofy did, though she was more…mammalian than Donald. Kairi had no idea what kind of animal the woman was supposed to be. Dog? Cat? Either way, she had a hairless tan face, a small black nose, lots of red-brown hair much like her own spreading out from her head in a vague loaf shape, and an expensive satin red dress. "I suppose I should introduce myself," the woman said.

"I know who you are," Maleficent said coolly. "Peg. Pete's ex-wife and the mother of his children."

"Yes," Peg said equally coolly. "That's it on the nail." Both women glared at each other for a long moment. Some of the other witches, returning from the bathroom, paused and looked at this tableau with interest. Poor Kairi wondered if she should make a break for the restroom now, but was almost too curious to see what would happen to leave just yet. "And you," Peg continued. "Are Maleficent, the evil fairy, and my husband's fiancé. The woman he's about to marry tomorrow."

"That's right," Maleficent said with a cruel smirk. "The woman he's chosen over you."

Peg gritted her teeth and dug her fingers into the table, shredding the tablecloth. "Yes, well, that's to be expected," she replied. "You are a witch, after all. And witches are known to be able to cast all kinds of spells to seduce a man from his family." A number of the witches looked indignant at this. Sure, plenty of them could and sometimes did cast spells like that, but was Peg implying they couldn't possibly get a man on their own? The nerve of her!

Maleficent smiled thinly. "I needed no spell to seduce him," she said. "He was perfectly willing to come with me, especially after you abandoned him and banished him to another dimension."

"We didn't abandon him!" Peg snapped. "And the banishment wasn't permanent, just until he had learned his lesson!"

"Ah, but his lesson for what, exactly?" Maleficent asked. "For trying to overthrow the monarchy in an attempt to keep his socialite wife in the expensive lifestyle she had grown accustomed to, because she wasn't satisfied with him being 'just' Captain of the Guard?"

"If you're suggesting I told him to do what he did…" Peg said, cold fury building inside her.

"Told him? Of course not. You never told him to try and stage a coup," Maleficent said, stroking her raven. "You merely complained about his salary, and how it wasn't enough to get all the things you liked, and how you believed he could do more with his life than just being Captain of the Guard. And so, eventually he snapped." She smirked. "That isn't to say he might not have tried a coup anyway, he certainly had the potential in him to do it himself. However, it's questionable whether he would have done it at all without you complaining all the time. But I suppose that I should thank you for that Peg, because you pushed him I gained my most useful (in a fashion) minion."

"You…" Peg hissed.

"When I rescued Pete from his dimensional prison, he was more than happy to work for me and take revenge against the kingdom that he felt had betrayed him. Well, he knew he had betrayed it, but he understandably harbored a number of grudges…including a few against you, Peg, since you not only drove him to it but divorced him right before he was banished, showing him how much you really thought of him."

"…I shouldn't have done that," Peg admitted. "It was a mistake."

"Was it now? It certainly must have made sense at the time. After all, your social standing would have gone down significantly if you remained married to a known criminal. Whereas your perceived stigma would be less so if you simply divorced him." Maleficent grinned. "However, I suppose I should thank you for that, because it freed him up to marry me. And for that, I will be eternally grateful." She raised her wineglass in a mocking salute to Peg.

"I'll still have been a better wife to him than you could ever be!" Peg snapped. "I cooked and cleaned for him, supported him and raised our children, picked him up after most of his cockamamie get-rich-quick schemes fell through-"

"And then pushed him to try a foolish coup, abandoning him when he became inconvenient," Maleficent finished. "I can offer him more power than you ever could. Entire armies and worlds under his command. A place by my right hand as I ascend to glory. Revenge against the Kingdom and people who betrayed him. Perhaps even a new family of his own…we're actually considering children someday."

Peg gasped in disbelief, and Kairi's eyes bulged, unable to process the thought of what the child of Pete and Maleficent might look like. "Oh yes…and you also give him torture! I've seen you blast him for irritating you or for your own amusement! At least I never abused my husband!"

"No, just abandoned him," Maleficent said with a yawn. "Whereas I rescued him and took him under my wing, giving him power beyond his wildest dreams. And perhaps I do employ a bit of corporal punishment…what of it? Would you believe he actually finds it, how should I put this…kinky?" She smirked at Peg's shocked expression and bit off the end of one of the inappropriate rolls, chewing suggestively. The other witches snickered and chatted, enjoying the innuendo and the exchange between the two women. "Oh, you didn't know, Peg? Then it seems I've gained yet another advantage over you…he likes me better in bed."

Kairi tried not to throw up from disgust at that thought, and ignored how Namine's somewhat deranged babbling took on a much more frenzied and panicked tone. By the look in Peg's eyes, Kairi realized Maleficent had, probably deliberately, pushed Pete's ex too far. Any moment now, Peg would do something violent, which would have no effect due to the Truce, but would still be very amusing to the other witches.

And this might also give her just the distraction she needed. She got up from her seat. "'Scuse me, going to the bathroom, back soon."

"What?" asked an alarmed Maleficent. "But-" She was cut off when Peg bellowed like a wounded hippopotamus and lunged at Maleficent. Much like Orpehus should have done on his way out of the Underworld, Kairi did not look back. She just ran and ran as fast as she could, making it to the bathroom before she could explode. And hopefully, the consequences for this action would not be too severe…

…

Pete was completely unaware that the women in his life were currently duking it out, and would have been disappointed not to see it if he knew about it. Still, he was having a lot of fun. His father-in-law-to-be, while rather terrifying, hosted a great party, and he and the other male villains of Maleficent's inner circle were having the time of their lives. The booze was good, the music was great, and of course the ladies were excellent. Pete frowned at Satan enviously while groping as many demonesses as he could at once, noting that Maleficent's father, due to his unrivaled sexual prowess, was actually doing it with ten demonesses at once, and was still fully capable of simultaneously doing the crossword and sudoku puzzles in the daily newspaper. Talk about multi-tasking.

However, that came to an end when Xehanort walked up the stairs into their private area and ruined everything.

The demonesses and Heartless on the terrace instantly turned their attention to Xehanort, meaning they ignored the villains who had been enjoying them, much to their displeasure. Even Satan stopped doing the nasty with his women to glance at Xehanort when he sensed the man's dark aura. "Hmm? Who's this fool?"

"It's Xehanort!" said an alarmed Captain Hook, pulling his clothes back on. (Despite being mostly mechanical, he could still do it, amazingly enough.) "The seeker of darkness!"

"Not this guy again," growled an annoyed Hades.

"I thought he was dead," said a confused Oogie Boogie.

"So were you," Mozenrath reminded him, twitching slightly due to his medication.

"Hmm, good point."

"Hey, what're you doing here?" asked an annoyed Pete, pulling his pants up. "This place is reserved! Invitation only!"

"I know," Xehanort said, staggering slightly as he tried to maintain his balance. "I saw the sign at the bottom of the stairs. Nevertheless, I felt I had no choice but to disturb your privacy." He turned to the annoyed Satan. "Lord Satan, I have come to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage."

There were a number of gasps from the other occupants of the terrace at this, only half of them due to Xehanort's comment and the other half caused by something the demonesses were doing to them. Pete's jaw dropped, and Satan scowled. "Yo, fool, you got some nerve comin' up here and asking me that on the eve of my baby-girl's wedding!" he said, getting angry. "No respect, dawg! I should totally rape you for that!"

"Yeah, because I'm getting married to her, not you!" Pete said stubbornly. "So get lost!"

"Um, would you really…" Zurg quietly asked Satan.

"Rape him? Hell yes! Mastah S is all-man! So man that all the rest of you suckas are wimpy girls!" Satan boasted with a shining golden grin. "Especially the ones that look like girls, like that dawg over there. Makes it easier to do it. Like Mr. Badass One-Winged Angel, he's always good for a fun time!"

"…That's just wrong," said a freaked-out Negaduck.

"You are GUILTY of sexual deviance!" Judge Doom declared.

"Hey, fuck off!" Satan said angrily. "Don't be a hater, homophobe!"

Xehanort wisely decided to ignore Satan's comments and continue. "I am aware that your daughter, for whatever reason, has chosen Pete to be her…husband…" he said through gritted teeth. "However! I am a much more worthy man for the job than Pete could ever be?"

"Psh! As if," Pete snorted.

"What makes you say that, dawg?" Satan asked, lighting a cigarette with his fingers and puffing it…while STILL doing it with those ten demonesses.

"I am far more intelligent and powerful than this oaf here," Xehanort said, gesturing at Pete. "I command the darkness, while he just dabbles in it like an infant splashing about in a wading pool! Pete is no more than Maleficent's lacky; while I am worthy to be her true equal and partner, not just another subordinate!" He glanced at Pete. "In addition," he sneered. "I'm much closer to her body type and proportions…in ALL the right ways." Pete glared angrily at the seeker while the other villains snickered.

"Hmm…you make some good points, dawg…" Satan admitted.

"WHAT!" Pete cried in horror.

"Hey, hey, hold on now! I said he made some good points, but that don't mean he's deserving of my daughter!" Satan clarified. "Now, my dawg Pete here, she likes him more than I think she's liked any man…"

"He's more of a cat-thing, actually," Abis Mal corrected timidly.

"She likes me that much?" said Pete in surprise, self-confidence rising as Xehanort scowled.

"BUT…he is kind of a wuss," Satan admonished.

"HEY!" Pete sputtered angrily.

"Then again, she seems to like that in a man, for some reason," Satan continued. "She likes feeling superior to 'em…and that's easier to do with a lackey than an equal."

"Uh, that's good, right?" Pete asked Flintheart, who shrugged.

"And you, man…you're so powerful even my girls stopped what they were doin' when they noticed you, and it takes a lot to make them do that," Satan said to Xehanort. "You're definitely Maleficent's equal, if not her superior…and she don't like kowtowing to nobody! Why do you think all her other marriages fell apart?"

"Even if that's the case, I have a great deal of affection for your daughter," Xehanort pressed. "And I think that, if we try, we can make it work."

"Yeah, that's what all the others said," Satan grunted, dismissing the ten demonesses he was done with and calling new ones to get under him. As he started using them, he considered for a few moments, puffing on his cigar. Finally, he said, "You came up here, just bargin' on up and wrecking the party we got going here with no invitation and the attitude that you could get away with it. I don't like that, dawg. That shows you got no respect! Not for my homies, and certainly not for Mastah S! But," he admonished. "You were polite about it, so I guess I gotta give you props for that. So…here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna give both you dawgs a fair chance to prove yourselves worthy of my daughter's hand."

"What!" protested Pete. "But, but that's not fair! I thought the wedding was a done deal!"

"Not anymore it ain't. Not unless you put this mofo in his place, that is!" Satan informed the crestfallen Pete. "Here's what we're gonna do: the both of you are gonna have to compete in a series of trials for Maleficent's hand, oldskool style. Whoever does best wins it all!"

"I am honored and grateful for this opportunity to prove my worth," Xehanort said graciously, trying to keep from being slightly disoriented by the alcohol, ignoring the other villains' glares and grumblings about him.

"You should be, dawg…you should be," Satan grunted. "So!" He slapped his palms together. "Let the games begin!"

And don't worry, P-dawg, Satan said telepathically to Pete, startling him, for he had not known Satan was telepathic. You can cheat and get as much help from your homies as you need. Pete smiled in relief at this. Maybe things would work out for him after all.

…

The chamber the six entered was large and very dark. Even the magical glow the Gullwings could generate didn't seem to make a dent in the impenetrable darkness. Selphie had taken to pulling at her (or everyone else's) hair, muttering about how the darkness would devour them, the black aliens were coming to probe her, and other such paranoid delusions that were uniquely Selphie. "We'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadiewe'reallgonnadie…" Selphie chanted like a mantra as they walked through the chamber.

"Why did we bring her again?" asked an exasperated Paine.

"Because Ms. Hikari told us to?" Yuna recalled. "And her own parents wouldn't take her when we tried dropping her off?"

"Do you blame them?" Wakka grumbled, trying to get Selphie to let go of his hair. She responded by biting him. "OW! SELPHIE!"

"Did it break the skin?" asked a concerned Tidus.

"No…but it still hurt!" Wakka said, cradling his arm and looking in anguish at the bite marks.

"That was yummy," Selphie said, licking her lips. "Can I have more?" They stared at her in horror and quickly distanced themselves as much as they could from the insane girl.

Their progress was halted when a very bright spotlight clicked on, shining down on them from the hidden ceiling. "What's this? Six adventurers, wandering through the Tomb of Ohalland all by themselves? And so young, too! What're your names, kiddies?" a shrill, yet booming voice echoed from the darkness.

"Don't tell it our names, since it asked first," Yuna warned the group. "If it's a magical creature, it might be able to use them to hurt us."

"Like that one time Ri—I mean the klutz here got us all turned into dolls by telling this voodoo chicken in a far-off swamp who we were by telling it our names," Paine recalled. "Let me tell you, THAT was one heck of a mess to get out of."

"Well, it seemed polite at the time," Rikku grumbled.

"Our names are-" Selphie started.

"Selphie, no!" Tidus hissed, clamping his hands over her face…and cursing himself moments later as he realized what he had just done.

"Tidus!" cried the alarmed Wakka, only to realize he had done the same stupid thing. "Shit."

"Tidus and Selphie, huh?" the voice said. More spotlights switched on, focusing on the group at various angles and blinding them. "And the rest of you?"

"Nobody," said Yuna.

"Nothing," said Rikku.

"Nobodaddy," said Paine.

"And, uh…Noman," Wakka said, vaguely recalling some story hero using that name.

"Wow, and so many of you have the same first syllable…what a coincidence!" the voice mocked, sarcasm clear in its tone. "Well, let's give our guests a BIG Ohalland's tomb welcome tooooo…"

The spotlights shut off, and the regular lights came on, revealing the room to be a massive chamber with garish, practically glowing colors flamboyantly covering the walls, with huge flashing neon signs, arrows, and other weird sigils everywhere. "YOU!"

Three of the four walls were taken up by stadium seats housing what had to be several hundred skeletons and rotting corpses, cheering raucously at the six adventurers, who found themselves standing on top of a lit podium. "CAN'T!"

The wall across from them had even more neon, as well as several large television screens flashing seizure-inducing patterns, and a giant glowing sign with the words YOU CAN'T WIN! Written on it, with a large set of stone double doors in the wall underneath it. "WIN!" The neon signs flashed and colored spotlights spun all across the room, inciting the undead audience to cheer and the six to look around in fright and confusion as canned music started playing. "YOU CAN'T WIN!" the mysterious voice repeated. "The greatest of all game shows, with only one simple rule, namely that no matter what you do, you can't win!"

The lights stopped flashing and a single spotlight shone down on a circular podium right before the group. It opened up, and a strange creature that looked to the Gullwings almost like a Moogle, but clearly wasn't, floated out. Its body was shaped differently, with an almost pear-shaped figure, two scrawny arms much shorter than the legs, which were themselves very short and ended in almost clownishly long feet, and had a very long tail like that of a monkey's, with a swollen area at the end. Other than that, it looked pretty much like any other Moogle…aside from its lack of a nose, the demented look in its oversized blue eyes and its serrated, misshapen fangs, and the fact that it was wearing a pinstriped two-piece suit with a big red bowtie. "Hi there!" the Moogle mutant said into the microphone in its hand, revealing itself to be the mysterious voice they had heard moments ago. "I'm Mewgle, and I'll be your host for today's showing of…"

"YOU CAN'T WIN!" the undead audience and all the neon signs and TV screens proclaimed.

Tidus and Wakka gasped. "Oh! I remember what this part is now!" the blond said, looking horrified.

"Yeah, this is supposed to be one of the most difficult areas of the tomb, and that's saying something!" said an alarmed Wakka. "According to what I remember from the plans, that Mewgle thing is some kind of pure evil being with reality-warping powers from another universe that managed to travel to our world after it's universe's destruction and survive its own demise. It loves games, and beating people at them so they die, but Ohalland managed to somehow defeat it in a game of Blitzball and task it to guard his tomb for eternity."

Mewgle's eye twitched at the name. "Yep, that's me all right. And the rules say that you can't pass through that door behind me and get to the heart of the tomb unless you beat my game."

"And if we don't win?" Yuna asked.

"Then you'll die," Mewgle said, as if it were obvious, which it probably was. "Duh. Oh, and I think you should know that nobody has EVER beaten this game of mine. I'm rather proud of it, too. But my audience can attest to that better than I ever could, they're all of your predecessors who've made it that far!" The undead waved and moaned at the six amiably and welcomingly, scaring the heck out of them.

"Maybe we should have gone a different way," Rikku said anxiously. "I mean, LeBlanc and her goons clearly didn't come this way, right?"

"Well, we might have come a different way…if our guides had remembered the tomb plans a little better," Paine grunted, glaring at Tidus and Wakka. "If we die because of this, I'm killing you two. Again."

Tidus groaned. "I knew we should have bought that tourist edition of the plans they were offering at the tomb entrance…"

"But they were so expensive!" Wakka protested. "50 munny apiece! Not like maps of the island or some of the other ruins, which are maybe 10, 15 munny tops. We made the right decision." Wakka paused and considered that for a moment. "Or…not…" he said weakly.

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie shrieked.

"Yes you are, little girl…" Mewgle chuckled. "Yes you are." He twirled a bit as he floated into the air. "Let the games begin!" Tons of spotlights focused on him, and the audience cheered. As if they could do anything else… "Now, which victim, I mean contestant, should we start with first? Hmm, let's see now…" The lights dimmed and a spotlight switched on, flashing over each one of the six anxious contestants in quick succession and repetition, with a drumbeat in the background. "I think we'll start wiiiiith…"

The spotlight stopped on Rikku. She gasped, and her friends looked at her anxiously. "Miss Nothing! Come on down!"

"Uh, o-okay guys," Rikku said weakly as the lights came back on. "Wish me luck…"

"We're rooting for you," Paine said solemnly. The others nodded, except for Selphie, who was poking one of the zombies in the audience.

Swallowing, Rikku floated over to Mewgle as he lowered himself back onto his podium. "Okay Nothing, here's how this is gonna work." Mewgle handed her a large chrome suitcase. She almost was dragged to the floor by the thing's weight. "That suitcase MAY contain a million munny in it. OR…it holds one of many other possible ways for you to die horribly. Okay?" Rikku nodded anxiously. "Good. Now…you see that window over there? And the silhouette in it?" Mewgle was pointing to a shaded window high on the wall through which a seated figure in profile could just barely be seen. "That guy is a broker. He wants to buy whatever's in that suitcase, because HE knows what's actually in there…while you don't. Now, the premise of this little game is simple. In a moment, that broker is going to call me and make an offer, in munny, for whatever's in that suitcase. You can either accept his offer, or you can refuse it and see what's in the suitcase. If you're lucky, it'll be a million munny, which is way more than whatever he's going to offer you. BUT…there's also a chance it'll be something that will kill you the moment you open the suitcase, in a horrible agonizing way." Rikku gulped.

"What if the offer's a bad one?" Yuna asked.

"Then she can reject it and open the suitcase, as I said," Mewgle explained.

"What, she can't bargain for a better deal?" Tidus asked with a frown.

"No," Mewgle said flatly. "She can't." There was a beeping noise, and Mewgle quickly answered a cell phone he hadn't been holding a moment ago, glancing at the silhouette in the window, who was now also visibly speaking on a phone. "Uh huh…okay…I see. I'll tell her. Bye." He hung up the phone and turned to Rikku. "That was the broker. He's ready to make his offer."

"And?" Rikku asked anxiously. "How much?"

"He said he's willing to pay five hundred munny for that suitcase," Mewgle told her. "Plus, he's also willing to throw in a twelve-pack of Fairy Dew diet soda and free tickets to the next Blitzball world series finals because you're so cute."

"Oh! That's my favorite soda!" said a surprised Rikku, nearly dropping the suitcase.

"Ooh! Ooh! Take that!" Wakka cried. "Those tickets are mondo expensive! I've never been able to go in person, even though my best friend's dad manages to make it to the finals just about every year!"

"Hey, those tickets are hard to get, even for a player," Tidus countered. "And even if the tickets are free, that doesn't mean they're for good seats. How many tickets is the broker offering, and for which seats? Ri—I mean Nothing should only accept the very best, if she's possibly giving up a million dollars!"

"But we don't know there's a million in there," Yuna pointed out. "It could just as easily be a death trap. And she won't need those tickets if we don't plan to be here long enough to see the game, once we find a way off-world."

"Then she can give them to us!" Wakka begged the fairies. "Come on Nothing, take the deal!"

"I don't know…" Paine said doubtfully. "A million munny is a lot of munny…as treasure hunters, we can't discard it so easily. Then again…we do have to keep Nothing's safety in mind…still, with that much munny, we could easily repair the ship."

"Assuming there's a Gummi garage anywhere near here, which there probably isn't," Yuna pointed out. "And besides, it's just as likely the suitcase is a death trap. We can't risk Nothing like that!"

"But…if it's a million munny, we could probably still use it to get real good seats to the game, since we still don't know what tickets the broker's offering," Tidus pointed out.

"Aw man…this is confusing," moaned Wakka.

"Rikkunothing!" Selphie called, waving the contents of her pockets into the air. "I'll give you one and a half munny, a half-eaten moldy bar of chocolate, some marbles, lint, beeswax, and beetle larva for that suitcase!" Everyone ignored her.

"Ohhhh…" Rikku moaned. "Everyone be quiet! I can't think under all this pressure!"

Hearing this, Mewgle grinned and cheerfully began applying even more pressure. "So, what'll it be, Nothing? Five hundred munny, soda, and tickets to the Blitzball world finals…or a chance at a million munny? What'll it be? Deal…or no deal? Deal…or no deal?"

"DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL?" the audience shouted loudly. Rikku squealed and held her head, trying to drown out the voices, which were overshadowing any of her friends' cries of encouragement. "DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL? DEAL OR NO DEAL?"

"ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!" she screamed, giving in to pressure. "DEAL! DEAL! TAKE THE DAMN SUITCASE!"

"Okay," Mewgle said cheerfully, taking it from her. The audience cheered. "Here's your five hundred munny," he said, dropping the currency into her wallet. "And your soda. And your tickets, of course."

There was a puff of smoke, and Rikku was suddenly holding a twelve-pack of cans of Fairy Dew diet soda. "All right!" She eagerly ripped out one can, popped it open, drank…and instantly spat it out. "BLECH! It tastes terrible!"

"Well, no wonder," Paine said, taking it from Rikku. "According to the label here, these expired two centuries ago."

"WHAT! No fair!" Rikku complained.

"And these tickets are the worst seats in the stadium!" Tidus complained, looking at the tickets he had picked off the ground. "It's nice that there's enough for all of us, but still…"

"Hey, at least that means I get to go," Wakka said cheerfully. "No complaints here!"

"According to this, one of the seats is behind a support pillar…" murmured Tidus.

"You'll be taking that one," Wakka said flatly. "Or maybe my brother. Or…yeah, let's give it to Selphie."

Selphie scowled. "My deal was much better than his…"

"Oh well," Yuna said to the depressed Rikku. "At least the money's good."

"Would you all like to see what's in the suitcase?" Mewgle asked. "To see if Nothing made a good deal or not?"

"Doesn't make a difference now, but sure, why not?" said Paine.

"All right." Mewgle opened the suitcase and… "Oh my! What do you know, there was a million munny in here after all," he said to the stunned sextet and the crestfallen Rikku. "Oh well, hope you're happy with what you got, you're certainly worth it! Bwahahahaha!" He made sure not to tell her that there most certainly had not been a million munny in the suitcase while she had been holding it, but an incredibly lethal virus that would have caused her flesh to melt off her bones, her organs to misfire, and for all her nerve endings to light up with horrible pain as she writhed on the floor for several minutes dying slowly. Reality-warping powers were very fun indeed. "And now for our next round! Since Nothing's done, that leaves five contestants to go! And this time we'll pick…" The spotlight, accompanied by drumroll, ran over the five remaining adventurers in quick succession. "TIDUS!" The blonde yelped as several spotlights focused on him and canned music started playing. "Come on down, my man!"

"Uh, okay," Tidus said nervously as Wakka patted him on the back and wished him luck and Yuna gave him an encouraging smile, which made him much more confident.

"Now, Tidus," Mewgle said, floating down and putting an arm around the boy's shoulder. Chills ran down the teen's spine as Mewgle made contact with his skin. "How much would you say a brand-new Gummi ship is?"

"Um…I don't know. A lot of munny?" Tidus guessed uncertainly.

"A lot of munny, huh? Well, you'll find out for sure right now!" A section of the floor receded, and a colorful rocket-shaped vehicle that looked like the one Sora, Kairi and Riku had flown away on earlier rose up on a pedestal. Numerous spotlights focused on it, and the audience 'oohed' and 'aahed'. "Now, T-Bone (Can I call you that?), here's how this next part works. You're going to guess how much one of these babies costs on the open market, with NO HELP whatsoever from your friends. If your guess is relatively close, you'll get the ship free of charge and can use it to fly around wherever you want!"

"And if I guess wrong?" asked Tidus, annoyed by being called T-Bone.

"Then you don't get it," Mewgle said simply. "So, T-Bone…what's your guess? Will the price be right?"

"Um…" Tidus quickly glanced at his friends, only to see they were all struggling with the zippers that had suddenly appeared over their mouths. He swallowed and glanced back at the ship, thinking hard. If I win this ship, Yuna'll be really impressed with me! But…it also means she'll have a way off-world, so she and her friends will leave! And I don't want her to go…but, if I don't get it for her, or if she thinks that I may have willfully failed to get the right price just to keep her there, she'd never forgive me… He bit his lip and decided to try his hardest to get the right price.

So. How expensive could a spaceship be? Tidus' best bet was, a lot of money. After all, the cruise ships or yachts some tourists traveled in cost thousands and thousands of munny. And that was just for something to cross an ocean! How much more must it cost to construct something capable of traveling the stars?

Then again, he didn't really know much about the economics of Gummi ships. He thought that part of the reason big ships were so expensive was because of their parts and the munny needed to manufacture and assemble them. So, how much munny was expended to manufacture and assemble the parts of a Gummi ship? For that matter, what the hell was a Gummi ship made of?! He was pretty sure the materials used had something to do with prices to.

He recalled Sora mentioning that the cheapest Gummi blocks he could buy (those he didn't find by blowing up other ships or opening treasure chests, anyway) had cost roughly under ten to a few hundred munny, or even around a thousand munny, though only the rarest or most powerful parts were usually that expensive, and even then rarely that much. Though Sora had also mentioned prices varying between the shops which sold Gummi blocks he had been to in his adventures, but Tidus supposed supply and demand, as well as product availability, had had something to do with that.

So, the fact that parts were so cheap (relatively speaking), and could be found so easily, to the point where Sora could actually eat spare parts (the fact that they were edible probably lowered their cost, in Tidus' mind), suggested the cost of manufacturing a Gummi ship probably wasn't nearly as much as it was to build a yacht. And he thought the sales price of a vehicle was only a certain percentage higher than it cost to make it, and if it didn't cost much to make it, it therefore didn't take much more munny than that to purchase. Of course, he had no idea what the mark-up price for a gummi ship was, nor how much it cost to build one, since Sora hadn't told him that sort of information, if he had even known.

Still, from what Tidus did know, he assumed he could make a rough estimate. And if that estimate was close enough, then he'd win the ship and Yuna would love him for it. Tidus looked at the ship for a long moment, trying to recall anything Sora might have mentioned about the price of Gummi ship parts, which wasn't much, but it was still something. He attached a rough price estimate to every piece of the ship he could see, made up a few more prices for vitals parts he couldn't see (life support, interior space, control systems, navigation, frills and extras, etc.), added those prices together, multiplied it by a percentage he pulled out of thin air, ran all the calculations through his head a few times (Wouldn't his math teacher be proud! If only he put this much dedication into his other school studies…), decided it sounded reasonable, and presented it to Mewgle. "Um…is the ship around…two to three thousand munny?" he asked anxiously.

Mewgle looked at him for a moment, an unreadable expression on his face. "I'm sorry, but…that's completely and absolutely WRONG!"

"What!" gasped a horrified Tidus. Had he miscalculated somehow? Probably, he thought unhappily, he had gotten it completely and totally wrong from the start. "Then…can you at least tell me what the real price is?"

"Mmm…no," Mewgle said. "No ship for you!" Laughing maniacally, he pulled a lever and a huge spiked weight slammed down from the ceiling and smashed the poor ship into smithereens. Tidus flinched. Mewgle giggled insanely, drool dribbling down his chin. "Your turn is over, LOSER. Go back with the others and consider how horribly you FAILED!" The crowd booed and jeered at the despondent boy, and mocking music started to play.

Totally depressed, Tidus rejoined the group, which had regained the use of their voices. They gave him sympathetic smiles and encouragements and pats on the back, but all Tidus had to do was see the faint sorrow in Yuna's eyes to know how badly he'd screwed up.

"Now, let's choose our next contestant!" Mewgle said gleefully. The lights dimmed, the drumroll played, and the spotlight ran over the remaining four adventurers before finally picking… "SELPHIE! COME ON DOWN!" Selphie squealed and clapped and hopped up and down with joy, while everyone else got a vague sensation of impending doom.

"Okay Selphie, do you like eating things?" Mewgle asked Selphie patronizingly as she rushed over to him.

"She most certainly does," Wakka whispered to the other fairies as Selphie nodded eagerly. "And not just flowers too. Why do you think she has all that stuff in her pockets?" The Gullwings made faces of disgust.

"Then, you should have no trouble eating this ENTIRE bowl of poisonous scorpions in thirty seconds," Mewgle said gleefully, gesturing to a giant bowl of scorpions that appeared from the floor. "Starting-"

Selphie screamed with joy and immediately leapt into the bowl. Crunching and squishing sounds could be heard instantly, as scorpion bits and juices flew through the air. Mewgle blinked. "Now?"

The next several seconds were truly and completely disgusting. It was all the five adventurers could do not to throw up as they watched Selphie ravenously and monstrously devour the poor scorpions. The terrified arachnids tried to climb out of the bowl, but the sides were too high or smooth, and they were swiftly caught and consumed by the hunger demon that was Selphie. Even Mewgle looked sickened and disturbed, and it took a lot to sicken or disturb him.

It was not long before all the scorpions were eaten and Selphie was left sitting at the bottom of the bowl, covered in bits of carapace and bodily fluids, with a serene smile on her face. A terrified Rikku began wondering if perhaps Selphie wouldn't eat the fairies as dessert and quickly hid behind Paine. "O…kay," Mewgle said slowly. "Thank you for that mortifying scene which will be engraved in my memory forever. However," he said, checking his watch. "While you did manage to eat them all in under thirty seconds…you jumped the gun by starting to eat before I started the timer, so you're automatically disqualified. Yes, I know that's not fair," he said to Selphie's 'friends'' protests. "That's why I did it. Because I'm cruel and evil. Bwahahahahaha!" The crowd cheered ecstatically.

Selphie belched happily as she was lifted out of the bowl by a mechanical claw and deposited back with the others, reeking horribly. "HI!" she shrieked, bombarding them with scorpion breath. They nearly passed out from the poisonous fumes.

"She smells worse than a Malboro," said an incredulous Paine. "Nobody, would a Silence spell do anything here?"

Yuna shook her head. "It would keep her from talking, not from exhaling."

Everyone stared at her in disbelief. "You mean you could have shut her up anytime, but you didn't?!" said an incredulous Wakka.

Yuna flushed. "I didn't think it would be a nice thing to do…" They groaned. Yuna's teammates shook their heads and rolled their eyes at her typical kindheartedness.

"Next contestant!" called Mewgle. The spotlight went through its selection process, quickly singling Yuna out from the group.

"Oh my," she said, alarmed.

"Don't worry Nobody, you'll be fine!" Rikku assured her cousin. She didn't look too sure. Tidus watched anxiously as she floated over to Mewgle.

"Now, Nobody, are you any good at dancing?" Mewgle asked the fairy.

Yuna blinked. "Um, yes actually, I am," she said in surprise.

Mewgle frowned at this. "Really? Then you wouldn't mind teaching this gigas here how to dance in, oh, thirty seconds?" he asked, a spotlight turning on over a large four-armed green ogre picking its nose.

"What!" Yuna said in alarm.

"There's no way she can do that! Uh, is there?" Tidus asked the fairies.

"There may be one way…" Paine murmured thoughtfully. "If she brought it."

"You were messing with it before, actually," Rikku reminded Tidus.

He blinked. "Huh? I was?"

Yuna stared up at the gigas, which blinked dumbly at her, and took a deep breath. "Okay…"

"Starting…now!" Mewgle commanded.

Yuna quickly switched into her Songstress dressphere, which Tidus immediately recognized, since he had been wearing it earlier. "Oh yeah, that thing…" It didn't look exactly the same on Yuna as it had on Tidus (its main color was dark blue, it had more frills and skirt than Tidus' version had, as well as high brown boots and no visible belt. There was also a rather nice necklace.), but it was still recognizable.

"She looks pretty good in it," commented Wakka.

"And you did, too," Selphie said to Tidus, creeping him (and the others, naturally) out.

Knowing she had only a limited amount of time, Yuna began dancing in the air, singing into her microphone-on-a-stick and drowning out the annoying gameshow music with her own song, "Thousand Words", which annoyed Mewgle to no end. Spotlights focused on her as well, which also frustrated Mewgle. And as Yuna sang and danced, her melody took root in the hearts of those watching and…they began to dance as well. Or clap, or stomp, or whatever, but they were still taking part in her number, carried by the power of her song. Even Mewgle started tapping his foot in tune, which he put a stop to by whacking it with a hammer repeatedly, eye twitching.

The gigas stared blankly at Yuna, not understanding what she was doing. Its brain was too tiny. But even its peanut-sized mind was unable to fully escape the power of Yuna's song. It dug its claws into it, causing a light to go on in its eyes and an energy to flow through its muscles. It raised its foot slowly, about to make the first step in a dance…

And time ran out. "Oh, I'm sorry, your time is UP!" Mewgle cackled gleefully, rejoicing at Yuna and her friends' shocked expressions. "I have to compliment you on the nice job dear, but it took WAY too long, and the gigas didn't dance at all! So, you FAIL!"

The crowd booed and jeered at Yuna as her shoulders sagged and her clothes returned to normal. "…Oh. I'm sorry…"

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to your friends! Who you let down BAD!" Mewgle giggled madly. "LOSER!"

"Don't listen to him," Rikku reassured the crestfallen Yuna as she rejoined the group. "You did great! A few more seconds, and-"

"And that's just it, Nothing," Yuna said unhappily. "'A few more seconds'. I took too long, and that may have cost us everything."

"Well…for what it's worth, Yu--I mean, Nobody--I think you did great," Tidus said honestly.

She smiled at him, and his heart fluttered. "Thank you, Tidus."

"She SUCKED!" Selphie complained. They ignored her.

"Only two contestants left! Who will be next to fail?" Mewgle wondered as the spotlight flashed between Wakka and Paine. "And our next contestant is…NOBODADDY!" he cried as it stopped on Paine.

"Wish me luck," she said to the others as she floated over to Mewgle. They did just that.

"Okay, Nobodaddy—kind of a strange name, isn't it? I mean, you look more like a Nobomommy to me—all you have to do is…guess what number I'm thinking!"

They all stared at him. The audience cheered. "What?" Paine asked in disbelief.

"Guess what number I'm thinking!" Mewgle repeated.

Paine blinked. "Um…okay, what's it between?"

"It's between negative infinity and positive infinity," Mewgle said proudly. "And includes decimals as well as fractions."

"So basically, it's one out of a literally infinite range of numbers," Paine said flatly.

"Yep!"

"I hate you."

"That makes my evil heart swell with joy."

Paine sighed. It was clear she couldn't win here. "Okay, I guess…fifty-two," she said.

"And that is absolutely WRONG!" Mewgle screamed joyfully. The audience jeered Paine.

"Yeah, I figured," Paine said flatly. "And, of course, you're not going to tell me the right number."

"Nope!"

"Big whoop." Paine grunted, and rejoined the group. Mewgle frowned, somewhat off-put by her indifference. He would have to do something about that.

Dramatic music played, and spotlights circled the room, causing the audience to cheer. "And we're now in our final round! Noman, come on up!" Mewgle announced.

"Okay…this is it…no pressure, ya?" Wakka said to his friends.

"Just do your best," Yuna said reassuringly. "We'll deal with whatever happens later."

"You can do it, Noman!" Tidus told his friend.

"You're gonna die," Selphie said sweetly. They ignored her.

Wakka quickly ran over to Mewgle. "Okay, let's get this over with. What do you want me to do?"

"Oh, not much," Mewgle said as a pair of seats opposing each other rose out of the floor. An electronic podium with a computer screen was facing each chair, back-to-back. "Just a little game of WHO WANTS TO LIVE!" The lights dimmed significantly and very dramatic music played as spotlights swung in from the far corners of the room to focus on the seats.

"Yeah, that's not exactly reassuring…" Rikku murmured uneasily.

"So, here's how this is going to work," Mewgle said, taking a seat. Wakka sat down across from him. "I'm going to ask you five questions. For each question you get right, you win one thousand munny. Get all of them correct, and you win an extra five thousand, making a total of ten thousand! And for each one you get wrong…" He grinned sinisterly. "One of your friends will die."

"WHAT!" Wakka cried, horrified.

Spotlights focused on his friends, who were now, to their surprise, dangling from ropes wrapped around their arms and chests with weights tied to their feet above a pool of water full of seething piranha, sharks, and crocodiles, all of which had lasers strapped to their heads. "How'd we get up here?!" cried a startled Tidus.

"Rikku," Yuna said, abandoning their code names in light of this disaster. "Can you work your way free?"

"I can't!" Rikku complained, struggling and trying every maneuver she had learned in thief training. "This rope must be magic or something! I can't break free!"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Selphie screamed.

"For once," said a worried Paine. "She might be right."

"Oh yes, one other little twist," Mewgle said. "Since there are only five questions, that means you can get only one wrong, but still have four friends left. So I'm going to raise the stakes by making each wrong answer eliminate ALL of the friends that were spared by any correct answers you've already given, plus the requisite one friend per wrong answer. So, if you answer the first two questions correctly but the third wrongly, three of your friends will die instead of just one. Got it?"

Wakka swallowed. "Th-that's way too much pressure, mon! Totally unfair!"

"Yes, I know," said Mewgle. "Let's begin, shall we?" Dramatic music played, spotlights focused, and the audience cheered. "Now, for the first question." Wakka blinked as his screen filled up with text, a question and four boxes containing possible answers. "Who was the 35th captain of the Blitzball team called the Luca Goers, who led the team to victory in the 27th annual World Cup? Was it A. Bickson, B. Judda, C. Miyu, or D. Wedge?" Tense music was playing.

"Oh, that's easy!" said a surprised Wakka, who as we all know is a Blitzball buff. "A. Bickson!" The answer flashed on screen, triumphant music played, the audience booed, and the five entrapped adventurers sighed in relief.

"That's right!" said Mewgle, looking oddly pleased. "Second question!" The screen cleared and reset itself with a new question, as the dramatic music from before played and spotlights swiveled down on them. "What is the name of your friend Rikku's brother? Is it. A. Biggs, B. Bartz, C. Brother, or D. Alfed Al-Cid?"

Wakka blinked in confusion. "How would I know that? Rikku never told me she had a brother."

"Well, she does," Mewgle said cheerfully. "Can you guess his name?"

"Uh…" Wakka scratched his head, at a loss. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the fairies frantically mouthing a name, but unfortunately he was terrible at lip reading. "Aw man…can't I ask Rikku?"

Mewgle considered for a moment. "As a matter of fact, you can. I forgot to mention that you have three lifelines you can use if you have trouble answering a question. You can either phone a friend, remove two of the incorrect answer choices, or ask the audience. Since Rikku's here and watching helplessly, I suppose she technically counts as an audience…so yes, you can ask her. However, you may use each lifeline only once, and then it's gone. Understand?"

"Yeah. Rikku!" Wakka called up to her. "What's your brother's name?"

"Brother!" Rikku called back.

Wakka blinked. "…Your brother's name is Brother?"

"Blame my dad," Rikku said with the best shrug she could muster under the circumstances. "He chose the name, not me. Or my mom. Or Brother, for that matter."

"Uh, I'll go with what she said, Brother," Wakka said. The answer flashed on screen, triumphant music played, and the audience groaned.

"That's correct!" Mewgle said pleasantly. "Congratulations Wakka, you've earned two thousand munny and spared two of your friends! But of course, from this point on the stakes increase exponentially, you know that right?"

"Yeah, I know," Wakka said nervously.

"Good! On to the next question!" The same stuff that had happened with the last two questions happened again. "Both the Duel Monsters Raviel, Lord of Phantasms, and Hamon, Lord of Striking Thunder, from the Yu-Gi-Oh card game have 4000 attack points. How many attack points does their 'brother' Uria, Lord of Searing Flames, possess? A. 4000, B. 8000, C. 0 or D. None, it doesn't exist."

Wakka scratched his head in confusion. "Yu-Gi-Wha? I've never heard of it, or any of those things."

"Would you like to use a lifeline?" Mewgle asked.

"Wait, hold on. Okay, let's see…" Wakka thought hard. "If these three are 'brothers', and the first two have the same attack points, it would make sense for Uria to have the same amount…but, he might not. It could be a trick question. But, since I've never heard of this game, it might not be. Umm…" He chewed his lip for a moment. "This is too risky. If I guess wrong, I'll lose three of my friends. So…yeah, I'll use a lifeline. Since I don't think anyone I know has heard of it, I'll use that other one you mentioned, where you remove two wrong answers."

"Very well." Mewgle fiddled with his screen, and suddenly selections A and B vanished.

Wakka blinked. "Okay, that makes things easier…so I was right, it is a trick question. Let's see…Uria's title sounds sorta like the other two, so…I don't think it's a fake. Then again, I've never heard of this game, so it might not exist at all. Man, this is tough." He thought for another few moments, sweating slightly from the pressure and the lights. "Um…I think…I'll pick C, 0."

"Is that your final answer?" Mewgle asked. "Remember, if you're wrong, three of your friends will die."

Wakka started and went pale. He opened his mouth, paused, shut it, then frowned at the screen anxiously. Was C the right choice? Maybe it was D after all. But…

He frowned and shook his head. No, Mewgle was just trying to psyche him out. It had to be C. It had to be. He hoped.

Swallowing hard, and hoping he wasn't making a huge mistake, Wakka took a deep breath and said, "Yes, that's my final answer."

"And you are…CORRECT!" The audience booed, but Wakka and his friends all sighed in relief.

"Hooray Wakka!" Yuna cheered gratefully.

Wakka smiled weakly and wiped away some sweat, realizing all too well how close that had been. "We've passed the halfway point, and the stakes are even higher now. Here's the next question." The same old stuff happened. "How many evolved forms does the Pokemon Eevee have, A. 3, B. 5, C. 7, or D. None?"

"Pokemon?" Wakka blinked in confusion. "That sounds vaguely familiar…" He snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, I think I saw Lulu playing some game like that once…but I don't know anything about it…"

"Would you like to call this Lulu? Perhaps she could enlighten you," Mewgle suggested.

"Hmm…yeah, all right," Wakka said with a nod. "Let's call her."

"All right." There was a pause, and then a dial tone could be heard throughout the room. There were three rings, and then a click followed by a familiar voice saying, "Hello?" Wakka sighed in relief when he heard that voice.

"Hi, Lulu, my name is Mewgle and I'm the host of the game show You Can't Win! Your boyfriend Wakka here is currently struggling to save his friends' lives and needs your help with a difficult question," the host explained.

"Hmm…that does sound serious," Lulu said. "I'll do whatever I can to help."

Mewgle nodded. "Good. Wakka, you have thirty seconds."

"Okay, Lu, do you know a Pokemon called Eevee?" Wakka asked quickly, knowing he was on the clock.

"Yes, why?"

"How many evolved forms does it have?"

"Good question. It started with 3, then grew to 5 and finally 7 in later versions of the game," Lulu told him. "There may be more in the future, but I don't know about those yet."

"So there are 7 forms?" Wakka asked again, just to be clear.

"Yes."

"Okay, thanks Lu."

"Anytime, Wakka."

"Say hi to Chappu for me, okay?"

"Huh?" Lulu sounded confused. "I thought Chappu was with-"

"And I'm sorry, but time's up!" Mewgle interrupted, severing the connection. "So, Wakka, do you know the answer?"

"Yes," said Wakka. "It's C. 7!"

"That is CORRECT!" Lights flashed, music played, crowd booed, etc. "And now you have four thousand munny, and so far all of your friends are safe. This last question is the big one. If you win, you earn ten thousand munny and save your friends! If you fail, they all die! So no pressure, huh?"

"Bring it!" said Wakka, invigorated by his brief contact with Lulu.

"Very well." The screen cleared, and a question appeared, but no answers came with it. "What is the 10th word on the 17th line from the top on the 675th page of that great novel, War and Peace?"

Wakka drew a blank. "Uh…what?"

"You heard me. What is the 10th word on the 17th line from the top on the 675th page of that great novel, War and Peace?" Mewgle repeated.

Wakka looked at the question in confusion. "But…there are no choices," he said, panic growing in his voice. "How-how am I supposed to figure out the answer?! Guess randomly?!"

"That's the idea," Mewgle said smugly. "Yes."

Wakka started sweating. "Um…c-can I use a lifeline?"

"I'm sorry, but no," Mewgle said gently. "You used all of them up already, remember?"

Wakka's friends gasped. His eyes widened in horror as he suddenly realized that this had been Mewgle's plan all along: to make him use up his lifelines on difficult questions before providing him with an impossible one that he could never solve, probably not even with help. "Then…then I just have to guess?! Pick some random word and hope that it's the right one?!"

"Yes," said Mewgle calmly.

"But…but that's not fair!" Wakka screamed. "How'm I supposed to do that?!"

"You're not," Mewgle said with a very, very wicked smile. "You're supposed to lose. That's been the point all along."

Wakka's heart stopped. "What?"

Mewgle laughed so hard he almost fell out of his seat. "You idiot," he sneered. "What's this show called?"

Wakka looked at the big flashing letters. "'You can't win?'"

"Precisely. And what do you think it means?"

"It means…" Wakka froze, the blood draining from his face as he suddenly got it. "It means…that no matter what we do…we can't win, can we?"

"No," Mewgle agreed. "You were doomed to lose the moment you stepped into this room. And now your friends are going to die, then you will, and there's absolutely nothing you can do to stop it." The audience cheered raucously, and the shocked adventurers struggled futilely against their bonds in a last, desperate, but hopeless attempt to escape.

"NOOOO!" Wakka screamed in horror as Mewgle gestured at the ropes…

…

TO BE CONTINUED…

…

Will Sora's joyous reunion with Donald and Goofy, and the subsequent conference of royals he is to attend with King Mickey, pave the way to a union between the worlds against Maleficent? Will Kairi be able to find freedom in her present situation? Will Riku break free from his entrapment before Xehanort can win Maleficent's hand? Or can Pete defeat Xehanort and stop the villain from bringing to darkness to all worlds, so that he can…um…bring darkness anyway? And will Mewgle's sadistic ploy to kill the Gullwings (and the other three) succeed? Find out in the exciting conclusion, next time!