He never thought he would be so grateful to arrive at an empty house.
He noticed a few missed calls from Paula, but he was unable to deal with her right now, he didn't know what to think about those things Donna pointed out, his relationship with Paula was caught up in this huge mess, and the only thing he wanted was to tell her the truth, and that would take a long talk.
He only manages to send a meeting invitation to Louis and Donna for eight o'clock, briefly introducing the problem that they would have to face in the next morning, before getting in the shower.
The warm water was undoing the tension knots in his shoulders and clarifying his confused mind.
Flashes of what happened since Jessica's visit came back to him in no particular order, and, as much he tried to push it away, the memory of Donna kissing him was the most insistent one, as if his body was wanting to experience that moment all over again.
He couldn't stop thinking about her and everything they have been through all these years. She has been part of his life, playing a central role, longer than anyone else he knew. That thought made him comfortable with part of his confused feelings. Of course, I love her! How couldn't I?! She has been with me since the beginning.
While he realizes that to love Donna is not something he feels or should feel sorry or ashamed, he also admits, in that private moment, with no one to judge him, that the guilty sensation he was feeling was solely rooted in the fact that he was not feeling sorry at all for that kiss.
Her lips and her body awakened something inside him, it was like he has been hungry for something for too long, without knowing what that hunger was about… In an unconscious level, he feels that he was hungry of her, his body was aching, desperate to touch her, have her, love her, just as he has been doing in his dreams since that single time they actually had been together.
It was a restless night of sleep, even before eight o'clock he was already at his office, waiting for Louis and Donna. He was feeling tired and anxious, wondering how she would react, would they be able to separate business from their personal drama? He looked at his light reflection in the window and tidied his tie, doing his best to make it look perfect, afraid of giving away too much to Donna, she would easily understand what he was feeling if there was a wrinkle in the wrong spot that only she was able to see. He was afraid that she might see the hot mess he is right now.
Louis was the first one to arrive.
"Dear lord, Harvey, I got your message yesterday, couldn't sleep not even for one second, poor Jessica, we must do something, you know she can't remain name partner being disbarred, how is it going to be now?"
The poor man was as desperate as Harvey had imagined.
"It is going to be 'Spector Litt', and not 'Litt Spector', that is the one thing that I know for sure, besides this nothing is really clear right now Louis, so calm the hell down. Let's wait for Donna so we can start to discuss our options"
"I am here". Her voice was calm and collected. He freezes knowing she is behind him, and quickly says "Good, let's start it then" walking towards his chair, even before turning to see her, just to buy some time so he could put up a neutral expression on his face.
The effort was worthless, he was completely astonished once he saw her absolutely flawless, ready to a Valentino runway show, in a sleeveless black dress, with a perfect fit, her face as beautiful as always, not giving away what she has been through since the night before.
Donna looked Harvey straight in his eye, and suddenly he felt naked, she could really see him, she could see past that facade he was showing. Clearing his throat in order to steady his voice and his nerves, he starts "Well my friends, it is no longer a matter of debate, Jessica is being disbarred in NYC"
Louis looked angry and was about to contest, but Harvey rose his voice "And this, Louis, is not my decision, so arguing with me won't make Jessica change her mind and believe me I've tried…"
Talking out loud Jessica's decision with his partners in order to organize the next steps made it real, and for the first time he was actually grasping the consequences of that change. It is a fact that the last year she wasn't there anymore, but her presence was tangible every time he arrived and saw her name on that wall, it made him feel protect somehow. His worries became crystal clear in his face, he was tired and defeated. That didn't go unnoticed by Louis and most certainly not to Donna as well.
"Sorry Harvey, I can see you are feeling it too. Do you have something in mind? We need to act fast, once this juicy news hit the fan, firms all over Manhattan will act as vultures chasing Jessica's clients with tempting promises"
"I thought that we should do a public announcement of her departure, controlling what kind of information her clients will get, so we can get them to sign new contracts with us. I thought a cocktail farewell party, in which we could try to sell that the firm is merely branching out to Chicago, Jessica could attend the party, endorsing our current services to her former clients"
"For how long Jessica stays in town?" Donna talked for the first time, and asked with a suspicious tone in her voice.
She is unbelievable! He notices that Donna, with a simple question, showed that she had already realized the problem they were facing, that she would face, to be more accurate.
He was uncertain on how address his, absurd and yet necessary, idea with her. See that is why we shouldn't mingle business and love.
But suddenly something hit him. He soon realized that since the beginning of the meeting she was acting in a really professional way, not letting appear anything about their last and extremely personal encounter, she was guiding him on how he should behave in the professional grounds.
Thus, he decided to act just as he would have behaved in the same situation minus the kiss, and the fight, and the consuming desire to make love with her, and all the other mixed feeling he has been feeling since then. He wore his best crocked smile and said, trying to sound casual, "Jessica is staying for three days more, so the cocktail party should happen tomorrow night and I thought that you could arrange it for us, Donna".
Her name played in his tongue, he enjoyed saying it out loud. D-o-n-n-a, it was provocative and sexy. It was like a promise of the wonders and pleasures that its owner could offer him. How come she can be this calm and I am here having a boner because of her name!
Desiring Donna was a painful path as it always came accompanied with guilty thoughts, he used to be so sure that he would never be a cheater, considering his sad and traumatic history with his mom, but in the last hours of his life he simply couldn't silence all these boiling feelings that her kiss made him aware of their existence.
His practical mind accepted that he liked Paula very much, she brought security and a more peaceful perspective of life, with her his life was simpler. He felt calmer around her, she could make his mind turn off from work at least for a little while, he could be just like everybody else. And those are things that maybe he was not willing to give up. On the other hand, in order to be with Donna, he would have to renounce a healthy relationship to be on board of something too intense, there are too much love, too much craving between them, those intense feelings could put his work and personal environment at risk, and that was way too scary.
Listening to that impossible task left Donna astonished. In fact, it was Louis the first one to understand the implications of what Harvey just said and manage to reply accordingly. "What the hell Harvey?! How can we organize this in two days?! Not even Donna and her awesomeness will be able to do it"
"How many people are we talking about, Harvey?", she asked, looking focused and driven.
"Around a hundred or so…"
Louis was still rejecting the idea "Those people would feel underappreciated being invited in such short notice"
"We can make it happen!" Donna wasn't pissed with the task, she was actually in her element, it was noticeable how much she was enjoying being this important and necessary to the firm.
"Ok, you two, listen carefully, we are going to tell them it is a homage to Jessica, that is why it is in such short notice, so she can attend it. Besides, both of you will call each and every one of Jessica's clients and will personally invite them, making sure they receive the right amount of flattering"
"Donna, we still have the location problem, where are we going to squeeze all these people?"
"Louis, be calm, I might know someone that is dying to have an excuse to help me out, and happens to own an exquisite and exclusive piano bar upper west side, so give five minutes, just to check the address, I'll be right back", Donna left Harvey's office quickly, leaving the two lawyers bewildered.
"I knew she could make it Louis!" Harvey was excited, "See Louis, people's life is like this", he said pointing his hand at his waist high, "but ours is like this" this time pointing his hand higher than his head, "and this is how I like it!"
"She certainly is the most amazing woman that I have ever met. You know Harvey, I once told this to Donna, but it is you who should have listened, 'You have no idea how lucky you are for having Donna'. I will fetch Mike, so he can help me to find Jessica's client list, so we can start doing the calls"
Louis words got him disarmed. Donna was too important, too special. How come I would ever have the guts to have a relationship with her, and threaten all she represents to everybody in this firm, including him…
He was lost in thoughts when she rushed herself inside the office, before realize he was alone there. She suddenly didn't look as collected as she appeared minutes before, on the contrary, she looked nervous and unsteady.
"Where is Louis?"
"He just left to find Mike, they are going through the files to get Jessica's clients list, so we can start to call them. Is everything ok? You looked alarmed, something went wrong with the location you suggested?"
"Hum.. what?! No, everything is fine, here is the address. The place will be opened just for us, I mean, our party"
She approached a bit unsure and left a piece of paper with the address of the bar on his desk with a bit of shaking hands.
That is when Harvey realizes, she is this nervous and uncomfortable because they are finally alone in the room. So earlier she was just playing her part so Louis wouldn't notice anything, but right now, she was unable to keep the charade. She was clearly shaken with everything that happened with them too.
"Hum Donna, since we have this minute alone, I would like to apologize for the things that I told you last night, I never meant to hurt you, I guess I was, even better, am a bit overwhelmed with everything you shared with me, and I must confess, that in order to respect your rule I suppressed for years some kind of feelings that I used to have towards you, and being in contact him them all over again let me a bit confused where my heart is, besides, I still haven't talked to Paula"
Donna interrupted his speech, she looked serener now "See Harvey, I appreciate your words, I was really worried that last night could interfere with our workplace dynamic, and I guess we dealt with it. Concerning our private debate, I must come clean and say that I don't expect anything from you. All those things that I said and done I did them for my sake, so I don't get to a point in my life that I look back and regret never acting on my feelings, but now I am in peace with myself, I know that I did what was at my reach. It worked as some kind of closure for me, and I feel, even hurting, that I am ready to follow with my life. So right now, all I can hope for you is that you succeed to be true to yourself too… Honestly, I can see from your tie that you are still having problems with that..."
That last phrase came accompanied with a kind of nervous, but yet sassy wink.
" So, if you excuse, I have a party to organize in the next hours that my crazy boss assigned to me"
With that she left his office, leaving him even more lost then before.